World Cup 2018/2022 The Winners Revealed: A Live Blog!

11:30 ET--And with that our conversations have devolved into MacKenzie family hijinx. Including the invention of a new wrestler (Swift Justice, dressed up like a judge with the finishing move: "The Gavel") and continued berating of Alexi Lalas ("Why did ridiculing Fifa officials during the hour leading up to the announcement seem like a good idea?"). There's a lot to like about these decisions: it spreads the game to new parts of the world, it lets us all share in the fun, it may lead to great innovations in solar technologies for the Qatari world cup which benefit the world, and it stops Vladmir Putin from going on an assassination spree throughout Europe, which is also appreciated. There's a lot to fix too (Russia's venues being spread out throughout that massive continent, the fact that Qatar is...you know...Qatar) but throughout that time, we'll be here to analyze the World cup and all its ancillary silliness straight through to the end. From three Montanans lost in the lonely East, I'm Ben MacKenzie. Good night.

11:22 ET--Quoth Simon, who has just woken up and gotten the news: "Money always wins, and Alexi Lalas shoudl shut his damn mouth for jinxing us!"

11:20 ET--Meanwhile Qatar is going to have a 30 mile ring containing the best soccer players in the world (except the poor blokes from Wales), playing at Stadiums that they have to find a way to cool, and ensuring security at a level high enough to convince fans/corporate partners to buy in, while offsetting the lost alchohol revenue that's hampered by Sharia law...and then they will tear it all down and send it to Malawi

11:11 ET--Matt and I have been jibber-jabbering about the other issues related to this outcome, and we still think that England's been a little too smug in their bids. But all that can be fixed if Dame Helen Mirren sends out a come hither look. (Keep your Hiedi Klums, Charlize Therons and Nicole Kidmen...just give us the DAME!)

10:53 ET--All Xenophobia in this post was brought to you by George W. Bush's new memoir: Deciding Things, exclusively at Borders

10:51 ET--The award for first vaguely racist comment from Nick on ESPN's live chat: "Security nightmare 2022" Matt's rebuttal: "I would think that would be the one time it doesn't happen. 'Yo, let's go blow up a place!' 'Nah, dude...game's on!' "

10:50 ET--Before 2022, says Matt, "needs to improve its defense but it has tremendous upside potential and length"

10:47 ET--We should note that Matt's super-hot Scorching-burn on England was brought to you by TGIFs brand Jalapeno Poppers, available in your grocer's freezer section

10:44 ET--Matt says it best: "WOWZA!"

10:43 ET--Here again is Sepp doing his old man bit fumbling for the envelope and the winner is........................................Qatar

10:42 ET--Matt's gut is 1 for 1...he claims it never lies. (He also notices that England has a great deal of other things going for it...but it really ought to progress past the Quarter Finals in a cup held outside of England before we're impressed)

10:41 ET--Slightly awkward moment, Blatter thanks the losers...but I didn't hear him mention England...that'll teach you to criticise FIFA England

10:40 ET--Attention shifts to 2022, and the question is Qatar, Australia or the USA...but a little more blather before we get there

10:39 ET--England comes up short again...good thing Prince William got the proposal in before coming up empty here.

10:37 ET--2018 goes to.......RUSSIA!

10:36 ET--Blatter keeps picking up the envelope and putting it down, "and now, and now"...get it done SEPP!

10:35 ET--High drama has occured as I had to run quickly and do my actual job, but fortunately Sepp Blatter has been blathering. So nothing has been missed

10:30 ET--"Lazy Setup, brought to you by sonic Drive in. Sonic, we give you Dialisis" (Matt)

10:29 ET--Here comes Jerome Valke...the Jimmy Fallon of Fifa

10:28 ET--Here we go!

10:25 ET--Same logic holds for Russia, FIFA's attempt to deliver the deathblow to Hockey... Matt: "Soccer V.s. Hockey Deathmatch? I'd go with the Hockey Players."

10:22 ET--Quick debate, Matt: Does the world's most popular sport need growth?, Ben: Not really, but they'd love to have more countries like America who take a hosting turn and then become bigger consumers of the game over the next 20 years Matt: "So the Aussies are a more desirable target because Soccer isn't the No. 1 Sport behind swimming, Aussie Rules and what...Alpine Skiing? Quidditch? Mad Max Recreation Derbies?" Ben: "I think it's keg standing actually"

10:16 ET--Our colleagues at CNN (Aka Uncle Ted's Big Ol' House O' News) says that the announcement will be made at 9:30... Matt: "Way to build the suspense Blatter!"

