Meet the Team: Denmark

In this special weekly feature we’ll be introducing you to teams around the world, rather than have any kind of rhyme or reason to this we’ll be as hopelessly random in selecting the team we introduce and the way we introduce them.

Today, say “Det” to Denmark (That’s “Hello” in Danish), and to help us understand the team what better way to do it than through an interview with that legendary sports commentator: Hamlet! Prince of Denmark!

BMacK: Hamlet, you’re a legend in your own land, a prince, a scholar, a man for all seasons, and a former striker for Silkeborg IF whose winning goal against Brondby keeper Laertes won your team the Danish Cup. Welcome to the Montanan Hooligan’s World Cup Center

HPoD: “Why look you now, how unworthy a thing you make of me! You would play upon me; you would seem to know my stops; you would pluck out the heart of my mystery; you would sound me from my lowest note to the top of my compass”

BMacK: I’m sorry Hamlet, I thought I was giving you an adequate introduction, I-uhh...

HPoD: “Go, Go you question with a wicked tongue”

BMacK: Well...uh, okay, I guess the first real question is what lessons should we take from the Danish qualifying campaign. They finished at the top of their group and picked up a spot over traditional powers Sweden and Portugal with big wins in Lisbon and Solna. By all accounts that was embarrassing for the Portugese.

HPoD: “Their defeat does by their own insinuation grow./Tis dangerous when the baser nature comes/Between the pass and fell incensed points/Of mighty opposites.”

BMacK: Are you saying that Portugal is base and vile Hamlet?

HPoD: “I should have fatted all the region kites/With this slave’s offal. Bloody bawdy villain!/Remorseless, treacherous, lecherous, kindless villain!”

BMacK: Ooookay...well, let’s shift gears and talk about Morten Olsen, manager of the Danish national team and the longest tenured coach in the World Cup. He has been instrumental in building up the team and they’re even called Olsen’s Gang in the press. Hamlet, what is Olsen like

HPoD: “The king doth wake to-night and takes his rouse,/Keeps wassail, and the swagg’ring uprising reels,/And, as he drains his draughts of Rhenish down, the kettledrum and trumpet thus bray out”

BMacK: Really? I have a hard time believing that Olsen’s a hell raiser, but you’re the Prince. So I’ll buy it. Can you describe the Danish style of play?

HPoD: “The play’s the thing wherein I’ll catch the conscience of the king!”

BMacK: What the hell does that mean?

HPoD: “Denmark’s a prison...in which there are many confines, wards and dungeons, Denmark being one o’ th’ worst”

BMacK: Oh you must be talking about the recent shift in Denmark’s play from a more aggressive, 4-3-3 (4 defenders, 3 midfielders, 3-strikers) to a more defensive styled 4-4-2, or even 4-5-1.

HPoD: “Sir, I lack advancement”

BMacK: I don’t know about that Hamlet, sure they’re aging, but you have John Dahl Thomasson and Dennis Rommedahl up top. They both have some skills. and seem to be nurturing younger players like the up and coming Arsenal 21 year old Niklas Bendter. But alright then, thinking about the defense, who do you think is the star of the team?

HPoD: “Angels and ministers of grace defend us!”

BMacK: So you’re a fan of Daniel “Angel” Agger (of Liverpool) and Michael “Minster of Grace” Gravgaard (of Nantes)?

HPoD: “These tedious fools”

BMacK: Sorry, it’s just a little hard to follow with you talking all crazy.

HPoD: “I am but mad north-north-west. When the wind is southerly I know a hawk from a handsaw.”

BMacK: Oh, well since you put it that way...do you have anything else to say about the stars Hammy?

HPoD: “There be players that I have seen play, and heard others praise, and that highly, that...have so strutted and bellowed that I have thought some of Nature’s journeymen had made men, and not made them well, they imitated humanity so abominably.”

BMacK: Agreed, Christiano Ronaldo’s a tool. Okay, Hamlet, on to the draw, Denmark drew a tough group with the Dutch, the Japanese and Cameroon, what do you make of many claims that Danish Dynamite may not get through the first round at this cup?

HPoD: “Slanders, sir; for the satirical rogue says here that old men have grey birds; that their faces are wrinkled; their eyes purging thick amber and plum tree gum; and that they have plentiful lack of wit.”

BMacK: I agree, they aren’t the sexiest team, but the Danish are a great sleeper team.

HPoD: “To sleep, perchance to dream”

BMacK: Beautifully put Hammy, a close game against the Dutch could give them a mountain of confidence in the last matches against talented but inconsistent Japan and Cameroon, that can get them into the second round, and an over confident Italian squad may be ripe for the pickings sending the Danes to the quarterfinals.

HPoD: “Why, right! You are in the right!/And so, without more circumstance at all,/I hold it fit that we shake hands and part;/You, as your business and desires shall point you,/For every man hath business and desire,/Such as it is; and for my own poor part, Look you, I’ll go pray”

BMacK: While Hamlet prays for the best case scenario, I’ll sign off. For MacKenzie Low Budget Sports and the Montana Hooligan World Cup Center, I’m Ben MacKenzie.

Oliver Reed would be an unkillable zombie.

Just read the obit:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/obituaries/celebrity-obituaries/5208355/Oliver-Reed.html

The man was a modern viking.

Plus he was in Condorman as the bad guy, that's him on the walkie-talkie, probably calling out the Prognoviach.

Why yes, this is the best movie ever made. Why do you ask? Isn't it obvious?

So while Fela Kuti was also badass, and his zombie spawn with Charlize Theron would be redoubtable, nobody kills* un-dead Oliver Reed but un-dead Oliver Reed thank you very much.

What does this all mean for the world cup? Well, of course, Oliver Reed was English and if the English National Team can channel his spirit, we're in trouble. Here's a graphic of what that would look like:

Certain doom.

So, here's to you Oliver Reed, you magnificent bastard. Please keep your spirit out of convenient European spirit channels (sprunnels?), if you do, we promise that when you rise from the grave we'll simply direct you to the nearest pub because your un-dead self will hunger not for brains, this much is certain.

/hat tip to the spicy living series at EDSBS: http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/?s=spicy+living

*Its hard to figure what the verb should be when one terminates a zombie. They are, after all, already dead. So technically one just doesn't kill a zombie, rather one re-kills them. But, kill just sounds better. KILL KILL KILL. Does anyone know if this issue has been addressed definitively?

The World Cup Draw aka a chance to avoid work, talk about Zombies and worry that Joseph Blatter's looking for love in all the wrong places

Matt: Welcome one and all to the MacKenzie Low Budget Sports World Cup Draw Coverage, occurring simultaneously in Chicago, Illinois; Bowling Green, Ohio and Johannesburg, South Africa. I’m Matt MacKenzie...

Ben: And I’m Ben MacKenzie. We've got about two minutes before the soiree begins (though I don't know how quickly they'll get to the drawing We may need to sit through some cultural dances)

Matt: I've got the Fifa website up and it has a countdown clock to the draw, currently at 51 minutes. So yes, definitely some cultural dances

Ben: In that case we have no choice but to blather incessantly about both Soccer and the pomp and circumstance of what is, basically a glorified lotto draw. (And though we are both at work, we’ll both make time for the truly important things in life: international soccer, laws of probability and Charlize Theron.)

Matt: First question: I'm noticing something on fifa's website, can you describe the four pots?

Ben: The four pots are the four sets of teams which will soon be paired up into eight groups. No two teams from the same pot can face each other, and no two teams from the same confederation can face each other. That means that no African teams will face South Africa in the first round, nor will teams from South America have to play Brazil or Argentina in the first round.

Matt: And also that the best teams will only play one another in the more thrilling knock out stage, rather than the grueling group stage. But has this always been what they do?

Ben: I think for the last 4 or 5 tournaments. This is all part of an effort to give each confederation the opportunity to advance more of their confederation members. Our event tonight is being hosted by an attractive woman with a dress that looks like a leopard print tinged with teal and feather earrings, but before she goes to far we have an address from Nelson Mandela. [Awed silence as ...inspiration washes over us...until Matt has a sudden realization]

Matt: INVICTUS isn't about soccer. This has to piss off Clint Eastwood. You're promoting it wrong, Nelson!!!

Ben: HOW DARE THEY IGNORE WHAT CLINT WANTS!! I bet Nelson doesn't even plug the movie (the nerve of him, one little peace prize and it all goes to his head)

Matt: From now on the Group of Death is any dinner table where Clint Eastwood is sitting.

