The Montanan Hooligans' WORLD CUP CENTER

Happy Trails #175-144

2011-11-21T18:28:00.001-08:00

Some people sneak peeks at game scores between spreadsheets and meetings, I managed to find a way to sneak peeks at the results from World Cup qualifiers between activities and lessons. Heck, I tried to squeeze score updates into classroom conversation (it helps teaching world literature to kids from diverse backgrounds...all the more reason to say--and hey, since we've read about Sumeria let's check in on how their great, great, great (x10 to the 25th) grand kids are doing in world cup qualifying!).

But for now, let's just satisfy ourselves with digging into the nitty gritty of who fell flat, and why.

175 Where'd you go, Mauritius?
Why They Lost: Generally speaking, not playing the games at all doesn't help your chances. (Though being nicknamed the Dodos, an extinct bird probably didn't help any.) Mauritius became the third team to back out of the competition, due to lack of funds.
Who/What We'll Miss: Cheering for our favorite strikers from Mauritius' Pamplemousse FC (aka Grapefruit FC)

174 Ka Kite, Cook Islands
Why They Lost: They only have 24,000 citizens from which to draw a team (Helena could have a deeper bench)
Who/What We'll Miss: Food Network mistakingly airing games from Oceanic qualifiers.

Diamond Ott at Right

173 Tofa, American Samoa
Why They Lost: Despite having gotten schellacked by an international record score of 31-0 by Australia in April, American Samoa nearly got into Round Two of OFC qualifying. Needing a win against hosts Samoa in their final match they unfortunately lost 1-0 and went home in third place after notching their first four points EVER in World Cup Qualifying
Who/What We'll Miss: His last second near-equalizer almost made him a hero but really, just being named Diamond Ott makes you a winner in our books.

172 Mou Nofo A, Tonga
Why They Lost: Despite a win in their rivalry game against Cook Islands (known as the Battle for James Cook's Love) they couldn't come up with needed results against either American Samoa or Samoa.
Who/What We'll Miss: We have to assume the erstwhile "Friendly Islands" would have made a great host for various matches.

171: Ma'as salaama, Djibouti
Why They Lost: It sure looked like the Djibouti never stood a chance, getting whooped 4-0 on both legs of their home-and-away series with titans Namibia. So don't color us surprised.
Who/What We'll Miss: Let's be honest...north, south, east or west, "Djibouti" is about the most enjoyable name of a nation to say.

No luck for you
Kevin Betsy!

170: Orevwar, Seychelles
Why They Lost: Despite establishing themselves as the most dominant island nation in the Indian ocean, that's still a little like being the toughest kid in the sou-southeasterly corner of the sandbox, and they never stood a chance against the heavyweights in Kenya.
Who/What We'll Miss: It's a shame that after 14 years bouncing around the divisions of English football that Kevin Betsy's only been able to play a few games for the Seychelles, it's even more disappointing that he's done in World Cup qualifiers before he even got started.

169: Sala Kahle, Swaziland
Why They Lost: Perhaps the King's Shield was still riding high off a stunning win against Togo prior to the 2010 World Cup, but they looked totally over matched losing 8-2 aggregate to Congo DR.
Who/What We'll Miss: I had a grad school advisor who was tight with the King of Swaziland...so based on two degrees of separation I'm sorry they came up so short.

mmmm....sponge bread

168: Nabad geylo, Somalia
Why They Lost: Inexplicably, after a 0:0 draw in the first leg the Ocean Stars got pummeled by Ethiopia 5-0 in the second leg.
Who/What We'll Miss: Minneapolis is a haven for Somalian refugees, it would have been nice to eat some canjeero during the matches from Brazil.

167: Tchau, Sao Tome e Principe
Why They Lost: Like Somalia, Sao Tome e Principe followed up a strong draw with Congo in the first leg with a brutal 5-0 drubbing in the second match.
Who/What We'll Miss: If Sao Tome e Principe had qualified for the second round they would have proven a remarkable story; coming back after 8 years off from relevant matches to pull a stunner like that? Amazing. Of course, they lost....but if it HAD happened!

166: Namkwaheri, Comoros
Why They Lost: Losing the first leg 4-1 in Mozambique dug a hole that the Coelacanth's could not come back from.
Who/What We'll Miss: In addition to a young and growing team, it's a shame that we no longer have a team in the competition whose nickname is a prehistoric fish.

Afewerki's stunned into silence
by my brutal burn

165: Selamet, Eritrea
Why They Lost: After two years without participating in international competition, the Eritreans might have been a little under prepared for the next round of competition.
Who/What We'll Miss: Another despotic tyrant's team is out of the picture, meaning one less figure to mock with the immunity of American internet anonymity. So let's get the joke out while we can: Isaias Afewerki impinges on freedom of the press so much he won't even let people iron their shirts! (KA ZING!!!)

164: Nabai, Guinea Bissau
Why They Lost: Despite being neck-and-neck with Togo through two legs of qualification, Guinea-Bissau fell a goal short because Emmanuel Adebayor loves crushing people's dreams.
Who/What We'll Miss: At 19, midfielder Zezinho is already a valuable part of Sporting's reserve squad. Maturing into a leader could make him and the Djurtus a future force.

163: N'agasaka, Burundi
Why They Lost: Only managing a 2-2 draw at home against fellow minnow Lesotho left the Swallows helpless to move on.
Who/What We'll Miss: The opportunity to keep running this video clip of Eddie Izzard's imagined cup of coffee with the president of Burundi (Pierre Nkurunziza)

162: Adieu, Chad
Why They Lost: The 2-1 loss at home gave Les Sao a lot to overcome in the second leg, and though they notched a win in Tanzania, the 1-0 score line had them head home on away goals.
Who/What We'll Miss: The chance to talk to the perpetually underrated Japhet "The Wizard" N'Doram.

161: Veloma, Madagascar
Why They Lost: After falling 2-0 in the oppressive oil baron dictatorship of Equitorial Guinea, and conceding another goal at home, Madagascar needed four second half goals to move ahead--they settled for 2 goals and a hard fought victory.
Who/What We'll Miss: Insinuating that they sold their national football soul to Dreamworks in association for positive references in the Madagascar cartoon series.

160: So long, US Virgin Islands
Why They Lost: Our "Well-I'll-Be-Damned" Minnow to Watch in CONCACAF's 2nd Round of qualifying had a problem keeping balls out of the back of their net scoring 2 and allowing 40 to finish last in their group.
Who/What We'll Miss: Finding more parallels between Tim Duncan and Peter Crouch.

159: See you later, Barbados

TRIDENT TEAM, ASSEMBLE!

Why They Lost: While their goal differential of -12 is a far cry from USVI's -38, they still lost all six matches.
Who/What We'll Miss: I still love this set of Barbadian superheroes I found on a random google search...seriously, where can I find these action figures?

158: Bon swe, Dominica
Why They Lost: Deprived of two matches against Bermuda in Group C, Dominica was the weakest of that lot failing to score a single goal (see, something to be proud of Barbados/USVI)
Who/What We'll Miss: The chance to talk to our most random club team affiliation so far--Midfielder Chad Bertrand, born Dominican, yet playing in Goa, India.

157: Catch you later, St. Lucia
Why They Lost: Though they did muster a draw against St. Kitts & Nevis, St. Lucia came up empty in all their other matches
Who/What We'll Miss: They still dance quadrilles for fun down there! It's like Jane Austen in a tropical climate!

156: Time to cash in, Cayman Islands
Why They Lost: The "Shell Corporations" round out our bottom five of CONCACAF because they, like their fellow cellar dwellars couldn't do much offensively or defensively (notice a theme coaches?)
Who/What We'll Miss: Tax evasion jokes

It's not like England
would try him again anyway

155: Gotta go, Grenada
Why They Lost: While Grenada has players among top flight leagues in the US and England, most are at/or near their 30 year old season, making them a little old to keep up with younger fresher teams.
Who/What We'll Miss: They are known as "The Spice Boys" which makes the chance of buying David Beckham's nationality before 2014 all the more tempting.

154: Fare thee well, St. Vincent/Grenadines
Why They Lost: Just a step ahead of Grenada, come the Grenadines who can thank their spot to an extra draw against Belize...of course it didn't help them win the group...but isn't beating Grenada more important? (No? Oh, right...no)
Who/What We'll Miss: Yet another cool nickname for a team: "Vincy Heat"...you can almost hear LeBron James switching teams again...

153: Adios, Nicaragua
Why They Lost: Handily beat Dominica both times they played but couldn't muster much against Panama losing both of those. Clearly they should have tried to play Dominica four times...that's just bad planning.
Who/What We'll Miss: The US Men's team could have had guinea pigs, iguanas, armadillos and boas in local restaurants! Frownie face for the foodies :(

152: Doei, Suriname
Why They Lost: Despite two solid wins, Suriname allowed 11 goals and scored just 5, leaving a clear gap between themselves and the leading teams in their group.
Who/What We'll Miss: We'd say goalkeeper Ronny Aloema, but as the goal difference shows he missed enough things for all of us (Sorry, Ronny...that might have been mean...)

151: See ya, St Kitts & Nevis
Why They Lost: If any team needed to hear the Mortal Kombat "FINISH HIM", it was St. Kitts & Nevis, 1 win and 4 draws left them with just 7 points. Switching just two of those results to wins would have left them top of the table.
Who/What We'll Miss: Atiba Harris--stealthy winger and all-around MLS gun-for-hire.

150: Best wishes, Belize
Why They Lost: Belize lost when it mattered most, giving Guatemala an easy route to round 2 with 3-1 and 2-1 defeats
Who/What We'll Miss: The general blood feud between Belize (formerly British Honduras) and Honduras (formerly Regular Honduras)

149: Ayo, Curacao
Why They Lost: While they scored 15 times only just eked out a positive goal differential (playing USVI might have helped with that though)
Who/What We'll Miss: Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands knighting 9/10ths of the team...she knights pretty much everybody after all (heck, Sidney Ponson got knighted!)

I seek the futbol grail

148: Hasta la juego, Dominican Republic
Why They Lost: In all likelihood, the Dominican winter league probably had most players distracted.
Who/What We'll Miss: The Quisqueyanos have my favorite federation logo of this set of Happy Trails teams--I'm not sure why the ball is in some sort of chalice-type thing, but I like the classiness.

147: Hasta la bye bye, Puerto Rico
Why They Lost: It's very simple--if Ivan Rodriguez isn't blocking the plate or goal or whatever, Puerto Rico is not as strong as they could be.
Who/What We'll Miss: The opportunity to settle the whole Puerto Rican statehood issue by a game of football...not unlike the plot to the classic made for tv film FUTURESPORT!

146: Bye bye, Bermuda
Why They Lost: In the nip-tuck race to win Group B, Bermuda's draw to Guyana (on home turf) was the difference between finishing three points back and being on top of the group.
Who/What We'll Miss: As the last island left from that old Kokomo song, our last chance to sing chillaxed Beach Boys tunes is out the window.

145: Happy trails, Trinidad & Tabago
Why They Lost: Honestly, your guess is as good as mine, T &a T had a +7 goal differential, and a great start to their campaign. But the wheels came off the wagon in the final month dropping two matches to Bermuda and Guyana to open the door for Golden Jaguars to vault into the next round
Who/What We'll Miss: Stern John's swan song goes silent and the Soca Warriors last chance to relieve their glory days in Germany.

144: Au revoir, Haiti
Why They Lost: A mid-campaign swoon left Haiti needing two big results against Antigua & Barbuda to move on, while the 2-1 victory at home helped, losing 1-0 in St. John's left them one point short of the next round.
Who/What We'll Miss: Cheering on the rebuilding of Haitian pride through futbol would have made for a tremendous feel-good story, but with a scad of young talent coming into clubs in the US, UK and France, we won't miss Les Grenadires for long

Oh...that's why 11.11.11. matters!

2011-11-10T19:09:00.001-08:00

So, admittedly, I'm a little behind in posts (and if you think this blog's bad, you should see my other ones), but I thought I ought to post before tomorrow in advance of a major day in World Cup qualifying.

Apparently the powers that be in FIFA decided they ought to schedule matches on every continent on this most auspicious of palindromy days. So, there's a whole mess of soccer going on tomorrow: here now, the matches we're most excited to see on each continent:

South America:
Chile v.s. Uruguay; It's more than just the match up of two countries whose names sound like English language words--it's the rising power of South America (complete with greasy haired stars in the making), versus one of the continents perennial dark horses. So, senors, bring it on.

North America:
Antigua & Barbuda v.s. Haiti; So Haiti--despite all the financial, bureaucratic, and--you know--earthquake-y related things, was actually favored to win their group. Then along came underdogs Antigua & Barbuda...so if you think about it: we're guaranteed to see one adorable underdog vault into the next round...and see another underdog suffer humiliating defeat and broken dreams.

Asia:
Saudi Arabia v.s. Thailand; While I'm biased in favor of the Elephants and have made more than my share of jokes at the expense of the turmoil in Saudi Arabia, the match will be crucial to finding the second-place team in the group. Australia's guaranteed the top spot (barring some kind of freak team-wide spontaneous combustion), so this one will matter more than a little.

Africa:
Somalia v.s. Ethiopia; Here's the real barnburner, and while it's not the highest profile match and doesn't have any of the big name continental stars; as a Montanan who currently lives in Minnesota (with its high population of Ethiopians and Somalis) we can think of several people who really care how it turns out.

So whether you prefer rising powers, underdogs, high-stakes contests, or serious rivals there's something for you tomorrow. And if you prefer being gainfully employed and just looking up the scores during your coffee/tea break...you can do that too.

Enjoy the games!

CONMEBOL'S WIBD: Crushed into Bolivian!

2011-10-19T20:37:00.000-07:00

If you haven't noticed while reading this blog, we are not overly concerned with the legends and the superstars. Lionel Messi gets enough attention when he heads for the gents' lavatory, he doesn't really need more from our minor sphere of the blogoverse. Blood, sweat, tears and ink is spilled by the gallon over the Three Lions, why not take a break by looking into the little glimpsed underdogs of our World Cup?

In that spirit we turn our attention to CONMEBOL, the South American confederation, and it's nascent qualifying campaign. Unlike most other competitions, to march into the game's grandest stage, South American squads have only one round. Play all the other teams in your continent, play them again, top four records go to the Cup (for more details and South American sass, click the Conmebol link at the top of the page, or here).

The open-ended style of the qualification means that the strongest teams rise to the top and shocking upsets have relatively little effect on the overall results. Over 16 matches even the best teams will lose a few and worst teams will win a couple...but what if there was a stunning turn of affairs? What if someone could pull off a stunning, unpredictable, rags-to-riches meteoric triumph?

That would be awesome. Of course, given the strength of South American teams, it would also be pretty hard to fathom. There aren't many scrappy underdog squads...except, of course, for Bolivia.

Marcelo Martins is #1-#100
in Bolivian hearts

Bolivia, the land that futbol forgot. While every other team in South America has several players in premier European leagues (Italy, Spain or England), Bolivia's top player, Marcelo Martins, is freezing his butt off in the Ukraine. It's a little hard to keep up with the Joneses and the Escobarses when you only play against them during World Cup Qualifier Whoopings.

Sure they've made three World Cups and reached #18 in the world less than 15 years ago...but right now (after tanking their first two matches) they are ranked last in South America and #115 in the world. If Bolivia could somehow, someway, beat four other teams in their continental zone it would be like the President of your High School AV Club winning the girl over the Beatles at the height of their power.

This logo goes great with white wine

Heck, Bolivia's federation logo is a chicken holding a ball...other teams have the good sense to limit themselves to their national flag colors. Bolivia must root for a bird that looks desperate for a beheading...

With all of that going against them, it's painfully clear. WE MUST CHEER FOR BOLIVIA!! To hell with the big guns and the dominant squads and the powerful players, let's go Chickens, let's go under-appreciated whelps, let's go BOLIVIA!!

Analysis our Way

2011-09-18T20:00:00.000-07:00

The next round of qualifying has kicked off, home-and-away matches that will set the Caribbean and Asia alight with furious competition. While these matches may turn into do or die affairs for the players and supporters, we have the liberty of remaining aloof, objective, and totally uninformed.

In that spirit here are our previews of the next round of Asian and North American qualifying rounds: group by group, with special insight from our fellow Hooligans--Edemame Pajyamas and Celestial Aly

Don't fight it...she always wins

AFC

Group A What a special group. You've got a plucky underdog in Iraq, a hulking Goliath in China, a cast of diverse, quirky characters from Singapore and a mysterious unknown in Jordan. Given all those story lines to make movies out of, you have to think that the powers that be in Hollywood would love to see the Iraqis come through with China...if only for the chance to make a sequel. I'm sure there's a part in there for Zoe Saldana (eager, interpid reporter, maybe?) and whatever Zoe Saldana wants, Zoe Saldana gets.

Group B While we've already discussed Lebanon's chances, it should be noted that South Korea's track record, top flight talent and willingness to set themselves on fire for victory make them the odds on favorite to win the group. Second place should be a toss up between Kuwait and the United Arab Emirates: since their nicknames are the white and the blue we fully expect that Parisian fashion designers will let us know which one is in and which is out this season.

He's either clapping for sterling
Red Robot Defense, or suitably
socialist hair styles

Group C Kim Jong-Il's son--Kim Jong-Un--can firmly establish his power base if he oversees his team's ascendency to the next round of the World Cup. The best strategy to do that would be to kidnapped and indoctrinate the Japanese and Uzbeki players who visit Pyongyang for matches in the country. So if something that unlikely happens (and hey, it's North Korea, so it might!) then it'll be North Korea and Tajikistan (by default, natch.)

Group D Sure the Saudi's and the Aussies are the top teams in the group, sure they've got a bundle of World Cup appearances between them, sure they are the most likely teams to win the group...but I don't own one of their jerseys. Buoyed by my support Thailand should slip in to the next round in group two...if only because they risk incurring my wrath if they do not.

Group E A hard group to handicap. Iran has a dangerous attacking squad but might be past it's prime. Rising young powers Bahrain has made great strides recently in suppressing the opposition (through force if need be) and you should never underestimate Qatar's resources and determination to prove themselves. And hey! I just realized that my analysis of each nation's questionable governmental structures could also be applied to their football...how about that!

CONCACAF

Group A Just look at the Dominican's line-up. Manny Ramirez, Albert Pujols, evenan aging Pedro Martinez is better than anybody that Suriname, the Cayman Islands or El Salvador could scrounge up...oh, wait a second...I got confused about which sport I was writing about...uhh...let's just say El Salvador.

Now this is a line-up that could
get all the way to Brazil!

Group B There's not a lot of soccer power in Guyana or Bermuda, but Barbados could have a great chance...if they could pull the trident off of the flag and use it to impale the opposition. Other than that there's nobody to touch Trinidad or Tobago (and with their powers combined...well, they're not quite Captain Planet...but they're close)

Group C With the Bahamanians already picking up their ball and going home, there are only three teams left to fight. It will be the first group decided, the first one that sends someone on to the next round, so let's just go ahead and say the first team listed alphabetically wins, congratulations Dominica!!

Group D Canadian's are already excited about their chances to get through--and who could blame them? On top of their talent, Canadian fans are prone to throwing things on rinks and fields of every size and shape--it's doubtful that their only real challenge (St. Kitts & Nevis) are going to know what to do when octopi, hats or maple syrup rains down on them.

Hipster Zombies prefer their brains
at gastropubs with chipotle aioli

Group E Group E is brought to you by the letter G as Grenada, Guatemala and Grenadines(/St. Vincent). For that reason (and no other) Belize wins the group.

Group F I've written before about the US Virgin Islands having as much chance as anybody in a wildly unpredictable group. But, even with all their struggles, the smart money still has to be on Haiti. They gave us the modern form of Zombies, now they can unleash a 21st century strain of zombie (hipsters oversaturated on zombie memes)

AFC's WIBD #2 (GO TREES!)

2011-08-29T17:50:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's an eco-friendly version of the "Well, I'll Be Damned!"Minnow of the Round award as we recognize the most adorable of Asian underdogs: Lebanon.

Setting aside the unlikely ascent of Tajikistan (who lost two matches, then got into the next round anyway by virtue of Syria getting disqualified), Lebanon is easily the most rank outsider in the third round of Asian qualifying ranking in the bottom half of Asian teams. They are 21 spots below Bangladesh, even after a 4-0 drubbing of the Bengal Tigers in Beruit (Hey, even in soccer the Bengals can't win!)

Despite that big win (recapped in English here), there hasn't been much to

celebrate of late. First Lebanon slipped into the next round despite losing 2-0 in Bangladesh. Then they bid farewell to the coach who led them this far (Emile Rustom) and brought back old coach Theo Bucker (Booker? Booger?). Add to this the whole Lebanon/Hezbollah/Arab Spring/general unrest thing and you have a place that's not exactly conducive to sporting glory. (To be clear though, I have to give credit to Lebanon writer Kenny Laurie who wrote a scathing smackdown of Sepp Blatter)

If the Cedars are going to have any chance against the slightly more intimidating force of South Korea's Taegeuk Warriors and the White & Blue of the UAE and Kuwait, they'll need the very best of 23-year-old star-in-the-making Hassan Maatouk (he of the Futsaal fame, pictured at left). It probably wouldn't hurt to get returns from Roda Antar and Youssef Mohamed (two Lebanese stars who have built careers overseas), and hey, while we're at it maybe punch Srecko Katanec in the face (he who claimed the UAE would quote: "have no problem with Lebanon")...clearly Mr. Katanec does not know much about Lebanon.

All in all we here at the Montanan Hooligans' World Cup Center want to go green as we cast our vote for best underdog in Asia. So here's to you Lebanon and your Mighty Cedars! Go forth and conquer...oh wait, you're trees...well, just stand still and conquer!

CONCACAF's Minnow to Watch (Round 2)

2011-08-28T09:45:00.000-07:00

We're a week away from the next World Cup Qualifier Match Day with action brewing in North America and Asia. Before those matches kick off we're going to try and introduce some of the unlikely squads still standing and offer our comprehensive, utterly illogical analyses of each qualifying group.

Let's start out by introducing the "Well I'll Be Damned" team in the North American 2nd Round: the US Virgin Islands (USVI for short).

How unlikely is the 2nd round berth for the "Dashing Eagles" of the USVI? Bear in mind that they only became a FIFA recognized team in 2000. Over the last decade the team's record was 1 Win, 6 Draws and 20 Losses. In June they neared a personal best in the World Rankings by getting to 193rd in the World. The area is known more for being a port for cruise ships than for having any football fortunes to speak of.

Then this happened:

After 2 wins over the British Virgin Islands and advancing on to the Second Round of the Cup competition, the USVI has leapt up to 149th in the World--in a dead heat with Madagascar. They've already gone farther than any USVI team ever has in the Cup...can the go even farther?

Honestly...Maybe. Top ranked Haiti has been in disarray of late (with good reason) and neither Antigua and Barbuda nor Curacao have a larger international legacy than the USVI does. Some of the local press have got high hopes for a third round tussle with the big bad U.S. of A, but that might be putting the cart before the horse--or in USVI terms, putting the sales before the conch shells--especially given the inexperience of the team.

