Meet the Team: Australia

Nickname: There's a special place in heaven for people who combine the sport, and universal symbols of national identity in nicknames. On that score Soccerroo is about as perfect as nicknames get

Star: The striking talisman of Australian futbol (not football you Aussie Rules buffs) has to be Tim Cahill. The first Aussie to score in a World Cup match, the first to win man-of-the-match honors, the first to be a highly sought out Premier league striker, the first to be probably a little too old to have the same impact he once did. It's been a great run.

Adam Sarota...not that you've
ever heard of him.

Hip-Star: Rising star Robbie Kruse is out for the whole summer, and golden boy Tommy Oar is too mainstream, so we'll go with Oar's Utrecht running mate Adam Sarota whose midfield play will be critical if Australia is going to sneak any points from their Group B Rivals

X-Factor: General consensus is that an aging Soccerroo squad is out of their depth against one of the toughest groups in the whole tournament. Which means that to do anything Australia will have to rely on their rivals poor planning. Chances are that Spain won't overlook anything, but an optimistic Chile and declining Dutch could be ripe for the picking. (Emphasis on could be)

Coach: New man Ange Postecoglou has been on the job for six months and has one win in two matches to show for it...with his team playing on every corner of the earth, getting them together is a bit of a daunting task for anyone, let a lone a first time national manager.

Obligatory Cookie Photo

History: The recent golden boys (Cahill, Shwarzer and Kewell) served the Aussies well in Germany in '06 getting them a second round spot against eventual winners Italy and pulling themselves within goal difference of Ghana after a miserable 4-0 blanking by Germany in 2010. But now that Kewell and Shwarzer are out of the picture it's down to Tim Cahill to save the day.


Food: Tempting as it is to make this a shot at Melba Toast and Vegemite, I actually do want to sample some local favorites as each team plays, and perhaps the best bet on that score will be the Anzac biscuit, made for soldiers bound for Gallipoly, and now embraced by vegetarians everhwere.

Hey, I got a Vegemite burn in anyway!

Fool: Tony Abbott hasn't had enough time to make an idiot of himself, but the fussing and feuding of Julia Gillard and Kevin Rudd is about as entertaining a form of political theatre as you can find...provided you find the total aggravation of a national political system entertaining...and I do!

Best Case: While sight seeing near the amazon Cahill finds the fountain of youth, calls up Shwarzer and Kewell, dips Robbie Kruse's legs in to get him healthy and together they shove the line ups of Spain and Holland off a cliff...then they finish second and get bounced in the first round.

Worst Case: They mimic their 1972 fore-runners from the first Aussie cup team and come up pointless and goalless in three matches.

My prediction: No matter how sarcastic they are, no matter how frequently they cut me down to size, I do have a soft spot for Australians in general (as well as their beloved Soccer-roos). But in the brutal group B they have about as much chance as an untended baby in a dingo sanctuary. (Too soon?) I'll trust them to get a goal against a napping Spanish and Dutch sides, but beyond that they'll be the Bad News 'Roos. 4th in Group B--0 points

Bonus! Here's a top hit video from reknowned Aussie artists Hilltop Hoods, the island nation's entry in our World Cup of Hip Hop

Meet the Team: Argentina

To be fair..there is some white

Nickname: La Albiceleste (The White and Sky Blue) isn't exactly fearsome, intimidating or the least bit interesting, but it is uh...accurate...wait no...that's a navy kit...screw it.

Star: Here's one of the four names that American sports fans of all stripes would be hard pressed NOT to know already: Lionel Messi aka "The New Maradona", aka "La Pulga Atomica/The Atomic Flea". To put it simply: he's good, really good, probably the best player in the world, and has been for the last 6 years or so. He creates, he finishes and he has arguably the biggest target on his back of any player in the world, along with the crushing expectations associated with it. He was great as a distributor in South Africa, will the pressure to score push him faster than he needs?

Hip-Star: Obviously, everybody knows about Messi, and only poseurs would really think that Sergio Agüero or Gonzalo Higuaín aren't totally mainstream too. If you really want to show your awesomeness, Ezequiel Lavezzi who would be the top threat if it weren't for the three sell-outs ahead of him. The PSG striker can hang with the big guns, and makes an awesome threat off the bench.

Romero can't believe he's the
weak link either

X-Factor: There's no real concern with what the Argentinians are going to do offensively, and in their relatively anemic group, there's little worry that they'll be fine until the knockout rounds. But that's the point where goal keeping form will suddenly matter. Sergio Romero, the most trusted Argentine keeper isn't seeing much of the pitch at Monaco, and the others (Mariano Andújar, Augustín Orión and Óscar Ustari) are either older, far less familiar with international competition or both. The goals allowed against the likes of Iran, Nigeria and Bosnia/Herzegovinia may be telling in how they handle tougher outs like France, Ecuador or Switzerland.

Coach: Alejandro Sabella lacks a few things the last man to guide Argentina to the world cup had: international fame, a history of dating Madonna, a total lack of self control. But the phlegmatic new coach has been valuable to Argentina in a way the old guy (what was his name...Mara-donda?) didn't. Going undefeated against an increasingly ominous South American competition, and forging a firm bond with the maestro named Messi.

