NEW FEATURE: Texts and Subtexts

While most of the futbol-ing world has turned its attention to club season, some of us are stubbornly focused on international contests. Those people are: me, Panini sticker collectors, and FIFA executives.

So, on the off chance that people other than me want World Cup/International Futbol news even when there's a whole lot of time before any meaningful matches are played for Russia 2018, I'll be posting some key links about the World Cup, qualifiers, rumors, announcements, etc. every month--near the end of it.

But rather than just having a link blast, I offer an added feature: "Subtextual Reporting". Where I put other worthwhile facts and obvious thoughts/feelings of the key players into the most interesting article of the month.

This month I couldn't resist this article where Sepp Blatter announces his intent to run for another term as FIFA President, lauds the US's chances of hosting a world cup, and then passive-aggressively smacks down England.

First, Blatter is standing for another election, despite promises he wouldn't [because lying is actually a plus for FIFA politicians]. And with Michel Platini [who currently makes an obscene amount of money running UEFA] electing not to get elected [and inherit the corruption and mishagosh of Blatter's recent rule] Blatter is more or less a sure thing to be elected again.

King Sepp

He's rather pleased with the possibility of rounding out his next term with a vote on the 2026 World Cup [and all the associated pay-ola that goes with it] and hopes that it would go to the United States [because it would make FIFA a butt-load of money].

But my favorite part was the end

Blatter said: "It's not important who is the president of FIFA [so long as it's me]. If England wants to have again a competition then they bid [and tell their meanie-pants press to shut up] -- whoever is the president of FIFA [and it will be me]. And they should listen a bit about what is called fair play [the whiny cry babies].
"But, at least, don't forget that in football, you learn to win but also to lose [unless you are me...because I never have to compete so I never lose]. So, therefore, [to cover my ass] I appeal to all those to go back to the essence of football, and then you learn to lose [C'mon England, you know what that's like]. I have lost a lot of times [though it was so many years ago, I can't remember it] but, if you lose, then you stay there and you try to be better [or at least, more positive about me]. And then, stay fair, that's all.
"Fair play was invented by England, Great Britain -- the beautiful game and fair play [and stupid journalists who attack me]. So let's celebrate fair play [so long as I never have to do it myself]."

There you have it! The subtext of Sepp Blatter's recent clippings, all the truth, some of the slander, none of the responsibility. For more eloquent chiding of Blatter, check out the Dutch Welle's opinion section.

Uhhh...maybe...

The biggest news is all about the 2018 & 2022 investigative report submitted to FIFA by American Lawyer Michael Garcia.

--One British MP wants to use the report to bring criminal charges against FIFA leaders (good luck)

--In the wake of many many fans wanting to see the report FIFA leaders also want fans to see the report 

--But a decision from FIFA's own personal judge on whether or not any action is taken against those accused of corruption won't be heard until November at the earliest...and more likely spring of 2015.


MEANWHILE

"I must protect the Russian parts of that ball"

--The fate of Russia 2018 may depend on just how badly Vladmir Putin wants to destabilize Ukraine. The FA fears a boycott or removal of the games by FIFA, though all mutterings of a boycott are pretty much just that...muttering.

--When not fretting over whether or not they'll get the tournament in the first place, Russia is also mulling a way to get more competitive by 2018. Namely, they're considering having the national team play in league matches against other Russian squads (in 2017)...because how better to suit up for Germany than playing a bunch of guys not as good as you

--A former head of the German FA has said he doesn't think the World Cup will be played in Qatar in 2022...though not because of corruption, just because it's hot...

World Cup 2018/2022 The Winners Revealed: A Live Blog!

11:30 ET--And with that our conversations have devolved into MacKenzie family hijinx. Including the invention of a new wrestler (Swift Justice, dressed up like a judge with the finishing move: "The Gavel") and continued berating of Alexi Lalas ("Why did ridiculing Fifa officials during the hour leading up to the announcement seem like a good idea?"). There's a lot to like about these decisions: it spreads the game to new parts of the world, it lets us all share in the fun, it may lead to great innovations in solar technologies for the Qatari world cup which benefit the world, and it stops Vladmir Putin from going on an assassination spree throughout Europe, which is also appreciated. There's a lot to fix too (Russia's venues being spread out throughout that massive continent, the fact that Qatar is...you know...Qatar) but throughout that time, we'll be here to analyze the World cup and all its ancillary silliness straight through to the end. From three Montanans lost in the lonely East, I'm Ben MacKenzie. Good night.

11:22 ET--Quoth Simon, who has just woken up and gotten the news: "Money always wins, and Alexi Lalas shoudl shut his damn mouth for jinxing us!"

