Happy Trails: 209-196(ish)

I'm rather fond of giving a little glimpse into the minnows and would-be-Cinderellas of the World Cup Qualifying campaigns, and I don't even feel like it's a pattern that should be limited to those who win (or are likely to win).

That's where this "Happy Trails" feature comes in. At the end of any month that features World Cup qualifiers I try to take a peek and see who has ridden off into the sunset of international futbol irrelevance for the next few years.

As this is the first time every member of FIFA is set to compete in qualifying, we have a lot of people to say goodbye to, long before we even smell the borsht in Russia three years from now. With that, let's raise a pint (or, given FIFA's sponsorship deals: Let's raise AN ICE COLD BUDWEISER BROUGHT TO YOU BY COCA COLA, OFFICIAL SPONSOR OF HYUNDAI'S SPONSORSHIP OF THE WORLD CUP) to the gone, and soon to be forgotten eliminated squads of the World Cup

(Note, each entry bases the ranking on games played, goal difference and finally chronological order. Entries begin with goodbye in a local language, a recap of previous performance, and change in position from one world cup cycle to the next)


209-ish*Lesali Sesihamba, Zimbabwe (2014 Finish #115; -94 spots)

Why They Lost: Well, technically they haven't lost yet, they haven't even played a game yet. But FIFA has "expelled" Zimbabwe from the World Cup because they failed to pay former coach Jose Georgini after firing him. And while Zimbabwe's totally going to fight this, FIFA's not exactly known for changes of heart.

It's worth noting that Zimbabwe was allowed to participate in the 2014 qualifiers, despite the fact that their previous head of the FA (ZIFA) was fired when she sent a fake national team to lose in South Asia and couldn't explain what happened to a $103,000 loan from the government. So, you know, undermine the legitimacy of the international system, no biggie, fail to pay a coach and hold your horses! Her replacement Dr. Cuthbert Dubet (who some accuse of organizing the charges against her despite his awesome name) makes $6.4 Million a year, so at least graft shouldn't be an issue for him.

So long story short, if Dr. Dubet fixes it we'll drop the others on this list down a spot each, if Zimbabwe stays eliminated let's just say it's because of total systemic corruption...

What We'll Miss: Lots of sure fire Robert Mugabe zingers. "Robert Mugabe's so paranoid, he thinks the Western forces driving him out of power are being driven out of power by other Western forces"; "Robert Mugabe's got so many delusions of grandeur even Kanye West thinks he needs to settle down." I CAN DO THIS ALL DAY MUGABE!!

#208 Buh Bye, Bahamas (2014 Finish: #176;  -32)

Why They Lost: After their unfortunate dismissal due to infrastructure problems four years ago, The Bahamas were utterly smoked by Bermuda in both legs of their matches, losing five-nil AT HOME and three-nil in Bermuda. Sloppy defending and frequent fouls seem to be the most common problem for Bahamian Slayersz (seriously, according to Wikipedia that's their nickname). With disarray on set pieces, failures to clear, cynical challenges and even captain Happy Hall earning a red card.

What We'll Miss: Hard to top a player named Happy Hall, even if he didn't look remotely Happy during the drubbing 

#207 Fare thee well, Anguilla (2014 Finish: #195; -12)

Why They Lost: The worst team to enter CONCAF Qualifying had to feel unlucky drawing the best team in the first round. There were long odds against Nicaragua from the off, and those long odds got longer when they lost five-nil in the first leg. The Three Dolphins may have bitten off more than they could chew, but there's always four years from now.

What We'll Miss: Ryan Liddie may not sound like a great keeper, but from the Nicaraguan match report, it was pretty clear that he was the only thing standing between Anguilla and a brutal drubbing.

#206 Ta-Ta, Turks and Caicos (2014 Finish #196; -10)

Why They Lost: Four years after getting pummeled by the Bahamanians, Turks and Caicos clearly found a way to get in to goal. They even grabbed a lead during the away leg thanks to Defender Widlin Calixte's brace in the first five minutes. However, all the new fire power made little difference when they were repeatedly picked apart by St. Kitts' even more potent attack (including Leicester City's Harrison Panayiotou and his hat trick).