History: A pair of titles in 1978 and 1986 are the dominant laurels of Maradonna and Kempes' golden generation. Since they bowed out, however, they haven't made it past the quarterfinals. For all the furor around Messi and co, they need a little more hardware before they rank among the legends in local lore.

Breakfast with Argentina--
This on toast.

Food: With so many games being played in the afternoon, and lunch being the biggest meal of the day in Argentina the prospect of a couple empanadas and a cake with dulce du leche sounds great, though I'm not sure it could help me stay awake...I know, a glass of Malbec! No way that'll make me sleepy.

Fool: Christine Fernandez de Kirchner offers something of a cautionary tale for any politically astute wife of a former president (not that we know anyone like that). Sure she's got two terms, but she also has a rotten economy and a ceaseless run of corruption scandals to inspire protests against her. On the plus side, Pope Francis is both Argentinian and a futbol fan, so God might be on their side, even if political reliability isn't.

Best Case: Messi runs circles around everyone, and dismantles Cristiano Ronaldo in a quarter, Mario Balotelli in the semi, and Neymar in the final to add a third star to the AFA crest.

Worst Case: A freak samba accident breaks La Pulga Atomica's leg, and the despondant teammates sleepwalk to a stunning run of ties that leave them just short of the out rounds.

My prediction: While Edin Dzeko and Bosnia might sneak a point in the first match, Sergio Romero should get back into form throughout the group stage, and can probably handle the second round rival (likely Switzerland or Ecuador). The quarters is where things get interesting, and while I think they make the semi's, I don't think they go any further than that. 4th Place

Added Bonus: Our Argentine representives in the Hip-Hop world Cup are Koxmoz

Meet the Team: Algeria

We start our tour of the teams in the World Cup, we'll be glad to begin as we so often do around here with a would be cinderella: Algeria.

Nickname: Les Fennecs--A particular breed of desert foxes, Algeria's fennecs are rather cute and far lesss similar Edwin Rommel.

Islam Slimani

Star: Opinion is split but we'll go with Islam Slimani, the best hope Algeria has at the front of the attack. In only 19 matches he has 9 goals, quickly sprinting up the standings of the North African's top scorers. The reining Algerian Player of the Year has had a solid run this year at Sporting Lisbon, and could be poised for a great cup in Brazil.


Hip-Star: Forget the prodigies [Saphir Taïder (22yo MF at Inter Milan), Ishak Belfodil (22yo F at Inter Milan), and Nabil Bentaleb (19yo MF at Tottenham)], way too main stream. Besides Algeria's more defensive. We're backing the old hand Medhi Lacen whose defensive prowess in the midfield helps the protection. He'll never stand out on the score sheet or match report, but he's vital to the action

X-Factor: Algeria's chances may hinge on the attacks of their opponents. With Belgium losing striker Christian Benteke, and both Russia and South Korea emphasizing defense and creation more than finishing, there's a chance that if the games become a war of attrition or a battle in the trenches that Algeria can sneak through.

Sir Vahid

Coach: Francophone clubs around the world must be queuing up for a talk with Vahid Halildožić, after all it's not every coach that boasts a title like "Chevalier". But when you have an honorary title from the French Legion d'Honneur as a Yugoslavian football manager, hey you've got some pull. He's had tremendous success prepping Ivory Coast for 2010, only to get dumped before the big dance, now the Knight has a shot.

History: In three trips to the Mondiale Algeria's has never matched their showing in 1982, where they opened with a stunning upset of eventual runner's-up West Germany. Since they have only one goal in six matches, but in South Africa they managed an impressive 200 minute stretch of sterling defense where neither England nor the US could muster a goal.

Buy me a Merguez and Cracker Jacks

Food: Keep your brats and polish, when watching Algeria I'll be enjoying a Merguez sausage.

Fool: While there's a parliament and a bunch of parties, there's also a long ruling "President" named Abdelaziz Bouteflika. 15 Years into his reign there's a shut down press and a conspicuously boisterous demand for him to keep altering the constitution and ruling the country.

Best Case: A combination of Slimani and Belofdil provide the punch to balance the a still stellar defense and a stunning draw against Belgium is followed by even more astonishing points against South Korea and Russia, helping Algeria run to the second round.

Worst Case: An aging defense breaks down and the offense never picks up. Les Fennecs still don't score and but find a way to give up a couple and wind up bottom of the group (as most predict).

My prediction: Much as I want to see Algeria pull off a miracle run, even I have to admit it's extremely unlikely. My best guess, they get one great point in a crucial situation--and since they're an easy target, I'll say they take it from Russia. 4th in Group H--1 point

Bonus Hip-Hop Video: Algeria's entry in the World Cup of Hip-Hop: "Revolution" by Intik.

Starting XI: Getting Ready to Meet the Teams

It's a great big world, and a great big World Cup. Sure if you've made it to this tiny dot in the soccer writing starscape, you probably care more about Croatian goalkeeping than is reasonably good for a sane person.

