Meet the Teams: Uruguay

This is my first team profile. Here's what to expect:

-Pre-emptory Tomfoolery

-Political History

-Culinary Assets

-Sporting Preview

-Recent Cultural Contribution

Any on-field analysis will be kept to a bare minimum.

First up, from Group A: Uruguay

Pre-Emptory Tomfoolery

Uruguay will likely be the favorite in Group A for two sub-sets of the world's population: (1) Uruguayans; (2) American males age 13-29 accidentally tuning in to Uruguay's matches expecting to see "World's Strongest Man":

"Oh brah, I'm so gonna crush my deadlifts after we watch this."

"You won't crush shit, you homo. You R drinkin' Heinekien! Hey, what's this gay shit?"

"I dunno brah, looks like soccer."

"Who's playin'?"

"Uruguay and Mexico!"

/contemplative silence as all the bros watch the beautiful game for a few moments:

Then:

"LOL Dude, Uruguay looks like U R Gay!!"

"No brah, even better: Hey U! R U Gay? You are if you play for Uru-gay!!!"

"HARF HARF HARF"

"Change that shit to MTV, check to see if Jersey Shore is on."

"Aiight."

Political History

Perhaps due to the potential for rapid word-play with its name, in 2007 Uruguay became the first South American country to legalize same sex civil unions.* Uruguay is the second smallest country in South America with one of the region's most stable economies and governments. Which is sort of like saying "Uruguay is one of the brightest students in remedial math." Actually, they're doing fine, and have the 47th highest standard of living in the world. After gaining independence from Spain, Brazil, and Argentina in a military Royal Rumble reffered to as the "Guerra Grande" (Razor Ramon was eliminated by a flying Uruguayan Drop-Kick) a large number of Spanish and Italian immigrants came to the country. Current estimates put the percentage of the population tracing their roots to Europe at around 80%.

*Not at all due to its name.

Culinary Assets

Uruguay has earned a reputation for fantastic Asado:

Yes please, four of those.

I think we can all agree that Uruguay's elevation of barbecue to art-form status is a Culinary Asset. Also, they are big on Dulce de Lece which, literally translated, means "Caramel Crack".

Sporting Preview

Group A opponents: France (6/11), RSA (6/16), Mexico (6/22).

Nicknames: La Celeste ("The sky blues") and Los Charrúas ("The indigenous people of Uruguay"). I know which one I'm using.

Uruguay hosted and won the first ever world cup, in 1930. They won again in 1950. Two wins puts them in pretty rarefied air, but Uruguay's dominance was of a sport that doesn't much resemble the game played today. To put it another way, if Uruguay was an NCAA football team, they'd be Army.

Nevertheless, for a nation of only 3.3 million (500k less than Los Angeles) to even make the big dance out of the extremely competitive Conembol confederation is impressive in this day and age. Uruguay finished fifth in Conembol and had to beat Costa Rica of the Concacaf Confederation, in a home and away play-in series to earn their spot. Barring a surprising upset of France, or a classic home-cookin' loss to the RSA, to advance they will need to beat Mexico in what will likely be one of the most competitive final group games in the first stage. Of course, with a pair of strikers in Diego Forlan (Atl. Madrid) and Luis Suarez (Ajax) finishing likely won't be a problem. Do they play good defense? I don't know, they make mean barbecue, so they must be patient. That's probably a good sign.

Recent Cultural Contribution

Uruguay has given the world two prominent musicians recently: Jorge Drexler and Natalia Oriero. One seems to be a Latin American Jessica Simpson and the other is an Oscar-winning otolaryngologist who speaks fluent hebrew. You are free to guess which is which and to debate their artistic merits in the comments:

Exhibit A:

Spicy!

Exhibit B:

Thoughtfully composed after watching The Pianist!

So, that's Uruguay.

Next up, from Group B: Nigeria.

Meet the Teams 2-for-1: Argentina and Serbia

With travel and holidays and all other kinds of frooferah, we here at the Montanan Hooligan World Cup Center have been a little distracted (I mean, someone has to play with that new XBox 360). But we will aim to make up for this with a special Meet the Team dealing with two teams heading in different directions: Argentina and Serbia.

At first glance they don't seem to have much in common: Argentina is a glamorous South American country with a history of revolutionary ideologies, musical innovation and gorgeous scenery. Serbia is partially responsible for the Yugo. But both countries have some talented players, and seem like squads to fear in the World Cup. But who is worthy of your adoration and who's little better than a lump of coal? This chart may help you break it down.

