Happy Trails in 2016: (142-116) One Shining Moment

The following is as close as we really come to an In Memorium tribute for World Cup competitors. After all, while "One Shining Moment" Montages love to end with a a thrilling buzzer beater and confetti explosion, they just don't pop without a crying flutist or two.

Here now are the World Cup corollaries to said sad flautists.

142 'Ilaa Liqaaa, Kuwait 2014 Finish: #132 (-10)

Why they lost: While they were riding high in second place of their group last October, Kuwait's government (read: the royal family) got involved in the FA again. (Exactly what they did is unclear, as every press release and wire report uses vague generalities to excuse the actions.) So, for the third time in 10 years, Kuwait was disqualified from all tournaments and competitions they were entered in. (Oddly almost held on to their runner-up status, a Lebanon draw on the final match day, just barely knocking them back into third).

What we'll miss: The excitement of dream casting the HBO Mini-series/Movie about the Kuwaiti FA offices. Please let this be an excuse to cast Shah Rukh Khan....PLEASE!

141 Long Jay Gay, Bhutan: 2014 Finish #205 (+64)

Why they lost: The Thunder Dragons may have had their heads turned a bit by all the positive press coverage. But that kind of coverage will come your way if you win your first games ever in FIFA qualifications (even if they're won against Sri Lanka). After the BBC, ESPN and all manner of mainstream (and more obscure) media gush over them, it's hard not to be excited.

What we'll miss: Changlimath Stadium. I mean...we'll see it again at the 2046 World Cup when 80% of the Earth is under rising sea levels and all tournaments are hosted by mountain ranges. But who knows how often we'll connect again before that?

140 Lia Suhn Hao-y, Cambodia: 2014 Finish #199 (+59)

Why they lost: The Angkor Warriors have made some serious strides since we last saw them get dummped out of the competition by Laos four years ago. Still, a porous defense ceding 27 goals nearly half of which came in two ties against Syria, is hard to over come.

What we'll miss: The seven way Phenom Penh Derby is practically a league unto itself, but while that particular drama mostly plays out in the streets of the capital, the music of Cambodian-style Pop band Dengue Fever, is for everyone!

139 Jaigen, Chinese Taipei: 2014 Finish #197 (+58)

Why they lost: Taipei, or as it's better known from the labels on your shirts/your kids toys "Taiwan" took another step this round. Moving in to the second round after beating Brunei. However, and to state the obvious, second round teams were better than Brunei, and despite scoring several goals on the road, a drought at home left them unable to capitalize on any kind of home field advantage.

What we'll miss: We're not China-phobes or anything, but c'mon, a little pro-democracy tweaking of President Xi Jingping, is always a plus in our books.

Carter/Sohel...similar positions

138 Bhalo Thakben, Bangladesh: 2014 #180 (+42)

Why they lost: The final 590 minutes of Bangladesh's qualifying run passed in an offensive malaise that left even Jimmy Carter speechless (YEAH! obscure Carter Joke!). Ultimately falling: five-nil; four-nil; two-nil; five-nil; four-nil; and eight-nil to a Jordan crew that clearly missed the memo about goals against the worst team in your group not counting. In retrospect giving six out of seven games to keepers younger than 25 might have given experience, if not confidence to the young team.

What we'll miss: First choice goalkeeper Shahidul Yousuf Alam Sohel. Not because he was incredible, but because we expect he'll be going into witness relocation programs.

137 Hau ba lai, Timor-Leste: 2014 Finish #203 (+66)

Why they lost: When the Little Samba Island was going well, they were really going well. A famous draw in Kuala Lumpur and a draw at home against Palestine was a vast improvement on the last cup. Even narrow defeats at home to Malaysia and UAE were things to take pride in. But when they went wrong, they really went wrong, with a 10-0 drubbing AT HOME to Saudi Arabia the final straw.

What we'll miss: Samba-offs in place of penalty shoot outs. Honestly, it seems about as fair, and possibly more dramatic (especially if we're dealing with Russian judges). 

136 Ila Al-Liqa, Yemen: 2014 Finish #179 (+43)

Al-Sarori celebrates, that much closer
to a college mixer!

Why they lost: The Red of Yemen didn't have much offense, and when both of their goals at this stage came from 40 minutes from substitute striker Ahmed Al-Sarori. To be fair he's only 17, and better still, he's only 17.

What we'll miss: With the rise of Al-Sarori, we may just be missing the final bottoming out of Yemen. 14 years ago they were dangerous, now they're increasingly an afterthought. Easier to miss the trough than the peak.

135 Phir Milenge, India: 2014 Finish #183 (+48)

Why they lost: India's biggest sports juggernaut: T20 Cricket. Great for a cricket-crazed country and people who love instant offense. Lousy for a minor soccer bubble and anyone who likes a good tea interval. (Sidebar: India also holds a unique distinction, the first team I've ever seen who had to forfeit a game 3-0 after losing it in real time...3-0)

What we'll miss: The probable swan song for Captain and 50 goal legend of the Blue Tigers: Sunil Chettri. Cricket players get half-centuries all the time, Chettri (31) may not be around long enough to add to his tally in another Cup Qualifier.

134 Selamat Tinggal, Malaysia: 2014 Finish #182 (+48)

Really hope they're debating whether
they like "Comet" or "Weeping Willows"
better.

Why they lost: If your country gets shellacked 10-0, you're pretty much cooked in World Cup qualifying. If your country gets shellacked 10-0, you're probably going to be pretty upset with how your team and Federation are working. If you get shellacked 10-0, you might be tempted to show how upset you are at the next home match. However, if you get shellacked 10-0, then show your displeasure by throwing flares and smoke bombs on the pitch while your crew looks for a late equalizer against the best team in the group....well...you're not helping much.

What we'll miss: A far more angsty counterpoint to the most frustrated American ultras.

133 Sok Dee Der, Laos: 2014 Finish #191 (+58)

Why they lost: Laos saved their three goal outburst for a game that did not occur, winning by forfeit over Kuwait...and yet Kuwait still managed to finish six points clear of Tim Xad.

What we'll miss: The statute of limitations running out on the "New Laos National Stadium", constructed in 2009. I never thought I'd see the need for naming rights so clearly. Speaking of...any one want to go in on the naming rights for Laos' National Stadium with me?

132 To Bozdid, Tajikistan: 2014 Finish #186 (+54)

Why they lost: Squished amongst other former Soviet states, Tajikstan has the smallest landmass, relatively minor economic advantages, and a beloved leader/despot who has ruled for 22 years. I'm not saying they're a little disadvantaged in investments in youth soccer, but I'm guessing other things come before set-piece training.

What we'll miss: Despite a clear decline in their form from the last cycle, the Persian Lions have invested heavily in youth development, going so far as to make their U-19 side double up as a club team in their top division. On top of all this, they're making the team the focal point of their the only HD network in Tajikistan, so what I'll really miss is discovering exactly what passes for a "Hot Take" in Tajik color commentary.