11:20 ET--Meanwhile Qatar is going to have a 30 mile ring containing the best soccer players in the world (except the poor blokes from Wales), playing at Stadiums that they have to find a way to cool, and ensuring security at a level high enough to convince fans/corporate partners to buy in, while offsetting the lost alchohol revenue that's hampered by Sharia law...and then they will tear it all down and send it to Malawi

11:11 ET--Matt and I have been jibber-jabbering about the other issues related to this outcome, and we still think that England's been a little too smug in their bids. But all that can be fixed if Dame Helen Mirren sends out a come hither look. (Keep your Hiedi Klums, Charlize Therons and Nicole Kidmen...just give us the DAME!)

10:53 ET--All Xenophobia in this post was brought to you by George W. Bush's new memoir: Deciding Things, exclusively at Borders

10:51 ET--The award for first vaguely racist comment from Nick on ESPN's live chat: "Security nightmare 2022" Matt's rebuttal: "I would think that would be the one time it doesn't happen. 'Yo, let's go blow up a place!' 'Nah, dude...game's on!' "

10:50 ET--Before 2022, says Matt, "needs to improve its defense but it has tremendous upside potential and length"

10:47 ET--We should note that Matt's super-hot Scorching-burn on England was brought to you by TGIFs brand Jalapeno Poppers, available in your grocer's freezer section

10:44 ET--Matt says it best: "WOWZA!"

10:43 ET--Here again is Sepp doing his old man bit fumbling for the envelope and the winner is........................................Qatar

10:42 ET--Matt's gut is 1 for 1...he claims it never lies. (He also notices that England has a great deal of other things going for it...but it really ought to progress past the Quarter Finals in a cup held outside of England before we're impressed)

10:41 ET--Slightly awkward moment, Blatter thanks the losers...but I didn't hear him mention England...that'll teach you to criticise FIFA England

10:40 ET--Attention shifts to 2022, and the question is Qatar, Australia or the USA...but a little more blather before we get there

10:39 ET--England comes up short again...good thing Prince William got the proposal in before coming up empty here.

10:37 ET--2018 goes to.......RUSSIA!

10:36 ET--Blatter keeps picking up the envelope and putting it down, "and now, and now"...get it done SEPP!

10:35 ET--High drama has occured as I had to run quickly and do my actual job, but fortunately Sepp Blatter has been blathering. So nothing has been missed

10:30 ET--"Lazy Setup, brought to you by sonic Drive in. Sonic, we give you Dialisis" (Matt)

10:29 ET--Here comes Jerome Valke...the Jimmy Fallon of Fifa

10:28 ET--Here we go!

10:25 ET--Same logic holds for Russia, FIFA's attempt to deliver the deathblow to Hockey... Matt: "Soccer V.s. Hockey Deathmatch? I'd go with the Hockey Players."

10:22 ET--Quick debate, Matt: Does the world's most popular sport need growth?, Ben: Not really, but they'd love to have more countries like America who take a hosting turn and then become bigger consumers of the game over the next 20 years Matt: "So the Aussies are a more desirable target because Soccer isn't the No. 1 Sport behind swimming, Aussie Rules and what...Alpine Skiing? Quidditch? Mad Max Recreation Derbies?" Ben: "I think it's keg standing actually"

10:16 ET--Our colleagues at CNN (Aka Uncle Ted's Big Ol' House O' News) says that the announcement will be made at 9:30... Matt: "Way to build the suspense Blatter!"

10:13 ET--Our penatrating analysis (Matt: The Cup in the desert in the middle of the summer is a bad idea/Ben: And the idea of 9 stadiums with super huge air conditioning systems seems like a lot of electricity to use up for a supposedly "green World Cup")

10:11 ET--Our Mideast expert, Matt MacKenzie says: "just an oil deal, they happen at every meal"

10:10 ET--ESPN (the evil empire to our plucky rebel batallion) is reporting that there's a short delay, but Qatari bid reps are shaking hands happily....

10:08 ET--Wondering why things are still not announced, Matt's theory: Russian mafia pulling some last second strings, or Putin with a sniper rifle on a nearby rooftop, (Bourne Supremecy style)

10:06 ET--Matt and I once tried to launch our own cable news channel "MacKenzie Low Budget Sports"--stupid ESPN...their monopoly avoids soccer coverage

10:03 ET--And in 1 minute Matt has come to the same conclusion I arrived at over a month of research

10:02 ET--And Matt makes his predictions: "Here's my complete and total gut reaction prediction, which is based on nothing other than guts, know how and stomach-ness, Ready? 2018 Russia, 2022 Aussies

10:01 ET--And...they're late getting started...stupid Swiss...BUY A WATCH ALREADY!!