Argentina	Serbia	Whose life is nice?	Whose life is naughty?
Star Players: Which one? There’s Lionel Messi, Carlos Tevez, Maxi Rodriguez, and half a dozen other guys that nerdy football fans go crazy for.	Star Players: Stand out defenders Nemanja Vidic and Branislav Ivanovic won’t win any beauty contests {literally} but they defend very well. Scoring goals...well...	Argentina	Serbia
Coach: Diego Maradona is Guano level crazy. And would vastly prefer to be the star of the team...but he doesn’t actually play for the team...which makes for awkwardness	Coach: Radomir “Raddy” Antic took a squad loaded with talent but empty on consistency and made them a reliable force.	Serbia	Argentina
Legacy: Lots of people stand in awe of Argentina, but their two titles came almost twenty-five years ago. Since then, it’s been a little early success and lot of later let downs.	Legacy: They were supposed to shock the world in 2006--but stank instead. Then they couldn’t find a soul to call them contenders--and won. Now they are once again a darkhorse....maybe.	Argentina	Serbia
Contribution to the ranks of sketchy world leaders: Juan Peron--I could claim that this spot belongs to Che, but c’mon...once you’re on a t-shirt the revolution’s over. Peron, meanwhile trampled free speech, protected Nazi war criminals and helped pave the way for a Madonna musical...ass.	Contribution to the ranks of sketchy world leaders: Slobadon Milosevic [“Slobby” to his friends--not that he had any] arguably the biggest whackjob of the late 90s (only competition is Saddam and an aging Castro...but still) xenophobic nationalism, polticial opportunism and the magic words: Ethnic cleansing--CREEPY!!!	Serbia	Argentina
Team Nickname: “White and Sky Blue”--I’m sorry, I didn’t know this was the world cup of interior design	Team Nickname: “The White Eagles”--Not sure whether it refers to the bird, Quarterbacks like Ron Jaworski or the musicians who play with Don Henley--anyway you slice it though, more bad ass than “white and sky blue”	Serbia	Argentina
Draw: Argentina has a low profile group of teams devoid of star opponents. South Korea, Nigeria and Greece don’t instill fear in the hearts of many--and definitely not in Argentina.	Draw: Serbia has the Group of Death’s younger brother, with 2006 knock out participants Germany, Ghana and Australia. Not pleasant. Not pleasant at all.	Argentina	Serbia

In the end the best case scenario for both teams are very very different. If everything goes according to plan for Argentina: the group stage is a cake walk and their momentum and sterling play carries them all the way to a Cup title. If everything goes to plan for Serbia: they can lock down Ghana and Australia, sneak in to round two, surprise England and arrive at the quarterfinals as the darlings of the tournament.

If you're a bit more cynical, you might expect Serbia to once again collapse in a pile of ineffective goo. Even worse? If Argentina demonstrates a hint of overconfidence and struggles as they have throughout the last year (read: if Diego Maradona acts remotely like the Diego Maradona who grabbed his crotched and told everyone in Argentina's media to "suck it and carry on sucking it"), they may be bounced in the group stage--and then get tarred and feathered upon their return home.

Meet the Team: Denmark

In this special weekly feature we’ll be introducing you to teams around the world, rather than have any kind of rhyme or reason to this we’ll be as hopelessly random in selecting the team we introduce and the way we introduce them.

Today, say “Det” to Denmark (That’s “Hello” in Danish), and to help us understand the team what better way to do it than through an interview with that legendary sports commentator: Hamlet! Prince of Denmark!

BMacK: Hamlet, you’re a legend in your own land, a prince, a scholar, a man for all seasons, and a former striker for Silkeborg IF whose winning goal against Brondby keeper Laertes won your team the Danish Cup. Welcome to the Montanan Hooligan’s World Cup Center

HPoD: “Why look you now, how unworthy a thing you make of me! You would play upon me; you would seem to know my stops; you would pluck out the heart of my mystery; you would sound me from my lowest note to the top of my compass”

BMacK: I’m sorry Hamlet, I thought I was giving you an adequate introduction, I-uhh...

HPoD: “Go, Go you question with a wicked tongue”

BMacK: Well...uh, okay, I guess the first real question is what lessons should we take from the Danish qualifying campaign. They finished at the top of their group and picked up a spot over traditional powers Sweden and Portugal with big wins in Lisbon and Solna. By all accounts that was embarrassing for the Portugese.

HPoD: “Their defeat does by their own insinuation grow./Tis dangerous when the baser nature comes/Between the pass and fell incensed points/Of mighty opposites.”

BMacK: Are you saying that Portugal is base and vile Hamlet?

HPoD: “I should have fatted all the region kites/With this slave’s offal. Bloody bawdy villain!/Remorseless, treacherous, lecherous, kindless villain!”

BMacK: Ooookay...well, let’s shift gears and talk about Morten Olsen, manager of the Danish national team and the longest tenured coach in the World Cup. He has been instrumental in building up the team and they’re even called Olsen’s Gang in the press. Hamlet, what is Olsen like

HPoD: “The king doth wake to-night and takes his rouse,/Keeps wassail, and the swagg’ring uprising reels,/And, as he drains his draughts of Rhenish down, the kettledrum and trumpet thus bray out”

BMacK: Really? I have a hard time believing that Olsen’s a hell raiser, but you’re the Prince. So I’ll buy it. Can you describe the Danish style of play?

HPoD: “The play’s the thing wherein I’ll catch the conscience of the king!”

