AFC's WIBD #2 (GO TREES!)

Yes, it's an eco-friendly version of the "Well, I'll Be Damned!"Minnow of the Round award as we recognize the most adorable of Asian underdogs: Lebanon.

Setting aside the unlikely ascent of Tajikistan (who lost two matches, then got into the next round anyway by virtue of Syria getting disqualified), Lebanon is easily the most rank outsider in the third round of Asian qualifying ranking in the bottom half of Asian teams. They are 21 spots below Bangladesh, even after a 4-0 drubbing of the Bengal Tigers in Beruit (Hey, even in soccer the Bengals can't win!)

Despite that big win (recapped in English here), there hasn't been much to

celebrate of late. First Lebanon slipped into the next round despite losing 2-0 in Bangladesh. Then they bid farewell to the coach who led them this far (Emile Rustom) and brought back old coach Theo Bucker (Booker? Booger?). Add to this the whole Lebanon/Hezbollah/Arab Spring/general unrest thing and you have a place that's not exactly conducive to sporting glory. (To be clear though, I have to give credit to Lebanon writer Kenny Laurie who wrote a scathing smackdown of Sepp Blatter)

If the Cedars are going to have any chance against the slightly more intimidating force of South Korea's Taegeuk Warriors and the White & Blue of the UAE and Kuwait, they'll need the very best of 23-year-old star-in-the-making Hassan Maatouk (he of the Futsaal fame, pictured at left). It probably wouldn't hurt to get returns from Roda Antar and Youssef Mohamed (two Lebanese stars who have built careers overseas), and hey, while we're at it maybe punch Srecko Katanec in the face (he who claimed the UAE would quote: "have no problem with Lebanon")...clearly Mr. Katanec does not know much about Lebanon.

All in all we here at the Montanan Hooligans' World Cup Center want to go green as we cast our vote for best underdog in Asia. So here's to you Lebanon and your Mighty Cedars! Go forth and conquer...oh wait, you're trees...well, just stand still and conquer!

CONCACAF's Minnow to Watch (Round 2)

We're a week away from the next World Cup Qualifier Match Day with action brewing in North America and Asia. Before those matches kick off we're going to try and introduce some of the unlikely squads still standing and offer our comprehensive, utterly illogical analyses of each qualifying group.

Let's start out by introducing the "Well I'll Be Damned" team in the North American 2nd Round: the US Virgin Islands (USVI for short).

How unlikely is the 2nd round berth for the "Dashing Eagles" of the USVI? Bear in mind that they only became a FIFA recognized team in 2000. Over the last decade the team's record was 1 Win, 6 Draws and 20 Losses. In June they neared a personal best in the World Rankings by getting to 193rd in the World. The area is known more for being a port for cruise ships than for having any football fortunes to speak of.

Then this happened:

After 2 wins over the British Virgin Islands and advancing on to the Second Round of the Cup competition, the USVI has leapt up to 149th in the World--in a dead heat with Madagascar. They've already gone farther than any USVI team ever has in the Cup...can the go even farther?

Honestly...Maybe. Top ranked Haiti has been in disarray of late (with good reason) and neither Antigua and Barbuda nor Curacao have a larger international legacy than the USVI does. Some of the local press have got high hopes for a third round tussle with the big bad U.S. of A, but that might be putting the cart before the horse--or in USVI terms, putting the sales before the conch shells--especially given the inexperience of the team.

Most players ply their trade in the amateur league that dots the three islands (St. Thomas, St. John and St. Croix), but a young squad has gotten better by incorporating college players into the mix including a Seton Hall Griffin, a Pitt Panther and Alberto Van Grup--a Virginia Tech Hokie. Unfortuantely, it's not clear yet whether the college boys will be able to squeeze Cup qualifiers into their course schedule...I mean, can you imagine selling that to a professor? "Yeah, I know that we have a mid-term but I have to fly to Curacao...to play soccer...please...". Not the most compelling excuse I've yet heard.

But the best player may be Reid Klopp who has made two appearances and scored two goals to boost the Dashing Eagles into the second round. He lives on the islands so no worries about his arrival, and hey...if the NBA's locked the USVI could always ask Tim Duncan to come home and use his height in a Peter Crouchian manner. (He's already got the Robot thing wired!)

But win lose or draw you've gotta root for the Dashing Eagles and the US Virgin Islands. If only because they play and pump themselves up like your local high school squad. (Seriously, hard to imagine snobby Frenchmen doing this)

So best of luck Dashing Eagles! Rise on!

Happy Trails #186 & 176 (Second Thoughts Edition)

I was all set to write about cinderella stories, and then I read the news that FIFA has decided to eliminate two teams, because--according to the official press releases--Sepp Blatter does what he wants to bitches!!

Seriously, there's no detail in either posting just: "TEAM X is hereby disqualified for violating Rule Y Subsection 43d. In accordance with FIFA regulations, this decision is binding and will not be subject to appeal or reversal, so suck on that."

As a result we have to make a couple quick corrections to the Happy Trails posts, and here they are

186 Ma'a As Salaamah Syria

Why They Lost: Yeah, remember when I said that Syria won the first leg 2-1 and the second leg 4-0? Yeah, what I meant to say was: "Tajikistan won both legs 3-0" Minor mistake I know...but, as you can tell...a pretty clear difference.

Who/What We'll Miss: I can't say for certain, but I'm pretty sure that this

George Mourad guy looks pretty good. I mean, he not only score a vital goal early in the first leg against Tajikistan, he also managed to change from Swedish to Syrian in just six short years! Or wait...you don't suppose that his doing that and failing to ask for FIFA's permission was the root cause of the whole problem do you?

176 Buh-Bye Bahamas

Why They Lost: They didn't. FIFA didn't even pretend they did. We all just looked up one morning and POOF no more Bahamas. The Press release from CONCACAF makes a little more sense: apparently the Bahamas FA built a beautiful new stadium, but forgot to build those pesky roads that would get fans TO said stadium. Once it became clear that they wouldn't be able to host any matches (or draw any revenue from said matches) the Bahamas became a whole lot less inclined to fly its team all around Central America just so that slightly bigger teams like Panama and Nicaragua could kick them around for 90 minutes. So, instead the team will sit back and enjoy the beautiful Bahamanian scenery.

Who/What We'll Miss: Not for nothing but the team captain's name is Happy Hall. If we picked the best players just by their name, he'd be a sure fire member of the squad. Also..to be sure, that stadium does look pretty sweet.

So there you go, two more teams bite the dust, and the Tajiks get a second chance. Next up we'll finally get around to celebrating the little minnows who can still dream of an utterly implausible World Cup berth. Assuming they don't forget a critical part of their infrastructure or accidently employ a psuedo-Swede.

Happy Trails #191-177 (AFC Rd. 2)

Before we look ahead to the next set of matches kicking off in early September, let's pour one out for the teams who have fallen out of the competition.

191 Sok Dee Der Laos

Why they lost: Perhaps I put a bit of a jinx on Thim Xad by giving them the recognition of being the first "Well I'll Be Damned" Award. Perhaps the Laotian sport press was right that the team was weak in defense. Perhaps the Chinese national team was a little tougher than the Cambodian one. What ever the case, conceding 13 goals in two matches rarely works out well, and definitely led to the Laos loss.

