Monday, March 20, 2017

Hexed! CONCACAF Happy Trails #113

It's time for World Cup Qualifiers to enter their home stretch. Within 2017, the remaining 31 teams will have accomplished their "Mission to Moscow", and been sued for copyright infringement by the creators of the Police Academy franchise.  But focusing only on those who qualify excuses us from the equally important work of focusing on the un-qualified countries. So we write these "Happy Trails" posts as a way of holding a candle for them, just as we hold a candle for sweet, sweet Tackleberry.

This week, we honor the North/Central American (and Caribbean) nations that have once again missed out on the final stage: the Hexagon. These nations should be familiar to most of us; after all, three members of the Hex have seemed set in stone for the competitions 20 year history: Mexico, Costa Rica, and the US of A. Two others have been in over half the competitions (Honduras + Trinidad And Tobago). The final spot now seems the purview of Panama, at least until Canada rises from the football ashes.

So who are these hexed has beens? This CONCACAF chaff? The minnows we cast back into the Caribbean for another three years? Here's the latest edition of Happy Trails.

#113 Fare the well, St. Vincent And The Grenadines (+41 from 2014)
Why they lost: Vincy Heat took a huge step reaching Round 4 this time out, so much so that a -23 goal differential is a minor detail in comparison with their accomplishment in getting here. (There should be some concern that a winless 2016 did them more harm than good though)

What we'll miss: The best stars of St. Vincent (and friends) can actually be seen regularly in the USL as part of the Seattle Sounders reserve squad: so get ready Rochester! Oalex Anderson and Myron Samuels are coming soon to a pitch near you.

#112 Hasta luego, El Salvador (+14 from 2014)
Why they lost: The friendly confines of Estadio "Magico" (named for Salvadoran legend Jorge "Magico" Gonzalez) may be the greatest boon to Los Cuscatelos, especially since they managed a pair of draws against group rivals Canada and Honduras. Unfortunatley, they still need to play away matches.

What we'll miss: A wider spread hipster appreciation of  "Magico" Gonzalez. (Think of it, "Magic is going to run the Lakers? Ohhh...the basketball player, I was thinking about the Salvadoran striker..." etc.)

#111 Buh-bye, Jamaica (-66 from 2014)
Why they lost: In what might well be called a catastrophe by Jamaican standards, the team was pushed back from its lofty perch as a consistent CONCACAF threat. In particular, losing at home to Haiti, a squad they normally push around, has to sting.

What we'll miss: Dumb allusions to Bob Marley songs. ("No Hexagon, No Cry", "I Shot the Sheriff, but I Couldn't Shoot the Winning Goal", etc.)

#110 Au Revoir, Haiti (+34 from 2014)
Belfots and Nazon 4 Eva
Why they lost: Les Grenadiers have seen a serious boost to their profile in the last year, a shock qualification for the Copa America Centenario gave them prime time billing alongside Brazil last summer, and a sturdy defensive corps saw them ship only four goals during World Cup Qualifiers (to more high profile CONCACAF sides (Costa Rica, Panama, and Jamaica). Their next step will be to turn those narrow 0-1 defeats into 1-1 draws.

What we'll miss: The continued development of my Haitian strike force dream team: Kelven Belforts and Duckens Nazon. (Also, the chance to turn "Belforts and Nazon" into a TNT original mystery series.

#109 Farewell/Adieu, Canada (+16 from 2014)
Why they lost: A few years ago, the Canucks reported that their national soccer association had a budget of $24 Million dollars, and walked away with a $1.7 million dollar surplus. Which is a little less than .002% of what Hockey is worth to the Canadian economy. That may not be a fair comparison (I'm not a math person), and there are reportedly more soccer players than hockey ones in the great white north, but the simple fact is that until there are more soccer fans than hockey ones, Canda will always be a big country with a relatively meager investment.

What we'll miss: Any logical consistency to Canda's match scheduling. Outside of Qualifiers Canada has had to set up matches in the last year with Azerbijian, Uzbekistan, Mauritania, Morocco, South Korea and Bermuda. I mean...seriously...Canada...pick a lane, bro.

#108 Ciudata, Guatemala (+16 from 2014)
Why they lost: Because despite the glitzy golden ball won by Carlos Ruiz (who netted 8 in this round of competition), Guatemala can't play St. Vincent and the Grenadines every match (which is why Ruiz's 5 goals against them were ultimately futile).

What we'll miss: The vague, sinking feeling that overcame the entire US Soccer fan base when Guatemala when Los Chapines beat the Yanks at home, and sent Jurgen Klinsmann's career as manager into a death spiral. Oh the old days of US National Gloom and Doom, only slightly less fun then current day gloom and doom.

Friday, April 22, 2016

Happy Trails in 2016: (142-116) One Shining Moment

The following is as close as we really come to an In Memorium tribute for World Cup competitors. After all, while "One Shining Moment" Montages love to end with a a thrilling buzzer beater and confetti explosion, they just don't pop without a crying flutist or two.

Here now are the World Cup corollaries to said sad flautists.

142 'Ilaa Liqaaa, Kuwait 2014 Finish: #132 (-10)
Why they lost: While they were riding high in second place of their group last October, Kuwait's government (read: the royal family) got involved in the FA again. (Exactly what they did is unclear, as every press release and wire report uses vague generalities to excuse the actions.) So, for the third time in 10 years, Kuwait was disqualified from all tournaments and competitions they were entered in. (Oddly almost held on to their runner-up status, a Lebanon draw on the final match day, just barely knocking them back into third).

What we'll miss: The excitement of dream casting the HBO Mini-series/Movie about the Kuwaiti FA offices. Please let this be an excuse to cast Shah Rukh Khan....PLEASE!

141 Long Jay Gay, Bhutan: 2014 Finish #205 (+64)
Why they lost: The Thunder Dragons may have had their heads turned a bit by all the positive press coverage. But that kind of coverage will come your way if you win your first games ever in FIFA qualifications (even if they're won against Sri Lanka). After the BBC, ESPN and all manner of mainstream (and more obscure) media gush over them, it's hard not to be excited.

What we'll miss: Changlimath Stadium. I mean...we'll see it again at the 2046 World Cup when 80% of the Earth is under rising sea levels and all tournaments are hosted by mountain ranges. But who knows how often we'll connect again before that?

140 Lia Suhn Hao-y, Cambodia: 2014 Finish #199 (+59)
Why they lost: The Angkor Warriors have made some serious strides since we last saw them get dummped out of the competition by Laos four years ago. Still, a porous defense ceding 27 goals nearly half of which came in two ties against Syria, is hard to over come.

What we'll miss: The seven way Phenom Penh Derby is practically a league unto itself, but while that particular drama mostly plays out in the streets of the capital, the music of Cambodian-style Pop band Dengue Fever, is for everyone!

139 Jaigen, Chinese Taipei: 2014 Finish #197 (+58)
Why they lost: Taipei, or as it's better known from the labels on your shirts/your kids toys "Taiwan" took another step this round. Moving in to the second round after beating Brunei. However, and to state the obvious, second round teams were better than Brunei, and despite scoring several goals on the road, a drought at home left them unable to capitalize on any kind of home field advantage.

What we'll miss: We're not China-phobes or anything, but c'mon, a little pro-democracy tweaking of President Xi Jingping, is always a plus in our books.