131 Dhanee, Maldives: 2014 Finish #187 (+56)

Watch the sunset, or the news....
No brianer in the Maldives

Why they lost: Ahhh, Maldives, pretty enough to be my retirement home, tumultuous enough to be my nightmare. (Seriously, I know I just did a little mini-poli-sci rant about Tajikistan, but the Maldives makes that mess look as controversial as a Rick Santorum sweater vest.) There's a former president in jail for terrorism, a former vice president under arrest for plotting the assassination of his OWN president, and a growing hunger for the authoritarian, China-cuddling, radical-Islam preaching, son-of-a-former-dictator current president to lead the way. With all this unrest it was nice to have Bhutan to beat up on.

What we'll miss: Ali Ashfaq. Now, as he was before, the most interesting striker in Southeast Asia. And possibly, the most trustworthy public persona in the Maldives. 

130 Adios Esta, Guam; 2014 Finish 207 (+ 77)

Why they lost: Like Bhutan, Guam didn't even enter last cycle's tournament. Unlike Bhutan, Guam won a game in this round. They actually won two! And won a draw against Oman to be well positioned for advancement half-way through the round. Then the wheels came off the wagon, right around the time they went on the road.  Dropping their final four matches without scoring a goal (notably, talisman/LA Galaxy player AJ DeLaGarza did not travel for those games).

What we'll miss: Having a little slice of America kick butt in a totally different confederation: USA! USA! USA!

129 Tam Biet,  Vietnam: 2014 Finish 181 (+52)

Why they lost: If you ask the Vietnamese board, it probably has something to do with former coach Toshiya Miura's poor player development. Despite a solid 24 points out of 14 matches under Miura, and a better record with the U-23's, the board canned Miura after getting bounced out of the U-23 championships in January of this year. To be fair, under coach Nguyen Hu Thang, the first local manager to cover a Cup qualifier in over a decade, they did record a thumping 4-1 win over Taipei, and a narrow 1-0 loss away to Iraq.

Nguyen Van Toan...Nào Loons!!

What we'll miss: Scouting opportunities. (Under the theory that Vietnam has a clearer development system than Laos, I thought my local club side--Minnesota United--could consider taking on players who appeal to a large segment of the local fan base.) Two of the most promising candidates: Luong Xuan Truong and Do Duy Manh have already been poached by the J-League and the K-League respectively, but their fellow Academy member Nguyen Van Toan has also been called up...I'm just saying...

128 Thwa Dau Me, Myanmar: 2014 Finish 184 (+56)

Why they lost: Four years ago, we pinned their defeat on that all encompassing of villains, the military junta. This time, it's a little more logical: deprived of all home matches (see the in-match violence that contributed to their elimination last time round), it was vital to gather up as many road points as possible. But a late goal in Lebanon and a fail to scramble home a winner in Laos left them in fourth rather than second.

What we'll miss: Awkward photo ops for Aun San Suu Kyi. Nobel Peace Prize Winner, Parlimentarian, "State Counselor"/Power-Behind-the-Throne in Myanmar's politics, and burgeoning football fan!

127 Khuda Hafez, Afghanistan: 2014 Finish #200 (+73)

Why they lost: Still young, still growing, still optimistic, Afghanistan notched their first point ever in World Cup Qualifying. In fact they notched 9 points in 8 games, both massive improvements for the team. The downside is that the points all came against fellow lower tier squads like Cambodia and Singapore while juggernaut South Korea (and shocking story Syria) ran roughshod over them. 

What we'll miss: With players bringing their training from refugee locales around the world, the mixing of Afghanistan's Swedish, German, Dutch, and American roots makes them a veritable stew...or since we're talking about Afghanistan...a Chalau for the masses.

The fall of Bahrain is, indeed,
a head scratcher.

126 Allah Yisallimak, Bahrain: 2014 Finish #130 (+4)

Why they lost: With so many other rounds of qualifying knocked off before Asia wrapped up, it looks like Bahrain got a little better...but don't be fooled, this is a sharp decline from a team that twice in the last decade, was one match away from a World Cup debut. Maybe their golden generation has rusted, maybe they're despondent that Sheikh Salman wasn't elected as president, or maybe they're the poster children for how oodles of FIFA money can't buy you a trip to the big show.

What we'll miss: Poking fun at Sheikh Salman, I mean...c'mon, he was nearly the most powerful man in football AND a Human Rights abuser! Such a better villain than another bald European linked to offshore bank accounts again...c'mon let's not totally buy into cliches, people!!

125 Paalam, Phillipines: 2014 Finish #185 (+60)

Why they lost: I was rather bullish on The Azkals/Street Dogs at the start of this round, but they whimpered on the way to the finish line through a stunning 1-0 loss at home to bottom of the heap Yemen. 

What we'll miss: The logo that appears on most national team broadcasts: that's a dog that looks like it would even take a bite out of Manny Pacquiao!

124 Smell Ya Later, Singapore: 2014 Finish #138 (+14)

Why they lost: At the end of the day, second place Syria was simply better than Singapore. Big defeats home and away broke up a promising opening half of the campaign, and punctuated a miserable final three defeats in a row.

What we'll miss: I would say the by now psychic team chemistry between 120+ cap duo Baihakki Khaizan and Shahril Izak, but as they both play for the Malaysia's favorite B Team (Johor Da'Rul Tazim) they're nearly inescapable. So I'll just say the dream of covering a game in Singapore and writing off drinks at the Raffles bar as a business expense.

123 'Illa-liqaa, Lebanon: 2014 Finish #95 (-28)

Coming soon to a box near Beriut

Why they lost: As their greatest offensive outburst (a seven goal thumping of Laos) Lebanon can thrive when playing in from the wings, but their inability to repeat that feat against non-Laotian sides like Kuwait and South Korea tamped down their goal difference and stopped them from making their second straight trip to the last round of qualification.

What we'll miss: A host of young debutantes have a chance to make a real impact on the Cedars in years to come. Most notable FSV Mainz's goal keeper in waiting: Daniel Zeaiter.

122 Ila Al-Liqa, Palestine: 2014 Finish #178 (+56)

Why they lost: Palestine needs a much wider pipeline into the burgeoning world of Chilean/Palestinian prospects. The path blazed by defender Alexis Norambuena has now led to Yashir Pinto, who netted two goals in his first ever national cap.

What we'll miss: Any chance to see more matches in the Palestinian territory. After all, if they can host a match in Jerusalem or Hebron, it's because they have a safe environment for foreign teams, referees, journalists and observers. And the more safety there is in Palestine, the better for everyone.

121 Sag Bolun, Turkmenistan: 2014 Finish #177 (+56)

So Excited, But we Can Actually Hide It.