10:13 ET--Our penatrating analysis (Matt: The Cup in the desert in the middle of the summer is a bad idea/Ben: And the idea of 9 stadiums with super huge air conditioning systems seems like a lot of electricity to use up for a supposedly "green World Cup")

10:11 ET--Our Mideast expert, Matt MacKenzie says: "just an oil deal, they happen at every meal"

10:10 ET--ESPN (the evil empire to our plucky rebel batallion) is reporting that there's a short delay, but Qatari bid reps are shaking hands happily....

10:08 ET--Wondering why things are still not announced, Matt's theory: Russian mafia pulling some last second strings, or Putin with a sniper rifle on a nearby rooftop, (Bourne Supremecy style)

10:06 ET--Matt and I once tried to launch our own cable news channel "MacKenzie Low Budget Sports"--stupid ESPN...their monopoly avoids soccer coverage

10:03 ET--And in 1 minute Matt has come to the same conclusion I arrived at over a month of research

10:02 ET--And Matt makes his predictions: "Here's my complete and total gut reaction prediction, which is based on nothing other than guts, know how and stomach-ness, Ready? 2018 Russia, 2022 Aussies

10:01 ET--And...they're late getting started...stupid Swiss...BUY A WATCH ALREADY!!

9:56 ET--Matt MacKenzie is in the house! This is his first live blog...mine too come to think of it

9:54 ET--And meanwhile in the 2018 race:

England (Our Bid Analyses) (My vote #1/FIFA #2)

Netherlands/Belgium (Our Bid Analyses) (My vote # 3/FIFA #4)

Spain/Portugal (Our Bid Analyses) (My vote #4/FIFA #3)

Russia (Our Bid Analyses) (My vote #2/FIFA #1)

9:51 ET-- Just to play an amusing game to pass the time, Here are the bids again as well as who I would vote for/who I think FIFA will vote for)

2022: Australia

(Our Bid Analyses) (My vote: #2/FIFA #1)

Japan (Our Bid Analyses) (My vote #5/FIFA #5)

Qatar (Our Bid Analyses) (My vote #4/FIFA #3)

South Korea (Our Bid Analyses) (My vote #3/FIFA #4)

USA (Our Bid Analyses) (My vote #1/FIFA #2)

9:46 ET-- In 15 minutes or so the world's soccer nerds will turn their attentions to Zurich in order to hear which countries have been selected for the billion dollar boondoggle known as the FIFA World Cup. 9 bid teams are dreaming and hoping of the day when the world will come to play on their shores (bringing lots of money with them).

Here at the Montana Hooligans' World Cup Center, we've (okay, I've) been analyzing the bids and have come up with my own opinions and biases...but the odds that my opinions and biases are the same as a bunch of sextagenarians in Zurich are relatively scant, so...take all of this with a grain of salt.

I'll try to blog as I see things, so keep hitting refresh, and hopefully witticism will come with it.

--Scruffy Rube

Meet the Teams: Nigeria

Here we are at the World Cup Cocktail party, hosted this year at the Tacoma Radisson of cyberspace: Google Blogger. You, my friend, are interested in meeting and greeting the teams vying for the World Cup in South Africa this summer. Having already accepted my sage crudite' advice (stay away from the raw broccoli, you will avoid embarrasing burp smells later), now please let me offer you a brief introduction to the most interesting teams in the room. I'll share with you the following elements: Pre-emptory Tomfoolery (a few jokes to get us started), Political History, Culinary Assets, a Sporting Preview (don't expect much, that isn't what this is about), and finally Recent Cultural Contributions. This way you'll have something interesting to talk about until the booze hits.

Now, back to the lecture at hand . . .

From Group B: NIGERIA

Pre-emptory Tomfoolery

This email is already making its way around the intertubes:

From the Desk of Nigerian Prince Johnothan Okoye, Your Assistance is Needed!!

Dear Sir,

I am Prince Johnothan Okoye of the Taraba People of Nigeria. My father, King Okoye, was deposed in 2006, and died tragically last year in a lawn mower accident. I am his sole heir. My father amassed a fortune while he was king and, in order to avoid the corrupt banking practices of our country, deposited it in several Romulan bank accounts. My family fortune, which stands currently at the sum of US $27M. (Twenty-seven Million Dollars) is currently being held at two separate banks in Romulus. I require your assistance in the retrieval of this sum. I need merely $5,234 US Dollars to pay various Romulan transaction fees. 40% of my fortune will go to you once it is retrieved ($8.1M), in thanks for your assistance to me. Further, As you know, the Nigerian Football team will be competing in this Year’s World Cup tournament. I am the spiritual and cultural advisor to this team, but am unable to travel with the team to this years tournament due to lack of funds. With your help not only will you and I enjoy a substantial monetary windfall, but I will be able to aid the team and the glory of a Nigerian World Cup victory will be assured. You will have your name inscribed upon the trophy in permanent marker for all to see and know of your goodness.

