What to Watch for Worldwide in 2016

We spent the last few days reflecting on the teams that have bowed out of the next round of the world Cup in 2015. Now it's time to look ahead to the 2016 International Soccer Calendar and ponder what, if anything, matters to the average Upper-Midwest-Mountain-Time-Zone-Type Soccer Fan.

January 3rd: SAFF Championship--India
Forget your podunk Tax Slayer and Alamo Bowls, the first real hardware on the line this year will be awarded when India and Afghanistan meet in Kerala this Sunday. The Afghans have long dominated the subcontinent but are about to defect to a different subregion, meaning that India will soon be the lone giant in their area (as usual). The Blue Tigers have already been mathematically eliminated from the world cup qualifiers with two games to go, but they play throwback American footy. As in: a throw back to those late 80 days when 90% stadium seats were empty and even the best players were tentative. Ahhh memories. (You can watch the live stream here at 7 AM local time Sunday, but be warned there are no announcers, but feel free to invent your own.)


January 11th: Ballon d'Or Awards
AKA Lionel Messi wracks his brain to think of someone he hasn't yet thanked in an acceptance speech.

Uhh...my great-great-great grandma I guess?

January 12th-30th: Asian Olympic Qualifying/U-23 Championship
It will be interesting to see who makes it to the Olympics (I'm still riding the Thai War Elephants bandwagon), but what really matters is our sense of progress and organization in Qatar who hosts the tournament. Sure it's still 6 years off, and they've hosted an Asian Cup with more spectators and journalists, but the closer we get to 2022 the more we want to see wrinkles ironed out.

February 7th: African Nations Championship
You might be thinking...didn't Africa just play a championship last year? Yes they did, but this time they take only players based on the continent into their national teams, giving a slightly trickier job to the coaches involved. Unfortunately the late timing means that if someone has a great tournament they have to wait five long (injury-prone) months before they can become a transfer target again. But, as an added bonus, you can brag at that evening's Super Bowl party that you won the Office ANC Pool. ("What's that?" you can continue "your office doesn't have a pool for the African Nations Championship final? Well...I suppose we're just more worldly over where I work"--and that's how you win Hipster of the Year with 10 months to spare)

February 26th: FIFA's Extraordinary Congress
Sadly, it's not a congress made up of FA directors who are also steam punk superheroes. It's a bunch of officials running to replace Sepp Blatter as most derided and loathed man in the world. There's a full month plus of campaigning, including the possibility of a live ESPN debate around the world on January 29th so we can get more into the who, what and why and if you want logical, intelligent coverage rather than my style of mockery and pop culture allusions, Sporting Intelligence has just about everything you need to know to make an informed decision about who you would least dislike winning an election you can't vote in.

Be prepared to loathe one of these men for the rest of their professional lives!

March 15th & 16th: FIFA Meetings on Development and Cup Organization
AKA Shoot, people are watching us now...how do we "develop" our bank accounts like this?

March 21st-29th: International Break #1
The biggest piece in this session will be Asia's final round of second round matches, with a number of spots in the final round still up for grabs. The great stories of Bhutan and Guam have reached their disappointing endings, but there's still hope for Cinderella story runs for Thailand (coming of a trophy win last year), Hong Kong (who could qualify off the back of China) and Syria (who...holy hell what would their progression mean?).

May 12th-15th: FIFA Congress in Mexico City
The new president will have the eyes of the world on him as he announces a host of minor bureaucratic "reforms" that will either continue the devolution of power to an international base or set billionaire European club owners toes a-curling.

May 15-29th: COSAFA Cup--Windohek, Namibia
Bafana Bafana remains the dominant force in the region, but shockingly trail Zimbabwe and Zambia in total titles. With Zambia a dark horse for Wold Cup qualifying and Botswana and Angola riding a youth wave, there are some interesting story lines to watch before most teams settle in for three years of waiting for the 2022 qualifiers.

May 28-June 11: OFC Nations Cup/2nd Round Qualifiers

AKA New Zealand enjoys some lovely beach weather in Papua New Guinea and wonders how it can join the Asian Federation.

C'mon All Whites, look at this view

June 3-26: Copa America Centenario--USA
Ahh, the tournament that gave Attorney General Loretta Lynch the opening needed to whomp FIFA on the head with the reform stick (thanks Traffic Sports Marketing!!) For those who are still keen on seeing great international soccer (assuming it rises above the stink of bribery that it was built on) it's only 5 hours to Chicago which will host three first round games (including one US Men's National Team and one Argentine game) as well as a semi-final.

June 10-July 10: Euro 2016--France
The big tournament of the summer will offer answers to a few big questions: is Germany unbeatable? Can Spain and Italy bounce back? Are France and Belgium ready to join the short list of title contenders? Dare we dream of Irish, Welsh or Icelandic qualification? Who is destined to make Euro pundits giggle like star-struck teens before turning in a wildly disappointing next season and disappearing off the face of the sporting earth? Ohh, Euro season, how I tolerate you.

June 24: CAF 3rd Round Qualifying draw
While some strong teams still look indomitable (Ivory Coast, Algeria, Ghana) we've reached that stage of African development where often overlooked squads are on the rise (Cape Verde Islands and Congo), while older squads have faded just enough to create groups of deaths (Egypt and Nigeria). We'll have to wait and see how the groups shake out, but there's a good chance that three more spots will be in the balance.

Alright! More Cartoon Sports Enthusiasts

August 3-20: Olympic Tournament--Rio de Janeiro
Hey! A soccer tournament in Brazil! Move over pigeons of Manaus, we need that stadium again...for a couple of hours anyway. Seriously, the U-23 teams coming in from around the world should give a sense of which county's development programs may be bearing fruit in two years time (Denmark, Sweden, Honduras, South Africa, maybe just maybe the US--if they can beat Columbia in March).

August 29-September 6: International Break #2
Just a few weeks into the start of the new club season, and just six weeks after the Euro Championships, UEFA starts another round of Cup Qualifiers, and even San Marino dreams big (We lost 5-0 it's a miracle!!)

October 3-11: International Break #3
It's Africa's turn to start a round of qualifications based on the June draw for 5 groups. Assuming people aren't so pumped after watching the new Channing Tatum as Gambit movie to lose focus. They love their early-90s X-Men in Gabon!

Let's go, cher pantheres!

October 20-11: FIFA Meetings on Marketing and Television/Development
AKA "Dude, check out all the tv money we can...oh...dang it, they're still looking."

October/November: Central/East-Central African Cup (Possibly?)
Uganda has been on a great run of late, making the third round of World Cup qualifiers and winning their 14th regional cup. If (as Wikipedia seems to believe) there's another cup in the offing, the Cranes may be able to build themselves up more for a longer qualifying run (or run themselves ragged when they need to be fresh).

November 7-15: International Break #4
North American fans rejoice, it's time to start the Hexagon. Assuming the US can get past the Grenadines and Tobago, we will see more high stakes matches with local rivals Mexico and Costa Rica, whether or not we see that with Jurgen at the helm depends on your fondness for our resident Ubermensch.

Jurgen and his critics move to a slightly larger space

December: ASEAN Football Federation Cup--Myanmar/Phillipines
What a great way for Aung Sang Suu Kii to celebrate her first year in power! The Southeast Asian nations will run another tournament. With Thailand on track for their first final qualifying round and Vietnam still in the hunt, the AFF Cup might make a good tune up for those teams with big dreams, or salve the wound if it all falls apart. Plus, I hear the Nobel Prize winner's a pretty creative attacking midfielder.

Starting XI: Cashing In--World Cup Transfers and the Price of Beef Jerky

In honor of Labour Day, let's appreciate what it's all about: honoring the workers of the world...especially those who have made an obscene amount of money via the transfer window after the world cup. (I assume that was Marx's vision: "From each club according to their means, to each player according to a completely random sum of ever increasing money."