Ben: Well argued. I want to point out here that an important factor to note throughout the draw process is which group a team goes into as well as the groups next to them. For those of you who are fans of College Basketball you can think of this like looking ahead in March Madness...sure it’s great if you’re a number 3 seed, but whose the number 2 you’ll be facing later on? Each team will look ahead to consider not only the teams in their group, but the teams they might face in the round of 16, the quarter finals, and the semis in order to even reach the finals

Matt: Right. In the round of 16 and the quarter finals the top two teams in groups A & B are together, as are C & D, E & F, G & H, it’s only at the semi-finals that the best teams from A, B, C & D face off (or E, F, G & H). But we can guarantee that Argentina will play England before the final, they'll set that up right?

Ben: Oh, of course, they always do. (That was the whole reason for the Faulklands war, just to have a reason for more anger during Argentina-England matches)

Ben: WOAH! And we have our first terribly awkward moment of the world cup, as Joseph Blatter just said to our hostess: "It's easy to fall in love in Africa, when I look at you.......hehehe..."

Matt: Joseph Blatter has jungle fever, good thing he has a room named for him at the Mayo Clinic...in urology. HEY-OH!

Ben: NICELY DONE! And the MacKenzie Post Joke Celebrations are starting early.

Matt: So tell me who the favorites are? Spain & Brasil, that's the consesus right?

Ben: Yeah, but I'll go ahead and say that it's got to be Brasil No European team has won the World Cup outside of Europe

Matt: Bah.

Ben: If it's in North America, South America or Asia, it's always been Brazil/Argentina

Matt: double bah, and triple humbug

Ben: Well argued

Matt: That's kind of like the stat that people throw out in the baseball postseason like: The Yankees have never lost a series when up 3-0: different players, different teams, you can’t assume it will hold true.

Ben: That's true, on an unrelated side note, this show is like crack for world music nerds like me, Angelique Kidjo is singing now and if Youssa N'Dour turns up to make this a duet I might pass out from joy.

Matt: I surmised as much. What about Fela Kuti? Is he dead yet?

Ben: Yeah, I think he's actually been dead for a while

Matt: Then it would be super awesome if he showed up. Zombie Fela Kuti would be the baddest Zombie ever. Correction, Zombie Oliver Reed would be badder.

Ben: Of course, zombies make everything better (and in an intriguing side note: Zombie is actually an African word. It referred not only to those raised from the dead by black magic, but collaborators with slave traders) And what’s more one of Fela’s best songs was actually called: Zombie!

Matt: I DID NOT KNOW THAT, thank you Nerd.

Ben: And now Charlize Theron...

Matt: So hot.

Ben: Charlize Theron’s hotness is palpable and it comes from a very special place. Could you telestrate that Matt?

Matt: I can try Ben. Look at this picture of Charlize Theron. Sure there’s a smile, a cheery disposition, and a passion for sports. But there’s also a sense of humor. Don’t forget this woman followed up winning an academy award for playing a serial killer by playing Jason Bateman’s love interest on Arrested Development. Beauty, humor and a fondness for sport. Gentlemen begin your drooling.

Ben: I like that the Fifa World cup draw manages to become a lotto draw with the hottest women in the entire country making the announcements. Also worth noting, is that Theron, during rehearsals yesterday pulled out France's name and said: "Ireland". TAKE THAT THIERRY HENRY!!

Matt: Ha ha ha. Okay Ben, who is your dark horse pick?

Ben: Well, the popular dark horse is Cote D'Ivoire, with the immensely talented Didier Drogba and the Toure brothers. But, as a man whose been there I'll go with Ghana.

Matt: Now, is Ghana a heart pick or is that your real dark horse?

Ben: Mostly the heart, but depending on the draw they can actually make it happen

Matt: Fair enough. I'm pretending that I'm the Predictatron 6000 and am not biased in any way. My dark horse is . . .USA!

Ben: Oh Predictatron 6000 will you ever learn?

Matt: No, I don't really know enough to make any informed opinions. I'm like a babe in the woods here. Like a Blatter at a Sorority sleepover.

Ben: Then you’re just as qualified as 90% of ESPN.

Matt: Now who do you think is due for a run?

Ben: I would say (as everyone says) that England is due. They have the highest quality league in the world and their players are in constant competition with the world's best. They had a stellar qualifying campaign, but they've only made one semi in the past 50 years...I would also very much like the Dutch to win, but they often underperform, and Spain, even though they’re the favorites, they fold faster than a 2-7 off suit. One final note as we’re about ready to begin, (after they finish explaining a draw that’s more complicated than health care legislation) I think that Zombie Charlize Theorn and Zombie Fela Kunti's baby might have be able to kill Zombie Oliver Reed)

Matt: Only if the zombie baby drank four pints an hour.

Ben: He might be able to manage that, I’m sure zombie Charlize would just give the kid some pints o' blood and brains and he's happy.

Matt: So we start by drawing all the names from pot one first, as they’re drawn so shall they be listed from A-H. Interesting. Top half going towards the first semi-final: South Africa, Argentina, England & Germany. In the bottom half: Netherlands, Italy, Brazil and Spain.

Ben: Dang, I step away for a minute and a lot happens, I think that draw plays out nicely for England and Germany with neither South Africa nor Argentina playing their best right now. Without knowing anything else, they have a road with a potentially easy semi match (if they can get there) Meanwhile the two best teams right now (Brazil and Spain) are bound for (at best) a quarterfinal tussle.

Matt: On to the second pot, that includes North America, Asia, Asian wannabe Australia and New Zealand. And right away we’ve got Mexico in A, and South Korea in B. Mexico is a better team than South Africa, not so sure about Korea and Argentina.

Ben: Bad news for Americans the two easier top seeds are gone which means........SHIT! SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!

Matt: Eeesh.

Ben: DAMMIT!!! Well...we drew England, and we get them first and I think we’re bound for another group of death...

Matt: I think you’re too quick to judge. We could still take 2nd depending on the rest of the draw. Plus, England always has so much freaking pressure, maybe we'll pull the upset. But I have to say, I don't like Australia in Group D either, no easy going for Germany yet.

Ben: You're absolutely right, meanwhile Theron just keeps mocking the French guy. Quoth Frenchie to Charlize: "Did you know US played England in 1950, do you remember that?" The look on Theron’s face is just a priceless “WTF, do I look 70 to you?”)

Matt: I'm calling Group E right now as the Group Of Death.

Ben: With Nederlands and Japan? Makes sense, them or C or D. Italy and Brazil get New Zealand and North Korea which leaves Spain with Honduras. Two minnows not likely to scare the last two champs and favorites Spain should handle Honduras.

Matt: Group E is going to get an african heavyweight: Ghana or Cote D'Ivoire. That's predictotron 6000 logic.

Ben: Well done Predictatron. Meanwhile, we head on to Pot 3 the Africans and South Americans, so the fist two African teams drawn will face Argentina and Brazil respectively, while the first South American team to come up gets South Africa. (Thus avoiding the potential continental conflicts). Remember given the right draw Ivory Coast could have a run to the finals in them (so Argentina would be great) But it’s Nigeria with Argentina and...oh man! much harder run for Ivory Coast going through Brazil (possibly twice) and Spain

Matt: Now Algeria joins group C, and Algeria I'll take, meanwhile Group D is looking awfully Scythe toting (Ghana gets it again).

Ben: Agreed, Australia's the class of the Asian Confederation, Germany is always tough, Ghana's hard too, their title as group of Death depends on the other European. Predictatron may still be right since Cameroon isn't bad in Group E.

Matt: Yeah, but D is just looking monsterous, meanwhile Spain essentially has a bye

Ben: I’m not so sure, Chile has actually done well of late and a lot of people think they could be dangerous. We’re through pot 3 and on to the last set of teams to draw, the Europeans in pot 4, led by the dangerous French and Portuguese (as well as Greeks and Danes), these will be drawn A-H, and I still think that Mexico has a semi-descent shot at a surprise run to the semis...OH HELL NO!

Matt: France gets grouped with Mexico.

Ben: I know that Everybody's saying that France will have something to prove

Matt: Slovenia! Ha! we ducked Greece and got Slovenia

Ben: We’ve got a shot, we just need to not hate ourself after that match against England, and stay positive during those last two matches. A draw and a win after England could be enough to put us in the round of 16.