However, on the oft chance that the all-powerful google kicked you out on this curb and you're just getting to know what soccer is and who is playing, allow us to welcome you in. Over the next month I'll introduce you to each and every team with information both valuable and moronic. Here's what you'll see this next month

I. Nickname: Every national team has their own little nickname to complement the country name. Some are fearsome "Les Diables Rouge"/The Red Devils for Belgium, and some are just based on colors "La Azzuri"/The Blue for Italy. We'll break it down so you feel like you're one of the core fans and can understand when futbol writers toss out references in recaps.

II. Star: While you need a full 11 players meshing together to succeed, soccer at this level is very much a game of stars (particularly when you watch it on television). This will be a nice spot to introduce you to the best player on each side--some of whom anyone with ears/eyes can recognize, and others you will get to know more and more over the next few months

III. Hip-Star: If you want to go beyond knowing who the rest of the world is talking about, this is where I can give you any hipster's favorite player on each team. These guys may fly under the radar, but that's what makes them inherently better than anyone else.

IV. X-Factor: More often than not matches are determined not by anything a team does on the pitch, but by what their rivals do to prepare (or not prepare for them). This spot will give me a shot to set up what else in the competition can boost and bomb a team's chances.

V. Coach: It never hurts to get to know the man in charge. Masterminds, tacticians and the plumb lucky will end up getting their due as well.

VI. History: The legacy of each team in the World Cup should be considered, not because the great-grand-daddy's of by gone legends will actually take to the pitch, but just because you can be certain that some one, somewhere has sepia toned memories of what was great (even if it wasn't)

VII. Food: Getting ready for the cup requires a couple of things--first and foremost is figuring out what to eat and drink while cheering your team on to greatness. I'll take a look at what's on the menu in each location and plot out my own Road to Rio...Bravo Weight Loss Clinic

VIII. Fool: Unfortunately, any time a national team does well they offer solace to the only public official who engenders more hatred than the team manager: the political leader. I'll give a quick rundown of the insufferable, moronic and generally loathe-able figureheads who will be in the luxury boxes rather than on the turf.

IX. Best Case: Returning to the old chestnut "In It But Win It" series from last fall, I'll run down what the best case for each team is...

X. Worst Case: as well as the worst case...

XI. My prediction:...before concluding with my own prediction for how things will really go

ADDED BONUS! I'll send you off from each post with a little slice of musical culture...specifically the closest thing to hip-hop I can find from each country.

See you soon with facts, figures, and fun-making for every team in this year's World Cup.

Starting XI: What Sochi 2014 Tells us about Russia 2018

We're rapidly approaching the kickoff to the World Cup in Brazil, which means it's just about time to look forward to the 2018 World Cup in Russia. Some might say that's premature, but some don't have our obsessive interest in the World Cup. And as an added bonus, we have a little extra glimpse into the preparations for the World Cup, in the Winter Olympics broadcast from Sochi this past month.

So we're happy to reflect on the lessons that the World Cup can apply from their fellow sportsmen in Sochi.

I. It's going to cost a bunch of money

Just think how it will go when there are 16 cities rather than one!

II. That money's going to people who already have a lot

This is where being an oligarch pal of Vladmir Putin

III. Coke will still get their cut

People won't like that, but it will happen.

IV. There may be threats

That's what you get in a semi-totalitarian state

V. There will be security

That's also what you get in a semi-totalitarian state

VI. Probably too much security

Again...semi-totalitarian state

VII. That'll make some fans uncomfortable

Right on!

VIII. Not to mention the athletes themselves

Though some Spanish strikers would probably fall down and try to draw a foul on the door.
IX. And who knows whether or not that will make FOX uncomfortable

FOX will be kicking off their ownership of World Cup Broadcasting rights with a trip to Russia...you know that center of all the enemies Americans have ever had (besides England), but as the Daily Show points out maybe they should be okay with that.


X. Which is okay, because Vladmir Putin probably wants a few fans to feel uncomfortable

Topless protests are encouraged.

XI. But the games will still go on...and we will watch them

Maybe we shouldn't, maybe we oughtn't, maybe we should take a stand, but maybe it's sports and we can make a point and have a good time all at once. Sochi was messy, awkward and conflicted, and you can bet that the World Cup will be all that and then some in four years time. But at the end of the day there will be things to cheer and things to question, and we'll do both.

Starting XI: February Transfer performance review

Back in September at the start of league play, I noted some of the most notable national team players who would try to parlay a strong league showing into a spot on their local World Cup squad. Halfway through the year, it seemed like a good idea to review performances and revise the list based on changes to whose in, whose out, and who just got moved.


I. Marteen Stekelenburg (GK--Netherlands/Fulham)
Holland qualified with ease, but Stekelenburg has been underwhelming to say the least for Fulham, which languishes at the very bottom of the table. Having ceded at least one goal in every single January match (37% of all shots faced), Stekelenburg is left splitting time with the slightly less renowned David Stockdale (conceding 35% of all shots faced). His spot with the national team seems sure, whether he's taking it easy during league play or due for a disaster is hard to say.