9:56 ET--Matt MacKenzie is in the house! This is his first live blog...mine too come to think of it

9:54 ET--And meanwhile in the 2018 race:

England (Our Bid Analyses) (My vote #1/FIFA #2)

Netherlands/Belgium (Our Bid Analyses) (My vote # 3/FIFA #4)

Spain/Portugal (Our Bid Analyses) (My vote #4/FIFA #3)

Russia (Our Bid Analyses) (My vote #2/FIFA #1)

9:51 ET-- Just to play an amusing game to pass the time, Here are the bids again as well as who I would vote for/who I think FIFA will vote for)

2022: Australia

(Our Bid Analyses) (My vote: #2/FIFA #1)

Japan (Our Bid Analyses) (My vote #5/FIFA #5)

Qatar (Our Bid Analyses) (My vote #4/FIFA #3)

South Korea (Our Bid Analyses) (My vote #3/FIFA #4)

USA (Our Bid Analyses) (My vote #1/FIFA #2)

9:46 ET-- In 15 minutes or so the world's soccer nerds will turn their attentions to Zurich in order to hear which countries have been selected for the billion dollar boondoggle known as the FIFA World Cup. 9 bid teams are dreaming and hoping of the day when the world will come to play on their shores (bringing lots of money with them).

Here at the Montana Hooligans' World Cup Center, we've (okay, I've) been analyzing the bids and have come up with my own opinions and biases...but the odds that my opinions and biases are the same as a bunch of sextagenarians in Zurich are relatively scant, so...take all of this with a grain of salt.

I'll try to blog as I see things, so keep hitting refresh, and hopefully witticism will come with it.

--Scruffy Rube

MEET THE BID: AUSTRALIA 2022

Today we conclude our look at the 2022 World Cup Bids with a quick analysis of Australia's quest to host the cup.

Tagline: Come Play!

What the Tagline Should be: Come play, get drunk, see a bunch of nature and watch some football...you know...whatever!

You Tube Plea:

Pros: Australia offers a lot of the things FIFA likes best: a burgeoning market for its product, money, distinctive culture, money, adorable children who want to learn the game, money and pretty girls. (That's the problem with Qatar, not enough bikinis!) Other benefits are spelled out in greater depth in this video with (speaking of pretty girls) Nicole Kidman. Undoubtedly the most important benefit is the potential riches involved in turning a sports mad nation into a futbol mad nation. Do that and, in the words of Rod Blagoevich "YOU ARE F*&*ING GOLDEN!". Moreover an Australian cup would offer a small nod to the forgotten step child of FIFA, the Oceania Football Confederation (otherwise known as New Zealand and the Pips). Finally, judging by that promotional video, Australians have superhuman kicking abilities...it would behoove us all to stay on their good side.

Cons: That whole "burgeoning market" thing cuts two ways. While futbol's increasingly popular down under, it still trails Aussie Rules Football, Rugby, Surfing and Drinking Beer as the nation's primary entertainments. For better or worse, Australia is banking on the World Cup to spur interest in the game and push soccer to number one (I would mock this...but America's doing the same thing). Speaking of the land up over, Australia is generally seen to be in direct competition with the US (with Japan, Korea and Qatar, lagging behind). Normally, this would be great given international antipathy towards rewarding the US with still more money. BUT a quick look at the websites of each bid show a stark contrast in the reception the cup might receive in each country. Over 1 Million people have signed a petition on the US site, the petition on Australia's site has 325,000 (I know our education system stinks...but 1 Million is still more than 325,000...right?). And while Australia's connection with Oceania seems like a bonus, the recent banishment of Oceania's chief from voting on the World Cup host might turn that into an albatross.

Summary: It's a good bid, fair dinkum. But the lack of passion might bite them in the bum.

Chances: FIFA loves growing the game, so even with an uncertain national popularity, the promise of liquor, money and pretty girls, might make Australia too good to pass up.

Next Time on Meet the Bids: Russia 2018 (In Russian World Cup Bid...Futbol Plays YOU!!!)

Meet the Bid: USA 2022

Tagline: The Game is in US

What the Tagline Should Be: The Game is in all of us, and all of us are in the US, ergo, the game is in US.

