Starting XI: Ridiculously Specific Predictions!

The World Cup is about to start, and while we could easily review all kinds of facts, features and factoids from the last month worth of writing, let's look forward to exactly what we think will happen once the talk stops and the games start.

I. Group A: With all the hype and energy around the opening match, a potent Brazilian offense and intense crowd, Defender Dejan Lovren will make a badly timed tackle that gets an overly exuberant card and alters his playing style for the next match against Cameroon...the Indomitable Lions take advantage and use the win to knock out the Blazers and march on to the second round.

The unlucky goats of Holland

II. Group B: Strong though they are, a critical error in passing between Bruno Martins Indi and Stefan De Vrij opens the door for Chile to take a tie-breaking goal in the second half for Chile and send El Rojo through to the next round.

III. Group C: A late goal by unsung midfielder Abel Aguilar, makes no difference, as Colombia suffers a tough loss to Japan. But it does keep Colombia's goal differential positive and keeps Los Cafeteros moving on ahead of the Blue Samuri

IV. Group D: Uruguay's offense sputters in the face of a hobbled Luis Suarez, but worse still is the fact that keeper Fernando Muslera, develops a terrible habit of giving up equalizers shortly after La albiceleste grabs the lead. While he stymies Costa Rica after giving up an equalizer, the offense can't cut loose and grab the lead back. Last cup's dream team crashes out in a trio of draws.

Les Blus new favorites

V. Group E: Antoinne Griezman's fantastic play on the wing for France, leaves very few moaning about the absence of Franck Ribery, particularly as he helps Karim Benzema to a pair of braces in the first two matches, en route to a group topping performance.

VI. Group F: Carlos Quieroz has a magic touch at organizing defensive mischief, with complex alternating schemes that frustrate both Eden Dzeko and John Obi Mikel in a pair of stunning victories to put Team Melli through to the next round.

VII. Group G: US Media blows it's lid when the ageless Asamoah Gyan scores again to give Ghana ANOTHER win against the US, with Fox News even snidely suggesting that this is what happens when you hire a German to do an American's job--not that they care about soccer at all (until Fox has world cup broadcasting rights). The tune swings back when the Yanks stun Portugal with Jurgen being hailed as a genius and everything ends in a muted pfft when they drop the final match to Germany.

Lacen practices how to shake a spy

VIII. Group H: Medhi Lacen puts his name at the top of the KGB hit list, when he scores a 83rd minute equalizer to deny Russia an obvious win and boost South Korea in a quiet race for runner up.

IX. Round of 16: Pushed to Penalties by Colombia, a strong Italian side comes unglued when Andrea Pirlo pushes it over the bar, in echoes of Roberto Baggio 20 years before.

X. Quarter Finals: On the verge of a stunning upset, Belgium comes undone as the workload of Thibaut Courtois is unravelled in 5 minutes of sterling futbol from Lionel Messi...an 89th minute bit of impossible creation and a gut punching through ball to Gonzalo Higuin in stoppage time ends the Red Devils run.

Ending where we thought...
But what a ride

XI. Final Four: Aching and hobbled after a strong challenge in the semi from Benedikt Howdes, Neymar pulls a Ronaldo-esque flu story line into the finals. Like Ronaldo he isn't much help, but a stunning feed from Paulinho to Fred sets up the Cup winner over Spain.

There's our overly specific, outrageous and easily foiled predictions...but hey, it's fun to think about how it will all play out--especially when it doesn't.

Meet the Team: Uruguay

Nickname: Uruguay set the tone for all nicknames going with the simplicity of the kit color: La Celeste--"The Sky Blue"


Star: No doubt about it, Luis Suárez is the star of the show, having passed his old running mate Diego Forlan to be the all time leading goal scorer in Uruguay's history (in 30 matches less than it took Forlan). Of course, he's also something of a nut job--what with the whole berating rivals, biting people's ears, and stymying other teams by playing goalkeeper for the hell of it.

Hip-Star: While I normally lean towards younger players you've never heard of, but given the tonnage of press that surrounds the strikers and Champions' League squads, it seems right to nod to Diego Lugano the veteran captain of the team, and a man who was just unceremoniously dumped by West Bromwich Albion earlier this month. Whatever man, his new stuff is totally underrated.