II. Pablo Armero (D--Colombia/West Ham)
[Replacing Fernando Amorebieta (Venezuela/Fulham)]

With Venezuela coming up short, we can turn our attention to the latest quasi-darkhorse darling of the World Cup: Colombia. Armero has been bouncing about in Italy and hasn't made many appearances lately for Los Cafeteros, but he pops up on our list because...well..it's hard to find great defenders swapping sides at this time of the year. Add to that some sterling performances in the Champions league (including a particularly fine shut out of Arsenal) and he may be a valuable asset off the bench in Brazil.

III. Dejan Lovren (D--Croatia/Southampton)

Lovren and Croatia have found a bit more attention after their initial lack of attention. One of the stalwarts of the Southampton defense has boosted the Saints to the top half of the league and a top 5 defense in the Premiership (with a Man of the Match honor at Anfield for his trouble). Meanwhile, the Croats are destined to have a serious spotlight on them as they kickoff the whole affair against Brazil. But the dark cloud amongst all the silver linings is the ankle ligament damage that will put Lovren on the pine for two months, and seriously set back his prep for the Cup.

IV. Joseph Yobo (D--Norwich/Nigeria) 
[Replacing Razvan Rat (D--Romania/West Ham United)]

Razvan Rat left West Ham (creating space for the aforementioned Armero, and on our roster it leaves room for the grand old man of Nigerian football: Joseph Yobo. With 95 caps, Yobo is the most capped Super Eagle of all time, and as the African side prepares to take on a pretty wide-open group (Argentina's likely but the battle between Bosnia/Iran/Nigeria could go almost any direction you please), his veteran leadership would be a plus. With only two caps to his name this season, more playing time will be vital to even book him a seat on the flight over.


V. Paulinhio (MF--Brazil/Tottenham)
As Paulinhio goes so go Spurs it seems. Playing most of his futbol in center defense, it's only natural that he's critical to the team's success or lack thereof. When he's rated 6.4 or better in the match rating scale: Tottenham has never lost. But when things go wrong (as in lopsided defeats against Manchester City and Liverpool)--he's in lousy form. Still, his power's been worth it for any self-respecting Spurs fan, and Brazil is in the same boat.

VI. Jesus Navas (MF--Spain/Manchester City)
On the right side of the pitch, Jesus Navas has been a bit less consistent than the defensively minded Paulinho. Though his highs are loftier (an utterly brilliant game while crushing Tottenham--and Paulinho), they are less consistent. Since a November burst of brilliance Navas has been more than adequate, but hardly the remarkable/transformational player some would hope for. A spot on the bench likely beckons--but since it's Spain, it's the rare person who wouldn't be bound for the pine.

VII. Emanuele Giaccherini (MF--Italy/Sunderland)
With their heads just slightly above water near the lower third of the league tables, the Black Cats are greatful for Giaccherini's good showings. He makes appearances all over the field, bouncing from the left side to the right, but never seeming fully comfortable in any of the spots. His form over the last two months has been terribly mundane to quasi-questionable, though it hasn't seemed to hinder Sunderland (who have lost just once in their last 9 matches). It's anybody's guess whether Giaccherini has done enough to merit more than a wary eye when Italy heads to Brazil next summer.

VIII. Jonas Guttierez (MF--Argentina/Norwich)
[Replacing Aleksander Tonev (MF--Bulgaria/Aston Villa)]

Playing alongside the veteran comeback kid Joseph Yobo in Norwich is the Argentinian comeback kid Jonas Guttierez. Although a little younger, Guttierez arguably has a bigger road to climb back from. Underused in Newcastle and blocked by seemingly half the country in the midfield for Argentina, it will take an impressive run of form for him to break back into the conversation. On the other hand, holy cow is that man huge...his chest is as wide as my refigerator and filled with much more ham. I don't want to tell him what he can't do, do you?

IX. Wilfried Bony (F--Ivory Coast/Swansea)
The Welsh team with huge dreams and (seemingly) a transfer happy management style to match, should be very pleased with Wilfried, who tends to make the most of his time on the biggest stages. Notching top goals all over Manchester he's been integral to keeping the Swans alive in the FA Cup. It's a little unfortunate that his best efforts have been wasted in losing matches, but there's every reason to hope that he'll be a vital part in keeping Swansea alive and urging Ivory Coast over the group stage hump come Jne.


X. Kostas Mitroglou (F-Greece/Fulham)
[Replacing Stefan Jovetic (F--Montenegro/Manchester City)]
While most of the players added to our little starting 11 here are of the "comeback" or "washed-up" or "who the hell knows" variety. Kostas Mitroglou is a sure thing. The dynamic Greek forward was a boss at Olympiakos. He was a boss in getting Hellas into the cup. And now he's off to Craven Cottage to slice up defenses alongside fellow transfer add Clint Dempsey. Given that the Greeks are best known for their defense (and crippling national debt debacle), his emergence as a strong attacking option is one of the biggest story lines to watch for one of the European darkhorses. That said, the Premiership is a slightly loftier challenge than the Greek first division...so here's hoping Kostas is up to the challenge.