Why they lost: Turkmenistan was at their best at their home stadium in Ashgabat, City of White Marble and gargantuan golden statues of former President for Life Saparmurat Niyazov (who may also have named himself President of the After-Life, reports are vague). Had they been able to take all that white marble with them to Tehran, Oman or Guam, they might not have lost those matches.

What we'll miss: Following up a match in Turkmenistan with that most exciting of Turkemn activities: Bumper Cars

120 Jakshy Kalyngydzar, Kyrgyzstan.  2014 Finish: 188 (+68)

Why they lost: As we all know, as FC Dordoi goes, so goes the Kyrgyz national team....okay, maybe we don't all know that. The Yellow Blue of FC Dordoi Bishkek have put 19 players on the national team in the last year alone. But while that unity often pays off for national teams with cohesive squad mentalities (see Spain), Dordoi's struggles against reigning champions Aly Osh may have affected their confidence.

What we'll miss: Kyrgyzstan is a 30 point Scrabble word...if only they allowed Proper Nouns! 

119 Allah yisallimak, Oman. 2014 Finish #92 (-27)

All for Al-Habsi

Why they lost: Oman seems to be that perpetual bridesmaid of Asian soccer. Always on the cusp of breaking through, never actually doing it. It may have become part of their whole identity, like the Cubs or the Clippers. They've even begun to shuffle blithely to their doom in smaller contests like the Gulf Cup of Nations. Oman needs a win, a convincing, commanding triumph to get back on track. Perhaps they could host Andorra?

What we'll miss: If Daniel Zeaiter is the future of Goalkeeping, let's take a moment to tip our cap to the past in Ali Al-Habsi whose 118 national team appearances (and track record in the Premiership) have set a lofty standard for his heirs to the gloves in Oman.

118 Jongin, Hong Kong: 2014 Finish: #189 (+71)

Why they lost: In the NCAA tournament field they talk about "signature wins", impressive wins against vaunted opponents. Hong Kong needed one of those. Two scoreless draws against mainland rivals (both athletically as well as socially and politically: China. Against a backdrop of the umbrella revolution and perpetual soft power exertion by Xi Jingping, Hong Kong would have thrilled to beat their overlords opponents, or at least settled for eliminating them from the competition. (Poor perfromances by our next two eliminated squads couldn't even give them that small solace)

What we'll miss: Triumphs for democracy.

117 Annyong hi-Kashipishio, North Korea. 2014 Finish: #133 (+16)

Starting at every position soon....

Why they lost: There's a little bit of pressure on the Thousand Mile Horse (Chollima in Korean). Failure may be met with torture or public shaming. So with victory with less than 10 minutes to see out a victory that would move them on to the final round of qualifying, it is entirely plausible that the pressure got to them in Manila: ceding two late goals and beginning the long, slow march back to Pyongyang.

What we'll miss: Pak Kwang-ryong. The lone North Korean to play in Europe (in the Swiss League)...but I've also struggled to identify where he's playing at present. If you google yourself Kwang-ryong: STOP READING. Run, Run, RUN NOW.

116 Salaam, Jordan. 2014 Finish: #34 (-82)

Why they lost: The Chivalrous had a difficult time putting the ball through in the final third. Take away their shellackings of Bangladesh and their 21 goal outburst shrinks to 9. Part of that may come from the revolving door in the manager's seat since their inter-confederation playoff three years ago. Six coaches including two non-consecutive terms for local Ahmed Abdel-Qader, two ill-fated brits and one hapless Belgian have left a once promising squad adrift and listless.

What we'll miss: The vanishing Jordanian strike force of Abdallah Deeb (pushed back to the midfield) and Mossab al-Laham (uncalled for a year, and stalled out on the club side).

FIFA Election 2016: Lose but Don't Choose

Just when you think you've done the unthinkable and escaped the endless talking points and countdown clocks around the American Presidential Primaries, I'm here to batter you with news of another election!

Don't worry, this one isn't about who gets access to nuclear launch codes, or the power to appoint a generation of jurists. It's actually about important things: World Football. Specifically the election of a new FIFA president (unless Sepp Blatter seizes power through some kind of bureaucratic coup, rising up with umpteen forms in triplicate and pockets stuffed with Swiss Francs).

Unfortunately, we have absolutely no way to influence the vote. No fan does. No FA has polled their populace. No debate was held (though one was hilariously/feebly scheduled). No candidate is glad handing or meeting regularly with the press, players or supporters who make the beautiful game so beautiful.

So perhaps it's fair to ask "why should we care about which over-indulged bureaucrat gets to over-indulge until they die or an Attorney General arrests them?" It's a fair question, but here's the fair answer: even the court jester had to know who was king. 

Much as we mock the misanthropes in Zurich, we are beholden to them for the national games, for the global pride, for the international joy of watching and wallowing in athletic artistry. We're stuck with them, and even if they don't care about us, what they choose to do will effect the games we see across America in the future.

Candidates in the light from Left to Right:
Sexwale, Salman, Champagne, (Blatter & Platini), Infantino, Ali

Using, The Sporting Intelligence's insightful and brutally direct break down, I highlighted a few key parts of each candidates platform. Almost every candidate has known enough to make approving noises about big transparency issues, and pledges for reform, but so did Uncle Sepp, and while those things matter, we may not see the truth of such "reforms" for another 20 years or so. For the here and now, local fans will most notice if the next president works to: 

• improve minor associations (which would expand the talent pool for US Club teams and support greater parity on the world stage);
• expand the World Cup (from 32-40 as per Michael Platini's proposal); 
• invest in grassroots and women's football; tackling social ills (i.e. doping, racism, child trafficking from the third world under the guise of "club scouts"); 
• include geo-political requirements on World Cup hosts (which would ideally save fans from the queasy feelings instilled by bully candidates like Russia and Qatar); 
• and increase technology in the game (the one thing everyone has claimed they will do).

So where do they stand and who would win a local-fan primary? Let's look at the candidates, their life stories, their effect on local fans, their chances, and who their best presidential campaign corollary is (apologies to ardent Republicans who would rather not see their favorite candidates connected to the mess of FIFA. I'm not implying any judgement, it was just easier to draw from a big pool)

The Guy who Doesn't Know When to Quit: Prince Ali Bin Hussein

Who He Is: A member of the Jordanian royal family and runner-up to Sepp Blatter in the last election (in May of 2015). Prior to that he founded a regional organization for football in the Middle East, was a FIFA VP for Asia and a staunch advocate for allowing the hijab in Women's football. He's also kind of the rock and roll candidate, turning up to Arsenal games, showing up for just about every public event, showing his family man status, etc.

Who He Is Not: A humble street urchin posing as Prince Ali Ababwa...that would be ridiculous!

