Happy Trails 129-124: Exit the Hexagon...

It's not quite like losing a bout in Ultimate Fighter, but the losers we discuss here might feel just as battered, bruised and beaten. Left in the lurch by grim misfortune, they have to head back to the drawing board and dream of four years from now when they might redeem themselves.

But enough about the Republican party, let's talk about the teams that bowed out of CONCACAF Qualifying in the penultimate group stage. (You know...five months ago when I meant to publish this but apparently didn't.) Failing to make the final hexagonal hurdle is no great shame (the U.S. flirted with that possibility up until their final match), but still that means no trip to Brazil, no fame and fortune, no Vanity Fair cover shoot, just quiet preparation for going to Russia...ugh.

So let's sound a solemn samba for the departed (before starting a joyous Livenka polka for their next chance!)

129: Goodbye Guyana
Why they lost: As we outlined in the WIBD edition for the second round, the Golden Jaguars simply don't have the experience or talent on the roster to make themselves a viable contender in North America.

What we'll miss: Other than sincere satisfaction of seeing a little ol' minnow elevate themselves to the level of a regional spoiler? Just saying the nickname "Golden Jaguars" as often as possible.

128: And we'll see you soon Antigua and Barbuda

Why they lost: Like Guyana, A & B got a single point out of six matches. Facing off against recent Cup qualifiers from Jamaica and the US probably wasn't a tremendous help either.

What we'll miss: There's a serious boom of Antiguans, Barbudans and Antinguan/Barbudans popping up on the rosters of English clubs: Nottingham Forrest, Oxford United, Reading, Motherwell and Wycombe. Plus it'd be cool to see a match in the glorious Cricket Castle of Sir Vivian Richards Stadium


127: Adios Cuba

Why they lost: After FIFA set Cuba up with a bye into round three, the "Lions of the Caribbean" acted much more like pussy cats than kings of the jungle (or tropical sea...or whatever). It didn't help that their players have a nasty habit of seeking asylum whenever they get a breathe of fresh air on foreign soil.

What we'll miss: Cuban pulled pork sandwhiches...oh wait! This is America, we can get those anytime!! (Seriously though...you can't go wrong with a good [or bad] Castro joke)


126: Hasta luego El Salvador

Why they lost: Despite a rather stellar legacy as a Central American soccer state, El Salvador couldn't get over the hump of the more recent continental darlings Costa Rica or true goliath Mexico

What we'll miss: The chance for a touching homage to Forward and international team lynchpin Rudis Corrales who suffered a stroke in April 2012 and would have made for a great angle on the up-and-coming Salvadorans.


125: Farewell/Adieu Canada

Proof that Cuba's better than Canda
at pork products.

Why they lost: Finishing just a point short of both Honduras and Panama, the Canucks have to be grimacing and the lost chance to get a win at home against Honduras (a result made all the more bitter by a subsequent 8-1 drumming in San Pedro Sula).

What we'll miss: Are you serious...there aren't enough jokes about the other countries in the world COMBINED to make up for the mockery we can make of Canada! Like this one: Hey Canada is that Bacon or are you just looking at Ham through Maple Syrup goggles? [crickets chirp]


124: Ciudata Guatemala

Why they lost: Two goals. Two gol' durn goals! That's all that stood between Guatemala and a berth in the next round. If they'd just given up two fewer goals, or scored two more (or split the dang difference for all I care). A 3-1 win at home versus Jamaica? A 3-2 loss against the US? And voila...problem solved!

What we'll miss: Fun times with the Guatemalan immigrant community here in Minnesota, plus the super avant-garde federation logo which win our Happy Trails logo contest for this round.

Literature + Futbol = Nerdery Personified

Okay, so I love football, I even call it football even though my fellow Americans prefer to call that thing where you throw/carry the ball with your hands "football". But I also love books, and I love combining the two whenever possible.

With another round of World Cup matches right around the corner I thought I'd break down the favorites in the nerdiest way possible: through the odds on favorites to win the Nobel Prize in Literature (according to ladbrokes betting house...which places bets on everything from intellectual achievement to whether or not anyone ever reads this post....oooh, 9 Zillion to 1...I LIKE THOSE ODDS!!)

Rather than look at everyone on the list I'll suggest that the top 10 favorites may well inspire their teams to victories in the near future. (Even though #3 Mo Yan of China and #10 Adonis of Syria can't inspire their local sides to Cup qualification...what with those teams already losing and everything)

Does he wanna talk about Japan's
chances against France or Brazil

Most of the top 10 writers can already claim to support powerful teams. Top of the list is Haruki Murakami, he of the wild and stylistically invigorating 1Q84...though the Tengu Warriors have friendlies against titans France and Brazil but don't play another cup qualifier until November, you've got to like their odds against Oman as they look to move on to the Mundial.

Similar good fortune may be in the offing for Ladbrokes' other Goliath writers: #4 Alice Munro (Canada v. Cuba); #6 Bob Dylan...yes that Bob Dylan... (USA V. Antigua & Barbuda) #7 Cees Noteboom (Netherlands v. Andorra).  Heck, even #5 Peter Nadas, has to feel pretty good as his Hungary takes on Estonia...come on Estonia, you call that a couplet?