XI. Andre Schurrle (F--Germany/Chelsea)
We wrote back in September that Schurrle is realistically shooting for a spot off the German bench. So it's somewhat appropriate that he's maintaining a spot off the Chelsea bench this season. He's made the most of a few big chances (including a great game against Stoke...which Chelsea lost) but has had to adjust to being moved back into Midfield. A little bit of flexibility never hurt Germany before (particularly in soccer and race relations), but there's still a bit to be proved before he's Die Mannschafft's favorite son again.

Starting XI: January Transfer Targets

The clock is ticking away on 2013, meaning that it will soon be time to (1) stop talking about the World Cup in terms of "next year" and start talking about it in terms of "this summer", and (2) begin panicking about all the transfer moves to be made over the next month.

So we'll spend this month's Starting XI looking at likely folks to move, and next month we'll revisit our Starting XI "New Faces in New Places" post, to evaluate how well some of Brazil 2014's future stars have been doing.

I. Marco Reus (AM-Borussia Dortmund/Germany)
Joachim Loew's new favorite has been beloved by both local fans and national ones since his sterling performance in the 2012 Euros. A floundering Manchester United is rumored to be interested, and if Dortmund can't get their act together it might be in their interest to sell now rather than risk Reus walking away later.


II. Iker Casillas (GK-Real Madrid/Spain)
It's shocking to see Casillas' name on this list, but he has fallen so far from favor with Real's bosses (0 La Liga starts this season) that he may well need to move just to shake the rust loose before La Furia Roja's title defense starts this summer. (Note, everything I just wrote about Casillas can also be applied to Julio Cesar except, of course for the fact that Cesar doesn't play for the Galacticos, he plays for flippin' QPR! Why the hell?!?!? Okay, deep breath...moving on.)


III. Edin Dzeko (F-Manchester City/Bosnia & Herzegovina)
I saw Dzeko play against the US in a friendly last summer and came away thoroughly impressed with his pace and tenacity up top. Of course when you can buy more players than God that means relatively little, so Dzeko has gotten little to nothing in the premiership. The more he can play the better for his career, and the better for Bosnia's chances in a wide open Group F.


IV. Ivan Rakitic (MF-Sevilla/Croatia)
The stalwart of the Croatian midfield is another coveted target, despite a 40 million Euro buy out tag. With Croatia likely to tussle for runner-up against Cameroon, and Mexico in Group A this coming June, his form is critical to see. Whether playing alongside stars in Liverpool or Manchester helps him to spur his teammates to new heights or leaves him alienated wondering why all games can't be that easy...we will have to see.




V. Juan Mata (AM-Chelsea/Spain)
The superlative Spaniard has seen his time cut at Stamford Bridge, and could clearly benefit from some more time on the pitch if he wants to remain a key part of the Spanish starting XI. Juventus, Atletico Madrid and Paris Saint-Germain are among the big dogs sniffing around.



VI. Yohan Cabaye (MF-Newcatle United/France)
The English and the French have a tetchy relationship, but Cabaye looks to be going the way of Theirry Henry, straight into the hearts of every tried and true Englishman. Beloved in Newcastle, Cabaye is even more coveted by the likes of Liverpool, Arsenal and Paris Saint-Germain. Having delivered the Magpies first win in Old Trafford in 41 years, it might be best to bid "adieu" now before the relationship sours like so much Bouche de Noel.

VII. Jeremy Menez (MF-Paris Saint-Germain/France)
The love is less apparent for Jeremy Menez in Paris. Laurent Blanc is leaving him off the pitch, and soon national coach Didier DeChamps might do the same thing. If Menez can get back into form with Juventus, AC Milan or top of the table Liverpool, it would be a boost for him. (But whether or not any of those teams have more room is debatable).


VIII. David Luiz (D-Chelsea/Brazil)
Turning our attention away from Europe for a little bit, the core defender for Flipe Scolari's crew is set to be one of the most pivotal (if underpublicized) players at next summer's cup. Goals win matches, but defense keeps matches winnable. The 26 year-old Luiz is, by all accounts, being regarded by Barcelona the way that a sketchy dude-bro regards a sorority girl with a glass of "Hypnotiq" on New Year's Eve.

IX. Jackson Martinez (F-Porto/Columbia)

In the battle to become option #2 behind Radamel Falcao, Martinez may need a little more of a challenge to convince boss Jose Peckerman to trust him. He has been dominating the Portuguese domestic league for sometime, leading many to wonder how the skills would translate to a tougher league (and whether or not he'd get the chance to show them at already stacked Arsenal and Liverpool)


X. Lacinia Traore (F-Anzhi Makhachkala/Ivory Coast)
There should be a special category for African players who are trying to get out of Eastern European teams. Even if Traore is buried at the bottom of the Elephants depth chart up top (Drogba/Kalou/Geviniho/Bony all best him), Traore is on the upswing at just 25. He'd be similarly squashed at Man United, but Monaco could have some strong opportunities for him to grow and earn his spot as the next generation for the African powerhouse.

