Starting XI (A Month Late): Granting Montanan Passports

I know that most football fans are fixated on the current league season, and while we too are interested in the fates of the world's best footballers, we'll also take some time this year to shout out smaller regional tournaments [such as those for Central America (going on in the US right now!), the Caribbean (November in Jamaica), Southeast Asia (December in Vietnam), Asia (January in Australia), and Africa (January/February in Morocco)]

But before we do that, let's take a minute to reflect on the players at the recent World Cup who impressed us most. Players we would want for a Montanan National team--if such a thing were to exist. Players who fit the Montana model: gritty, tough, dedicated, passionate, and just a little quirky (Ronaldo's and Muller's need not apply). And since FIFA's relatively easy going about the whole "actually being a citizen" thing, we might as well shoot for the stars with our starting eleven.


Here's our guys:

I. Tim Howard--As if there could be any one else. Timmy is welcome in Montana any time, the beard, the tats, the blunt and forceful shouting...he basically is Montana any time, so sign on up Tim-bo, we'll be happy to have you.

II. Stefan De Vrij--For the sector of the state that farms and ranches (which is to say...most of it), you need to be tireless, dedicated, omnipresent. There's no off day, no vacation time. And watching the Dutch run to third place it was clear that there was no break for Stefan De Vrij. So welcome aboard Stefan, there's a nice couple acres out north of Choteau if you're interested.

III. Matt Hummels--Montana has an ample German history, strong willed immigrants who stake out the land and hold on to it, come hell or high water. Hummels would fit that mold nicely, grinding through every match, but showing enough of an offensive streak to be a little bit dangerous too. We're printing out "Private Property" signs for him to put around the 6 yard box.

AND he has the quintessential Montanan basement

IV. David Luiz--Lest you think we're all grizzled ranch hands, remember we also have Missoula...a city weird enough to make Austin jealous with none of the vainglorious self importance. David Luiz would be a perfect Missoulian representative: the hair of a hippy, the soul of a leader.

V. Mario Ypes--As long as we're tending to often ignored demographics, why not get some of Montana's quickly aging population on board? I think if we offer them a representative on the team, say, Ypes, the certified crotchety old man of Colombia, we could have a little sympathy for the squad amongst the VAs and retirement homes.

VI. Javier Mascherano--Along with Montana's age and agriculture, we have a fierce artistic streak. That's where Mascherano comes in. The soul of an artist with the body and style of a defender, he's a perfect piece of dualism within a dualized state.

VII. Bastian Schweinsteiger--This is simple: the man is talented and has a name that would be great fun to hear all my dear hoarse and disbelieving neighbors say.

Don't shush my Alps mockery!

VIII. Xerdan Shaqiri--While Montanans tend to confine their Swiss appreciation to the Miss and the Cheese (I mean...you call the "Alps" mountains...please). Shaqiri feels like a great fit for my own home town of Great Falls, a flier of sorts with a bad-boy mohawk, but enough attacking energy to keep the kids and the seniors alike well pleased.


IX. Celso Borges--Costa Rica's overlooked midfielder offers a quiet, dependable presence, with little emphasis on style and a whole lot of focus on work ethic. He actually could spend his down time baling hay or on a thresher.

Your secret's safe with us

X. Enner Valencia--Ecuador's top striker just feels right for the Montanan national team. He's not the first name you think of, he's not the most dominating or domineering figure, but he's dangerous...always dangerous.

XI. Reza Goochenhejad--In the spirit of "to each his own" Montanan individualism, and with a consideration for some fierce patriotism, we'd be happy to adopt the Gooch as our own Double agent. He already serves that purpose on the field, employing a mostly defensive mindset with splashes of daring attacks.

There you go Treasure Staters, that's my pick for the Montana National Starting 11. Would we win? No. Would we make the finals? No. Would we be bad ass? Yes...and that's all that matters.

Happy Trails: 16-9

16: Adios, Uruguay
Why They Lost: Generally speaking when your only real goal scorer is banned from competition for biting guys you're doomed.
What We'll Miss: Hating Uruguay (lousy cheating so and so's...)

15: O dabo, Nigeria
Why They Lost: Their low expectations were critical to helping Nigeria squeak through Group F, but they didn't have much offense if any to help them create, only Ahmed Musa looked willing to make things happen for the Super Eagles
What We'll Miss: Both Vincent Enyema's spectacular keeping and the fact that this team looked ready to distract people from the creeping cruelty of Boko Haram.