Carter/Sohel...similar positions
138 Bhalo Thakben, Bangladesh: 2014 #180 (+42)
Why they lost: The final 590 minutes of Bangladesh's qualifying run passed in an offensive malaise that left even Jimmy Carter speechless (YEAH! obscure Carter Joke!). Ultimately falling: five-nil; four-nil; two-nil; five-nil; four-nil; and eight-nil to a Jordan crew that clearly missed the memo about goals against the worst team in your group not counting. In retrospect giving six out of seven games to keepers younger than 25 might have given experience, if not confidence to the young team.

What we'll miss: First choice goalkeeper Shahidul Yousuf Alam Sohel. Not because he was incredible, but because we expect he'll be going into witness relocation programs.

137 Hau ba lai, Timor-Leste: 2014 Finish #203 (+66)
Why they lost: When the Little Samba Island was going well, they were really going well. A famous draw in Kuala Lumpur and a draw at home against Palestine was a vast improvement on the last cup. Even narrow defeats at home to Malaysia and UAE were things to take pride in. But when they went wrong, they really went wrong, with a 10-0 drubbing AT HOME to Saudi Arabia the final straw.

What we'll miss: Samba-offs in place of penalty shoot outs. Honestly, it seems about as fair, and possibly more dramatic (especially if we're dealing with Russian judges). 

136 Ila Al-Liqa, Yemen: 2014 Finish #179 (+43)
Al-Sarori celebrates, that much closer
to a college mixer!
Why they lost: The Red of Yemen didn't have much offense, and when both of their goals at this stage came from 40 minutes from substitute striker Ahmed Al-Sarori. To be fair he's only 17, and better still, he's only 17.

What we'll miss: With the rise of Al-Sarori, we may just be missing the final bottoming out of Yemen. 14 years ago they were dangerous, now they're increasingly an afterthought. Easier to miss the trough than the peak.

135 Phir Milenge, India: 2014 Finish #183 (+48)
Why they lost: India's biggest sports juggernaut: T20 Cricket. Great for a cricket-crazed country and people who love instant offense. Lousy for a minor soccer bubble and anyone who likes a good tea interval. (Sidebar: India also holds a unique distinction, the first team I've ever seen who had to forfeit a game 3-0 after losing it in real time...3-0)

What we'll miss: The probable swan song for Captain and 50 goal legend of the Blue Tigers: Sunil Chettri. Cricket players get half-centuries all the time, Chettri (31) may not be around long enough to add to his tally in another Cup Qualifier.

134 Selamat Tinggal, Malaysia: 2014 Finish #182 (+48)
Really hope they're debating whether
they like "Comet" or "Weeping Willows"
Why they lost: If your country gets shellacked 10-0, you're pretty much cooked in World Cup qualifying. If your country gets shellacked 10-0, you're probably going to be pretty upset with how your team and Federation are working. If you get shellacked 10-0, you might be tempted to show how upset you are at the next home match. However, if you get shellacked 10-0, then show your displeasure by throwing flares and smoke bombs on the pitch while your crew looks for a late equalizer against the best team in the're not helping much.

What we'll miss: A far more angsty counterpoint to the most frustrated American ultras.

133 Sok Dee DerLaos: 2014 Finish #191 (+58)
Why they lost: Laos saved their three goal outburst for a game that did not occur, winning by forfeit over Kuwait...and yet Kuwait still managed to finish six points clear of Tim Xad.

What we'll miss: The statute of limitations running out on the "New Laos National Stadium", constructed in 2009. I never thought I'd see the need for naming rights so clearly. Speaking of...any one want to go in on the naming rights for Laos' National Stadium with me?

132 To Bozdid, Tajikistan: 2014 Finish #186 (+54)
Why they lost: Squished amongst other former Soviet states, Tajikstan has the smallest landmass, relatively minor economic advantages, and a beloved leader/despot who has ruled for 22 years. I'm not saying they're a little disadvantaged in investments in youth soccer, but I'm guessing other things come before set-piece training.

What we'll miss: Despite a clear decline in their form from the last cycle, the Persian Lions have invested heavily in youth development, going so far as to make their U-19 side double up as a club team in their top division. On top of all this, they're making the team the focal point of their the only HD network in Tajikistan, so what I'll really miss is discovering exactly what passes for a "Hot Take" in Tajik color commentary.

131 Dhanee, Maldives: 2014 Finish #187 (+56)
Watch the sunset, or the news....
No brianer in the Maldives
Why they lost: Ahhh, Maldives, pretty enough to be my retirement home, tumultuous enough to be my nightmare. (Seriously, I know I just did a little mini-poli-sci rant about Tajikistan, but the Maldives makes that mess look as controversial as a Rick Santorum sweater vest.) There's a former president in jail for terrorism, a former vice president under arrest for plotting the assassination of his OWN president, and a growing hunger for the authoritarian, China-cuddling, radical-Islam preaching, son-of-a-former-dictator current president to lead the way. With all this unrest it was nice to have Bhutan to beat up on.

What we'll miss: Ali Ashfaq. Now, as he was before, the most interesting striker in Southeast Asia. And possibly, the most trustworthy public persona in the Maldives. 

130 Adios Esta, Guam; 2014 Finish 207 (+ 77)
Why they lost: Like Bhutan, Guam didn't even enter last cycle's tournament. Unlike Bhutan, Guam won a game in this round. They actually won two! And won a draw against Oman to be well positioned for advancement half-way through the round. Then the wheels came off the wagon, right around the time they went on the road.  Dropping their final four matches without scoring a goal (notably, talisman/LA Galaxy player AJ DeLaGarza did not travel for those games).

What we'll miss: Having a little slice of America kick butt in a totally different confederation: USA! USA! USA!

129 Tam Biet,  Vietnam: 2014 Finish 181 (+52)

Why they lost: If you ask the Vietnamese board, it probably has something to do with former coach Toshiya Miura's poor player development. Despite a solid 24 points out of 14 matches under Miura, and a better record with the U-23's, the board canned Miura after getting bounced out of the U-23 championships in January of this year. To be fair, under coach Nguyen Hu Thang, the first local manager to cover a Cup qualifier in over a decade, they did record a thumping 4-1 win over Taipei, and a narrow 1-0 loss away to Iraq.
Nguyen Van Toan...Nào Loons!!

What we'll miss: Scouting opportunities. (Under the theory that Vietnam has a clearer development system than Laos, I thought my local club side--Minnesota United--could consider taking on players who appeal to a large segment of the local fan base.) Two of the most promising candidates: Luong Xuan Truong and Do Duy Manh have already been poached by the J-League and the K-League respectively, but their fellow Academy member Nguyen Van Toan has also been called up...I'm just saying...

128 Thwa Dau Me, Myanmar: 2014 Finish 184 (+56)
Why they lost: Four years ago, we pinned their defeat on that all encompassing of villains, the military junta. This time, it's a little more logical: deprived of all home matches (see the in-match violence that contributed to their elimination last time round), it was vital to gather up as many road points as possible. But a late goal in Lebanon and a fail to scramble home a winner in Laos left them in fourth rather than second.