How He Would Effect Mid-American Fans: Hussein is in favor of continuing many of the growth oriented practices of FIFA's recent past (more technology, cracking down on racism, supporting small member associations, growing grassroots/women's game). But he differs in two key details: he would alter requirements for World Cup Hosts (incorporating human rights issues--after 2022--and looking for ways to decrease cost burdens on hosts), and he's mostly focused on giving money to smaller countries rather than growing membership or reforming local FAs. 

What are His Chances? Fading fast. Ali was the only other option 9 months ago, and had the backing of the Europeans furious with Blatter. But with two European candidates this time around, his support base has dried up faster than an Agrabah oasis.

Which US Candidate does He Resemble? Mike Huckabee/Chris Christie. Cool enough to be intriguing, but not to actually win anymore.

The Man Out of Time: Jerome Champagne

Who He Is: A French diplomat who segued into football management during the 1998 World Cup. After 11 years near the center of the football decision makers, Champagne took to bopping around the globe consulting smaller federations on ground level improvements (most notably in Palestine). He didn't get the nominations needed to run in 2015, but is back again and still bucking for the presidency.

How He Would Effect Mid-American Fans: Like Prince Ali, Champagne is one of the most vocal reform candidates. But he would take a more active role in addressing the minor associations (as a consultant for minnows, that makes sense): building pitches, pushing an on-line management training class, adding a voice for players in FIFA, getting boots on the ground in burgeoning markets (China/India/Indonesia) and explicitly campaigning to add Kosovo and more Oceanic nations.

What are His Chances? Not good. As relevant, viable, and progress-driven as he may seem in the eyes of fans and the press, he's not terribly relevant to the powers that be in FIFA-land, being dismissed by some as "the minutes taker". 

Which US Candidate does He Resemble? John Kasich. Obviously capable, but oblivious to the tides of voters and the times.

Infantino (w/ball) and his homies

The Rock Star: Gianni Infantino

Who He Is: A Swiss sports management official, given the defacto backing of European confederations when Michael Platini was banned in the fall. He's been around the ever increasing popularity of European football, and enjoys the support of lots of players also connected to UEFA management.

How He Would Effect Mid-American Fans: Unclear. Infantino is long on popularity and short on specific suggestions for improvement. Of the five topics I identified as relevant, he hasn't take a definitive stand on any of them (not even curbing racism, which...COME ON MAN!). He has said in the past that he backs World Cup expansion, and he wants to start his presidency with a football game at FIFA with some favorite old stars, which would be fun.

What are His Chances? Great! Most of Europe and South America have pledged their support, and with a platform that's long on vagaries and short on specifics, the old hands in Zurich will feel quite comfortable with him.

Which US Candidate does He Resemble? A hybrid of Jeb Bush's establishment credentials and Donald Trump's blanket pronouncements/celebrity pals.

The One with a Die-Hard Fan Base: Sheikh Salman

Who He Is: A member of the Bahraini royal family, Salman Bin Ibrahim al-Khalifa, has a degree in English literature, but rather than racking up debt (or just wasting royal family money) on a graduate degree, he got involved in football, first as president of the Bahrain FA (just as the team's golden generation finished painfully short of the World Cup in 2006 and 2010), and now as President of the Asian Federation. He also has been linked to the imprisonment and torture of Bahraini athletes who took part in pro-democracy protests during the Arab spring.

How He Would Effect Mid-American Fans: The Sheikh wants more money to small federations (his own has gotten the most over the last decade), and he has made appropriate mutterings about the social issues everyone cares about...or says they care about anyway. Racism = Bad. Mission accomplished. Hope you're happy everybody. But generally he wants to be hands off and let the game be the game. So if you're cool with how the most powerful clubs and countries have been doing things lately, get comfy.

What are His Chances? Pretty strong. Many FIFA watchers have suggested a potential backdoor deal between Infantino and Sheikh Salman where the president isn't white, and nothing really changes either. 

Which US Candidate does He Resemble? Ted Cruz. All the promise that makes his supporters happy, all the baggage that makes others wince.

The Zombie Campaign: Tokyo Sexwale

Who He Is: A former dissident and prisoner in Robben Island alongside Nelson Mandela. But rather than becoming a beacon for hope and democracy around the world, he followed up a brief political career by making gobs of money in mining, starting the "Say No to Racism" campaign, and becoming Franz Beckenbauer's BFF.

How He Would Effect Mid-American Fans: Sexwale is in favor of EVERYTHING! More associations! More grassroots promotions of pitches in the developing world! More money to the poor! More teams in the World Cup! More Women (presumably playing football)! More doping!...Wait...I mean, more stopping of doping! All he doesn't explicitly want is vetting of World Cup hosts, so get ready for Venezuela 2026!

What are His Chances? Bizarrely worse than the other "reformers". As a new face, a rich backstory, and a person from the underrepresented constituencies in FIFA, many tipped Sexwale (Seck-wall-ee, not Sex-whale) as a putative early favorite. But after making a big bang on his entrance, he's fizzled. His website is down, his twitter is dormant, his campaigning looks meek next to Ali and Champagne, and he has no confirmed voters (heck, even the mild mannered Champagne has Guinea-Bissau).

Which US Candidate does He Resemble? Ben Carson, but without the narcolepsy.

So, it's pretty clear that, barring some bizarre turn of events, it will be either Sheikh Salman or Gianni Infantino. But in a more democratic world, where the whole world actually had a voice, who would get your vote? 

What to Watch for Worldwide in 2016

We spent the last few days reflecting on the teams that have bowed out of the next round of the world Cup in 2015. Now it's time to look ahead to the 2016 International Soccer Calendar and ponder what, if anything, matters to the average Upper-Midwest-Mountain-Time-Zone-Type Soccer Fan.

January 3rd: SAFF Championship--India
Forget your podunk Tax Slayer and Alamo Bowls, the first real hardware on the line this year will be awarded when India and Afghanistan meet in Kerala this Sunday. The Afghans have long dominated the subcontinent but are about to defect to a different subregion, meaning that India will soon be the lone giant in their area (as usual). The Blue Tigers have already been mathematically eliminated from the world cup qualifiers with two games to go, but they play throwback American footy. As in: a throw back to those late 80 days when 90% stadium seats were empty and even the best players were tentative. Ahhh memories. (You can watch the live stream here at 7 AM local time Sunday, but be warned there are no announcers, but feel free to invent your own.)


January 11th: Ballon d'Or Awards
AKA Lionel Messi wracks his brain to think of someone he hasn't yet thanked in an acceptance speech.

Uhh...my great-great-great grandma I guess?

January 12th-30th: Asian Olympic Qualifying/U-23 Championship
It will be interesting to see who makes it to the Olympics (I'm still riding the Thai War Elephants bandwagon), but what really matters is our sense of progress and organization in Qatar who hosts the tournament. Sure it's still 6 years off, and they've hosted an Asian Cup with more spectators and journalists, but the closer we get to 2022 the more we want to see wrinkles ironed out.