A friend who is a Staff of World Trading Center (WTC) here in Lagos made your contact available, knowing you to be a very savvy investor, with many brilliant acquisitions to your name. Please notify me of your acceptance to carry out this transaction through the above E-mail address or fax number. You should also note that the transaction would only take (14) fourteen working days.

You can also reply me to my private email address:princepumpthatbootay69@safe-mail.net

Warmest Regards,

Prince Jonothan.

American Suckers with ESPN (Also known as "the guys who still think Berman is funny" and "Wyoming") are already cheering for a Nigerian victory in South Africa. "Score that goal! Prince Jonothan is gonna make me rich! Ooops! Time to take my penis enlargement pills!"

Political History

Nigeria is the most populous nation in Africa (conservative estimates are 150 million) and is also one of the most ethnically diverse. It gained its independence from Great Britain on October 1, 1960. The extremely oil-rich Nigerian delta is Nigeria's principal natural resource, and for years the state controlled the oil industry skimming profits and hindering growth while the military ran the government. In the 1990s Nigeria transitioned into a representative Federal Democracy closely resembling that of the United States, with a bicameral legislature and a president elected to four year terms. Recently, Nigeria has modernized its economy, privatizing four major refineries and emerging as one of Africa's major economies. Of course, the Christmas-day Undiewear-Bomber was also from Nigeria. So . . . lets talk about food.

Culinary Assets

Since Nigeria doesn't have a lot of livestock, Nigerian cuisine typically focuses heavily on staple vegetables and starches: yams, cassava, okra, beans, lentils and rice. The coastal areas also specialize in seafood stews. One staple common throughout the country is the snack-food Chinchin, deliciously sweetened fried bits of dough:

A Sporting Preview

Group B fixtures: Argentina (6/12), Greece (6/17), South Korea (6/22)

Nickname: The Super Eagles (Yes, best team nickname so far).

The Super Eagles burst onto the world's stage and into the imaginations of two young boys in Montana when they dismantled a Bulgarian side led by the legendary Hristo Stoichkov 3-0 in the group stage of the 1994 world cup. Nigeria has boasted exceptional talent for years, winning the 1985, 1993 and 2007 U-17 World Cups, but have been unable to put it all together at the main-stage, emerging from group stage play in 1994 and 1998 only to lose their first games in the knock-out stages. The Super Eagles could not escape the group of Death in 2002 (Sweden, England, Argentina, YIKES!), and did not qualify for Germany 2006. Their qualifying campaign for South Africa was a microcosm of the team: an unfocused and lackadaisical start, followed by nail-biting tension as they managed to stay in the game, capped by a flourish of talent that made you wonder what they'd look like if they played that way all the time. The Super Eagles earned a spot in the semi-final of the CAF Africa Cup of Nations against Ghana (That's this Thursday at 1/28) by defeating Zambia on penalty kicks. Nigeria made all 5 kicks, and keeper Victor Enyeama shot and scored the final PK and then stopped Zambia's final shooter to secure the win. Strikers Obefemi Michaels (Wolfsburg), Yakubu Aiyegbeni (Everton - possessor of the best nickname in the tournament: "The Yak"), Center Mid Mikel John Obi (Chelsea, also known as John Obi Mikel, maybe also known as Obi Wan Kanobi), and Center Back Joseph Yobo (Everton-captain) are the stars. Ancient striker Kanu will also make the trip.

Recent Cultural Contributions

Nigeria has the third highest revenue producing film industry in the world behind Hollywood and Bollywood. "Nollywood" releases an estimated 25,000 new films per year, second only to the industry in India. Nollywood films are typically produced and distributed direct to DVD and have a distinctly DIY flavor. The movies are created on location, without sets, using digital video cameras and off the shelf film editing software. The subject matter ranges from pulp fiction to soap-opera style melodrama. Also, the trailers are hilarious, for example:

There is also a significant evangelical Christian portion of the industry, which has produced some unintentionally uh . . . results:

Hang on to your eyes, and go Super Eagles!

Next up from Group C: Slovenia

Meet the Teams: Uruguay

This is my first team profile. Here's what to expect:

-Pre-emptory Tomfoolery

-Political History

-Culinary Assets

-Sporting Preview

-Recent Cultural Contribution

Any on-field analysis will be kept to a bare minimum.

First up, from Group A: Uruguay

Pre-Emptory Tomfoolery

Uruguay will likely be the favorite in Group A for two sub-sets of the world's population: (1) Uruguayans; (2) American males age 13-29 accidentally tuning in to Uruguay's matches expecting to see "World's Strongest Man":

"Oh brah, I'm so gonna crush my deadlifts after we watch this."