What we'll miss: Awkward photo ops for Aun San Suu Kyi. Nobel Peace Prize Winner, Parlimentarian, "State Counselor"/Power-Behind-the-Throne in Myanmar's politics, and burgeoning football fan!

127 Khuda Hafez, Afghanistan: 2014 Finish #200 (+73)
Why they lost: Still young, still growing, still optimistic, Afghanistan notched their first point ever in World Cup Qualifying. In fact they notched 9 points in 8 games, both massive improvements for the team. The downside is that the points all came against fellow lower tier squads like Cambodia and Singapore while juggernaut South Korea (and shocking story Syria) ran roughshod over them. 

What we'll miss: With players bringing their training from refugee locales around the world, the mixing of Afghanistan's Swedish, German, Dutch, and American roots makes them a veritable stew...or since we're talking about Afghanistan...a Chalau for the masses.

The fall of Bahrain is, indeed,
a head scratcher.
126 Allah Yisallimak, Bahrain: 2014 Finish #130 (+4)
Why they lost: With so many other rounds of qualifying knocked off before Asia wrapped up, it looks like Bahrain got a little better...but don't be fooled, this is a sharp decline from a team that twice in the last decade, was one match away from a World Cup debut. Maybe their golden generation has rusted, maybe they're despondent that Sheikh Salman wasn't elected as president, or maybe they're the poster children for how oodles of FIFA money can't buy you a trip to the big show.

What we'll miss: Poking fun at Sheikh Salman, I mean...c'mon, he was nearly the most powerful man in football AND a Human Rights abuser! Such a better villain than another bald European linked to offshore bank accounts again...c'mon let's not totally buy into cliches, people!!

125 Paalam, Phillipines: 2014 Finish #185 (+60)
Why they lost: I was rather bullish on The Azkals/Street Dogs at the start of this round, but they whimpered on the way to the finish line through a stunning 1-0 loss at home to bottom of the heap Yemen. 

What we'll miss: The logo that appears on most national team broadcasts: that's a dog that looks like it would even take a bite out of Manny Pacquiao!
124 Smell Ya Later, Singapore: 2014 Finish #138 (+14)
Why they lost: At the end of the day, second place Syria was simply better than Singapore. Big defeats home and away broke up a promising opening half of the campaign, and punctuated a miserable final three defeats in a row.

What we'll miss: I would say the by now psychic team chemistry between 120+ cap duo Baihakki Khaizan and Shahril Izak, but as they both play for the Malaysia's favorite B Team (Johor Da'Rul Tazim) they're nearly inescapable. So I'll just say the dream of covering a game in Singapore and writing off drinks at the Raffles bar as a business expense.

123 'Illa-liqaa, Lebanon: 2014 Finish #95 (-28)
Coming soon to a box near Beriut
Why they lost: As their greatest offensive outburst (a seven goal thumping of Laos) Lebanon can thrive when playing in from the wings, but their inability to repeat that feat against non-Laotian sides like Kuwait and South Korea tamped down their goal difference and stopped them from making their second straight trip to the last round of qualification.

What we'll miss: A host of young debutantes have a chance to make a real impact on the Cedars in years to come. Most notable FSV Mainz's goal keeper in waiting: Daniel Zeaiter.

122 Ila Al-Liqa, Palestine: 2014 Finish #178 (+56)
Why they lost: Palestine needs a much wider pipeline into the burgeoning world of Chilean/Palestinian prospects. The path blazed by defender Alexis Norambuena has now led to Yashir Pinto, who netted two goals in his first ever national cap.

What we'll miss: Any chance to see more matches in the Palestinian territory. After all, if they can host a match in Jerusalem or Hebron, it's because they have a safe environment for foreign teams, referees, journalists and observers. And the more safety there is in Palestine, the better for everyone.

121 Sag Bolun, Turkmenistan: 2014 Finish #177 (+56)
So Excited, But we Can Actually Hide It.
Why they lost: Turkmenistan was at their best at their home stadium in Ashgabat, City of White Marble and gargantuan golden statues of former President for Life Saparmurat Niyazov (who may also have named himself President of the After-Life, reports are vague). Had they been able to take all that white marble with them to Tehran, Oman or Guam, they might not have lost those matches.

What we'll miss: Following up a match in Turkmenistan with that most exciting of Turkemn activities: Bumper Cars

120 Jakshy Kalyngydzar, Kyrgyzstan.  2014 Finish: 188 (+68)
Why they lost: As we all know, as FC Dordoi goes, so goes the Kyrgyz national team....okay, maybe we don't all know that. The Yellow Blue of FC Dordoi Bishkek have put 19 players on the national team in the last year alone. But while that unity often pays off for national teams with cohesive squad mentalities (see Spain), Dordoi's struggles against reigning champions Aly Osh may have affected their confidence.

What we'll miss: Kyrgyzstan is a 30 point Scrabble word...if only they allowed Proper Nouns! 

119 Allah yisallimak, Oman. 2014 Finish #92 (-27)

All for Al-Habsi
Why they lost: Oman seems to be that perpetual bridesmaid of Asian soccer. Always on the cusp of breaking through, never actually doing it. It may have become part of their whole identity, like the Cubs or the Clippers. They've even begun to shuffle blithely to their doom in smaller contests like the Gulf Cup of Nations. Oman needs a win, a convincing, commanding triumph to get back on track. Perhaps they could host Andorra?

What we'll miss: If Daniel Zeaiter is the future of Goalkeeping, let's take a moment to tip our cap to the past in Ali Al-Habsi whose 118 national team appearances (and track record in the Premiership) have set a lofty standard for his heirs to the gloves in Oman.

118 Jongin, Hong Kong: 2014 Finish: #189 (+71)
Why they lost: In the NCAA tournament field they talk about "signature wins", impressive wins against vaunted opponents. Hong Kong needed one of those. Two scoreless draws against mainland rivals (both athletically as well as socially and politically: China. Against a backdrop of the umbrella revolution and perpetual soft power exertion by Xi Jingping, Hong Kong would have thrilled to beat their overlords opponents, or at least settled for eliminating them from the competition. (Poor perfromances by our next two eliminated squads couldn't even give them that small solace)

What we'll miss: Triumphs for democracy.

117 Annyong hi-Kashipishio, North Korea. 2014 Finish: #133 (+16)
Starting at every position soon....
Why they lost: There's a little bit of pressure on the Thousand Mile Horse (Chollima in Korean). Failure may be met with torture or public shaming. So with victory with less than 10 minutes to see out a victory that would move them on to the final round of qualifying, it is entirely plausible that the pressure got to them in Manila: ceding two late goals and beginning the long, slow march back to Pyongyang.

What we'll miss: Pak Kwang-ryong. The lone North Korean to play in Europe (in the Swiss League)...but I've also struggled to identify where he's playing at present. If you google yourself Kwang-ryong: STOP READING. Run, Run, RUN NOW.

116 Salaam, Jordan. 2014 Finish: #34 (-82)
Why they lost: The Chivalrous had a difficult time putting the ball through in the final third. Take away their shellackings of Bangladesh and their 21 goal outburst shrinks to 9. Part of that may come from the revolving door in the manager's seat since their inter-confederation playoff three years ago. Six coaches including two non-consecutive terms for local Ahmed Abdel-Qader, two ill-fated brits and one hapless Belgian have left a once promising squad adrift and listless.