BMacK: What the hell does that mean?

HPoD: “Denmark’s a prison...in which there are many confines, wards and dungeons, Denmark being one o’ th’ worst”

BMacK: Oh you must be talking about the recent shift in Denmark’s play from a more aggressive, 4-3-3 (4 defenders, 3 midfielders, 3-strikers) to a more defensive styled 4-4-2, or even 4-5-1.

HPoD: “Sir, I lack advancement”

BMacK: I don’t know about that Hamlet, sure they’re aging, but you have John Dahl Thomasson and Dennis Rommedahl up top. They both have some skills. and seem to be nurturing younger players like the up and coming Arsenal 21 year old Niklas Bendter. But alright then, thinking about the defense, who do you think is the star of the team?

HPoD: “Angels and ministers of grace defend us!”

BMacK: So you’re a fan of Daniel “Angel” Agger (of Liverpool) and Michael “Minster of Grace” Gravgaard (of Nantes)?

HPoD: “These tedious fools”

BMacK: Sorry, it’s just a little hard to follow with you talking all crazy.

HPoD: “I am but mad north-north-west. When the wind is southerly I know a hawk from a handsaw.”

BMacK: Oh, well since you put it that way...do you have anything else to say about the stars Hammy?

HPoD: “There be players that I have seen play, and heard others praise, and that highly, that...have so strutted and bellowed that I have thought some of Nature’s journeymen had made men, and not made them well, they imitated humanity so abominably.”

BMacK: Agreed, Christiano Ronaldo’s a tool. Okay, Hamlet, on to the draw, Denmark drew a tough group with the Dutch, the Japanese and Cameroon, what do you make of many claims that Danish Dynamite may not get through the first round at this cup?

HPoD: “Slanders, sir; for the satirical rogue says here that old men have grey birds; that their faces are wrinkled; their eyes purging thick amber and plum tree gum; and that they have plentiful lack of wit.”

BMacK: I agree, they aren’t the sexiest team, but the Danish are a great sleeper team.

HPoD: “To sleep, perchance to dream”

BMacK: Beautifully put Hammy, a close game against the Dutch could give them a mountain of confidence in the last matches against talented but inconsistent Japan and Cameroon, that can get them into the second round, and an over confident Italian squad may be ripe for the pickings sending the Danes to the quarterfinals.

HPoD: “Why, right! You are in the right!/And so, without more circumstance at all,/I hold it fit that we shake hands and part;/You, as your business and desires shall point you,/For every man hath business and desire,/Such as it is; and for my own poor part, Look you, I’ll go pray”

BMacK: While Hamlet prays for the best case scenario, I’ll sign off. For MacKenzie Low Budget Sports and the Montana Hooligan World Cup Center, I’m Ben MacKenzie.

Oliver Reed would be an unkillable zombie.

Just read the obit:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/obituaries/celebrity-obituaries/5208355/Oliver-Reed.html

The man was a modern viking.

Plus he was in Condorman as the bad guy, that's him on the walkie-talkie, probably calling out the Prognoviach.

Why yes, this is the best movie ever made. Why do you ask? Isn't it obvious?

So while Fela Kuti was also badass, and his zombie spawn with Charlize Theron would be redoubtable, nobody kills* un-dead Oliver Reed but un-dead Oliver Reed thank you very much.

What does this all mean for the world cup? Well, of course, Oliver Reed was English and if the English National Team can channel his spirit, we're in trouble. Here's a graphic of what that would look like:

Certain doom.

So, here's to you Oliver Reed, you magnificent bastard. Please keep your spirit out of convenient European spirit channels (sprunnels?), if you do, we promise that when you rise from the grave we'll simply direct you to the nearest pub because your un-dead self will hunger not for brains, this much is certain.

/hat tip to the spicy living series at EDSBS: http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/?s=spicy+living

*Its hard to figure what the verb should be when one terminates a zombie. They are, after all, already dead. So technically one just doesn't kill a zombie, rather one re-kills them. But, kill just sounds better. KILL KILL KILL. Does anyone know if this issue has been addressed definitively?

The World Cup Draw aka a chance to avoid work, talk about Zombies and worry that Joseph Blatter's looking for love in all the wrong places

Matt: Welcome one and all to the MacKenzie Low Budget Sports World Cup Draw Coverage, occurring simultaneously in Chicago, Illinois; Bowling Green, Ohio and Johannesburg, South Africa. I’m Matt MacKenzie...

Ben: And I’m Ben MacKenzie. We've got about two minutes before the soiree begins (though I don't know how quickly they'll get to the drawing We may need to sit through some cultural dances)

Matt: I've got the Fifa website up and it has a countdown clock to the draw, currently at 51 minutes. So yes, definitely some cultural dances

Ben: In that case we have no choice but to blather incessantly about both Soccer and the pomp and circumstance of what is, basically a glorified lotto draw. (And though we are both at work, we’ll both make time for the truly important things in life: international soccer, laws of probability and Charlize Theron.)