Most players ply their trade in the amateur league that dots the three islands (St. Thomas, St. John and St. Croix), but a young squad has gotten better by incorporating college players into the mix including a Seton Hall Griffin, a Pitt Panther and Alberto Van Grup--a Virginia Tech Hokie. Unfortuantely, it's not clear yet whether the college boys will be able to squeeze Cup qualifiers into their course schedule...I mean, can you imagine selling that to a professor? "Yeah, I know that we have a mid-term but I have to fly to Curacao...to play soccer...please...". Not the most compelling excuse I've yet heard.

But the best player may be Reid Klopp who has made two appearances and scored two goals to boost the Dashing Eagles into the second round. He lives on the islands so no worries about his arrival, and hey...if the NBA's locked the USVI could always ask Tim Duncan to come home and use his height in a Peter Crouchian manner. (He's already got the Robot thing wired!)

But win lose or draw you've gotta root for the Dashing Eagles and the US Virgin Islands. If only because they play and pump themselves up like your local high school squad. (Seriously, hard to imagine snobby Frenchmen doing this)

So best of luck Dashing Eagles! Rise on!

Happy Trails #186 & 176 (Second Thoughts Edition)

2011-08-22T13:32:00.000-07:00

I was all set to write about cinderella stories, and then I read the news that FIFA has decided to eliminate two teams, because--according to the official press releases--Sepp Blatter does what he wants to bitches!!

Seriously, there's no detail in either posting just: "TEAM X is hereby disqualified for violating Rule Y Subsection 43d. In accordance with FIFA regulations, this decision is binding and will not be subject to appeal or reversal, so suck on that."

As a result we have to make a couple quick corrections to the Happy Trails posts, and here they are

186 Ma'a As Salaamah Syria

Why They Lost: Yeah, remember when I said that Syria won the first leg 2-1 and the second leg 4-0? Yeah, what I meant to say was: "Tajikistan won both legs 3-0" Minor mistake I know...but, as you can tell...a pretty clear difference.

Who/What We'll Miss: I can't say for certain, but I'm pretty sure that this

George Mourad guy looks pretty good. I mean, he not only score a vital goal early in the first leg against Tajikistan, he also managed to change from Swedish to Syrian in just six short years! Or wait...you don't suppose that his doing that and failing to ask for FIFA's permission was the root cause of the whole problem do you?

176 Buh-Bye Bahamas

Why They Lost: They didn't. FIFA didn't even pretend they did. We all just looked up one morning and POOF no more Bahamas. The Press release from CONCACAF makes a little more sense: apparently the Bahamas FA built a beautiful new stadium, but forgot to build those pesky roads that would get fans TO said stadium. Once it became clear that they wouldn't be able to host any matches (or draw any revenue from said matches) the Bahamas became a whole lot less inclined to fly its team all around Central America just so that slightly bigger teams like Panama and Nicaragua could kick them around for 90 minutes. So, instead the team will sit back and enjoy the beautiful Bahamanian scenery.

Who/What We'll Miss: Not for nothing but the team captain's name is Happy Hall. If we picked the best players just by their name, he'd be a sure fire member of the squad. Also..to be sure, that stadium does look pretty sweet.

So there you go, two more teams bite the dust, and the Tajiks get a second chance. Next up we'll finally get around to celebrating the little minnows who can still dream of an utterly implausible World Cup berth. Assuming they don't forget a critical part of their infrastructure or accidently employ a psuedo-Swede.

Happy Trails #191-177 (AFC Rd. 2)

2011-08-15T19:14:00.000-07:00

Before we look ahead to the next set of matches kicking off in early September, let's pour one out for the teams who have fallen out of the competition.

191 Sok Dee Der Laos

Why they lost: Perhaps I put a bit of a jinx on Thim Xad by giving them the recognition of being the first "Well I'll Be Damned" Award. Perhaps the Laotian sport press was right that the team was weak in defense. Perhaps the Chinese national team was a little tougher than the Cambodian one. What ever the case, conceding 13 goals in two matches rarely works out well, and definitely led to the Laos loss.

Who/What we'll miss: A great Cinderella/scrappy underdog story would have been awesome--hence the whole post that I wrote about them...not to mention crushing Chinese hopes. Ah well...better luck next time.

190 Namaste Nepal

Why they lost: The Gorkha Warriors were another team that couldn't quite keep pace with a bigger, stronger Asian power, falling to Jordan 10:1 on aggregate. But they did pull together an excellent second leg, getting a 1:1 draw that was a small comfort after a 9:0 drubbing in Aman.

Who/What we'll miss: The big name in Nepal is Rohit Chand, a 19 year old center back who has been pumped up as a player good enough to make it in the upper echelons of Europe. Wikipedia claims that he's getting a shot with Kettering Town FC in England's 5th tier, which might make him easier to scout than if he was in...say...Kathmandu.

189 Joigin Hong Kong

Why they lost: While Laos gave up goals, they did score a few. The same can't be said for Hong Kong who were blanked by a Saudi Arabian team that has been in the midst of a tumultuous year.

Who/What we'll miss: Hopefully nothing. We'll hope that this is Hong Kong's nadir, 25 years after almost qualifying for Mexico '86. Though they've made less progress in each subsequent Cup campaign, this should be the end of that unfortunate trend.

188 Jakshy Kalyngydzar Kyrgyzstan

Why they lost: I might place the explanation for this one on facing an up-and-coming opponent in an Uzbekistani side that made the out rounds at the Asian Cup, and seemed dangerous at the U-20 Tournament in Colombia. Facing that, it's gotta be tough for Kyrgyzstan to keep up. So their 7 goal wipe-out makes a little more sense.

Who/What we'll miss: Confusing attempts to settle on one nickname for a side that is occasionally called the "snow leopards", The Eagles, and the Blue Eagle (even though their kits are red).

187 Dhanee Maldives

Why they lost: Take your pick. No goals, giving up 5, having to make do with a team of locally based players while facing an Iranian side that's one of the most well-established in Asia, having a population approximately .5% of Iran's. Any one of those would probably explain the Red Snapper's failure to advance.

Who/What we'll miss: Ali Ashfaq, a man called "The Best Striker in South Asia" isn't well known outside his own country--but when you captain the national side and celebrate like this...you should be.

186 To Bozdid Tajikistan

Why they lost: Though a 2:1 loss in Syria was a tough beat, the series still could have gone the Tajiks way. But a stunning 4:0 loss at home knocked them out. If you can't defend your home pitch, you can't go far in qualifying.

Who/What we'll miss: Coach Pulod Kodirov, the winningest coach in history for "The Persian Lions" of the national team won't get any more matches to prove his bowing out after 3 years in charge of the team. (Of course, if you ask Tajik fans, that might be a good thing)

185 Paalam The Philippines

Why they lost: A 3-0 loss in Kuwait gave them a major task for the home-leg, and they simply couldn't make it up falling 2-1 at home to finish 4 goals out.

Who/What we'll miss: Hard to pick. There's Midfielder Simon Greatwitch who could help Hartwick college known for something more than...okay he could help Hartwick College be known. Then there's Neil Ethridge, Fulham's Reserve Goalkeeper and ex-Chealsea trainee. And of course...there's the fact that their nickname is "The Street Dogs" which is a kind of badass in an adorably scruffy way.

184 Thwa Dau Me Myanmar

Why they lost: You mean besides the fact that their military junta creates a national atmosphere of blind fear and anxiety which makes playing a children's game one of the few escapes...unless you play for the national team and must face the spectre of bringing shame on the nation and being sent for "re-education"? Well, their fans throwing garbage on the field at half-time during the home-leg probably didn't help matters--especially since refs cancelled the second half and Myanmar's last chance at a comeback.

Who/What we'll miss: The feeling that maybe, just maybe watching 22 men kick a ball for 90 minutes might distract the citizens of Myanmar from that aforementioned military junta.

183 Phir Milenge India

Why they lost: It's either because of FIFA's ancient curse against the country that declined to play in the 1950 World Cup (What do you mean we can't play barefoot?) or the fact that, as children, Sachin Tendulkar & MS Dhoni picked up cricket bats instead of cleats.

Who/What we'll miss: An inevitable Bollywood soccer movie with a star studded song and dance number...wait...there already are some like that...well, I know what's going into my Netflix queue.

182 Selamat Tinggal Malaysia

Why they lost: After a thrilling 5-3 loss in Singapore in the first leg, Malaysia had some work to do, but 3 away goals to help their cause. If they won by two they would be in pretty good position for advancement. While they led 1-0 after 60 minutes and were one goal (and solid defnese) away from moving on a Singapore equalizer in the 73rd minute knocked them out

Who/What we'll miss: The Malay Tigers might have my new favorite football kit. As if the black and yellow stripes weren't unusual enough--they also have an ad campaign that makes it painfully clear that you're either a Malaysian fan or you are unwilling to rip your own skin off.

181 Tam Biet Vietnam

Why they lost: Despite a thrilling 2-1 win at home in the second leg, Vietnam simply couldn't overcome a 3-0 loss in Qatar in the first leg. Meaning that, once again, the Qataris crush the dreams of other people (FIST SHAKE!)

Who/What we'll miss: A pretty solid underdog story is one thing. A pretty solid underdog story that could have knocked out the internationally mocked Qatari side...that's a great thing.

180 Bhalo Thakben Bangladesh

Why they lost: Like Vietnam, Bangladesh got a great win at home 2-0 over Lebanon. Like Vietnam, Bangladesh couldn't overcome a big loss (4-0) in the first leg.

Who/What we'll miss: The chance for a doggie fight between Bangladesh and the Phillipines (don't bet against the street dogs)

179 Ila Al-Liqa Yemen

Why they lost: Continuing the trend of the last two teams, Yemen played better in the second leg, with a goalless draw; but they lost 2-0 in Iraq and head home despite their fine performance.

Who/What we'll miss: Yemen has won fewer games by smaller margins in each consecutive World Cup qualifying campaign. So, hopefully we'll only miss them until they reorganize their team and reverse that trend.

178 Ila Al-Liqa Palestine

Why they lost: I know Grant Wahl meant well, but clearly this is another case of the Sports Illustrated Jinx. After a nailbiting 1-0 loss in Thailand, Palestine nearly pulled a stunner in the second-leg back home but had to settle for a 2-2 draw against a higher ranked team. That was great--but if SI hadn't been there?

Who/What we'll miss: A team full of college kids, biologists, and dreamers who play international football in their spare time after work? We'll be missing a stirring underdog movie just waiting to happen. (And this "Happy Trails" winner of coolest Federation logo)

177 Sag Bolun Turkmenistan

Why they lost: With everything to play for after a 1-1 draw at home, the Green Men Turkmen waited too long, ceding 4 goals to Singapore in the first 75 minutes. An own goal and two late, intentionally Turkmen, goals made it close, but not close enough.

Who/What we'll miss: The sophomoric humor potential of the most popular club sides in Turkmenistan FC/HTTU Asgabat...Heehee..Asgabat.

PHEW! That's a lot of teams to bid farewell. In our next posts will look ahead to the next rounds of competition in North America and Asia, the start of South American qualifying, some unlikely teams to root for and predictions from a host of Hooligans.

World Cup OVERLOAD

2011-08-15T17:51:00.000-07:00

I stopped posting for a little while the last few weeks (in case there is a devout reader out there who was wondering). Between a spurt of job applications and a two-week honeymoon in Thailand, I thought that would be for the best. And while I was gone, quite a bit happened. The 2nd Round of Asian qualifying concluded. Teams were drawn into dozens of qualifying groups in Rio de Jinero. The US National Team hired Jürgen Klinsmann to coach the men's team (thereby giving me many more excuses to write with umlauts!). And hey! FIFA's still awash in scandalous bribery allegations which means there's still a shot (an extremely outside shot, but a shot) that the US could host the 2022 World Cup.

Since I'm now gainfully employed, I may not have much time to write. But I love the whole World Cup event so much that I honestly do want to write whenever I can. I may try to enlist some help from fellow Montanans/soccer fans/gene pool members but until then trust that posts are coming in the next few days that will cover farewells to the eliminated Asian nations, "Well I'll Be Damned" awards for minnows who have survived a shark attack (or perhaps just a "slightly bigger minnow" attack) and advanced to the later rounds of qualifying and maybe even previews of the various groups kicking off in the next few months and weeks.

To keep the space warm for me I'm including a link to Grant Wahl's great writing from Palestine in the second round of the AFC's Qualifying. I read the polished form of his article during my 12 hour flight from Seoul to Chicago (it helped make a long flight--made longer by a lack of sleep and broken video system--much more enjoyable). Since this is the kind of writing I would love to do on this blog but can't (both because I have no funds to finance it, and because I'm not nearly that good of a writer) so I'll let him do it for me.

Enjoy Wahl's writing (if you haven't already), I'll be back with snarky commentary aplenty in the very near future

Happy Trails #196-192 (CONCACAF Rd. 1 Update)

2011-07-22T17:44:00.000-07:00

While the AFC's second round will kick off in a matter of hours we want to take a minute to bid adieu to the North American nations who played...and lost a home-and-away playoff series, thereby killing that faint glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, a tiny island nation might hoist the world cup in Brazil. (It might not be a hope as much as a dream I had after eating Bacon ice cream with a wasabi glaze)

196 "Farewell" Turks & Caicos Islands

Why they lost: Statistically speaking it's a good idea to limit the number of goals your opponent scores. Turks & Caicos did not do that, giving up 10 goals to the mighty Bahamas' Rake n' Scrape Boyz. It probably didn't help that they scored 0.

Who/What we'll miss: The chance to ask Midfielder Gavin Glinton (T&C's leading international goal scorer) how he ended up playing for Vietnam's Nam Dinh team. {I'm guessing drunken bet}

195 "Take Care" Anguilla

Why they lost: I cannot confirm this, but I imagine that Anguilla assumed they could handle the baseball mad Dominican Republic--you don't get bats in soccer...you would think they'd be okay...but sadly the Dominicans found a way to shut them down...probably by tricking would be shortstops into kicking bigger balls as a training exercise.

Who/What we'll miss: I really couldn't help but dream about a matchup between the Three Lions of England and The Three Dolphins of Anguilla.

194 "Ta-Ta" Montserrat

Why they lost: Because their first round opponent (Belize) narrowly dodged a FIFA suspension that would have killed their team. [EXPLANATION: Apparently Belize's government thought the police should not protect the Monserrat team during the second-leg qualifying match, FIFA thought that was government interference, nearly suspended the Belize team which would have given Monserrat (trailing 2-5 after one game) an unlikely 2nd round berth. BUT FIFA changed its mind just in time for Belize to win the second leg then put them back on suspension. Because that's how Sepp Blatter rolls.]

Who/What We'll Miss: It might be entertaining to play a world cup qualifier with the omnipresent threat of volcanic eruptions mere minutes away.

193 "Goodbye" British Virgin Islands

Why they lost: Clearly because the US Virgin Islands are the superior Virgin islands; just like the US is superior to Britain. Chant it with me! U-S-A (Virgin Islands) U-S-A (Virgin Islands)

Who/What We'll Miss: Awkward conversations with Chelsea manager Andre Villas-Boas; who got his start leading the British Virgin Islands national squad in 2000 and led them to their highest ever ranking (165th in the world)

192 "Tot Gauw" Aruba

Why they lost: St. Lucia's Jamil Joseph took matters into his own hands in the second-leg. With Aruba having won 4-2 at home, it took a tremendous effort for Aruba to make a game of it and Jamil Joseph's hat trick was critical--forcing penalty kicks. Jelano Cruden's miss during PKs was the only blemish on what might well have been THE match of the first rounds.

Who/What We'll Miss: David Abdul may well be the future of Aruban football. A 21 year old and the only Aruban playing in Europe (with Sparta Rotterdam in the Dutch First Division) capitalized on his first cap with a goal and may mature into a much needed team leader...or maybe he'll remember it's just a game and kick back and enjoy the beach.

Thoughts on the Women's World Cup

2011-07-18T08:43:00.000-07:00

I was about to write all about the latest round of CONCACAF qualifying for the 2014 World Cup (which finished yesterday), but quite frankly the doings of Turks and Caicos or St. Lucia are a little less important than the final of the Women's World Cup.

First, my apologies for not covering the whole tournament in greater detail. I was busy getting married, my attention was focused elsewhere. So yesterday, after drawing the festivities to a conclusion with a final unwrapping/moving/unpacking of presents I was left to discover Japan's victory over the US a little later than most.

Let's agree on this for starters, clearly futbol is wildly popular, if you're reading this obscure nook of the blogopshere you know this. But like most fans in America I have to hear a great deal from local "sports fans" and "experts" that the game is not really big in America and never will be. Yet, in a game for the sports second highest international honor, ratings were broken and social media sites were jammed by all the Americans who live in a "ambivalent" futbol nation.

If you want any more proof, look no further than that news story that takes what might otherwise be an incredible, moving, underdog story and frequently alludes to the fact that: "It's great Japan won...but how did we lose?!?" The Onion posted a very snarky story last week announcing that the Women's team "better not lose" but I've honestly heard people tossing around the words "choked" and "failed". Proving that there's some serious fandom and major expectations around the women's game.

That's not to take anything away from the gritty, persevering performance by the Japanese team (or the Wild Pink), or sully what was by all accounts a wild and joyous celebration in Japan. (It's a national holiday today, probably in part because so many fans were in bars at 4 AM local time.) For a nation reeling from disasters and dire circumstances this year, it's a joyous occasion and all the more remarkable given that they lost two games to the US just two months ago.

But perhaps my favorite part of Japan's win was reading comments from old students of mine, including these ones from one female student who had played on rocky, uneven surfaces in the Himalayan foothills for the Woodstock Tigers. "We might have finished tied, but we ain't gonna lose!!!" (Have to like it anytime someone turns into a grammatically incorrect fanatic.) And then after it had ended saying "My mom is crying next to me." (Even more adorable and touching).

That's really the best part of futbol, how it brings people together with every goal, save and whistle, and when it comes to international games, it's truly inspiring to see the surge of pride and feel the excitement around the country. Over the last few weeks in Germany we've seen that enthusiasm surge through the US and Japan as well as Germany, Sweden, Brazil and around the world as mothers and daughters and sports nuts of every size and shape cheered through the tournament.

Congratulations Japan, you certainly deserve it.

A New Award

2011-07-06T09:10:00.000-07:00

Rather than simply saying farewell to teams that have lost we here at the Montanan Hooligans World Cup Center would also like to tip our caps to the best stories and unlikeliest squads to survive a round of qualifying competition. Since the AFC has finished their first round of qualifying it's time to debut this feature with an acknowledgement of the plucky little guppy that could and did win our inaugural "Well, I'll Be Damned" Award": Laos aka Thim Xad (The National Team)

That Laos has made it in to the Second round of Asian Qualifying is remarkable in and of itself. It ranks 174th in the World (lowest of any team advancing from the AFC first round and one spot lower than Vanuatu). It has never ranked higher than 134th (back in 1998). The nation very best players might slip onto a Thai club side, but that's as far as the dream extends for now.

Playing Cambodia took something extra, the two are ranked dead even by Fifa and played that way, with each team winning at home. The first match showed what the Lao Press identified as the team's biggest weakness: Defense. The never seemed to create offensively leaving it to 18 year old midfielder Manolam Phomsouvanh to deliver to cracking goals from set pieces. The rest of the time Cambodia seemed to run all over the Thim Xad defense, despite the fact that they were kept scoreless in the first half.

The second leg showed greater poise for Laos playing in front of their home fans. Team star Lamnao Singto scored twice en route to a 4-2 victory. Singto appears to be the biggest thing in Laotian football (and at 23 one of it's biggest veterans), moving at his will between the Thai Premier League and the local Laotian league, landing an endorsement contract, heck, he even gets the principles of swagger and braggadocio (if this shushing goal celebration is any indication).

But when it came to the end of the match and the referees required 30 minutes of extra time to break the final two goals that sent Laos on came from Visay Phaphovanin and Sysomvang Kanlaya (again from a set piece). Now Thim Xad prepares for Asia's 5th highest ranked team in China, and while the odds are long (and in many cases the names are longer), we here at The Montanan Hooligans World Cup Center will be rooting for Laos, if only so we can say "Well, I'll be Damned" again.

Congrats Laos you won our first WIBD; now try and win another!

Happy Trails #207-197

2011-07-04T06:07:00.000-07:00

There are 207 Fifa Member Nations. The World Cup format invites 32. That means that 175 countries will have to bite the dust long before a ball bounces around Brazil. So, from time to time we'll post blogs like this, keeping you up to date on the teams that have just been eliminated, thereby quashing the fevered dreams of young boys and old men who really really thought that this could be Macau, or Vanuatu, or Canada's year.

There are a few countries that decided not to compete this time around, so rather than bid them adieu we'll do the proper Montanan thing and simply nod silently in stoic acknowledgement of their presence (or lack thereof). So here's a quiet, two fingers up on the steering wheel salute to you Guam (207), Brunei Darussalam (206), and Bhutan (205).

Now let's say goodbye to the teams who tried, and failed, to advance and acknowledge just what we fans will miss without them.

204 "Jongin" Macau

Why they lost: Macau got--there's really no polite way to say this--decimated by Vietnam. 6-0 and 7-1, leaving Macau with a -13 goal difference in two matches. I'm not an expert or anything, but losing by 13 goals in the first round makes it hard to win the World Cup.

Who/What we'll miss: Besides the loosest slots in all Asia? Probably Chan Kin Seng Macau's leading goal scorer despite the fact that he's only played 21 matches for the local side.

203 "Hau ba lai" Timor Leste

Why they lost: It's not easy to win a home and away series when both of the matches are played in your opponents capital. Hence, though the "Rising Sun" made a strong showing in the first match (2-1), the second one (5-0) was just too much and the team has still never won an official match against another national side.

Who/What we'll miss: The Portuguese heritage means that Timor Leste has a deep connection to two futbol mad nations (Portugal & Brazil). The most promising young player is probably defender Chris Nunez who plays for a club in Australia and has scored a goal for the national team

202 "Poittu Varen" Sri Lanka

Why they lost: Despite a solid 1-1 draw in Columbo; Sri Lanka could not muster another result in Manila and fell to the Philippines 5-1 on aggregate.

Who/What we'll miss: Sri Lanka may not have any famous players, but they do have one of the coolest flags in the world. Seriously, it's a lion holding a sword! Lions themselves are intimidating, but lions armed with weaponry? Jeepers

201 "Khuda Hafiz" Pakistan

Why they lost: A hard fought 0-0 draw against Bangladesh (aka East Pakistan) wasn't bad, but it could not make up for a 3-0 loss in Dhaka in the first leg.

Who/What we'll miss: There are a few Pakistani players starting to make inroads in to the lower levels of British football, but the biggest loss has to be Pakistan's Federation Emblem. Yes the Green shirts might have my favorite logo of all the flaming footballs of DOOM!!!