Let's go ahead and total the tonnage of cash expended in the last two months on players who grabbed eyeballs and earned screams from the various supporters and rivals in terms of how much they are making, and how much beef jerky (particularly--Hi-Country Top Quality Beef Jerky--11 ounce packages at $12.95 each) they seem to be worth

I. Claudio Bravo (Chile/Barcelona Goalkeeper)--10 Million Pounds Transfer Fee/1.28 Million packs of Jerky. 
The highest transfer fee for a keeper this window, Bravo is a more reliable and known property than the world's most darling keeper: Keylor Navas (who still drew in a handsome 8 Million from Real Madrid). His hard luck loss in the playoff round against Brazil didn't bother Barca, nor should it.


II. Luke Shaw (England/Manchester Utd Defender)--33 Million Pound Transfer/4.23 Million packs of Jerky
England's underwhelming performance wasn't laid at the feet of Luke Shaw. After all, his one match (v.s. Costa Rica) was the only one where the Lions kept the ball out of the back of the net. Shaw joined the exodus out of surprising South Hampton this summer heading for the read devils for a wad of cash, and an equal amount of Teriyaki Beef Jerky.

III. David Luiz (Brazil/Paris St. Germain Defender)--43 Million Pounds Transfer/5.49 Million packs of jerky

The most famous head of hair from the back line of Brazil, Luiz left the premiership for the more fashionable and stylish Paris St. Germain. With all the money and praise, one has to hope that Luiz recognizes that he can and should run...even if there are Germans against him.

IV. Elaquim Mangala (France/Manchester City Defender) 35 Million Pounds Transfer/5.46 Million Packs of Jerky
While Mangala, did not feature for France, there was still considerable enthusiasm for him, particularly amongst the Premierships most reliable money geyser: Manchester City. As he matures and grows, you have to hope that he's reliable in defense...or at least, you do if you're French.


V. Angel Di Maria (Argentina/Manchester United Winger)--65 Million Pound Transfer/8.3 Million Packs of Jerky
The most recent transfer (required once United started stinking like yesterday's fish) Di Maria had been having a fine World Cup until an injury 33 minutes into the semifinal left him sitting and staring as Germany triumphed. I imagine that he can dry his eyes on his huge piles of money...or his huge piles of Honey Kist jerky, which would be more absorbent.

VI. James Rodriguez (Colombia/Real Madrid Midfielder)--70 Million Pound Transfer/8.93 Million Packs of Jerky
The hottest name at the World Cup (hotter even than "Hansel"), James (pronounced Ha-mez) was the undeniable star of the undeniable tournament darling. He may well be the man in the middle for one of the most eagerly anticipated squads at Russsia 2018. But before then he'll be the heir apparent to Cristiano Ronaldo amongst Los Galacticos

VII. Antoine Griezman (France/Atletico Madrid Midfielder)--26 Million Pound Transfer/3.31 Million Packs of Jerky
Sure, there are other players who were deemed to be worth a little more money, but we've got a soft spot for Griezmann, our previously noted "Hip-Star" for the French squad, who did quite well in coverage for Franck Ribery. So well, in fact that Les Blus might have been the last real threat to Germany's title aspirations. Now he's on with La Liga champions and looking thoroughly eager for more glory.

VIII. Alexis Sanchez (Chile/Arsenal Winger)--33 Million Pound Transfer/4.23 Million packs of Jerky
When Chile was at their best in Brazil, it usually had something to do with Alexis Sanchez, darting, dodging, digging deep and doing other things that start with D. Now with the Gunners, Sanchez has perhaps even weightier expectations on his shoulders with Arsenal expecting a trophy at last. With that much heavy lifting ahead, he may want to invest some of his money in power packed protein of peppered Hi-Country Jerky!


IX. Romelu Lukaku (Belgium/Everton Forward)--31 Million Pound Transfer/3.95 Million Packs of Jerky
Lukaku is best known by American fans as "that-guy-who-crushed-our-dreams". But, as a herd of world cup fans make the segue to the Premiership, a large proportion of us seem likely to adopt Lukaku's new squad--the under awarded, highly enthusiastic Toffees of Liverpool. Just remember fellow hipster US/Everton fans--he did celebrate crushing our dreams by saying "Hi Mom"

X. Diego Costa (Spain/Chelsea Forward)--33 Million Pounds Transfer/4.23 Million packs of Jerky
The most valuable player in La Liga last year, the man who almost single handedly delivered Atletico Madrid the title (above Barcelona, above cross town rivals Real Madrid), he now has a chance to prove himself in the Premiership amongst the similarly high profile, highly paid Chelsea signings.

XI. Luis Suarez (Uruguay/Barcelona Forward)--71 Million Pounds Transfer/9.05 Million Packs of Jerky
The most expensive transfer of the summer is also, perhaps the most controversial. Infamous around the world due to his repeated and almost incomprehensible biting habits, Suarez completes a trio of world class South American strikers alongside Lionel Messi and Neymar. Unfortunately, in making those transfers, Barcelona has put themselves into a position where they will not be allowed to make any further transfers for a year. There are all kinds of comments to make here about Suarez, biting, money and jerky...but come on...Hi-Country doesn't deserve to be tarnished by association with Suarez.

Happy Trails: 8-5

The field has been cut again so let's bid adieu to four more teams the only way we know how: dumb jokes and self-important blather!

8. Tot Zien, Belgium
Why They Lost: The Belgiums quite simply ran out of extra skin on their teeth. Squeaking past Algeria, Russia and South Korea, led to squeaking past the US, until running out of room against Argentina.
What We'll Miss: The brief glimpses of just how good Belgium can be courtesy of Eden Hazard, Romelu Lukaku and Vincent Kompany.

7. Au Revoir, France
Why They Lost: Les Blus ran out of offense after their 6 goal slugfest against Switzerland, squeaking a goal against Ecuador and then needing a last second savior of Paul Pogba and a Nigerian own goal to get themselves into the quarters.
What We'll Miss: Those kits are absolutely gorgeous.

6. Tu Veo Luego, Colombia
Why They Lost: Los Cafeteros are good, and they were an unstoppable force when their fans overwhelmed all the also rans they battled against. But in Brazil, against Brazil and a screaming horde of Brazilian fans? It was just a little too much for them all.
What We'll Miss: Midfield miracles courtesy of James Rodriguez and Juan Cuadrado...maybe if Falcao was there...

5. Ciudate, Costa Rica
Why They Lost: Utter exhaustion. Navigating the hellscape of Uruguay, Italy, England, horrific calls against Greece and then Holland, they were simply out of gas--and the clairvoyant Louis van Gaal's keeper adjustment should not be missed either.
What We'll Miss: Cheering someone, anyone, not from Europe or South America; and day dreaming of a future when Costa Rica rules the futbol world.

Waning Seconds: Groups E & F

Let's take a quick glimpse at exactly what must be done for teams to qualify, or, in the case of others not heading in to the last round of matches.

MORNING--
Argentina V.s. Nigeria
It's firmly established that Lionel Messi is the savior of Argentinian hopes and dreams, but you have to wonder if anyone else can do it. Argentina's booked into the next round but Nigeria isn't...if the Argentine's use the match to rest Messi and warm up his understudies for a 2nd round run, the Super Eagles could spring a surprise (or at least grab a point) and move on as well.