X-Factor: For all the talent and potential of Uruguay, there's a whole lot of inconsistency in the team too. They scraped the fifth place spot into the playoff against Jordan, and couldn't muster any wins against Cup bound teams away from home. Add in Suarez's tendency to exit early, and you may have the next victim of the Semi-final curse (See Turkey, Croatia, Sweden).

Still stinging Brazil

Coach: Óscar Wáshington Tabárez (No idea why he has the middle name Washington) has a smuch experience with his team as anyone. Having led the way through two entire cups, a semi-final spot and a Copa America victory, he has earned the title of "el maestro"--the primary school teaching helped too.


History: Sure it was over 50 years ago, but Uruguay are twice champions, including the last time the cup was held in Brazil. Of course that was when manager Tabárez was three years old...so they can't exactly draw on past experiences to help the cause.

Food: While Uruguay thrives on adopting popular flavors from other places in the world, most of them have already gotten a shout out in these posts. But not the Armenian contingent--so congrats Armenia, your Lahmajun stands in for Uruguay's food.

Dictator, or Bond Villian Minion?

Fool: The Economist recently named Uruguay, "Country of the Year"for 2013, which means we have to dredge up national history--fortunately there's martial law enforcing, torture endorsing, ex-president Aparicio Méndez. Good ol' Aparicio was also president during back to back failed World Cup Qualification rounds.

Best Case: Suárez stakes his claim to being the best striker in the world--fighting off Balotelli and Rooney in the group stage, tops Drogba in the second round, Villa in the Quarters, Messi in the semis and the Neymar in the finals for the third title.

Worst Case: Suárez draws a red card in the first match against Costa Rica, and Forlan's age catches up to him as they settle for a draw. Without him the team is no match for England, and the aging defense is even more exploited by Italy as they crash out in an embarrassing 4th place.

My prediction: Congratulations Uruguay, despite the educator's bond with El Maestro, you've passed Italy on the list of teams I actively root against. Sure it's spiteful and stupid, but so help me, that's the man I am. I'll grudgingly grant you a trio of draws as an exhausted Suárez falters in the heat...but that can hang you just as well as anything else. 3rd Place--3 points

Added Bonus: Let's close out the World Cup of Hip-Hop with an independent voice: MC Jo with "Vos y Yo"

Meet the Team: United States of America

Nickname: It might be a little pejorative and mimic a pretty clear insult, but to heck with it...let's veer into the skid and call ourselves: The Yanks


Star: With Landon Donovan controversially off the roster and Clint Dempsey losing a lot of his cache from a year or two ago, our most recognizable star (with an endorsement or two to prove it) is Tim Howard. A solidly middle class kid from New Jersey who thrives on challenges and has overcome Tourette's syndrome to be a world class keeper.

Hip-Star: A lot of people have focused on the host of talented young players learning the ropes in defense and on the front lines. But enough about the future, let's appreciate a throw back: while he's unlikely to start, Mix Diskeruud is a perfect throw-back to American players of old. Blessed with energy, pace, gumption and a crazy hair style, he's a great example of American punk-kid playing in the old fart European game. So keep your German connections, we're rooting for the Norwegian.

X-Factor: The US has the single longest road to travel of every team at the cup, ping-ponging from southernly Sao Paolo to the Northeast, the Northwest and center of Brazil for all three matches. Jet lag is coming, one can only hope endurance is too.


Coach: Few players had as much thorough success at destroying American soccer fan hopes and dreams as Jürgen Klinsmann. I can still clearly remember his devastating second goal against the Americans in 1998 that began a slow decline to last place in the whole tournament. Now in charge of the squad, he's prized youth, athleticism and energy above experience and comfort, and has been rewarded with a 60% winning percentage.

History: Over the past 20 years, American soccer has slowly climbed from entertaining afterthought to a valued piece of our sports landscape--at least, valued by younger fans who don't succumb to fuddy-duddy reporter dismissals of the subject. Qualification isn't noteworthy, it's expected, and soon it seems we'll expect to make the second stage of every world competition. Whether or not we can catch quarterfinal lightning in a bottle as we did in Japan/Korea has yet to be seen.

Food: Like Switzerland, the US has a hodgepodge of flavors in our "cuisine", and while we're fans of all things sausage--hot dogs anyone?--it's hard to avoid the simplicity of American as Apple Pie.

Fool: No doubt about it, America has their share of stupid politicians: the ignorant, the arrogant, and the corrupt. But rather than slam the Tea Party as a whole, we'll pick on the American government's representative at the games: Vice President/National Crazy Uncle Joe Biden. All the malaprops, the profanities, the cranky old-man mannerisms, and best of all--the Onion articles awaiting every match.