14: A Revair, Switzerland
Why They Lost: It was gouda of them to come and play, but I never really bris-lieved they would be a serious camembert...Seriously though, Switzerland was sloppy throughout the group stage, and only seemed to qualify due to Ecuador's rotten luck
What We'll Miss: Cheese jokes...my god the Cheese jokes.

13: Hasta La Vista, Mexico
Why They Lost: Pick your scape goat--Arjen Robben's floppery? The Ref's believing him? Or maybe Rafa Marquez for being chippy enough to be a dubious victim in anyway.
What We'll Miss: Miguel Herrera, please come be an AYSO coach, so you can bring your unique brand of freak-outs to us all.

12: Gim di Lehna, Algeria

Did someone say Islam Slimani?

Why They Lost: As infuriating as their defense was, Les Fennecs had a devil of a time breaking down defenses (other than Islam Slimani) someone, any kind of distributor would be valuable there.
What We'll Miss: The Fennec itself is pretty darn adorable when you get down to it, and add to that the fact that Algeria will be donating its FIFA prize money to the displaced people of Palestine and you have a pretty lovable crew

11: Totes Later, USA
Why They Lost: There's lots of things to pick out--lack of athleticism, Michael Bradley's maddeningly inconsistent play, overly defensive strategy, Jozy Altidore's injury...but I'm going to pin the blame on our inability to retain possession. You can win if you sit back and wait out  an early lead, but you can also win if you never give up the ball.

It's more fun to think about Tim Howard
than any of these other teams...

What We'll Miss: The chance to yell "TIMMY!" at inappropriate intervals.

10: Xaire, Greece
Why They Lost: Kaylor Navas shut them down in the penalty shoot out...after a tonnage of cards from the Australian referee gave them a better chance to win than they really deserved.
What We'll Miss: The butchery of Greek names and comments about how old their defense is.

9: Chao, Chile
Why They Lost: Since I've grown totally irrationally fond of him, I'll say it's because they pulled Gary Medel and didn't let him have a shot against Julio Caesar in the penalty shoot out
What We'll Miss: Being on El Rojo's bandwagon before it was cool to be on their bandwagon.

Waning Seconds: Groups E & F

Let's take a quick glimpse at exactly what must be done for teams to qualify, or, in the case of others not heading in to the last round of matches.

MORNING--
Argentina V.s. Nigeria
It's firmly established that Lionel Messi is the savior of Argentinian hopes and dreams, but you have to wonder if anyone else can do it. Argentina's booked into the next round but Nigeria isn't...if the Argentine's use the match to rest Messi and warm up his understudies for a 2nd round run, the Super Eagles could spring a surprise (or at least grab a point) and move on as well.

Iran V.s. Bosnia-Herzegovina
The Iranian dream lives on. But it all depends on how they fare against the already ousted Bosnians. Bad luck and missed calls have stymied the debutantes at the cup, but they could easily take this match and spoil the Iranians hopes and dreams...OR...Carlos Quieroz could finally find the cojones to draw up some specific plays for Reza Goochenajad and try to grab the full three points, putting pressure on Nigeria to definitely get the win (as goal differential only barely favors the Africans)

AFTERNOON--
France V.s. Ecuador
Les Blus have looked absolutely dominant for most of their tournament so far...but they are French and it could all slip away in rapid fashion of Ecuador trounces them and Switzerland trounces Honduras. That might take some doing (especially given the sputtering offenses of their rivals) but never bet against the French disaster. Ecuador likely can't be confident in just taking a point as Switzerland has looked far better than Honduras thus far, and La H is already packing it in.

Switzerland V.s. Honduras
With Honduras eliminated they can do one of two things: a) roll over and play dead letting the Swiss steamroll them and head on to the next round, or b) play the same ugly, aggressive, haphazard brand of futbol they've played before, and force the Swiss to sneak a point or two en route to making the next round. Basically, everything's coming up Swiss.

3 On/3 Off: Matches 24-26

Half-way home in the first round we've seen some surprising victories, more surprising losses and quite frankly stunning goals. But there can only be three substitutions made each match(day) so let's see who's coming on, and who's heading off.