Iran V.s. Bosnia-Herzegovina
The Iranian dream lives on. But it all depends on how they fare against the already ousted Bosnians. Bad luck and missed calls have stymied the debutantes at the cup, but they could easily take this match and spoil the Iranians hopes and dreams...OR...Carlos Quieroz could finally find the cojones to draw up some specific plays for Reza Goochenajad and try to grab the full three points, putting pressure on Nigeria to definitely get the win (as goal differential only barely favors the Africans)

AFTERNOON--
France V.s. Ecuador
Les Blus have looked absolutely dominant for most of their tournament so far...but they are French and it could all slip away in rapid fashion of Ecuador trounces them and Switzerland trounces Honduras. That might take some doing (especially given the sputtering offenses of their rivals) but never bet against the French disaster. Ecuador likely can't be confident in just taking a point as Switzerland has looked far better than Honduras thus far, and La H is already packing it in.

Switzerland V.s. Honduras
With Honduras eliminated they can do one of two things: a) roll over and play dead letting the Swiss steamroll them and head on to the next round, or b) play the same ugly, aggressive, haphazard brand of futbol they've played before, and force the Swiss to sneak a point or two en route to making the next round. Basically, everything's coming up Swiss.

3 On/3 Off: Matches 24-26

Half-way home in the first round we've seen some surprising victories, more surprising losses and quite frankly stunning goals. But there can only be three substitutions made each match(day) so let's see who's coming on, and who's heading off.

ON: Jorge Luis Pinto--Costa Rica's coach has done a marvelous job of preparing Los Ticos to play against three of the legends of World Futbol with absolutely no fear. Three decades of coaching experience with minimal success on the world stage has all been wiped away with two thrilling matches and tremendous strategy. If you're an American, you know all about coaching darlings who take a Cinderella deep in the NCAA Tournament en route to a better job...Jorge Luis Pinto is their non-union Costa Rican equivalent.
OFF: Mario Balotelli's Love Life--The Italian striker who spends his down time collecting Panini stickers of himself, and making jokes about getting a smooch from Queen Elizabeth, seemed to have put much more preparation into those gags and not nearly as much into preparing an attack against Costa Rica. Sorry Mario, you and HRH will be a missed connection, yet again.

ON: Everything Karim Benzema Does--He's only on three goals, though he has a case for two more (the rebound off the Honduran keeper which should not be an own goal/the final whistle strike against Switzerland, since you shouldn't whistle dead a match on an attack). Even without the goals, he's been integral to making everything happen for France, the goals, the goals against, the celebrations, the crepes suzette.
OFF: Diego Benaglio--The Swiss Keeper's tepid, depressed showing was utterly exposed by France until his teammates boosted their goal differential by netting two late goals. Worse still, by getting compared constantly with Swiss Cheese, he risks single-handedly tanking the Swiss economy*.

*Note, I know that's not true...but hey, stereotypes are funny...

ON: The Other Valencia--Enner is his name and driving La Tri is his game. As Ecuador strides towards a showdown with France, their chances of a knockout round spot are in doubt, not in doubt is the media's fondness for the Ecuadorian striker who has hurdled to the top spot of teams' summer transfer must have list. A modest proposal: Valencia? He's got your name written all over him.
OFF: The Letter "H"--Honduras' nickname? "La H" A fact the Letter H can't be too happy about right now. For as many bad teams as there have been in the cup (Cameroon and Spain come to mind), Honduras is the only one that combines brutally thuggish defense, with unblinking use of handballs, with zero attacking inspiration. The longer they go, the more Sesame Street must be considering pulling the letter's cushy sponsorship deal.

The second weekend of action seems just as promising as the past week. I'll even be trying to go out and party with real live people (rather than just my pets--who appreciate the companionship but don't care much for the football).

3 On/3 Off: Matches Nine-Eleven

It was a great way to spend father's day, a bowl of Cheeto's in one hand, a Sella Artois in the other and the sight of futbol, glorious futbol on the tele. Here's the big themes from a wonderful Sunday in the Park.

ON: Swiss Grit--Record setting as it was, the stoppage time goal was a great bit of luck for Switzerland, stealing a win from the jaws of defeat, and announcing that they will not be the poster child for stupid FIFA rankings everyone assumes they will.
OFF: Ecuadorian Defense--That final goal that has the internet raving, it was definitely a stroke of skill, but also a stroke of luck that Ecuador, on missing their chance looked so lackadaisical and foolish in challenges aimed to stop the attack, but not following through with the action to actually grab the draw. They'll need a result against France for any shot at the knockout rounds, and they can't defend like that (witness what happened to Honduras).



ON: Karim Benzema--The frenchman has a legitimate case to claim a hat trick (FIFA rules would suggest that the deflection off the keeper doesn't become an own goal since it rebounded off the post). He was THE Frenchman on the pitch, and looked every bit a world beater.
OFF: Wilson Palacios--Speaking of beater's, the Honduran midfielder seems to have some sort of axe to grind with Paul Pgoba. Hacking, grabbing and finally shoving him at every opportunity. Beyond looking ugly and unsportsmanlike, it leaves him out of the next match against Ecuador, and deprives Honduras of one of their best creators.

ON: Lionel Messi--The Atomic Flea made one of the most beautiful, gif-able, twitter-breaking able runs of this or any cup. Making opponents look foolish and striking a solid goal to seal the deal for Argentina
OFF: "Lionel Messi"--The idea that Messi can do it alone seems to have slipped into everyone's head, even Messi. No doubt, his great goal was the difference, but it was only the difference because Argentina luckily evaded Bosnian threat after threat. Every member of Albiceleste's attacking squadron seemed fixated on doing it themselves, the result--60 minutes of enervating, blase futbol that should have ended far worse than it did. Come on Leo, don't try to do it all yourself.

Starting XI: Ridiculously Specific Predictions!

The World Cup is about to start, and while we could easily review all kinds of facts, features and factoids from the last month worth of writing, let's look forward to exactly what we think will happen once the talk stops and the games start.

I. Group A: With all the hype and energy around the opening match, a potent Brazilian offense and intense crowd, Defender Dejan Lovren will make a badly timed tackle that gets an overly exuberant card and alters his playing style for the next match against Cameroon...the Indomitable Lions take advantage and use the win to knock out the Blazers and march on to the second round.

The unlucky goats of Holland

II. Group B: Strong though they are, a critical error in passing between Bruno Martins Indi and Stefan De Vrij opens the door for Chile to take a tie-breaking goal in the second half for Chile and send El Rojo through to the next round.

III. Group C: A late goal by unsung midfielder Abel Aguilar, makes no difference, as Colombia suffers a tough loss to Japan. But it does keep Colombia's goal differential positive and keeps Los Cafeteros moving on ahead of the Blue Samuri

IV. Group D: Uruguay's offense sputters in the face of a hobbled Luis Suarez, but worse still is the fact that keeper Fernando Muslera, develops a terrible habit of giving up equalizers shortly after La albiceleste grabs the lead. While he stymies Costa Rica after giving up an equalizer, the offense can't cut loose and grab the lead back. Last cup's dream team crashes out in a trio of draws.

Les Blus new favorites

V. Group E: Antoinne Griezman's fantastic play on the wing for France, leaves very few moaning about the absence of Franck Ribery, particularly as he helps Karim Benzema to a pair of braces in the first two matches, en route to a group topping performance.

VI. Group F: Carlos Quieroz has a magic touch at organizing defensive mischief, with complex alternating schemes that frustrate both Eden Dzeko and John Obi Mikel in a pair of stunning victories to put Team Melli through to the next round.

VII. Group G: US Media blows it's lid when the ageless Asamoah Gyan scores again to give Ghana ANOTHER win against the US, with Fox News even snidely suggesting that this is what happens when you hire a German to do an American's job--not that they care about soccer at all (until Fox has world cup broadcasting rights). The tune swings back when the Yanks stun Portugal with Jurgen being hailed as a genius and everything ends in a muted pfft when they drop the final match to Germany.