What We'll Miss: As a Montanan living in Minnesota, the chance to bask in Cup Qualifying glory of the rival San Antonio Scorpions 'twin Turk/Caicos combo, Billy Forbes and Marc Fenelus (though since Fenelus is only 17 there's still time.)

#205 Bayarti, Mongolia (2014 Finish #198; -7)

Why They Lost: The Blue Wolves couldn't repeat the 2011 feat of taking a win in qualifying against this cycle's opponent, Timor-Leste and while a 4-1 defeat left a lot of work to do on the return leg. But a stultifying one-nil loss in Ulan Bator where nothing but cards flew after the 9th minute, showed that the young Mongolians still have a long way to go. 

What We'll Miss: Forward Soyol-Erdene Gal-Erdene has a lot of weight on his shoulders as a part of Tottenham Hotspur's youth program, but the real focus should be on Murun Altankhuyag, the midfield playmaker who will need to partner with Gal-Erdene for future matches. Hopefully a move to Serbia will boost those odds.

#204 Jongin, Macau (2014 Finish: #207; +3)

Why They Lost: Four years on from a 13 goal drubbing by Vietnam, Macau was actually much improved against Cambodia including a 1-1 draw to draw a point in the home leg of the match. But the 3-0 defeat in Phnom Penh under cut that.

What We'll Miss: Easy access to book makers and Macau's world famous gambling paradise. What's that? International accusations of match fixing? Uh...I'm sure there are other things to miss in Macau...

#203 So Long, US Virgin Islands (2014 Finish: #160; -43)

The Dashing Eagles must leave the pitch
in 20 minutes so 7th graders can
run the mile.

Why They Lost: The Dashing Eagles have a lot of youth and optimism around their team. With a host of teenagers, a confident captain in Dusty Goode (the old man of the team at 28), and an inspirational coach in Ahmed Mohamed Ahmed (of Mogadishu). But they do not have Wigan Athletic captain Emmerson Boyce. Barbados did. So despite a 1-0 win in Barbados, a 4-0 loss at home (where Boyce's addition seems to have made the difference) saw them out of the contest

What We'll Miss: The Virgin Islanders hosted a match at a Junior High School Field. That's the kind of home field advantage for young players that would be beautiful to see (especially if Mexico had to come to town)

#202 Namaste, Nepal (2014 Finish #190; -12)

Why They Lost: In the last cycle we were plumping for young Rohit Chand, while he's still young, and still Nepal's best hope, he seemed out gunned, if you believe scouting reports that put him in charge of stopping India's top striker: Sunil Chhetri...only to have Chhetri's brace be the difference in qualification. But it's also worth noting that vaunted youth striker Bimal Magar, (currently trying out with Belgium's KRC Genk), was a total non-factor.

What We'll Miss: The charming Nepalese badge, like a double corner kick over Mount Everest.

#201 Khuda Hafiz, Pakistan (2014 Finish: 201; No Change)

Why They Lost: I've got to say, I don't think Pakistan is at all to blame here, I mean. They played Yemen twice in the gulf due to security concerns in both Yemen and Lahore. Delays, confusion, all of that left the Pak Shaheens unfortunately discomfited for their ties against a similarly confused but more highly regarded Yemeni squad. 

What We'll Miss: Muhammad Hamza's tweeting and writing is a great sample of passionate and proud futbol journalism from a country that few might focus on otherwise.

#200 Poittu Varen, Sri Lanka (2014 Finish: 202; +2)

Why They Lost: Overconfidence? Underestimation? Apathetic fans? Whatever the case, Sri Lanka crashed out to Bhutan. They had the better run of form, more professionals who played in a better league, a more experienced and worldly coach, a higher FIFA ranking and none of that mattered an inch. But on the plus side, they are responsible for what may become my new mantra while talking about underdogs. Whatever skills and talents the favorites have..."So Did Sri Lanka"

What We'll Miss: The chance for a nice nap...

Here's the fans when Bhutan won at home

And here's the best shot of the fans I could find from Colombo. 

Tiny Thimpu turned out 15,000 for a match, Colombo only rounded up 3,500 (many of those were Bhutanese University students)...despite the fact that Thimpu's metro population of 115,000 is about 2% of Colombo's 5 Million. Sure Bhutan's story is great for football, but sports writers need to sleep as much as the next guy/girl.

Uh, oh...he heard me.