Best Case: With focus and energy of Klinsmann we can get over the hump against Ghana, and stun Portugal before the mandatory loss to Germany. If you can beat Portugal, you can top Belgium, and  from there you just have to hope that Argentina has an injury, but more than likely you should just appreciate the Quarterfinals.

Worst Case: Jürgen's presence is a clear reminder of 1998...and in the worst case, it's not the only one. An opening embarrassment leads to an unstoppable slide into another goalless 4th place finish.

My prediction: Pleased as I am to see the US of A firmly entrenched as a World Cup participant, and burgeoning soccer power, I'm not naive. Ghana is our boogeyman, Portugal is our patsy of the year, and Germany is...well...Germany. We're close to hanging with the big boys, but not this close. 4th Place--3 points

Added Bonus:  As the birthplace of hip-hop we have more than our share of likely candidates for this spot, but we'll give credit to Action Bronson for "It's Me" largely for working "Zinadine Zidane" into his rhyme.

Meet the Team: Switzerland

Nickname: With four languages squeezed into about 16,000 square miles, there's a lot of different ways to say "National Team", but we prefer Rossocratiati (The Red Crosses).

Xherdan practices his Tiger Beat face

Star: There's plenty of people talking about this world cup as a coming out party for Neymar, or the entire Belgian/Colombian teams. But Switzerland has as much young potential as anyone else, particularly starring Bayern Munich's midfield man: Xherdan Shaqiri, whose speed is vital to keep an aging defense protected.

Hip-Star: While Switzerland's youthful midfield is promising, their youthful striking corps is a little more worrying. Though he is the youngest and least capped striker on the squad, Josip Drmić is in the best form--with the third most goals in this year's Bundesliga and a spiffy new contract with Bayer Leverkusen. Plus, like his name shows, he's so over vowels.

X-Factor: The swiss were really stupid, they beat Brazil in a friendly last August. That boosted them to the top 8 of Fifa's rankings, which made them a top seed in the cup. Without that win they might have landed a more manageable group with Colombia, or Belgium and played their familiar role of spoiler. Instead they're "the team to beat" saddled with France and Ecuador in a group that's not impossible, but certainly not their ideal situation.

Omar tells me what I can do
with my questions

Coach: Omar Hitzfield is leading the Swiss Miss-ters to a second consecutive world cup, but has vowed to step down on July 1st--of course, if Switzerland makes the quarter finals, they would play after July 1st...not sure what will happen then.

History: It's been feast or famine for the army knife gang (can you tell I like making up nicknames for them?) Strong showings in the 30s and 50's presaged two decades of inadequacy and no qualification. The current group will play in their third World Cup in a row with a second round in Germany and stunning victory against Spain in South Africa to show for their troubles.

Food: Fondu is totally overkill, and while they're popular world wide, the Swiss are such an international people that I feel entitled to claim quiche and call it good.

Thanks British Press!

Fool: Did you know that Switzerland uses a council of learned elders to rule the country...no single executive but a community. It obviously works for the wealthy and stable nation (though friendly overseas banking laws help). Which means it's back to my old stand by, mock Sepp Blatter. The president of FIFA who rules with an iron grip inside a velvet glove runs the organization like his own personal fiefdom, going so far as to say last month that he would run for a fifth term despite pledging to step down after a sketchy reelection in 2011.

Best Case: The Swiss defense stands pat, the young talents prove their worth and all the criticism and complaint about their seeding is proved ill-founded as they top Group E, best the underwhelming runner-up of Group F, and push Germany all the way to penalty kicks in the Quarterfinals.

Worst Case: The defense's age is exposed and the attacker's youth is exploited, and even the steady hand of Hitzfield can't stymie faster, focused squads from France and Ecuador, with just a draw against Honduras holding them up in third place.

My prediction: While the Swiss stand out as the top-seeded team everyone loves to mock, they've been a top ten team in the world for a reason. While they may be overrated, they can definitely handle Honduras, so a strong showing against Ecuador is crucial. I think they get it and, by proxy, a spot in the Second round.

Added Bonus: Arguably the most influential song in Swiss hip-hop is "Murder By Dialect" by P-27 (f. Black Tiger), shifting from Swiss-German to English and back again is yet another sign of the Swiss cosmopolitan style.