Lacen practices how to shake a spy

VIII. Group H: Medhi Lacen puts his name at the top of the KGB hit list, when he scores a 83rd minute equalizer to deny Russia an obvious win and boost South Korea in a quiet race for runner up.

IX. Round of 16: Pushed to Penalties by Colombia, a strong Italian side comes unglued when Andrea Pirlo pushes it over the bar, in echoes of Roberto Baggio 20 years before.

X. Quarter Finals: On the verge of a stunning upset, Belgium comes undone as the workload of Thibaut Courtois is unravelled in 5 minutes of sterling futbol from Lionel Messi...an 89th minute bit of impossible creation and a gut punching through ball to Gonzalo Higuin in stoppage time ends the Red Devils run.

Ending where we thought...
But what a ride

XI. Final Four: Aching and hobbled after a strong challenge in the semi from Benedikt Howdes, Neymar pulls a Ronaldo-esque flu story line into the finals. Like Ronaldo he isn't much help, but a stunning feed from Paulinho to Fred sets up the Cup winner over Spain.

There's our overly specific, outrageous and easily foiled predictions...but hey, it's fun to think about how it will all play out--especially when it doesn't.

Meet the Team: France

Nickname: Les Bleus derive their name from the permanent gloom and ennui that pervades their nation...oh and the flag...that too.

Ribery accpeting SPECTRE's
Employee of the Year Award

Star: Franck Ribéry might just be the Frenchiest looking French man we have ever seen. Honestly, between the close cut hair, the suave style and the fierce scar he looks like he belongs in a café, smoking a cigarette, debating the meaning of life and plotting to annex the world's means of cheese making. Fortunately he confines his dastardly plotting to the world of goal creation, and does so with aplomb.

Hip-Star: Pundits have tapped Paul Pogba of Juventus as the next big thing in French (and perhaps European) football. Of course that means he is SOO yesterday. Instead we recommend Antoine Griezmann who can play both in the midfield and up as a striking complement to his fellow La Liga attacker Karim Benzema. Of course, in the spirit of being French about it, don't mention his name right away, roll your eyes, mutter it offhandedly and then smoke your cigarette/candy cigarette.

X-Factor: France rightly deserves the title of Team Turmoil. Last time around they nearly staged a mid-tournament strike (and certainly played like the were more interested in riding the bench than running around in Africa). They (including Ribéry) been implicated in prostitution rings, the national association has been accused of having a quota on foreign born or Francophone kids. Even the good old days have drama attached (see: History)

The one image that unites
all three of these sections

Coach: In an attempt to reclaim their glory days (see: History), the French went to the well of former champions and hired Laurent Blanc. Then Blanc got caught in scandal (see: X-Factor), and they turned to Didier Deschamps, former captain of both the Cup winning and the Euro winning teams of '98 and 2000. He didn't get them to pass Spain during qualifying but a miracle comeback against Ukraine got them this far, much farther? Who's to say?


History: For a while the French and Spaniards were vying for the title of "best teams never to win the cup", then the French capitalized on home turf, winning it all in 1998 and winning Europe two years later (setting the tone of dominance the Spanish have emulated lately). But they tend to alter great performances tinged with drama (race relations and a title in 1998), with lousy performances and even more drama (crashing out in the first round in 2002 amid feuding players and losing even more in 2010 amid feuding players and coaches).

A bombe slightly smaller than
Monsuier Hollande.

Food: Do you have healthy arteries? Why on earth? There's French cooking to destroy those for you! Between sauteeing more or less everything in butter, coating everything in wine sauces and then injecting pastry with every flavor imaginable. There's no limit to the boundaries of French cooking, but since I'm not that talented, I'm going with a safe, secure Bombe Glacée...three layers of icecream.

Fool: It takes a special person out fool gnomish former president Nicolas Sarkozy and right wing nut Marie Le Pen, but fortunately President François Hollande is quite special. After all, overseas he's a modern day Rambo, and at home he's a modern day Warren Harding. The man's even scooting around Paris between the palace and his mistress, and that's not even the reason the hyper-tolerant French have given him the worst approval rating since World War II.

Best Case: Blessed with a fortunate draw (blame FIFA heir apparent Michel Platini), they cruise to the quarters, get a stirring win against the Germans before falling to Brazil and snatching third place.

Worst Case: It's Déja Vu all over again as the French fall to last place amid frustration and in-fighting, squandering a golden opportunity and losing Pogba to a career ending injury on the way.

My prediction: If it seems like Les Bleus always get the lucky breaks, it's because they do. Now they finally can capitalize on it. Those blessings should keep coming throughout Group E and into the 2nd Round against a less intimidating runner up than any of the other groups. Falling in the Quarterfinals to Germany, might not be ideal, but it's a good sight better than they expected after 2010, or even after qualifying.

Added Bonus: French Hip-hop is one of the best established brands in the Western World, and from that plethora of talent we choose Don Gyeco with "Dans Ma Rue" because he has an album cover that alludes to a classical painting. We are nerds.

Starting XI: January Transfer Targets

The clock is ticking away on 2013, meaning that it will soon be time to (1) stop talking about the World Cup in terms of "next year" and start talking about it in terms of "this summer", and (2) begin panicking about all the transfer moves to be made over the next month.

So we'll spend this month's Starting XI looking at likely folks to move, and next month we'll revisit our Starting XI "New Faces in New Places" post, to evaluate how well some of Brazil 2014's future stars have been doing.

I. Marco Reus (AM-Borussia Dortmund/Germany)
Joachim Loew's new favorite has been beloved by both local fans and national ones since his sterling performance in the 2012 Euros. A floundering Manchester United is rumored to be interested, and if Dortmund can't get their act together it might be in their interest to sell now rather than risk Reus walking away later.


II. Iker Casillas (GK-Real Madrid/Spain)
It's shocking to see Casillas' name on this list, but he has fallen so far from favor with Real's bosses (0 La Liga starts this season) that he may well need to move just to shake the rust loose before La Furia Roja's title defense starts this summer. (Note, everything I just wrote about Casillas can also be applied to Julio Cesar except, of course for the fact that Cesar doesn't play for the Galacticos, he plays for flippin' QPR! Why the hell?!?!? Okay, deep breath...moving on.)


III. Edin Dzeko (F-Manchester City/Bosnia & Herzegovina)
I saw Dzeko play against the US in a friendly last summer and came away thoroughly impressed with his pace and tenacity up top. Of course when you can buy more players than God that means relatively little, so Dzeko has gotten little to nothing in the premiership. The more he can play the better for his career, and the better for Bosnia's chances in a wide open Group F.


IV. Ivan Rakitic (MF-Sevilla/Croatia)
The stalwart of the Croatian midfield is another coveted target, despite a 40 million Euro buy out tag. With Croatia likely to tussle for runner-up against Cameroon, and Mexico in Group A this coming June, his form is critical to see. Whether playing alongside stars in Liverpool or Manchester helps him to spur his teammates to new heights or leaves him alienated wondering why all games can't be that easy...we will have to see.




V. Juan Mata (AM-Chelsea/Spain)
The superlative Spaniard has seen his time cut at Stamford Bridge, and could clearly benefit from some more time on the pitch if he wants to remain a key part of the Spanish starting XI. Juventus, Atletico Madrid and Paris Saint-Germain are among the big dogs sniffing around.



VI. Yohan Cabaye (MF-Newcatle United/France)
The English and the French have a tetchy relationship, but Cabaye looks to be going the way of Theirry Henry, straight into the hearts of every tried and true Englishman. Beloved in Newcastle, Cabaye is even more coveted by the likes of Liverpool, Arsenal and Paris Saint-Germain. Having delivered the Magpies first win in Old Trafford in 41 years, it might be best to bid "adieu" now before the relationship sours like so much Bouche de Noel.