Matt: The problem is that whoever comes out of Group D: at both spots is going to be a beast

Ben: Dammit, you’re right D's gotta be the scythe toter, I think we might want to hope for the Aussies or Ghana, we can catch either of those teams but a tough physical Serbian team....Not our cup of tea

Matt: And Germany?

Ben: Yeah...I don't even want to think about that...disciplined sides that don't make mistakes, not our favorite

Matt: Well, they still have to actually play the games.

Ben: That's true, there's a looong time to come before then

Matt: In the time we’ve been away, the Danes and Slovaks joined groups E and F, and now PORTUGAL!

Ben: G looks pretty deadly Poor North Korea

Matt: Hey baby, at least they get to leave their godforsaken minestrewn country

Ben: I thought Kim Jong-Il was god? (At least in his own mind). Well, that will have to do it for the Montana Hooligans for now. More analysis will be on the way throughout the six months leading up to our first cup including a concerted effort to post one blog a week analyzing each team, their strengths, their weaknesses and some inane form of blather that amuses me. We’ll hear from a host of other bloggers all soon to arrive on our site, and we will always be happy to welcome you all back, but for now I’m Ben MacKenzie

Matt: And I’m Matt MacKenzie and from all of us here at MacKenzie Low Budget Sports goodnight from Ohio, Chicago and South Africa.

Here we go again

This blog has seen a number of false starts recently, because it can never seem to get enough traction to keep it going for a long time.

As good fortune would have it, now there is traction. 32 teams are booking flights for South Africa, pundits and prognosticators are salivating at the potential match-ups, and Theirry Henry is looking for a rock to crawl under.

While we have a long time before this actually gets going, we will have plenty of things to keep us occupied until then. The draw comes on Friday and we will endeavor to present a detailed reaction to the draw on this blog. The brothers MacKenzie will lead the way with detailed reactions.

BUT! In the spirit of expanding Montana's population rolls we are inducting a wide range of new Montanan's into our Hooligan blatherfest, invitations have gone out to individuals spread far and wide: Africans, Asians, South Americans even (shudder) Europeans now have the name of this blog and because they know one Montanan they can hereby apply for blogger citizenship and proclaim to the world their opinions. (Don't worry, if things get too saucy, the English teacher is here to edit and critique)

We'll have a blog a week on the teams coming down to the cape building up to the kick off, the analysis and the complete and utter pandemonium of World Cup Soccer, so join us again on Friday at one Eastern time in the US, for a recap of the draw and a host of analyses from us:

The Montanan Hooligans

This just in...

(a day late)

Italy stinks...

That is all

Wait a second....they play soccer...NOW?

I have to say, I totally forgot about the Confederations Cup...I mean, it just never seemed as important as qualifying or the cup itself. Or perhaps it just seemed that way because the US was never in it. And because we never care about anything that we don't win.

But I have to admit, I have quickly become a fan of Confederations Cup football, it's the world cup on a smaller stage, it gives a little taste of the World Cup, but doesn't exactly have the propensity for drunken Brits falling out of the upper deck--not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but still.

Quick observations

1) South Africa might be the first host nation that doesn't deserve an automatic berth--seriously, that many opportunities and you couldn't score?

2) New Zealand lost--raise your hand if you are surprised---didn't think so.

3) Brazil and Egypt are on right now...and in 14 minutes there have been three goals...what was that people were saying about how dull football was?

4) The trumpets in the stands sound like soggy bees...not exactly a selling point.

5) I have a meeting during the US' match later...fingers crossed, come on boys, lets piss of the Italians again--its' a lot of fun.

Confederation Cup fever! CATCH IT!!

ONE YEAR

Start the countdown

365 Days

8760 Hours

525,600 Minutes

31,536,000 Seconds...31,535,999...31,535,998

Maybe I'm excited too early, maybe I'm a gigantic dork, maybe you should just shut your pie hole and get pumped up.

31,535,983

HELL YES!

Do The Right Thing, Again

I was disappointed to find that when I start teaching something my love for it tends to wane.

Of Mice and Men didn't seem as heartwarming once I had to read 30 papers about it's heartwarmingness.

Gratiano in The Merchant of Venice wasn't as caustic once I had to hear daily class debates about how caustic he was.

It's not a complaint about students, just about my failure to elicit complex responses.

So I was worried when I decided to teach film study through Do the Right Thing. I didn't really want to ruin my love of that movie.

Another 30 papers will come in tomorrow with analyses regarding how cinematic devices reflect the philosophies of Malcolm X or Martin Luther King Jr. And I'm loving Do The Right Thing more with each passing class period.

The angles used on Radio Raheem and Da Mayor subtle support the struggle for power by force rather than through mindless oration.

The color coded costuming of the violent Pino in White and the peaceful Vito in Black enhances non-violent philosophies while turning older stereotypes of "wearing the black hat" on it's ear.

The diagetic laughter while the camera zooms in on Italian Wall of Fame pictures enflames the dormant white philosophy of superiority on the black masses.

The five close-ups of hate followed by Senor Love Daddy's close-up tirade for love uses a change in motion to accentuate the merits of action and peaceful action at that for positive social change.

The vague conclusion of Radio Raheem's LOVE V. HATE soliloquy foreshadows the eventual conclusion of the film, but the lighting on each knuckle continues the long running device of Hate in darkness and love in light.

These are all impressively logical interpretations of this film. And they are all developed by 17 year old kids who had never thought about these philosophies or cinematic devices until three weeks ago.

I've never thought of half of these things, and I'm geeking out over the movie even more.

I love my job.

Upsets and Blowouts

Gunhhhuh? What...uh...I, wait, what?

Why's my beard so long? What's that nasty odor? Why am I writing stream of consciousness on a blog?

Is that the last time this site was updated? July 1st...well...oh, today's the second...oh...of September you say?

Well that would explain the beard and odor at least.

I'm sorry, I just woke up from a two month long nap, and I'm just trying to get readjusted.

I suppose it's worth looking at the news of life in the sporting world since I've been asleep.

Oh, cripes, the Tour De France sucks again.

Oh, well, Barry Bonds did what we all knew he was going to do.

Oh, hell, the Yankees are winning again.

Oh...my...God...Michael Vick does what?!?!?

This is awful, this is disgusting, this whole thing just makes me want to remove ESPN from my favorites and wash my hands of all the cheating, sadistic, multi-millionaires and their petty problems.

Oh...wait...Appalachian State did what?

Really...34-32?

In Ann Arbor?

Hehehehehehehe.

I love sports.

A team that, granted, is probably the Ohio State of Division IAA football, just beat Michigan, which is the Michigan of Division IA football. I know that the Mountaineers are responsible for a great deal of moaning and groaning in Montana, particularly around Missoula where the moans and groans are bested only by the sounds of the String Cheese Incident being blared from dorm rooms day and night.

But still.

Appalachian State beat Michigan.

That's pretty friggin sweet.

And what's this I see? Oh, of course Man U's back in business, and Beckham's injured again, but if you look closely you'll see something far cooler. That Iraq won the Asian Football Cup. That qualifiers for the 2010 World Cup, the one that everyone in the soccer world adn their mom dismissed, have started up and are going swimmingly. Or as swimmingly as they can when it involves Vanuatu and American Samoa (For the record, American Samoa, 15:0? The U.s. finally starts to get it's soccer act together and you lose 15:0 to Tonga? Bush is going to invade you...or he would if he could find you on a map...or if I could find you on a map...I'm sorry American Samoa, you can come back now).

There's something special about this. Not so much the gambling or the steroids or the puppy pulverizing, not even the fact that two countries 99% of the world couldn't find on a map are playing for the right to have the right to play for half of a right to play for a spot in the World Cup. But the fact that far from the glare that most people care about, from the popping flashbulbs that chronicle how Barry's head grows each day, or how Michael's goatee seems flecked with spittle, or how Alex's wife wears her t-shirts, there are people playing because that's what they do. They just play. Not because they have a whole lot of chance to make millions professionally, not because they have any real hope of playing in the most prestigious tournament on the planet, but just because, it's a game, and it's fun.

So here's to you Julian Rauch, you and your wobbly 24 yard kick.

And here's to you Armanti Edwards, you and your 3 Touchdown catches.

And here's to you Corey Lynch, not as cooly named, but just as vital to the field goal blocking glory that is yours.

And here's to you Roy Krishna and your Fijian side that's looking to share half a column with ijay Singh.