#8 Ngugi wa Thiong'o won't get to push the Harambee Stars through a qualifier (they wait 'til March to play top of their table Nigeria)...still! Kenya does have a friendly against South Africa next week. And if Thiong'o's got the momentum his team might upend the most recent African winner, J.M. Coetzee.

Pop-Quiz: is this Albanian author Ismail Kadare,
or Albanian captain Lorik Cana...I really don't know

And who knows what to expect when #9 Ismail Kadare of Albania has his nation face off with Iceland. Seriously, I don't know about Ismail Kadare or any players on either of those teams...I'm stumped.

But perhaps the biggest upset has already been prognosticated by looking at the 2nd favorite in the Ladbrokes odds: Irish poet William Trevor. Does this mean that the Irish will spring an upset on Germany in Dublin this Friday? (Especially since the Germans don't have anybody on Ladbrokes list?) Probably not...but hey! If I can't make wild conjectures here, where can I make them? Put it down! Ireland over Gemrany this Friday.

Blame it on the Grey

Perhaps most importantly...Ladbrokes longest of longshots this year is Fifty Shades of Grey author EL James whose English heritage may destroy the Three Lions if she wins and thereby uses up all their momentum against San Marino...yes. I hereby proclaim that if EL James wins the Nobel Prize in Literature (against 500/1 odds), then San Marino should definitely take the win against England (they're currently 400/1 according to Ladbrokes).

GO SAN MARINO!!

Analysis our Way

The next round of qualifying has kicked off, home-and-away matches that will set the Caribbean and Asia alight with furious competition. While these matches may turn into do or die affairs for the players and supporters, we have the liberty of remaining aloof, objective, and totally uninformed.

In that spirit here are our previews of the next round of Asian and North American qualifying rounds: group by group, with special insight from our fellow Hooligans--Edemame Pajyamas and Celestial Aly

Don't fight it...she always wins

AFC

Group A What a special group. You've got a plucky underdog in Iraq, a hulking Goliath in China, a cast of diverse, quirky characters from Singapore and a mysterious unknown in Jordan. Given all those story lines to make movies out of, you have to think that the powers that be in Hollywood would love to see the Iraqis come through with China...if only for the chance to make a sequel. I'm sure there's a part in there for Zoe Saldana (eager, interpid reporter, maybe?) and whatever Zoe Saldana wants, Zoe Saldana gets.

Group B While we've already discussed Lebanon's chances, it should be noted that South Korea's track record, top flight talent and willingness to set themselves on fire for victory make them the odds on favorite to win the group. Second place should be a toss up between Kuwait and the United Arab Emirates: since their nicknames are the white and the blue we fully expect that Parisian fashion designers will let us know which one is in and which is out this season.

Group C Kim Jong-Il's son--Kim Jong-Un--can firmly establish his power base if he oversees his team's ascendency to the next round of the World Cup. The best strategy to do that would be to kidnapped and indoctrinate the Japanese and Uzbeki players who visit Pyongyang for matches in the country. So if something that unlikely happens (and hey, it's North Korea, so it might!) then it'll be North Korea and Tajikistan (by default, natch.)

Group D Sure the Saudi's and the Aussies are the top teams in the group, sure they've got a bundle of World Cup appearances between them, sure they are the most likely teams to win the group...but I don't own one of their jerseys. Buoyed by my support Thailand should slip in to the next round in group two...if only because they risk incurring my wrath if they do not.

Group E A hard group to handicap. Iran has a dangerous attacking squad but might be past it's prime. Rising young powers Bahrain has made great strides recently in suppressing the opposition (through force if need be) and you should never underestimate Qatar's resources and determination to prove themselves. And hey! I just realized that my analysis of each nation's questionable governmental structures could also be applied to their football...how about that!

CONCACAF

Group A Just look at the Dominican's line-up. Manny Ramirez, Albert Pujols, evenan aging Pedro Martinez is better than anybody that Suriname, the Cayman Islands or El Salvador could scrounge up...oh, wait a second...I got confused about which sport I was writing about...uhh...let's just say El Salvador.

Now this is a line-up that could
get all the way to Brazil!

Group B There's not a lot of soccer power in Guyana or Bermuda, but Barbados could have a great chance...if they could pull the trident off of the flag and use it to impale the opposition. Other than that there's nobody to touch Trinidad or Tobago (and with their powers combined...well, they're not quite Captain Planet...but they're close)

Group C With the Bahamanians already picking up their ball and going home, there are only three teams left to fight. It will be the first group decided, the first one that sends someone on to the next round, so let's just go ahead and say the first team listed alphabetically wins, congratulations Dominica!!

Group D Canadian's are already excited about their chances to get through--and who could blame them? On top of their talent, Canadian fans are prone to throwing things on rinks and fields of every size and shape--it's doubtful that their only real challenge (St. Kitts & Nevis) are going to know what to do when octopi, hats or maple syrup rains down on them.

Hipster Zombies prefer their brains
at gastropubs with chipotle aioli

Group E Group E is brought to you by the letter G as Grenada, Guatemala and Grenadines(/St. Vincent). For that reason (and no other) Belize wins the group.

Group F I've written before about the US Virgin Islands having as much chance as anybody in a wildly unpredictable group. But, even with all their struggles, the smart money still has to be on Haiti. They gave us the modern form of Zombies, now they can unleash a 21st century strain of zombie (hipsters oversaturated on zombie memes)