VII. Jeremy Menez (MF-Paris Saint-Germain/France)
The love is less apparent for Jeremy Menez in Paris. Laurent Blanc is leaving him off the pitch, and soon national coach Didier DeChamps might do the same thing. If Menez can get back into form with Juventus, AC Milan or top of the table Liverpool, it would be a boost for him. (But whether or not any of those teams have more room is debatable).


VIII. David Luiz (D-Chelsea/Brazil)
Turning our attention away from Europe for a little bit, the core defender for Flipe Scolari's crew is set to be one of the most pivotal (if underpublicized) players at next summer's cup. Goals win matches, but defense keeps matches winnable. The 26 year-old Luiz is, by all accounts, being regarded by Barcelona the way that a sketchy dude-bro regards a sorority girl with a glass of "Hypnotiq" on New Year's Eve.

IX. Jackson Martinez (F-Porto/Columbia)

In the battle to become option #2 behind Radamel Falcao, Martinez may need a little more of a challenge to convince boss Jose Peckerman to trust him. He has been dominating the Portuguese domestic league for sometime, leading many to wonder how the skills would translate to a tougher league (and whether or not he'd get the chance to show them at already stacked Arsenal and Liverpool)


X. Lacinia Traore (F-Anzhi Makhachkala/Ivory Coast)
There should be a special category for African players who are trying to get out of Eastern European teams. Even if Traore is buried at the bottom of the Elephants depth chart up top (Drogba/Kalou/Geviniho/Bony all best him), Traore is on the upswing at just 25. He'd be similarly squashed at Man United, but Monaco could have some strong opportunities for him to grow and earn his spot as the next generation for the African powerhouse.

XI. Kevin De Bruyne (MF-Chelsea/Belgium)
If Belgium is the darkhorse of the cup, then Kevin de Brune is the dark horse of the darkhorses. Less renowned than many of his fellow Golden Generation members, he's no less valuable to coach Marc Wilmots, even if Jose Mourinho has only called his name twice as a starter this season. His suitors are lining up, with Bundesliga stalwarts Bayer Leverkusen, Schalke, and Borussia Dortmund right beside the surprising Atletico Madrid.

At this stage it's all still conjecture as to whether or not any of these players actually move. But by gum, it's fun to blather randomly isn't it!?!

In it, But Win It? #8: Born To Runner-Up

For some reason, thinking of the UEFA Playoff games always makes me think of the scene from the Simpsons' where perpetual over-achiever Lisa ponders a life of (relative) mediocrity.

Announcer: And now, Avis Rent-A-Car is proud to present the second best band in America. Will you welcome Garfunkel, Messina, Oates, and Lisa singing their number two hit, "Born to Runner-up". [Audience boos] 

Lisa: Why would they come to our concert just to boo us? 

Such is the situation for Europe's other qualifiers. You know, the ones who didn't win their own group but instead beat somebody else who, also, did not win their own group. After all, if you're African you once you win you have to keep on winning...but if you're European...meh.

Here now are some wholly inaccurate predictions about what will befall the next batch of Europeans to take their talents to the unamused masses.


Croatia
Contender Credentials: As one of the top 16 teams in the world, and a perpetually well prepared cup side, Croatia promises to be a tough opponent for whomever they're drawn with. They also boast a tremendous tandem in Midfielder Luka Modric (Real Madrid) and Forward Mario Mandzukic (Bayern Munich), that should scare anybody.
Pretender Problems: After a sterling run to the semi-finals in their debut in 1998, Croatian football has been rather similar to other ex-Yugoslav states (Serbia/Slovakia/Slovenia), and is still searching for a breakthrough to equal Davor Suker's run of glory 16 years ago.
Pie-in-the-Sky Scenario: Now that he's head of the Croatian Association, Suker can use all the team's resources to finance a time machine to bring a good chunk of the '98 team in to play alongside Modric and Mandzukic en route to another 3rd place finish.
Pits-of-Despair Scenario: Drawn with faster, more agile players, everyone other than Modric and Mandzukic chokes up and turns into a red-chequered pumpkin.
Prediction: There's enough talent to get one win here, and if paired with a less compelling partner (Iran/Algeria) that alone should get them 3rd place.

France

Contender Credentials: Packed with some of the best talents in the world, and now with a world class side in Paris-Saint Germain. France has plenty of people playing world-class football everywhere you turn, particularly in Balon D'or Front-runner Franck Ribery. Add in the gritty ex-champion manager Didier Deschamps and its hard to see why France isn't a frontrunner.
Pretender Problems: Then you remember that they're France, and its hard to see how they even got this far. They needed a miracle win with their backs against the walls to beat Ukraine, and they got it. They are ranked by FIFA as the worst qualifier from Europe and they play that way until the last possible moment, so maybe it's a little much to expect another final appearance without Zinedine Zidane.
Pie-in-the-Sky Scenario: Deschamps gets the whole team to bond through trust falls and campfire circles until they are a well oiled machine that dominates in Brazil and unites a fractured nation.
Pits-of-Despair Scenario: In fighting, racial tension and boneheaded play leaves them looking like a dog's breakfast on the world stage, yet again.
Prediction: As much as I mock the French, and boy...do I mock the French...I really do believe that they have a strong balance of talent, experience, youth and strategy. They just need time to gel away from the all important club season. Having done that they'll slip into the second round before falling to an upstart like Japan, the US or Ghana Round of 16

Greece

Contender Credentials: Perpetually one of the toughest outs in Europe, Las Hellas knows how to frustrate and aggravate their rivals to the dying seconds of the match. They refuse to let in easy goals and in a tournament plagued by new and quirky balls that puts them instantly in competition for a top two spot in the group.
Pretender Problems: While they don't let in goals, they also don't score many, having gotten 2 in all their 6 previous World Cup matches. Forwards are as rare a commodity in Greece as retirees who don't mind cutbacks in public services, and while defense wins championships, you need someone (anyone) to put it in the back of the net too.
Pie-in-the-Sky Scenario: Three straight nil-nil draws see them through a tough group dominated by one of the heavyweights.
Pits-of-Despair Scenario: Another tournament, another bout of defensively brilliant, offensively dim futbol and another fourth place finish in the group.
Prediction: Mostly underwhelming, with a few flashes of brilliance from captain Giorgious Karagounis' new mentee Kostas Fortunis which suggests better fortunes ahead. 4th Place

Portugal

Contender Credentials: Cristiano Ronaldo. Cristiano Ronaldo. Cristiano Ronaldo. Cristiano Ronaldo. Cristiano Ronaldo. Cristiano Ronaldo. The media's obsession with Cristiano Ronaldo. Cristiano Ronaldo.
Pretender Problems: The back line's best hope is the rapidly ossifying Bruno Alves, and the scrum of hum-drum goalkeepers is once again proof that no matter how good the chosen one is up top, he can't do everything himself. (At least, not until he finds a way to clone himself)
Pie-in-the-Sky Scenario: Cristiano Ronaldo clones himself. Portugal wins their first cup. Portugal becomes a model for economic/scientific/football genius.
Pits-of-Despair Scenario: Cristiano Ronaldo injures himself while pretending that he was injured by a tackle. Portugal is pummelled, the economy tanks again.
Prediction: Ronaldo has enough offensive fire power (especially with his pal Nani) to overwhelm a couple minnows, but then runs smack dab into an equally potent offense in the next round. Round of 16.

Starting XI: Our Favorites for November

Hey, how convenient, I need a list of 11 things for this month's starting 11 and there are exactly 11 spots left in the World Cup! Why not talk about who we'd love to see win those spots--most especially the underdogs who deserve it most.