ON: Jorge Luis Pinto--Costa Rica's coach has done a marvelous job of preparing Los Ticos to play against three of the legends of World Futbol with absolutely no fear. Three decades of coaching experience with minimal success on the world stage has all been wiped away with two thrilling matches and tremendous strategy. If you're an American, you know all about coaching darlings who take a Cinderella deep in the NCAA Tournament en route to a better job...Jorge Luis Pinto is their non-union Costa Rican equivalent.
OFF: Mario Balotelli's Love Life--The Italian striker who spends his down time collecting Panini stickers of himself, and making jokes about getting a smooch from Queen Elizabeth, seemed to have put much more preparation into those gags and not nearly as much into preparing an attack against Costa Rica. Sorry Mario, you and HRH will be a missed connection, yet again.

ON: Everything Karim Benzema Does--He's only on three goals, though he has a case for two more (the rebound off the Honduran keeper which should not be an own goal/the final whistle strike against Switzerland, since you shouldn't whistle dead a match on an attack). Even without the goals, he's been integral to making everything happen for France, the goals, the goals against, the celebrations, the crepes suzette.
OFF: Diego Benaglio--The Swiss Keeper's tepid, depressed showing was utterly exposed by France until his teammates boosted their goal differential by netting two late goals. Worse still, by getting compared constantly with Swiss Cheese, he risks single-handedly tanking the Swiss economy*.

*Note, I know that's not true...but hey, stereotypes are funny...

ON: The Other Valencia--Enner is his name and driving La Tri is his game. As Ecuador strides towards a showdown with France, their chances of a knockout round spot are in doubt, not in doubt is the media's fondness for the Ecuadorian striker who has hurdled to the top spot of teams' summer transfer must have list. A modest proposal: Valencia? He's got your name written all over him.
OFF: The Letter "H"--Honduras' nickname? "La H" A fact the Letter H can't be too happy about right now. For as many bad teams as there have been in the cup (Cameroon and Spain come to mind), Honduras is the only one that combines brutally thuggish defense, with unblinking use of handballs, with zero attacking inspiration. The longer they go, the more Sesame Street must be considering pulling the letter's cushy sponsorship deal.

The second weekend of action seems just as promising as the past week. I'll even be trying to go out and party with real live people (rather than just my pets--who appreciate the companionship but don't care much for the football).

3 On/3 Off: Matches Nine-Eleven

It was a great way to spend father's day, a bowl of Cheeto's in one hand, a Sella Artois in the other and the sight of futbol, glorious futbol on the tele. Here's the big themes from a wonderful Sunday in the Park.

ON: Swiss Grit--Record setting as it was, the stoppage time goal was a great bit of luck for Switzerland, stealing a win from the jaws of defeat, and announcing that they will not be the poster child for stupid FIFA rankings everyone assumes they will.
OFF: Ecuadorian Defense--That final goal that has the internet raving, it was definitely a stroke of skill, but also a stroke of luck that Ecuador, on missing their chance looked so lackadaisical and foolish in challenges aimed to stop the attack, but not following through with the action to actually grab the draw. They'll need a result against France for any shot at the knockout rounds, and they can't defend like that (witness what happened to Honduras).



ON: Karim Benzema--The frenchman has a legitimate case to claim a hat trick (FIFA rules would suggest that the deflection off the keeper doesn't become an own goal since it rebounded off the post). He was THE Frenchman on the pitch, and looked every bit a world beater.
OFF: Wilson Palacios--Speaking of beater's, the Honduran midfielder seems to have some sort of axe to grind with Paul Pgoba. Hacking, grabbing and finally shoving him at every opportunity. Beyond looking ugly and unsportsmanlike, it leaves him out of the next match against Ecuador, and deprives Honduras of one of their best creators.

ON: Lionel Messi--The Atomic Flea made one of the most beautiful, gif-able, twitter-breaking able runs of this or any cup. Making opponents look foolish and striking a solid goal to seal the deal for Argentina
OFF: "Lionel Messi"--The idea that Messi can do it alone seems to have slipped into everyone's head, even Messi. No doubt, his great goal was the difference, but it was only the difference because Argentina luckily evaded Bosnian threat after threat. Every member of Albiceleste's attacking squadron seemed fixated on doing it themselves, the result--60 minutes of enervating, blase futbol that should have ended far worse than it did. Come on Leo, don't try to do it all yourself.