Who/What we'll miss: A great Cinderella/scrappy underdog story would have been awesome--hence the whole post that I wrote about them...not to mention crushing Chinese hopes. Ah well...better luck next time.

190 Namaste Nepal

Why they lost: The Gorkha Warriors were another team that couldn't quite keep pace with a bigger, stronger Asian power, falling to Jordan 10:1 on aggregate. But they did pull together an excellent second leg, getting a 1:1 draw that was a small comfort after a 9:0 drubbing in Aman.

Who/What we'll miss: The big name in Nepal is Rohit Chand, a 19 year old center back who has been pumped up as a player good enough to make it in the upper echelons of Europe. Wikipedia claims that he's getting a shot with Kettering Town FC in England's 5th tier, which might make him easier to scout than if he was in...say...Kathmandu.

189 Joigin Hong Kong

Why they lost: While Laos gave up goals, they did score a few. The same can't be said for Hong Kong who were blanked by a Saudi Arabian team that has been in the midst of a tumultuous year.

Who/What we'll miss: Hopefully nothing. We'll hope that this is Hong Kong's nadir, 25 years after almost qualifying for Mexico '86. Though they've made less progress in each subsequent Cup campaign, this should be the end of that unfortunate trend.

188 Jakshy Kalyngydzar Kyrgyzstan

Why they lost: I might place the explanation for this one on facing an up-and-coming opponent in an Uzbekistani side that made the out rounds at the Asian Cup, and seemed dangerous at the U-20 Tournament in Colombia. Facing that, it's gotta be tough for Kyrgyzstan to keep up. So their 7 goal wipe-out makes a little more sense.

Who/What we'll miss: Confusing attempts to settle on one nickname for a side that is occasionally called the "snow leopards", The Eagles, and the Blue Eagle (even though their kits are red).

187 Dhanee Maldives

Why they lost: Take your pick. No goals, giving up 5, having to make do with a team of locally based players while facing an Iranian side that's one of the most well-established in Asia, having a population approximately .5% of Iran's. Any one of those would probably explain the Red Snapper's failure to advance.

Who/What we'll miss: Ali Ashfaq, a man called "The Best Striker in South Asia" isn't well known outside his own country--but when you captain the national side and celebrate like this...you should be.

186 To Bozdid Tajikistan

Why they lost: Though a 2:1 loss in Syria was a tough beat, the series still could have gone the Tajiks way. But a stunning 4:0 loss at home knocked them out. If you can't defend your home pitch, you can't go far in qualifying.

Who/What we'll miss: Coach Pulod Kodirov, the winningest coach in history for "The Persian Lions" of the national team won't get any more matches to prove his bowing out after 3 years in charge of the team. (Of course, if you ask Tajik fans, that might be a good thing)

185 Paalam The Philippines

Why they lost: A 3-0 loss in Kuwait gave them a major task for the home-leg, and they simply couldn't make it up falling 2-1 at home to finish 4 goals out.

Who/What we'll miss: Hard to pick. There's Midfielder Simon Greatwitch who could help Hartwick college known for something more than...okay he could help Hartwick College be known. Then there's Neil Ethridge, Fulham's Reserve Goalkeeper and ex-Chealsea trainee. And of course...there's the fact that their nickname is "The Street Dogs" which is a kind of badass in an adorably scruffy way.

184 Thwa Dau Me Myanmar

Why they lost: You mean besides the fact that their military junta creates a national atmosphere of blind fear and anxiety which makes playing a children's game one of the few escapes...unless you play for the national team and must face the spectre of bringing shame on the nation and being sent for "re-education"? Well, their fans throwing garbage on the field at half-time during the home-leg probably didn't help matters--especially since refs cancelled the second half and Myanmar's last chance at a comeback.

Who/What we'll miss: The feeling that maybe, just maybe watching 22 men kick a ball for 90 minutes might distract the citizens of Myanmar from that aforementioned military junta.

183 Phir Milenge India

Why they lost: It's either because of FIFA's ancient curse against the country that declined to play in the 1950 World Cup (What do you mean we can't play barefoot?) or the fact that, as children, Sachin Tendulkar & MS Dhoni picked up cricket bats instead of cleats.

Who/What we'll miss: An inevitable Bollywood soccer movie with a star studded song and dance number...wait...there already are some like that...well, I know what's going into my Netflix queue.

182 Selamat Tinggal Malaysia

Why they lost: After a thrilling 5-3 loss in Singapore in the first leg, Malaysia had some work to do, but 3 away goals to help their cause. If they won by two they would be in pretty good position for advancement. While they led 1-0 after 60 minutes and were one goal (and solid defnese) away from moving on a Singapore equalizer in the 73rd minute knocked them out

Who/What we'll miss: The Malay Tigers might have my new favorite football kit. As if the black and yellow stripes weren't unusual enough--they also have an ad campaign that makes it painfully clear that you're either a Malaysian fan or you are unwilling to rip your own skin off.

181 Tam Biet Vietnam

Why they lost: Despite a thrilling 2-1 win at home in the second leg, Vietnam simply couldn't overcome a 3-0 loss in Qatar in the first leg. Meaning that, once again, the Qataris crush the dreams of other people (FIST SHAKE!)

Who/What we'll miss: A pretty solid underdog story is one thing. A pretty solid underdog story that could have knocked out the internationally mocked Qatari side...that's a great thing.

180 Bhalo Thakben Bangladesh

Why they lost: Like Vietnam, Bangladesh got a great win at home 2-0 over Lebanon. Like Vietnam, Bangladesh couldn't overcome a big loss (4-0) in the first leg.

Who/What we'll miss: The chance for a doggie fight between Bangladesh and the Phillipines (don't bet against the street dogs)

179 Ila Al-Liqa Yemen

Why they lost: Continuing the trend of the last two teams, Yemen played better in the second leg, with a goalless draw; but they lost 2-0 in Iraq and head home despite their fine performance.

Who/What we'll miss: Yemen has won fewer games by smaller margins in each consecutive World Cup qualifying campaign. So, hopefully we'll only miss them until they reorganize their team and reverse that trend.

178 Ila Al-Liqa Palestine

Why they lost: I know Grant Wahl meant well, but clearly this is another case of the Sports Illustrated Jinx. After a nailbiting 1-0 loss in Thailand, Palestine nearly pulled a stunner in the second-leg back home but had to settle for a 2-2 draw against a higher ranked team. That was great--but if SI hadn't been there?

Who/What we'll miss: A team full of college kids, biologists, and dreamers who play international football in their spare time after work? We'll be missing a stirring underdog movie just waiting to happen. (And this "Happy Trails" winner of coolest Federation logo)

177 Sag Bolun Turkmenistan

Why they lost: With everything to play for after a 1-1 draw at home, the Green Men Turkmen waited too long, ceding 4 goals to Singapore in the first 75 minutes. An own goal and two late, intentionally Turkmen, goals made it close, but not close enough.