What we'll miss: The vanishing Jordanian strike force of Abdallah Deeb (pushed back to the midfield) and Mossab al-Laham (uncalled for a year, and stalled out on the club side).

Saturday, February 20, 2016

FIFA Election 2016: Lose but Don't Choose

Just when you think you've done the unthinkable and escaped the endless talking points and countdown clocks around the American Presidential Primaries, I'm here to batter you with news of another election!

Don't worry, this one isn't about who gets access to nuclear launch codes, or the power to appoint a generation of jurists. It's actually about important things: World Football. Specifically the election of a new FIFA president (unless Sepp Blatter seizes power through some kind of bureaucratic coup, rising up with umpteen forms in triplicate and pockets stuffed with Swiss Francs).

Unfortunately, we have absolutely no way to influence the vote. No fan does. No FA has polled their populace. No debate was held (though one was hilariously/feebly scheduled). No candidate is glad handing or meeting regularly with the press, players or supporters who make the beautiful game so beautiful.

So perhaps it's fair to ask "why should we care about which over-indulged bureaucrat gets to over-indulge until they die or an Attorney General arrests them?" It's a fair question, but here's the fair answer: even the court jester had to know who was king. 

Much as we mock the misanthropes in Zurich, we are beholden to them for the national games, for the global pride, for the international joy of watching and wallowing in athletic artistry. We're stuck with them, and even if they don't care about us, what they choose to do will effect the games we see across America in the future.
Last Supper final
Candidates in the light from Left to Right:
Sexwale, Salman, Champagne, (Blatter & Platini), Infantino, Ali
Using, The Sporting Intelligence's insightful and brutally direct break down, I highlighted a few key parts of each candidates platform. Almost every candidate has known enough to make approving noises about big transparency issues, and pledges for reform, but so did Uncle Sepp, and while those things matter, we may not see the truth of such "reforms" for another 20 years or so. For the here and now, local fans will most notice if the next president works to: 
  • improve minor associations (which would expand the talent pool for US Club teams and support greater parity on the world stage);
  • expand the World Cup (from 32-40 as per Michael Platini's proposal)
  • invest in grassroots and women's football; tackling social ills (i.e. doping, racism, child trafficking from the third world under the guise of "club scouts"); 
  • include geo-political requirements on World Cup hosts (which would ideally save fans from the queasy feelings instilled by bully candidates like Russia and Qatar); 
  • and increase technology in the game (the one thing everyone has claimed they will do).
So where do they stand and who would win a local-fan primary? Let's look at the candidates, their life stories, their effect on local fans, their chances, and who their best presidential campaign corollary is (apologies to ardent Republicans who would rather not see their favorite candidates connected to the mess of FIFA. I'm not implying any judgement, it was just easier to draw from a big pool)

The Guy who Doesn't Know When to Quit: Prince Ali Bin Hussein
Who He Is: A member of the Jordanian royal family and runner-up to Sepp Blatter in the last election (in May of 2015). Prior to that he founded a regional organization for football in the Middle East, was a FIFA VP for Asia and a staunch advocate for allowing the hijab in Women's football. He's also kind of the rock and roll candidate, turning up to Arsenal games, showing up for just about every public event, showing his family man status, etc.

Who He Is Not: A humble street urchin posing as Prince Ali Ababwa...that would be ridiculous!

How He Would Effect Mid-American Fans: Hussein is in favor of continuing many of the growth oriented practices of FIFA's recent past (more technology, cracking down on racism, supporting small member associations, growing grassroots/women's game). But he differs in two key details: he would alter requirements for World Cup Hosts (incorporating human rights issues--after 2022--and looking for ways to decrease cost burdens on hosts), and he's mostly focused on giving money to smaller countries rather than growing membership or reforming local FAs. 

What are His Chances? Fading fast. Ali was the only other option 9 months ago, and had the backing of the Europeans furious with Blatter. But with two European candidates this time around, his support base has dried up faster than an Agrabah oasis.

Which US Candidate does He Resemble? Mike Huckabee/Chris Christie. Cool enough to be intriguing, but not to actually win anymore.

The Man Out of Time: Jerome Champagne
Who He Is: A French diplomat who segued into football management during the 1998 World Cup. After 11 years near the center of the football decision makers, Champagne took to bopping around the globe consulting smaller federations on ground level improvements (most notably in Palestine). He didn't get the nominations needed to run in 2015, but is back again and still bucking for the presidency.

How He Would Effect Mid-American Fans: Like Prince Ali, Champagne is one of the most vocal reform candidates. But he would take a more active role in addressing the minor associations (as a consultant for minnows, that makes sense): building pitches, pushing an on-line management training class, adding a voice for players in FIFA, getting boots on the ground in burgeoning markets (China/India/Indonesia) and explicitly campaigning to add Kosovo and more Oceanic nations.

What are His Chances? Not good. As relevant, viable, and progress-driven as he may seem in the eyes of fans and the press, he's not terribly relevant to the powers that be in FIFA-land, being dismissed by some as "the minutes taker". 

Which US Candidate does He Resemble? John Kasich. Obviously capable, but oblivious to the tides of voters and the times.

Infantino (w/ball) and his homies
The Rock Star: Gianni Infantino
Who He Is: A Swiss sports management official, given the defacto backing of European confederations when Michael Platini was banned in the fall. He's been around the ever increasing popularity of European football, and enjoys the support of lots of players also connected to UEFA management.

How He Would Effect Mid-American Fans: Unclear. Infantino is long on popularity and short on specific suggestions for improvement. Of the five topics I identified as relevant, he hasn't take a definitive stand on any of them (not even curbing racism, which...COME ON MAN!). He has said in the past that he backs World Cup expansion, and he wants to start his presidency with a football game at FIFA with some favorite old stars, which would be fun.

What are His Chances? Great! Most of Europe and South America have pledged their support, and with a platform that's long on vagaries and short on specifics, the old hands in Zurich will feel quite comfortable with him.

Which US Candidate does He Resemble? A hybrid of Jeb Bush's establishment credentials and Donald Trump's blanket pronouncements/celebrity pals.

The One with a Die-Hard Fan Base: Sheikh Salman
Who He Is: A member of the Bahraini royal family, Salman Bin Ibrahim al-Khalifa, has a degree in English literature, but rather than racking up debt (or just wasting royal family money) on a graduate degree, he got involved in football, first as president of the Bahrain FA (just as the team's golden generation finished painfully short of the World Cup in 2006 and 2010), and now as President of the Asian Federation. He also has been linked to the imprisonment and torture of Bahraini athletes who took part in pro-democracy protests during the Arab spring.

How He Would Effect Mid-American Fans: The Sheikh wants more money to small federations (his own has gotten the most over the last decade), and he has made appropriate mutterings about the social issues everyone cares about...or says they care about anyway. Racism = Bad. Mission accomplished. Hope you're happy everybody. But generally he wants to be hands off and let the game be the game. So if you're cool with how the most powerful clubs and countries have been doing things lately, get comfy.

What are His Chances? Pretty strong. Many FIFA watchers have suggested a potential backdoor deal between Infantino and Sheikh Salman where the president isn't white, and nothing really changes either. 

Which US Candidate does He Resemble? Ted Cruz. All the promise that makes his supporters happy, all the baggage that makes others wince.