Meet the Team: Switzerland

Nickname: With four languages squeezed into about 16,000 square miles, there's a lot of different ways to say "National Team", but we prefer Rossocratiati (The Red Crosses).

Xherdan practices his Tiger Beat face

Star: There's plenty of people talking about this world cup as a coming out party for Neymar, or the entire Belgian/Colombian teams. But Switzerland has as much young potential as anyone else, particularly starring Bayern Munich's midfield man: Xherdan Shaqiri, whose speed is vital to keep an aging defense protected.

Hip-Star: While Switzerland's youthful midfield is promising, their youthful striking corps is a little more worrying. Though he is the youngest and least capped striker on the squad, Josip Drmić is in the best form--with the third most goals in this year's Bundesliga and a spiffy new contract with Bayer Leverkusen. Plus, like his name shows, he's so over vowels.

X-Factor: The swiss were really stupid, they beat Brazil in a friendly last August. That boosted them to the top 8 of Fifa's rankings, which made them a top seed in the cup. Without that win they might have landed a more manageable group with Colombia, or Belgium and played their familiar role of spoiler. Instead they're "the team to beat" saddled with France and Ecuador in a group that's not impossible, but certainly not their ideal situation.

Omar tells me what I can do
with my questions

Coach: Omar Hitzfield is leading the Swiss Miss-ters to a second consecutive world cup, but has vowed to step down on July 1st--of course, if Switzerland makes the quarter finals, they would play after July 1st...not sure what will happen then.

History: It's been feast or famine for the army knife gang (can you tell I like making up nicknames for them?) Strong showings in the 30s and 50's presaged two decades of inadequacy and no qualification. The current group will play in their third World Cup in a row with a second round in Germany and stunning victory against Spain in South Africa to show for their troubles.

Food: Fondu is totally overkill, and while they're popular world wide, the Swiss are such an international people that I feel entitled to claim quiche and call it good.

Thanks British Press!

Fool: Did you know that Switzerland uses a council of learned elders to rule the country...no single executive but a community. It obviously works for the wealthy and stable nation (though friendly overseas banking laws help). Which means it's back to my old stand by, mock Sepp Blatter. The president of FIFA who rules with an iron grip inside a velvet glove runs the organization like his own personal fiefdom, going so far as to say last month that he would run for a fifth term despite pledging to step down after a sketchy reelection in 2011.

Best Case: The Swiss defense stands pat, the young talents prove their worth and all the criticism and complaint about their seeding is proved ill-founded as they top Group E, best the underwhelming runner-up of Group F, and push Germany all the way to penalty kicks in the Quarterfinals.

Worst Case: The defense's age is exposed and the attacker's youth is exploited, and even the steady hand of Hitzfield can't stymie faster, focused squads from France and Ecuador, with just a draw against Honduras holding them up in third place.

My prediction: While the Swiss stand out as the top-seeded team everyone loves to mock, they've been a top ten team in the world for a reason. While they may be overrated, they can definitely handle Honduras, so a strong showing against Ecuador is crucial. I think they get it and, by proxy, a spot in the Second round.

Added Bonus: Arguably the most influential song in Swiss hip-hop is "Murder By Dialect" by P-27 (f. Black Tiger), shifting from Swiss-German to English and back again is yet another sign of the Swiss cosmopolitan style.

In it But Win It? #4: TGIF!

Last night was a great night around the world. Not only because lots of people kicked off their weekend in style, but because four more teams punched their tickets to Brazil.

But now it's Saturday morning and the cartoons are loud, the heads are pounding and reality starts to set in. They may be in the world cup, but can they win it? (I have no idea...which means I'm just as qualified as anybody else to be making irresponsible predictions now! WHEE!)