And here's to Viliamu Seifiku of Tuvalu, who's 87th minute goal earned the team that isn't even recognized by FIFA a draw with comparative heavyweights Tahiti, more or less knocking the Tahitians and Axel Williams (who, you've got to admit, would probably be cooler to hang out with than Axel Rose: Dissolute 80's hair rocker V.s. Tahitian football player...go with the Tahitian). To you Viliamu! To you for taking the 16:0 drubbing from Roy Krishna and coming back with your side's only goal of qualifying!

I'm going back to sleep for two months...and despite all the inanities that are doubtless to follow, I'll keep coming back to meet the new Julians, Armantis, Coreys Roys and Viliamus Seifikus...hell I'll even come back for the Axels, they're far more worth cheering than the multimillionaires.

They are me.

They are you.

They just play.

And they play well.

...
...
...

Okay, maybe they aren't quite me.

Knock Out

So, to conclude this whole wonderfully dorky experiment with movies and our views on them, here a few quick things to digest:

1) The highest ranked AFI movie that Brent and I both left off of our list: Gone With the Wind at #6.
Brent's already explained how Titanic is merely our generations version of Gone with The Wind and if, for some reason, that isn't enough for you to agree with leaving it off the list, let me just say that I enjoyed watching Gone with the Wind because my younger brother and I sat eating candy for three hours cheering Sherman and damning Vivien Leigh so loudly that the neighbors complained. Frankly my dear, I really don't give a damn.
(Other popular picks that Brent and I paid no attention to, 2001: A Space Odyssey, It's a Wonderful Life, E.T., Mr. Smith Goes to Washington)

2) The highest ranked movies that Brent I listed that AFI did not were both at numbe 10 on our lists: Brent's Blue Velvet and my Hoop Dreams both missed the cut. I'm not sure why Brent's isn't there, and I'll vent about the absence of Hoop Dreams in a minute.

3) I had 57 movies on the AFI list, Brent had 39 (between us 65). That's actually not something to brag about, I'm just a dork who likes this sort of thing, and you're apparently a dork who reads this sort of thing, so I thought you might be interested...though probably not in dating me any more, right?

4) There are plenty more debates to be had about this kind of thing, and doubtless Brent and I have proven ourselves to have both the time, energy and inclination to waste our lives in pointless banter for our own amusement. The greatest directors? Actors? Actresses? Comedies? There's plenty to bring to the table. The most overrated movie (clearly we're both thinking Gone with the Wind) the most underrated movie (That Dr. Strangelove is our combined number one, and yet rates below a movie I put on at #99 and Brent utterly despises should be a sign), the most overrated underrated movie, the most underrated overrated movie (Ordinary People? Not better than Raging Bull, but not the crap everyone thinks it is), Action movies, date movies, and the kind of movies that let you know: Hey-this-is-a-person-I-should-hang-out-with-more (my sister-in-law's idea).

There's time for all of those, and if we've drastically misjudged our audience, if there are in fact a throng of people out there loving these posts and eager to join the discussion just post a quick comment saying what you want us to argue about and we will argue about it.

But lets start with this.

I cannot, for the life of me, understand why documentaries were not allowed on the AFI list. I've been trying to figure it out for weeks now.

*Is it because it's not as great of a challenge to simply record life and then edit it into a story, but it is a great challenge to meticulously force life to look like what you want it to?

*Is it because actors and actresses in several pounds of make up wearing thousand dollar costumes on elaborate sets, often with the aid of technical assistance tell us more about our lives then we do?

*Is it because there are only a handful of documentarians and their subject can usually step right back into their normal lives without missing a beat but there are thousands of people for whom movies are their lives and they would like to congratulate eachother rather than opening up to the people actually in touch with the real world?

Whatever the case, documentaries are not allowed. And that is a shame. I don't think that Hoop Dreams is the best film ever made, but I think it comes closer than most movies I've seen. Even ths techinical aspects, the editing, the camera angles, the sound effects, they all combine to make three hours pass like three minutes. I love the other movies on my top 10 but why isn't Hoop Dreams even allowed to compete?

I could go on more, about how sports is a great way to view the American experience (witness Raging Bull #1 for Brent, #3 for me, #4 for AFI), or about how the American dream is best demonstrated the people who don't have anything rather than the people who have everything (probably why I root for Arthur and William and want Scarlett and Rose to suffer some brutal torture), but instead I'll pivot this topic to another one that's been bothering me.

Is Michael Moore a talented film maker or a moronic toady who intentionally harasses people into making a profit for himself?

I can't believe I'm asking that question. I'm a Democrat. I'm a liberal. I'm for Universal Health Care, and better public schools, and I'll gladly pay higher taxes to do so. I'm embarassed by the government's allowances for guns, and willingness to go to war, I should agree with Michael Moore, so why is it everytime he comes out with a movie I'm tempted to go write a check to the RNC?

Perhaps it's because of my love of Hoop Dreams. There you have a real story, unedited, unvarnished, unchanged from what happened in real life. The directors became part of the lives of two boys, talked with their parents, heard their pain and eventually helped pay for some of their college tuition.

Michael Moore takes real life, and jams his fat bloated face into every frame, forcing the rest of the people in his little drama to pay attention to him and to emote and react to what he's talking about at any given time. He looks like he cares on film, but you have to ask yourself, who really wants him there?

I shudder during Farenhiet 9/11 when the mother breaks down in tears in front of the White House because I think (perhaps too callously) that Moore kind of wanted that to happen as a means to prove his point, whereas, when William Gates breaks down near the end of Hoop Dreams because he has yet again failed to get his team to the state tournament, the camera stays farther away, not forcing itself into the moment, simply showing him and his family, for no point other than to reflect what matters to people, even if it's as simple as a basketball game.

Or consider Bowling For Columbine when Moore antagonizes Charlton Heston, misleading him at first to believe that he's a good ol' boy with an NRA card, and then holding up a picture of a little girl in an effort to emotionally blackmail the old fuddyduddy. Steve James (one of three directors of Hoop Dreams) is heard only once in the whole movie, asking one of the boys to read him a paper he has written about the life cycle of the butterfly.

I think what makes me maddest about Michael Moore, and most eager to go running to the very people he and I both disagree with, is that he seems to be spurning the good work that other documentarians actually do. He makes oodles of money and gets tons of national press for being selfish, egotistical, callously explotative and atagonistic, while the really good documentaries sit on shelves becuase they show life and leave it at that. Sure, there are exceptions (March of the Penguins, and the smash SuperSize Me most notably) but there's plenty to be celebrated in real life, with real people and film makers who endeavour to show our world to us unvarnished by the glamour of Hollywood, and to ignore them in favor of a man who twists things to his own ends (no matter how much I agree with them) strikes me as foolish.

Any thoughts?

A translation of AFI's posturing

AFI included the following things as “Interesting Facts” about their list. Here is a Montanan Hooligan Annotated version of those interesting facts

INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT THE LIST

This is the first year that RAGING BULL and VERTIGO have made the top 10. They were ranked #24 and #61 respectively when the original AFI's 100 Years... 100 Movies poll was conducted in 1997.
Translation: We finally figured out that Raging Bull is a hell of a lot better than Gone with the Wind…sorry.

THE GRADUATE and ON THE WATERFRONT both stay on the list, but drop from their 1997 positions in the top 10. They now hold new positions at #17 (THE GRADUATE) and #19 (ON THE WATERFRONT).
Translation: We realized that The Graduate isn’t that good, and that no one born after 1960 has seen On the Waterfront, so we got rid of them, do you like us now?

Out of the 43 newly eligible films released from 1996 to 2006, only THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING (#50), SAVING PRIVATE RYAN (#71), TITANIC (#83) and THE SIXTH SENSE (#89) made the cut.
We only considered major studio blockbuster movies as things that were worthwhile in the last 10 years.