#199 Selamaat Tiggal, Brunei (2014 Finish: Did Not Enter; +11)

Why They Lost: Brunei seemed to suffer from a classic case of scoring too early. The down side of doing that in a two-legged match is that you leave all manner of time for your opponents to get you back. Adi Said's strike in the 36th minute in Tapei gave "The Wasps" a big lead...a lead they squandered at home, conceding a goal on either side of their orange slices, to leave the wealthy sultanate wondering what went wrong...and why they didn't get a better half-time snack than orange slices, I mean...come on you're Brunei! You're supposedly the fifth richest ruler in the world!

What We'll Miss: Sassing the Sultan of Brunei: he's a man rich enough to afford a different medal for every hour of the day. But clearly he missed the oligarchical football management class from Roman Abromovic

#198 Bye, British Virgin Islands (2014 Finish: 193; -5)

Why They Lost: The British Virgin Islands didn't get the benefit of a home leg against Dominica due to construction on their best pitch (a combination cricket/soccer pitch...more proof that multipurpose stadiums just don't work! If only an owner could threaten to move the national team...). So despite young talents playing the game in the lower levels of the British professional system and various American colleges, they couldn't put it all together against Dominica.

What We'll Miss: For a team called "The Nature Boyz" this would have been a tremendous opportunity to double down on Ric Flair References. Sadly, we'll save the stylin' and profilin' for Christiano Ronaldo.

#197 Ta, Ta, Montserrat (2014 Finish: 193; -4)

Why They Lost: A team made up almost entirely of English citizens with Monserratian parentage (since a volcanic eruption 20 years ago sent a lot of the population to the less volatile English countryside) had a fair way to go just to compete, and minimal time to train. Also, they faced a Curaco squad coached by Dutch striking legend Patrick Kluivert...who can even get this match on to the sports pages of the vaunted Idaho Statesman.

What We'll Miss: Lyle Taylor is clearly the main attraction and focus for the Emerald Boys, his potential has allowed him to bounce around a bit, with his greatest successes coming in Scotland first with Falkirk and now on loan to Partick Thistle. Still just 25, he may be able to boost the islanders to new heights in four years.

#196 Catch ya later, Cayman Islands (2014 Finish: 156; -40)

Why They Lost: The Away Goals Rule. A surprisingly game Cayman squad managed a pair of draws against a better Belize team (though Belize was without Atlanta Silverbacks Striker "Dangerous" Deon McCaulay who knotted 11 goals in the last cycle), but since they drew 1-1 in the Cayman city of George Town, Belize moved on.

What We'll Miss: The Cayman Island badge is a nice subtle nod to their English heritage, but with a slightly smilier Lion. He's your pal!

Happy Trails #175-144

Some people sneak peeks at game scores between spreadsheets and meetings, I managed to find a way to sneak peeks at the results from World Cup qualifiers between activities and lessons. Heck, I tried to squeeze score updates into classroom conversation (it helps teaching world literature to kids from diverse backgrounds...all the more reason to say--and hey, since we've read about Sumeria let's check in on how their great, great, great (x10 to the 25th) grand kids are doing in world cup qualifying!).

But for now, let's just satisfy ourselves with digging into the nitty gritty of who fell flat, and why.

175 Where'd you go, Mauritius?
Why They Lost: Generally speaking, not playing the games at all doesn't help your chances. (Though being nicknamed the Dodos, an extinct bird probably didn't help any.) Mauritius became the third team to back out of the competition, due to lack of funds.
Who/What We'll Miss: Cheering for our favorite strikers from Mauritius' Pamplemousse FC (aka Grapefruit FC)

174 Ka Kite, Cook Islands
Why They Lost: They only have 24,000 citizens from which to draw a team (Helena could have a deeper bench)
Who/What We'll Miss: Food Network mistakingly airing games from Oceanic qualifiers.

Diamond Ott at Right

173 Tofa, American Samoa
Why They Lost: Despite having gotten schellacked by an international record score of 31-0 by Australia in April, American Samoa nearly got into Round Two of OFC qualifying. Needing a win against hosts Samoa in their final match they unfortunately lost 1-0 and went home in third place after notching their first four points EVER in World Cup Qualifying
Who/What We'll Miss: His last second near-equalizer almost made him a hero but really, just being named Diamond Ott makes you a winner in our books.