200 "Khuda Hafez" Afghanistan

Why they lost: Leaving aside the larger geopolitical issue of trying to field a futbol team while simultaneously fighting insurgent terrorist groups for control of a nation; Afghanistan was already in a hole after losing 2-0 to Palestine in Tajikstan (not exactly home either). A solid 1-1 draw in Palestine was some solace, but not enough to win the day.

Who/What we'll miss: With some national team players as young as 19, our biggest loss is the story of young boys who came of age in a very different nation, survived an incredibly dangerous period and now are thriving young athletes. Maybe, 2018 will give them that shot.

199 "Lia Suhn Hao-y" Cambodia

Why they lost: The Angkor Warriors may be the biggest surprise loser in the first round of AFC qualifying. After a 4-2 win over Laos in Pehnom Penh, they seemed to have a great shot of moving on to face China. But in Laos they not only lost the match 6-2, but the series on an 8-6 aggregate score.

Who/What we'll miss: There's not much notable about Cambodia's squad, but they do have a record of firing coaches. They've gone through 5 in the last 3 years...including 2 who never seem to have coached an official match....crazy coaching carousels, always enjoyable.

198 "Bayarti" Mongolia

Why they lost: The blue wolves won 1-0 at home...but that margin never feels exactly safe and sure enough, after Myanmar won 2-0 in Myanmar (stupid Junta!), Mongolia was headed home empty handed.

Who/What we'll miss: No Mongolian player plies their trade with a foreign club, and no without them sticking around for more matches this will be our last chance to say some absolutely exquisite names, such as: "Bayasgalangiin Garidmagnai" and "Donorovyn Lkhumbengarav"...however you pronounce them, that's a lot of fun.

197 Chinese Taipei

Why they lost: Taipei, Taiwan, whatever you want to call it, they were close...SO CLOSE to sneaking into the next round. A 2-1 lost in Malaysia wasn't great, but a stirring comeback on home soil gave them a great win 3-2 to end the series. The down side? Because Malyasia scored 2 in Taiwan, Malaysia went on and Taiwan stayed home.

Who/What we'll miss: No Chinese Taipei, no chance to show up China...sad days, sad days...

So there went the first 11, before the month is out we're going to lose 15 more Asian teams and 5 Caribbean islands; we'll bid them farewell soon enough, but for now goodnight Asian nations, and goodluck.

2014 World Cup Qualifying Begins

2011-06-16T09:45:00.000-07:00

We're still six weeks away from the first draw to organize qualifying for the 2014 World Cup, but there are a few preliminary matters to deal with first.

Those preliminary matters include getting rid of most miniscule minnows in all of FIFA...you know...the ones who have more sway in the organization's boardrooms and backrooms than on the pitch. Their votes count in presidential elections...their athletes...eh, not so much.

Last night we got started with Belize topping Montserrat 5-2. I know what you're thinking: How could Montserrat lose? Well, let me ask you, if you lived in the place pictured at right...would your first concern be playing futbol...or avoiding volcanic ash and enjoying the sunshine?

At any rate. Belize V. Montserrat is only one of the preliminary games before the draw, the bigger issues are afoot in Asia where the 38 lowest rated teams play home-and-home playoffs to determine the lucky few who will get whomped by medium-sized talents in Bahrain and China...or if you're really lucky...Australia! (eep!) some of these will be all over by July 3rd, others won't even have the first leg start until July 23rd, wrapping up matches two days before the initial draw in Rio.

Whenever I watch or think about these games, I think of the Royal Rumbles I used to watch when I was a kid. If you watch pro wrestling you know what happens, put a bunch of guys in a small space and watch as one by one they throw each other over the side. No one wins anything...just a shot at the title. Only in this case, instead of sweaty men pretending that people believe they really are diabolical morticians or hip-hop heavyweights, there's a bunch of sweaty men pretending that they actually have a shot at the world title (it's adorable!).

The biggest matches kick-off around July 23rd with former World Cup contestants Iran, Saudi Arabia rising threat Uzbekistan and ex-Asian Champ Iraq in action. It's unlikely that they lose to their opponents (the Maldives, Hong Kong, Kyrgystan and Yemen respectively)...but like the Royal Rumble you never really know until it's underway. (Sure Iran's the Randy Macho Man Savage of Asian futbol...but Macho Man is gone...maybe Iran's doomed for the same fate?)

Through all the action we'll try to give a quick update, including quick adieus to each team as they bow out (it may only be a paragraph but it's the least we can do to honor the players, fans and delusional gamblers who thought they might have a shot).

Check back for more news later, after all, you never know when I'm going to randomly connect Randy Savage and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

African Nations Championship--While we were sleeping

2011-02-17T05:27:00.000-08:00

So I had a dream last night about using a flashlight to see inside eggs, and spilled soup and my father yelling at me to come watch Wayne Rooney.

I woke up confused, and while piecing things together remembered: "Isn't there a Football Tournament on now?" Answer: Yes...yes there is...not that anyone would notice.

The ANC or African Nations Championship should not to be confused with the ACN or African Cup of Nations nor the other ANC (Nelson Mandela's African National Congress political Party) nor of course CAN (which is an emphatic way of spelling a small storage cylinder, usually made out of tin and valuable for those who like soup).

No, the African Nations Championship is a special tournament designed to highlight the best of African football, by focusing on those players who play in their local African leagues. So there's no Didier Drogba, no Samuel Eto'o and no Michael "The Bison" Essien (our honorary Ghanaian/Montanan). There are however 16 teams vying for the trophy...only...not any more.

It seems that while I was working on my thesis and having dreams about eggs, soup and Wayne Rooney, the tournament has already reached the knock-out stages (sidebar: I'm not a great news man am I?) But! World Football is always intriguing and the fact that this tournament comes fast on the heels of the Asian Cup and massive unrest in North Africa and is being held in Sudan means that things could be interesting both in terms of football and politically.

Let's take a look at the final 8. (The Quarter Finals kick off tomorrow!) The first matches will see South Africa against Algeria in a battle of two sides with some World Cup experience. Of course, Algeria has a number of players overseas while BafanaBafana is home to what many consider the best African league. Their group results bear that out with BafanaBafana easily topping a group that included a (weakened) Ghana (*tear*) while Algeria barely snuck in after managing draws against Gabon and Sudan. Speaking of the Nile Crocodiles, Sudan will be pitted against Niger [pronounced Nee-jhair for those of you worried about sounding like racists]. The hosts are in for a battle, as Niger boasts a solid midfield of local players, and cruised to second winning two and losing only to South Africa. Meanwhile, I have to base my entire analyses of Sudanese football off of one recent BBC (even Wikipedia is lacking!), but complaints of favoritism to Northern players (as well as the fact that not a single game has been played in the soon-to-be-free Southern sector) mean that uniting the country is probably not gonna happen. (And c'mon, Darfur can't be solved with a single great goal.)

On Saturday, Tunisia tussles The Democratic Republic of the Congo. Fresh off their revolution the Eagles of Carthage boast a wealth of homegrown talent (especially in a cohesive midfield) and topped their group with relative ease, while the defending champions from the most ironically named country in the world got in thanks to a 2-1 win over Cote D'Ivoire (just nudging them ahead of the Elephants). The last match sees Cameroon against Angola. On paper Angola's Black Antelopes should have the more well trained, unified side (rebuilding nicely after their first golden generation led them to the 2006 World Cup)--but they needed two goals to comeback against Rwanda and slip in to the out rounds. Meanwhile the Indomitable Lions (great nickname, ps) should have been easy pickings. None of the national first team plays in Cameroon, that national first team was absolutely shellacked in the World Cup (even with African footballer of the year Samuel Eto'o). Yet they cruised through their group winning each match and allowing nothing.

Based on first round performances it would be hard to bet against Cameroon and South Africa in the final...but if ever there was a team of destiny label to win, it would belong to Tunisia as the right team at the right moment in history. I'll keep trying to find video of this whole shindig, and share it with you if I ever can.

January 2011: 3 On/3 Off

2011-01-31T12:32:00.000-08:00

We'll try and set this up so that each month we review the most important information about world football gleaned from matches, competitions and news. (Hopefully there's always something to talk about.) And to do that, we'll think about three heroes subbed onto the pitch, and three out of form slugs heading for the bench with their heads hanging low.

3 Coming On:

Japan in General and Kaisuke Honda in particular:

Winning the Asian Cup is a little like being the greatest best baseball team in triple A. You've got a trophy and god knows you deserve it...but everyone knows in their heart of hearts that it might not be that way if you had to play a big-time, high-profile squad of superstars in the making.

Still, the blue samurai deserve to be congratulated. And unlike the Albuquerque Isotopes, they will get to play some high-profile superstars this summer when they head down to the Copa America to try their luck against Brazil and Argentina. Win that and I'll genuflect and beg forgiveness...until then, I'll just keep clapping politely

Except for Kaisuke Honda. After a sterling World Cup he won man of the tournament honors in Qatar and set the stage for his continued rise to the title of Asia's top footballer. Sniggering over his relationship to the car factory needs to stop...he looks like he's for real.

Feeling Good in Qatar
The Asian Cup was chock full of good stories. The hosts overcame their minnow-ish ranking and made a strong showing against eventual champions Japan. The Uzbeks were a surprise entry into the semi-finals (except not to me...because I predicted it...because I'm AWESOME!). And for a brief period of time the Australians were able to distract their countrymen from surging flood waters with some stellar football and a near miss in the final match. Kudos Asia, Kudos!

Spain...the system everyone wants a part of

Just in case the fawning adoration of the World Cup winners wasn't enough, FIFA pointed out the supremacy of Spanish Football at their annual awards ceremonies in Zurich. And while the Spaniards didn't walk away with any major individual hardware...their system and league gave a full throated power yell of domination to anyone who still thought Spain's best contribution to recent world history was tapas.

Lionel Messi (Barcelona's wunderkind) won the Ballon d'Or. Jose Mourinho (Mr. Jump on the Bandwagon/Real Madrid) won the coach of the year. And the Fifa Pro World XI features 8 La Liga representatives and 6 Spanish Nationals. Investing in all that talented football may have diverted funds from other areas like...say...the crippling Iberian debt crisis...but hey! SHINY TROPHIES!! (Suck on that England)

3 Heading off

Saudi Arabia: The Riyadh Zoo

Here in America we have a long and storied history of teams that are quite simply CRAZY. The Bronx Zoo of the New York Yankees in the 1970s, The Portland Jail Blazers from the turn of the millenia, The Cincinatti Bengals of...well...pretty much forever. But no matter what your preferred local sport, few crazy ass teams can compete with the insanity of Saudi Arabia at the Asian Cup.

Lose your first game (2:1 to Syria), that's bad...but maybe not: fire the coach this second bad. Still, the Saudi's made their choice and went in confident against Jordan...where they lost again (1:0). It's hard to fire a coach after one match, so instead King Abdullah fired federation president (Prince Sultan Bin Fahd) and replaced him with Prince Nawaf Bin Faisal. Surely, after cleaning house of these losers, a meaningless game against a half-strength already progressed Japan would give them the chance to lick their wounds, learn their lessons. Or...lose 5:0 and lead to the sacking of their second coach in three matches. (Cue the slow sarcastic clap)

A Break-away Confederation?

I listen regularly to the BBC's World Football podcast (and if you're reading this website hoping for news I suggest you look there instead). Last week the Beeb broke the story of scuttlebutt surrounding a new Confederation that could be created by merging Oceania with East Asia. The move makes sense for a few people. First, Australia could stop pretending to be Asian. Second, Japan and South Korea could have lovely holidays in New Caldonia. Finally, China could bid for the World Cup in 2026 and really stick it to the Qatari federation and AFC president Mohammed Bin Hammam.

But once you dig a little deeper this is a terrible plan. Oceania gets nothing but a pack of guaranteed ass-kickings in Tokyo, Seoul and Sydney. The whole scheme completely undermines FIFA authority and sets up more snide bickering between bureaucrats (leading to more back stage wheeling and dealing rather than less). North America would likely get bumped to one-side AGAIN in the continental rotation order (and with Europe likely to throw a tantrum for 2030, our next shot would be 2034...22 years after the Mayan apocolypse!). Nice try East Asia (and Australia)...but no...just no.

Qatar's Crickets

One little bone to pick with Qatar after the AFC Cup...seriously? you broke the bank to win the World Cup and you the only two full houses you can draw are for the home team versus Japan...and the final? I've seen bigger houses for operas in Butte! I've met more dedicated footie fans in remote hillside villages of India! Come on guys...show us why you won it. (Unless it's through corruption in which case please give no sign).

AFC Cup Outrounds!

2011-01-21T06:29:00.001-08:00

It's crunch time in Qatar and no...I'm not referring to the home stretch of a camel race. Today begins the out rounds of the AFC cup, and shockingly, for someone with absolutely no experience, I did pretty well on my predictions of the quarter finalists.

Japan, Uzbekistan, Australia, South Korea, Iran and Iraq all came through for me, with only China and Saudi Arabia (who fired two coaches in three matches) falling short. So the new darlings are Jordan and...yup...Qatar. I'm wondering if they're winning through illegality or through sheer antagonism towards the rest of the world.

If you've watched any of the highlights (Click here if you're interested) you may well have noticed the somewhat...generally...shall we say..."sparse" crowds at the matches. That's too kind: there are literally HUGE SWATHS of seats available at these games. Seriously, I've seen larger crowds at Craig Kilborn Fan Fests. My brother's high-school games were more attended than these matches...and they played in Bozeman...in November...after shoveling snow off the field.

So, hey, if you want to go on vacation and see some international soccer in the lap of luxury: Qatar's the way to go. (It'll be easier now than in 11 years anyway).

We'll be back in a few days to check on the semi's which will have at least one starry-eyed dreamer playing with the World Cup perennials. (Good luck surviving that one Uzbekistan/Jordan)

AFC Cup 2011: A half-hearted/belated preview

2011-01-09T16:32:00.000-08:00

Since the Asian Cup kicked off two days ago, I suppose I ought to point out precisely who is likely to win this and head on to the Confederations Cup in 2013.

Why? Because it's early January and there's NOTHING ELSE TO DO!

Let's lose Qatar (the deal with the Devil only won the them the world cup hosting, not actual talent), Syria (with only two stars left on their flag they only have so much collateral to trade with), North Korea (a change in management's always tough--for all his problems Kim Jong Il always got the red robot motivated) and much as it pains me to admit it: India. (Where the fans will be cheering right up until the cricket comes back on.

Just missing out on the out rounds we have Jordan (any non Michael form of "Jordan" can't win a title for fear of copyright infringement), Bahrain and the UAE (losing out of sympathy for their fellow obscenely wealthy Arab state: Qatar) and Kuwait...because I flipped a coin and they lost.

Ooops, Uzbekistan stayed alive until the knock out stage, but Japan will take care of that, while China crushes Saudi Arabia and moves wins the title of country that most frustrates Bill O'Rielly. On the other side of the draw, Australia and South Korea will run roughshod over Iraq and Iran because they'll be busy moping over their demotion on O'Rielly's list.

In the semifinals Australia will take China out for "a quick snort" the night before. Several hours and 22 lost pairs of pants later, a bedraggled/hungover China will be dumped from the tournament by a barely winded set of Socceroos. Meanwhile the Japanese and Koreans will do what they do best: hate eachother through a tense draw that ultimately results in a Korean victory.

The final on the 29th we'll have a rematch of a previous game between two group C rivals (as seen on January 14th). And under the blazing Qatari sun, a clear victor will emerge: and that victory will be....AUSTRALIA! (Because the crafty Aussies will spike their opponents Kim Chee...diabolic villainy...that's the Aussie way!)

The Full 90: 2010/2011

2011-01-02T08:46:00.000-08:00

Since we missed a chance to do a year in review, or a year in preview...how about we do both? With two halves covering 45 people, teams, places and moments that turned our heads in 2010, and 45 things to keep an eye on in 2011.

1st Half--2010

At the start of the year Egypt (1) showed us what we would all be missing in June by winning the African Cup of Nations (2). And while the Pharaohs would indeed be missed, you'd be hard pressed to say that The World Cup (3) was a failure without them. To be sure we might have been better served with them than with the whipping boys from Honduras (4) or North Korea (5). Speaking of the Red Robot (The coolest national team nickname of the year) (6) bad news for Kim Jong Il (7) and all fans of a free and independent press; the first live television event in decades, or maybe ever (8) ended with a 7-0 loss to Portugal (9) and professional tabloid headline/underwear model Cristiano Ronaldo (10).

Despite the triumph over the forces of evil on the pitch, Ronaldo lost a much bigger trophy--that of biggest goober in professional football to Wayne Rooney (11). You might recognize Rooney from his starring role in the Very cool Nike World Cup commercials (12) or, possibly, the bizarre Tiwanese computer animated recreations of his sexual exploits (13). Despite the monastic diligence demands of coach Fabio Capello (14) the Three Lions of England (15) were so distracted by injuries, Rooney and fellow horn dog John Terry (16) managed to barely scrape into the second round before getting positively throttled by Germany (16).

But protestations of English incompetence have nothing on France (17) and Italy (18). Les Blus quit on coach Raymond Domenench (19) not only mentally, but LITERALLY quitting and refusing to practice before playing South Africa (20) in their final (pointless) group match, the only Bafana Bafana win of the cup. Meanwhile, the Azzuri sleepwalked their way through two draws against Paraguay (21) and New Zealand (22) before losing to titans Slovakia (23). Point and laugh everyone point and laugh.

Okay, lets cease our focus on the idiots who lost, instead, lets remember those brave fools who managed to win in spite of everything else. Starting with Landon Donavan (24) whose last minute goal over Algeria (25) gave the USA (26) an epic win and begat the reactions that begat the Youtube clip that shut up the nation's soccer haters. Of course one could argue that Ghana's (27) win over us in the next round shut down the love affair, but I think it's probably still got some life left. Besides, as someone who was in Ghana at the time, I know it meant a lot to them (and this might just be my personal fandom highlight of the year (28) ):

While I learned to love Kevin Prince Boateng (29) and Andre "Dede" Ayew (30) I've got to feel for the truly impassioned (though slightly stubborn) Asamoah Gyan (31) who had the semi-finals in his fingers only to see them slip away. Of course, my personal tournament villain, Luis Suarez (32) helped with that. But no matter how much we may want to curse Uruguay (33) you've got to love Diego Forlan's (34) hair. Forlan led the way for exciting players captivating a world wide audience, and the raft of others including Mesut Oezil (35), Bastian Schwienstager (36), Wesley Snejieder (37), Keisuke Honda (38), Robert Koren (39) and David Villa (40).

Of course it was Villa who won in the end as the boys of La Furia Roja in Spain (41) finally lifted the World Cup over the perennial bridesmaids from The Netherlands (42). And while their party has lasted well into the new year, and the specter of insulting insinuations of corruption have faded in South Africa, Sepp Blatter (43) has gotten to appreciate scandal and innuendo anew with the awarding of the 2018 World Cup to Russia (44) and the 2022 event to Qatar (45).

2nd Half--2011

The awarding of more cups to future hosts gives us the opportunity to start looking forward into the year 2011 and the tonnage of events that will effect future world cup activities.

Start with the inauguration of Dilma Rousseff (46) the new president of Brazil (47). As the successor to the politician who brought back facial hair: Luiz Inacio "Lula" DeSilva (48). The good news for futbol fans is that Rousseff will likely continue most of DeSilva's policies. The bad news is that she's not quite as popular as DeSilva and might struggle to keep the construction/renovation of the 12 stadiums on track. Hey, why does that sound familiar?

But to start things off nice and easy we've got the Ballon D'Or Awards Spectacle on January 10th (49). Inside the labyrinthine secret lair of FIFA in Switzerland (50) the votes have been tabulated and soon we'll know who has pulled down the big fat trophies. The big prize is down to a race between Andres Iniesta (51), Xavi (52) and Lionel Messi (53). If you're noticing a certain Spanish flavor to that you're not alone. The world game is distinctly connected to the joys of paella and if you aren't part of La Liga (54) you're really just an after thought now (as evidenced by the fact that the three coaches nominated for Coach of the Year (55) all work in Spain). The equally enticing World XI (55) will be announced the same day: but only 3 players on the 55 name shortlist hail from somewhere other than Europe or South America. (Those 3 would be Didier Drogba (56), Samuel Eto'o (57) and, my favorite,

Michael "The Bison" Essien (58).) C'mon FIFA, no token rep for North America? or Asia? Sigh...

Well, Asia will just have to try and find a stand out starting with the Asian Cup (59). Kicking off in just 5 days on January 7th in the arab nation of Qatar (remember them? They're gonna host the World Cup in 12 years?). The 16 teams gearing up include relative minnows Syria (60), Jordan (61) and (even though I love them) India (61). But as the tournament unfolds keep an eye on the dogfight in Group C between South Korea (62) and Australia (63) (two World Cup teams will keep it interesting) and rising power Uzbekistan (64) (drawn into a weak Group A).

That final will kick off a year worth of confederation competitions building to the 2013 Confederations Cup (65). First Panama (66) hosts the Central American Cup (67) to pick up 5 teams to fill out the big dance: the CONCACAF Gold Cup (68) in June, where Mexico (69) will try to re-establish its dominance of the confederation. El Tricolor will follow that up with a trip down to Argentina (70) for the Copa America (71). Oddly, they'll also be with Japan (72)...why precisely Japan is competing for the title of best team in South America...well...uhh...I've got no clue. Just trust that one of the big powers will knock them out, with Chile (73) looking to be the feel good story of the year.

Throughout the summer there will be qualifiers aplenty for the 2012 African Cup of Nations (74) (to be held in Equatorial Guinea (75) and Gabon (76)) and the 2012 Euro Tournament (77) (in Poland (78) and the Ukraine (79)). But just in case you aren't in the mood for Mozambique V. Comoros on October 7th (80) or Luxembourg V. Albania on September 6th (81) don't worry there's plenty of other action to enjoy. Including the Women's World Cup in Germany (82), the U-17 World Cup in Mexico (83) and the U-20 World Cup in Columbia (84). Whether you want to try and spot up-and-coming talents (Alex Nimley (85) anyone?)or a host of women with enough talent and toughness to crush you between their little fingers (I'm looking at you Abby Wambach (86))

there's plenty of futbol to be enjoyed.

Kick back and enjoy the matches wherever you are in the world. Appreciate the patience and consistency of Ji-Su Park (87), the fine touch and goal scoring acumen of Zlatan Ibrahimovic (88) and the eternally entertaining Diego Maradona (89). Best of all...there's the Qualification Draw for the 2014 World Cup, on July 30th in Brazil (90)

Extra Time Predictions:

1: Argentina wins the Copa America at home...Diego Maradona pouts, Brazil goes crazy with the fear that they're in dire straits for futbol matches 3 years away.

2: The qualifying draw for the 2014 World Cup creates one very difficult qualifying group including both New Zealand and New Caldonia...the world press corps does not notice.

3: I won't write another post like this for at least a year.

World Cup 2018/2022 The Winners Revealed: A Live Blog!