I've crossed all my fingers for these guys.

I. Ethiopia over Nigeria--I've been meaning to write a profile on Ethiopian futbol and just how much I love their underdog story for months and haven't done it yet...sorry boys...but take solace from the fact that if there's one team I really want to see in next year's cup it's you. From coach Senwet Bishaw's history as Phy Ed teacher, to the national passion for the game (with over 1,000 local clubs it's second only to Algeria in that number), to the fact that they started playing the cup back in 2011. At that time they were 139th in the world, they ranked behind Nepal...behind Kazakhstan...behind St. Kitts and Nevis...and yet, they are still alive and all those teams (not to mention about 92 others) are gone. On top of that, there's a chance to embarrass the increasingly autocratic Goodluck Jonathan!!

They need to win by 2 goals IN Nigeria...so it's going to take some doing, but never, never sleep on the Walia.

II. Ivory Coast over Senegal--Strange as it is for me to write in favor of the underdog, I've got to toss in two cents for Cote d'Ivoire on this one for a single simple reason: they're the best that Africa has to offer. Rated in the top 20 in the world, filled with a line-up of potent and powerful players, they should easily be in line for a spot at the Cup and another dark horse label as Didier Drogba makes one last go of it on the world's biggest stage.

They need a win, a draw or a loss by a single goal (in Casablanca, Morocco, since Senegal is barred from hosting matches) for certain qualification

III. Tunisia over Cameroon--Fond as I am of geopolitcal rationales for who I root for and who I don't, Tunisia's a pretty easy squad to praise. One of two remaining Arab Spring nations in the cup, they're the only Arab Spring nation to maintain the veneer of moderation (as shown by people of all belief systems being pissed at the ruling party). Give the Eagles of Carthage a chance to develop a new strain of nationalist pride by booking them a spot in Brazil.

Having drawn the first leg in Rades, Tunisia will need a result in Cameroon to move on.

Sorry Bob-o, I've got to go against
you here...

IV. Ghana over Egypt--I've been to Ghana. I've lived in Ghana. I nearly died in Ghana (a little melodramatic maybe...but it was malaria and I had to be dragged to a doctor...if I'd been more stubborn things could have ended badly). Me pe Ghana, paa paa paa. (Plus, any nation that plays Shania Twain in public spaces as much as Ghana does has a secret affinity for us Montanans)

They've got a 6-1 lead over Egypt...it would take a disaster, or a Bob Bradley sized miracle for Egypt to reverse that lead.

V. Burkina Faso over Algeria--The Burkinabe are one of only two teams left in African qualifying who have never made it before. But unlike the Ethiopians, the Stallions have been rising up the FIFA rankings for several years now. They're ahead of traditional powers Senegal and Cameroon. They're a darling in the making and send a squadron of players throughout Europe to ply their trade. Plus, manager Paul Put needs something to hang his hat on, other than the unfortunate homonym-name game with the Cambodian warlord.

They've got a 3-2 lead over Algeria (who had their shot in 2010), so here's hoping Les Stalon can hold on for a draw or better in Blida

VI. Iceland over Croatia--When Burkina Faso and Algeria kickoff, the first of Europe's decisive kickoffs will  be happening in Zagreb for the second and decisive leg of Iceland v. Croatia. It's pretty easy to say that our favorite is Iceland. The only potential debutante left in Europe's field, Strakarnir Okkar (Our Boys) started their qualifying campaign ranked 122nd in the world...now, they're 46th. In their way are the Blazers of Croatia who have bored me since 1998...I blame the ugly checks.

Iceland had a better qualifying campaign than Croatia, they've got a higher profile star in Tottenham's Gylfi Sigourson, but they open at home and will likely need a draw at least in Zagreb.

VI. Sweden over Portugal--You can root for Zlatan Ibrohimovic who did this:


Or you can root for Christian Ronaldo who does this:

Yup go with Sweden

Portugal's quadrennial underachievement in qualification has yet to come back to burn them. If Sweden wants to keep the Selacao back in Lisbon, they'll likely need to spread a weaker midfield with Kim Kalstrom and Sebastian Larson. A point in the first leg would be a huge help.

VIII. Greece over Romania
I was all set to root for Romania, a chance to revisit the glory days of Georgi Hagi and the wild color wheel of a badge, it would be perfect. But did you know that Greece is higher ranked than France, Croatia and the Ukraine? Did you know that, rather than embracing the violent Golden Dawn neo-nazi political party, Greek footie fans attack Golden Dawn headquarters? Can you imagine how much the Greek economy would be boosted by cheap knockoff soccer things? (Probably not enough to eliminate the deficit, but still, it's a step in the right direction!

Starting in Priaeus rather than Athens (you know with all the fire/riot issues), Greece will need to start out well and hold off Romania in Bucharest in the second leg.

IX. France over the Ukraine
Sure France is another irritating side, but how would Americans cope with a world cup without fish-in-a-barrell "cheese eating surrender monkey" jokes. If the Ukraine is the price we have to pay...that's a pretty easy decision.

This is one of the most tightly contested ties, but it ends in Saint-Denis home of famous French triumphs (the '98 Cup) and infamous French triumphs (the Hand of Frog).

X. Jordan over Uruguay
Two easy deciding factors here: Uruguay has Luis Suarez, easily my least favorite player on the planet (both for his behavior and for the Ghana quarterfinal three years ago), Jordan has never been to a World Cup. Without doubt, Uruguay should win...but just rooting for the people who should win is pretty darn dull.

It's vital that Jordan get off the mark strong at home in Amman, Uruguay will have to come to them from all around the world. The better the home score the more work Uruguay has to do back Montevideo a week later. A good home win could seal the upset over a flat and inconsistent Celeste squad.

XI. Mexico or New Zealand?
I've been going in the order of the games until now...because I genuinely have no idea who to root for here. Do you root for the Kiwis: the apple-cheeked underdogs who have the longest most inconvenient route to qualification (thanks a lot Pacific Ocean) and yet were a tremendous threat in South Africa helping to undo Italy's defense hopes (always good for some bonus points in our book). Or do you root for a team with a greater legacy, a greater history, a greater need for this trip after a tumultuous qualifying campaign (and a team who...if not in the cup will likely depress revenues, ratings and income for everyone associated with the tournament--that's not the point of the games of course, but it would be nice if people weren't calling it a flop before it ever started). I genuinely don't know: Chicharito or Shane Smeltz? Either team would be fun to root for...until they face the US.

Starting XI: Nerdery Engage!

If there's one thing that gets me as nerdily riled up as sports, it's books. So October is just about the best time of year for me. There's the Major League Baseball playoffs, at least one guaranteed international match day, and the announcement of the Nobel Prize in Literature.


With dozens of teams still dreaming of qualification, there's plenty for international sports/book nerds to root for in the coming weeks. Including these 11 writers, who could give geeks like me not one, but two things to go crazy about in October (along with their country of origin and the most recent Ladbrokes odds in their favor)

Note, I only went with the authors with the highest odds who come from countries that are still in the hunt for a World Cup spot

I. Peter Nadas--Hungary 7/1

The artist: At once classical and experimental, Nadas is revered throughout the literary world as positively Proustian in his depth of detail and calibre of expression. As he builds conflict and division between people in our modern world, he also finds ways to bring them together, merging into a collective vision of humanity as shown in his novels, essays AND plays.