Meet the Team: Spain

Nickname: I actually appreciate the Spanish method of weaving in the jersey color into their nickname: La Furia Roja (The Red Fury) is a fine way to go.


Star: The plethora of options, creators, finishers, defenders and just general talent is embarrassing. Narrowing those options to one star is like identifying the single best peanut M and M's in a pound worth of them. Let's just say Andrés Iniesta and brace for the torrent of angry fans defending their own favorite.

Hip-Star: If you can find an under-the radar Spanish player, you should talk to NORAD, because, your skills shouldn't be wasted on futbol. Since Fernando Torres and David Villa are aging up top, and most recent spotlight stealer Diego Costa is hurt, we'll say the Spanish player who is most important, but most absent from mainstream debate is: Álvaro Negredo.

Mastermind/Understudy
for the role of "Kind Grampa"

X-Factor: There is no way to ignore it, the road to the trophy goes straight through Spain, which is both a sign of their talent and of the fact that the whole world is plotting against them. Every team that knows it faces Spain, or hopes to face Spain, has been strategizing and plotting specifically for them since they qualified. If everyone uses the Bayern Munich method of socking it in at the back...they may only make the quarter finals.

Coach: While most teams replace managers at the end of a tournament cycle, consistent trophy hoisting has kept Vicente Del Bosque firmly entrenched in Spain's hottest of hot seats. While his Real Madrid squads never bought into the Tiki-Taki passing strategy used to such tremendous effect in the last three major tournaments, he's employed it perfectly with the national side.

History: The years of "underachieving" Spain have finally vanished. The supposed "Quarter-Final Curse" has been busted, and the team's first gold star (a sign of having won the World Cup) adorned the crest after their 2010 triumph in South Africa. The first generation of stars who made that happen are nearing the twilight of their careers now, but they should have something left for one more big run.


Food: Tapas are easy, and since the whole Spanish style was built, refined and maintained at Barcelona in Catalonia it seems best to honor them with a dish for eating: Escalivada--roasted vegetables, the perfect accompaniment to all the other grilled things I'll be making in June.

Fool: The only real blemish on Spain's post-Franco era has been the hideous Property Bubble that prompted a EU bailout in 2012. But rather than foisting the blame on bankers or home buyers or anything else, we'll pick on King Juan Carlos I, because 'merica don't take kindly to kings!

Best Case: Spain is Spain. The World Cup is lifted. Host Brazil bows to them in the final. The earth continues spinning.

Worst Case: Holland holds La Roja, to a 90 minute stale mate (much as they did in the 2010 final), forcing a must win game against a defensively fierce Chile in the second, that ends in another unsatisfying draw. A final win over Australia is nice but goal differential from the more potent Dutch and Chilean attacks creates a stunningly short trip to Brazil for the holders as they exit in third place of their group.

My prediction: The Spanish system is every bit the world beater it has been for the past six years. Unfortunately, they don't have to beat the world, just Brazil...in Brazil. After the confederations cup last year, I fear that's a little too much to ask. Runners-Up

Added Bonus: Hey, here's someone I actuallly used to play during my old college radio days: Mala Rodriguez's "Tengo un Trato"

Meet the Team: Russia

Nickname: While Wikipedia doesn't give any specific name, some leave it with the simple "national Team" Sbornaya.

Star: As a team built on defense, Russia has lived and died with their keeper. And after topping their group (one that contained Portugal), a lot of it is owed to keeper Igor Akinfeev, the CSKA Moscow man who ceded just 5 goals in all of qualifying. As he follows in the bootsteps of legendary Soviet keeper Lev Yashin, Akinfeev will have to be on point to push Russia ahead in the Cup for the first time since the fall of communism.


Hip-Star: A great many eyes will be on Aleksander Korkorin, the preeminent forward of the team, who led the scoring in qualifying, but someone has to serve him and, given the team's tendency to run on the wings it may need to be Denis Cheryshev, who was gobbled up by Real Madrid's program and has barely sniffed the pitch in the past two years. He may not make the squad, and even if he does, he might not play at all. All the more reason to cite him as you roll up your flannel sleeves and push up your box-framed glasses, that's just how much you know.

Bigger....