The Zombie Campaign: Tokyo Sexwale
Who He Is: A former dissident and prisoner in Robben Island alongside Nelson Mandela. But rather than becoming a beacon for hope and democracy around the world, he followed up a brief political career by making gobs of money in mining, starting the "Say No to Racism" campaign, and becoming Franz Beckenbauer's BFF.

How He Would Effect Mid-American Fans: Sexwale is in favor of EVERYTHING! More associations! More grassroots promotions of pitches in the developing world! More money to the poor! More teams in the World Cup! More Women (presumably playing football)! More doping!...Wait...I mean, more stopping of doping! All he doesn't explicitly want is vetting of World Cup hosts, so get ready for Venezuela 2026!

What are His Chances? Bizarrely worse than the other "reformers". As a new face, a rich backstory, and a person from the underrepresented constituencies in FIFA, many tipped Sexwale (Seck-wall-ee, not Sex-whale) as a putative early favorite. But after making a big bang on his entrance, he's fizzled. His website is down, his twitter is dormant, his campaigning looks meek next to Ali and Champagne, and he has no confirmed voters (heck, even the mild mannered Champagne has Guinea-Bissau).

Which US Candidate does He Resemble? Ben Carson, but without the narcolepsy.

So, it's pretty clear that, barring some bizarre turn of events, it will be either Sheikh Salman or Gianni Infantino. But in a more democratic world, where the whole world actually had a voice, who would get your vote? 

Friday, January 01, 2016

What to Watch for Worldwide in 2016

We spent the last few days reflecting on the teams that have bowed out of the next round of the world Cup in 2015. Now it's time to look ahead to the 2016 International Soccer Calendar and ponder what, if anything, matters to the average Upper-Midwest-Mountain-Time-Zone-Type Soccer Fan.

January 3rd: SAFF Championship--India
Forget your podunk Tax Slayer and Alamo Bowls, the first real hardware on the line this year will be awarded when India and Afghanistan meet in Kerala this Sunday. The Afghans have long dominated the subcontinent but are about to defect to a different subregion, meaning that India will soon be the lone giant in their area (as usual). The Blue Tigers have already been mathematically eliminated from the world cup qualifiers with two games to go, but they play throwback American footy. As in: a throw back to those late 80 days when 90% stadium seats were empty and even the best players were tentative. Ahhh memories. (You can watch the live stream here at 7 AM local time Sunday, but be warned there are no announcers, but feel free to invent your own.)

January 11th: Ballon d'Or Awards
AKA Lionel Messi wracks his brain to think of someone he hasn't yet thanked in an acceptance speech. great-great-great grandma I guess?
January 12th-30th: Asian Olympic Qualifying/U-23 Championship
It will be interesting to see who makes it to the Olympics (I'm still riding the Thai War Elephants bandwagon), but what really matters is our sense of progress and organization in Qatar who hosts the tournament. Sure it's still 6 years off, and they've hosted an Asian Cup with more spectators and journalists, but the closer we get to 2022 the more we want to see wrinkles ironed out.

February 7th: African Nations Championship
You might be thinking...didn't Africa just play a championship last year? Yes they did, but this time they take only players based on the continent into their national teams, giving a slightly trickier job to the coaches involved. Unfortunately the late timing means that if someone has a great tournament they have to wait five long (injury-prone) months before they can become a transfer target again. But, as an added bonus, you can brag at that evening's Super Bowl party that you won the Office ANC Pool. ("What's that?" you can continue "your office doesn't have a pool for the African Nations Championship final? Well...I suppose we're just more worldly over where I work"--and that's how you win Hipster of the Year with 10 months to spare)

February 26th: FIFA's Extraordinary Congress
Sadly, it's not a congress made up of FA directors who are also steam punk superheroes. It's a bunch of officials running to replace Sepp Blatter as most derided and loathed man in the world. There's a full month plus of campaigning, including the possibility of a live ESPN debate around the world on January 29th so we can get more into the who, what and why and if you want logical, intelligent coverage rather than my style of mockery and pop culture allusions, Sporting Intelligence has just about everything you need to know to make an informed decision about who you would least dislike winning an election you can't vote in.

Be prepared to loathe one of these men for the rest of their professional lives!
March 15th & 16th: FIFA Meetings on Development and Cup Organization
AKA Shoot, people are watching us do we "develop" our bank accounts like this?

March 21st-29th: International Break #1
The biggest piece in this session will be Asia's final round of second round matches, with a number of spots in the final round still up for grabs. The great stories of Bhutan and Guam have reached their disappointing endings, but there's still hope for Cinderella story runs for Thailand (coming of a trophy win last year), Hong Kong (who could qualify off the back of China) and Syria (who...holy hell what would their progression mean?).

May 12th-15th: FIFA Congress in Mexico City
The new president will have the eyes of the world on him as he announces a host of minor bureaucratic "reforms" that will either continue the devolution of power to an international base or set billionaire European club owners toes a-curling.

May 15-29th: COSAFA Cup--Windohek, Namibia
Bafana Bafana remains the dominant force in the region, but shockingly trail Zimbabwe and Zambia in total titles. With Zambia a dark horse for Wold Cup qualifying and Botswana and Angola riding a youth wave, there are some interesting story lines to watch before most teams settle in for three years of waiting for the 2022 qualifiers.

May 28-June 11: OFC Nations Cup/2nd Round Qualifiers
AKA New Zealand enjoys some lovely beach weather in Papua New Guinea and wonders how it can join the Asian Federation.
C'mon All Whites, look at this view

June 3-26: Copa America Centenario--USA
Ahh, the tournament that gave Attorney General Loretta Lynch the opening needed to whomp FIFA on the head with the reform stick (thanks Traffic Sports Marketing!!) For those who are still keen on seeing great international soccer (assuming it rises above the stink of bribery that it was built on) it's only 5 hours to Chicago which will host three first round games (including one US Men's National Team and one Argentine game) as well as a semi-final.

June 10-July 10: Euro 2016--France
The big tournament of the summer will offer answers to a few big questions: is Germany unbeatable? Can Spain and Italy bounce back? Are France and Belgium ready to join the short list of title contenders? Dare we dream of Irish, Welsh or Icelandic qualification? Who is destined to make Euro pundits giggle like star-struck teens before turning in a wildly disappointing next season and disappearing off the face of the sporting earth? Ohh, Euro season, how I tolerate you.

June 24: CAF 3rd Round Qualifying draw
While some strong teams still look indomitable (Ivory Coast, Algeria, Ghana) we've reached that stage of African development where often overlooked squads are on the rise (Cape Verde Islands and Congo), while older squads have faded just enough to create groups of deaths (Egypt and Nigeria). We'll have to wait and see how the groups shake out, but there's a good chance that three more spots will be in the balance.
Alright! More Cartoon Sports Enthusiasts
August 3-20: Olympic Tournament--Rio de Janeiro
Hey! A soccer tournament in Brazil! Move over pigeons of Manaus, we need that stadium again...for a couple of hours anyway. Seriously, the U-23 teams coming in from around the world should give a sense of which county's development programs may be bearing fruit in two years time (Denmark, Sweden, Honduras, South Africa, maybe just maybe the US--if they can beat Columbia in March).