You Tube Plea:

(Preface: I will try to be as neutral as I can...if I fail, I trust someone will tell me)

Pros: Strange as it may sound, America actually might have international interests on our side for once. If we talk about spreading the game around to every continent, then North America will undoubtedly be the most overlooked continent in 2022. Since the US welcomed the world in 1994 every continent will have hosted a World Cup (including Europe 3 times...not that we're jealous or anything). As the only North American country in the game, we've got continental rotation on our side. Moreover our last big sporting event on US soil was the Salt Lake City winter games of 2002 (though there's an outside chance that Bozeman might bid on the Winter Olympics in 2022...VERY outside). So some might say we're overdue (some might also say that we're a pack of imperialist dogs who want to rule the world...but that's for the con section). The stadia have already been built, the fan base has been growing with every world cup, the money should continue to flow, corporations will be on board and we offer more cultural diversity than you can shake a stick at. (Go ahead, try, you'll probably need a redwood).

Cons: Europe is going to get the games in 2018, and England is the likely front runner there, so the prospect of two straight cups that line the pockets of pasty anglos might get the diverse FIFA board to pass. (Though, to rebut that argument, so many companies are owned by WASPy types it doesn't matter where it's held Coke and Nike are going to get their cuts.) It also doesn't help matters that the game is still a niche sport in the US, belittled by the mainstream media, with a minute portion of the population that's really fanatical and no real club presence on the international stage. (Again, to rebut, we do love the World Cup because it's the best of the best...and we do like the best of the best.) Finally, we are a pack of imperialist dogs who want to rule the world (Rebuttal: PBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBT!) But seriously, the more anti-immigration we get, the more this World Cup bid sends a mixed message. (FYI: There would be scheduled games in Pheonix...would be pretty funny to see Lionel Messi deported for lacking proper documentation right before a match against the home team...scandalous...but funny.)

Summary: We've got the money, we've got the infrastructure, we've got the accessibility, we've got the continental politics, we've got the diversity and we've got Morgan Freeman. (He's not Mandela, but he has played him on film!) To be sure, I'm biased...but it's my blog...so pbbbbbt!

Chances: Let's say the US has as much chance of getting the 2022 world cup as your average sports talk radio guy has of ignoring the news that the US got the 2022 world cup...which is to say, REALLY DARN GOOD.

Next Time on Meet the Bids: Australia 2022--Why give it to America in 2022, when you can give it to America circa 1994?

MEET THE BID: JAPAN 2022

Tagline: 208 Smiles/Dream

What the Tagline Should Be: 208 Countries We Can Market our Electronics to!

You Tube Plea:

Pros: Did you know that Japan makes a lot of electronic devices?!? They do!! And they hope to make many more electronic devices within the next 12 years, which is just fine because the world plans on continuing to buy said electronic devices as long as Japan makes them. (This is all my snarky way of saying that Japan has the business might and economic infrastructure to host whatever they want whenever they can have it.) Japan also has a leg up in the competition based on being significantly less European than the WASP-y sorts who populate Australia and the U. S. of A. Add to this the stated goal of making life better for children around the world and FIFA can check off both the: "diversify the game" and "help the little children" boxes on its bid checklist.

Cons: Like Korea, Japan's got the not insignificant albatross of having hosted within the past twenty years hung 'round its neck. It also has the somewhat specious argument of creating great technologies if it is made a host. C'mon, Japan, let's not be coy, you'll be able to make money with those technologies no matter where the cup is and we will all pay you handsomely for it. There's also the somewhat weird suggestion that Japan will invite children from every country on the world to their country...making them the first World Cup host to model their bid on a plot device from Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory.

Summary: No doubt, Japan could easily host the World Cup, but based purely on the reports I read and websites I visit during my research for these posts (all 20 minutes of it), I seriously doubt that Japan will host the World Cup. They have no advertisements, make no big waves, merit no special mention in voting speculation. They could do it for sure, but whether or not they get the chance is another matter entirely.

Chances: About as likely as an eight-year-old farm boy asking for Sashimi.

Next Time on Meet the Bids: USA, 2022 (Won't someone please give us an international sporting event?)

MEET THE BID: KOREA 2022

Tagline: More Than a Game

What the Tagline Should Be: More Than a Game...it's also a Way to One-up Japan.

You Tube Plea:

Pros: Have you ever started watching a hit tv show half-way through? It debuted and you didn't notice, it was on-air for a couple years and you were always busy or watching something else. Nobody really talked about it except to say: "oh yeah, I love that show!"? Well in global affairs that's Korea...the How I Met Your Mother of developing markets. As the You Tube video explains (in the kind of perfect presentation style that I have to give an A for content), Korea has stability politically and economically; its infrastructure is great and it offers a flair of the foreign with the comforts of home (it's EPCOT-tastic!). Also, Korea benefits from its competition: with FIFA honor bound to give the 2018 World Cup to some pasty Europeans it may not want to give the following World Cup to pasty descendants of pasty Europeans (that means bad news for the US and Australia) and the fine-tuned precision of Kora's bid seems a better alternative than Qatar and Japan.