February 7th: African Nations Championship
You might be thinking...didn't Africa just play a championship last year? Yes they did, but this time they take only players based on the continent into their national teams, giving a slightly trickier job to the coaches involved. Unfortunately the late timing means that if someone has a great tournament they have to wait five long (injury-prone) months before they can become a transfer target again. But, as an added bonus, you can brag at that evening's Super Bowl party that you won the Office ANC Pool. ("What's that?" you can continue "your office doesn't have a pool for the African Nations Championship final? Well...I suppose we're just more worldly over where I work"--and that's how you win Hipster of the Year with 10 months to spare)

February 26th: FIFA's Extraordinary Congress
Sadly, it's not a congress made up of FA directors who are also steam punk superheroes. It's a bunch of officials running to replace Sepp Blatter as most derided and loathed man in the world. There's a full month plus of campaigning, including the possibility of a live ESPN debate around the world on January 29th so we can get more into the who, what and why and if you want logical, intelligent coverage rather than my style of mockery and pop culture allusions, Sporting Intelligence has just about everything you need to know to make an informed decision about who you would least dislike winning an election you can't vote in.

Be prepared to loathe one of these men for the rest of their professional lives!

March 15th & 16th: FIFA Meetings on Development and Cup Organization
AKA Shoot, people are watching us now...how do we "develop" our bank accounts like this?

March 21st-29th: International Break #1
The biggest piece in this session will be Asia's final round of second round matches, with a number of spots in the final round still up for grabs. The great stories of Bhutan and Guam have reached their disappointing endings, but there's still hope for Cinderella story runs for Thailand (coming of a trophy win last year), Hong Kong (who could qualify off the back of China) and Syria (who...holy hell what would their progression mean?).

May 12th-15th: FIFA Congress in Mexico City
The new president will have the eyes of the world on him as he announces a host of minor bureaucratic "reforms" that will either continue the devolution of power to an international base or set billionaire European club owners toes a-curling.

May 15-29th: COSAFA Cup--Windohek, Namibia
Bafana Bafana remains the dominant force in the region, but shockingly trail Zimbabwe and Zambia in total titles. With Zambia a dark horse for Wold Cup qualifying and Botswana and Angola riding a youth wave, there are some interesting story lines to watch before most teams settle in for three years of waiting for the 2022 qualifiers.

May 28-June 11: OFC Nations Cup/2nd Round Qualifiers

AKA New Zealand enjoys some lovely beach weather in Papua New Guinea and wonders how it can join the Asian Federation.

C'mon All Whites, look at this view

June 3-26: Copa America Centenario--USA
Ahh, the tournament that gave Attorney General Loretta Lynch the opening needed to whomp FIFA on the head with the reform stick (thanks Traffic Sports Marketing!!) For those who are still keen on seeing great international soccer (assuming it rises above the stink of bribery that it was built on) it's only 5 hours to Chicago which will host three first round games (including one US Men's National Team and one Argentine game) as well as a semi-final.

June 10-July 10: Euro 2016--France
The big tournament of the summer will offer answers to a few big questions: is Germany unbeatable? Can Spain and Italy bounce back? Are France and Belgium ready to join the short list of title contenders? Dare we dream of Irish, Welsh or Icelandic qualification? Who is destined to make Euro pundits giggle like star-struck teens before turning in a wildly disappointing next season and disappearing off the face of the sporting earth? Ohh, Euro season, how I tolerate you.

June 24: CAF 3rd Round Qualifying draw
While some strong teams still look indomitable (Ivory Coast, Algeria, Ghana) we've reached that stage of African development where often overlooked squads are on the rise (Cape Verde Islands and Congo), while older squads have faded just enough to create groups of deaths (Egypt and Nigeria). We'll have to wait and see how the groups shake out, but there's a good chance that three more spots will be in the balance.

Alright! More Cartoon Sports Enthusiasts

August 3-20: Olympic Tournament--Rio de Janeiro
Hey! A soccer tournament in Brazil! Move over pigeons of Manaus, we need that stadium again...for a couple of hours anyway. Seriously, the U-23 teams coming in from around the world should give a sense of which county's development programs may be bearing fruit in two years time (Denmark, Sweden, Honduras, South Africa, maybe just maybe the US--if they can beat Columbia in March).

August 29-September 6: International Break #2
Just a few weeks into the start of the new club season, and just six weeks after the Euro Championships, UEFA starts another round of Cup Qualifiers, and even San Marino dreams big (We lost 5-0 it's a miracle!!)

October 3-11: International Break #3
It's Africa's turn to start a round of qualifications based on the June draw for 5 groups. Assuming people aren't so pumped after watching the new Channing Tatum as Gambit movie to lose focus. They love their early-90s X-Men in Gabon!

Let's go, cher pantheres!

October 20-11: FIFA Meetings on Marketing and Television/Development
AKA "Dude, check out all the tv money we can...oh...dang it, they're still looking."

October/November: Central/East-Central African Cup (Possibly?)
Uganda has been on a great run of late, making the third round of World Cup qualifiers and winning their 14th regional cup. If (as Wikipedia seems to believe) there's another cup in the offing, the Cranes may be able to build themselves up more for a longer qualifying run (or run themselves ragged when they need to be fresh).

November 7-15: International Break #4
North American fans rejoice, it's time to start the Hexagon. Assuming the US can get past the Grenadines and Tobago, we will see more high stakes matches with local rivals Mexico and Costa Rica, whether or not we see that with Jurgen at the helm depends on your fondness for our resident Ubermensch.

Jurgen and his critics move to a slightly larger space

December: ASEAN Football Federation Cup--Myanmar/Phillipines
What a great way for Aung Sang Suu Kii to celebrate her first year in power! The Southeast Asian nations will run another tournament. With Thailand on track for their first final qualifying round and Vietnam still in the hunt, the AFF Cup might make a good tune up for those teams with big dreams, or salve the wound if it all falls apart. Plus, I hear the Nobel Prize winner's a pretty creative attacking midfielder.

Shooting From the Hip: AFC Second Round

You don't get far in this world playing it cautiously. It's as much a part of the Montana spirit as speed-limit free highways and sales-tax-free beef jerky.

So when it comes to predictions, I'll shoot from the hip. Take a chance when I'm not exactly sure. Be blunt and direct and optimistic when I can be.

The second round of Asian qualifying was announced on Tuesday, and while it won't start for another month and won't end for another year, I figured it was best to make predictions within 48 hours.

The nearly-year long second round, 8 groups of 5 will play home and away. The winners, and the top four runners up, will move on to the final round. (That's where your odds as one team in 2 groups of 6 get a heck of a lot better.)

So who will reach those lofty heights?