August 29-September 6: International Break #2
Just a few weeks into the start of the new club season, and just six weeks after the Euro Championships, UEFA starts another round of Cup Qualifiers, and even San Marino dreams big (We lost 5-0 it's a miracle!!)

October 3-11: International Break #3
It's Africa's turn to start a round of qualifications based on the June draw for 5 groups. Assuming people aren't so pumped after watching the new Channing Tatum as Gambit movie to lose focus. They love their early-90s X-Men in Gabon!

Let's go, cher pantheres!
October 20-11: FIFA Meetings on Marketing and Television/Development
AKA "Dude, check out all the tv money we can...oh...dang it, they're still looking."

October/November: Central/East-Central African Cup (Possibly?)
Uganda has been on a great run of late, making the third round of World Cup qualifiers and winning their 14th regional cup. If (as Wikipedia seems to believe) there's another cup in the offing, the Cranes may be able to build themselves up more for a longer qualifying run (or run themselves ragged when they need to be fresh).

November 7-15: International Break #4
North American fans rejoice, it's time to start the Hexagon. Assuming the US can get past the Grenadines and Tobago, we will see more high stakes matches with local rivals Mexico and Costa Rica, whether or not we see that with Jurgen at the helm depends on your fondness for our resident Ubermensch.
Jurgen and his critics move to a slightly larger space

December: ASEAN Football Federation Cup--Myanmar/Phillipines
What a great way for Aung Sang Suu Kii to celebrate her first year in power! The Southeast Asian nations will run another tournament. With Thailand on track for their first final qualifying round and Vietnam still in the hunt, the AFF Cup might make a good tune up for those teams with big dreams, or salve the wound if it all falls apart. Plus, I hear the Nobel Prize winner's a pretty creative attacking midfielder.

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Happy Trails in 2015 (168-143): Agony of Da-feet

This is part of what ought to be a consistent series about the teams eliminated from contention for the World Cup. It ought to be consistent, and I ought to be better about balancing work and personal life. Still, before we embark on another big year in international soccer it's nice to remember those we are destined to forget about in 2015.

There's a lot of them so we'll split it into two posts: this is the second post, devoted to those teams who won just enough to make this really hurt.

CONCACAF 3rd Round
168 Gotta go, Grenada (2014 Finish #155; -13
Why They Lost: Much as some might complain about the overly defensive and dull football we see now-a-days, a little bit of defense is rather valuable. Ceding six goals to Haiti and only scoring one thanks to a penalty made the Spice Boys a lost cause.

What We'll Miss: Seeing the few remaining Spice Men from last cycles squad explain what the Spice Girls were to the brewing batch of 20 somethings coming up with Grenada.

167 Best wishes, Belize (2014 Finish #150; -17)
Ohh, that old time propaganda
Why They Lost: If you think that Canada has it tough (what with being America's hat), just know that Belize has it even tougher. Claims that they're Honduras' belt buckle have a lot more menace to them, given long histories of Central American conflict, as opposed to the 200 years of tenuous peace between the US and Canada. I'm sure the Canucks were just trying to teach their fellow Commonwealthers how to deal with the angst...and snuck four goals against them just because.

What We'll Miss: The CONCACAF poster  boy for scoring for fun: Deon Macaulay, especially if we can put his name alongside Luis Suarez for top scorer in the tournament.

166 Ayo, Curacao (2014 Finish #149; -17)
Why They Lost: With coach Patrick Kluivert at the helm, Curacao had a tremendous run of form, going undefeated in his first six matches. Unfortunately that Kluivertian magic ran out because Patrick Kluivert could not call up Patrick Kluivert to pick apart El Salvador.

What We'll Miss: More Patrick Kluivert analysis!! PATRICK KLUIVERT!!!

165 And we'll be seeing you, Antigua Barbuda (2014 finish #128; -37)
Why They Lost: The Brenna Boys were keen to keep the magic of their last run in a World Cup (when they made what it is now the 4th round), and the master work of their last round (when they piled on the goals late against Saint Lucia to win on aggregate). And while they had it in hand after a first leg win, and a first-half scoreless line, two late goals ended what they clearly wanted to be a recurring dream.

What We'll Miss: Antigua/Barbuda's two captains, Josh Parker (at Red Star Belgrade) and Quinton Griffith (with USL's Charleston Battery) are strong, experienced, well capped and just 25 and 23 respectively.

164 Tot Gauw, Aruba (2014 Finish #192; + 28)
*NOTE: If you noticed Aruba in a previous Happy Trails, please return and see just how Barbados lost a game they won*
Why they lost: After "winning" despite not scoring a goal in the last round, Aruba turned their attentions to a more home grown squad, trimming their Dutch league talent from 14 to 6. Still, they scored more goals than they had maybe the magic touch will be an all Aruban line up

What we'll miss: The eternal dream of being able to sing "Aruba, Jamaica, ooh I want to take you" with a group of ultra fans at a World Cup qualifier between the Beach Boys' rivals.

163 Adios, Nicaragua (2014 Finish #153; -10)
Why They Lost: La Azul y Blanco, won a great victory in Kingston, trumping the CONCACAF silver medalist on their home turf. But that don't mean a thing if you don't keep it together in your own backyard, losing 2-0 to fall 4-3 on aggregate.

What We'll Miss: The chance to get Fox Sports and Fox News to cross promote with Oliver North as an embedded reporter with the Nicaraguans!

CAF 2nd Round
162 Tutaonana, Tanzania (2014 Finish #100; -62) -7 to Algeria +2
Why They Lost: Tanzania forgot one of the most critical rules in international football: "don't lose 7-0 to Algeria".

What We'll Miss: We were fans of Mrisho Ngassa before. We're still fans of Mrisho Ngassa. But when his national team only gives him two caps in two's a little hard to feel the love.

161 A bientot, Togo (2014 Finish #106; -55)
Why They Lost: The downside to having a golden generation that takes you to two world cups, is that eventually they get older and less golden.

What We'll Miss: Emmanuel Adebayor's auditions to play somewhere...anywhere...

160 Later, Liberia (2014 Finish #107; -53
Why They Lost: The Lone Stars have been undergoing quite the change of late with 22 players being called up to experience national team life for the first time. Unfortunately, when you play Cote D'Ivoire and their years of experience, you get blooded and bloodied at the same time.

What We'll Miss: Liberia recently called up George Weah Jr. (who did have 2 caps with the US U-20 squad), and the thought of the former World Player of the Year coming with orange slices is kind of nice.

159 M'asselema, Sudan (2014 Finish #113; -56)  
Why They Lost: The Falcons of Jediane struggled to do one critical thing against Zambia: score.

What We'll Miss: Omar Al-Bashir has been downgraded to number two on the list of tyrannical Bashirs around the world. It would be nice to rub his nose in that a little longer...if it didn't involve, you know...allowing the other awful Bashir to continue being awful.

158 Nangalapo, Namibia (2014 Finish #103; -55
Why They Lost: Like Liberia and Sudan, Namibia dropped three goals to their rival this round (Guinea), as the old saying goes: live by Willy Stephanus, die by Willy Stephanus

What We'll Miss: There's a whole lot of crazy FA Logos out there, and it's a little comforting to find a few understated classics out there.
Shirt badge/Association crest

157 Sai Watarna, Niger (2014 Finish #110; -47)
Why They Lost: Les Menas (or the Gazelles if you prefer not to speak French) got a tremendous result with a draw in Cameroon, but dropped three goals in the first leg at home to seal their own fates.