Who/What we'll miss: The sophomoric humor potential of the most popular club sides in Turkmenistan FC/HTTU Asgabat...Heehee..Asgabat.

PHEW! That's a lot of teams to bid farewell. In our next posts will look ahead to the next rounds of competition in North America and Asia, the start of South American qualifying, some unlikely teams to root for and predictions from a host of Hooligans.

World Cup OVERLOAD

I stopped posting for a little while the last few weeks (in case there is a devout reader out there who was wondering). Between a spurt of job applications and a two-week honeymoon in Thailand, I thought that would be for the best. And while I was gone, quite a bit happened. The 2nd Round of Asian qualifying concluded. Teams were drawn into dozens of qualifying groups in Rio de Jinero. The US National Team hired Jürgen Klinsmann to coach the men's team (thereby giving me many more excuses to write with umlauts!). And hey! FIFA's still awash in scandalous bribery allegations which means there's still a shot (an extremely outside shot, but a shot) that the US could host the 2022 World Cup.

Since I'm now gainfully employed, I may not have much time to write. But I love the whole World Cup event so much that I honestly do want to write whenever I can. I may try to enlist some help from fellow Montanans/soccer fans/gene pool members but until then trust that posts are coming in the next few days that will cover farewells to the eliminated Asian nations, "Well I'll Be Damned" awards for minnows who have survived a shark attack (or perhaps just a "slightly bigger minnow" attack) and advanced to the later rounds of qualifying and maybe even previews of the various groups kicking off in the next few months and weeks.

To keep the space warm for me I'm including a link to Grant Wahl's great writing from Palestine in the second round of the AFC's Qualifying. I read the polished form of his article during my 12 hour flight from Seoul to Chicago (it helped make a long flight--made longer by a lack of sleep and broken video system--much more enjoyable). Since this is the kind of writing I would love to do on this blog but can't (both because I have no funds to finance it, and because I'm not nearly that good of a writer) so I'll let him do it for me.

Enjoy Wahl's writing (if you haven't already), I'll be back with snarky commentary aplenty in the very near future

Happy Trails #196-192 (CONCACAF Rd. 1 Update)

While the AFC's second round will kick off in a matter of hours we want to take a minute to bid adieu to the North American nations who played...and lost a home-and-away playoff series, thereby killing that faint glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, a tiny island nation might hoist the world cup in Brazil. (It might not be a hope as much as a dream I had after eating Bacon ice cream with a wasabi glaze)

196 "Farewell" Turks & Caicos Islands

Why they lost: Statistically speaking it's a good idea to limit the number of goals your opponent scores. Turks & Caicos did not do that, giving up 10 goals to the mighty Bahamas' Rake n' Scrape Boyz. It probably didn't help that they scored 0.

Who/What we'll miss: The chance to ask Midfielder Gavin Glinton (T&C's leading international goal scorer) how he ended up playing for Vietnam's Nam Dinh team. {I'm guessing drunken bet}

195 "Take Care" Anguilla

Why they lost: I cannot confirm this, but I imagine that Anguilla assumed they could handle the baseball mad Dominican Republic--you don't get bats in soccer...you would think they'd be okay...but sadly the Dominicans found a way to shut them down...probably by tricking would be shortstops into kicking bigger balls as a training exercise.

Who/What we'll miss: I really couldn't help but dream about a matchup between the Three Lions of England and The Three Dolphins of Anguilla.

194 "Ta-Ta" Montserrat

Why they lost: Because their first round opponent (Belize) narrowly dodged a FIFA suspension that would have killed their team. [EXPLANATION: Apparently Belize's government thought the police should not protect the Monserrat team during the second-leg qualifying match, FIFA thought that was government interference, nearly suspended the Belize team which would have given Monserrat (trailing 2-5 after one game) an unlikely 2nd round berth. BUT FIFA changed its mind just in time for Belize to win the second leg then put them back on suspension. Because that's how Sepp Blatter rolls.]

Who/What We'll Miss: It might be entertaining to play a world cup qualifier with the omnipresent threat of volcanic eruptions mere minutes away.

193 "Goodbye" British Virgin Islands

Why they lost: Clearly because the US Virgin Islands are the superior Virgin islands; just like the US is superior to Britain. Chant it with me! U-S-A (Virgin Islands) U-S-A (Virgin Islands)

Who/What We'll Miss: Awkward conversations with Chelsea manager Andre Villas-Boas; who got his start leading the British Virgin Islands national squad in 2000 and led them to their highest ever ranking (165th in the world)

192 "Tot Gauw" Aruba

Why they lost: St. Lucia's Jamil Joseph took matters into his own hands in the second-leg. With Aruba having won 4-2 at home, it took a tremendous effort for Aruba to make a game of it and Jamil Joseph's hat trick was critical--forcing penalty kicks. Jelano Cruden's miss during PKs was the only blemish on what might well have been THE match of the first rounds.

Who/What We'll Miss: David Abdul may well be the future of Aruban football. A 21 year old and the only Aruban playing in Europe (with Sparta Rotterdam in the Dutch First Division) capitalized on his first cap with a goal and may mature into a much needed team leader...or maybe he'll remember it's just a game and kick back and enjoy the beach.

Thoughts on the Women's World Cup

I was about to write all about the latest round of CONCACAF qualifying for the 2014 World Cup (which finished yesterday), but quite frankly the doings of Turks and Caicos or St. Lucia are a little less important than the final of the Women's World Cup.

First, my apologies for not covering the whole tournament in greater detail. I was busy getting married, my attention was focused elsewhere. So yesterday, after drawing the festivities to a conclusion with a final unwrapping/moving/unpacking of presents I was left to discover Japan's victory over the US a little later than most.

Let's agree on this for starters, clearly futbol is wildly popular, if you're reading this obscure nook of the blogopshere you know this. But like most fans in America I have to hear a great deal from local "sports fans" and "experts" that the game is not really big in America and never will be. Yet, in a game for the sports second highest international honor, ratings were broken and social media sites were jammed by all the Americans who live in a "ambivalent" futbol nation.

If you want any more proof, look no further than that news story that takes what might otherwise be an incredible, moving, underdog story and frequently alludes to the fact that: "It's great Japan won...but how did we lose?!?" The Onion posted a very snarky story last week announcing that the Women's team "better not lose" but I've honestly heard people tossing around the words "choked" and "failed". Proving that there's some serious fandom and major expectations around the women's game.

That's not to take anything away from the gritty, persevering performance by the Japanese team (or the Wild Pink), or sully what was by all accounts a wild and joyous celebration in Japan. (It's a national holiday today, probably in part because so many fans were in bars at 4 AM local time.) For a nation reeling from disasters and dire circumstances this year, it's a joyous occasion and all the more remarkable given that they lost two games to the US just two months ago.

But perhaps my favorite part of Japan's win was reading comments from old students of mine, including these ones from one female student who had played on rocky, uneven surfaces in the Himalayan foothills for the Woodstock Tigers. "We might have finished tied, but we ain't gonna lose!!!" (Have to like it anytime someone turns into a grammatically incorrect fanatic.) And then after it had ended saying "My mom is crying next to me." (Even more adorable and touching).