Matt: First question: I'm noticing something on fifa's website, can you describe the four pots?

Ben: The four pots are the four sets of teams which will soon be paired up into eight groups. No two teams from the same pot can face each other, and no two teams from the same confederation can face each other. That means that no African teams will face South Africa in the first round, nor will teams from South America have to play Brazil or Argentina in the first round.

Matt: And also that the best teams will only play one another in the more thrilling knock out stage, rather than the grueling group stage. But has this always been what they do?

Ben: I think for the last 4 or 5 tournaments. This is all part of an effort to give each confederation the opportunity to advance more of their confederation members. Our event tonight is being hosted by an attractive woman with a dress that looks like a leopard print tinged with teal and feather earrings, but before she goes to far we have an address from Nelson Mandela. [Awed silence as ...inspiration washes over us...until Matt has a sudden realization]

Matt: INVICTUS isn't about soccer. This has to piss off Clint Eastwood. You're promoting it wrong, Nelson!!!

Ben: HOW DARE THEY IGNORE WHAT CLINT WANTS!! I bet Nelson doesn't even plug the movie (the nerve of him, one little peace prize and it all goes to his head)

Matt: From now on the Group of Death is any dinner table where Clint Eastwood is sitting.

Ben: Well argued. I want to point out here that an important factor to note throughout the draw process is which group a team goes into as well as the groups next to them. For those of you who are fans of College Basketball you can think of this like looking ahead in March Madness...sure it’s great if you’re a number 3 seed, but whose the number 2 you’ll be facing later on? Each team will look ahead to consider not only the teams in their group, but the teams they might face in the round of 16, the quarter finals, and the semis in order to even reach the finals

Matt: Right. In the round of 16 and the quarter finals the top two teams in groups A & B are together, as are C & D, E & F, G & H, it’s only at the semi-finals that the best teams from A, B, C & D face off (or E, F, G & H). But we can guarantee that Argentina will play England before the final, they'll set that up right?

Ben: Oh, of course, they always do. (That was the whole reason for the Faulklands war, just to have a reason for more anger during Argentina-England matches)

Ben: WOAH! And we have our first terribly awkward moment of the world cup, as Joseph Blatter just said to our hostess: "It's easy to fall in love in Africa, when I look at you.......hehehe..."

Matt: Joseph Blatter has jungle fever, good thing he has a room named for him at the Mayo Clinic...in urology. HEY-OH!

Ben: NICELY DONE! And the MacKenzie Post Joke Celebrations are starting early.

Matt: So tell me who the favorites are? Spain & Brasil, that's the consesus right?

Ben: Yeah, but I'll go ahead and say that it's got to be Brasil No European team has won the World Cup outside of Europe

Matt: Bah.

Ben: If it's in North America, South America or Asia, it's always been Brazil/Argentina

Matt: double bah, and triple humbug

Ben: Well argued

Matt: That's kind of like the stat that people throw out in the baseball postseason like: The Yankees have never lost a series when up 3-0: different players, different teams, you can’t assume it will hold true.

Ben: That's true, on an unrelated side note, this show is like crack for world music nerds like me, Angelique Kidjo is singing now and if Youssa N'Dour turns up to make this a duet I might pass out from joy.

Matt: I surmised as much. What about Fela Kuti? Is he dead yet?

Ben: Yeah, I think he's actually been dead for a while

Matt: Then it would be super awesome if he showed up. Zombie Fela Kuti would be the baddest Zombie ever. Correction, Zombie Oliver Reed would be badder.

Ben: Of course, zombies make everything better (and in an intriguing side note: Zombie is actually an African word. It referred not only to those raised from the dead by black magic, but collaborators with slave traders) And what’s more one of Fela’s best songs was actually called: Zombie!

Matt: I DID NOT KNOW THAT, thank you Nerd.

Ben: And now Charlize Theron...

Matt: So hot.

Ben: Charlize Theron’s hotness is palpable and it comes from a very special place. Could you telestrate that Matt?

Matt: I can try Ben. Look at this picture of Charlize Theron. Sure there’s a smile, a cheery disposition, and a passion for sports. But there’s also a sense of humor. Don’t forget this woman followed up winning an academy award for playing a serial killer by playing Jason Bateman’s love interest on Arrested Development. Beauty, humor and a fondness for sport. Gentlemen begin your drooling.

Ben: I like that the Fifa World cup draw manages to become a lotto draw with the hottest women in the entire country making the announcements. Also worth noting, is that Theron, during rehearsals yesterday pulled out France's name and said: "Ireland". TAKE THAT THIERRY HENRY!!

Matt: Ha ha ha. Okay Ben, who is your dark horse pick?

Ben: Well, the popular dark horse is Cote D'Ivoire, with the immensely talented Didier Drogba and the Toure brothers. But, as a man whose been there I'll go with Ghana.

Matt: Now, is Ghana a heart pick or is that your real dark horse?

Ben: Mostly the heart, but depending on the draw they can actually make it happen

Matt: Fair enough. I'm pretending that I'm the Predictatron 6000 and am not biased in any way. My dark horse is . . .USA!