2010-12-02T06:42:00.000-08:00

11:30 ET--And with that our conversations have devolved into MacKenzie family hijinx. Including the invention of a new wrestler (Swift Justice, dressed up like a judge with the finishing move: "The Gavel") and continued berating of Alexi Lalas ("Why did ridiculing Fifa officials during the hour leading up to the announcement seem like a good idea?"). There's a lot to like about these decisions: it spreads the game to new parts of the world, it lets us all share in the fun, it may lead to great innovations in solar technologies for the Qatari world cup which benefit the world, and it stops Vladmir Putin from going on an assassination spree throughout Europe, which is also appreciated. There's a lot to fix too (Russia's venues being spread out throughout that massive continent, the fact that Qatar is...you know...Qatar) but throughout that time, we'll be here to analyze the World cup and all its ancillary silliness straight through to the end. From three Montanans lost in the lonely East, I'm Ben MacKenzie. Good night.

11:22 ET--Quoth Simon, who has just woken up and gotten the news: "Money always wins, and Alexi Lalas shoudl shut his damn mouth for jinxing us!"

11:20 ET--Meanwhile Qatar is going to have a 30 mile ring containing the best soccer players in the world (except the poor blokes from Wales), playing at Stadiums that they have to find a way to cool, and ensuring security at a level high enough to convince fans/corporate partners to buy in, while offsetting the lost alchohol revenue that's hampered by Sharia law...and then they will tear it all down and send it to Malawi

11:11 ET--Matt and I have been jibber-jabbering about the other issues related to this outcome, and we still think that England's been a little too smug in their bids. But all that can be fixed if Dame Helen Mirren sends out a come hither look. (Keep your Hiedi Klums, Charlize Therons and Nicole Kidmen...just give us the DAME!)

10:53 ET--All Xenophobia in this post was brought to you by George W. Bush's new memoir: Deciding Things, exclusively at Borders

10:51 ET--The award for first vaguely racist comment from Nick on ESPN's live chat: "Security nightmare 2022" Matt's rebuttal: "I would think that would be the one time it doesn't happen. 'Yo, let's go blow up a place!' 'Nah, dude...game's on!' "

10:50 ET--Before 2022, says Matt, "needs to improve its defense but it has tremendous upside potential and length"

10:47 ET--We should note that Matt's super-hot Scorching-burn on England was brought to you by TGIFs brand Jalapeno Poppers, available in your grocer's freezer section

10:44 ET--Matt says it best: "WOWZA!"

10:43 ET--Here again is Sepp doing his old man bit fumbling for the envelope and the winner is........................................Qatar

10:42 ET--Matt's gut is 1 for 1...he claims it never lies. (He also notices that England has a great deal of other things going for it...but it really ought to progress past the Quarter Finals in a cup held outside of England before we're impressed)

10:41 ET--Slightly awkward moment, Blatter thanks the losers...but I didn't hear him mention England...that'll teach you to criticise FIFA England

10:40 ET--Attention shifts to 2022, and the question is Qatar, Australia or the USA...but a little more blather before we get there

10:39 ET--England comes up short again...good thing Prince William got the proposal in before coming up empty here.

10:37 ET--2018 goes to.......RUSSIA!

10:36 ET--Blatter keeps picking up the envelope and putting it down, "and now, and now"...get it done SEPP!

10:35 ET--High drama has occured as I had to run quickly and do my actual job, but fortunately Sepp Blatter has been blathering. So nothing has been missed

10:30 ET--"Lazy Setup, brought to you by sonic Drive in. Sonic, we give you Dialisis" (Matt)

10:29 ET--Here comes Jerome Valke...the Jimmy Fallon of Fifa

10:28 ET--Here we go!

10:25 ET--Same logic holds for Russia, FIFA's attempt to deliver the deathblow to Hockey... Matt: "Soccer V.s. Hockey Deathmatch? I'd go with the Hockey Players."

10:22 ET--Quick debate, Matt: Does the world's most popular sport need growth?, Ben: Not really, but they'd love to have more countries like America who take a hosting turn and then become bigger consumers of the game over the next 20 years Matt: "So the Aussies are a more desirable target because Soccer isn't the No. 1 Sport behind swimming, Aussie Rules and what...Alpine Skiing? Quidditch? Mad Max Recreation Derbies?" Ben: "I think it's keg standing actually"

10:16 ET--Our colleagues at CNN (Aka Uncle Ted's Big Ol' House O' News) says that the announcement will be made at 9:30... Matt: "Way to build the suspense Blatter!"

10:13 ET--Our penatrating analysis (Matt: The Cup in the desert in the middle of the summer is a bad idea/Ben: And the idea of 9 stadiums with super huge air conditioning systems seems like a lot of electricity to use up for a supposedly "green World Cup")

10:11 ET--Our Mideast expert, Matt MacKenzie says: "just an oil deal, they happen at every meal"

10:10 ET--ESPN (the evil empire to our plucky rebel batallion) is reporting that there's a short delay, but Qatari bid reps are shaking hands happily....

10:08 ET--Wondering why things are still not announced, Matt's theory: Russian mafia pulling some last second strings, or Putin with a sniper rifle on a nearby rooftop, (Bourne Supremecy style)

10:06 ET--Matt and I once tried to launch our own cable news channel "MacKenzie Low Budget Sports"--stupid ESPN...their monopoly avoids soccer coverage

10:03 ET--And in 1 minute Matt has come to the same conclusion I arrived at over a month of research

10:02 ET--And Matt makes his predictions: "Here's my complete and total gut reaction prediction, which is based on nothing other than guts, know how and stomach-ness, Ready? 2018 Russia, 2022 Aussies

10:01 ET--And...they're late getting started...stupid Swiss...BUY A WATCH ALREADY!!

9:56 ET--Matt MacKenzie is in the house! This is his first live blog...mine too come to think of it

9:54 ET--And meanwhile in the 2018 race:
England (Our Bid Analyses) (My vote #1/FIFA #2)
Netherlands/Belgium (Our Bid Analyses) (My vote # 3/FIFA #4)
Spain/Portugal (Our Bid Analyses) (My vote #4/FIFA #3)
Russia (Our Bid Analyses) (My vote #2/FIFA #1)

9:51 ET-- Just to play an amusing game to pass the time, Here are the bids again as well as who I would vote for/who I think FIFA will vote for)
2022: Australia (Our Bid Analyses) (My vote: #2/FIFA #1)
Japan (Our Bid Analyses) (My vote #5/FIFA #5)
Qatar (Our Bid Analyses) (My vote #4/FIFA #3)
South Korea (Our Bid Analyses) (My vote #3/FIFA #4)
USA (Our Bid Analyses) (My vote #1/FIFA #2)

9:46 ET-- In 15 minutes or so the world's soccer nerds will turn their attentions to Zurich in order to hear which countries have been selected for the billion dollar boondoggle known as the FIFA World Cup. 9 bid teams are dreaming and hoping of the day when the world will come to play on their shores (bringing lots of money with them).

Here at the Montana Hooligans' World Cup Center, we've (okay, I've) been analyzing the bids and have come up with my own opinions and biases...but the odds that my opinions and biases are the same as a bunch of sextagenarians in Zurich are relatively scant, so...take all of this with a grain of salt.

I'll try to blog as I see things, so keep hitting refresh, and hopefully witticism will come with it.

--Scruffy Rube

MEET THE BID: ENGLAND 2018

2010-11-30T19:14:00.000-08:00

With the stars of world futbol alining in Zurich, we quickly dash off the final installment of our Meet the Bid series, highlighting the long perceived front-runner for the 2018 games, England

Tagline: The World Invited.

What the Tagline Should Be: The World Invited...but seriously you guys, show up this time.

You Tube Plea:

Pros: Well, start with the fact that the game has its origins in England. England is the most dominant futbol force on the planet (even if it's team plays like a pack of three-toed sloths in World Cup outrounds). Its league is the most popular. Its players are (at least among) the most well known. Its citizens play and watch more than anyone else on the planet (and drink more Guiness while doing it!). It last hosted in 1966 and is right around the due date for their 50 year return cup (Italy, France and Brazil all waited that long). They've played the game and bid frequently throughout the 90s and 00's, now they want it, the deserve it, by god we all better come to their party!

Cons: When I first heard that England was bidding for 2018 it was widely assumed that the bidding was a mere formality. They wanted it, they'd waited for it, by god they deserved it. If that sounds a little smug to you...that's because it is; and surprisingly for some people smugness is a turn off (did you read that VH1? Sound romantic advice. Can I have a reality tv show now?). And though some are still concerned about the possibility of hooligans and racist fan chants (like you might be if you're considering bringing 31 teams from disparate countries to an insulated, overcrowded, occasionally xenophobic island), the biggest detraction from the English bid is the overzealous British press. In the last months, English newspapers have published harsh expose's accusing several FIFA board members of intending to sell votes for the cup in exchange for youth programs in their countries. While journalistic integrity can be cool, FIFA doesn't exactly like being publicly attacked by people who want them to do favors. (I really do almost expect Sepp Blatter to shout: "Sticks and Stones may break my bones...but your words also hurt me!!!")

Summary: It really boils down to a tough choice for FIFA: give the World Cup to England and rake in obscene gobs of money while exposing yourself to extended criticism in the British press, or don't give England the world cup, make large sums of money elsewhere while exposing yourself to a brief critique and slander in the British press.

Chances: No matter how pessimistic the British have become, never underestimate FIFA's desire for the cash. They're still the front-runners.

Well, that covers the bids. We'll be back Thursday morning with a live blog coverage of the host unveilings 8 AM Mountain...the only time zone that matters.

MEET THE BID: SPAIN/PORTUGAL 2018

2010-11-28T16:37:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving holiday led us to push this post back a little bit, but that just means a little more concentrated commentary in the next days before the winning bids are announced. Now, let's get to Spain/Portugal's bid:

Tagline: (I've looked for a while, can't find one)

What the Tagline Should Be: The Iberian Peninsula is SOOOOooooooOOOO hot right now we don't even need a tagline.

You Tube Plea:

Pros: As the promotional video suggests, Spain and Portugal are very beautiful countries, full of very attractive people who like futbol very very much. Undoubtedly the popularity of futbol among the people who live in Spain and Portugal ensures that (unlike the swathes of empty seats around South Africa this year) every match will be a sell out. Moreover, the futbol played on the peninsula is also incredibly popular around the world. The domestic leagues, especially the Madrid/Barcelona matches, draw a global audience (it's huge in Seoul). Then there's the intense popularity of midfielder/professional-tabloid-headline Christiano Renaldo (young enough to be my son, pretty enough to be my daughter). And finally...you might recall that the Spaniards won the world cup this summer, especially if you know or have met any Spanish citizen...anywhere.

Cons: It's great that Iberian soccer is hot right now, but what the hell difference does right now make in 8 years when Real Madrid has imploded like Lehman Brothers, and Christiano Ronaldo retires and turns into fat Elvis? There's also the fact that FIFA has said they don't want to have joint hosts again (In 2002, Korea and Japan hosted like a couple that broke-up right before hosting a New Years party). Oh, and the fact that bid officials have been accused of swapping votes with the Qatari bid officials (Scandal...no es bueno!) And finally, there's the financial situation of both countries. While Iberian soccer might cool off, Iberian financial distress is just heating up. (If economists are proven correct, a Spain/Portugal world cup might end up being as smart a move as Greece/Ireland....ZING--ECONOMIC JOKE!!)

Summary: Throughout that promotional video I kept thinking: "I want to go to Spain and Portugal"...the bid organizers are basically counting on that sentiment and a few Ronaldo smiles to sway the voters.

Chances: Don't get me wrong, Ronaldo's smile has led to the polar ice-caps melting, but I just think there's too much stacked against them to make the bid a favorite.

Next time on Meet the Bid: England 2018 ("Okay, this isn't funny anymore, give us the World Cup again!")

MEET THE BID: RUSSIA 2018

2010-11-24T10:54:00.001-08:00

After finishing the analysis of all 2022 candidates, we move on to the last three bids, each for the 2018 starting with Mother Russia...

Tagline: "Ready to Inspire"

What the Tagline Should Be: "Ready to Inspire....FEAR!"

You Tube Plea:

Pros: If you've read any of the other posts, you know that one of the best things you can do to boost your World Cup bid is offer FIFA a new market to tap into. Growing the game is one of their biggest passions, and when a country starts making more money, the powers that be perk up considerably. (Why else would Brazil be set to host the World Cup and Olympics in the span of 2 years?) Russia (the R in the BRIC gang) is set to offer FIFA an emerging market, and with 8 years before kickoff they should have plenty of time to take all their money and all their clout and fix any problems FIFA identifies. Additionally, Russia can be a ground breaking host offering the first Eurasian cup and offer a rallying point for a diverse and often tenuous alliance of ethnic groups (That's right FIFA, Money & PEACE!). Finally, there's the fact that Russia is looking for their coming out party as a new world power (like Beijing's Olympics)...and the powers that be in Russia, usually get what they want...(or else, FIFA!)

Cons: Let's start with the fact that Russia is HUGE. So the basic logistics of getting around for national team fans is difficult (Heck between St. Petersburg and the other most northern city (Yaroslav) it's 10 hours by train...) So the transport logistics for teams and fans would be almost always solved with plane travel--normally fine, but a little rough given the push for greener games. Then there's the whole problem of the stadia, because while Russia has some stadiums, they need new ones, better ones (ones without the foul stank of communist despair) and while the economy is booming...the bureaucracy is a little tough to navigate...meaning they'll probably need all 8 years. And on that note, it might be a little hard to sell Russia as a brand new nation as long as Vladmir Putin (aka Humanoid Dobby the House Elf) is creating new positions to keep himself in power and attempting to poison former spies. (Doesn't really seem like Fair Play, does it?)

Summary: Russia's an awfully attractive site, especially in a race against other European countries that have already hosted. But the country's also a little/a lot crazypants...not good

Chances: If Vladmir Putin will reportedly turn up to make an emotional appeal, good...If Vladmir Putin turns up to make a death threat, REALLY GOOD!

Next time on Meet the Bid: Spain/Portugal 2018 ("So, we've been successful recently...reward us some more please!!")

MEET THE BID: AUSTRALIA 2022

2010-11-22T16:01:00.000-08:00

Today we conclude our look at the 2022 World Cup Bids with a quick analysis of Australia's quest to host the cup.

Tagline: Come Play!

What the Tagline Should be: Come play, get drunk, see a bunch of nature and watch some football...you know...whatever!

You Tube Plea:

Pros: Australia offers a lot of the things FIFA likes best: a burgeoning market for its product, money, distinctive culture, money, adorable children who want to learn the game, money and pretty girls. (That's the problem with Qatar, not enough bikinis!) Other benefits are spelled out in greater depth in this video with (speaking of pretty girls) Nicole Kidman. Undoubtedly the most important benefit is the potential riches involved in turning a sports mad nation into a futbol mad nation. Do that and, in the words of Rod Blagoevich "YOU ARE F*&*ING GOLDEN!". Moreover an Australian cup would offer a small nod to the forgotten step child of FIFA, the Oceania Football Confederation (otherwise known as New Zealand and the Pips). Finally, judging by that promotional video, Australians have superhuman kicking abilities...it would behoove us all to stay on their good side.

Cons: That whole "burgeoning market" thing cuts two ways. While futbol's increasingly popular down under, it still trails Aussie Rules Football, Rugby, Surfing and Drinking Beer as the nation's primary entertainments. For better or worse, Australia is banking on the World Cup to spur interest in the game and push soccer to number one (I would mock this...but America's doing the same thing). Speaking of the land up over, Australia is generally seen to be in direct competition with the US (with Japan, Korea and Qatar, lagging behind). Normally, this would be great given international antipathy towards rewarding the US with still more money. BUT a quick look at the websites of each bid show a stark contrast in the reception the cup might receive in each country. Over 1 Million people have signed a petition on the US site, the petition on Australia's site has 325,000 (I know our education system stinks...but 1 Million is still more than 325,000...right?). And while Australia's connection with Oceania seems like a bonus, the recent banishment of Oceania's chief from voting on the World Cup host might turn that into an albatross.

Summary: It's a good bid, fair dinkum. But the lack of passion might bite them in the bum.

Chances: FIFA loves growing the game, so even with an uncertain national popularity, the promise of liquor, money and pretty girls, might make Australia too good to pass up.

Next Time on Meet the Bids: Russia 2018 (In Russian World Cup Bid...Futbol Plays YOU!!!)

Meet the Bid: USA 2022

2010-11-19T17:46:00.000-08:00

Tagline: The Game is in US

What the Tagline Should Be: The Game is in all of us, and all of us are in the US, ergo, the game is in US.

You Tube Plea:

(Preface: I will try to be as neutral as I can...if I fail, I trust someone will tell me)

Pros: Strange as it may sound, America actually might have international interests on our side for once. If we talk about spreading the game around to every continent, then North America will undoubtedly be the most overlooked continent in 2022. Since the US welcomed the world in 1994 every continent will have hosted a World Cup (including Europe 3 times...not that we're jealous or anything). As the only North American country in the game, we've got continental rotation on our side. Moreover our last big sporting event on US soil was the Salt Lake City winter games of 2002 (though there's an outside chance that Bozeman might bid on the Winter Olympics in 2022...VERY outside). So some might say we're overdue (some might also say that we're a pack of imperialist dogs who want to rule the world...but that's for the con section). The stadia have already been built, the fan base has been growing with every world cup, the money should continue to flow, corporations will be on board and we offer more cultural diversity than you can shake a stick at. (Go ahead, try, you'll probably need a redwood).

Cons: Europe is going to get the games in 2018, and England is the likely front runner there, so the prospect of two straight cups that line the pockets of pasty anglos might get the diverse FIFA board to pass. (Though, to rebut that argument, so many companies are owned by WASPy types it doesn't matter where it's held Coke and Nike are going to get their cuts.) It also doesn't help matters that the game is still a niche sport in the US, belittled by the mainstream media, with a minute portion of the population that's really fanatical and no real club presence on the international stage. (Again, to rebut, we do love the World Cup because it's the best of the best...and we do like the best of the best.) Finally, we are a pack of imperialist dogs who want to rule the world (Rebuttal: PBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBT!) But seriously, the more anti-immigration we get, the more this World Cup bid sends a mixed message. (FYI: There would be scheduled games in Pheonix...would be pretty funny to see Lionel Messi deported for lacking proper documentation right before a match against the home team...scandalous...but funny.)

Summary: We've got the money, we've got the infrastructure, we've got the accessibility, we've got the continental politics, we've got the diversity and we've got Morgan Freeman. (He's not Mandela, but he has played him on film!) To be sure, I'm biased...but it's my blog...so pbbbbbt!

Chances: Let's say the US has as much chance of getting the 2022 world cup as your average sports talk radio guy has of ignoring the news that the US got the 2022 world cup...which is to say, REALLY DARN GOOD.

Next Time on Meet the Bids: Australia 2022--Why give it to America in 2022, when you can give it to America circa 1994?

MEET THE BID: JAPAN 2022

2010-11-16T17:10:00.000-08:00

Tagline: 208 Smiles/Dream

What the Tagline Should Be: 208 Countries We Can Market our Electronics to!

You Tube Plea:

Pros: Did you know that Japan makes a lot of electronic devices?!? They do!! And they hope to make many more electronic devices within the next 12 years, which is just fine because the world plans on continuing to buy said electronic devices as long as Japan makes them. (This is all my snarky way of saying that Japan has the business might and economic infrastructure to host whatever they want whenever they can have it.) Japan also has a leg up in the competition based on being significantly less European than the WASP-y sorts who populate Australia and the U. S. of A. Add to this the stated goal of making life better for children around the world and FIFA can check off both the: "diversify the game" and "help the little children" boxes on its bid checklist.

Cons: Like Korea, Japan's got the not insignificant albatross of having hosted within the past twenty years hung 'round its neck. It also has the somewhat specious argument of creating great technologies if it is made a host. C'mon, Japan, let's not be coy, you'll be able to make money with those technologies no matter where the cup is and we will all pay you handsomely for it. There's also the somewhat weird suggestion that Japan will invite children from every country on the world to their country...making them the first World Cup host to model their bid on a plot device from Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory.

Summary: No doubt, Japan could easily host the World Cup, but based purely on the reports I read and websites I visit during my research for these posts (all 20 minutes of it), I seriously doubt that Japan will host the World Cup. They have no advertisements, make no big waves, merit no special mention in voting speculation. They could do it for sure, but whether or not they get the chance is another matter entirely.

Chances: About as likely as an eight-year-old farm boy asking for Sashimi.

Next Time on Meet the Bids: USA, 2022 (Won't someone please give us an international sporting event?)

MEET THE BID: KOREA 2022

2010-11-14T06:12:00.000-08:00

Tagline: More Than a Game

What the Tagline Should Be: More Than a Game...it's also a Way to One-up Japan.

You Tube Plea:

Pros: Have you ever started watching a hit tv show half-way through? It debuted and you didn't notice, it was on-air for a couple years and you were always busy or watching something else. Nobody really talked about it except to say: "oh yeah, I love that show!"? Well in global affairs that's Korea...the How I Met Your Mother of developing markets. As the You Tube video explains (in the kind of perfect presentation style that I have to give an A for content), Korea has stability politically and economically; its infrastructure is great and it offers a flair of the foreign with the comforts of home (it's EPCOT-tastic!). Also, Korea benefits from its competition: with FIFA honor bound to give the 2018 World Cup to some pasty Europeans it may not want to give the following World Cup to pasty descendants of pasty Europeans (that means bad news for the US and Australia) and the fine-tuned precision of Kora's bid seems a better alternative than Qatar and Japan.

Cons: Only one country has hosted the World Cup twice in twenty years (Mexico 1970 & 1986...and they only got the '86 gig after Columbia spent all its stadium money on Carlos Valderamma's hair gel), most countries have to wait 60 years before they host again (Italy, France, Brazil) and while Korea's great, it might be a little presumptuous to assume they deserve it again so soon. Moreover, the "great fan culture" cuts both ways, if Koreans love football so much they'll watch even if it's not in Korea. So if FIFA wants to grow the game, Korea might not be its best option. (Also: where were the adorable kids in that video? C'mon Korea you're missing the appeal to our heartstrings) It also might be a little naive to assume that FIFA can solve the problem of North Korea by giving South Korea the World Cup (Can you see Kim Jong Il saying: "well, shoot! I was going to keep imprisoning dissidents and asserting my iron will until I died and handed over power to my equally ruthless son, but now that you've given a platform for my main rival to show the world how forward they are and backward I am...I guess I better start behaving!")

Summary: My snarkiness aside, FIFA loves feeling needed and relishes the opportunity to use sport for good. That humanitarian slant, as well as a distinctive culture, stable environment, and excellent footballing history makes Korea a serious contender for the 2022 cup.

Chances: It all depends on the tricky balance of "Pasty European Guilt" v.s. "Growing the Game". If Korea holds up enough pictures of adorable kids holding soccer balls and pouting they have an excellent chance.

MEET THE BID: BELGIUM/HOLLAND 2018

2010-11-11T05:45:00.000-08:00

We continue our look at the bids for the 2018 and 2022 World Cups with Belgium and Holland's joint bid for 2018.