That's really the best part of futbol, how it brings people together with every goal, save and whistle, and when it comes to international games, it's truly inspiring to see the surge of pride and feel the excitement around the country. Over the last few weeks in Germany we've seen that enthusiasm surge through the US and Japan as well as Germany, Sweden, Brazil and around the world as mothers and daughters and sports nuts of every size and shape cheered through the tournament.

Congratulations Japan, you certainly deserve it.

A New Award

Rather than simply saying farewell to teams that have lost we here at the Montanan Hooligans World Cup Center would also like to tip our caps to the best stories and unlikeliest squads to survive a round of qualifying competition. Since the AFC has finished their first round of qualifying it's time to debut this feature with an acknowledgement of the plucky little guppy that could and did win our inaugural "Well, I'll Be Damned" Award": Laos aka Thim Xad (The National Team)

That Laos has made it in to the Second round of Asian Qualifying is remarkable in and of itself. It ranks 174th in the World (lowest of any team advancing from the AFC first round and one spot lower than Vanuatu). It has never ranked higher than 134th (back in 1998). The nation very best players might slip onto a Thai club side, but that's as far as the dream extends for now.

Playing Cambodia took something extra, the two are ranked dead even by Fifa and played that way, with each team winning at home. The first match showed what the Lao Press identified as the team's biggest weakness: Defense. The never seemed to create offensively leaving it to 18 year old midfielder Manolam Phomsouvanh to deliver to cracking goals from set pieces. The rest of the time Cambodia seemed to run all over the Thim Xad defense, despite the fact that they were kept scoreless in the first half.

The second leg showed greater poise for Laos playing in front of their home fans. Team star Lamnao Singto scored twice en route to a 4-2 victory. Singto appears to be the biggest thing in Laotian football (and at 23 one of it's biggest veterans), moving at his will between the Thai Premier League and the local Laotian league, landing an endorsement contract, heck, he even gets the principles of swagger and braggadocio (if this shushing goal celebration is any indication).

But when it came to the end of the match and the referees required 30 minutes of extra time to break the final two goals that sent Laos on came from Visay Phaphovanin and Sysomvang Kanlaya (again from a set piece). Now Thim Xad prepares for Asia's 5th highest ranked team in China, and while the odds are long (and in many cases the names are longer), we here at The Montanan Hooligans World Cup Center will be rooting for Laos, if only so we can say "Well, I'll be Damned" again.

Congrats Laos you won our first WIBD; now try and win another!

Happy Trails #207-197

There are 207 Fifa Member Nations. The World Cup format invites 32. That means that 175 countries will have to bite the dust long before a ball bounces around Brazil. So, from time to time we'll post blogs like this, keeping you up to date on the teams that have just been eliminated, thereby quashing the fevered dreams of young boys and old men who really really thought that this could be Macau, or Vanuatu, or Canada's year.

There are a few countries that decided not to compete this time around, so rather than bid them adieu we'll do the proper Montanan thing and simply nod silently in stoic acknowledgement of their presence (or lack thereof). So here's a quiet, two fingers up on the steering wheel salute to you Guam (207), Brunei Darussalam (206), and Bhutan (205).

Now let's say goodbye to the teams who tried, and failed, to advance and acknowledge just what we fans will miss without them.

204 "Jongin" Macau

Why they lost: Macau got--there's really no polite way to say this--decimated by Vietnam. 6-0 and 7-1, leaving Macau with a -13 goal difference in two matches. I'm not an expert or anything, but losing by 13 goals in the first round makes it hard to win the World Cup.

Who/What we'll miss: Besides the loosest slots in all Asia? Probably Chan Kin Seng Macau's leading goal scorer despite the fact that he's only played 21 matches for the local side.

203 "Hau ba lai" Timor Leste

Why they lost: It's not easy to win a home and away series when both of the matches are played in your opponents capital. Hence, though the "Rising Sun" made a strong showing in the first match (2-1), the second one (5-0) was just too much and the team has still never won an official match against another national side.

Who/What we'll miss: The Portuguese heritage means that Timor Leste has a deep connection to two futbol mad nations (Portugal & Brazil). The most promising young player is probably defender Chris Nunez who plays for a club in Australia and has scored a goal for the national team

202 "Poittu Varen" Sri Lanka

Why they lost: Despite a solid 1-1 draw in Columbo; Sri Lanka could not muster another result in Manila and fell to the Philippines 5-1 on aggregate.

Who/What we'll miss: Sri Lanka may not have any famous players, but they do have one of the coolest flags in the world. Seriously, it's a lion holding a sword! Lions themselves are intimidating, but lions armed with weaponry? Jeepers

201 "Khuda Hafiz" Pakistan

Why they lost: A hard fought 0-0 draw against Bangladesh (aka East Pakistan) wasn't bad, but it could not make up for a 3-0 loss in Dhaka in the first leg.

Who/What we'll miss: There are a few Pakistani players starting to make inroads in to the lower levels of British football, but the biggest loss has to be Pakistan's Federation Emblem. Yes the Green shirts might have my favorite logo of all the flaming footballs of DOOM!!!

200 "Khuda Hafez" Afghanistan

Why they lost: Leaving aside the larger geopolitical issue of trying to field a futbol team while simultaneously fighting insurgent terrorist groups for control of a nation; Afghanistan was already in a hole after losing 2-0 to Palestine in Tajikstan (not exactly home either). A solid 1-1 draw in Palestine was some solace, but not enough to win the day.

Who/What we'll miss: With some national team players as young as 19, our biggest loss is the story of young boys who came of age in a very different nation, survived an incredibly dangerous period and now are thriving young athletes. Maybe, 2018 will give them that shot.

199 "Lia Suhn Hao-y" Cambodia

Why they lost: The Angkor Warriors may be the biggest surprise loser in the first round of AFC qualifying. After a 4-2 win over Laos in Pehnom Penh, they seemed to have a great shot of moving on to face China. But in Laos they not only lost the match 6-2, but the series on an 8-6 aggregate score.

Who/What we'll miss: There's not much notable about Cambodia's squad, but they do have a record of firing coaches. They've gone through 5 in the last 3 years...including 2 who never seem to have coached an official match....crazy coaching carousels, always enjoyable.

198 "Bayarti" Mongolia

Why they lost: The blue wolves won 1-0 at home...but that margin never feels exactly safe and sure enough, after Myanmar won 2-0 in Myanmar (stupid Junta!), Mongolia was headed home empty handed.

Who/What we'll miss: No Mongolian player plies their trade with a foreign club, and no without them sticking around for more matches this will be our last chance to say some absolutely exquisite names, such as: "Bayasgalangiin Garidmagnai" and "Donorovyn Lkhumbengarav"...however you pronounce them, that's a lot of fun.

197 Chinese Taipei

Why they lost: Taipei, Taiwan, whatever you want to call it, they were close...SO CLOSE to sneaking into the next round. A 2-1 lost in Malaysia wasn't great, but a stirring comeback on home soil gave them a great win 3-2 to end the series. The down side? Because Malyasia scored 2 in Taiwan, Malaysia went on and Taiwan stayed home.