Ben: Oh Predictatron 6000 will you ever learn?

Matt: No, I don't really know enough to make any informed opinions. I'm like a babe in the woods here. Like a Blatter at a Sorority sleepover.

Ben: Then you’re just as qualified as 90% of ESPN.

Matt: Now who do you think is due for a run?

Ben: I would say (as everyone says) that England is due. They have the highest quality league in the world and their players are in constant competition with the world's best. They had a stellar qualifying campaign, but they've only made one semi in the past 50 years...I would also very much like the Dutch to win, but they often underperform, and Spain, even though they’re the favorites, they fold faster than a 2-7 off suit. One final note as we’re about ready to begin, (after they finish explaining a draw that’s more complicated than health care legislation) I think that Zombie Charlize Theorn and Zombie Fela Kunti's baby might have be able to kill Zombie Oliver Reed)

Matt: Only if the zombie baby drank four pints an hour.

Ben: He might be able to manage that, I’m sure zombie Charlize would just give the kid some pints o' blood and brains and he's happy.

Matt: So we start by drawing all the names from pot one first, as they’re drawn so shall they be listed from A-H. Interesting. Top half going towards the first semi-final: South Africa, Argentina, England & Germany. In the bottom half: Netherlands, Italy, Brazil and Spain.

Ben: Dang, I step away for a minute and a lot happens, I think that draw plays out nicely for England and Germany with neither South Africa nor Argentina playing their best right now. Without knowing anything else, they have a road with a potentially easy semi match (if they can get there) Meanwhile the two best teams right now (Brazil and Spain) are bound for (at best) a quarterfinal tussle.

Matt: On to the second pot, that includes North America, Asia, Asian wannabe Australia and New Zealand. And right away we’ve got Mexico in A, and South Korea in B. Mexico is a better team than South Africa, not so sure about Korea and Argentina.

Ben: Bad news for Americans the two easier top seeds are gone which means........SHIT! SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!

Matt: Eeesh.

Ben: DAMMIT!!! Well...we drew England, and we get them first and I think we’re bound for another group of death...

Matt: I think you’re too quick to judge. We could still take 2nd depending on the rest of the draw. Plus, England always has so much freaking pressure, maybe we'll pull the upset. But I have to say, I don't like Australia in Group D either, no easy going for Germany yet.

Ben: You're absolutely right, meanwhile Theron just keeps mocking the French guy. Quoth Frenchie to Charlize: "Did you know US played England in 1950, do you remember that?" The look on Theron’s face is just a priceless “WTF, do I look 70 to you?”)

Matt: I'm calling Group E right now as the Group Of Death.

Ben: With Nederlands and Japan? Makes sense, them or C or D. Italy and Brazil get New Zealand and North Korea which leaves Spain with Honduras. Two minnows not likely to scare the last two champs and favorites Spain should handle Honduras.

Matt: Group E is going to get an african heavyweight: Ghana or Cote D'Ivoire. That's predictotron 6000 logic.

Ben: Well done Predictatron. Meanwhile, we head on to Pot 3 the Africans and South Americans, so the fist two African teams drawn will face Argentina and Brazil respectively, while the first South American team to come up gets South Africa. (Thus avoiding the potential continental conflicts). Remember given the right draw Ivory Coast could have a run to the finals in them (so Argentina would be great) But it’s Nigeria with Argentina and...oh man! much harder run for Ivory Coast going through Brazil (possibly twice) and Spain

Matt: Now Algeria joins group C, and Algeria I'll take, meanwhile Group D is looking awfully Scythe toting (Ghana gets it again).

Ben: Agreed, Australia's the class of the Asian Confederation, Germany is always tough, Ghana's hard too, their title as group of Death depends on the other European. Predictatron may still be right since Cameroon isn't bad in Group E.

Matt: Yeah, but D is just looking monsterous, meanwhile Spain essentially has a bye

Ben: I’m not so sure, Chile has actually done well of late and a lot of people think they could be dangerous. We’re through pot 3 and on to the last set of teams to draw, the Europeans in pot 4, led by the dangerous French and Portuguese (as well as Greeks and Danes), these will be drawn A-H, and I still think that Mexico has a semi-descent shot at a surprise run to the semis...OH HELL NO!

Matt: France gets grouped with Mexico.

Ben: I know that Everybody's saying that France will have something to prove

Matt: Slovenia! Ha! we ducked Greece and got Slovenia

Ben: We’ve got a shot, we just need to not hate ourself after that match against England, and stay positive during those last two matches. A draw and a win after England could be enough to put us in the round of 16.

Matt: The problem is that whoever comes out of Group D: at both spots is going to be a beast

Ben: Dammit, you’re right D's gotta be the scythe toter, I think we might want to hope for the Aussies or Ghana, we can catch either of those teams but a tough physical Serbian team....Not our cup of tea

Matt: And Germany?