Cons: Only one country has hosted the World Cup twice in twenty years (Mexico 1970 & 1986...and they only got the '86 gig after Columbia spent all its stadium money on Carlos Valderamma's hair gel), most countries have to wait 60 years before they host again (Italy, France, Brazil) and while Korea's great, it might be a little presumptuous to assume they deserve it again so soon. Moreover, the "great fan culture" cuts both ways, if Koreans love football so much they'll watch even if it's not in Korea. So if FIFA wants to grow the game, Korea might not be its best option. (Also: where were the adorable kids in that video? C'mon Korea you're missing the appeal to our heartstrings) It also might be a little naive to assume that FIFA can solve the problem of North Korea by giving South Korea the World Cup (Can you see Kim Jong Il saying: "well, shoot! I was going to keep imprisoning dissidents and asserting my iron will until I died and handed over power to my equally ruthless son, but now that you've given a platform for my main rival to show the world how forward they are and backward I am...I guess I better start behaving!")

Summary: My snarkiness aside, FIFA loves feeling needed and relishes the opportunity to use sport for good. That humanitarian slant, as well as a distinctive culture, stable environment, and excellent footballing history makes Korea a serious contender for the 2022 cup.

Chances: It all depends on the tricky balance of "Pasty European Guilt" v.s. "Growing the Game". If Korea holds up enough pictures of adorable kids holding soccer balls and pouting they have an excellent chance.

Our New Look, Our New Mission, and the 1st Installment of Our New Series

Hey, look, this blog now looks like someone pays attention to it, instead of wallowing in the perpetual limbo of circa 2003 hipness!

Hey, look, someone's writing on this blog again after several months of absentee ownership (c'mon, man! Baseball was going on...I might love futbol, but I'm American...I've got to prioritize.) But now that distractions are (mostly) gone, we can focus in on the fun stuff like providing soccer commentary for the smart, and the smartasses of the world.

Hey, listen, I'm sure that professional league futbol is great fun, but it's not a passion here in the States. You know what is? The World Cup. So you know what we should do? Talk about the world cup some more!!! Sure the next installment is four years away. Sure qualifiers won't even start until next summer. Sure there's no way to intelligently predict anything based on anything, but since when has lack of intelligence stopped someone from posting things on the internet? (Case in point.)

So here's what's going to happen now, I'm going to spend the next 24 days in a mad dash trying to explain (in my most sassy of voices) what the chances are for each of the bidders involved in trying to get the 2018 and 2022 World Cups. Both hosts will be announced at the beginning of December which means I should be posting every three days.

With that, let's get cracking! (Just FYI I'm going to go in reverse World Ranking Order...just because I felt like it!)

***

MEET THE BID: QATAR 2022

Tagline: Expect Amazing

Real line: Expect Disappointment

YouTube Plea:

Pros: Qatar is the perfect bidder for FIFA's global domination strategy. Since 1994 they have assiduously tried to incorporate unlikely nations as hosts for the contest (the US, Japan/Korea, South Africa) the only two untapped markets are the Middle-East and the Arctic Circle. Since those damned lazy scientists at Ice Station Zebra were late in their paper work, Qatar has the leg up in the "new market" category. It also hits FIFA g-spots by providing allusions to luxurious accommodations, state of the art facilities, oodles of corporate sponsorship and children in need of athletic inspiration. (C'mon FIFA think of the kids!)

Cons: Qatar wants to hold the world's premier sporting event in a country that's a little bit smaller than South Dakota(boohiss!)'s Black Hills. It wants to have a host of elite athletes play a demanding physical game in average 106 degree temperatures (just what we need: more sweaty Slovenians). It wants to establish itself as a global soccer mecca despite a current FIFA ranking of #109...two spots below giant of the game: Barbados. The greatest player in their history is Mansoor Muftah, if you knew that before that video (and aren't Qatari), I will mail you some cookies. If you'd like to learn more about Mansoor Muftah, you might want something other than Wikipedia where the globe's geeks only came up with 4 sentences for him. Oh, and there were rumors about Qatar trying to swap votes with Spain and Portugal...so...their winning could raise some furor.

Summary: Qatar is easily the biggest long shot in the race to host the World Cup, and while part of me thinks it might be cool to see the game played on that stage, I think their best shot would come as part of a Middle Eastern group (maybe with Bahrain and the UAE?).

Chances: About as good as an ice cube on a Doha sidewalk.