Notice the tit-for tat replacements of some new movies and some of the old ones.
INTOLERANCE (#49)--THE BIRTH OF A NATION (former #44). We figured we had to put something by DW Griffith on the list but didn’t want it to be racist…anymore.
IN THE HEAT OF THE NIGHT (#75),--GUESS WHO'S COMING TO DINNER (former #99). Here’s your Sidney Poitier movie goddamit.
TOY STORY (#99)--FANTASIA (former #58)—Thanks CGI
SAVING PRIVATE RYAN (#71)—ALL QUIET ON THE WESTERN FRONT (former #54)—Thank God we finally have a War movie about soldier’s humanity from our point of view, not the Germans
CABARET (#63)--AN AMERICAN IN PARIS (former #68),& MY FAIR LADY (former #91)—We figured we would get rid of two average musicals in favor of a really bad one.
THE SIXTH SENSE (#89)--FRANKENSTEIN (former #87): Makes sense…replace one movie about bringing the dead back to life, with another movie about the dead never really dying.
TITANIC (#83)--GIANT (former #82): There’s only room for one incredibly slow, desperately dull movie about pretty people experiencing sad things.
BLADE RUNNER (#97)--CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND (former #64). There’s also only room for one incredibly dull science fiction movie that’s pretending to be more important than it actually is.
12 ANGRY MEN (#87)-- THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE (former #67). Gripping portrayals of psychological warfare in black and white without explosions. Yup, only room for one of those too.
DR. ZHIVAGO (former #39), FARGO (former #84), PATTON (former #89), A PLACE IN THE SUN (former #92), AMADEUS (former #53), THE THIRD MAN (former #57), STAGECOACH (former #63)—Russia/Austria/North Dakota/Switzerland aren’t really American, We don’t want to glorify war or people who kill their wives, and uh…Stagecoach is…uh…yeah.

Steven Spielberg is the most represented director with five films: ET, JAWS, RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, SAVING PRIVATE RYAN, SCHINDLER'S LIST. Spielberg was the most represented director on AFI's original list--also with five films. (CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND was replaced by SAVING PRIVATE RYAN as the fifth entry.) Directors Alfred Hitchcock, Stanley Kubrick and Billy Wilder each have four films on the list. Frank Capra, Charles Chaplin, Francis Ford Coppola, John Huston and Martin Scorsese each have three.
Once again we decide to cater to movies that people have actually seen rather than challenging them to watch something that’s actually suspenseful (Hitchcock) or well written (Wilder) or funny (Chaplin), we’ll just let them keep rewatching crap like ET and Jaws.
Three years tie for most represented year, each with four films: 1982 (E.T. THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL, TOOTSIE, BLADE RUNNER, SOPHIE'S CHOICE); 1976 (NETWORK, TAXI DRIVER, ROCKY, ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN); 1969 (BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID, MIDNIGHT COWBOY, EASY RIDER, THE WILD BUNCH).
1969 had good movies, 1976 had great movies, and 1982 had a bunch of movies that people still watch….DAMN YOU REGAN!!

Four silent films are featured on the list--and three are new additions: THE GENERAL ((#17), INTOLERANCE (#49) and SUNRISE (#82). MODERN TIMES rounds out the list as the fourth entry, moving up three places to #78.
I’m sorry…what are they counting as sound in City Lights? And the Gold Rush?

SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS (#34) and TOY STORY (#99) represent the two animated films on the list. Unless you count CGI, or the countless hours it took to animate Brando’s bloated body in Apocolypse Now

The Fabulous 45, Forgotten 15 and Fuh...Fuh..oh just 40 more movies

So, the list is out there now, 100 movies chosen by “experts” in the field. Of course as anyone who has read Freakonomics will tell you (and I think I might be the last one) “experts” don’t know a damn thing.

Conveniently you have two total idiots on this web page devoted to giving you completely idiotic pieces of information. I’ll rip on AFI’s list in more time, but right now I thought you might enjoy seeing how the combined top 100 boils down for the two Montanans brave enough to throw it all on the line.

Brent and I listed the same movie 45 times, then found 15 more that we just plumb forgot to include until we saw the other one put it on his list, the final 40 are just the highest ranked movies that either one of us thinks isn’t that great but the other loves, or that one of us loves and the other hasn’t seen. Here now the Montana Hooligans Film Institute (Patent Pending) Top 100 Films of all time

1 Strangelove
2 Raging Bull
3 The Godfather
4 The Godfather II
5 Sunset Blvd
6 Citizen Kane
7 Do the Right Thing
8 Rear Window
9 Annie Hall
10 Hoop Dreams
11 Pulp Fiction
12 North by Northwest
13 On the Waterfront
14 Manhattan
15 The English Patient
16 The Gold Rush
17 Network
18 Singin' in the Rain
19 Casablanca
20 Lawrence of Arabia
21 Silence of the Lambs
22 Fargo
23 Malcolm X
24 The Apartment
25 Brokeback Mountain
26 It Happened One Night
27 Shakespeare in Love
28 Modern Times
29 Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
30 Schindler's List
31 The Manchurian Candidate
32 In the Company of Men
33 Spinal Tap
34 The Great Escape
35 Goldfinger
36 Taxi Driver
37 Sense & Sensibility
38 Waiting for Guffman
39 The Graduate
40 Ben-Hur
41 Streetcar Named Desire
42 City Lights
43 Saving Private Ryan
44 The Kid
45 Platoon
46 Young Frankenstein
47 A Shot in the Dark
48 Before Sunset
49 Before Sunrise
50 A River Runs Through It
51 The Great Dictator
52 Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
53 Twelve Angry Men
54 Lilies of the Field
56 Swingers
57 Hoosiers
58 Chasing Amy
59Doctor Zhivago
60 Clerks
61 King Kong
62 Blue Velvet
63 Airplane!
64 Kramer vs. Kramer
65 All About Eve
66 Sideways
67 The Night of the Hunter
68 My Dinner with Andre
69 Blazing Saddles
70 Million Dollar Baby
71 Apocalypse Now
72 The Sting
73 Patton
74 To Kill A Mockingbird
75 High Noon
76 The Shining
77 Philadelphia
78 Nashville
79 The Squid and the Whale
80 The Lion in Winter
81 Crimes and Misdemeanors
82 The Third Man
83 West Side Story
84 The Man Who Knew Too Much
85 The Searchers
86 Drugstore Cowboy
87 Traffic
88 Wizard of Oz
89 Kill Bill
90 Psycho
91 The Ice Storm
92 The Incredibles
93 Being John Malkovich
94 Hannah and Her Sisters
95 M*A*S*H
96 The Princess Bride
97 Betrayal
98 Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
99 A Clockwork Orange
100 Double Indemnity

Stuff

Stuff

The Best Movie Ever, Or: How I Learned to Laugh at Nuclear Holocausts, Shudder at My Laughter and Laugh at My Shuddering

I was supposed to wait for Brent, I know. But I'm also supposed to leave for Mumbai in 20 hours, and when I'll next have a computer and internet access, I do not know. So, here it is. My number 1.



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I’d heard of Dr. Strangelove before. It was funny. Hilarious even. So, when I was a junior in high school and ready to have a guys night, I agreed with my two buddies (one of whom is co-writing this blog with me, the other of whom is engaged or married to my co-writers ex-girlfriend) that we should watch this movie.

I didn’t last long though.

They were refueling a plane. Then there was a woman in a bikini, and I remember liking that. Then we started talking about something and lost all track of the movie. War room, what? Did they just say that guy’s name was Turgetson? What’s a British guy doing in this movie?

In short, Dr. Strangelove did not grab me at first as a contender for the title best movie ever. And, truth be told, I can’t really remember the second time I ever saw it.

But I do remember watching it again and laughing to myself. And then watching it again. And again. And again. And suddenly it dawned on me: “this is everything I love about movies, and nothing I hate.”

There is no overwrought sentimentality. There is no hackneyed dialogue. There are no unnecessary shots of explosions or breasts or any of the kind of things that executives seem to assume we want.

There is a reflection of human behavior. Fear. Hatred. Malice. Love. Lust. Ego. Pride. All included for the purpose of making the situation—as absurd as it is—as real as it can be.

There is, simultaneously, witty banter (“Shoot…a guy good have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all this stuff”) and smiple, honest, awkwardness of language (“one of our pilots went a little funny in the head…oh, you know…just, a little funny.”)

There are explosions because that’s what the movies about, not glamorous, not slow motion, not “wicked cool” but total and utter annihilation.

There are breasts because it’s part of what leads to natural human behavior.

From the first shot, the audience has to acknowledge a different and divergent tone from almost anything they’ve seen before. Planes, mid-flight being refueled. Nothing particularly remarkable, Kubrick actually took it all from long ignored stock footage. And to have it all set against soft, subtle, almost tinkling melodies sets up a monstrous punch-line.