X-Factor: In case you don't read the newspapers or listen to the radio or watch the television or look at the internet (which would actually preclude you from reading this), Russia's in the midst of a military incursion excuse me, Russian media says that's inaccurate. I mean they're in the midst of a fascist liberation nope, sorry, Western media says that's inaccurate. I mean a bowl of Cheerios. yeah, that's the ticket...a bowl of Cheerios. Maybe they can focus with a big bowl of cheerios going on in the background...maybe they can't...but one thing's for sure, no team's faced a bowl of Cheerios this big since...well I can't remember one...so there you have it...yeah Cheerios.

Coach: Remember 4 years ago when Fabio Capello seemed to be a genius who was going to save English football? How he had only lost 3 matches when the Cup started...and then promptly oversaw a group of players who looked like a dog's breakfast? Yeah...those were the days; and now he's back in an all new adventure yes it's Capello 2: Russian Boogaloo.

History: The Russians have made an appearance each decade, but they haven't made it past the group stage since 1986 (And that started a long decline from quarter finals to bottom of the barrel). The top highlight was a 4th Place finish in 1966.

Food: I don't trust my pureeing abilities enough to make borsht, and I'm eager for some more breakfast foods so bilinis it is. (I'm aiming for more sweet and less savory, but depending on how long Russia's run goes, I may need to try some thing new.

Sexy/Genius and he knows it...

Fool: It's like someone wrote a casting notice: "Vladmir--40-60, Serious, unflappable former KGB operative who feels that the fall of the Soviet empire is a disaster and that he will create a new world order. Must be willing to work without a shirt." Enter VLADMIR PUTIN.

Best Case: The Great Russian Revival continues, besting Korea, stunning EU darlings Belgium and cruising against Algeria. The stalwart defense and potent offense run up the score against the US in round two, and only a desperation, miracle move from Messi sends them out in the Quarterfinals. Ukraine throws up their hands and beg to be annexed as a whole.

Worst Case: The team arrives with a big fat target on their back, and the inexperienced squad is wrong footed by the faster Koreans and Belgians, while their offense sputters. The team bickers their way, pointing fingers and hanging heads as the Algerians knock them out in last place...again. The US moves on to the quarters with ease, and Putin slips a radioactive mickey in Capello's nightcap.

My prediction: Sweet as it would be to relive Rocky IV on a soccer pitch, I don't see great things ahead for either the Russians or the Yanks. Though it will likely be harder on Russia when Algeria steals a point in the last minutes to deny the ex-Reds a second round spot. 3rd place--2 points

Added Bonus: Yup there's Russian hip-hop...so we've at least won on that front, here's Bad Balance.

Meet the Team: Portugal

Nickname: Though they might like to be known as "Selação", Brazil actually has that locked down. So we'll go with Os Navegadores--"The Navigators"

The world's only
unphotoshoppable human

Star: The fourth and final "futbol player everybody knows" is literal golden boy Cristiano Ronaldo, who manages to combine the athletic prowess of a prize fighter/ballet dancer with the absurd good looks of Derek Zoolander/James Bond. He's easy to make fun of, because he is easy to feel jealous of.

Hip-Star: Oh, yeah...Cristiano Ronaldo...ooh, he's so talented, ooh, he's so good looking...oooh...but do you really think he's going to stop the brutally efficient German attack? The speeding Ghanaian wingers? The gritty American scrapiness? No...he's too busy winking and flexing for the cameras. That's okay as long as defensive midfielder Miguel Veloso plays his game, not that you'd notice if you only judge players on how deep their dimples are...silly sheeple.

X-Factor: One of the greatest clichés in futbol is that one man can't win the game on his own. Though Portugal has certainly challenged that philosophy lately, riding Ronaldo and a host of complementary pieces to a number 3 FIFA ranking. A more complete team got fourth place in 2006, a less effective one got to the second round in 2010...will supporting players rise up, or fade away?

Coach: For a former defensive midfielder, Paolo Bento is bedeviled by mediocre defending and giving away goals in heaps, first with Sporting Lisbon and again in qualifying (ceding 4 to North Ireland, and 3 to Israel) as they finished second behind Russia and needed all of Ronaldo's scoring acumen to send them through.

Norwegians don't do this with cod...

History: While the 70s and 80s were a fallow period for Portugal, four straight qualifications and a chunk of European glory has made them far more notable in the past decade particularly their 4th place finish in 2006.


Food: A little breakfast food never went amiss, and it's been far too long since I thought about fish so let's try Bacalhau à Brás. Taking potatoes, scrambled eggs and the ubiquitous treat of Portugal: dried Cod.