XI. Kevin De Bruyne (MF-Chelsea/Belgium)
If Belgium is the darkhorse of the cup, then Kevin de Brune is the dark horse of the darkhorses. Less renowned than many of his fellow Golden Generation members, he's no less valuable to coach Marc Wilmots, even if Jose Mourinho has only called his name twice as a starter this season. His suitors are lining up, with Bundesliga stalwarts Bayer Leverkusen, Schalke, and Borussia Dortmund right beside the surprising Atletico Madrid.

At this stage it's all still conjecture as to whether or not any of these players actually move. But by gum, it's fun to blather randomly isn't it!?!

LIVE CHAT: The 2014 World Cup Draw

 

A Soccer Hater's Guide to the World Cup Draw

Okay, so we're big on the goofy glee that comes along with the World Cup Draw. My toes curl up and down with every potential permutation. But I'm fully and wildly aware that watching 95 minutes of highly choreographed FIFA frooferah, may not be the average American sports fan's favorite thing. So allow us to get you fired up with these simple factoids.

1. Check out the pretty lady.
FIFA understands that they are a collection of old, white men in suits, and, therefore, not terribly interesting to look at for an hour-and-a-half. Enter the pretty lady presenter. The equivalent of a lotto-girl for 90 minutes, only rather than some wanna-be actress down on her luck, FIFA brings in a gorgeous celebrity. This year it's Fernanda Lima, Brazil's leading actress.

Yes, she will be there with her husband Rodrigo Hibert, but worrying about whose wife your ogling is not a custom most sports fans are familiar with...so don't worry about it.

2. Hey, this music isn't bad!
In between staring at Fernanda Lima, and feeling kinda bad, but not really bad about it, you can listen to music from the leading star of Brazilian hip hop (Emicida) and the Brazilian Aretha Franklin (Margareth Mendez). Okay, and back to ogling Fernanda Lima...

Okay and on to the sports part of things

If you like the actual sports part of sports, you might want to know why all this matters. Well, lets answer that with an analogy.

Imagine the World Cup as an international version of March Madness. (It causes entire nations shut down, productivity to go down the toilet, normally sane people make totally inaccurate predictions, etc.)

That makes the World Cup Draw an international version of Selection Sunday. (You figure out who you're playing, and start to have a more specific sense of whether or not you can actually win).

If you like Selection Sunday, you should like the draw part of the World Cup Draw. Sure, part of the thrill of Selection Sunday is how quickly the tournament starts after it, and sure there's seven months between our draw and the actual kick-off. However, FIFA needs that time to make sure that fans can buy tickets, book travel accommodations, inspire Brazilian airlines to gouge prices, it is a slightly larger undertaking than sending a couple hundred college kids to Dayton for the weekend.

But the other fun part of Selection Sunday is the frenetic pace of analysis. So, if you like frenetic analyses, then here are a few guidelines to sound intelligent.

3. Fear the seeds: the mighty, mighty seeds.
The draw starts with Pot 1, this is host to the "Seeded teams", which, to American sports fans, might sound like "Number 1 Seeds" from the NCAA Basketball tournament.

That's because, it's EXACTLY LIKE the "Number 1 Seeds" from the NCAA Basketball Tournament. FIFA (the selection committee of these things) uses their own convaluted, quasi-RPI style ranking system to determine number 1 seeds. (Their formula is pretty brilliantly debunked by the BBC, the world's leader in nerdy Soccer analyses.)

But setting aside whether this is right or wrong, what really matters is who you get grouped with, especially because the last non-seeded team to win was Argentina in 1986, before the majority of young stars were even born. These teams are generally the top contenders for the title, so they can really damage your dreams if you get a tough one. There are 8 "1 Seeds" including defending champions Spain (i.e. Louisville), perennial blue bloods Germany, Brazil and Argentina (i.e. Duke/Kansas/Kentucky) and a couple of frequent contenders Colombia and Belgium (i.e. Syracuse/ Indiana).

That leaves two teams who certainly have their strengths, but are not guaranteed world beaters (the soccer equivalent of Pittsburgh or Gonzaga): Uruguay and Switzerland. Neither one is a walk-over, but they offer a much brighter glimmer of hope than the others. Plus, since in each of the last three cups two top seeds have failed to win their group, above average teams should keep their fingers crossed for the weaker number ones.

4. Beware the Mid-Majors/Cinderellas
The draw will continue with teams divided up by their continental affiliation first the Asian and North American teams, then the South Americans and Africans (plus a mystery European team...don't ask why), and finally Europe (which has the majority of teams in the tournament).

To continue the March Madness analogy, these teams are the squads who can spoil the party. Each continental conference has some teams that will need to get crazy lucky (Florida Gulf Coast style), and each has some legitimate sleepers (Butler style).

As each team is drawn they'll be put in groups alphabetically (A-H), provided they don't create a continental conflict. As a result, France and the African teams have to be set against Brazil, Argentina and Colombia (because Chile and Ecuador can't be).

If you don't know anything about soccer, and want to impress people who do (perhaps an attractive exchange student or a globe-trotting boss), then don't worry about the chalk picks from Pot 1: remember the cupcakes and the competitors that make the difference in each group.