Ben: Yeah...I don't even want to think about that...disciplined sides that don't make mistakes, not our favorite

Matt: Well, they still have to actually play the games.

Ben: That's true, there's a looong time to come before then

Matt: In the time we’ve been away, the Danes and Slovaks joined groups E and F, and now PORTUGAL!

Ben: G looks pretty deadly Poor North Korea

Matt: Hey baby, at least they get to leave their godforsaken minestrewn country

Ben: I thought Kim Jong-Il was god? (At least in his own mind). Well, that will have to do it for the Montana Hooligans for now. More analysis will be on the way throughout the six months leading up to our first cup including a concerted effort to post one blog a week analyzing each team, their strengths, their weaknesses and some inane form of blather that amuses me. We’ll hear from a host of other bloggers all soon to arrive on our site, and we will always be happy to welcome you all back, but for now I’m Ben MacKenzie

Matt: And I’m Matt MacKenzie and from all of us here at MacKenzie Low Budget Sports goodnight from Ohio, Chicago and South Africa.

Here we go again

This blog has seen a number of false starts recently, because it can never seem to get enough traction to keep it going for a long time.

As good fortune would have it, now there is traction. 32 teams are booking flights for South Africa, pundits and prognosticators are salivating at the potential match-ups, and Theirry Henry is looking for a rock to crawl under.

While we have a long time before this actually gets going, we will have plenty of things to keep us occupied until then. The draw comes on Friday and we will endeavor to present a detailed reaction to the draw on this blog. The brothers MacKenzie will lead the way with detailed reactions.

BUT! In the spirit of expanding Montana's population rolls we are inducting a wide range of new Montanan's into our Hooligan blatherfest, invitations have gone out to individuals spread far and wide: Africans, Asians, South Americans even (shudder) Europeans now have the name of this blog and because they know one Montanan they can hereby apply for blogger citizenship and proclaim to the world their opinions. (Don't worry, if things get too saucy, the English teacher is here to edit and critique)

We'll have a blog a week on the teams coming down to the cape building up to the kick off, the analysis and the complete and utter pandemonium of World Cup Soccer, so join us again on Friday at one Eastern time in the US, for a recap of the draw and a host of analyses from us:

The Montanan Hooligans

This just in...

(a day late)

Italy stinks...

That is all

Wait a second....they play soccer...NOW?

I have to say, I totally forgot about the Confederations Cup...I mean, it just never seemed as important as qualifying or the cup itself. Or perhaps it just seemed that way because the US was never in it. And because we never care about anything that we don't win.

But I have to admit, I have quickly become a fan of Confederations Cup football, it's the world cup on a smaller stage, it gives a little taste of the World Cup, but doesn't exactly have the propensity for drunken Brits falling out of the upper deck--not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but still.

Quick observations

1) South Africa might be the first host nation that doesn't deserve an automatic berth--seriously, that many opportunities and you couldn't score?

2) New Zealand lost--raise your hand if you are surprised---didn't think so.

3) Brazil and Egypt are on right now...and in 14 minutes there have been three goals...what was that people were saying about how dull football was?

4) The trumpets in the stands sound like soggy bees...not exactly a selling point.

5) I have a meeting during the US' match later...fingers crossed, come on boys, lets piss of the Italians again--its' a lot of fun.

Confederation Cup fever! CATCH IT!!

ONE YEAR

Start the countdown

365 Days

8760 Hours

525,600 Minutes

31,536,000 Seconds...31,535,999...31,535,998

Maybe I'm excited too early, maybe I'm a gigantic dork, maybe you should just shut your pie hole and get pumped up.

31,535,983

HELL YES!

Do The Right Thing, Again

I was disappointed to find that when I start teaching something my love for it tends to wane.

Of Mice and Men didn't seem as heartwarming once I had to read 30 papers about it's heartwarmingness.

Gratiano in The Merchant of Venice wasn't as caustic once I had to hear daily class debates about how caustic he was.

It's not a complaint about students, just about my failure to elicit complex responses.

So I was worried when I decided to teach film study through Do the Right Thing. I didn't really want to ruin my love of that movie.

Another 30 papers will come in tomorrow with analyses regarding how cinematic devices reflect the philosophies of Malcolm X or Martin Luther King Jr. And I'm loving Do The Right Thing more with each passing class period.

The angles used on Radio Raheem and Da Mayor subtle support the struggle for power by force rather than through mindless oration.

The color coded costuming of the violent Pino in White and the peaceful Vito in Black enhances non-violent philosophies while turning older stereotypes of "wearing the black hat" on it's ear.

The diagetic laughter while the camera zooms in on Italian Wall of Fame pictures enflames the dormant white philosophy of superiority on the black masses.

The five close-ups of hate followed by Senor Love Daddy's close-up tirade for love uses a change in motion to accentuate the merits of action and peaceful action at that for positive social change.

The vague conclusion of Radio Raheem's LOVE V. HATE soliloquy foreshadows the eventual conclusion of the film, but the lighting on each knuckle continues the long running device of Hate in darkness and love in light.