Who/What we'll miss: No Chinese Taipei, no chance to show up China...sad days, sad days...

So there went the first 11, before the month is out we're going to lose 15 more Asian teams and 5 Caribbean islands; we'll bid them farewell soon enough, but for now goodnight Asian nations, and goodluck.

2014 World Cup Qualifying Begins

We're still six weeks away from the first draw to organize qualifying for the 2014 World Cup, but there are a few preliminary matters to deal with first.

Those preliminary matters include getting rid of most miniscule minnows in all of FIFA...you know...the ones who have more sway in the organization's boardrooms and backrooms than on the pitch. Their votes count in presidential elections...their athletes...eh, not so much.

Last night we got started with Belize topping Montserrat 5-2. I know what you're thinking: How could Montserrat lose? Well, let me ask you, if you lived in the place pictured at right...would your first concern be playing futbol...or avoiding volcanic ash and enjoying the sunshine?

At any rate. Belize V. Montserrat is only one of the preliminary games before the draw, the bigger issues are afoot in Asia where the 38 lowest rated teams play home-and-home playoffs to determine the lucky few who will get whomped by medium-sized talents in Bahrain and China...or if you're really lucky...Australia! (eep!) some of these will be all over by July 3rd, others won't even have the first leg start until July 23rd, wrapping up matches two days before the initial draw in Rio.

Whenever I watch or think about these games, I think of the Royal Rumbles I used to watch when I was a kid. If you watch pro wrestling you know what happens, put a bunch of guys in a small space and watch as one by one they throw each other over the side. No one wins anything...just a shot at the title. Only in this case, instead of sweaty men pretending that people believe they really are diabolical morticians or hip-hop heavyweights, there's a bunch of sweaty men pretending that they actually have a shot at the world title (it's adorable!).

The biggest matches kick-off around July 23rd with former World Cup contestants Iran, Saudi Arabia rising threat Uzbekistan and ex-Asian Champ Iraq in action. It's unlikely that they lose to their opponents (the Maldives, Hong Kong, Kyrgystan and Yemen respectively)...but like the Royal Rumble you never really know until it's underway. (Sure Iran's the Randy Macho Man Savage of Asian futbol...but Macho Man is gone...maybe Iran's doomed for the same fate?)

Through all the action we'll try to give a quick update, including quick adieus to each team as they bow out (it may only be a paragraph but it's the least we can do to honor the players, fans and delusional gamblers who thought they might have a shot).

Check back for more news later, after all, you never know when I'm going to randomly connect Randy Savage and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

African Nations Championship--While we were sleeping

So I had a dream last night about using a flashlight to see inside eggs, and spilled soup and my father yelling at me to come watch Wayne Rooney.

I woke up confused, and while piecing things together remembered: "Isn't there a Football Tournament on now?" Answer: Yes...yes there is...not that anyone would notice.

The ANC or African Nations Championship should not to be confused with the ACN or African Cup of Nations nor the other ANC (Nelson Mandela's African National Congress political Party) nor of course CAN (which is an emphatic way of spelling a small storage cylinder, usually made out of tin and valuable for those who like soup).

No, the African Nations Championship is a special tournament designed to highlight the best of African football, by focusing on those players who play in their local African leagues. So there's no Didier Drogba, no Samuel Eto'o and no Michael "The Bison" Essien (our honorary Ghanaian/Montanan). There are however 16 teams vying for the trophy...only...not any more.

It seems that while I was working on my thesis and having dreams about eggs, soup and Wayne Rooney, the tournament has already reached the knock-out stages (sidebar: I'm not a great news man am I?) But! World Football is always intriguing and the fact that this tournament comes fast on the heels of the Asian Cup and massive unrest in North Africa and is being held in Sudan means that things could be interesting both in terms of football and politically.

Let's take a look at the final 8. (The Quarter Finals kick off tomorrow!) The first matches will see South Africa against Algeria in a battle of two sides with some World Cup experience. Of course, Algeria has a number of players overseas while BafanaBafana is home to what many consider the best African league. Their group results bear that out with BafanaBafana easily topping a group that included a (weakened) Ghana (*tear*) while Algeria barely snuck in after managing draws against Gabon and Sudan. Speaking of the Nile Crocodiles, Sudan will be pitted against Niger [pronounced Nee-jhair for those of you worried about sounding like racists]. The hosts are in for a battle, as Niger boasts a solid midfield of local players, and cruised to second winning two and losing only to South Africa. Meanwhile, I have to base my entire analyses of Sudanese football off of one recent BBC (even Wikipedia is lacking!), but complaints of favoritism to Northern players (as well as the fact that not a single game has been played in the soon-to-be-free Southern sector) mean that uniting the country is probably not gonna happen. (And c'mon, Darfur can't be solved with a single great goal.)

On Saturday, Tunisia tussles The Democratic Republic of the Congo. Fresh off their revolution the Eagles of Carthage boast a wealth of homegrown talent (especially in a cohesive midfield) and topped their group with relative ease, while the defending champions from the most ironically named country in the world got in thanks to a 2-1 win over Cote D'Ivoire (just nudging them ahead of the Elephants). The last match sees Cameroon against Angola. On paper Angola's Black Antelopes should have the more well trained, unified side (rebuilding nicely after their first golden generation led them to the 2006 World Cup)--but they needed two goals to comeback against Rwanda and slip in to the out rounds. Meanwhile the Indomitable Lions (great nickname, ps) should have been easy pickings. None of the national first team plays in Cameroon, that national first team was absolutely shellacked in the World Cup (even with African footballer of the year Samuel Eto'o). Yet they cruised through their group winning each match and allowing nothing.

Based on first round performances it would be hard to bet against Cameroon and South Africa in the final...but if ever there was a team of destiny label to win, it would belong to Tunisia as the right team at the right moment in history. I'll keep trying to find video of this whole shindig, and share it with you if I ever can.

January 2011: 3 On/3 Off

We'll try and set this up so that each month we review the most important information about world football gleaned from matches, competitions and news. (Hopefully there's always something to talk about.) And to do that, we'll think about three heroes subbed onto the pitch, and three out of form slugs heading for the bench with their heads hanging low.

3 Coming On:

Japan in General and Kaisuke Honda in particular:

Winning the Asian Cup is a little like being the greatest best baseball team in triple A. You've got a trophy and god knows you deserve it...but everyone knows in their heart of hearts that it might not be that way if you had to play a big-time, high-profile squad of superstars in the making.

Still, the blue samurai deserve to be congratulated. And unlike the Albuquerque Isotopes, they will get to play some high-profile superstars this summer when they head down to the Copa America to try their luck against Brazil and Argentina. Win that and I'll genuflect and beg forgiveness...until then, I'll just keep clapping politely

Except for Kaisuke Honda. After a sterling World Cup he won man of the tournament honors in Qatar and set the stage for his continued rise to the title of Asia's top footballer. Sniggering over his relationship to the car factory needs to stop...he looks like he's for real.

Feeling Good in Qatar

The Asian Cup was chock full of good stories. The hosts overcame their minnow-ish ranking and made a strong showing against eventual champions Japan. The Uzbeks were a surprise entry into the semi-finals (except not to me...because I predicted it...because I'm AWESOME!). And for a brief period of time the Australians were able to distract their countrymen from surging flood waters with some stellar football and a near miss in the final match. Kudos Asia, Kudos!