The cast, though limited in many ways to important men in ties or medals, manages to carry through a sense of humanity and personal connection to the audience in the three leads: Slim Pickens, George C. Scott, and Peter Sellars.

I’m as surprised as anyone that Slim Pickens has been in more movies on my list than Spencer Tracy, and I’ve already mentioned how brilliant George C. Scott is, so let me say this about Peter Sellars.

For every two bit, fart joke comedy that you see in the theaters this year, there is a Peter Sellars role that out strips it by a mile. For every lame innuendo and crass characterization, there is a Peter Sellars gag that will knock you out. And suddenly, in this movie, the jokes and easy humor and natural bumbling charm that are so palpable in the Pink Panther movies give way to a series of characters simultaneously absurd and familiar.

Any time I have to deal with a frustrating bureaucrat (which in India is more often than you’d think) I nearly say: “listen, colonel Bat Guano, if that is your real name.” Any time I feel awkward on the phone I nearly say: “Of course I like to talk to you Dimitri. This is just a call to say hello.” Any time my boss is fishing for an idea, I nearly say “mine fuehrer! I have a plan!” Sellars captures all of this in a mere line here, or a line there, in a cocked eyebrow or a nervous shifting of his weight.

And when it all comes to an end, with the iconic image of Slim Pickens riding the bomb to oblivion, and George C. Scott railing about “the mine shaft gap!” you’re left not really laughing so much as smiling, sighing and thinking to yourself: “damn, how close was that to really happening?”

It’s not just the 60’s and the red phone and fingers on switches. It’s today and orange alerts and…well…fingers on switches. It’s not just a thing to laugh at because it’s ridiculous, it’s a thing to laugh at because, if you don’t, you may become ridiculously involved in the fear and forget to laugh.
It’s not just a movie of it’s time, or a movie of it’s place, but it’s something that people can feel at any time, in any cultural context. And it’s a movie that can always, make you laugh.

Stuff

#31-2: Tom, Tap and Tuetonic Titwillows; Fronk-en-shteen, Frued and Flava Flav; Rage, Rain and Rosebud

30 Philadelphia—It’s less about AIDS and more of an exploration in prejudice. It’s got more to it’s core than Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner? And a fuller cast than Lilies of the Field (which I, like Brent, adore). What’s more it has the modern Poitier (Washington) the modern Tracy (Hanks) and the friggin’ man: Jason Robards.

29 Schindler’s List—What sets this move apart from other World War II chronicles is the simplicity of it all. Spielberg is great at showing the immediacy and humanity of one of the most hellish blots on the soul of man kind. The little slap of the red dress amidst all the dismal black and white make it even more real than you can imagine.

28 Spinal Tap—I know it’s only rock and roll but I like it. Brent goes for A Mighty Wind but the nueftet and the rest of the folkies have in numbers the rockers more than make up for in depth (as well as volume and punctuality). As this is the first real major mockumentary it gets some extra points for innovation.

27 High Noon—Unlike Brent, I love a good Western, especially when it has a flawed hero that turns the traditional idolatry of Hollywood into the blunt Western “I’m-great-yeah-but-I’m-also-kind-of-messed-up,-so-don’t-get-all-teary-on-me.” When the hero’s flaw is that he’s a work-a-holic, it makes it all the more accessible. And the clever, real time shooting of the movie (1 hour, 40 minutes from start to showdown) make it even more enjoyable

26 To Kill A Mockingbird—Of all the classic books transferred onto film, this one actually becomes a classic in it’s own right. Every student who reads it starts to wonder what kind of man Atticus Finch is and Gregory Peck embodies the soul of one of literature’s finest heroes. (He probably shouldn’t have beaten out Peter O’Toole for the best actor Oscar…but it’s a little late for that).

25 Patton—When a liberal, anti-war proponent like me is captivated and entranced by modern warfare and a modern warrior you know you’ve got something powerful. George C. Scott’s compulsive passion is a rarity in a biopic, neither idolizing nor knocking down the man, simply showing his humanity and leaving it to the audience to decide.

24 The Sting—Quite simply the gold standard for caper flicks (the Ocean’s 11 franchise still hasn’t snuck past it, despite the gltiz). The charm and poise of Newman and Redford with a gamut of twists so surprising that you never know what’s to be believed and what’s just deceiving you.

23 Million Dollar Baby—My vote for the best Eastwood movie in recent times, and far and away a better Boxing movie than any Rocky (which will somehow sneak on to AFI’s list again). It’s a study of the sport that actually explains why you do somethings and how training really works, and does more with the depth of an average boxer’s life (rub-down-whores and all) and the family you find doing what you love

22 Blazing Saddles—Silly and sophomoric at times, but by and large a supremely witty spoof on the Western (more on satire that starts Brent’s beloved Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright later). Brooks’ manic energy flows through the movie and the twittering Madeline Khan (and perhaps the funniest song ever on film) and cackling Harvey Korman (“That’s Hedley”) culminating in the ironic limo into the sunset; a perfect ending for a modern Western.

21 On the Waterfront—Everyone has heard the line, “I coulda been somebody. I coulda been a contender, instead of a bum, which is what I am.” But few people actually know the context any more. But seeing Brando’s broken down palooka facing his brother makes an otherwise good drama (with a great supporting cast in Lee J. Cobb and Karl Malden) great.

20 Pulp Fiction—Uber-violent, uber-witty, uber-hip. Sometimes it feels like it’s almost too much, to surprising, to daring to be as good as it is. But the trio of excellent stories and charming ne’er-do-wells beautifully balances love and business, friendship and distrust, compassion and violence. Leaving you with as complete an exploration of the human side of the world’s seedy underbelly as you’ll ever see.

19 Annie Hall—Sweetness personified in Alvy Singer’s romance and loss in the Woody Allen film. It has some of the best moments in comedy, including flopping lobsters, out of body sexual experiences and trying to do cocaine with a cold. The love story is fun, but not half as fun and familiar as the longing.

18 Shakespeare in Love—Love and a bit with a dog, oh and brilliant Tom Stoppard dialogue, a cast that doesn’t have a weak link (which, when your cast includes Ben Affleck, is saying something) and a twist on old tales that turn your average Shakespeare class into a suddenly shocking discovery that he’s a man…who liked sex…a lot.

17 The Manchurian Candidate—The kind of thriller that leaves with a twist so remarkably heartbreaking that you forget how long it took you to get there. Forget the modern remake, it’s the brilliance of the original and the hilarity of the garden party scenes that leave you chilled to the bone and curious to examine the motivation of heroes.

16 Do the Right Thing—Spike’s finest hour. Flowing cinematography, fully incorporated music into a movie world (“Fight the Power” is this movie), a host of entertaining and captivating characters, Ossie Davis and Ruby Dee in all their glory and an ending at once infuriating and frighteningly fair.

15 All About Eve—Manipulations, conniving, backstage back stabbing deceit. The kind of movie every actor loves. It’s less real than Guffman. But for sheer shock in terms of character development, writing and acting, it takes the cake.

14 North by Northwest—Adventure and intrigue set against a middle American backdrop. (Ask yourself, how often do you get a plane chase, gun fire, and explosions in a corn field?) I showed it to my 11th grade class yesterday and even without an introduction, even without any sense of Hitchcock, they were enthralled by the story, the script and the mystery of it all.

13 Fargo—It’s about so much more than the accent (though, for the record, the accents are pretty great). It’s that layer of Minnesota nice that permeates the movie, haunting the screen, the dinner tables, the hookers, the sheriffs. All this and two brilliant performances from Frances McDormand (a sublimely real modern heroine) and William H. Macy (the ultimate in sniveling villainy) help everyone in middle America know, big city crime isn’t as far away as you might think.

12 Young Frankenstein—Arguably the funniest, pure comedy ever. The gags come one after the other after the other, advancing the plot but barely giving you a moment to breathe. Like Blazing Saddles and Shaun of the Dead (I’ve not yet seen Hot Fuzz) it satirizes better than anything else because it actually loves the subject of its mockery. It doesn’t giggle at something that happened five minutes ago, it builds off of the brilliant work someone’s already done (in this case using the same set as Frank Whale’s classic.

11 Rear Window—The most gripping of all of Hitchcock’s movies because we, like Jimmy Stewart, are forced to watch, inert and incapable of changing the situation, but at the same time loving every minute of amateur sleuthing.