Tagline: Together for Great Goals

What the Tagline Should Be: HOPEFULLY We'll Still Be Together for Great Goals

You Tube Plea:

Pros: Beligum and Holland are offering the sensible, northern European approach to hosting futbol's premier event. And what they might lack in beaches and recognizable landmarks they more than make up for in steady, consistent effeciency (Yo HOTTIE!! show us your balanced budgets!!!). Both would be first time hosts and could offer a great chance to pay homage to one of the great international sides of the last 50 years (the perennial bridesmaids in orange). Also, to judge from their YouTube video, they may just be the first nation to broadcast the World Cup in a completely grunge indie ouevre, just think of the massive hipster market waiting to be tapped!!

Cons: That whole sensible approach thing can go right out the window if Belgium's Flemish north breaks away from the Wallonian minority in the south. (I know that "Wallonia" might sound made up, but believe me it, and the hostility towards it are very real). FIFA has said that they aren't real fond of joint-hosting bids, so going from two countries to three might be awkward. Neither country has an 80,000 seat arena for the biggest matches (stupid fiscal logic!). Also if they continue their aesthetic evolution from grunge indie to post-modernism we might just end up with 45 minutes of a match and 45 minutes of a cow's unblinking eye...snooty art critics are not a great futbol market.

Summary: Belgium/Holland probably has a solid chance to be a compromise site. Continental, centrally located, consistently stable, they'll appeal to several EU hugging politicos, but they just don't elicit the same excitement as other nations. (South Africa! Brazil! and now...Belgium?!?) and while the Netherlands has mobilized great players from their history to get out the vote around the world Belgium seems to mostly be sitting back and saying: "uhh...we can help too!"

Chances: Pretty good if England and Russia screw up their bids. And since screwing things up is a grand tradition for both the FA and Russia, I'll go ahead and say: "pretty good".

Our New Look, Our New Mission, and the 1st Installment of Our New Series

2010-11-08T14:33:00.000-08:00

Hey, look, this blog now looks like someone pays attention to it, instead of wallowing in the perpetual limbo of circa 2003 hipness!

Hey, look, someone's writing on this blog again after several months of absentee ownership (c'mon, man! Baseball was going on...I might love futbol, but I'm American...I've got to prioritize.) But now that distractions are (mostly) gone, we can focus in on the fun stuff like providing soccer commentary for the smart, and the smartasses of the world.

Hey, listen, I'm sure that professional league futbol is great fun, but it's not a passion here in the States. You know what is? The World Cup. So you know what we should do? Talk about the world cup some more!!! Sure the next installment is four years away. Sure qualifiers won't even start until next summer. Sure there's no way to intelligently predict anything based on anything, but since when has lack of intelligence stopped someone from posting things on the internet? (Case in point.)

So here's what's going to happen now, I'm going to spend the next 24 days in a mad dash trying to explain (in my most sassy of voices) what the chances are for each of the bidders involved in trying to get the 2018 and 2022 World Cups. Both hosts will be announced at the beginning of December which means I should be posting every three days.

With that, let's get cracking! (Just FYI I'm going to go in reverse World Ranking Order...just because I felt like it!)

***

MEET THE BID: QATAR 2022

Tagline: Expect Amazing

Real line: Expect Disappointment

YouTube Plea:

Pros: Qatar is the perfect bidder for FIFA's global domination strategy. Since 1994 they have assiduously tried to incorporate unlikely nations as hosts for the contest (the US, Japan/Korea, South Africa) the only two untapped markets are the Middle-East and the Arctic Circle. Since those damned lazy scientists at Ice Station Zebra were late in their paper work, Qatar has the leg up in the "new market" category. It also hits FIFA g-spots by providing allusions to luxurious accommodations, state of the art facilities, oodles of corporate sponsorship and children in need of athletic inspiration. (C'mon FIFA think of the kids!)

Cons: Qatar wants to hold the world's premier sporting event in a country that's a little bit smaller than South Dakota(boohiss!)'s Black Hills. It wants to have a host of elite athletes play a demanding physical game in average 106 degree temperatures (just what we need: more sweaty Slovenians). It wants to establish itself as a global soccer mecca despite a current FIFA ranking of #109...two spots below giant of the game: Barbados. The greatest player in their history is Mansoor Muftah, if you knew that before that video (and aren't Qatari), I will mail you some cookies. If you'd like to learn more about Mansoor Muftah, you might want something other than Wikipedia where the globe's geeks only came up with 4 sentences for him. Oh, and there were rumors about Qatar trying to swap votes with Spain and Portugal...so...their winning could raise some furor.

Summary: Qatar is easily the biggest long shot in the race to host the World Cup, and while part of me thinks it might be cool to see the game played on that stage, I think their best shot would come as part of a Middle Eastern group (maybe with Bahrain and the UAE?).

Chances: About as good as an ice cube on a Doha sidewalk.

Oops

2010-07-09T05:41:00.000-07:00

One of the down sides to having a World Cup blog is that such blogs don't actually--ya know, earn money.

As such the authors of this blog have prioritized work above play--and while we've all watched a bunch of games we haven't written.

To be fair: Matt has a new child on the way and it's best if you get ready for that is actually getting ready for it.

Also, Simon was in a bit of a nasty car accident and begun a new job after graduating from college, so....that was important too.

And I, Ben, was in Ghana for the month doing his thesis research. And while the complete obsession of Ghanaians with football was amazing, Ghanaian internet didn't care what I wanted to say and repeatedly reminded me of this fact by turning into a big white mass of nothing.

So...this is a world cup center that came up, regrettably empty.

But, as a certifiable nerd, sports fan and voicer of irrelevant opinions--I hereby vow that we will be back.

Hopefully we shall return sooner rather than later (perhaps the Champion's League...perhaps the Premiership or perhaps its time to try the MLS again...does Carlos Valderamma still play?) but if nothing else we'll write on Sunday and we'll write again in 2012--when the World Cup quest for qualification begins anew on those little ol' islands in the South Pacific.

Until Sunday--

The Scruffy Rube

On my way

2010-06-03T07:15:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I'll be spending hour after merry hour on a series of planes heading for Accra, Ghana and a futbol hot bed. Though I'm going for school work rather than sporting pleasure, I'm sure that I'll find the time to watch a few matches with some new friends and in so doing come up with stories that I'll be telling for years to come.

Hopefully, Matt and Simon will be able to make greater use of their stable internet connections, but just in case our sources of actual pay checks distract us from the fun of World Cup Soccer, please make use of this handy dandy website and all the gadgets and gizmos that come with it

Happy watching

The Rube

Meet the Teams: 4-for-1 BLOWOUT!!

2010-03-28T19:57:00.000-07:00

In honor--or plagiary--of March Madness, we return to our Meet the Team Series with a look at 4 European teams, and how they bear a striking similarity to the four principle teams in the Men's College Baskteball tournament: BEHOLD THE GLORY OF ANOTHER CHART!!

	Italy	Portugal	Greece	Switzerland
March Madness Archetype	Prestige Program	Choke Artist	Mid-Major cinderella Story	Speed Bump
If you cheer for them you may also like cheering for:	Duke Blue Devils	Texas Longhorns	Butler Bulldogs	Alabama State Hornets
Nickname	The “Azzurri”	Seleccao del Quinas (The Five Shields)	None (Taken away by EU in exchange for loan)	Schwizer Nati
Star Player	Fabio Cannavaro	Cristiano Ronaldo	Theofanis Gekas	Alexander Frei
Random player with a name that’s fun to say	Gianluigi Buffon (Sounds like “Buffoon”)	Da Silva Muniz Liedson (Three last names, no firsts)	Socratis Papaststhopolus	Blaise N’Kufo
Tearjerking story to be told in sepia tones	Triumphant story of 23 men who somehow are less attractive to women than Silvio Burlusconi	Triumphant story of a group of men who learn not to fall over at the first bit of contact	Triumphant story of a plucky group of men who help Greece forget about their crippling financial woes	Triumphant story of a group of chocolatiers who play a little sport on the side.
Best Possible Result	Yet another title....yawn	This year is OUR year	Soul stirring semi-final spot	“A pretty girl saw me and smiled!!!!”
Worst possible result	Inexplicable defeat...tar & feather at home	Another disappointment...yawn	Smug satisfaction for “experts”	Get lost on the way to the field
Most likely highlight reel appearance	Holding a big shiny trophy--like....this one!	Looking on in disbelief	Silly celebration	Running feebly after a star player
Likelihood that the coach cries after a championship	0	4	8	-6 (Victory may cause death, make crying impossible)

Meet the Teams: New Zealand

2010-01-29T11:34:00.000-08:00

As Matt takes us group by group through the World Cup teams, I thought I'd jump about in my usual scattershot way and take a peek at one of the cups tiniest minnows: New Zealand.

The All-Whites (as opposed to the All-Blacks, the national Rugby team) are not a discriminatory club, but they aren't exactly expected to do much of anything at the World Cup. In 12 games over four international tournaments (World Cup/Confederations Cups) they've scored four goals and won zero times. With Captain and Defender Ryan Nelsen (of the Blackburn Rovers) and a pair of young Premiership forwards, their best may be able to keep up--for about 15 minutes of their first match...then it's nothing but Italy, Paraguay and a long sad silence.

But rather than focus on the sadness, we Montanan Hooligans want to offer a solution. Instead of their standard team of tired, localized vets, and raw new comers, let's make use of what New Zealand has, through the least amount of wikipedia research possible

Every team should have a cunning and ruthless manager:

A dynamite attacking striker:

A set of creative and surprising midfielders

C couple intimidating defenders:

And an agile, frightening keeper

And we've got a team that could threaten box office records...and probably fare just as well as the actual New Zealand team. So, let's not worry about any of the factual validity of this post and just agree that New Zealand is a land of contrasts.

For MacKenzie Low Budget Sports, I'm Ben MacKenzie

Meet the Teams: Nigeria

2010-01-27T07:15:00.000-08:00

Here we are at the World Cup Cocktail party, hosted this year at the Tacoma Radisson of cyberspace: Google Blogger. You, my friend, are interested in meeting and greeting the teams vying for the World Cup in South Africa this summer. Having already accepted my sage crudite' advice (stay away from the raw broccoli, you will avoid embarrasing burp smells later), now please let me offer you a brief introduction to the most interesting teams in the room. I'll share with you the following elements: Pre-emptory Tomfoolery (a few jokes to get us started), Political History, Culinary Assets, a Sporting Preview (don't expect much, that isn't what this is about), and finally Recent Cultural Contributions. This way you'll have something interesting to talk about until the booze hits.

Now, back to the lecture at hand . . .

From Group B: NIGERIA

Pre-emptory Tomfoolery

This email is already making its way around the intertubes:

From the Desk of Nigerian Prince Johnothan Okoye, Your Assistance is Needed!!

Dear Sir,

I am Prince Johnothan Okoye of the Taraba People of Nigeria. My father, King Okoye, was deposed in 2006, and died tragically last year in a lawn mower accident. I am his sole heir. My father amassed a fortune while he was king and, in order to avoid the corrupt banking practices of our country, deposited it in several Romulan bank accounts. My family fortune, which stands currently at the sum of US $27M. (Twenty-seven Million Dollars) is currently being held at two separate banks in Romulus. I require your assistance in the retrieval of this sum. I need merely $5,234 US Dollars to pay various Romulan transaction fees. 40% of my fortune will go to you once it is retrieved ($8.1M), in thanks for your assistance to me. Further, As you know, the Nigerian Football team will be competing in this Year’s World Cup tournament. I am the spiritual and cultural advisor to this team, but am unable to travel with the team to this years tournament due to lack of funds. With your help not only will you and I enjoy a substantial monetary windfall, but I will be able to aid the team and the glory of a Nigerian World Cup victory will be assured. You will have your name inscribed upon the trophy in permanent marker for all to see and know of your goodness.

A friend who is a Staff of World Trading Center (WTC) here in Lagos made your contact available, knowing you to be a very savvy investor, with many brilliant acquisitions to your name. Please notify me of your acceptance to carry out this transaction through the above E-mail address or fax number. You should also note that the transaction would only take (14) fourteen working days.

You can also reply me to my private email address:princepumpthatbootay69@safe-mail.net

Warmest Regards,

Prince Jonothan.

American Suckers with ESPN (Also known as "the guys who still think Berman is funny" and "Wyoming") are already cheering for a Nigerian victory in South Africa. "Score that goal! Prince Jonothan is gonna make me rich! Ooops! Time to take my penis enlargement pills!"

Political History

Nigeria is the most populous nation in Africa (conservative estimates are 150 million) and is also one of the most ethnically diverse. It gained its independence from Great Britain on October 1, 1960. The extremely oil-rich Nigerian delta is Nigeria's principal natural resource, and for years the state controlled the oil industry skimming profits and hindering growth while the military ran the government. In the 1990s Nigeria transitioned into a representative Federal Democracy closely resembling that of the United States, with a bicameral legislature and a president elected to four year terms. Recently, Nigeria has modernized its economy, privatizing four major refineries and emerging as one of Africa's major economies. Of course, the Christmas-day Undiewear-Bomber was also from Nigeria. So . . . lets talk about food.

Culinary Assets

Since Nigeria doesn't have a lot of livestock, Nigerian cuisine typically focuses heavily on staple vegetables and starches: yams, cassava, okra, beans, lentils and rice. The coastal areas also specialize in seafood stews. One staple common throughout the country is the snack-food Chinchin, deliciously sweetened fried bits of dough:

A Sporting Preview

Group B fixtures: Argentina (6/12), Greece (6/17), South Korea (6/22)

Nickname: The Super Eagles (Yes, best team nickname so far).

The Super Eagles burst onto the world's stage and into the imaginations of two young boys in Montana when they dismantled a Bulgarian side led by the legendary Hristo Stoichkov 3-0 in the group stage of the 1994 world cup. Nigeria has boasted exceptional talent for years, winning the 1985, 1993 and 2007 U-17 World Cups, but have been unable to put it all together at the main-stage, emerging from group stage play in 1994 and 1998 only to lose their first games in the knock-out stages. The Super Eagles could not escape the group of Death in 2002 (Sweden, England, Argentina, YIKES!), and did not qualify for Germany 2006. Their qualifying campaign for South Africa was a microcosm of the team: an unfocused and lackadaisical start, followed by nail-biting tension as they managed to stay in the game, capped by a flourish of talent that made you wonder what they'd look like if they played that way all the time. The Super Eagles earned a spot in the semi-final of the CAF Africa Cup of Nations against Ghana (That's this Thursday at 1/28) by defeating Zambia on penalty kicks. Nigeria made all 5 kicks, and keeper Victor Enyeama shot and scored the final PK and then stopped Zambia's final shooter to secure the win. Strikers Obefemi Michaels (Wolfsburg), Yakubu Aiyegbeni (Everton - possessor of the best nickname in the tournament: "The Yak"), Center Mid Mikel John Obi (Chelsea, also known as John Obi Mikel, maybe also known as Obi Wan Kanobi), and Center Back Joseph Yobo (Everton-captain) are the stars. Ancient striker Kanu will also make the trip.

Recent Cultural Contributions

Nigeria has the third highest revenue producing film industry in the world behind Hollywood and Bollywood. "Nollywood" releases an estimated 25,000 new films per year, second only to the industry in India. Nollywood films are typically produced and distributed direct to DVD and have a distinctly DIY flavor. The movies are created on location, without sets, using digital video cameras and off the shelf film editing software. The subject matter ranges from pulp fiction to soap-opera style melodrama. Also, the trailers are hilarious, for example:

There is also a significant evangelical Christian portion of the industry, which has produced some unintentionally uh . . . results:

Hang on to your eyes, and go Super Eagles!

Next up from Group C: Slovenia

Meet the Teams: Uruguay

2010-01-19T10:07:00.000-08:00

This is my first team profile. Here's what to expect:

-Pre-emptory Tomfoolery

-Political History

-Culinary Assets

-Sporting Preview

-Recent Cultural Contribution

Any on-field analysis will be kept to a bare minimum.

First up, from Group A: Uruguay

Pre-Emptory Tomfoolery

Uruguay will likely be the favorite in Group A for two sub-sets of the world's population: (1) Uruguayans; (2) American males age 13-29 accidentally tuning in to Uruguay's matches expecting to see "World's Strongest Man":

"Oh brah, I'm so gonna crush my deadlifts after we watch this."

"You won't crush shit, you homo. You R drinkin' Heinekien! Hey, what's this gay shit?"

"I dunno brah, looks like soccer."

"Who's playin'?"

"Uruguay and Mexico!"

/contemplative silence as all the bros watch the beautiful game for a few moments:

Then:

"LOL Dude, Uruguay looks like U R Gay!!"

"No brah, even better: Hey U! R U Gay? You are if you play for Uru-gay!!!"

"HARF HARF HARF"

"Change that shit to MTV, check to see if Jersey Shore is on."

"Aiight."

Political History

Perhaps due to the potential for rapid word-play with its name, in 2007 Uruguay became the first South American country to legalize same sex civil unions.* Uruguay is the second smallest country in South America with one of the region's most stable economies and governments. Which is sort of like saying "Uruguay is one of the brightest students in remedial math." Actually, they're doing fine, and have the 47th highest standard of living in the world. After gaining independence from Spain, Brazil, and Argentina in a military Royal Rumble reffered to as the "Guerra Grande" (Razor Ramon was eliminated by a flying Uruguayan Drop-Kick) a large number of Spanish and Italian immigrants came to the country. Current estimates put the percentage of the population tracing their roots to Europe at around 80%.

*Not at all due to its name.

Culinary Assets

Uruguay has earned a reputation for fantastic Asado:

Yes please, four of those.

I think we can all agree that Uruguay's elevation of barbecue to art-form status is a Culinary Asset. Also, they are big on Dulce de Lece which, literally translated, means "Caramel Crack".

Sporting Preview

Group A opponents: France (6/11), RSA (6/16), Mexico (6/22).

Nicknames: La Celeste ("The sky blues") and Los Charrúas ("The indigenous people of Uruguay"). I know which one I'm using.

Uruguay hosted and won the first ever world cup, in 1930. They won again in 1950. Two wins puts them in pretty rarefied air, but Uruguay's dominance was of a sport that doesn't much resemble the game played today. To put it another way, if Uruguay was an NCAA football team, they'd be Army.

Nevertheless, for a nation of only 3.3 million (500k less than Los Angeles) to even make the big dance out of the extremely competitive Conembol confederation is impressive in this day and age. Uruguay finished fifth in Conembol and had to beat Costa Rica of the Concacaf Confederation, in a home and away play-in series to earn their spot. Barring a surprising upset of France, or a classic home-cookin' loss to the RSA, to advance they will need to beat Mexico in what will likely be one of the most competitive final group games in the first stage. Of course, with a pair of strikers in Diego Forlan (Atl. Madrid) and Luis Suarez (Ajax) finishing likely won't be a problem. Do they play good defense? I don't know, they make mean barbecue, so they must be patient. That's probably a good sign.

Recent Cultural Contribution

Uruguay has given the world two prominent musicians recently: Jorge Drexler and Natalia Oriero. One seems to be a Latin American Jessica Simpson and the other is an Oscar-winning otolaryngologist who speaks fluent hebrew. You are free to guess which is which and to debate their artistic merits in the comments:

Exhibit A:

Spicy!

Exhibit B:

Thoughtfully composed after watching The Pianist!

So, that's Uruguay.

Next up, from Group B: Nigeria.

Meet the Teams 2-for-1: Argentina and Serbia

2009-12-26T14:08:00.001-08:00

With travel and holidays and all other kinds of frooferah, we here at the Montanan Hooligan World Cup Center have been a little distracted (I mean, someone has to play with that new XBox 360). But we will aim to make up for this with a special Meet the Team dealing with two teams heading in different directions: Argentina and Serbia.

At first glance they don't seem to have much in common: Argentina is a glamorous South American country with a history of revolutionary ideologies, musical innovation and gorgeous scenery. Serbia is partially responsible for the Yugo. But both countries have some talented players, and seem like squads to fear in the World Cup. But who is worthy of your adoration and who's little better than a lump of coal? This chart may help you break it down.

Argentina

Serbia

Whose life is nice?

Whose life is naughty?

Star Players: Which one? There’s Lionel Messi, Carlos Tevez, Maxi Rodriguez, and half a dozen other guys that nerdy football fans go crazy for.

Star Players: Stand out defenders Nemanja Vidic and Branislav Ivanovic won’t win any beauty contests {literally} but they defend very well. Scoring goals...well...

Argentina

Serbia

Coach: Diego Maradona is Guano level crazy. And would vastly prefer to be the star of the team...but he doesn’t actually play for the team...which makes for awkwardness

Coach: Radomir “Raddy” Antic took a squad loaded with talent but empty on consistency and made them a reliable force.

Serbia

Argentina

Legacy: Lots of people stand in awe of Argentina, but their two titles came almost twenty-five years ago. Since then, it’s been a little early success and lot of later let downs.

Legacy: They were supposed to shock the world in 2006--but stank instead. Then they couldn’t find a soul to call them contenders--and won. Now they are once again a darkhorse....maybe.

Argentina

Serbia

Contribution to the ranks of sketchy world leaders: Juan Peron--I could claim that this spot belongs to Che, but c’mon...once you’re on a t-shirt the revolution’s over. Peron, meanwhile trampled free speech, protected Nazi war criminals and helped pave the way for a Madonna musical...ass.

Contribution to the ranks of sketchy world leaders: Slobadon Milosevic [“Slobby” to his friends--not that he had any] arguably the biggest whackjob of the late 90s (only competition is Saddam and an aging Castro...but still) xenophobic nationalism, polticial opportunism and the magic words: Ethnic cleansing--CREEPY!!!

Serbia

Argentina

Team Nickname: “White and Sky Blue”--I’m sorry, I didn’t know this was the world cup of interior design

Team Nickname: “The White Eagles”--Not sure whether it refers to the bird, Quarterbacks like Ron Jaworski or the musicians who play with Don Henley--anyway you slice it though, more bad ass than “white and sky blue”

Serbia

Argentina

Draw: Argentina has a low profile group of teams devoid of star opponents. South Korea, Nigeria and Greece don’t instill fear in the hearts of many--and definitely not in Argentina.

Draw: Serbia has the Group of Death’s younger brother, with 2006 knock out participants Germany, Ghana and Australia. Not pleasant. Not pleasant at all.

Argentina

Serbia

In the end the best case scenario for both teams are very very different. If everything goes according to plan for Argentina: the group stage is a cake walk and their momentum and sterling play carries them all the way to a Cup title. If everything goes to plan for Serbia: they can lock down Ghana and Australia, sneak in to round two, surprise England and arrive at the quarterfinals as the darlings of the tournament.

If you're a bit more cynical, you might expect Serbia to once again collapse in a pile of ineffective goo. Even worse? If Argentina demonstrates a hint of overconfidence and struggles as they have throughout the last year (read: if Diego Maradona acts remotely like the Diego Maradona who grabbed his crotched and told everyone in Argentina's media to "suck it and carry on sucking it"), they may be bounced in the group stage--and then get tarred and feathered upon their return home.