Group A: UAE, Saudi Arabia, Palestine, Timor-Leste, Malaysia
Winner: The Saudis have the higher profile and the richer pedigree, but the United Arab Emirates has had the better run of form lately. With probably the softest competition around them, I'd guess Zayed's Sons have the best chance.

Dark Horse: Set aside the geopolitical turmoil and the fact that their leaders seem hell bent on getting Israel kicked out of FIFA, but Palestine likely offers the best chance at an upset. A squad built on non-local players will never coalesce perfectly, but their familiarity with top flight squads (as seen in a trip to the the AFC Cup in January) will serve them well.
***
Group B: Australia, Jordan, Tajikistan, Kyrgyzstan, Bangladesh
Winner: This isn't quite a tap-in for The Socceroos but it's close. One of the dominant sides in Asia will have no trouble handling the rivals, the only real match to watch will be against Jordan.

A Socceroo tap in

Dark Horse: Speaking of Jordan, "The Chivalrous" have a strong case to make as one of the top sides in West Asia. They've had great fortune against the lesser sides of Asia (which definitely includes the Bangladeshis, Tajiks and Kyrgyzseseses--okay the Kyrgyz no offense meant), and by cutting their teeth in an endless series of friendlies against higher profile foes they'll keep that strength, take their lumps against Australia and move along.
***
Group C: China, Qatar, Maldives, Bhutan, Hong Kong
Winner: Loathe as I am to give them any credit, Qatar has put just about everything they have into developing a team that will match their stadia by 2022. And in case you're wondering, yes that does include pressuring foreigners into service (including Frenchman Dame Traore, Ghanaian Mohammad Muntari and Brazilian Luiz Junior). A strong 2014 was undercut by a truly underwhelming performance in the Asian Cup, but I think they'll be under pressure to get close this cycle--so they don't become the first team since Italy in 1934--the second cup ever--to host a world cup without having played in one before.

Dark Horse: I'm absolutely drinking Bhutan's Kool-Aid, but I don't care. The low profile, lack of film, high altitude home matches and general "do you believe in miracles vibe" makes the land of the Thunder Dragon an easy squad to root for. In the end they'd need to take points at home against both China and Qatar and sweep all matches against Maldives and Hong Kong, but hey, crazier things have happened.
***
Group D: Iran, Oman, India, Turkmenistan, Guam
Winner: With or without the recently departed Carlos Quieroz, Iran's got too much talent to miss out in this group. A debacle during a penalty shoot out at the Asian Cup this January shouldn't distract from the fact that they were easy front runners at the tournament and should be for this one as well. If they put their minds to it, I'm sure that young striking talents like Sardar Azmoun and Karim Ansarfarid could find some salient suggestions for the nuclear deal too.

Go Go Guam!

Dark Horse: Much as I love plumping for India (where I lived and worked for a few years), the baffling dark horse to root for is Guam. The rare American protectorate that actually IS an underdog, Guam garnered big headlines when they drew at higher profile Singapore. A squad filled with American college kids and MLS developmental talents might not do much against even average Asian sides like a dangerous Omani crew. But they are the ultimate dark horse.
***
Group E: Japan, Syria, Afghanistan, Singapore, Cambodia
Winner: It will take a lot for any of these teams to meaningfully challenge Japan. The Blue Samurai got an excellent draw despite a lackluster World Cup and Asian Cup. Still, they're at the top of the Asian standings and even if they don't consistently bring back European based players they should be able to handle these qualification rivals.

Dark Horse: If one of the other four sides can put together a consistent run against the other three they could pull a surprise especially with other second-tier teams (and Japan) playing so inconsistently. At a guess, I'd put money on Singapore which boasts a young squad with some internationally based players and more who work together at Lions XII bringing cohesion and confidence into the mix (not to mention avoiding the ...but when you lose to Guam...my whole confidence is undermined.
***
Group F: Iraq, Vietnam, Thailand, Indonesia, Chinese Taipei
Winner: Credit where it's due, Iraq consistently makes the best of an unusual and often trying situation. They've played the top teams in Asia very closely and make a habit of taking lower-ranked rivals seriously. A few foreign based players (including the Columbus Crew's Justin Meram) show continued promise and growth.

From Left to Right: Chanathip Songkrasin and Kroekrit Thawikan

Dark Horse: The biggest challenge for Iraq will be the frequent long-distance hauls to South East Asia. So the question for a dark horse will be any team who can boast a difficult home environment (to steal a win against the favorites) and real sway over regional rivals. By that standard Thailand is your most likely nominee (just winning the South East Asia Suzuki Cup, boasting a young and growing squad, consistent at home), but that's not anything I'd wager heavily on.
***
Group G: Korea Republic, Kuwait, Lebanon, Myanmar, Laos
Winner: Korea is still one of the preeminent powers in Asian football, perpetual status as bridesmaid's not withstanding. Their growing influence in Europe doesn't hurt matters, world cup qualification is now expected and the rivals here won't slow that down.

Dark Horse: Right now the hottest team for fans of Asian underdogs is Bhutan, but Lebanon was pulling the Cinderella story during the 2014 cycle. They're back again against two teams they beat on the road during the last set of qualifiers, higher regarded Kuwait and Korea. Though it ended with whimper in the final round of qualifying, the Cedars stood tall, and while Kuwait's a more likely runner-up/qualifier. Lebanon is still where my loyalty lies.
***
Group H: Uzbekistan, Bahrain, Philippines, DPR Korea, Yemen
Winner: The Uzbeks have long been a favorite of this blog. After all there's a strong corps of players being augmented by solid youth talents from a growing domestic league. They were in the hunt for a World Cup Spot until the final weeks of the last cycle, and they played well in the Asian Cup this January. Sure their president might be a nut job who made his daughters pop stars, ambassadors, corporate honchos, heirs apparent to the presidency, and then (at least in one case) political prisoners. But still, how 'bout that team, eh?

At least he didn't name them manager

Dark Horse: Maybe it's that they're the only reasonable country in the group. Maybe it's that their nickname is "the Street Dogs". Maybe it's that I'm afraid of Manny Pacquiao. But I feel like the Philippines might be poised for a surprising finish. Bahrain and Korea are both on the slide and Yemen is in turmoil while the Philippines has seen steady results and, in goal keeper Neil Ethridge, boast the only Chelsea trainee in the whole group.

***
12 Teams advancing to third Round (** signifies Top 4 runner up)
UAE
Australia
**Jordan
Qatar
Iran
Japan
Iraq
**Thailand
South Korea
**Kuwait
Uzbekistan
**The Philippines

Well I'll Be Damned! 2018 Kickoff

We're two short weeks away from the kickoff of World Cup 2018 Qualifying, and as such, it's time to reignite one of my favorite features to write during World Cup Qualification "Well I'll Be Damned" (WIBD) for short.

WIBD is a quick way to give some press to the least known and most easily forgotten teams in qualification, the squads for whom winning a match would be a high point in their national history, for whom qualifying for the finals is the stuff of intense day dreams, and for whom actually winning the cup would signify certifiable delusions.