What We'll Miss: A favorite of ours from last cycle, Amadou Moutari, has excelled for Anzhi Makhachkala since he moved there two years ago, earning promotion and keeping them just above the drop zone.
Gelson hoping for a ride to prom

156 Enda Nawa, Angola (2014 Finish #104; -52
Why They Lost: That old cliche about scoring too early was proven all the more accurate when they scored their only goal of the tie, in the second minute of the first match. After that...South Africa kept tacking on.

What We'll Miss: That goal scorer? 19 year old Gelson, the future of Angolan soccer, particularly since the past of Angolan soccer has pretty much headed home.

155 Murabeho, Rwanda (2014 Finish #111; -44)  -3 to Libya +1 (Libya Lowest team left from July ranks)
Why They Lost: The Wasps are one of the youngest, and most intriguing teams of the moment. They've been rising in stature through the last several years with a young and growing squad. They were favored in their match against Libya, but after a penalty in the first game they were on the back foot. And Libya was able to capitalize on a desperate Rwandan squad in the second half to put it away.

What We'll Miss: Four years is a long time to wait for Rwanda to get back in action, that's where keeping up on other African competitions will pay off.

154 Adieu, Chad (2014 Finish #162; + 8)
Why They Lost: Chad very nearly pulled an upset of the early stages having taken a 1-0 victory over Egypt in the first tie (even though the Pharaohs hit them hard in Chad a month before). But four goals int he first half in Alexandria to start the second leg ended any hopes Les Sao might have had.

What We'll Miss: Le Mond Francophone. Chad has 20 of its 22 most recent call ups playing in one of 6 French speaking leagues around the world. That's a lot of haute cuisine.

153 Veloma, Madagascar (2014 Finish #161; +8)
Why They Lost: Everything was copacetic in Antananarivo, the Barea scored two in the first half to grab an early lead. But it wasn't enough to win the first 45 minutes, and Senegal scored 5 in the remaining 135 to take it by a seemingly comfortable 5-2 margin.

What We'll Miss: Madagascar's second goal scorer was Njiva Rakotoharimalala, and as awesome as that name is to say, it's still not quite as good as his fellow midfielder John Baggio Rakotonomenjanahary...seriously, Roberto Baggion might be the more legendary athlete,
 Le Comodore du Comoros

152 Namkwaheri, Comoros (2014 Finish #166; + 14)
Why They Lost: Comoros started well with a draw at home with the now perennially problematic Ghanaian squad, but you can't really stop the Ayew boys, you can only hope to contain them, and so it was with Comoros as well.

What We'll Miss: I invariably relate Comoros with there's that little amusement gone.

151 Sala Kahle, Swaziland (2014 Finish #169; +18)
Why They Lost: At some point you might assume that the mightiest teams were playing back a bit, waiting for the home leg to seize the advantage. Yet again the underdog got a draw to start, and yet again in the second leg, the top flight squad took the advantage. So you could say Swaziland lost because they got played by the system.

What We'll Miss: If the mayors of teams in national championships make wagers on who will win, it would be nice to see the King of Swaziland bet the Queen of England on a match (particularly as it would add just enough pressure to get the English to scuffle).

150 Ma'as salaama, Mauritania (Did not enter in 2014
Why They Lost: Tunisia tallied a pair of 2-1 wins both home and away, as untested goal keeper Brahim Soulemaine yielded four to four different scorers.

What We'll Miss: It's a shame that the Maruitania First Division doesn't get much air time in the states. Reigning champions Tevragh Zeina can boast of having a midfield full of national team selections.

149 Dehna Hunu, Ethiopia (2014 Finish #38; -111
Why They Lost: Maybe the thrill of their epic run last time around was bound to beget a hangover. Maybe they were worn down from their first round victory. Maybe Congo was just better. Whatever the case there will be no repeat for the Walia whose crashing defeat may make them the biggest drop from one cup to the next.

What We'll Miss: The audacity and fearlessness of Getaneh Kedabe, notching two of the team's four goals this round and showing why (at age 23) he's entrenched at the top of the Ethiopian scorer sheet.

148 Kwaherini, Kenya (2014 Finish #108; -40)
Why They Lost: Kenya nearly knocked out the other epic story of underdog overachievement from 2014 when they took the first leg against Cape Verde. But ceding a brace to Heldon Ramos back in Praia, swung it back towards the Blue Sharks

What We'll Miss: Kenya's president and vice president have had to face questions from the International Criminal our decision to invest in Kenyan sports tv rather than Kenyan CourtTv is looking like less of a winner.

147 Magha, Equatorial Guinea (2014 Finish #102; -45
Why They Lost: The "National Thunder" has been riding high since their fourth place finish in January (you know...the super sketchy one filled with accusations of human rights violations, referee bribes and a semifinal riot?). But the heavily favored Equitorians were bounced by everyone's oft-forgotten old giant of African football: Morocco...maybe because they could bribe/riot their way to victory?

What We'll Miss: Teodoro Obiang. Of all the ass-hatted dictators who use football to supplement their hold on power among lower classes, you are surely one of them.

146 Salang Sentle, Botswana (2014 Finish #69; -77)
Why They Lost: The Zebras ousted Eritrea in the first round and took a 2-1 lead into the second leg with Mali. But the 2-0 loss in Bamako was enough to end their run.

What We'll Miss: Have you seen these jerseys? I mean...seriously...have you seen them? Zubas are ready for a law suit!

145 N'gasaka, Burundi (2014 Finish #163; +18)
Why They Lost: Fiston Abdul Razak can do many things. He got Burundi past Seychelles, and nearly got Les Hisrondelles back into the end of their tie with DR Congo. But he cannot stop shots...yet...

What We'll Miss: We sadly don't know many guys named Fiston.

144 Bo yi bo wa, Benin (2014 Finish #105; - 39
Why They Lost: Like so many teams, Benin couldn't finish off an early lead with a win or draw on the road when they needed it. As consolation, they did lose to Burkina Faso, perhaps the most deserving team yet to make a World Cup.

What We'll Miss: Every time I look into Benin there's another random factoid to amuse me. Their team nickname is "The Squirrels" seriously!!

143 Adeus, Mozambique (2014 Finish #112; -31)
Why They Lost: After 180 minutes Mozambique and Gabon were knotted at 1. So they played extra time, and were still tied. So they kicked penalties, and when gifted a golden opportunity when Malick Evouna missed, Luis Miquissone AND Clesio Bauque both misfired. That was all Gabon needed

What We'll Miss: Deriding Bauque. After all, he just got promoted to the Benefica A Team, so maybe there will be another chapter in his story.

Happy Trails in 2015 (184-169): Dead on Arrival

This is part of what ought to be a consistent series about the teams eliminated from contention for the World Cup. It ought to be consistent, and I ought to be better about balancing work and personal life. Still, before we embark on another big year in international soccer it's nice to remember those we are destined to forget about in 2015.

There's a lot of them so we'll split it into two posts: first up those teams whose qualification collapsed at the first hurdle.

