Starting XI (A Month Late): Granting Montanan Passports

I know that most football fans are fixated on the current league season, and while we too are interested in the fates of the world's best footballers, we'll also take some time this year to shout out smaller regional tournaments [such as those for Central America (going on in the US right now!), the Caribbean (November in Jamaica), Southeast Asia (December in Vietnam), Asia (January in Australia), and Africa (January/February in Morocco)]

But before we do that, let's take a minute to reflect on the players at the recent World Cup who impressed us most. Players we would want for a Montanan National team--if such a thing were to exist. Players who fit the Montana model: gritty, tough, dedicated, passionate, and just a little quirky (Ronaldo's and Muller's need not apply). And since FIFA's relatively easy going about the whole "actually being a citizen" thing, we might as well shoot for the stars with our starting eleven.


Here's our guys:

I. Tim Howard--As if there could be any one else. Timmy is welcome in Montana any time, the beard, the tats, the blunt and forceful shouting...he basically is Montana any time, so sign on up Tim-bo, we'll be happy to have you.

II. Stefan De Vrij--For the sector of the state that farms and ranches (which is to say...most of it), you need to be tireless, dedicated, omnipresent. There's no off day, no vacation time. And watching the Dutch run to third place it was clear that there was no break for Stefan De Vrij. So welcome aboard Stefan, there's a nice couple acres out north of Choteau if you're interested.

III. Matt Hummels--Montana has an ample German history, strong willed immigrants who stake out the land and hold on to it, come hell or high water. Hummels would fit that mold nicely, grinding through every match, but showing enough of an offensive streak to be a little bit dangerous too. We're printing out "Private Property" signs for him to put around the 6 yard box.

AND he has the quintessential Montanan basement

IV. David Luiz--Lest you think we're all grizzled ranch hands, remember we also have Missoula...a city weird enough to make Austin jealous with none of the vainglorious self importance. David Luiz would be a perfect Missoulian representative: the hair of a hippy, the soul of a leader.

V. Mario Ypes--As long as we're tending to often ignored demographics, why not get some of Montana's quickly aging population on board? I think if we offer them a representative on the team, say, Ypes, the certified crotchety old man of Colombia, we could have a little sympathy for the squad amongst the VAs and retirement homes.

VI. Javier Mascherano--Along with Montana's age and agriculture, we have a fierce artistic streak. That's where Mascherano comes in. The soul of an artist with the body and style of a defender, he's a perfect piece of dualism within a dualized state.

VII. Bastian Schweinsteiger--This is simple: the man is talented and has a name that would be great fun to hear all my dear hoarse and disbelieving neighbors say.

Don't shush my Alps mockery!

VIII. Xerdan Shaqiri--While Montanans tend to confine their Swiss appreciation to the Miss and the Cheese (I mean...you call the "Alps" mountains...please). Shaqiri feels like a great fit for my own home town of Great Falls, a flier of sorts with a bad-boy mohawk, but enough attacking energy to keep the kids and the seniors alike well pleased.


IX. Celso Borges--Costa Rica's overlooked midfielder offers a quiet, dependable presence, with little emphasis on style and a whole lot of focus on work ethic. He actually could spend his down time baling hay or on a thresher.

Your secret's safe with us

X. Enner Valencia--Ecuador's top striker just feels right for the Montanan national team. He's not the first name you think of, he's not the most dominating or domineering figure, but he's dangerous...always dangerous.

XI. Reza Goochenhejad--In the spirit of "to each his own" Montanan individualism, and with a consideration for some fierce patriotism, we'd be happy to adopt the Gooch as our own Double agent. He already serves that purpose on the field, employing a mostly defensive mindset with splashes of daring attacks.

There you go Treasure Staters, that's my pick for the Montana National Starting 11. Would we win? No. Would we make the finals? No. Would we be bad ass? Yes...and that's all that matters.