Since the Road to Russia/Miles to Moscow/Long Haul to Luzhnki starts in Asia, that's where our WIBD profiles will start too, with the lowest ranked team in the whole cup: Bhutan

The Druk 11, as they're known in Bhutan, have a pretty paltry history in international soccer events. The 2018 tournament will mark their first foray into the World Cup. They haven't played a game at all in the last 18 months (a 5-2 loss to Sri Lanka in September 2013). And now they're set to face those same Lankan Lions in their first ever qualifying matches.

Given the absurd altitude in the land of the Thunder Dragon, the national squad might be able to develop some tremendous endurance. But given the lack of financial opportunities for football players in Bhutan (the game is often given up by kids once they discover more exciting/profitable things...like math), players tend to have a hard time developing the skill sets to keep up with their other AFC counterparts.

Ranked 209th in the world and with an historical goal differential of -185, the odds are most definitely stacked against Bhutan. They've never drawn so much as a point against Sri Lanka, and in 15 matches against them they have scored exactly twice.

Still I'm optimistic. Maybe it's the fact that anything can happen. Maybe it's the fact that Changlimithang Stadium is at 7,600 feet above sea level 1500 feet below the insurmountable Quito in Ecuador. Maybe it's the fact that I taught the former son of the Bhutanese FA and am still hoping I can get a national team jersey. But come on, let's face facts. Bhutan is a rising power, ten years after beatin gMonserrat they could easily beat the world.

3 On/3 Off: Asian Cup Edition

So, I was back on schedule, and then...yeah.

We hereby return to our summaries and catch-up of notable (and not-so notable) tournaments starting with the first federation cup of the new cycle: the AFC Asian Cup

On: Tim Cahill (Soccer Legend)
Tim Cahill is to Australlian soccer what Bronco Nagurski is to American football.

That is all.

Off: Australian Fans (Geopolitical Novices)
I'm all for hospitality, but Australian fans took it to a new level expressing their affection for North Korea. The Red Robot wasn't too likely to have a lot of fans in the stands, but that's as much for it's systemic disadvantaging of citizens as it is due to the country's small population. Cheer how you want to Aussies...but just remember that one man's satire is a nut job despot's eternal devotion.

On: South Korea
The Taeguk Warriors are certainly disappointed to have been forced to settle for a fourth silver medal since their last trophy in 1960. (Their four bronzes over the same time don't help either). But set aside the final standings and you can see a dominant squad that only trailed for 45 minutes (the second half of the final) and still managed a stunning equalizer in stoppage time. The resilient South Koreans are certainly worthy of a trophy, and I have every confidence they'll be gunning for one sooner rather than later.
Off: Japan
Meanwhile, Korea's primary rival, Japan's Blue Samurai, were underwhelming, topping a middling Group D before being on the back foot for 74 minutes against the United Arab Emirates en route to their eventual ouster in the quarterfinals. Combine this lackluster showing with the fuzzy and unfocused runs in Brazil both last summer and the year before (at the Confederations' Cup) and Japan doesn't look terribly well prepared for the future.


On: Asia's "Perceived" Third Tier (Uzbekistan/UAE/China/Iraq)
Recent form suggested that China and Iraq had no shot at the second round and that the UAE and Uzbekistan were too unknown to thrive in a bigger tournament. At the end of the tournament Iraq and the UAE finished 3rd & 4th, while China and Uzbekistan topped a group featuring more recent World Cup qualifiers (North Korea/Saudi Arabia).

Off: Asia's "Perceived" Second Tier (Saudi Arabia/Oman/Jordan/Qatar)
The Saudi's remain Asia's most baffling squad, with a fine pedigree and minimal results. The other gulf states with rising standards and results (Oman, Jordan and Qatar)looked totally underwhelming en route to their own early exits. And while none conceded as many goals as debutants Palestine, their standards aren't to compete against Palestine...it's to compete against the other top teams in Asia.

Catching up on the Cups: Southeast Asian Cup

When you have a job it's easy to lose track of the fun things in life: like minor international soccer tournaments.
So, as we near the end of the actual Asian Cup we take a look backwards at the smaller, less prestigious, but far more fun Southeast Asian Cup, also known as the ASEAN Football Federation Cup, or the AFF Cup, or the Suzuki AFF Cup, because why not.

Everything's Coming Up Kiatsuk!!

ON: Kiatsuk Senamuang (Coach of Thailand)
The former War Elephants striker returned to the team as a youth level coach and after a great run of form (including gold medals in two youth tournaments) repeated the feat when his youth players graduated to the national team. He's the first person to win the Suzuki Cup as both a player and manager. So basically, he's golden until Thailand fails to qualify for the World Cup.
OFF: Clarity of fan/political allegiance in Thailand
As the proud owner of a Bangkok knockoff Thai National Team jersey, I have to say that I was swiftly pressured into identifying the color that noticed my political allegiance. Yellow for the monarchy, red for the reformers or blue for...well...farang tourists who didn't want to piss anyone off. But with their most recent trophy won in red and dedicated to the ailing king, it's hard to tell what anybody's rooting for in the Thai stands (other than victory/peace).

ON: Mohd Safiq Rahim

Gratuitous Malaysian Bowling plug

While Malaysia was unlucky again to be waylaid in their pursuit of futbol greatness. The country has a strong hunger for glory, but little to show for it. Their 2010 Suzuki Cup win was their first trophy in 21 years, and they've got just 5 points in the last 3 World Cup qualifying campaigns. But that's nothing to do with Safiq Rahim, who remains absolutley deadly from the penalty spot netting four of his Golden Boot winning 6 goals. And if that weren't enough, he's married to one of Malaysia's best known female bowlers Zandra Aziela. (Take that Nomar Garciaparra and Mia Hamm!)
OFF: Baby Face Laotian Keepers 
Living in a part of the world with a large Laotian diaspora, I keep hoping that Thim Xad will pick it up. But that's hard to do when they field a pair of goalies with 5 caps to their names. Perhaps Thailand built for their future by trying so many young talents out, but manager Dave Booth (of Grimsby Town fame) may actually have set back the process of Seng Athit Somvang (23) and  Soukthavy Soundala (19) after that duo yielded 12 goals in 3 matches. God speed to the newbies.


ON: The Street Rep of South Asian Fans
You name the hooligan-ish behavior and South Asian fans seemed to go in for it. Throw toilet paper at the ref: Check (thanks Singapore). Point lasers into opponents eyes: check (thanks Malaysia). Deliver death threats to opponents: check (thank you Thailand). And just beat mercilessly beating people up: check (thanks again Malaysia...though Malaysian press says thanks go to Vietnam...let's just agree you both acted poorly.)
OFF: The Socceroos
Technically Australia is part of the Southeast Asian Cup, but technically, Australia is much much better than everyone else in the sub-region. So! The Socceroos have chosen to participate only in the East Asian cup, with greater prestige, more money and greater challenge. But we know the truth, they just don't want to face the potential upset of so many consonants being dropped on confused readers of Aussie Newspapers

3 On/3 Off: The End of the First Round

While I was out of station for most of the last set of matches, I'm as gung ho as anybody for the start of the knockout rounds. But first, let's take a look at the major themes that came out of the last round.