172 Mou Nofo A, Tonga
Why They Lost: Despite a win in their rivalry game against Cook Islands (known as the Battle for James Cook's Love) they couldn't come up with needed results against either American Samoa or Samoa.
Who/What We'll Miss: We have to assume the erstwhile "Friendly Islands" would have made a great host for various matches.

171: Ma'as salaama, Djibouti
Why They Lost: It sure looked like the Djibouti never stood a chance, getting whooped 4-0 on both legs of their home-and-away series with titans Namibia. So don't color us surprised.
Who/What We'll Miss: Let's be honest...north, south, east or west, "Djibouti" is about the most enjoyable name of a nation to say.

No luck for you
Kevin Betsy!

170: Orevwar, Seychelles
Why They Lost: Despite establishing themselves as the most dominant island nation in the Indian ocean, that's still a little like being the toughest kid in the sou-southeasterly corner of the sandbox, and they never stood a chance against the heavyweights in Kenya.
Who/What We'll Miss: It's a shame that after 14 years bouncing around the divisions of English football that Kevin Betsy's only been able to play a few games for the Seychelles, it's even more disappointing that he's done in World Cup qualifiers before he even got started.

169: Sala Kahle, Swaziland
Why They Lost: Perhaps the King's Shield was still riding high off a stunning win against Togo prior to the 2010 World Cup, but they looked totally over matched losing 8-2 aggregate to Congo DR.
Who/What We'll Miss: I had a grad school advisor who was tight with the King of Swaziland...so based on two degrees of separation I'm sorry they came up so short.

mmmm....sponge bread

168: Nabad geylo, Somalia
Why They Lost: Inexplicably, after a 0:0 draw in the first leg the Ocean Stars got pummeled by Ethiopia 5-0 in the second leg.
Who/What We'll Miss: Minneapolis is a haven for Somalian refugees, it would have been nice to eat some canjeero during the matches from Brazil.

167: Tchau, Sao Tome e Principe
Why They Lost: Like Somalia, Sao Tome e Principe followed up a strong draw with Congo in the first leg with a brutal 5-0 drubbing in the second match.
Who/What We'll Miss: If Sao Tome e Principe had qualified for the second round they would have proven a remarkable story; coming back after 8 years off from relevant matches to pull a stunner like that? Amazing. Of course, they lost....but if it HAD happened!

166: Namkwaheri, Comoros
Why They Lost: Losing the first leg 4-1 in Mozambique dug a hole that the Coelacanth's could not come back from.
Who/What We'll Miss: In addition to a young and growing team, it's a shame that we no longer have a team in the competition whose nickname is a prehistoric fish.

Afewerki's stunned into silence
by my brutal burn

165: Selamet, Eritrea
Why They Lost: After two years without participating in international competition, the Eritreans might have been a little under prepared for the next round of competition.
Who/What We'll Miss: Another despotic tyrant's team is out of the picture, meaning one less figure to mock with the immunity of American internet anonymity. So let's get the joke out while we can: Isaias Afewerki impinges on freedom of the press so much he won't even let people iron their shirts! (KA ZING!!!)

164: Nabai, Guinea Bissau
Why They Lost: Despite being neck-and-neck with Togo through two legs of qualification, Guinea-Bissau fell a goal short because Emmanuel Adebayor loves crushing people's dreams.
Who/What We'll Miss: At 19, midfielder Zezinho is already a valuable part of Sporting's reserve squad. Maturing into a leader could make him and the Djurtus a future force.

163: N'agasaka, Burundi
Why They Lost: Only managing a 2-2 draw at home against fellow minnow Lesotho left the Swallows helpless to move on.
Who/What We'll Miss: The opportunity to keep running this video clip of Eddie Izzard's imagined cup of coffee with the president of Burundi (Pierre Nkurunziza)

162: Adieu, Chad
Why They Lost: The 2-1 loss at home gave Les Sao a lot to overcome in the second leg, and though they notched a win in Tanzania, the 1-0 score line had them head home on away goals.
Who/What We'll Miss: The chance to talk to the perpetually underrated Japhet "The Wizard" N'Doram.