Meet the Team: Denmark

2009-12-11T10:48:00.000-08:00

In this special weekly feature we’ll be introducing you to teams around the world, rather than have any kind of rhyme or reason to this we’ll be as hopelessly random in selecting the team we introduce and the way we introduce them.

Today, say “Det” to Denmark (That’s “Hello” in Danish), and to help us understand the team what better way to do it than through an interview with that legendary sports commentator: Hamlet! Prince of Denmark!

BMacK: Hamlet, you’re a legend in your own land, a prince, a scholar, a man for all seasons, and a former striker for Silkeborg IF whose winning goal against Brondby keeper Laertes won your team the Danish Cup. Welcome to the Montanan Hooligan’s World Cup Center

HPoD: “Why look you now, how unworthy a thing you make of me! You would play upon me; you would seem to know my stops; you would pluck out the heart of my mystery; you would sound me from my lowest note to the top of my compass”

BMacK: I’m sorry Hamlet, I thought I was giving you an adequate introduction, I-uhh...

HPoD: “Go, Go you question with a wicked tongue”

BMacK: Well...uh, okay, I guess the first real question is what lessons should we take from the Danish qualifying campaign. They finished at the top of their group and picked up a spot over traditional powers Sweden and Portugal with big wins in Lisbon and Solna. By all accounts that was embarrassing for the Portugese.

HPoD: “Their defeat does by their own insinuation grow./Tis dangerous when the baser nature comes/Between the pass and fell incensed points/Of mighty opposites.”

BMacK: Are you saying that Portugal is base and vile Hamlet?

HPoD: “I should have fatted all the region kites/With this slave’s offal. Bloody bawdy villain!/Remorseless, treacherous, lecherous, kindless villain!”

BMacK: Ooookay...well, let’s shift gears and talk about Morten Olsen, manager of the Danish national team and the longest tenured coach in the World Cup. He has been instrumental in building up the team and they’re even called Olsen’s Gang in the press. Hamlet, what is Olsen like

HPoD: “The king doth wake to-night and takes his rouse,/Keeps wassail, and the swagg’ring uprising reels,/And, as he drains his draughts of Rhenish down, the kettledrum and trumpet thus bray out”

BMacK: Really? I have a hard time believing that Olsen’s a hell raiser, but you’re the Prince. So I’ll buy it. Can you describe the Danish style of play?

HPoD: “The play’s the thing wherein I’ll catch the conscience of the king!”

BMacK: What the hell does that mean?

HPoD: “Denmark’s a prison...in which there are many confines, wards and dungeons, Denmark being one o’ th’ worst”

BMacK: Oh you must be talking about the recent shift in Denmark’s play from a more aggressive, 4-3-3 (4 defenders, 3 midfielders, 3-strikers) to a more defensive styled 4-4-2, or even 4-5-1.

HPoD: “Sir, I lack advancement”

BMacK: I don’t know about that Hamlet, sure they’re aging, but you have John Dahl Thomasson and Dennis Rommedahl up top. They both have some skills. and seem to be nurturing younger players like the up and coming Arsenal 21 year old Niklas Bendter. But alright then, thinking about the defense, who do you think is the star of the team?

HPoD: “Angels and ministers of grace defend us!”

BMacK: So you’re a fan of Daniel “Angel” Agger (of Liverpool) and Michael “Minster of Grace” Gravgaard (of Nantes)?

HPoD: “These tedious fools”

BMacK: Sorry, it’s just a little hard to follow with you talking all crazy.

HPoD: “I am but mad north-north-west. When the wind is southerly I know a hawk from a handsaw.”

BMacK: Oh, well since you put it that way...do you have anything else to say about the stars Hammy?

HPoD: “There be players that I have seen play, and heard others praise, and that highly, that...have so strutted and bellowed that I have thought some of Nature’s journeymen had made men, and not made them well, they imitated humanity so abominably.”

BMacK: Agreed, Christiano Ronaldo’s a tool. Okay, Hamlet, on to the draw, Denmark drew a tough group with the Dutch, the Japanese and Cameroon, what do you make of many claims that Danish Dynamite may not get through the first round at this cup?

HPoD: “Slanders, sir; for the satirical rogue says here that old men have grey birds; that their faces are wrinkled; their eyes purging thick amber and plum tree gum; and that they have plentiful lack of wit.”

BMacK: I agree, they aren’t the sexiest team, but the Danish are a great sleeper team.

HPoD: “To sleep, perchance to dream”

BMacK: Beautifully put Hammy, a close game against the Dutch could give them a mountain of confidence in the last matches against talented but inconsistent Japan and Cameroon, that can get them into the second round, and an over confident Italian squad may be ripe for the pickings sending the Danes to the quarterfinals.

HPoD: “Why, right! You are in the right!/And so, without more circumstance at all,/I hold it fit that we shake hands and part;/You, as your business and desires shall point you,/For every man hath business and desire,/Such as it is; and for my own poor part, Look you, I’ll go pray”

BMacK: While Hamlet prays for the best case scenario, I’ll sign off. For MacKenzie Low Budget Sports and the Montana Hooligan World Cup Center, I’m Ben MacKenzie.

Oliver Reed would be an unkillable zombie.

2009-12-07T06:45:00.001-08:00

Just read the obit:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/obituaries/celebrity-obituaries/5208355/Oliver-Reed.html

The man was a modern viking.

Plus he was in Condorman as the bad guy, that's him on the walkie-talkie, probably calling out the Prognoviach.

Why yes, this is the best movie ever made. Why do you ask? Isn't it obvious?

So while Fela Kuti was also badass, and his zombie spawn with Charlize Theron would be redoubtable, nobody kills* un-dead Oliver Reed but un-dead Oliver Reed thank you very much.

What does this all mean for the world cup? Well, of course, Oliver Reed was English and if the English National Team can channel his spirit, we're in trouble. Here's a graphic of what that would look like:

Certain doom.

So, here's to you Oliver Reed, you magnificent bastard. Please keep your spirit out of convenient European spirit channels (sprunnels?), if you do, we promise that when you rise from the grave we'll simply direct you to the nearest pub because your un-dead self will hunger not for brains, this much is certain.

/hat tip to the spicy living series at EDSBS: http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/?s=spicy+living

*Its hard to figure what the verb should be when one terminates a zombie. They are, after all, already dead. So technically one just doesn't kill a zombie, rather one re-kills them. But, kill just sounds better. KILL KILL KILL. Does anyone know if this issue has been addressed definitively?

The World Cup Draw aka a chance to avoid work, talk about Zombies and worry that Joseph Blatter's looking for love in all the wrong places

2009-12-04T15:31:00.000-08:00

Matt: Welcome one and all to the MacKenzie Low Budget Sports World Cup Draw Coverage, occurring simultaneously in Chicago, Illinois; Bowling Green, Ohio and Johannesburg, South Africa. I’m Matt MacKenzie...

Ben: And I’m Ben MacKenzie. We've got about two minutes before the soiree begins (though I don't know how quickly they'll get to the drawing We may need to sit through some cultural dances)

Matt: I've got the Fifa website up and it has a countdown clock to the draw, currently at 51 minutes. So yes, definitely some cultural dances

Ben: In that case we have no choice but to blather incessantly about both Soccer and the pomp and circumstance of what is, basically a glorified lotto draw. (And though we are both at work, we’ll both make time for the truly important things in life: international soccer, laws of probability and Charlize Theron.)

Matt: First question: I'm noticing something on fifa's website, can you describe the four pots?

Ben: The four pots are the four sets of teams which will soon be paired up into eight groups. No two teams from the same pot can face each other, and no two teams from the same confederation can face each other. That means that no African teams will face South Africa in the first round, nor will teams from South America have to play Brazil or Argentina in the first round.

Matt: And also that the best teams will only play one another in the more thrilling knock out stage, rather than the grueling group stage. But has this always been what they do?

Ben: I think for the last 4 or 5 tournaments. This is all part of an effort to give each confederation the opportunity to advance more of their confederation members. Our event tonight is being hosted by an attractive woman with a dress that looks like a leopard print tinged with teal and feather earrings, but before she goes to far we have an address from Nelson Mandela. [Awed silence as ...inspiration washes over us...until Matt has a sudden realization]

Matt: INVICTUS isn't about soccer. This has to piss off Clint Eastwood. You're promoting it wrong, Nelson!!!

Ben: HOW DARE THEY IGNORE WHAT CLINT WANTS!! I bet Nelson doesn't even plug the movie (the nerve of him, one little peace prize and it all goes to his head)

Matt: From now on the Group of Death is any dinner table where Clint Eastwood is sitting.

Ben: Well argued. I want to point out here that an important factor to note throughout the draw process is which group a team goes into as well as the groups next to them. For those of you who are fans of College Basketball you can think of this like looking ahead in March Madness...sure it’s great if you’re a number 3 seed, but whose the number 2 you’ll be facing later on? Each team will look ahead to consider not only the teams in their group, but the teams they might face in the round of 16, the quarter finals, and the semis in order to even reach the finals

Matt: Right. In the round of 16 and the quarter finals the top two teams in groups A & B are together, as are C & D, E & F, G & H, it’s only at the semi-finals that the best teams from A, B, C & D face off (or E, F, G & H). But we can guarantee that Argentina will play England before the final, they'll set that up right?

Ben: Oh, of course, they always do. (That was the whole reason for the Faulklands war, just to have a reason for more anger during Argentina-England matches)

Ben: WOAH! And we have our first terribly awkward moment of the world cup, as Joseph Blatter just said to our hostess: "It's easy to fall in love in Africa, when I look at you.......hehehe..."

Matt: Joseph Blatter has jungle fever, good thing he has a room named for him at the Mayo Clinic...in urology. HEY-OH!

Ben: NICELY DONE! And the MacKenzie Post Joke Celebrations are starting early.

Matt: So tell me who the favorites are? Spain & Brasil, that's the consesus right?

Ben: Yeah, but I'll go ahead and say that it's got to be Brasil No European team has won the World Cup outside of Europe

Matt: Bah.

Ben: If it's in North America, South America or Asia, it's always been Brazil/Argentina

Matt: double bah, and triple humbug

Ben: Well argued

Matt: That's kind of like the stat that people throw out in the baseball postseason like: The Yankees have never lost a series when up 3-0: different players, different teams, you can’t assume it will hold true.

Ben: That's true, on an unrelated side note, this show is like crack for world music nerds like me, Angelique Kidjo is singing now and if Youssa N'Dour turns up to make this a duet I might pass out from joy.

Matt: I surmised as much. What about Fela Kuti? Is he dead yet?

Ben: Yeah, I think he's actually been dead for a while

Matt: Then it would be super awesome if he showed up. Zombie Fela Kuti would be the baddest Zombie ever. Correction, Zombie Oliver Reed would be badder.

Ben: Of course, zombies make everything better (and in an intriguing side note: Zombie is actually an African word. It referred not only to those raised from the dead by black magic, but collaborators with slave traders) And what’s more one of Fela’s best songs was actually called: Zombie!

Matt: I DID NOT KNOW THAT, thank you Nerd.

Ben: And now Charlize Theron...

Matt: So hot.

Ben: Charlize Theron’s hotness is palpable and it comes from a very special place. Could you telestrate that Matt?

Matt: I can try Ben. Look at this picture of Charlize Theron. Sure there’s a smile, a cheery disposition, and a passion for sports. But there’s also a sense of humor. Don’t forget this woman followed up winning an academy award for playing a serial killer by playing Jason Bateman’s love interest on Arrested Development. Beauty, humor and a fondness for sport. Gentlemen begin your drooling.

Ben: I like that the Fifa World cup draw manages to become a lotto draw with the hottest women in the entire country making the announcements. Also worth noting, is that Theron, during rehearsals yesterday pulled out France's name and said: "Ireland". TAKE THAT THIERRY HENRY!!

Matt: Ha ha ha. Okay Ben, who is your dark horse pick?

Ben: Well, the popular dark horse is Cote D'Ivoire, with the immensely talented Didier Drogba and the Toure brothers. But, as a man whose been there I'll go with Ghana.

Matt: Now, is Ghana a heart pick or is that your real dark horse?

Ben: Mostly the heart, but depending on the draw they can actually make it happen

Matt: Fair enough. I'm pretending that I'm the Predictatron 6000 and am not biased in any way. My dark horse is . . .USA!

Ben: Oh Predictatron 6000 will you ever learn?

Matt: No, I don't really know enough to make any informed opinions. I'm like a babe in the woods here. Like a Blatter at a Sorority sleepover.

Ben: Then you’re just as qualified as 90% of ESPN.

Matt: Now who do you think is due for a run?

Ben: I would say (as everyone says) that England is due. They have the highest quality league in the world and their players are in constant competition with the world's best. They had a stellar qualifying campaign, but they've only made one semi in the past 50 years...I would also very much like the Dutch to win, but they often underperform, and Spain, even though they’re the favorites, they fold faster than a 2-7 off suit. One final note as we’re about ready to begin, (after they finish explaining a draw that’s more complicated than health care legislation) I think that Zombie Charlize Theorn and Zombie Fela Kunti's baby might have be able to kill Zombie Oliver Reed)

Matt: Only if the zombie baby drank four pints an hour.

Ben: He might be able to manage that, I’m sure zombie Charlize would just give the kid some pints o' blood and brains and he's happy.

Matt: So we start by drawing all the names from pot one first, as they’re drawn so shall they be listed from A-H. Interesting. Top half going towards the first semi-final: South Africa, Argentina, England & Germany. In the bottom half: Netherlands, Italy, Brazil and Spain.

Ben: Dang, I step away for a minute and a lot happens, I think that draw plays out nicely for England and Germany with neither South Africa nor Argentina playing their best right now. Without knowing anything else, they have a road with a potentially easy semi match (if they can get there) Meanwhile the two best teams right now (Brazil and Spain) are bound for (at best) a quarterfinal tussle.

Matt: On to the second pot, that includes North America, Asia, Asian wannabe Australia and New Zealand. And right away we’ve got Mexico in A, and South Korea in B. Mexico is a better team than South Africa, not so sure about Korea and Argentina.

Ben: Bad news for Americans the two easier top seeds are gone which means........SHIT! SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!

Matt: Eeesh.

Ben: DAMMIT!!! Well...we drew England, and we get them first and I think we’re bound for another group of death...

Matt: I think you’re too quick to judge. We could still take 2nd depending on the rest of the draw. Plus, England always has so much freaking pressure, maybe we'll pull the upset. But I have to say, I don't like Australia in Group D either, no easy going for Germany yet.

Ben: You're absolutely right, meanwhile Theron just keeps mocking the French guy. Quoth Frenchie to Charlize: "Did you know US played England in 1950, do you remember that?" The look on Theron’s face is just a priceless “WTF, do I look 70 to you?”)

Matt: I'm calling Group E right now as the Group Of Death.

Ben: With Nederlands and Japan? Makes sense, them or C or D. Italy and Brazil get New Zealand and North Korea which leaves Spain with Honduras. Two minnows not likely to scare the last two champs and favorites Spain should handle Honduras.

Matt: Group E is going to get an african heavyweight: Ghana or Cote D'Ivoire. That's predictotron 6000 logic.

Ben: Well done Predictatron. Meanwhile, we head on to Pot 3 the Africans and South Americans, so the fist two African teams drawn will face Argentina and Brazil respectively, while the first South American team to come up gets South Africa. (Thus avoiding the potential continental conflicts). Remember given the right draw Ivory Coast could have a run to the finals in them (so Argentina would be great) But it’s Nigeria with Argentina and...oh man! much harder run for Ivory Coast going through Brazil (possibly twice) and Spain

Matt: Now Algeria joins group C, and Algeria I'll take, meanwhile Group D is looking awfully Scythe toting (Ghana gets it again).

Ben: Agreed, Australia's the class of the Asian Confederation, Germany is always tough, Ghana's hard too, their title as group of Death depends on the other European. Predictatron may still be right since Cameroon isn't bad in Group E.

Matt: Yeah, but D is just looking monsterous, meanwhile Spain essentially has a bye

Ben: I’m not so sure, Chile has actually done well of late and a lot of people think they could be dangerous. We’re through pot 3 and on to the last set of teams to draw, the Europeans in pot 4, led by the dangerous French and Portuguese (as well as Greeks and Danes), these will be drawn A-H, and I still think that Mexico has a semi-descent shot at a surprise run to the semis...OH HELL NO!

Matt: France gets grouped with Mexico.

Ben: I know that Everybody's saying that France will have something to prove

Matt: Slovenia! Ha! we ducked Greece and got Slovenia

Ben: We’ve got a shot, we just need to not hate ourself after that match against England, and stay positive during those last two matches. A draw and a win after England could be enough to put us in the round of 16.

Matt: The problem is that whoever comes out of Group D: at both spots is going to be a beast

Ben: Dammit, you’re right D's gotta be the scythe toter, I think we might want to hope for the Aussies or Ghana, we can catch either of those teams but a tough physical Serbian team....Not our cup of tea

Matt: And Germany?

Ben: Yeah...I don't even want to think about that...disciplined sides that don't make mistakes, not our favorite

Matt: Well, they still have to actually play the games.

Ben: That's true, there's a looong time to come before then

Matt: In the time we’ve been away, the Danes and Slovaks joined groups E and F, and now PORTUGAL!

Ben: G looks pretty deadly Poor North Korea

Matt: Hey baby, at least they get to leave their godforsaken minestrewn country

Ben: I thought Kim Jong-Il was god? (At least in his own mind). Well, that will have to do it for the Montana Hooligans for now. More analysis will be on the way throughout the six months leading up to our first cup including a concerted effort to post one blog a week analyzing each team, their strengths, their weaknesses and some inane form of blather that amuses me. We’ll hear from a host of other bloggers all soon to arrive on our site, and we will always be happy to welcome you all back, but for now I’m Ben MacKenzie

Matt: And I’m Matt MacKenzie and from all of us here at MacKenzie Low Budget Sports goodnight from Ohio, Chicago and South Africa.

Here we go again

2009-11-30T19:48:00.000-08:00

This blog has seen a number of false starts recently, because it can never seem to get enough traction to keep it going for a long time.

As good fortune would have it, now there is traction. 32 teams are booking flights for South Africa, pundits and prognosticators are salivating at the potential match-ups, and Theirry Henry is looking for a rock to crawl under.

While we have a long time before this actually gets going, we will have plenty of things to keep us occupied until then. The draw comes on Friday and we will endeavor to present a detailed reaction to the draw on this blog. The brothers MacKenzie will lead the way with detailed reactions.

BUT! In the spirit of expanding Montana's population rolls we are inducting a wide range of new Montanan's into our Hooligan blatherfest, invitations have gone out to individuals spread far and wide: Africans, Asians, South Americans even (shudder) Europeans now have the name of this blog and because they know one Montanan they can hereby apply for blogger citizenship and proclaim to the world their opinions. (Don't worry, if things get too saucy, the English teacher is here to edit and critique)

We'll have a blog a week on the teams coming down to the cape building up to the kick off, the analysis and the complete and utter pandemonium of World Cup Soccer, so join us again on Friday at one Eastern time in the US, for a recap of the draw and a host of analyses from us:

The Montanan Hooligans

This just in...

2009-06-16T07:42:00.001-07:00

(a day late)

Italy stinks...

That is all

Wait a second....they play soccer...NOW?

2009-06-15T07:08:00.000-07:00

I have to say, I totally forgot about the Confederations Cup...I mean, it just never seemed as important as qualifying or the cup itself. Or perhaps it just seemed that way because the US was never in it. And because we never care about anything that we don't win.

But I have to admit, I have quickly become a fan of Confederations Cup football, it's the world cup on a smaller stage, it gives a little taste of the World Cup, but doesn't exactly have the propensity for drunken Brits falling out of the upper deck--not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but still.

Quick observations

1) South Africa might be the first host nation that doesn't deserve an automatic berth--seriously, that many opportunities and you couldn't score?

2) New Zealand lost--raise your hand if you are surprised---didn't think so.

3) Brazil and Egypt are on right now...and in 14 minutes there have been three goals...what was that people were saying about how dull football was?

4) The trumpets in the stands sound like soggy bees...not exactly a selling point.

5) I have a meeting during the US' match later...fingers crossed, come on boys, lets piss of the Italians again--its' a lot of fun.

Confederation Cup fever! CATCH IT!!

ONE YEAR

2009-06-11T10:36:00.000-07:00

Start the countdown

365 Days

8760 Hours

525,600 Minutes

31,536,000 Seconds...31,535,999...31,535,998

Maybe I'm excited too early, maybe I'm a gigantic dork, maybe you should just shut your pie hole and get pumped up.

31,535,983

HELL YES!

Do The Right Thing, Again

2007-09-26T20:41:00.000-07:00

I was disappointed to find that when I start teaching something my love for it tends to wane.

Of Mice and Men didn't seem as heartwarming once I had to read 30 papers about it's heartwarmingness.

Gratiano in The Merchant of Venice wasn't as caustic once I had to hear daily class debates about how caustic he was.

It's not a complaint about students, just about my failure to elicit complex responses.

So I was worried when I decided to teach film study through Do the Right Thing. I didn't really want to ruin my love of that movie.

Another 30 papers will come in tomorrow with analyses regarding how cinematic devices reflect the philosophies of Malcolm X or Martin Luther King Jr. And I'm loving Do The Right Thing more with each passing class period.

The angles used on Radio Raheem and Da Mayor subtle support the struggle for power by force rather than through mindless oration.

The color coded costuming of the violent Pino in White and the peaceful Vito in Black enhances non-violent philosophies while turning older stereotypes of "wearing the black hat" on it's ear.

The diagetic laughter while the camera zooms in on Italian Wall of Fame pictures enflames the dormant white philosophy of superiority on the black masses.

The five close-ups of hate followed by Senor Love Daddy's close-up tirade for love uses a change in motion to accentuate the merits of action and peaceful action at that for positive social change.

The vague conclusion of Radio Raheem's LOVE V. HATE soliloquy foreshadows the eventual conclusion of the film, but the lighting on each knuckle continues the long running device of Hate in darkness and love in light.

These are all impressively logical interpretations of this film. And they are all developed by 17 year old kids who had never thought about these philosophies or cinematic devices until three weeks ago.

I've never thought of half of these things, and I'm geeking out over the movie even more.

I love my job.

Upsets and Blowouts

2007-09-01T21:28:00.000-07:00

Gunhhhuh? What...uh...I, wait, what?

Why's my beard so long? What's that nasty odor? Why am I writing stream of consciousness on a blog?

Is that the last time this site was updated? July 1st...well...oh, today's the second...oh...of September you say?

Well that would explain the beard and odor at least.

I'm sorry, I just woke up from a two month long nap, and I'm just trying to get readjusted.

I suppose it's worth looking at the news of life in the sporting world since I've been asleep.

Oh, cripes, the Tour De France sucks again.

Oh, well, Barry Bonds did what we all knew he was going to do.

Oh, hell, the Yankees are winning again.

Oh...my...God...Michael Vick does what?!?!?

This is awful, this is disgusting, this whole thing just makes me want to remove ESPN from my favorites and wash my hands of all the cheating, sadistic, multi-millionaires and their petty problems.