ON: Colonies--For the first time in the World Cup's history three North American teams made the second round. Add to that South America's absurd success in sending 5 of their 6 teams through as well and you have a massive triumph for the Western Hemisphere...because those are extremely rare for us.
OFF: Colonizers--Who were the three most prominent colonizing forces in the America's? Spain, England, and Portugal: a trio with a wealth of soccer clout, experience and power. Who has been eliminated from the competition? Spain, England and Portugal. Who marches on Portugal's Brazil; England's old colonies, and ex-Spanish outposts stretching from Baja to Tierra Del Fuego.

ON: Africa's Old Guard--In 1982 Africa's single biggest stunner in World Cup History hit the coasts of Spain when Algeria knocked off West Germany, only to be denied a deserved spot in the next round by teutonic collusion when Austria and the Germans cock-blocked them. In 1994 and 1998 Nigeria emerged as Africa's first true power by making the knockout stages twice in a row, and while their star faded since then, they've always been lurking.
I really thought two African teams would make it to the next round--but I just assumed it would be the more potent sides: Ivory Coast, Ghana or Cameroon. Instead those teams were undone by a combination of horrific timing and federation/player feuds--if Africa wants to step up to the next level they need to get their houses in order, in the mean time, it's nice to know that someone will step up.
OFF: Asia's Everybody--After tremendous strides over the last decade, Asian Football took a step back in Brazil. The top squads were supposed to be Japan and Korea: bounced without a win and with some pretty ugly play. The worst squads were supposed to be Australia and Iran: proven to be more capable than initially expected, but neither could muster a decisive blow (and poor Iran only managed a consolation goal in their last match).

ON: My beloved Hipsters--Obviously, the big boys Antoine Griezmann and Ahmed Musa were a pair of genuine difference makers who led their teams to the next levels. Mats Hummels, Stefan deVrij, Gary Medel and Juan Guillermo Cuadrado created, delivered and stopped goal opportunities. All while Josip Drmic, Miguel Veloso, Ehsan Haji Safi, Juan Carlos Paredes, Marco Fabian and Atsato Uchida made strong contributions to their teams best showings. If only Boubacar Barry had made that last penalty save we'd have a full squad AND reserves.
OFF: Luis Suarez--Congratulations Luis Suarez, you have become a punchline. You can score all the goals you want, you can dump all over powerful rivals like Italy and England, you can be a national hero defended to the death by your loyal fans, but to the rest of the world, you're a joke. You're a cannibal, a Mike Tyson wannabe who won't ever get to make goofy cameos with Zach Galifinakis, Barcelona won't take you now and Liverpool's ready to cut bait, you can appeal--but who on earth will say "you're right...biting opponents on repeated occasions isn't that serious"? Give it up and go home.

Meet the Team: Korea Republic

PEACE WARRIOR!!

Nickname: Highlighting the patriotic symbol the Taeguk Warriors are a little misnamed...after all why would there need to be warriors fighting and destroying others in the name of "harmony and peace"?


Star: For all the criticism heaped on Mario Balotelli for being divisive, controversial and potential spoiled, he's never made racist overtones to Japanese players or publicly criticized both fans and coaches of the national team, but Ki Sung-Yueng has. The volatile Ki is the cornerstone of the Korean midfield, and has been instrumental in a range of Premier League successes. He might not have Super Mario's hair or rep, but he's every bit as integral to the team success.


Hip-Star: While every eye in Asia turns westward to the top leagues in Europe, there is talent at home. Like Ulsan Hyundai/national team full back Lee Yong, he might not have the k-pop hair cut or the international pedigree, but he'll fill a vital role to Korea's chances in Brazil, assuming you're smart enough to care about the fine art of defensive/protective soccer.

X-Factor: Korea may have to overcome the absolute worse case of jet lag in the whole field. With a host of players based in the UK, Germany, China and Japan, a friendly against Tunisia in Seoul at the end of the month and another in Miami a week later (v. Ghana in a Secretary General Showdown) and then a trip to Brazil, you'll forgive them if they're pooped. Worse still, not having played much in-squad cohesion can be a problem...because it has been a problem.

The Coach and the greatest moment

Coach: While a host of Asian teams fixate on bringing in an international gun slinger to buoy their hopes, Korea turned to local legend Hong Myung-Bo: Destroyer of Spain in 1994, Captain of the ship en-route to 4th place in 2002, Stalwart of the Defense, Mentor of the Youngsters. Now charged with managing the national team he helped thrust to prominence, Hong must manage bigger egos and even bigger expectations.

History: Bound for their 8th straight World Cup, Korea has quietly become one of the most consistent Asian sides. Though they're a long way from a repeat trip to the Semi-finals, they were one poor game against Switzerland (in 2006) away from being thrice-consecutive top 16 finisher.

Food: Tempting as it is to brine up some kimchi and call it good, I think a lighter, more creative Dasik (or tea snack) seems like a fine munchable for a matchday. Rice flour, honey and a variety of spices or seeds all in a bite sized treat. A fine bit of sophistication after all the fried meats I'm plotting to eat.

Every politician gets one mortifying
photo...this is Ban Ki-Moon's

Fool: Some fools are dastardly, some are stupid and some are just bang out of luck. Ban Ki-Moon has to be the final kind of fool. He seems to be an utterly capable, thoughtful, considerate and well intentioned leader. Unfortunately the world is inept, impulsive, rude and brutish. Sorry Mr. Ban...you have only your self to blame for this--most ridiculous of jobs.

Best Case: Never doubt the magic touch of Hong Myung-Bo. A cohesive-dedicated month of practice works wonders for the far flung squad as they top the middling Group H before losing on penalties for the second straight cup (this time to a golden boot bound Cristiano Ronaldo)

Worst Case: Exhausted players sleepwalk their way through a loss to Russia, yawn to a goalless draw with Algeria and wake up just in time to see Eden Hazard net the last of his hat trick goals to send them home hopeless in last place.

My prediction: Unlike the Japanese, I was bearish on South Korea at first, and became more optimistic as time wore on, largely because they've got the far more manageable group H--though Belgium will likely knock them down to second place. Beyond that--facing the brutal quartet of Group G (each of whom could easily top the entirety of Group H)--they're up against too much. 2nd Round.

Added Bonus: Hop in the way back for some Classic Korean Hip Hop. Here's the Seo Taji Boys (starting about 1:06)