Spain...the system everyone wants a part of

Just in case the fawning adoration of the World Cup winners wasn't enough, FIFA pointed out the supremacy of Spanish Football at their annual awards ceremonies in Zurich. And while the Spaniards didn't walk away with any major individual hardware...their system and league gave a full throated power yell of domination to anyone who still thought Spain's best contribution to recent world history was tapas.

Lionel Messi (Barcelona's wunderkind) won the Ballon d'Or. Jose Mourinho (Mr. Jump on the Bandwagon/Real Madrid) won the coach of the year. And the Fifa Pro World XI features 8 La Liga representatives and 6 Spanish Nationals. Investing in all that talented football may have diverted funds from other areas like...say...the crippling Iberian debt crisis...but hey! SHINY TROPHIES!! (Suck on that England)

3 Heading off

Saudi Arabia: The Riyadh Zoo

Here in America we have a long and storied history of teams that are quite simply CRAZY. The Bronx Zoo of the New York Yankees in the 1970s, The Portland Jail Blazers from the turn of the millenia, The Cincinatti Bengals of...well...pretty much forever. But no matter what your preferred local sport, few crazy ass teams can compete with the insanity of Saudi Arabia at the Asian Cup.

Lose your first game (2:1 to Syria), that's bad...but maybe not: fire the coach this second bad. Still, the Saudi's made their choice and went in confident against Jordan...where they lost again (1:0). It's hard to fire a coach after one match, so instead King Abdullah fired federation president (Prince Sultan Bin Fahd) and replaced him with Prince Nawaf Bin Faisal. Surely, after cleaning house of these losers, a meaningless game against a half-strength already progressed Japan would give them the chance to lick their wounds, learn their lessons. Or...lose 5:0 and lead to the sacking of their second coach in three matches. (Cue the slow sarcastic clap)

A Break-away Confederation?

I listen regularly to the BBC's World Football podcast (and if you're reading this website hoping for news I suggest you look there instead). Last week the Beeb broke the story of scuttlebutt surrounding a new Confederation that could be created by merging Oceania with East Asia. The move makes sense for a few people. First, Australia could stop pretending to be Asian. Second, Japan and South Korea could have lovely holidays in New Caldonia. Finally, China could bid for the World Cup in 2026 and really stick it to the Qatari federation and AFC president Mohammed Bin Hammam.

But once you dig a little deeper this is a terrible plan. Oceania gets nothing but a pack of guaranteed ass-kickings in Tokyo, Seoul and Sydney. The whole scheme completely undermines FIFA authority and sets up more snide bickering between bureaucrats (leading to more back stage wheeling and dealing rather than less). North America would likely get bumped to one-side AGAIN in the continental rotation order (and with Europe likely to throw a tantrum for 2030, our next shot would be 2034...22 years after the Mayan apocolypse!). Nice try East Asia (and Australia)...but no...just no.

Qatar's Crickets

One little bone to pick with Qatar after the AFC Cup...seriously? you broke the bank to win the World Cup and you the only two full houses you can draw are for the home team versus Japan...and the final? I've seen bigger houses for operas in Butte! I've met more dedicated footie fans in remote hillside villages of India! Come on guys...show us why you won it. (Unless it's through corruption in which case please give no sign).

AFC Cup Outrounds!

It's crunch time in Qatar and no...I'm not referring to the home stretch of a camel race. Today begins the out rounds of the AFC cup, and shockingly, for someone with absolutely no experience, I did pretty well on my predictions of the quarter finalists.

Japan, Uzbekistan, Australia, South Korea, Iran and Iraq all came through for me, with only China and Saudi Arabia (who fired two coaches in three matches) falling short. So the new darlings are Jordan and...yup...Qatar. I'm wondering if they're winning through illegality or through sheer antagonism towards the rest of the world.

If you've watched any of the highlights (Click here if you're interested) you may well have noticed the somewhat...generally...shall we say..."sparse" crowds at the matches. That's too kind: there are literally HUGE SWATHS of seats available at these games. Seriously, I've seen larger crowds at Craig Kilborn Fan Fests. My brother's high-school games were more attended than these matches...and they played in Bozeman...in November...after shoveling snow off the field.

So, hey, if you want to go on vacation and see some international soccer in the lap of luxury: Qatar's the way to go. (It'll be easier now than in 11 years anyway).

We'll be back in a few days to check on the semi's which will have at least one starry-eyed dreamer playing with the World Cup perennials. (Good luck surviving that one Uzbekistan/Jordan)

AFC Cup 2011: A half-hearted/belated preview

Since the Asian Cup kicked off two days ago, I suppose I ought to point out precisely who is likely to win this and head on to the Confederations Cup in 2013.

Why? Because it's early January and there's NOTHING ELSE TO DO!

Let's lose Qatar (the deal with the Devil only won the them the world cup hosting, not actual talent), Syria (with only two stars left on their flag they only have so much collateral to trade with), North Korea (a change in management's always tough--for all his problems Kim Jong Il always got the red robot motivated) and much as it pains me to admit it: India. (Where the fans will be cheering right up until the cricket comes back on.

Just missing out on the out rounds we have Jordan (any non Michael form of "Jordan" can't win a title for fear of copyright infringement), Bahrain and the UAE (losing out of sympathy for their fellow obscenely wealthy Arab state: Qatar) and Kuwait...because I flipped a coin and they lost.

Ooops, Uzbekistan stayed alive until the knock out stage, but Japan will take care of that, while China crushes Saudi Arabia and moves wins the title of country that most frustrates Bill O'Rielly. On the other side of the draw, Australia and South Korea will run roughshod over Iraq and Iran because they'll be busy moping over their demotion on O'Rielly's list.

In the semifinals Australia will take China out for "a quick snort" the night before. Several hours and 22 lost pairs of pants later, a bedraggled/hungover China will be dumped from the tournament by a barely winded set of Socceroos. Meanwhile the Japanese and Koreans will do what they do best: hate eachother through a tense draw that ultimately results in a Korean victory.

The final on the 29th we'll have a rematch of a previous game between two group C rivals (as seen on January 14th). And under the blazing Qatari sun, a clear victor will emerge: and that victory will be....AUSTRALIA! (Because the crafty Aussies will spike their opponents Kim Chee...diabolic villainy...that's the Aussie way!)

The Full 90: 2010/2011

Since we missed a chance to do a year in review, or a year in preview...how about we do both? With two halves covering 45 people, teams, places and moments that turned our heads in 2010, and 45 things to keep an eye on in 2011.

1st Half--2010

At the start of the year Egypt (1) showed us what we would all be missing in June by winning the African Cup of Nations (2). And while the Pharaohs would indeed be missed, you'd be hard pressed to say that The World Cup (3) was a failure without them. To be sure we might have been better served with them than with the whipping boys from Honduras (4) or North Korea (5). Speaking of the Red Robot (The coolest national team nickname of the year) (6) bad news for Kim Jong Il (7) and all fans of a free and independent press; the first live television event in decades, or maybe ever (8) ended with a 7-0 loss to Portugal (9) and professional tabloid headline/underwear model Cristiano Ronaldo (10).