Oh...wait...Appalachian State did what?

Really...34-32?

In Ann Arbor?

Hehehehehehehe.

I love sports.

A team that, granted, is probably the Ohio State of Division IAA football, just beat Michigan, which is the Michigan of Division IA football. I know that the Mountaineers are responsible for a great deal of moaning and groaning in Montana, particularly around Missoula where the moans and groans are bested only by the sounds of the String Cheese Incident being blared from dorm rooms day and night.

But still.

Appalachian State beat Michigan.

That's pretty friggin sweet.

And what's this I see? Oh, of course Man U's back in business, and Beckham's injured again, but if you look closely you'll see something far cooler. That Iraq won the Asian Football Cup. That qualifiers for the 2010 World Cup, the one that everyone in the soccer world adn their mom dismissed, have started up and are going swimmingly. Or as swimmingly as they can when it involves Vanuatu and American Samoa (For the record, American Samoa, 15:0? The U.s. finally starts to get it's soccer act together and you lose 15:0 to Tonga? Bush is going to invade you...or he would if he could find you on a map...or if I could find you on a map...I'm sorry American Samoa, you can come back now).

There's something special about this. Not so much the gambling or the steroids or the puppy pulverizing, not even the fact that two countries 99% of the world couldn't find on a map are playing for the right to have the right to play for half of a right to play for a spot in the World Cup. But the fact that far from the glare that most people care about, from the popping flashbulbs that chronicle how Barry's head grows each day, or how Michael's goatee seems flecked with spittle, or how Alex's wife wears her t-shirts, there are people playing because that's what they do. They just play. Not because they have a whole lot of chance to make millions professionally, not because they have any real hope of playing in the most prestigious tournament on the planet, but just because, it's a game, and it's fun.

So here's to you Julian Rauch, you and your wobbly 24 yard kick.

And here's to you Armanti Edwards, you and your 3 Touchdown catches.

And here's to you Corey Lynch, not as cooly named, but just as vital to the field goal blocking glory that is yours.

And here's to you Roy Krishna and your Fijian side that's looking to share half a column with ijay Singh.

And here's to Viliamu Seifiku of Tuvalu, who's 87th minute goal earned the team that isn't even recognized by FIFA a draw with comparative heavyweights Tahiti, more or less knocking the Tahitians and Axel Williams (who, you've got to admit, would probably be cooler to hang out with than Axel Rose: Dissolute 80's hair rocker V.s. Tahitian football player...go with the Tahitian). To you Viliamu! To you for taking the 16:0 drubbing from Roy Krishna and coming back with your side's only goal of qualifying!

I'm going back to sleep for two months...and despite all the inanities that are doubtless to follow, I'll keep coming back to meet the new Julians, Armantis, Coreys Roys and Viliamus Seifikus...hell I'll even come back for the Axels, they're far more worth cheering than the multimillionaires.

They are me.

They are you.

They just play.

And they play well.

...
...
...

Okay, maybe they aren't quite me.

Knock Out

2007-07-01T04:09:00.000-07:00

So, to conclude this whole wonderfully dorky experiment with movies and our views on them, here a few quick things to digest:

1) The highest ranked AFI movie that Brent and I both left off of our list: Gone With the Wind at #6.
Brent's already explained how Titanic is merely our generations version of Gone with The Wind and if, for some reason, that isn't enough for you to agree with leaving it off the list, let me just say that I enjoyed watching Gone with the Wind because my younger brother and I sat eating candy for three hours cheering Sherman and damning Vivien Leigh so loudly that the neighbors complained. Frankly my dear, I really don't give a damn.
(Other popular picks that Brent and I paid no attention to, 2001: A Space Odyssey, It's a Wonderful Life, E.T., Mr. Smith Goes to Washington)

2) The highest ranked movies that Brent I listed that AFI did not were both at numbe 10 on our lists: Brent's Blue Velvet and my Hoop Dreams both missed the cut. I'm not sure why Brent's isn't there, and I'll vent about the absence of Hoop Dreams in a minute.

3) I had 57 movies on the AFI list, Brent had 39 (between us 65). That's actually not something to brag about, I'm just a dork who likes this sort of thing, and you're apparently a dork who reads this sort of thing, so I thought you might be interested...though probably not in dating me any more, right?

4) There are plenty more debates to be had about this kind of thing, and doubtless Brent and I have proven ourselves to have both the time, energy and inclination to waste our lives in pointless banter for our own amusement. The greatest directors? Actors? Actresses? Comedies? There's plenty to bring to the table. The most overrated movie (clearly we're both thinking Gone with the Wind) the most underrated movie (That Dr. Strangelove is our combined number one, and yet rates below a movie I put on at #99 and Brent utterly despises should be a sign), the most overrated underrated movie, the most underrated overrated movie (Ordinary People? Not better than Raging Bull, but not the crap everyone thinks it is), Action movies, date movies, and the kind of movies that let you know: Hey-this-is-a-person-I-should-hang-out-with-more (my sister-in-law's idea).

There's time for all of those, and if we've drastically misjudged our audience, if there are in fact a throng of people out there loving these posts and eager to join the discussion just post a quick comment saying what you want us to argue about and we will argue about it.

But lets start with this.

I cannot, for the life of me, understand why documentaries were not allowed on the AFI list. I've been trying to figure it out for weeks now.

*Is it because it's not as great of a challenge to simply record life and then edit it into a story, but it is a great challenge to meticulously force life to look like what you want it to?

*Is it because actors and actresses in several pounds of make up wearing thousand dollar costumes on elaborate sets, often with the aid of technical assistance tell us more about our lives then we do?

*Is it because there are only a handful of documentarians and their subject can usually step right back into their normal lives without missing a beat but there are thousands of people for whom movies are their lives and they would like to congratulate eachother rather than opening up to the people actually in touch with the real world?

Whatever the case, documentaries are not allowed. And that is a shame. I don't think that Hoop Dreams is the best film ever made, but I think it comes closer than most movies I've seen. Even ths techinical aspects, the editing, the camera angles, the sound effects, they all combine to make three hours pass like three minutes. I love the other movies on my top 10 but why isn't Hoop Dreams even allowed to compete?

I could go on more, about how sports is a great way to view the American experience (witness Raging Bull #1 for Brent, #3 for me, #4 for AFI), or about how the American dream is best demonstrated the people who don't have anything rather than the people who have everything (probably why I root for Arthur and William and want Scarlett and Rose to suffer some brutal torture), but instead I'll pivot this topic to another one that's been bothering me.

Is Michael Moore a talented film maker or a moronic toady who intentionally harasses people into making a profit for himself?

I can't believe I'm asking that question. I'm a Democrat. I'm a liberal. I'm for Universal Health Care, and better public schools, and I'll gladly pay higher taxes to do so. I'm embarassed by the government's allowances for guns, and willingness to go to war, I should agree with Michael Moore, so why is it everytime he comes out with a movie I'm tempted to go write a check to the RNC?

Perhaps it's because of my love of Hoop Dreams. There you have a real story, unedited, unvarnished, unchanged from what happened in real life. The directors became part of the lives of two boys, talked with their parents, heard their pain and eventually helped pay for some of their college tuition.

Michael Moore takes real life, and jams his fat bloated face into every frame, forcing the rest of the people in his little drama to pay attention to him and to emote and react to what he's talking about at any given time. He looks like he cares on film, but you have to ask yourself, who really wants him there?

I shudder during Farenhiet 9/11 when the mother breaks down in tears in front of the White House because I think (perhaps too callously) that Moore kind of wanted that to happen as a means to prove his point, whereas, when William Gates breaks down near the end of Hoop Dreams because he has yet again failed to get his team to the state tournament, the camera stays farther away, not forcing itself into the moment, simply showing him and his family, for no point other than to reflect what matters to people, even if it's as simple as a basketball game.

Or consider Bowling For Columbine when Moore antagonizes Charlton Heston, misleading him at first to believe that he's a good ol' boy with an NRA card, and then holding up a picture of a little girl in an effort to emotionally blackmail the old fuddyduddy. Steve James (one of three directors of Hoop Dreams) is heard only once in the whole movie, asking one of the boys to read him a paper he has written about the life cycle of the butterfly.

I think what makes me maddest about Michael Moore, and most eager to go running to the very people he and I both disagree with, is that he seems to be spurning the good work that other documentarians actually do. He makes oodles of money and gets tons of national press for being selfish, egotistical, callously explotative and atagonistic, while the really good documentaries sit on shelves becuase they show life and leave it at that. Sure, there are exceptions (March of the Penguins, and the smash SuperSize Me most notably) but there's plenty to be celebrated in real life, with real people and film makers who endeavour to show our world to us unvarnished by the glamour of Hollywood, and to ignore them in favor of a man who twists things to his own ends (no matter how much I agree with them) strikes me as foolish.

Any thoughts?

A translation of AFI's posturing

2007-06-29T05:38:00.000-07:00

AFI included the following things as “Interesting Facts” about their list. Here is a Montanan Hooligan Annotated version of those interesting facts

INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT THE LIST

This is the first year that RAGING BULL and VERTIGO have made the top 10. They were ranked #24 and #61 respectively when the original AFI's 100 Years... 100 Movies poll was conducted in 1997.
Translation: We finally figured out that Raging Bull is a hell of a lot better than Gone with the Wind…sorry.

THE GRADUATE and ON THE WATERFRONT both stay on the list, but drop from their 1997 positions in the top 10. They now hold new positions at #17 (THE GRADUATE) and #19 (ON THE WATERFRONT).
Translation: We realized that The Graduate isn’t that good, and that no one born after 1960 has seen On the Waterfront, so we got rid of them, do you like us now?

Out of the 43 newly eligible films released from 1996 to 2006, only THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING (#50), SAVING PRIVATE RYAN (#71), TITANIC (#83) and THE SIXTH SENSE (#89) made the cut.
We only considered major studio blockbuster movies as things that were worthwhile in the last 10 years.

Notice the tit-for tat replacements of some new movies and some of the old ones.
INTOLERANCE (#49)--THE BIRTH OF A NATION (former #44). We figured we had to put something by DW Griffith on the list but didn’t want it to be racist…anymore.
IN THE HEAT OF THE NIGHT (#75),--GUESS WHO'S COMING TO DINNER (former #99). Here’s your Sidney Poitier movie goddamit.
TOY STORY (#99)--FANTASIA (former #58)—Thanks CGI
SAVING PRIVATE RYAN (#71)—ALL QUIET ON THE WESTERN FRONT (former #54)—Thank God we finally have a War movie about soldier’s humanity from our point of view, not the Germans
CABARET (#63)--AN AMERICAN IN PARIS (former #68),& MY FAIR LADY (former #91)—We figured we would get rid of two average musicals in favor of a really bad one.
THE SIXTH SENSE (#89)--FRANKENSTEIN (former #87): Makes sense…replace one movie about bringing the dead back to life, with another movie about the dead never really dying.
TITANIC (#83)--GIANT (former #82): There’s only room for one incredibly slow, desperately dull movie about pretty people experiencing sad things.
BLADE RUNNER (#97)--CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND (former #64). There’s also only room for one incredibly dull science fiction movie that’s pretending to be more important than it actually is.
12 ANGRY MEN (#87)-- THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE (former #67). Gripping portrayals of psychological warfare in black and white without explosions. Yup, only room for one of those too.
DR. ZHIVAGO (former #39), FARGO (former #84), PATTON (former #89), A PLACE IN THE SUN (former #92), AMADEUS (former #53), THE THIRD MAN (former #57), STAGECOACH (former #63)—Russia/Austria/North Dakota/Switzerland aren’t really American, We don’t want to glorify war or people who kill their wives, and uh…Stagecoach is…uh…yeah.

Steven Spielberg is the most represented director with five films: ET, JAWS, RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, SAVING PRIVATE RYAN, SCHINDLER'S LIST. Spielberg was the most represented director on AFI's original list--also with five films. (CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND was replaced by SAVING PRIVATE RYAN as the fifth entry.) Directors Alfred Hitchcock, Stanley Kubrick and Billy Wilder each have four films on the list. Frank Capra, Charles Chaplin, Francis Ford Coppola, John Huston and Martin Scorsese each have three.
Once again we decide to cater to movies that people have actually seen rather than challenging them to watch something that’s actually suspenseful (Hitchcock) or well written (Wilder) or funny (Chaplin), we’ll just let them keep rewatching crap like ET and Jaws.
Three years tie for most represented year, each with four films: 1982 (E.T. THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL, TOOTSIE, BLADE RUNNER, SOPHIE'S CHOICE); 1976 (NETWORK, TAXI DRIVER, ROCKY, ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN); 1969 (BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID, MIDNIGHT COWBOY, EASY RIDER, THE WILD BUNCH).
1969 had good movies, 1976 had great movies, and 1982 had a bunch of movies that people still watch….DAMN YOU REGAN!!

Four silent films are featured on the list--and three are new additions: THE GENERAL ((#17), INTOLERANCE (#49) and SUNRISE (#82). MODERN TIMES rounds out the list as the fourth entry, moving up three places to #78.
I’m sorry…what are they counting as sound in City Lights? And the Gold Rush?

SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS (#34) and TOY STORY (#99) represent the two animated films on the list. Unless you count CGI, or the countless hours it took to animate Brando’s bloated body in Apocolypse Now

The Fabulous 45, Forgotten 15 and Fuh...Fuh..oh just 40 more movies

2007-06-29T05:33:00.000-07:00

So, the list is out there now, 100 movies chosen by “experts” in the field. Of course as anyone who has read Freakonomics will tell you (and I think I might be the last one) “experts” don’t know a damn thing.

Conveniently you have two total idiots on this web page devoted to giving you completely idiotic pieces of information. I’ll rip on AFI’s list in more time, but right now I thought you might enjoy seeing how the combined top 100 boils down for the two Montanans brave enough to throw it all on the line.

Brent and I listed the same movie 45 times, then found 15 more that we just plumb forgot to include until we saw the other one put it on his list, the final 40 are just the highest ranked movies that either one of us thinks isn’t that great but the other loves, or that one of us loves and the other hasn’t seen. Here now the Montana Hooligans Film Institute (Patent Pending) Top 100 Films of all time

1 Strangelove
2 Raging Bull
3 The Godfather
4 The Godfather II
5 Sunset Blvd
6 Citizen Kane
7 Do the Right Thing
8 Rear Window
9 Annie Hall
10 Hoop Dreams
11 Pulp Fiction
12 North by Northwest
13 On the Waterfront
14 Manhattan
15 The English Patient
16 The Gold Rush
17 Network
18 Singin' in the Rain
19 Casablanca
20 Lawrence of Arabia
21 Silence of the Lambs
22 Fargo
23 Malcolm X
24 The Apartment
25 Brokeback Mountain
26 It Happened One Night
27 Shakespeare in Love
28 Modern Times
29 Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
30 Schindler's List
31 The Manchurian Candidate
32 In the Company of Men
33 Spinal Tap
34 The Great Escape
35 Goldfinger
36 Taxi Driver
37 Sense & Sensibility
38 Waiting for Guffman
39 The Graduate
40 Ben-Hur
41 Streetcar Named Desire
42 City Lights
43 Saving Private Ryan
44 The Kid
45 Platoon
46 Young Frankenstein
47 A Shot in the Dark
48 Before Sunset
49 Before Sunrise
50 A River Runs Through It
51 The Great Dictator
52 Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
53 Twelve Angry Men
54 Lilies of the Field
56 Swingers
57 Hoosiers
58 Chasing Amy
59Doctor Zhivago
60 Clerks
61 King Kong
62 Blue Velvet
63 Airplane!
64 Kramer vs. Kramer
65 All About Eve
66 Sideways
67 The Night of the Hunter
68 My Dinner with Andre
69 Blazing Saddles
70 Million Dollar Baby
71 Apocalypse Now
72 The Sting
73 Patton
74 To Kill A Mockingbird
75 High Noon
76 The Shining
77 Philadelphia
78 Nashville
79 The Squid and the Whale
80 The Lion in Winter
81 Crimes and Misdemeanors
82 The Third Man
83 West Side Story
84 The Man Who Knew Too Much
85 The Searchers
86 Drugstore Cowboy
87 Traffic
88 Wizard of Oz
89 Kill Bill
90 Psycho
91 The Ice Storm
92 The Incredibles
93 Being John Malkovich
94 Hannah and Her Sisters
95 M*A*S*H
96 The Princess Bride
97 Betrayal
98 Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
99 A Clockwork Orange
100 Double Indemnity

Stuff

2007-06-22T07:30:00.000-07:00

Stuff

2007-06-13T08:42:00.002-07:00

The Best Movie Ever, Or: How I Learned to Laugh at Nuclear Holocausts, Shudder at My Laughter and Laugh at My Shuddering

2007-06-10T22:23:00.000-07:00

I was supposed to wait for Brent, I know. But I'm also supposed to leave for Mumbai in 20 hours, and when I'll next have a computer and internet access, I do not know. So, here it is. My number 1.

************************************************************************************

I’d heard of Dr. Strangelove before. It was funny. Hilarious even. So, when I was a junior in high school and ready to have a guys night, I agreed with my two buddies (one of whom is co-writing this blog with me, the other of whom is engaged or married to my co-writers ex-girlfriend) that we should watch this movie.

I didn’t last long though.

They were refueling a plane. Then there was a woman in a bikini, and I remember liking that. Then we started talking about something and lost all track of the movie. War room, what? Did they just say that guy’s name was Turgetson? What’s a British guy doing in this movie?

In short, Dr. Strangelove did not grab me at first as a contender for the title best movie ever. And, truth be told, I can’t really remember the second time I ever saw it.

But I do remember watching it again and laughing to myself. And then watching it again. And again. And again. And suddenly it dawned on me: “this is everything I love about movies, and nothing I hate.”

There is no overwrought sentimentality. There is no hackneyed dialogue. There are no unnecessary shots of explosions or breasts or any of the kind of things that executives seem to assume we want.

There is a reflection of human behavior. Fear. Hatred. Malice. Love. Lust. Ego. Pride. All included for the purpose of making the situation—as absurd as it is—as real as it can be.

There is, simultaneously, witty banter (“Shoot…a guy good have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all this stuff”) and smiple, honest, awkwardness of language (“one of our pilots went a little funny in the head…oh, you know…just, a little funny.”)

There are explosions because that’s what the movies about, not glamorous, not slow motion, not “wicked cool” but total and utter annihilation.

There are breasts because it’s part of what leads to natural human behavior.

From the first shot, the audience has to acknowledge a different and divergent tone from almost anything they’ve seen before. Planes, mid-flight being refueled. Nothing particularly remarkable, Kubrick actually took it all from long ignored stock footage. And to have it all set against soft, subtle, almost tinkling melodies sets up a monstrous punch-line.

The cast, though limited in many ways to important men in ties or medals, manages to carry through a sense of humanity and personal connection to the audience in the three leads: Slim Pickens, George C. Scott, and Peter Sellars.

I’m as surprised as anyone that Slim Pickens has been in more movies on my list than Spencer Tracy, and I’ve already mentioned how brilliant George C. Scott is, so let me say this about Peter Sellars.

For every two bit, fart joke comedy that you see in the theaters this year, there is a Peter Sellars role that out strips it by a mile. For every lame innuendo and crass characterization, there is a Peter Sellars gag that will knock you out. And suddenly, in this movie, the jokes and easy humor and natural bumbling charm that are so palpable in the Pink Panther movies give way to a series of characters simultaneously absurd and familiar.

Any time I have to deal with a frustrating bureaucrat (which in India is more often than you’d think) I nearly say: “listen, colonel Bat Guano, if that is your real name.” Any time I feel awkward on the phone I nearly say: “Of course I like to talk to you Dimitri. This is just a call to say hello.” Any time my boss is fishing for an idea, I nearly say “mine fuehrer! I have a plan!” Sellars captures all of this in a mere line here, or a line there, in a cocked eyebrow or a nervous shifting of his weight.

And when it all comes to an end, with the iconic image of Slim Pickens riding the bomb to oblivion, and George C. Scott railing about “the mine shaft gap!” you’re left not really laughing so much as smiling, sighing and thinking to yourself: “damn, how close was that to really happening?”

It’s not just the 60’s and the red phone and fingers on switches. It’s today and orange alerts and…well…fingers on switches. It’s not just a thing to laugh at because it’s ridiculous, it’s a thing to laugh at because, if you don’t, you may become ridiculously involved in the fear and forget to laugh.
It’s not just a movie of it’s time, or a movie of it’s place, but it’s something that people can feel at any time, in any cultural context. And it’s a movie that can always, make you laugh.

Stuff

2007-06-09T21:07:00.000-07:00

#31-2: Tom, Tap and Tuetonic Titwillows; Fronk-en-shteen, Frued and Flava Flav; Rage, Rain and Rosebud

2007-06-08T23:09:00.000-07:00

30 Philadelphia—It’s less about AIDS and more of an exploration in prejudice. It’s got more to it’s core than Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner? And a fuller cast than Lilies of the Field (which I, like Brent, adore). What’s more it has the modern Poitier (Washington) the modern Tracy (Hanks) and the friggin’ man: Jason Robards.

29 Schindler’s List—What sets this move apart from other World War II chronicles is the simplicity of it all. Spielberg is great at showing the immediacy and humanity of one of the most hellish blots on the soul of man kind. The little slap of the red dress amidst all the dismal black and white make it even more real than you can imagine.

28 Spinal Tap—I know it’s only rock and roll but I like it. Brent goes for A Mighty Wind but the nueftet and the rest of the folkies have in numbers the rockers more than make up for in depth (as well as volume and punctuality). As this is the first real major mockumentary it gets some extra points for innovation.

27 High Noon—Unlike Brent, I love a good Western, especially when it has a flawed hero that turns the traditional idolatry of Hollywood into the blunt Western “I’m-great-yeah-but-I’m-also-kind-of-messed-up,-so-don’t-get-all-teary-on-me.” When the hero’s flaw is that he’s a work-a-holic, it makes it all the more accessible. And the clever, real time shooting of the movie (1 hour, 40 minutes from start to showdown) make it even more enjoyable

26 To Kill A Mockingbird—Of all the classic books transferred onto film, this one actually becomes a classic in it’s own right. Every student who reads it starts to wonder what kind of man Atticus Finch is and Gregory Peck embodies the soul of one of literature’s finest heroes. (He probably shouldn’t have beaten out Peter O’Toole for the best actor Oscar…but it’s a little late for that).

25 Patton—When a liberal, anti-war proponent like me is captivated and entranced by modern warfare and a modern warrior you know you’ve got something powerful. George C. Scott’s compulsive passion is a rarity in a biopic, neither idolizing nor knocking down the man, simply showing his humanity and leaving it to the audience to decide.

24 The Sting—Quite simply the gold standard for caper flicks (the Ocean’s 11 franchise still hasn’t snuck past it, despite the gltiz). The charm and poise of Newman and Redford with a gamut of twists so surprising that you never know what’s to be believed and what’s just deceiving you.