OFC 1st Round
184 Muo Nofo A, Tonga (2014 Finish #172; -12
Why They Lost: Tonga struggled much more than last time out, failing to gather a single point against their fellow Oceanic Minnows (which is to say their fellow Sardines of world football).

What We'll Miss: All the delightful comedy of the Tongalese youth movement (8 players are Under 23, including three strikers no older than 18 and also fielded 15-year-old Anthony Likiliki.

183 Ka Kite, Cook Islands (2014 Finish #174; -9)
Why They Lost: With a group leading six points entering the final match, a draw would have been enough to see the Cooks [not their nickname] into the next round, instead two second half goals to American Samoa dropped them into a three-way tie and undid the work of Taylor Saghabi who netted all 4 of the Cooks goals.

What We'll Miss: Trying to popularize their national team nickname: THE COOKS!

182 Tofa, American Samoa (2014 Finish #173; -9)
Why They Lost: While both Cook Islands and Samoa walloped little Tonga 3-0, American Samoa had to come back after ceding a first half goal and only took a 2-1 victory. Had they matched the other scores, they'd have had the goal difference needed to move on.
Saelua and Rongen

What We'll Miss: In addition to references to the inimitable Thomas Rongen (known to my Minnesota readers as the former coach of the Tampa Bay Rowdies), there's also the remarkable story of Jaiya Saelua who made her debut as the first transgender athlete in a World Cup qualifier (but failed to appear in this round of qualifying)

CAF 1st Round
181 Ma'as salaama, Djibouti (2014 Finish #171: -10
Why They Lost: Djibouti ceded 7 goals to those bullies from Swaziland. Then again, that was an improvement from their eight-nil drubbing against Namibia last time out. But when you've only played 5 matches in four years, you can't expect top form.

What We'll Miss: The chance to compose satirical...okay, just punny...lyrics to the classic Buddy Hackett song "Shipoopi"

180 Nabad geylo, Somalia (2014 Finish #168 - 12)
Why They Lost: Somalia still can't host any games and gave up two on their Ethiopian "home leg" to Niger. From there the trip to Niamey was more or less a forgone conclusion

What We'll Miss: As someone who lives in the heart of the Somali diaspora I'm still dreaming of an additional excuse to watch a match and gorge on Sambusa.

179 Selamet, Eritrea (2014 Finish #165; -14)
Why They Lost: Four years ago, Eritrea struggled after two years of non competition. This time around, the 18 men called up had a grand total of 13 caps to their names. Botswana won both legs handily.

What We'll Miss: Great coverage of the Eritrean team by local writers...oh wait! No we wouldn't because local dictator Isaias Afewerki is currently celebrating his eighth straight year atop the "least-free press" rankings. When you're suppressing opinions that much, it's hard to work in time on the pitch.

178 M'asselema, South Sudan (Did not exist for 2014 Qualifiers
Why They Lost: Despite a first leg draw at home (when all the scoring was done in the first 5 minutes), South Sudan ceded four goals in Mauritania to seal their fate.

What We'll Miss: After decades of struggle, conflict and war, (decades that are still going on, by the by) it's a shame that the Bright Stars don't have a slightly longer run to distract them.

177 Orevwar, Seychelles (2014 Finish #170; -7
Shirt badge/Association crestWhy They Lost: The Pirates had no answer for Burundi's deadly striker: Fiston Abdul Rizak. He netted in both legs, the Secyhelles netted in neither, and that does make it hard to compete.

What We'll Miss: This national team logo, which could easily be substituted for many, if not all Floridian teams.

176 Where'd you go, Mauritius (2014 Finish #175; -1
Why They Lost: A gritty nil-nil draw in Kenya is a good result for a team with Mauritius' low profile. Unfortunately it came after a 2-5 drubbing at home.

What We'll Miss: The only non-extinct Dodos are, as ever, one of my favorite nicknames of any national team.

Sorry Manasse!
175 Gue Ngozi, Central African Republic (2014 Finish #109; -66
Why They Lost: I'm tempted to say something about inability to protect their home turf (given the home loss and away draw), but it may be a little too soon after the civil war.

What We'll Miss: Predictions about C.A.R. players. Last time around I was all excited about Ligue 1 talents Fernander Kassai (who has now been kicked down to Kazakhstan) and Hilaire Momi (now clubless). This cycle's unlucky target? Defender Manassé Enza-Yamissi currently in the top league of Portugal, and soon to be starring in Antarctica.

174 Tchau, Sao Tome e Principe (2014 Finish #167; -7
Why They Lost: Having bested one of my long time favorites, Ethiopia at home, a three-nil drubbing in Addis Abbaba crushed the dream.

What We'll Miss: Extended gloating against fans of Sporting Praia Cruz, with 7 players on the national team you know those bandwagon fans would have been insufferable.

173 Nabai, Guinea Biseau (2014 Finish #164; -9)
Why They Lost: Last cycle, it was Emmanuel Adebayor who crushed the Djurtus' dream, this time it was Liberia's William Jebor, whose hat trick in Guinea Bissau was the death sentence.

What We'll Miss: A chance to see midfielder Zezinho, I said last time around that 19 year old midfielder Zezinho might grow into a force if he built up his time with Sporting Lisbon. Instead he has languished on loans, neither playing nor growing. Only two matches for Gineau Bissau doesn't help that either.

172 Tionana, Malawi (2014 Finish #67; -105)
Why They Lost: Malawi had a hard time finding the net, dropping behind two goals to Tanzania in the first leg, and only finding it once at home when there was everything to play for, but were unable to steal a win (or even send it to penalties)

What We'll Miss: As Malawi are "The Flames" and as the kids like to threaten to "Flame" their rivals, it seemed like a good time to establish some Malawian based insults, (i.e. "don't mess with me or I'll rip you apart like Chiukepo Msowoya rips apart Zambia!")...I'm not good at this.

Shirt badge/Association crest171 Fo tuma du, Gambia (2014 Finish #116; -55)
Why They Lost: Having fought back for a draw at home, it all looked good for Gambia when they took an early 1-0 lead in Windhoek. But defender/captain Abdou Jammeh couldn't lock down the back, and two second half goals later it was all over for the Scorpions.

What We'll Miss: Entry number two in our mid-nineties retro logo campaigns. Somewhere there's a brand executive muttering."..if they just changed that red to a teal...."

170 Tsamayng Hantle, Lesotho (2014 Finish #114; -56
Why They Lost: Mohamed M'Changama. A goal up with twenty minutes to go, Lesotho looked good for progression, but when Comoros' leading/only goal scorer slotted home, that away goal was all she wrote and Lesotho was gone.
We miss you already Kei

What We'll Miss: Strong defense. Literally. Lesotho has one top flight club run named for the armed forces and another organized by prison guards.

169 Nain Dat, Sierra Leone (2014 Finish #101; - 68
Why They Lost: Away goals. Away goals. My kingdom for someone who can explain the Away goals rule to me. Chad scored at the end of the first half in Sierra Leone, meaning that the two goals Sierra Leone scored to win the match weren't enough to win the series. C'mon...there's got to be another way...third match on neutral turf? Anything's better than "away goals"...except a coin flip maybe.

What We'll Miss: Like all good American fans there's only one acceptable answer: Kei Kamara.