"You won't crush shit, you homo. You R drinkin' Heinekien! Hey, what's this gay shit?"

"I dunno brah, looks like soccer."

"Who's playin'?"

"Uruguay and Mexico!"

/contemplative silence as all the bros watch the beautiful game for a few moments:

Then:

"LOL Dude, Uruguay looks like U R Gay!!"

"No brah, even better: Hey U! R U Gay? You are if you play for Uru-gay!!!"

"HARF HARF HARF"

"Change that shit to MTV, check to see if Jersey Shore is on."

"Aiight."

Political History

Perhaps due to the potential for rapid word-play with its name, in 2007 Uruguay became the first South American country to legalize same sex civil unions.* Uruguay is the second smallest country in South America with one of the region's most stable economies and governments. Which is sort of like saying "Uruguay is one of the brightest students in remedial math." Actually, they're doing fine, and have the 47th highest standard of living in the world. After gaining independence from Spain, Brazil, and Argentina in a military Royal Rumble reffered to as the "Guerra Grande" (Razor Ramon was eliminated by a flying Uruguayan Drop-Kick) a large number of Spanish and Italian immigrants came to the country. Current estimates put the percentage of the population tracing their roots to Europe at around 80%.

*Not at all due to its name.

Culinary Assets

Uruguay has earned a reputation for fantastic Asado:

Yes please, four of those.

I think we can all agree that Uruguay's elevation of barbecue to art-form status is a Culinary Asset. Also, they are big on Dulce de Lece which, literally translated, means "Caramel Crack".

Sporting Preview

Group A opponents: France (6/11), RSA (6/16), Mexico (6/22).

Nicknames: La Celeste ("The sky blues") and Los Charrúas ("The indigenous people of Uruguay"). I know which one I'm using.

Uruguay hosted and won the first ever world cup, in 1930. They won again in 1950. Two wins puts them in pretty rarefied air, but Uruguay's dominance was of a sport that doesn't much resemble the game played today. To put it another way, if Uruguay was an NCAA football team, they'd be Army.

Nevertheless, for a nation of only 3.3 million (500k less than Los Angeles) to even make the big dance out of the extremely competitive Conembol confederation is impressive in this day and age. Uruguay finished fifth in Conembol and had to beat Costa Rica of the Concacaf Confederation, in a home and away play-in series to earn their spot. Barring a surprising upset of France, or a classic home-cookin' loss to the RSA, to advance they will need to beat Mexico in what will likely be one of the most competitive final group games in the first stage. Of course, with a pair of strikers in Diego Forlan (Atl. Madrid) and Luis Suarez (Ajax) finishing likely won't be a problem. Do they play good defense? I don't know, they make mean barbecue, so they must be patient. That's probably a good sign.

Recent Cultural Contribution

Uruguay has given the world two prominent musicians recently: Jorge Drexler and Natalia Oriero. One seems to be a Latin American Jessica Simpson and the other is an Oscar-winning otolaryngologist who speaks fluent hebrew. You are free to guess which is which and to debate their artistic merits in the comments:

Exhibit A:

Spicy!

Exhibit B:

Thoughtfully composed after watching The Pianist!

So, that's Uruguay.

Next up, from Group B: Nigeria.

Oliver Reed would be an unkillable zombie.

Just read the obit:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/obituaries/celebrity-obituaries/5208355/Oliver-Reed.html

The man was a modern viking.

Plus he was in Condorman as the bad guy, that's him on the walkie-talkie, probably calling out the Prognoviach.

Why yes, this is the best movie ever made. Why do you ask? Isn't it obvious?

So while Fela Kuti was also badass, and his zombie spawn with Charlize Theron would be redoubtable, nobody kills* un-dead Oliver Reed but un-dead Oliver Reed thank you very much.

What does this all mean for the world cup? Well, of course, Oliver Reed was English and if the English National Team can channel his spirit, we're in trouble. Here's a graphic of what that would look like:

Certain doom.

So, here's to you Oliver Reed, you magnificent bastard. Please keep your spirit out of convenient European spirit channels (sprunnels?), if you do, we promise that when you rise from the grave we'll simply direct you to the nearest pub because your un-dead self will hunger not for brains, this much is certain.

/hat tip to the spicy living series at EDSBS: http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/?s=spicy+living

*Its hard to figure what the verb should be when one terminates a zombie. They are, after all, already dead. So technically one just doesn't kill a zombie, rather one re-kills them. But, kill just sounds better. KILL KILL KILL. Does anyone know if this issue has been addressed definitively?