Fool: As Portugal tends to be more or less manageable and considerate of one another they don't fit most of our "fool" types. So, it's with nostrils pinched that we point the finger at Pedro Passos Coehlo for being the man in charge at the fall of the Portugese economy. Sorry Pedro.

Best Case: Cristiano Ronaldo does everything Nike and Cristian Dior and Rolex and Gillette could ever want. Single handedly netting game winners in every group match, and then knocking off every rival in the knockout stages (culminating in that other selacao) en route to Portugal's first World Championship.


Worst Case: Ronaldo tweaks something on his first warm up jog around the track and the rest of Portugal collapses around his absence. Getting pummeled into last place by Germany, the US and even Ghana and flying home in tears as Brazilians chant insults at their erstwhile oppressors.

My prediction: Fear not sponsors, super-shiny Christiano Ronaldo will play more than three games--not even a shock upset from the US will derail that dream. But they won't play more than 4, as the super-shiny upset darlings of Belgium pounce on Portugal's main weakness...overconfidence. 2nd Round

Added Bonus: In my (extremely brief) survey of Hip Hop Tuga, it seems that artists rely heavily on intros, hooks and slowly set up the beats. Bear that in mind when you hear Sam the Kid's "Jungle Fever"

Meet the Team: Nigeria

Nickname: The Super Eagles typify the high flying (and oft swooping) Nigerian style. Capable of great things, capable of stupid things, otherwise utterly unpredictable.


Star: The midfield maestro of Nigeria's hopes and dreams is undoubtably John Obi Mikel. Genius play at the age of 20 made him a highly sought commodity at the top levels in England. His time at Chelsea has been quietly consistent, though never at the levels of staggering brilliance one might have anticipated, he's unquestionably a heart and soul player on a team that needs it.

Hip-Star: Mikel needs men to drive in the goals--and while most eyes up top will tend towards the prolific Emmanuel Emenike and Liverpool's up-and-comer Victor Moses, we think the "real" soccer fan will plump for Ahmed Musa whose under the radar work at CSKA Moscow has steeled him to work against the best in the world (Champions League), and in less than comfortable conditions (Russia). He may not start, he may not see much pitch, but focusing on his performance will be like focusing on the best cinematography in Nollywood movies.


X-Factor: Having landed a group that the other African nations would dearly love to have, the weight of expectations may land rather heavily on Nigeria. Though they seem to have the clearest path through the group stages, one might have said the same thing in 2010, but the Super Eagles got bupkus instead. Lower ambitions made for better results in 1994 and again at the Cup of Nations last February, how much we expect versus how much they can deliver is the biggest question ahead.

Keshi (R) back in the glory days)

Coach: Local boy Stephen Keshi makes for an interesting example. Unlike most other managers he has only ever held positions with national teams, never denigrating himself with a daily grind of League competition. He's had great success in qualification (having pushed Togo through in 2006), but on the big stage his work has yet to be seen.

History: One of the titans of African football, Nigeria's best years were in their back-to-back final sixteen finishes in 1994 and 1998. They even won their group both times, playing a sterling brand of football that's far less common among the green & white these days.

Food: Tempted as I am to try fried ground peanuts (Kuli-Kuli) I'll play it a little healthier with Egusi offers a hearty soup with a mix of beef, shrimp, pumpkin and spinach.

Goodluck getting rid of that smile

Fool: The only president whose name is an implicit offer of support Goodluck Jonathan makes the most of his name to feel well liked even when he's mucking it all up. This is the man who attempted to ban his own team from international competition (before FIFA attempted to do it themselves). And since then the hits have just kept coming: ignoring terrorist cells, sacking independently minded ministers, shrugging off pleas of greater representation from Northern constituents, and playing totally dumb about the abduction of 100 school girls by an aforementioned terror cell. At this point his hat's about the only good thing about him--and that owes more to Pharrell than to Goodluck.

Best Case: Keeper Vincent Enyema thinks they can/should make the semi-finals. Let's see how it happens: Topping Bosnia and Iran gives them second place and a shot at the overconfident French (winnable) and, let's guess, a worn down/overconfident Portugal. That would get them the semi's...but it owes more to the draw than their talent.

Worst Case: A poor showing against Iran incites muslims and enrages President Jonathan, leading to feuds at home. The team continues to fumble chances against Bosnia as the home front burns and a final drubbing 7-0 by Argentina leaves them in utter shambles in every sense of the word.