161: Veloma, Madagascar
Why They Lost: After falling 2-0 in the oppressive oil baron dictatorship of Equitorial Guinea, and conceding another goal at home, Madagascar needed four second half goals to move ahead--they settled for 2 goals and a hard fought victory.
Who/What We'll Miss: Insinuating that they sold their national football soul to Dreamworks in association for positive references in the Madagascar cartoon series.

160: So long, US Virgin Islands
Why They Lost: Our "Well-I'll-Be-Damned" Minnow to Watch in CONCACAF's 2nd Round of qualifying had a problem keeping balls out of the back of their net scoring 2 and allowing 40 to finish last in their group.
Who/What We'll Miss: Finding more parallels between Tim Duncan and Peter Crouch.

159: See you later, Barbados

TRIDENT TEAM, ASSEMBLE!

Why They Lost: While their goal differential of -12 is a far cry from USVI's -38, they still lost all six matches.
Who/What We'll Miss: I still love this set of Barbadian superheroes I found on a random google search...seriously, where can I find these action figures?

158: Bon swe, Dominica
Why They Lost: Deprived of two matches against Bermuda in Group C, Dominica was the weakest of that lot failing to score a single goal (see, something to be proud of Barbados/USVI)
Who/What We'll Miss: The chance to talk to our most random club team affiliation so far--Midfielder Chad Bertrand, born Dominican, yet playing in Goa, India.

157: Catch you later, St. Lucia
Why They Lost: Though they did muster a draw against St. Kitts & Nevis, St. Lucia came up empty in all their other matches
Who/What We'll Miss: They still dance quadrilles for fun down there! It's like Jane Austen in a tropical climate!

156: Time to cash in, Cayman Islands
Why They Lost: The "Shell Corporations" round out our bottom five of CONCACAF because they, like their fellow cellar dwellars couldn't do much offensively or defensively (notice a theme coaches?)
Who/What We'll Miss: Tax evasion jokes

It's not like England
would try him again anyway

155: Gotta go, Grenada
Why They Lost: While Grenada has players among top flight leagues in the US and England, most are at/or near their 30 year old season, making them a little old to keep up with younger fresher teams.
Who/What We'll Miss: They are known as "The Spice Boys" which makes the chance of buying David Beckham's nationality before 2014 all the more tempting.

154: Fare thee well, St. Vincent/Grenadines
Why They Lost: Just a step ahead of Grenada, come the Grenadines who can thank their spot to an extra draw against Belize...of course it didn't help them win the group...but isn't beating Grenada more important? (No? Oh, right...no)
Who/What We'll Miss: Yet another cool nickname for a team: "Vincy Heat"...you can almost hear LeBron James switching teams again...

153: Adios, Nicaragua
Why They Lost: Handily beat Dominica both times they played but couldn't muster much against Panama losing both of those. Clearly they should have tried to play Dominica four times...that's just bad planning.
Who/What We'll Miss: The US Men's team could have had guinea pigs, iguanas, armadillos and boas in local restaurants! Frownie face for the foodies :(

152: Doei, Suriname
Why They Lost: Despite two solid wins, Suriname allowed 11 goals and scored just 5, leaving a clear gap between themselves and the leading teams in their group.
Who/What We'll Miss: We'd say goalkeeper Ronny Aloema, but as the goal difference shows he missed enough things for all of us (Sorry, Ronny...that might have been mean...)

151: See ya, St Kitts & Nevis
Why They Lost: If any team needed to hear the Mortal Kombat "FINISH HIM", it was St. Kitts & Nevis, 1 win and 4 draws left them with just 7 points. Switching just two of those results to wins would have left them top of the table.
Who/What We'll Miss: Atiba Harris--stealthy winger and all-around MLS gun-for-hire.

150: Best wishes, Belize
Why They Lost: Belize lost when it mattered most, giving Guatemala an easy route to round 2 with 3-1 and 2-1 defeats
Who/What We'll Miss: The general blood feud between Belize (formerly British Honduras) and Honduras (formerly Regular Honduras)

149: Ayo, Curacao
Why They Lost: While they scored 15 times only just eked out a positive goal differential (playing USVI might have helped with that though)
Who/What We'll Miss: Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands knighting 9/10ths of the team...she knights pretty much everybody after all (heck, Sidney Ponson got knighted!)