The odds of a double: The Magical Magyars are in the driver's seat for the runner-up spot in Group D, up a point with two games to play. Unfortunately up-and-coming Romania are set to face the bottom feeders of the group (Estonia and Andorra) while Hungary opens with Holland. Still, their recent 5-1 drubbing of Estonia (while the Estonians challenged the Dutch) suggests that they should not be trifled with. The biggest problem they both face is that favorites (both in futbol and in Nobel discussions) rarely win. How good are their odds of turning the double? About as good as Congress agreeing on anything other than the fact that America is awesome.

II. Assia Djebar--Algeria 10/1

The artist: The one African and the one woman on this list, Assia Djebar is the leading voice of passionate feminism in North Africa. Her novels address that feminist philosophy by casting modern women in a world immersed in traditional gender roles. Her debut novel (La Soif or The Mischief or literally The Thirst) earned her death threats for showing a decadent westernized woman in traditional Algeria. Her later work has been less controversial, but equally adamant about the role that women ought to play in an open society.

The odds of a double: Algeria opens against Burkina Faso around the time we'll hear about the Nobel. While the Burkinabe may be the most likely debutante left in Africa, Algeria has a little more international clout and a little more poise on the biggest stages. That combined with Djebar's own clout and poise suggest that the odds of an Algerian double are around odds that a Fox News Pundit screws up 8 Arabic names in 80 seconds.

III. Amos Oz--Israel 16/1

The artist: Oz has the combo platter of great writing and serious political clout. Both in his literature and his opinionated essays for Israeli newspapers, he advocates for peace and justice throughout Israel and the West Bank.  He remains prolific both in literature and in his non-fiction.

The odds of a double: Since the same people who give out the literature award give out the peace award too, the temptation to make political statements with both awards (as with Mo Yan and Orhan Pamuk) is pretty great. Meanwhile the national Blues and Whites have a pretty steep hill to climb needing powerhouses Russia and Portugal to falter while winning against Northern Ireland and in Portugal. Despite Oz's justifiable confidence, odds are only slightly better than peace breaking out in Gaza tomorrow.

IV. Milan Kundera--Czech Republic/France 25/1

The artist: Kundera's technically from the Czech Republic, but prefers to write, live and be recognized as French. One of the most popular writers internationally (based largely on the success and affection around The Unbearable Lightness of Being), Kundera's writing lives in the beautiful mixed up world between comedy and tragedy underneath totalitarian regimes. He writes to encourage, rather than pacify the reader's imagination, and in an increasingly literal world, that's rather refreshing.

The odds of a double: It depends on which country you want to go with. The French are sure of a playoff spot (and better if Spain somehow implodes) while the Czechs need to win in Malta and Bulgaria, while Denmark and Bulgaria lose both of their matches. While Kundera rarely disappoints his fans, the French and Czechs do it on a seemingly daily basis. So I'd say the odds are about as good as late night talk show hosts not making fun of the French.

V. Jon Fosse--Norway 25/1

The artist: Never underestimate the desire of Norwegians to award other Norwegians, all that nordic humility is thrown out the window on one day of the year--hence the tonnage of scandinavian laureates. Fosse certainly has Norway in his corner. He gets to live in a resident on the grounds of the Royal Palace, and at 53, he'll get to bunk with the kings and queens of Norway while watching people marvel at his ingenious dramas.

The odds of a double: The Norwegian national side has it all within their power with two matches against Slovenia and Iceland to break into the playoff picture, but the pressure on the Nobel committee to cast a broader net (and Fosse's relative youth and likely consistent status as a contender for the award) suggests that this may not be his time. I'd venture the Norwegian odds are about as good as the odds of American Cable news pronouncing a name with one of those slashy o things correctly on their first try.

VI. William Trevor--Ireland--33/1

The artist: One of the most acclaimed writers of the modern Irish era, Trevor is a grand statesman at a time when Irish writers could use one. 18 years after Seamus Haney won his Nobel, his forerunner, Trevor may be due for his turn at the podium. At turns Gothic and Chekovian, Trevor might seem to be  an imitator of the first rate, but that undercuts his strengths and inventions as a writer, offering a variety of protagonists, a number of narrative perspectives and a truly Irish sense of tragicomedy.

The odds of a double: Trevor may get some sympathy points for Haney's recent passing, but the boys in green won't. The Irish team will need something darn near approaching a miracle to beat Germany on the road and get a major goal differential boost to pass Austria and Sweden (assuming Austria beats Sweden as they need to). Their chances of turning the double are about equal to odds of Ireland running out of Guinness.

Who wouldn't want to rule that?

VII. Javier Marias--Spain--33/1

The artist: Marias is a man who thinks in terms of split identities in an ever changing and global world. He's also apparently the King of Redonda--a small island micronation that's not really a country or a kingdom at all, it's just a place where writers sit around and write and argue over whose in charge. At just 62 he would be very young for a laureate, and hasn't done quite as much as others on the list, but is already highly regarded in European literature.

The odds of a double: Naturally Spain is going to get in, they host bottom dwelling Belarus and Georgia and a win in either of them will put them in directly. Whether or not Marias actually has a shot to win the day this time around, he may help a double soon enough. I'd say there odds are about as good as Spain getting 8 goals in two matches.

VIII. Salman Rushdie--England--40/1

The artist: Rushdie is one of the best known writers on the planet. Being threatened with a fatwa by the Ayatollah will do that for you. So will being lampooned by Seinfeld when it was in its heyday. So are the great collection of best-selling, critically acclaimed works that make him a focal point of the press every time he publishes something, anything at all. He's a master of magical realism and a truly classic writer. 

The odds of a double: Gabriel Garcia-Marquez already has the magic realism medal, Rushdie's got that "always-a-bridesmaid-never-the-bride" air about him (like John Fowles and Vladmir Nabokov before him). And if there's any greater football choke artist than England I've yet to see them. That puts their odds of pulling the double somewhere around, George RR Martin publishing two books in the same calendar year.

IX. Leonard Nolens--Belgium--50/1

The artist: Little known outside of Antwerp, Nolens is a major postmodern figure in Flemish poetry. (I know, I know...so many great Flemish poets, so little time.) He has both an excellent poetic style and an insightful selection of journal entries that chronicle the artistic process. 

The odds of a double: Belgium is pretty clearly guaranteed a world cup berth, and Nolens is just the kind of underexposed European poet who is beloved by the Nobel committee. There are many better known authors in the running for the prize, but as any football fan will tell you, it's not always the best known team that wins. So I'd say it's about as likely as a show actually earning the title of "The New  Breaking Bad" in the next few months.

X. Ismail Kadare--Albania--50/1

The artist: The bard of the Balkans, Kadare, enjoys blending his own local mythology and modern social issues (such as dangerous and despotic regimes). While he has been exiled to France for undermining socialist status quo, he remains a beloved figure even though his recent output hasn't matched his greatest accomplishments. 

The odds of a double: While Kadare (by virtue of his high reknown and other glossy wins--such as the Man Booker International award) makes a good dark horse, Albania would be a jet black horse in the darkest cave on the darkest side of the moon. A win in Cyprus is likely, but they'd also need a win over front running Switzerland and stumbles from Iceland, Slovenia and Norway...eek. Turning the Albanian double is about as likely as Steven Segal starring at Stratford on Avon.

Really looks like a crowd
pleaser, doesn't it?

XI. Peter Handke--Austria--66/1
The artist: The controversial Austrian (who has frequently defended former dictator/genocide afficianado, Slobodan Milosovic) would be an odd choice for the Nobel committee, who prefers their controversial causes to have the backing of most UN members. But he did write The Goaie's Anxiety at the Penalty Kick which uses a penalty shot as a metaphor for criminal behavior.
The odds of a double: Between Handke's controversial behavior and the fact that Austria likely needs a win on the road against a leading Swedish side, I'd say somewhere around all my students handing every assignment in on time for the rest of the year.