Despite the triumph over the forces of evil on the pitch, Ronaldo lost a much bigger trophy--that of biggest goober in professional football to Wayne Rooney (11). You might recognize Rooney from his starring role in the Very cool Nike World Cup commercials (12) or, possibly, the bizarre Tiwanese computer animated recreations of his sexual exploits (13). Despite the monastic diligence demands of coach Fabio Capello (14) the Three Lions of England (15) were so distracted by injuries, Rooney and fellow horn dog John Terry (16) managed to barely scrape into the second round before getting positively throttled by Germany (16).

But protestations of English incompetence have nothing on France (17) and Italy (18). Les Blus quit on coach Raymond Domenench (19) not only mentally, but LITERALLY quitting and refusing to practice before playing South Africa (20) in their final (pointless) group match, the only Bafana Bafana win of the cup. Meanwhile, the Azzuri sleepwalked their way through two draws against Paraguay (21) and New Zealand (22) before losing to titans Slovakia (23). Point and laugh everyone point and laugh.

Okay, lets cease our focus on the idiots who lost, instead, lets remember those brave fools who managed to win in spite of everything else. Starting with Landon Donavan (24) whose last minute goal over Algeria (25) gave the USA (26) an epic win and begat the reactions that begat the Youtube clip that shut up the nation's soccer haters. Of course one could argue that Ghana's (27) win over us in the next round shut down the love affair, but I think it's probably still got some life left. Besides, as someone who was in Ghana at the time, I know it meant a lot to them (and this might just be my personal fandom highlight of the year (28) ):

While I learned to love Kevin Prince Boateng (29) and Andre "Dede" Ayew (30) I've got to feel for the truly impassioned (though slightly stubborn) Asamoah Gyan (31) who had the semi-finals in his fingers only to see them slip away. Of course, my personal tournament villain, Luis Suarez (32) helped with that. But no matter how much we may want to curse Uruguay (33) you've got to love Diego Forlan's (34) hair. Forlan led the way for exciting players captivating a world wide audience, and the raft of others including Mesut Oezil (35), Bastian Schwienstager (36), Wesley Snejieder (37), Keisuke Honda (38), Robert Koren (39) and David Villa (40).

Of course it was Villa who won in the end as the boys of La Furia Roja in Spain (41) finally lifted the World Cup over the perennial bridesmaids from The Netherlands (42). And while their party has lasted well into the new year, and the specter of insulting insinuations of corruption have faded in South Africa, Sepp Blatter (43) has gotten to appreciate scandal and innuendo anew with the awarding of the 2018 World Cup to Russia (44) and the 2022 event to Qatar (45).

2nd Half--2011

The awarding of more cups to future hosts gives us the opportunity to start looking forward into the year 2011 and the tonnage of events that will effect future world cup activities.

Start with the inauguration of Dilma Rousseff (46) the new president of Brazil (47). As the successor to the politician who brought back facial hair: Luiz Inacio "Lula" DeSilva (48). The good news for futbol fans is that Rousseff will likely continue most of DeSilva's policies. The bad news is that she's not quite as popular as DeSilva and might struggle to keep the construction/renovation of the 12 stadiums on track. Hey, why does that sound familiar?

But to start things off nice and easy we've got the Ballon D'Or Awards Spectacle on January 10th (49). Inside the labyrinthine secret lair of FIFA in Switzerland (50) the votes have been tabulated and soon we'll know who has pulled down the big fat trophies. The big prize is down to a race between Andres Iniesta (51), Xavi (52) and Lionel Messi (53). If you're noticing a certain Spanish flavor to that you're not alone. The world game is distinctly connected to the joys of paella and if you aren't part of La Liga (54) you're really just an after thought now (as evidenced by the fact that the three coaches nominated for Coach of the Year (55) all work in Spain). The equally enticing World XI (55) will be announced the same day: but only 3 players on the 55 name shortlist hail from somewhere other than Europe or South America. (Those 3 would be Didier Drogba (56), Samuel Eto'o (57) and, my favorite,

Michael "The Bison" Essien (58).) C'mon FIFA, no token rep for North America? or Asia? Sigh...

Well, Asia will just have to try and find a stand out starting with the Asian Cup (59). Kicking off in just 5 days on January 7th in the arab nation of Qatar (remember them? They're gonna host the World Cup in 12 years?). The 16 teams gearing up include relative minnows Syria (60), Jordan (61) and (even though I love them) India (61). But as the tournament unfolds keep an eye on the dogfight in Group C between South Korea (62) and Australia (63) (two World Cup teams will keep it interesting) and rising power Uzbekistan (64) (drawn into a weak Group A).

That final will kick off a year worth of confederation competitions building to the 2013 Confederations Cup (65). First Panama (66) hosts the Central American Cup (67) to pick up 5 teams to fill out the big dance: the CONCACAF Gold Cup (68) in June, where Mexico (69) will try to re-establish its dominance of the confederation. El Tricolor will follow that up with a trip down to Argentina (70) for the Copa America (71). Oddly, they'll also be with Japan (72)...why precisely Japan is competing for the title of best team in South America...well...uhh...I've got no clue. Just trust that one of the big powers will knock them out, with Chile (73) looking to be the feel good story of the year.

Throughout the summer there will be qualifiers aplenty for the 2012 African Cup of Nations (74) (to be held in Equatorial Guinea (75) and Gabon (76)) and the 2012 Euro Tournament (77) (in Poland (78) and the Ukraine (79)). But just in case you aren't in the mood for Mozambique V. Comoros on October 7th (80) or Luxembourg V. Albania on September 6th (81) don't worry there's plenty of other action to enjoy. Including the Women's World Cup in Germany (82), the U-17 World Cup in Mexico (83) and the U-20 World Cup in Columbia (84). Whether you want to try and spot up-and-coming talents (Alex Nimley (85) anyone?)or a host of women with enough talent and toughness to crush you between their little fingers (I'm looking at you Abby Wambach (86))

there's plenty of futbol to be enjoyed.

Kick back and enjoy the matches wherever you are in the world. Appreciate the patience and consistency of Ji-Su Park (87), the fine touch and goal scoring acumen of Zlatan Ibrahimovic (88) and the eternally entertaining Diego Maradona (89). Best of all...there's the Qualification Draw for the 2014 World Cup, on July 30th in Brazil (90)

Extra Time Predictions:

1: Argentina wins the Copa America at home...Diego Maradona pouts, Brazil goes crazy with the fear that they're in dire straits for futbol matches 3 years away.

2: The qualifying draw for the 2014 World Cup creates one very difficult qualifying group including both New Zealand and New Caldonia...the world press corps does not notice.

3: I won't write another post like this for at least a year.

World Cup 2018/2022 The Winners Revealed: A Live Blog!