Pot 2: Cupcakes--Australia, Honduras, Iran  Competitors--USA, Japan
Pot 3: Cupcakes--Cameroon, Algeria Competitors--Ivory Coast, Ghana, Chile
Pot 4: Cupcakes--Bosnia/Herzegovina Competitors: Netherlands, Italy, England, Portugal


5. Where You Play Matters Too.
While the groups are assigned alphabetically, the position in the group is a little more random. Seeds get to be #1, other teams are given a another random spot from two to four. Those spots determine exactly when and where each squad will play. So it's not just who you play, but which spot you land.

The road to the finals will wind all throughout Brazil, the fourth largest nation in the world (7 times larger than South Africa, 23 times larger than Germany) and the position you draw determines just how much you have to travel. Since teams like to set up a single camp as their home base and spend as little time on the road as possible, you can expect a few highly pampered international stars to have their preferences.

For instance, the lucky seed that gets F1 and can camp out near the relatively tropical climes running from Belo Horizonte, to Porto Alegre and then to Rio de Jenairo. However, hardest hit will be the poor shmuck who gets stuck with A2. They'll kick off the tournament against Brazil (with precisely 0 people cheering for them) and Antarctic winds cooling the stadium during the southern hemisphere's winter months, then fly four hours north to Manaus in the middle of the northern rainforest's rainy season, then have to go 4 hours east to Recife and the heat of an Equatorial summer. That's a lot less pleasant.


6. It's Smart to Look Ahead.
As the groups fill up, letter by letter, you can start looking not just at whose in your first group of four, but who your team might face if they qualify for the playoff rounds (the Sweet Sixteen).

Your first opponent will come from the group right next door (A v.s. B; C vs. D; etc.). And if you pass that, your quarter final rival will come from the next pair (ABCD in one batch, EFGH in another). Once you hit the semi-finals and finals you could be facing anybody, but by that point it's all a crapshoot anyway, so don't worry about that.

So, if you're rooting for the US (and if you're a typical soccer-hating American, I can't imagine you rooting for someone else), your best case scenario would be a group with Cameroon, Switzerland and Bosnia, but that doesn't mean doodly-squat if Spain's right next door and Brazil's likely to be waiting you in the quarter finals.

By the same token, it might be frightening to land in a group with dark horse Belgium, Chile, and Portugal. But if you can find a way through (hint--fluid passing v.s. Chile, scrupulously careful marking against Ronaldo) and find patsies like Uruguay, Switzerland and Mexico, you may be bound for the Final Four.

Hopefully now you have a little more reason to watch, a little more reason to care, and a lot of new ways to sound smart about the World Cup. And also...you know about Fernanda Lima

In it, But Win It? #9: Better Late than Nevers

There's a sad truth about the play-off games for qualification to the world cup: often times they are easier to win than the regular qualification stages themselves.

Think about it. You're several points down, thrashing and battling with a continental rival who knows exactly how you're going to play and what you're going to do, because you've played each other dozens upon dozens of times, and your players face-off in club leagues on a regular basis. Sure, you could grit your teeth and charge head long into the face of certain death.

On the other hand, you could shrug your shoulders, let your rivals win and not worry about it, because in one month you'll get to kick the snot out of a group of part-time semi-pros from around the world who will be happy just to shake your hand.

So it is with the last two teams who qualified for the FIFA World Cup. Mexico and Uruguay. Both are talented, both should have been in long before, both got to beat up on a pair of lesser luminaries en route to their eventual destiny.

(What is that destiny you asked? Allow me to make a wildly inaccurate guess!)

Mexico
Contender Credentials: Mexico is and will always be the class of the non-power associations. They have been the most consistently excellent team not from either Europe or South America. They make the second round every time out, like clock-work and have, in Giovanni dos Santos and Javier "Chicharito" Hernandez a prodigiously talented top two striking combination.
Pretender Problems: Mexico has been playing abysmally for the last three-four years. The once nightmarish setting of Azteca means nothing to their fellow CONCACAF foes and they look utterly baffled by any pressure or difficulty thrown their way. Mexican fans are already despondent about El Tri's chances (as one of my students said: "we don't deserve to go there...we just don't.") On that, we agree lad.
Pie-in-the-Sky Scenario: Enrique Pena Nieto swings a free trade deal with Brazil just in time to offer Mexico City "drinking" water to every other country's training camp. Montezuma's revenge leaves Meixco victors by default.
Pits-of-Despair Scenario: The team struggles to find their way out of their hotel rooms. The FA fires three coaches after each dispiriting group loss, and Mexico crumbles into their worst showing ever.
Prediction: Chichirito chokes on the biggest stage of his career, no body else has any idea of how to help. The ugliness continues 4th place.