Of course, Haruki Murakami is the bookkeepers favorite, Joyce Carol Oates is the pop-culture favorite, and the Nobel prefers to award literally anyone but the favorite. So realistically, it's better to be a fan of the futbol teams than the writers.

The Full 90: 2010/2011

Since we missed a chance to do a year in review, or a year in preview...how about we do both? With two halves covering 45 people, teams, places and moments that turned our heads in 2010, and 45 things to keep an eye on in 2011.

1st Half--2010

At the start of the year Egypt (1) showed us what we would all be missing in June by winning the African Cup of Nations (2). And while the Pharaohs would indeed be missed, you'd be hard pressed to say that The World Cup (3) was a failure without them. To be sure we might have been better served with them than with the whipping boys from Honduras (4) or North Korea (5). Speaking of the Red Robot (The coolest national team nickname of the year) (6) bad news for Kim Jong Il (7) and all fans of a free and independent press; the first live television event in decades, or maybe ever (8) ended with a 7-0 loss to Portugal (9) and professional tabloid headline/underwear model Cristiano Ronaldo (10).

Despite the triumph over the forces of evil on the pitch, Ronaldo lost a much bigger trophy--that of biggest goober in professional football to Wayne Rooney (11). You might recognize Rooney from his starring role in the Very cool Nike World Cup commercials (12) or, possibly, the bizarre Tiwanese computer animated recreations of his sexual exploits (13). Despite the monastic diligence demands of coach Fabio Capello (14) the Three Lions of England (15) were so distracted by injuries, Rooney and fellow horn dog John Terry (16) managed to barely scrape into the second round before getting positively throttled by Germany (16).

But protestations of English incompetence have nothing on France (17) and Italy (18). Les Blus quit on coach Raymond Domenench (19) not only mentally, but LITERALLY quitting and refusing to practice before playing South Africa (20) in their final (pointless) group match, the only Bafana Bafana win of the cup. Meanwhile, the Azzuri sleepwalked their way through two draws against Paraguay (21) and New Zealand (22) before losing to titans Slovakia (23). Point and laugh everyone point and laugh.

Okay, lets cease our focus on the idiots who lost, instead, lets remember those brave fools who managed to win in spite of everything else. Starting with Landon Donavan (24) whose last minute goal over Algeria (25) gave the USA (26) an epic win and begat the reactions that begat the Youtube clip that shut up the nation's soccer haters. Of course one could argue that Ghana's (27) win over us in the next round shut down the love affair, but I think it's probably still got some life left. Besides, as someone who was in Ghana at the time, I know it meant a lot to them (and this might just be my personal fandom highlight of the year (28) ):

While I learned to love Kevin Prince Boateng (29) and Andre "Dede" Ayew (30) I've got to feel for the truly impassioned (though slightly stubborn) Asamoah Gyan (31) who had the semi-finals in his fingers only to see them slip away. Of course, my personal tournament villain, Luis Suarez (32) helped with that. But no matter how much we may want to curse Uruguay (33) you've got to love Diego Forlan's (34) hair. Forlan led the way for exciting players captivating a world wide audience, and the raft of others including Mesut Oezil (35), Bastian Schwienstager (36), Wesley Snejieder (37), Keisuke Honda (38), Robert Koren (39) and David Villa (40).

Of course it was Villa who won in the end as the boys of La Furia Roja in Spain (41) finally lifted the World Cup over the perennial bridesmaids from The Netherlands (42). And while their party has lasted well into the new year, and the specter of insulting insinuations of corruption have faded in South Africa, Sepp Blatter (43) has gotten to appreciate scandal and innuendo anew with the awarding of the 2018 World Cup to Russia (44) and the 2022 event to Qatar (45).

2nd Half--2011

The awarding of more cups to future hosts gives us the opportunity to start looking forward into the year 2011 and the tonnage of events that will effect future world cup activities.

Start with the inauguration of Dilma Rousseff (46) the new president of Brazil (47). As the successor to the politician who brought back facial hair: Luiz Inacio "Lula" DeSilva (48). The good news for futbol fans is that Rousseff will likely continue most of DeSilva's policies. The bad news is that she's not quite as popular as DeSilva and might struggle to keep the construction/renovation of the 12 stadiums on track. Hey, why does that sound familiar?

But to start things off nice and easy we've got the Ballon D'Or Awards Spectacle on January 10th (49). Inside the labyrinthine secret lair of FIFA in Switzerland (50) the votes have been tabulated and soon we'll know who has pulled down the big fat trophies. The big prize is down to a race between Andres Iniesta (51), Xavi (52) and Lionel Messi (53). If you're noticing a certain Spanish flavor to that you're not alone. The world game is distinctly connected to the joys of paella and if you aren't part of La Liga (54) you're really just an after thought now (as evidenced by the fact that the three coaches nominated for Coach of the Year (55) all work in Spain). The equally enticing World XI (55) will be announced the same day: but only 3 players on the 55 name shortlist hail from somewhere other than Europe or South America. (Those 3 would be Didier Drogba (56), Samuel Eto'o (57) and, my favorite,

Michael "The Bison" Essien (58).) C'mon FIFA, no token rep for North America? or Asia? Sigh...

Well, Asia will just have to try and find a stand out starting with the Asian Cup (59). Kicking off in just 5 days on January 7th in the arab nation of Qatar (remember them? They're gonna host the World Cup in 12 years?). The 16 teams gearing up include relative minnows Syria (60), Jordan (61) and (even though I love them) India (61). But as the tournament unfolds keep an eye on the dogfight in Group C between South Korea (62) and Australia (63) (two World Cup teams will keep it interesting) and rising power Uzbekistan (64) (drawn into a weak Group A).

That final will kick off a year worth of confederation competitions building to the 2013 Confederations Cup (65). First Panama (66) hosts the Central American Cup (67) to pick up 5 teams to fill out the big dance: the CONCACAF Gold Cup (68) in June, where Mexico (69) will try to re-establish its dominance of the confederation. El Tricolor will follow that up with a trip down to Argentina (70) for the Copa America (71). Oddly, they'll also be with Japan (72)...why precisely Japan is competing for the title of best team in South America...well...uhh...I've got no clue. Just trust that one of the big powers will knock them out, with Chile (73) looking to be the feel good story of the year.

Throughout the summer there will be qualifiers aplenty for the 2012 African Cup of Nations (74) (to be held in Equatorial Guinea (75) and Gabon (76)) and the 2012 Euro Tournament (77) (in Poland (78) and the Ukraine (79)). But just in case you aren't in the mood for Mozambique V. Comoros on October 7th (80) or Luxembourg V. Albania on September 6th (81) don't worry there's plenty of other action to enjoy. Including the Women's World Cup in Germany (82), the U-17 World Cup in Mexico (83) and the U-20 World Cup in Columbia (84). Whether you want to try and spot up-and-coming talents (Alex Nimley (85) anyone?)or a host of women with enough talent and toughness to crush you between their little fingers (I'm looking at you Abby Wambach (86))

there's plenty of futbol to be enjoyed.

Kick back and enjoy the matches wherever you are in the world. Appreciate the patience and consistency of Ji-Su Park (87), the fine touch and goal scoring acumen of Zlatan Ibrahimovic (88) and the eternally entertaining Diego Maradona (89). Best of all...there's the Qualification Draw for the 2014 World Cup, on July 30th in Brazil (90)

Extra Time Predictions:

1: Argentina wins the Copa America at home...Diego Maradona pouts, Brazil goes crazy with the fear that they're in dire straits for futbol matches 3 years away.

2: The qualifying draw for the 2014 World Cup creates one very difficult qualifying group including both New Zealand and New Caldonia...the world press corps does not notice.

3: I won't write another post like this for at least a year.