23 Million Dollar Baby—My vote for the best Eastwood movie in recent times, and far and away a better Boxing movie than any Rocky (which will somehow sneak on to AFI’s list again). It’s a study of the sport that actually explains why you do somethings and how training really works, and does more with the depth of an average boxer’s life (rub-down-whores and all) and the family you find doing what you love

22 Blazing Saddles—Silly and sophomoric at times, but by and large a supremely witty spoof on the Western (more on satire that starts Brent’s beloved Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright later). Brooks’ manic energy flows through the movie and the twittering Madeline Khan (and perhaps the funniest song ever on film) and cackling Harvey Korman (“That’s Hedley”) culminating in the ironic limo into the sunset; a perfect ending for a modern Western.

21 On the Waterfront—Everyone has heard the line, “I coulda been somebody. I coulda been a contender, instead of a bum, which is what I am.” But few people actually know the context any more. But seeing Brando’s broken down palooka facing his brother makes an otherwise good drama (with a great supporting cast in Lee J. Cobb and Karl Malden) great.

20 Pulp Fiction—Uber-violent, uber-witty, uber-hip. Sometimes it feels like it’s almost too much, to surprising, to daring to be as good as it is. But the trio of excellent stories and charming ne’er-do-wells beautifully balances love and business, friendship and distrust, compassion and violence. Leaving you with as complete an exploration of the human side of the world’s seedy underbelly as you’ll ever see.

19 Annie Hall—Sweetness personified in Alvy Singer’s romance and loss in the Woody Allen film. It has some of the best moments in comedy, including flopping lobsters, out of body sexual experiences and trying to do cocaine with a cold. The love story is fun, but not half as fun and familiar as the longing.

18 Shakespeare in Love—Love and a bit with a dog, oh and brilliant Tom Stoppard dialogue, a cast that doesn’t have a weak link (which, when your cast includes Ben Affleck, is saying something) and a twist on old tales that turn your average Shakespeare class into a suddenly shocking discovery that he’s a man…who liked sex…a lot.

17 The Manchurian Candidate—The kind of thriller that leaves with a twist so remarkably heartbreaking that you forget how long it took you to get there. Forget the modern remake, it’s the brilliance of the original and the hilarity of the garden party scenes that leave you chilled to the bone and curious to examine the motivation of heroes.

16 Do the Right Thing—Spike’s finest hour. Flowing cinematography, fully incorporated music into a movie world (“Fight the Power” is this movie), a host of entertaining and captivating characters, Ossie Davis and Ruby Dee in all their glory and an ending at once infuriating and frighteningly fair.

15 All About Eve—Manipulations, conniving, backstage back stabbing deceit. The kind of movie every actor loves. It’s less real than Guffman. But for sheer shock in terms of character development, writing and acting, it takes the cake.

14 North by Northwest—Adventure and intrigue set against a middle American backdrop. (Ask yourself, how often do you get a plane chase, gun fire, and explosions in a corn field?) I showed it to my 11th grade class yesterday and even without an introduction, even without any sense of Hitchcock, they were enthralled by the story, the script and the mystery of it all.

13 Fargo—It’s about so much more than the accent (though, for the record, the accents are pretty great). It’s that layer of Minnesota nice that permeates the movie, haunting the screen, the dinner tables, the hookers, the sheriffs. All this and two brilliant performances from Frances McDormand (a sublimely real modern heroine) and William H. Macy (the ultimate in sniveling villainy) help everyone in middle America know, big city crime isn’t as far away as you might think.

12 Young Frankenstein—Arguably the funniest, pure comedy ever. The gags come one after the other after the other, advancing the plot but barely giving you a moment to breathe. Like Blazing Saddles and Shaun of the Dead (I’ve not yet seen Hot Fuzz) it satirizes better than anything else because it actually loves the subject of its mockery. It doesn’t giggle at something that happened five minutes ago, it builds off of the brilliant work someone’s already done (in this case using the same set as Frank Whale’s classic.

11 Rear Window—The most gripping of all of Hitchcock’s movies because we, like Jimmy Stewart, are forced to watch, inert and incapable of changing the situation, but at the same time loving every minute of amateur sleuthing.

10 Hoop Dreams—Michael Moore has a career because this movie made documentaries money makers. But don't hold that against it. It made money and a point with much more class than Moore could ever hope to have. This is America. It’s not gun crazy, or morally deprived. It’s not charmingly intelligent or morbidly obese. It obsesses over things that don’t matter much, but aware of what can be better and what we can do to improve. I find something new to love every time I watch it, and no movie, none, holds me for three hours like this one does.

9 The Apartment—It’s a good comedy, yes, but it’s an even better commentary on sexual and business politics. It manages to captivate and entrance you through all of the witty Billy Wilder banter. Add to that a stellar cast (including the: never watch "My 3 Sons" again Fred McMurry) and a pitch-perfect performance by Jack Lemmon and you have an excellent movie.

8 Singin’ in the Rain—The ultimate in love letters to Hollywood, and the pinnacle of musicals in America. It has a great romance and remarkably catch songs, but more than that it has the archetype romantic comedy best body, and the funniest villainess on film. It’s hard living in India during Monsoon and not singing and softshoeing non-stop. Fortunately there are no walls to try and run up.

7 Citizen Kane—There’s a reason it’s at or near the top of every list in Christendom. It’s a great exercise in cinematography, and story telling as it chronicles the rise and fall of a man and more importantly the man’s ideals. Welles is superb, possessive, maniacal and sincerely committed to doing what he thinks is right.

6 Network—“I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it any more!” This is the movie that seems to always fade away in discussions of the best-of-the year (it lost to Rocky for God’s sake), or best-of-the-decade, or best-of-all-time. But it deserves to be here.It’s a brilliant cultural critique, and boasts great characters and a brilliant script that captures the lost “TV” generation in Faye Dunawaye’s beautiful, but dead, eyes.

5 Sunset Blvd.—Speaking of William Holden’s love interests, here his creepy (in the most captivating sense of the word) lover is Gloria Swanson who turns him into the most unlikely and unwilling gigolo. Swanson is a superb counterbalance to Holden’s passive acceptance of his role, careening wildly, she doesn’t really need Wilder’s script, after, all as she says: “we had faces!”

4 The Godfather II—It has more depth than the original, in terms of family history and a brilliant portrayal of the immigrant story (the coupling of DeNiro and Pacino as fathers lost in a world they didn’t create but must survive in, is especially moving). And though it adds a little too much to maintain the first film’s astounding focus, but it still holds the audience beautifully.

3 Raging Bull—The beauty of Scorcese’s best work is simply astounding. Gorgeous cinematography, beautiful black and white shots of home, love, and violence all set to the stirring strings of subtle melodies. And DeNiro’s humanity, so perfectly palpable on the screen, could be translated to the life story of anyone, it just happens to be LaMotta’s.

2 The Godfather—Quite simply great, and without any need to explain why. It’s a robust and fully developed family drama, leaving no doubt as to why modern writers and movie makers allude to it more often than Shakespeare and the Bible. Everyone has a moment that they suddenly realize how powerful it is. For me, it was watching James Caan get shot at the toll booth while my brother walked by, saw my mouth gaping and said: “told you so.”

Stuff

2007-06-05T14:34:00.000-07:00

A reprieve from films: Barry "U.s." Bonds

2007-06-05T03:30:00.000-07:00

I'm flattered that Brent, the inimitable scholar and gentleman that he is still values my baseball opinion so highly. Clearly, working for the Great Falls White Sox for three months and directing Kenny Williams (architect of a franchise's first World Series title in 80 some years) to the ballpark is good for something.

So. Barry.

I like Barry.

I always liked Barry.

I am still sure that he threw out Sid Bream at home in 1991, and that Andy Van Slyke and Doug Drabek are more to blame for the Pirates losses than Barry is. (Okay, not really, but you get my meaning...and if you don't pretend that you do.)

As Barry scales the mountain towards Hammerin' Hank, I--like every baseball fan--have some mixed feelings. Brent gave you the figures (near .300 average, 8 Gold Gloves, 6 MVPs, the only man ever to hit 500 homeruns and steal 500 bases). He's right, Barry's awesome. He's incredibly talented. A gift from the Gods, a newer Mantle, or Mays, but he's forgotten. So what about Brent's questions, allow me to answer them as though they were my final exam (only with more fluency than my students use on their final exams.

1) Why do we hear so much talk about Federer as the best all-time tennis player and so little about Bonds as the best all-time baseball player?
First, I think this is a tad untrue. A few years ago, everyone was talking about Bonds as the best all-time baseball player. Until the whispers about his muscles and head and backne became chatter, became tirades, became fodder for every news organization in the known universe (The Onion has two pieces in the last month on his chase).
But there is precedent. In 1999, when they named the all-century team, the voters in America gave a spot to Ken Griffey Jr. and not to Bonds. Bonds wasn't even close (456,000 votes behind Pete Rose for the final spot, and 13,000 behind Ricky Henderson). Yes, it was a meaningless promo for Mastercard, but still, you have to figure, a game as beloved as Baseball as universally acknowledged, for all its faults and foibles as the American game (much to Football's--dominant as it is--chagrin). So we laud the players we want to laud and lose the rest. When, as Brent pointed out, a player is: " a churlish player on whose grave many beat writers will gladly dance." Griffey smiles. Barry sulks. Jeter's got charm. Barry's got his hand in your face.
So we don't really talk about him as the greatest player of all time, because we really don't want him to be that. We want someone charming and graceful, good with kids and helpful in the community. This is why Roger Maris was loathed during the Home Run battle in '61. This is why Pete Rose was beloved while going after Ty Cobb (a man, unlikable in his own right). It's not spite, it's just denile.

2nd) Where does Bond rank among the greats?
Well, the numbers are compelling. In addition to the history making 40-40 club, and 500-500 club, he'll top Aaron (probably finishing around 770, before knee injuries force him to stop) and though his average will sink a little more (probably around .297-.298, still awfully high for a power hitter) and he has no chance to win a World Series this year. (Though, for the record, the last two trips to the post season he was awfully good, crushing 6 homers against the Marlins in '03, and carrying the Giants to 7 outs from a Series title in '02), he will finish with
That's damn good. In terms of numbers he tops most every player in the game's history. Cobb doesn't have the power. Ruth and Aaron didn't have the speed, and has a better slugging and On Base Percentage than Mays. Williams, DiMaggio, Mantle, the vastly underrated Frank Robinson, and Yogi Berra: great, but really not the same.
Every player has a failing, Williams wasn't a great fielder either, Aaron and Cobb never won titles, and Ruth and Aaron were every bit the offensive hangers on that Barry has become (Aaron actually was a DH in Milwaukee). So all the critiques of Barry really don't stick.
If you notice I've been dancing around the issue of where he actually does rank though. He has ranked ahead of everyone else (as recently as 2002/2003...but Pujols was gaining pretty quick by then...like a young Inigo Montoya ready to challenge the 6 Fingered (or 6 ringed man) again).
I'd say Barry is great. One of the best. The steroids tarnish that. As does the American obsession with "winning the big one," and the general loathing that comes out of most of America about the man. He's not the best. Mays is the best player of all time. Cobb would actually be my vote for a close second followed by Aaron. Ruth, for all his greatness, isn't much more than 4th for me, and to be honest I'd be willing to put Barry above him based on pre-73 numbers.
Those are the 5. For a while.
Until A-Rod's hits 800 with Pujols hot on his heels. Then we have another conversation to deal with.

Stuff

2007-06-04T12:06:00.000-07:00

Stuff

2007-06-04T07:46:00.000-07:00

A Special Double Post: #50-31: Malcolm, McQueen, Mockumentaries, a Modern Mephistopholese, and Many ways to Make Brent Mad

2007-06-03T23:11:00.001-07:00

I'm stepping up my production of these posts, because the AFI list comes out on the 20th of June, and because I'm going to Mumbai and Greece and don't know how often I'll be able to do this. So here's 20 more movies on my list. Most of which are too low for Brent (but I have to make room for Rocky's II-IV somewhere)

50 Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers—I am not one of those who thinks that the Lord of the Rings trilogy is the new Godfather. Then, why, you may ask, have I put one of the three above things like Taxi Driver and Ben-Hur? One simple reason my friend(s): the marriage of technology and classic film performances. Forget the hobbits, forget the sword fights and Orlando Bloom’s flowing silver hair. Focus on Andy Serkis, giving a performance as Gollum that is to modern audiences what Karloff in Frankenstein was to audiences in the 30s. Soulful, full body acting, using technology not as eye candy for fan boys, but as a way to make the story and the character come alive.

49 Lawrence of Arabia—If he was any prettier he would have been “Florence of Arabia.” If he was any better on screen…well…uh…there’s really no where to go in that sentence is there. He’s Peter O’Toole and he is the bomb, the desert commanding, camel riding, bomb. True, it’s long, really long, and (like Lean’s Doctor Zhivago before it) seems to present the simple truth that barren landscapes can be pretty, but life in them really sucks, but whenever you reach the point of, boredom, O’Toole turns up to keep you in your seat.

48 Psycho—This is probably going to engender one of those furious Brent postings. It’s not that Psycho’s bad. In fact it’s quite good. It’s just not everything that people build it up to be. If you go in expecting to be scared out of your wits, you’re going to yawn, especially given that so many people talk about it that unless you live in a cave you already know the shower scene is coming. It’s not a grand experiment or exploration of fear, it’s just a surprising, stunning, shocker. Alarming, but not incredible.

47 Wizard of Oz—I recently re-watched this with some friends of mine, and, between the shouts of “SHUT UP LION, I HATE YOU!!” I remembered what it is that makes this movie beloved: tradition. It’s really not that incredible, the songs aren’t so much catchy as they are part of the lexicon. The characters aren’t so much riveting as they are loved. It’s like a plate of cookies and a glass of milk at the end of the day. It’s great because every April, you’ll watch it and smell fabric softener and know that you’re family’s watching it too. It’s great because you’re comfortable and cozy when you curl up with the story

46 Waiting for Guffman—I’ve read three articles in the last week alone about the new “mockumentary” trend in comedy. It is not a new trend, it’s just been made popular by a TV show. The show is amusing, but not remotely close to this, one of the pinnacles of “mocku”comedy. Anyone who has ever been in, or seen Community Theater hurts when they see this movie. It’s a bittersweet look at people who genuinely believe they’re good, and who truly are terrible. It’s scary and sad to see, and at the same time, you end up loving the characters (which is more than you can say about almost any other “mockumentary”) because they’re more real than any of the others that follow.

45 Traffic—Like mockumentaries, complex, multi-national, multi-story-line dramas are the rage in movies today. That doesn’t mean they’re better than most, it also doesn’t mean they’re worst than most. And what makes Traffic the best of them all is that director Steven Soderbergh takes clearly separates the story lines to the point that you can distinguish everyone and then slowly slurs them together to show you how everyone is part of the same problem. He doesn’t sacrifice depth for breadth, the characters are developed, the performances are gripping and by humanizing all sides of the issue he makes it palatable regardless of politics.

44 Casablanca—Even I’m surprised I have this movie, this low. We all know the reasons it’s good (romance, passion, and pretty cinematography), so I’ll focus on why it’s not higher. Much as I hate to say it, it lags, it sags, and even a die-hard romantic like me rolls his eyes at Bergman’s doe-eyed innocence at the end. It’s much more fun to enjoy Peter Lorre and Claude Raines (“I am shocked, shocked to discover that there is gambling going on in this establishment!”), but sadly, there’s relatively little of him to go around.

43 The Searchers—I think I might have used the phrase “epic western” in connection with John Ford about 7 times already on this list. So here’s lucky number 8. It’s an epic western, sprawled out over the southwest. And, despite the long running time, despite the unfortunate undertones of mockery and racism towards Native Americans, the grandeur of the west and unflappable flawed focus of John Wayne’s Ethan Edwards makes this worth watching again and again.

42 In the Company of Men—Maybe it’s that I’m a theater geek and dig Niel LaBute. Maybe it’s that I’m a nice guy who always finishes last. Maybe it’s that I’m secretly psychotic, but this is the kind of movie that holds me and keeps me coming back. It’s the anti- Waiting for Guffman where you see people and smile and love them, here, you see people and feel sick, because they’re actually deplorable. The discordant jazz notes, the blaring, riotous anger and vitriol that colors the film and Aaron Eckhart as the most Mephistopholese-esque villain on film leaves you sick inside and with every stumble towards grace you think a little bit harder about what you’re doing to the world, and what it’s doing to you.

41 Shawshank Redemption—The kind of movie you forget, but can’t pass up if you find it on TV. It takes the standard prison movie formula and twists and turns it until you let your eyes ping-pong from Morgan Freeman to Tim Robbins again and again, relishing everything they say, and every turn of the plot that comes to be. The heartbreaking simplicity of characters and natural rhythm of the performances leaves you satisfied and guarantees that you’ll go back for more the next time you nearly flip by.

40 The Great Escape—More than the origin of British soccer chants, more than the embodiment of Steve McQueen’s cool (even in Nazi Germany), this is perhaps the most soulful action movie you could ever hope to see. (It’s also fun to see James Coburn and Charles Bronson do vague accents)Yes it has the standard, best friend dies in the arms of the hero moment, but it also has an original spin on revenge. Everyone loves Steve McQueen jumping over the fence, and coming back with a smile on his face, but James Garner resigning himself to fate, turning blithely away from his superior officer, turns the obvious into the remarkable.

39 The Gold Rush—The fifth and final Chaplin movie to make my list, the Gold Rush has everything that the other movies have (lovable tramp, nearly falling over the edge of something). But it has something else that separates it from the other movies (besides the fact that he eats his shoe). We get the Tramp’s soul more clearly than ever before, and his heartbreak when the girl (rather than being blind, or lost) rejects him out of hand (at least at first). Oh, and potatoes dancing. Funny.

38 West Side Story—Musicals tend to live or die by two things: the music (obviously) and how completely the actors captivate the audience. What’s great about West Side Story, besides the music that makes everyone either want to be a street thug or a senorita, is that while the leads are genuinely engaging, the supporting players hold us much more than anyone else. (“America” and “Officer Krupke” are a lot more fun than “Maria” and “I feel Pretty”)

37 Third Man—You know who you don’t hear much about? Joseph Cotten. Jedidiah from Citizen Kane (overshadowed by big ol’ Orson) and the lost in Austria pseudo-sluth in the Third Man. Unfortunately he’s once again overshadowed by Orson (even though Welles is on screen for only a few minutes), but he’s superb, distraught and raw when he’s pounding the cobblestones searching for Harry Lime. (Welles, is awesome too, but I felt like giving Cotten his due.)

36 The English Patient—Something of a return to the big sprawling movies in exotic locales with romance and intrigue, but the complication of the standard story line with flashbacks and side stories makes it compelling. The jumps to scenes in the present and examination of what love hath wrought in the lives of four people gives you a taste of deeper philosophy and thought without cramming it down your throat. And, as Brent will no doubt explain in more detail, erotic without giving in to simplistic pornographic detail.

35 Manhattan—Nobody does romance like Woody Allen. Which is a good thing because anyone who had a wife leave him for another woman, was dating a 17 year old and broke up his friend’s romance would need serious counseling. Much is made about Allen’s funny quips and quirks but this is really a movie made by the women, Streep, Keaton and most heartbreakingly of all: Muriel Hemingway in an honest, tender goodbye that makes Casablanca look bland by comparison.

34 The Lion in Winter—“By God I’m King, fifty and alive all at once.” Peter O’Toole is again the bomb, only this time, instead of camels and Omar Sharif he has Katherine Hepburn’s mania and Anthony Hopkins ready to cap a sword in his ass. It’s intrigue, violence, family, deception, and some of the wittiest wordplay on film. Made even stronger by the simplistic stupidity of Prince John’s, “you’re a stinker do you know that. You’re a stinker and you stink!”

33 Silence of the Lambs—Maybe it’s the more modern sensibility that makes this psycho story, more riveting than the Hitchock marvel. Or maybe it’s the fact that Lecter just looks more fierce in his mask than Bates does in his housecoat. Or maybe its that there are more compelling twists and stunning results here than the obvious ending everyone knows is coming in Psycho. Whatever the case, here is your modern treatise in fear.

32 Toy Story—It should be applauded for doing what Disney and family films in general haven’t done in decades: make something that kids giggle at with just enough reality and subtle wit that parents who have to pay for the kids, get a good laugh too. Some would criticize it for giving us Shark Tale and Robots but they miss the point. It has the eager adventurousness of kids in general with the search for identity that makes it relevant long after you’ve stopped playing with toys.

31 Malcolm X—A compelling, complete look at an American icon who is usually left to simplistic generalizations. Denzel and Spike make him complex and human, they give motive to his beliefs, and though they take a good deal of license adjusting his biography to suit the needs of their story, they make it both a film and forum for ideas, leaving the audience agape, and stunned as they hear Ossie Davis’ soothing basso into a deeper study of the man and his methods.

Argentina	Serbia	Whose life is nice?	Whose life is naughty?
Star Players: Which one? There’s Lionel Messi, Carlos Tevez, Maxi Rodriguez, and half a dozen other guys that nerdy football fans go crazy for.	Star Players: Stand out defenders Nemanja Vidic and Branislav Ivanovic won’t win any beauty contests {literally} but they defend very well. Scoring goals...well...	Argentina	Serbia
Coach: Diego Maradona is Guano level crazy. And would vastly prefer to be the star of the team...but he doesn’t actually play for the team...which makes for awkwardness	Coach: Radomir “Raddy” Antic took a squad loaded with talent but empty on consistency and made them a reliable force.	Serbia	Argentina
Legacy: Lots of people stand in awe of Argentina, but their two titles came almost twenty-five years ago. Since then, it’s been a little early success and lot of later let downs.	Legacy: They were supposed to shock the world in 2006--but stank instead. Then they couldn’t find a soul to call them contenders--and won. Now they are once again a darkhorse....maybe.	Argentina	Serbia
Contribution to the ranks of sketchy world leaders: Juan Peron--I could claim that this spot belongs to Che, but c’mon...once you’re on a t-shirt the revolution’s over. Peron, meanwhile trampled free speech, protected Nazi war criminals and helped pave the way for a Madonna musical...ass.	Contribution to the ranks of sketchy world leaders: Slobadon Milosevic [“Slobby” to his friends--not that he had any] arguably the biggest whackjob of the late 90s (only competition is Saddam and an aging Castro...but still) xenophobic nationalism, polticial opportunism and the magic words: Ethnic cleansing--CREEPY!!!	Serbia	Argentina
Team Nickname: “White and Sky Blue”--I’m sorry, I didn’t know this was the world cup of interior design	Team Nickname: “The White Eagles”--Not sure whether it refers to the bird, Quarterbacks like Ron Jaworski or the musicians who play with Don Henley--anyway you slice it though, more bad ass than “white and sky blue”	Serbia	Argentina
Draw: Argentina has a low profile group of teams devoid of star opponents. South Korea, Nigeria and Greece don’t instill fear in the hearts of many--and definitely not in Argentina.	Draw: Serbia has the Group of Death’s younger brother, with 2006 knock out participants Germany, Ghana and Australia. Not pleasant. Not pleasant at all.	Argentina	Serbia