Uruguay
Contender Credentials: The most dangerous team in South America: La Celeste combines all the creative prowess of three of the world's most feared strikers: Diego Forlan, Luis Suarez and (new gun) Edison Cavani. While the highly touted Brazil and Argentina went into South Africa as favorites, Uruguay was the only one still standing by the semi-finals, and pulled the same trick again in the Copa America.
Pretender Problems: Good as they were four years ago...it was four years ago. Forlan is on his last legs, Suarez has become the Diego Maradonna of his nation (both in talent and in bizarrely erratic behavior). The midfield is older and still underwhelming, so it will fall to the strikers to create their own chances...good luck with that.
Pie-in-the-Sky Scenario: Forlan finds the fountain of youth. Suarez finds the fountain of Adderall and a stout defense of Pereria and Caceras hold off all foes en route to a repeat of their last title...in Brazil...sixty years ago.
Pits-of-Despair Scenario: The magic is all dried up and they play much more like the squad that struggled versus Venezuela than the world beaters of 2010. Only now there's no Jordan to beat up on.
Prediction: Forlan has one shining moment, Suarez does something sketchy, Cavani looks brilliant but exhausted and only a group of death (plus suspect goalkeeping) marks them out as a stunning underachiever. 3rd place

In case you haven't been keeping score at home: here's how I've predicted the tournament before I know who will be on the rosters and whom will be playing whom.

4th places: Iran, Costa Rica, Bosnia/Herzegovina, Honduras, Algeria, Cameroon, Greece, Mexico

3rd places: Australia, Holland, Switzerland, Russia, Ecuador, Nigeria, Croatia, Uruguay

16s: South Korea, Columbia, Belgium, England, Chile, Ivory Coast, France, Portugal

Quarters: Japan, Italy, USA, Spain

Semis: Brazil, Ghana

Runners Up: Germany

Champions: Argentina

That would require pretty much, this exact draw:

Starting XI: Federation Badges, We'll Miss Next Summer

In our Happy Trails series we've profiled the teams who won't be at next summer's world cup, and in the process highlighted a few awesome federation logos of teams that didn't make the grade. In that spirit here's a special recognition for the well designed, if not the terribly talented.

I. Pakistan--I'm not sure if it's the flaming soccerball or...wait...no...it's definitely the flaming soccer ball. Pakistan's badge looks like something that would be batted around an MLS expansion team office in the late 90s. Only better because they all hold on to it.

II. Anguila--When Anguila was ousted I said that I shared the mourning of Three Dolphins supporters, not least because they seemed to have captured Flipper in mid-flip. I have expect the subtitle of this badge to be "So Long, and Thanks for All the Futbol"

III. Palestine--The Palestinian national side isn't so much a nation and isn't so much a side as it is a collection of people with Palestinian heritage who take time out of their doctoring, lawyering and all around livelihoods to play against the big boys of Asian futbol. Hopefully, some day, this logo is an aspirational target for young athletes in the disputed territory--the swooping arcs seem enticing enough to me.

IV. Azerbaijan--Similar to the Pakistani logo, I appreciate a little bit of the "ball on fire" motif. But it's nice that the Azerbaijani powers that be chose to have the ball falling rather than soaring, and allowed the flames to match the national flag.

V. Solomon Islands--The first of two circa 70's era emblems, The Solomon islands manage to work in the colors of the flag in a new and intriguing way while still having an ample amount of style (between the stripes, the stars, and the stylistic "S") it looks a little like a Cable News logo (assuming that all cable news was run out of the Solomon Islands)

VI. Czech Republic--National FA emblems are about the last vestige of the "animal rampant" style that dominates so may family crests. What's great about the lion for the Czech logo is both the double tail and heavy mane as well as the color palette mixing and matching red white and blue (even if it does skew a little too close to Pepsi for copy right lawyers.

VII. Dominican Republic--Speaking of the Red, White and Blue, here's another play on those colors from the Caribbean. Baseball is king in the Dominican, but soccer continues to make inroads. The structure of the FA's logo is unlike almost anything else out there. The cup looks aspirational (even if the "D" seems to have been an after thought), and the island outline in the middle of the ball is a nice way to make clear who is playing here.

VIII. Romania--One of the more recent eliminations, I'm a big fan of the Romanian spinning wheel of death motif. The whirling colors make for a nice piece of perspective, as if there's an entire universe spinning around the ball (something the New York Cosmos also use to great effect). The simple primary colors of the national flag, and the language surrounding the claim are perfect for a classic, timeless look.

IX. Benin--The second 70s era logo, Benin's choice uses the ball more pointedly than the others did, turning it into a "b" for "Federation Beninoise". I said when they were eliminated that it looked like a soccer version of the Montreal Expos, or Milwaukee Breweres logo, something that both covered the letters of the location and team and also evoked the sport (with gloves and balls implied in both)

X. Guatemala--The most decidedly postmodern of all the federation logos, Guatemala has a sweeping set of arcs that seem to be at once a parrot, a ball, a keeper mid-savea gigantic eyeball, or god knows what. Whatever it is, it definitely stands out and signifies that Guatemala is a serious country...for artistes nouveau.

XI. Senegal--Finally there's this from Senegal. Like Guatemala they eschewed the standard issue "letters and a ball" set up, for an implied ball that uses both national flag, the team mascot (a lion) and
a subtle connection to the African continent. It look slightly like an elementary art project, but that just reflects how soccer unites everyone and infuses a childlike joy.

So there you have it, the style champs we'll be rooting for on the Road to Russia