These are all impressively logical interpretations of this film. And they are all developed by 17 year old kids who had never thought about these philosophies or cinematic devices until three weeks ago.

I've never thought of half of these things, and I'm geeking out over the movie even more.

I love my job.

Upsets and Blowouts

Gunhhhuh? What...uh...I, wait, what?

Why's my beard so long? What's that nasty odor? Why am I writing stream of consciousness on a blog?

Is that the last time this site was updated? July 1st...well...oh, today's the second...oh...of September you say?

Well that would explain the beard and odor at least.

I'm sorry, I just woke up from a two month long nap, and I'm just trying to get readjusted.

I suppose it's worth looking at the news of life in the sporting world since I've been asleep.

Oh, cripes, the Tour De France sucks again.

Oh, well, Barry Bonds did what we all knew he was going to do.

Oh, hell, the Yankees are winning again.

Oh...my...God...Michael Vick does what?!?!?

This is awful, this is disgusting, this whole thing just makes me want to remove ESPN from my favorites and wash my hands of all the cheating, sadistic, multi-millionaires and their petty problems.

Oh...wait...Appalachian State did what?

Really...34-32?

In Ann Arbor?

Hehehehehehehe.

I love sports.

A team that, granted, is probably the Ohio State of Division IAA football, just beat Michigan, which is the Michigan of Division IA football. I know that the Mountaineers are responsible for a great deal of moaning and groaning in Montana, particularly around Missoula where the moans and groans are bested only by the sounds of the String Cheese Incident being blared from dorm rooms day and night.

But still.

Appalachian State beat Michigan.

That's pretty friggin sweet.

And what's this I see? Oh, of course Man U's back in business, and Beckham's injured again, but if you look closely you'll see something far cooler. That Iraq won the Asian Football Cup. That qualifiers for the 2010 World Cup, the one that everyone in the soccer world adn their mom dismissed, have started up and are going swimmingly. Or as swimmingly as they can when it involves Vanuatu and American Samoa (For the record, American Samoa, 15:0? The U.s. finally starts to get it's soccer act together and you lose 15:0 to Tonga? Bush is going to invade you...or he would if he could find you on a map...or if I could find you on a map...I'm sorry American Samoa, you can come back now).

There's something special about this. Not so much the gambling or the steroids or the puppy pulverizing, not even the fact that two countries 99% of the world couldn't find on a map are playing for the right to have the right to play for half of a right to play for a spot in the World Cup. But the fact that far from the glare that most people care about, from the popping flashbulbs that chronicle how Barry's head grows each day, or how Michael's goatee seems flecked with spittle, or how Alex's wife wears her t-shirts, there are people playing because that's what they do. They just play. Not because they have a whole lot of chance to make millions professionally, not because they have any real hope of playing in the most prestigious tournament on the planet, but just because, it's a game, and it's fun.

So here's to you Julian Rauch, you and your wobbly 24 yard kick.

And here's to you Armanti Edwards, you and your 3 Touchdown catches.

And here's to you Corey Lynch, not as cooly named, but just as vital to the field goal blocking glory that is yours.

And here's to you Roy Krishna and your Fijian side that's looking to share half a column with ijay Singh.

And here's to Viliamu Seifiku of Tuvalu, who's 87th minute goal earned the team that isn't even recognized by FIFA a draw with comparative heavyweights Tahiti, more or less knocking the Tahitians and Axel Williams (who, you've got to admit, would probably be cooler to hang out with than Axel Rose: Dissolute 80's hair rocker V.s. Tahitian football player...go with the Tahitian). To you Viliamu! To you for taking the 16:0 drubbing from Roy Krishna and coming back with your side's only goal of qualifying!

I'm going back to sleep for two months...and despite all the inanities that are doubtless to follow, I'll keep coming back to meet the new Julians, Armantis, Coreys Roys and Viliamus Seifikus...hell I'll even come back for the Axels, they're far more worth cheering than the multimillionaires.

They are me.

They are you.

They just play.

And they play well.

...
...
...

Okay, maybe they aren't quite me.

Knock Out

So, to conclude this whole wonderfully dorky experiment with movies and our views on them, here a few quick things to digest:

1) The highest ranked AFI movie that Brent and I both left off of our list: Gone With the Wind at #6.
Brent's already explained how Titanic is merely our generations version of Gone with The Wind and if, for some reason, that isn't enough for you to agree with leaving it off the list, let me just say that I enjoyed watching Gone with the Wind because my younger brother and I sat eating candy for three hours cheering Sherman and damning Vivien Leigh so loudly that the neighbors complained. Frankly my dear, I really don't give a damn.
(Other popular picks that Brent and I paid no attention to, 2001: A Space Odyssey, It's a Wonderful Life, E.T., Mr. Smith Goes to Washington)

2) The highest ranked movies that Brent I listed that AFI did not were both at numbe 10 on our lists: Brent's Blue Velvet and my Hoop Dreams both missed the cut. I'm not sure why Brent's isn't there, and I'll vent about the absence of Hoop Dreams in a minute.