My prediction: Nigeria was my first favorite from Africa, and they certainly have resources to make themselves a constant threat both on the continent and worldwide. Unfortunately, while the officially biggest GDP on the continent gives them a wealth of resources, this will be the cup, with a poor performance in a manageable group, that sees their sun set, and a chaotic government send them into a tailspin thereafer. 4th Place--0 points

Added Bonus: On their names alone we have to like the stable of artists in the label Chocolate City's loopy crew (particularly Ice Prince, Jesse Jagz and our chosen artists Str8Buttah...). Bravo Chocolate City, keep this going.

Meet the Team: Netherlands

Nickname: Whether you call them Holland, or the Dutch, or the Netherlands, you have a similar plethora of choices when it comes to the nickname for the squad: Oranje/Clockwork Orange/Flying Dutchmen--take your pick, it all works well.

Star: Dutch attackers tend to pass the torch from one generation to the next, this time around its Robin Van Persie's to run with. Though he won't have a younger ally to tutor, his pace, speed and scoring acumen have made the Man United man Holland's all time leader in goals scored. Hard not to trust him here.

Hip-Star: For all the fun people have with Total Futbol, and memories of Cruyff, Gullit, Kluivert, Bergkamp, Robben, Sneijder, et al, the Dutch need a defense every bit as much. That's why center back Stefan de Vrij is so vital to the team's chances. Alongside a pair of fellow Feyenoord back liners, he'll have to shut down the dangerous Spanish and Chilean attacks to help the Dutch endure a brutal Group B. While he's at it, he can work on lining his parka hood with artisanal hemp designs that simulate fur without murdering animals.

X-Factor: I know that I put way too much stock into touchy feely categories like "momentum" and "chemistry" but the serious psychological gut shot of losing on the biggest stage again, must have some effect on the Dutch. The perennial bridesmaids of European and now, world futbol (since Spain finally got their gold star last time out), might well be professionals, might well be athletic and well trained...but to face the foe who denied them last time in the very first match...it's do or die time immediately for Holland.

Oh...what? World what now?

Coach: Maybe you've heard the name Louis Van Gaal recently. Maybe you've heard that he's due to take on a job managing the most prolific, historic, media beloved club on the planet after this tournament is over. Maybe you've heard all about his plans and transfer targets, his schemes and short leash from management. But have you heard how he's going to guide the Dutch? You know, the team he currently works for and previously left on the door step of qualifying for the 2002 Cup? Yeah, me neither.

History: The title of "Best Team Never to Win the World Cup" has been handed down from Argentina, to France, to Spain and now (officially) to the Netherlands. Back to back runners up in the glory days of Cruyff and Co. are almost 40 years in the past, before any of the current squad was born, should they break the streak (in Brazil of all places)...it would be miraculous.

"Douchio-Reducto!"

Food: I'm not going to be able to brew any beer, or ferment any cheeses, but I think I can manage Andijviestamppot--endives, mashed potatoes and diced bacon.


Fool: Ahh Geert Wilders the man who compared the Quran with "Mien Kampf", opposes all forms of immigration and looks like a distant, douchy, relative of the Malfoy family (though even they think he's a little over the top).

Best Case: Van Gaal is the genius everyone thinks he is. A well oiled machine of midfield and forwards doesn't miss a beat as they redeem themselves against Spain, trounce Chile and make Australia hide in the dressing room rather than play the second half. The momentum continues through the next two rounds en route to a Semi-against Argentina (another case of sweet sweet revenge) and a final against Brazil. Miraculously, unbelievably, they win the cup while unicorns fly over head and Fernanda Lima declares her undying love for me.

Worst Case: Van Gaal is already out the door by the time Spain dismantles the rookie defenders again, Chile pounces on blood in the water and a bedraggled squad goes through the motions in a draw with Australia dropping Holland to the worst showing at a cup since 1938. Fernanda Lima declares her undying love for Geert Wilders.

My prediction: Coming off a second place finish in 2010, the eternal bridesmaids of World Football won't have to suffer a near miss again, not because they're poised for glory, but because the aging dutch in the knock-down-drag-out Group B will likely have everything to play for in their final match against Chile. When that's the case, in South America, against a team in sterling form, it won't end well. 3rd Place--3 points.

Added Bonus: I know what you really want, a sample of NEDERHOP! Here's Dutch Oldskool group Extince with "Spraakwater"