I seek the futbol grail

148: Hasta la juego, Dominican Republic
Why They Lost: In all likelihood, the Dominican winter league probably had most players distracted.
Who/What We'll Miss: The Quisqueyanos have my favorite federation logo of this set of Happy Trails teams--I'm not sure why the ball is in some sort of chalice-type thing, but I like the classiness.

147: Hasta la bye bye, Puerto Rico
Why They Lost: It's very simple--if Ivan Rodriguez isn't blocking the plate or goal or whatever, Puerto Rico is not as strong as they could be.
Who/What We'll Miss: The opportunity to settle the whole Puerto Rican statehood issue by a game of football...not unlike the plot to the classic made for tv film FUTURESPORT!

146: Bye bye, Bermuda
Why They Lost: In the nip-tuck race to win Group B, Bermuda's draw to Guyana (on home turf) was the difference between finishing three points back and being on top of the group.
Who/What We'll Miss: As the last island left from that old Kokomo song, our last chance to sing chillaxed Beach Boys tunes is out the window.

145: Happy trails, Trinidad andTabago
Why They Lost: Honestly, your guess is as good as mine, T and T had a +7 goal differential, and a great start to their campaign. But the wheels came off the wagon in the final month dropping two matches to Bermuda and Guyana to open the door for Golden Jaguars to vault into the next round
Who/What We'll Miss: Stern John's swan song goes silent and the Soca Warriors last chance to relieve their glory days in Germany.

144: Au revoir, Haiti
Why They Lost: A mid-campaign swoon left Haiti needing two big results against Antigua & Barbuda to move on, while the 2-1 victory at home helped, losing 1-0 in St. John's left them one point short of the next round.
Who/What We'll Miss: Cheering on the rebuilding of Haitian pride through futbol would have made for a tremendous feel-good story, but with a scad of young talent coming into clubs in the US, UK and France, we won't miss Les Grenadires for long

CONCACAF's Minnow to Watch (Round 2)

We're a week away from the next World Cup Qualifier Match Day with action brewing in North America and Asia. Before those matches kick off we're going to try and introduce some of the unlikely squads still standing and offer our comprehensive, utterly illogical analyses of each qualifying group.

Let's start out by introducing the "Well I'll Be Damned" team in the North American 2nd Round: the US Virgin Islands (USVI for short).

How unlikely is the 2nd round berth for the "Dashing Eagles" of the USVI? Bear in mind that they only became a FIFA recognized team in 2000. Over the last decade the team's record was 1 Win, 6 Draws and 20 Losses. In June they neared a personal best in the World Rankings by getting to 193rd in the World. The area is known more for being a port for cruise ships than for having any football fortunes to speak of.

Then this happened:

After 2 wins over the British Virgin Islands and advancing on to the Second Round of the Cup competition, the USVI has leapt up to 149th in the World--in a dead heat with Madagascar. They've already gone farther than any USVI team ever has in the Cup...can the go even farther?

Honestly...Maybe. Top ranked Haiti has been in disarray of late (with good reason) and neither Antigua and Barbuda nor Curacao have a larger international legacy than the USVI does. Some of the local press have got high hopes for a third round tussle with the big bad U.S. of A, but that might be putting the cart before the horse--or in USVI terms, putting the sales before the conch shells--especially given the inexperience of the team.

Most players ply their trade in the amateur league that dots the three islands (St. Thomas, St. John and St. Croix), but a young squad has gotten better by incorporating college players into the mix including a Seton Hall Griffin, a Pitt Panther and Alberto Van Grup--a Virginia Tech Hokie. Unfortuantely, it's not clear yet whether the college boys will be able to squeeze Cup qualifiers into their course schedule...I mean, can you imagine selling that to a professor? "Yeah, I know that we have a mid-term but I have to fly to Curacao...to play soccer...please...". Not the most compelling excuse I've yet heard.

But the best player may be Reid Klopp who has made two appearances and scored two goals to boost the Dashing Eagles into the second round. He lives on the islands so no worries about his arrival, and hey...if the NBA's locked the USVI could always ask Tim Duncan to come home and use his height in a Peter Crouchian manner. (He's already got the Robot thing wired!)

But win lose or draw you've gotta root for the Dashing Eagles and the US Virgin Islands. If only because they play and pump themselves up like your local high school squad. (Seriously, hard to imagine snobby Frenchmen doing this)

So best of luck Dashing Eagles! Rise on!