3) I had 57 movies on the AFI list, Brent had 39 (between us 65). That's actually not something to brag about, I'm just a dork who likes this sort of thing, and you're apparently a dork who reads this sort of thing, so I thought you might be interested...though probably not in dating me any more, right?

4) There are plenty more debates to be had about this kind of thing, and doubtless Brent and I have proven ourselves to have both the time, energy and inclination to waste our lives in pointless banter for our own amusement. The greatest directors? Actors? Actresses? Comedies? There's plenty to bring to the table. The most overrated movie (clearly we're both thinking Gone with the Wind) the most underrated movie (That Dr. Strangelove is our combined number one, and yet rates below a movie I put on at #99 and Brent utterly despises should be a sign), the most overrated underrated movie, the most underrated overrated movie (Ordinary People? Not better than Raging Bull, but not the crap everyone thinks it is), Action movies, date movies, and the kind of movies that let you know: Hey-this-is-a-person-I-should-hang-out-with-more (my sister-in-law's idea).

There's time for all of those, and if we've drastically misjudged our audience, if there are in fact a throng of people out there loving these posts and eager to join the discussion just post a quick comment saying what you want us to argue about and we will argue about it.

But lets start with this.

I cannot, for the life of me, understand why documentaries were not allowed on the AFI list. I've been trying to figure it out for weeks now.

*Is it because it's not as great of a challenge to simply record life and then edit it into a story, but it is a great challenge to meticulously force life to look like what you want it to?

*Is it because actors and actresses in several pounds of make up wearing thousand dollar costumes on elaborate sets, often with the aid of technical assistance tell us more about our lives then we do?

*Is it because there are only a handful of documentarians and their subject can usually step right back into their normal lives without missing a beat but there are thousands of people for whom movies are their lives and they would like to congratulate eachother rather than opening up to the people actually in touch with the real world?

Whatever the case, documentaries are not allowed. And that is a shame. I don't think that Hoop Dreams is the best film ever made, but I think it comes closer than most movies I've seen. Even ths techinical aspects, the editing, the camera angles, the sound effects, they all combine to make three hours pass like three minutes. I love the other movies on my top 10 but why isn't Hoop Dreams even allowed to compete?

I could go on more, about how sports is a great way to view the American experience (witness Raging Bull #1 for Brent, #3 for me, #4 for AFI), or about how the American dream is best demonstrated the people who don't have anything rather than the people who have everything (probably why I root for Arthur and William and want Scarlett and Rose to suffer some brutal torture), but instead I'll pivot this topic to another one that's been bothering me.

Is Michael Moore a talented film maker or a moronic toady who intentionally harasses people into making a profit for himself?

I can't believe I'm asking that question. I'm a Democrat. I'm a liberal. I'm for Universal Health Care, and better public schools, and I'll gladly pay higher taxes to do so. I'm embarassed by the government's allowances for guns, and willingness to go to war, I should agree with Michael Moore, so why is it everytime he comes out with a movie I'm tempted to go write a check to the RNC?

Perhaps it's because of my love of Hoop Dreams. There you have a real story, unedited, unvarnished, unchanged from what happened in real life. The directors became part of the lives of two boys, talked with their parents, heard their pain and eventually helped pay for some of their college tuition.

Michael Moore takes real life, and jams his fat bloated face into every frame, forcing the rest of the people in his little drama to pay attention to him and to emote and react to what he's talking about at any given time. He looks like he cares on film, but you have to ask yourself, who really wants him there?

I shudder during Farenhiet 9/11 when the mother breaks down in tears in front of the White House because I think (perhaps too callously) that Moore kind of wanted that to happen as a means to prove his point, whereas, when William Gates breaks down near the end of Hoop Dreams because he has yet again failed to get his team to the state tournament, the camera stays farther away, not forcing itself into the moment, simply showing him and his family, for no point other than to reflect what matters to people, even if it's as simple as a basketball game.

Or consider Bowling For Columbine when Moore antagonizes Charlton Heston, misleading him at first to believe that he's a good ol' boy with an NRA card, and then holding up a picture of a little girl in an effort to emotionally blackmail the old fuddyduddy. Steve James (one of three directors of Hoop Dreams) is heard only once in the whole movie, asking one of the boys to read him a paper he has written about the life cycle of the butterfly.

I think what makes me maddest about Michael Moore, and most eager to go running to the very people he and I both disagree with, is that he seems to be spurning the good work that other documentarians actually do. He makes oodles of money and gets tons of national press for being selfish, egotistical, callously explotative and atagonistic, while the really good documentaries sit on shelves becuase they show life and leave it at that. Sure, there are exceptions (March of the Penguins, and the smash SuperSize Me most notably) but there's plenty to be celebrated in real life, with real people and film makers who endeavour to show our world to us unvarnished by the glamour of Hollywood, and to ignore them in favor of a man who twists things to his own ends (no matter how much I agree with them) strikes me as foolish.

Any thoughts?