Germany

Contender Credentials--Do you see the three stars on the crest? Have you seen the ruthless, calculating, machine-like efficiency with which Germany decimates its rivals? If Germany's at a World Cup, its a contender for the title. Add to that the fact that the German Bundesliga, where most of the DFB-Elf is playing, is one of the strongest leagues in the world right now and you have a team of superbly trained, superbly coached, superbly prepared athletes  who are expected to make the quarter finals at the very least.
Pretender Problems--The strength of the Bundesliga (and the fact that the other main players in die Nationalmanschafft regular rotation play for such European luminaries as Arsenal, Chelsea, Real Madrid and Lazio) means that many players are likely to be exhausted when the World Cup rolls around. Then you've got a trip to South America and all the associated headaches.
Pie-In-The-Sky Scenario: Laser-visioned dedication, hard-work and great coaching strategies from Joachim Low see Germany to the title it has just missed in '02, and '06, and 2010.
Pits-of-Despair Scenario: Some kind of Greek/Portugese/Irish/Icelandic hex dooms Germany's favorite 11 to a bottomless pit of sovereign debt and a shocking last place finish.
Prediction: I initially was going to put them as losers in the round of sixteen...but come on, this is Germany we're talking about. They'll be runners up...again...sorry Germany.

Switzerland
Contender Credentials--La Nati cruised through a not all together easy qualifying group, besting recent World Cup qualifiers Norway and Slovenia as well as daring upstart Iceland. The mix of German and Italian families in Switzerland attempts to merge to successful styles of play and has been impressive in guiding them to regular appearances including a victory over Spain in the first group stage match in South Africa. The team is familiar with each other and with coach Ottmar Hitzfeld who has been coaching the same national team for an astonishing 5 years! (Practically an eon by national team standards)
Pretender Problems--As long as Hitzfeld has been at the helm of Switzerland they've been good but not great. Fans have come to expect strong workmanlike, but not transcendent victories. In a sport that values innovation and adaptability, being comfortable with a job and a coach does not always equate to being victorious with a coach. Add to that the fact that only midfielder Xherdan Shaqiri is likely to be making a run against top European talent regularly (as a player for Bayern Munich) and the Swiss may well "miss" in Brazil.
Pie-In-The-Sky Scenario: Someone, somewhere says "I want to play like insert name of Swiss player here" and makes their hearts glow as they lose in the round of 16.
Pits-of-Despair Scenario: Uncertain and unfamiliar with each other players tepidly execute Hitzfeld's game plan, which the rest of the world already knows and Switzerland is once again just a footnote on someone else's epic ass.
Prediction: Third place in the group, but at least one Swiss child gets excited by a well struck goal.



Belgium
Contender Credentials--The hype around the Red Devils has been humming for years now. Eden Hazard's tremendous play in the Premiership will do that, but the flood of young Belgian talent in the World's top leagues has buoyed their performances and boosted the Belgians to a number six world ranking.
Pretender Problems--That flood of young talent is a double-edged sword, especially since the Belgians haven't made a World Cup since 2002 when Hazard and co. were a bunch of prepubescent daydreamers. Much as we might like to have a new power emerge, there's a reason why so few teams have won the world cup...very few know how to.
Pie-In-The-Sky Scenario: The hype is real and they soar into the finals as an unheralded wunder-team.
Pits-of-Despair Scenario: The hype is well...hype and intense marking of Hazard limits distribution and playmaking chances for others, forcing the Belgians into an embarrassing fourth place.
Prediction: Truth be told, the hype probably is a bit much, but with the tonnage of talent and a likely seeded position, they will easily be good enough for a round of 16 berth where a team that phoned it in during the group stage beats them, and starts the fears that another golden generation will go wasted.


Columbia
Contender Credentials--After a 16 year hiatus, los Cafeteros are back in business, but without the same starry-eyed hype as the Belgians (despite being ranked 1 spot higher in the world). Columbia's best performance came a little over 20 years ago when a young and impetuous team (led by my still beloved Carlos Valderamma) made a great run in Italy.
Pretender Problems--Valderamma's not on this team (which is actually probably for the best since he's now 52). The Columbian fan base has a tendancy to overreact and heap a little too much pressure on to the players (witness the epic wikipedia page and the horrible events surrounding defender Andres Escobar's assassination). It's little surprise that, like the overwrought Red Sox fans of decades gone by, the team's frequently underwhelms when they're expected to do well (both in continental and international competitions). Since they're expected to be good now...well...
Pie-In-The-Sky Scenario:  Like Uruguay in 2010, Columbia shakes up the established order of things as they rise up to the Semis while Brazil and Argentina get dumped out before hand.
Pits-of-Despair Scenario: Like Columbia in 1994, they think they can, they think they can, they think they can...and then they don't.
Prediction: Without a true leader at the front of the field, but a truly sinister back defense they'll get through the group stage but struggle in a Round of 16 exit.