10 Hoop Dreams—Michael Moore has a career because this movie made documentaries money makers. But don't hold that against it. It made money and a point with much more class than Moore could ever hope to have. This is America. It’s not gun crazy, or morally deprived. It’s not charmingly intelligent or morbidly obese. It obsesses over things that don’t matter much, but aware of what can be better and what we can do to improve. I find something new to love every time I watch it, and no movie, none, holds me for three hours like this one does.

9 The Apartment—It’s a good comedy, yes, but it’s an even better commentary on sexual and business politics. It manages to captivate and entrance you through all of the witty Billy Wilder banter. Add to that a stellar cast (including the: never watch "My 3 Sons" again Fred McMurry) and a pitch-perfect performance by Jack Lemmon and you have an excellent movie.

8 Singin’ in the Rain—The ultimate in love letters to Hollywood, and the pinnacle of musicals in America. It has a great romance and remarkably catch songs, but more than that it has the archetype romantic comedy best body, and the funniest villainess on film. It’s hard living in India during Monsoon and not singing and softshoeing non-stop. Fortunately there are no walls to try and run up.

7 Citizen Kane—There’s a reason it’s at or near the top of every list in Christendom. It’s a great exercise in cinematography, and story telling as it chronicles the rise and fall of a man and more importantly the man’s ideals. Welles is superb, possessive, maniacal and sincerely committed to doing what he thinks is right.

6 Network—“I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it any more!” This is the movie that seems to always fade away in discussions of the best-of-the year (it lost to Rocky for God’s sake), or best-of-the-decade, or best-of-all-time. But it deserves to be here.It’s a brilliant cultural critique, and boasts great characters and a brilliant script that captures the lost “TV” generation in Faye Dunawaye’s beautiful, but dead, eyes.

5 Sunset Blvd.—Speaking of William Holden’s love interests, here his creepy (in the most captivating sense of the word) lover is Gloria Swanson who turns him into the most unlikely and unwilling gigolo. Swanson is a superb counterbalance to Holden’s passive acceptance of his role, careening wildly, she doesn’t really need Wilder’s script, after, all as she says: “we had faces!”

4 The Godfather II—It has more depth than the original, in terms of family history and a brilliant portrayal of the immigrant story (the coupling of DeNiro and Pacino as fathers lost in a world they didn’t create but must survive in, is especially moving). And though it adds a little too much to maintain the first film’s astounding focus, but it still holds the audience beautifully.

3 Raging Bull—The beauty of Scorcese’s best work is simply astounding. Gorgeous cinematography, beautiful black and white shots of home, love, and violence all set to the stirring strings of subtle melodies. And DeNiro’s humanity, so perfectly palpable on the screen, could be translated to the life story of anyone, it just happens to be LaMotta’s.

2 The Godfather—Quite simply great, and without any need to explain why. It’s a robust and fully developed family drama, leaving no doubt as to why modern writers and movie makers allude to it more often than Shakespeare and the Bible. Everyone has a moment that they suddenly realize how powerful it is. For me, it was watching James Caan get shot at the toll booth while my brother walked by, saw my mouth gaping and said: “told you so.”

Stuff

A reprieve from films: Barry "U.s." Bonds

I'm flattered that Brent, the inimitable scholar and gentleman that he is still values my baseball opinion so highly. Clearly, working for the Great Falls White Sox for three months and directing Kenny Williams (architect of a franchise's first World Series title in 80 some years) to the ballpark is good for something.

So. Barry.

I like Barry.

I always liked Barry.

I am still sure that he threw out Sid Bream at home in 1991, and that Andy Van Slyke and Doug Drabek are more to blame for the Pirates losses than Barry is. (Okay, not really, but you get my meaning...and if you don't pretend that you do.)

As Barry scales the mountain towards Hammerin' Hank, I--like every baseball fan--have some mixed feelings. Brent gave you the figures (near .300 average, 8 Gold Gloves, 6 MVPs, the only man ever to hit 500 homeruns and steal 500 bases). He's right, Barry's awesome. He's incredibly talented. A gift from the Gods, a newer Mantle, or Mays, but he's forgotten. So what about Brent's questions, allow me to answer them as though they were my final exam (only with more fluency than my students use on their final exams.

1) Why do we hear so much talk about Federer as the best all-time tennis player and so little about Bonds as the best all-time baseball player?
First, I think this is a tad untrue. A few years ago, everyone was talking about Bonds as the best all-time baseball player. Until the whispers about his muscles and head and backne became chatter, became tirades, became fodder for every news organization in the known universe (The Onion has two pieces in the last month on his chase).
But there is precedent. In 1999, when they named the all-century team, the voters in America gave a spot to Ken Griffey Jr. and not to Bonds. Bonds wasn't even close (456,000 votes behind Pete Rose for the final spot, and 13,000 behind Ricky Henderson). Yes, it was a meaningless promo for Mastercard, but still, you have to figure, a game as beloved as Baseball as universally acknowledged, for all its faults and foibles as the American game (much to Football's--dominant as it is--chagrin). So we laud the players we want to laud and lose the rest. When, as Brent pointed out, a player is: " a churlish player on whose grave many beat writers will gladly dance." Griffey smiles. Barry sulks. Jeter's got charm. Barry's got his hand in your face.
So we don't really talk about him as the greatest player of all time, because we really don't want him to be that. We want someone charming and graceful, good with kids and helpful in the community. This is why Roger Maris was loathed during the Home Run battle in '61. This is why Pete Rose was beloved while going after Ty Cobb (a man, unlikable in his own right). It's not spite, it's just denile.

2nd) Where does Bond rank among the greats?
Well, the numbers are compelling. In addition to the history making 40-40 club, and 500-500 club, he'll top Aaron (probably finishing around 770, before knee injuries force him to stop) and though his average will sink a little more (probably around .297-.298, still awfully high for a power hitter) and he has no chance to win a World Series this year. (Though, for the record, the last two trips to the post season he was awfully good, crushing 6 homers against the Marlins in '03, and carrying the Giants to 7 outs from a Series title in '02), he will finish with
That's damn good. In terms of numbers he tops most every player in the game's history. Cobb doesn't have the power. Ruth and Aaron didn't have the speed, and has a better slugging and On Base Percentage than Mays. Williams, DiMaggio, Mantle, the vastly underrated Frank Robinson, and Yogi Berra: great, but really not the same.
Every player has a failing, Williams wasn't a great fielder either, Aaron and Cobb never won titles, and Ruth and Aaron were every bit the offensive hangers on that Barry has become (Aaron actually was a DH in Milwaukee). So all the critiques of Barry really don't stick.
If you notice I've been dancing around the issue of where he actually does rank though. He has ranked ahead of everyone else (as recently as 2002/2003...but Pujols was gaining pretty quick by then...like a young Inigo Montoya ready to challenge the 6 Fingered (or 6 ringed man) again).
I'd say Barry is great. One of the best. The steroids tarnish that. As does the American obsession with "winning the big one," and the general loathing that comes out of most of America about the man. He's not the best. Mays is the best player of all time. Cobb would actually be my vote for a close second followed by Aaron. Ruth, for all his greatness, isn't much more than 4th for me, and to be honest I'd be willing to put Barry above him based on pre-73 numbers.
Those are the 5. For a while.
Until A-Rod's hits 800 with Pujols hot on his heels. Then we have another conversation to deal with.

Stuff

Stuff

A Special Double Post: #50-31: Malcolm, McQueen, Mockumentaries, a Modern Mephistopholese, and Many ways to Make Brent Mad

I'm stepping up my production of these posts, because the AFI list comes out on the 20th of June, and because I'm going to Mumbai and Greece and don't know how often I'll be able to do this. So here's 20 more movies on my list. Most of which are too low for Brent (but I have to make room for Rocky's II-IV somewhere)

50 Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers—I am not one of those who thinks that the Lord of the Rings trilogy is the new Godfather. Then, why, you may ask, have I put one of the three above things like Taxi Driver and Ben-Hur? One simple reason my friend(s): the marriage of technology and classic film performances. Forget the hobbits, forget the sword fights and Orlando Bloom’s flowing silver hair. Focus on Andy Serkis, giving a performance as Gollum that is to modern audiences what Karloff in Frankenstein was to audiences in the 30s. Soulful, full body acting, using technology not as eye candy for fan boys, but as a way to make the story and the character come alive.