11:30 ET--And with that our conversations have devolved into MacKenzie family hijinx. Including the invention of a new wrestler (Swift Justice, dressed up like a judge with the finishing move: "The Gavel") and continued berating of Alexi Lalas ("Why did ridiculing Fifa officials during the hour leading up to the announcement seem like a good idea?"). There's a lot to like about these decisions: it spreads the game to new parts of the world, it lets us all share in the fun, it may lead to great innovations in solar technologies for the Qatari world cup which benefit the world, and it stops Vladmir Putin from going on an assassination spree throughout Europe, which is also appreciated. There's a lot to fix too (Russia's venues being spread out throughout that massive continent, the fact that Qatar is...you know...Qatar) but throughout that time, we'll be here to analyze the World cup and all its ancillary silliness straight through to the end. From three Montanans lost in the lonely East, I'm Ben MacKenzie. Good night.

11:22 ET--Quoth Simon, who has just woken up and gotten the news: "Money always wins, and Alexi Lalas shoudl shut his damn mouth for jinxing us!"

11:20 ET--Meanwhile Qatar is going to have a 30 mile ring containing the best soccer players in the world (except the poor blokes from Wales), playing at Stadiums that they have to find a way to cool, and ensuring security at a level high enough to convince fans/corporate partners to buy in, while offsetting the lost alchohol revenue that's hampered by Sharia law...and then they will tear it all down and send it to Malawi

11:11 ET--Matt and I have been jibber-jabbering about the other issues related to this outcome, and we still think that England's been a little too smug in their bids. But all that can be fixed if Dame Helen Mirren sends out a come hither look. (Keep your Hiedi Klums, Charlize Therons and Nicole Kidmen...just give us the DAME!)

10:53 ET--All Xenophobia in this post was brought to you by George W. Bush's new memoir: Deciding Things, exclusively at Borders

10:51 ET--The award for first vaguely racist comment from Nick on ESPN's live chat: "Security nightmare 2022" Matt's rebuttal: "I would think that would be the one time it doesn't happen. 'Yo, let's go blow up a place!' 'Nah, dude...game's on!' "

10:50 ET--Before 2022, says Matt, "needs to improve its defense but it has tremendous upside potential and length"

10:47 ET--We should note that Matt's super-hot Scorching-burn on England was brought to you by TGIFs brand Jalapeno Poppers, available in your grocer's freezer section

10:44 ET--Matt says it best: "WOWZA!"

10:43 ET--Here again is Sepp doing his old man bit fumbling for the envelope and the winner is........................................Qatar

10:42 ET--Matt's gut is 1 for 1...he claims it never lies. (He also notices that England has a great deal of other things going for it...but it really ought to progress past the Quarter Finals in a cup held outside of England before we're impressed)

10:41 ET--Slightly awkward moment, Blatter thanks the losers...but I didn't hear him mention England...that'll teach you to criticise FIFA England

10:40 ET--Attention shifts to 2022, and the question is Qatar, Australia or the USA...but a little more blather before we get there

10:39 ET--England comes up short again...good thing Prince William got the proposal in before coming up empty here.

10:37 ET--2018 goes to.......RUSSIA!

10:36 ET--Blatter keeps picking up the envelope and putting it down, "and now, and now"...get it done SEPP!

10:35 ET--High drama has occured as I had to run quickly and do my actual job, but fortunately Sepp Blatter has been blathering. So nothing has been missed

10:30 ET--"Lazy Setup, brought to you by sonic Drive in. Sonic, we give you Dialisis" (Matt)

10:29 ET--Here comes Jerome Valke...the Jimmy Fallon of Fifa

10:28 ET--Here we go!

10:25 ET--Same logic holds for Russia, FIFA's attempt to deliver the deathblow to Hockey... Matt: "Soccer V.s. Hockey Deathmatch? I'd go with the Hockey Players."

10:22 ET--Quick debate, Matt: Does the world's most popular sport need growth?, Ben: Not really, but they'd love to have more countries like America who take a hosting turn and then become bigger consumers of the game over the next 20 years Matt: "So the Aussies are a more desirable target because Soccer isn't the No. 1 Sport behind swimming, Aussie Rules and what...Alpine Skiing? Quidditch? Mad Max Recreation Derbies?" Ben: "I think it's keg standing actually"

10:16 ET--Our colleagues at CNN (Aka Uncle Ted's Big Ol' House O' News) says that the announcement will be made at 9:30... Matt: "Way to build the suspense Blatter!"

10:13 ET--Our penatrating analysis (Matt: The Cup in the desert in the middle of the summer is a bad idea/Ben: And the idea of 9 stadiums with super huge air conditioning systems seems like a lot of electricity to use up for a supposedly "green World Cup")

10:11 ET--Our Mideast expert, Matt MacKenzie says: "just an oil deal, they happen at every meal"

10:10 ET--ESPN (the evil empire to our plucky rebel batallion) is reporting that there's a short delay, but Qatari bid reps are shaking hands happily....

10:08 ET--Wondering why things are still not announced, Matt's theory: Russian mafia pulling some last second strings, or Putin with a sniper rifle on a nearby rooftop, (Bourne Supremecy style)

10:06 ET--Matt and I once tried to launch our own cable news channel "MacKenzie Low Budget Sports"--stupid ESPN...their monopoly avoids soccer coverage

10:03 ET--And in 1 minute Matt has come to the same conclusion I arrived at over a month of research

10:02 ET--And Matt makes his predictions: "Here's my complete and total gut reaction prediction, which is based on nothing other than guts, know how and stomach-ness, Ready? 2018 Russia, 2022 Aussies

10:01 ET--And...they're late getting started...stupid Swiss...BUY A WATCH ALREADY!!

9:56 ET--Matt MacKenzie is in the house! This is his first live blog...mine too come to think of it

9:54 ET--And meanwhile in the 2018 race:

England (Our Bid Analyses) (My vote #1/FIFA #2)

Netherlands/Belgium (Our Bid Analyses) (My vote # 3/FIFA #4)

Spain/Portugal (Our Bid Analyses) (My vote #4/FIFA #3)

Russia (Our Bid Analyses) (My vote #2/FIFA #1)

9:51 ET-- Just to play an amusing game to pass the time, Here are the bids again as well as who I would vote for/who I think FIFA will vote for)

2022: Australia

(Our Bid Analyses) (My vote: #2/FIFA #1)

Japan (Our Bid Analyses) (My vote #5/FIFA #5)

Qatar (Our Bid Analyses) (My vote #4/FIFA #3)

South Korea (Our Bid Analyses) (My vote #3/FIFA #4)

USA (Our Bid Analyses) (My vote #1/FIFA #2)

9:46 ET-- In 15 minutes or so the world's soccer nerds will turn their attentions to Zurich in order to hear which countries have been selected for the billion dollar boondoggle known as the FIFA World Cup. 9 bid teams are dreaming and hoping of the day when the world will come to play on their shores (bringing lots of money with them).

Here at the Montana Hooligans' World Cup Center, we've (okay, I've) been analyzing the bids and have come up with my own opinions and biases...but the odds that my opinions and biases are the same as a bunch of sextagenarians in Zurich are relatively scant, so...take all of this with a grain of salt.

I'll try to blog as I see things, so keep hitting refresh, and hopefully witticism will come with it.

--Scruffy Rube