49 Lawrence of Arabia—If he was any prettier he would have been “Florence of Arabia.” If he was any better on screen…well…uh…there’s really no where to go in that sentence is there. He’s Peter O’Toole and he is the bomb, the desert commanding, camel riding, bomb. True, it’s long, really long, and (like Lean’s Doctor Zhivago before it) seems to present the simple truth that barren landscapes can be pretty, but life in them really sucks, but whenever you reach the point of, boredom, O’Toole turns up to keep you in your seat.

48 Psycho—This is probably going to engender one of those furious Brent postings. It’s not that Psycho’s bad. In fact it’s quite good. It’s just not everything that people build it up to be. If you go in expecting to be scared out of your wits, you’re going to yawn, especially given that so many people talk about it that unless you live in a cave you already know the shower scene is coming. It’s not a grand experiment or exploration of fear, it’s just a surprising, stunning, shocker. Alarming, but not incredible.

47 Wizard of Oz—I recently re-watched this with some friends of mine, and, between the shouts of “SHUT UP LION, I HATE YOU!!” I remembered what it is that makes this movie beloved: tradition. It’s really not that incredible, the songs aren’t so much catchy as they are part of the lexicon. The characters aren’t so much riveting as they are loved. It’s like a plate of cookies and a glass of milk at the end of the day. It’s great because every April, you’ll watch it and smell fabric softener and know that you’re family’s watching it too. It’s great because you’re comfortable and cozy when you curl up with the story

46 Waiting for Guffman—I’ve read three articles in the last week alone about the new “mockumentary” trend in comedy. It is not a new trend, it’s just been made popular by a TV show. The show is amusing, but not remotely close to this, one of the pinnacles of “mocku”comedy. Anyone who has ever been in, or seen Community Theater hurts when they see this movie. It’s a bittersweet look at people who genuinely believe they’re good, and who truly are terrible. It’s scary and sad to see, and at the same time, you end up loving the characters (which is more than you can say about almost any other “mockumentary”) because they’re more real than any of the others that follow.

45 Traffic—Like mockumentaries, complex, multi-national, multi-story-line dramas are the rage in movies today. That doesn’t mean they’re better than most, it also doesn’t mean they’re worst than most. And what makes Traffic the best of them all is that director Steven Soderbergh takes clearly separates the story lines to the point that you can distinguish everyone and then slowly slurs them together to show you how everyone is part of the same problem. He doesn’t sacrifice depth for breadth, the characters are developed, the performances are gripping and by humanizing all sides of the issue he makes it palatable regardless of politics.

44 Casablanca—Even I’m surprised I have this movie, this low. We all know the reasons it’s good (romance, passion, and pretty cinematography), so I’ll focus on why it’s not higher. Much as I hate to say it, it lags, it sags, and even a die-hard romantic like me rolls his eyes at Bergman’s doe-eyed innocence at the end. It’s much more fun to enjoy Peter Lorre and Claude Raines (“I am shocked, shocked to discover that there is gambling going on in this establishment!”), but sadly, there’s relatively little of him to go around.

43 The Searchers—I think I might have used the phrase “epic western” in connection with John Ford about 7 times already on this list. So here’s lucky number 8. It’s an epic western, sprawled out over the southwest. And, despite the long running time, despite the unfortunate undertones of mockery and racism towards Native Americans, the grandeur of the west and unflappable flawed focus of John Wayne’s Ethan Edwards makes this worth watching again and again.

42 In the Company of Men—Maybe it’s that I’m a theater geek and dig Niel LaBute. Maybe it’s that I’m a nice guy who always finishes last. Maybe it’s that I’m secretly psychotic, but this is the kind of movie that holds me and keeps me coming back. It’s the anti- Waiting for Guffman where you see people and smile and love them, here, you see people and feel sick, because they’re actually deplorable. The discordant jazz notes, the blaring, riotous anger and vitriol that colors the film and Aaron Eckhart as the most Mephistopholese-esque villain on film leaves you sick inside and with every stumble towards grace you think a little bit harder about what you’re doing to the world, and what it’s doing to you.

41 Shawshank Redemption—The kind of movie you forget, but can’t pass up if you find it on TV. It takes the standard prison movie formula and twists and turns it until you let your eyes ping-pong from Morgan Freeman to Tim Robbins again and again, relishing everything they say, and every turn of the plot that comes to be. The heartbreaking simplicity of characters and natural rhythm of the performances leaves you satisfied and guarantees that you’ll go back for more the next time you nearly flip by.

40 The Great Escape—More than the origin of British soccer chants, more than the embodiment of Steve McQueen’s cool (even in Nazi Germany), this is perhaps the most soulful action movie you could ever hope to see. (It’s also fun to see James Coburn and Charles Bronson do vague accents)Yes it has the standard, best friend dies in the arms of the hero moment, but it also has an original spin on revenge. Everyone loves Steve McQueen jumping over the fence, and coming back with a smile on his face, but James Garner resigning himself to fate, turning blithely away from his superior officer, turns the obvious into the remarkable.

39 The Gold Rush—The fifth and final Chaplin movie to make my list, the Gold Rush has everything that the other movies have (lovable tramp, nearly falling over the edge of something). But it has something else that separates it from the other movies (besides the fact that he eats his shoe). We get the Tramp’s soul more clearly than ever before, and his heartbreak when the girl (rather than being blind, or lost) rejects him out of hand (at least at first). Oh, and potatoes dancing. Funny.

38 West Side Story—Musicals tend to live or die by two things: the music (obviously) and how completely the actors captivate the audience. What’s great about West Side Story, besides the music that makes everyone either want to be a street thug or a senorita, is that while the leads are genuinely engaging, the supporting players hold us much more than anyone else. (“America” and “Officer Krupke” are a lot more fun than “Maria” and “I feel Pretty”)

37 Third Man—You know who you don’t hear much about? Joseph Cotten. Jedidiah from Citizen Kane (overshadowed by big ol’ Orson) and the lost in Austria pseudo-sluth in the Third Man. Unfortunately he’s once again overshadowed by Orson (even though Welles is on screen for only a few minutes), but he’s superb, distraught and raw when he’s pounding the cobblestones searching for Harry Lime. (Welles, is awesome too, but I felt like giving Cotten his due.)

36 The English Patient—Something of a return to the big sprawling movies in exotic locales with romance and intrigue, but the complication of the standard story line with flashbacks and side stories makes it compelling. The jumps to scenes in the present and examination of what love hath wrought in the lives of four people gives you a taste of deeper philosophy and thought without cramming it down your throat. And, as Brent will no doubt explain in more detail, erotic without giving in to simplistic pornographic detail.

35 Manhattan—Nobody does romance like Woody Allen. Which is a good thing because anyone who had a wife leave him for another woman, was dating a 17 year old and broke up his friend’s romance would need serious counseling. Much is made about Allen’s funny quips and quirks but this is really a movie made by the women, Streep, Keaton and most heartbreakingly of all: Muriel Hemingway in an honest, tender goodbye that makes Casablanca look bland by comparison.

34 The Lion in Winter—“By God I’m King, fifty and alive all at once.” Peter O’Toole is again the bomb, only this time, instead of camels and Omar Sharif he has Katherine Hepburn’s mania and Anthony Hopkins ready to cap a sword in his ass. It’s intrigue, violence, family, deception, and some of the wittiest wordplay on film. Made even stronger by the simplistic stupidity of Prince John’s, “you’re a stinker do you know that. You’re a stinker and you stink!”

33 Silence of the Lambs—Maybe it’s the more modern sensibility that makes this psycho story, more riveting than the Hitchock marvel. Or maybe it’s the fact that Lecter just looks more fierce in his mask than Bates does in his housecoat. Or maybe its that there are more compelling twists and stunning results here than the obvious ending everyone knows is coming in Psycho. Whatever the case, here is your modern treatise in fear.

32 Toy Story—It should be applauded for doing what Disney and family films in general haven’t done in decades: make something that kids giggle at with just enough reality and subtle wit that parents who have to pay for the kids, get a good laugh too. Some would criticize it for giving us Shark Tale and Robots but they miss the point. It has the eager adventurousness of kids in general with the search for identity that makes it relevant long after you’ve stopped playing with toys.

31 Malcolm X—A compelling, complete look at an American icon who is usually left to simplistic generalizations. Denzel and Spike make him complex and human, they give motive to his beliefs, and though they take a good deal of license adjusting his biography to suit the needs of their story, they make it both a film and forum for ideas, leaving the audience agape, and stunned as they hear Ossie Davis’ soothing basso into a deeper study of the man and his methods.