FIFA Election 2016: Lose but Don't Choose

Just when you think you've done the unthinkable and escaped the endless talking points and countdown clocks around the American Presidential Primaries, I'm here to batter you with news of another election!

Don't worry, this one isn't about who gets access to nuclear launch codes, or the power to appoint a generation of jurists. It's actually about important things: World Football. Specifically the election of a new FIFA president (unless Sepp Blatter seizes power through some kind of bureaucratic coup, rising up with umpteen forms in triplicate and pockets stuffed with Swiss Francs).

Unfortunately, we have absolutely no way to influence the vote. No fan does. No FA has polled their populace. No debate was held (though one was hilariously/feebly scheduled). No candidate is glad handing or meeting regularly with the press, players or supporters who make the beautiful game so beautiful.

So perhaps it's fair to ask "why should we care about which over-indulged bureaucrat gets to over-indulge until they die or an Attorney General arrests them?" It's a fair question, but here's the fair answer: even the court jester had to know who was king. 

Much as we mock the misanthropes in Zurich, we are beholden to them for the national games, for the global pride, for the international joy of watching and wallowing in athletic artistry. We're stuck with them, and even if they don't care about us, what they choose to do will effect the games we see across America in the future.

Candidates in the light from Left to Right:
Sexwale, Salman, Champagne, (Blatter & Platini), Infantino, Ali

Using, The Sporting Intelligence's insightful and brutally direct break down, I highlighted a few key parts of each candidates platform. Almost every candidate has known enough to make approving noises about big transparency issues, and pledges for reform, but so did Uncle Sepp, and while those things matter, we may not see the truth of such "reforms" for another 20 years or so. For the here and now, local fans will most notice if the next president works to: 

• improve minor associations (which would expand the talent pool for US Club teams and support greater parity on the world stage);
• expand the World Cup (from 32-40 as per Michael Platini's proposal); 
• invest in grassroots and women's football; tackling social ills (i.e. doping, racism, child trafficking from the third world under the guise of "club scouts"); 
• include geo-political requirements on World Cup hosts (which would ideally save fans from the queasy feelings instilled by bully candidates like Russia and Qatar); 
• and increase technology in the game (the one thing everyone has claimed they will do).

So where do they stand and who would win a local-fan primary? Let's look at the candidates, their life stories, their effect on local fans, their chances, and who their best presidential campaign corollary is (apologies to ardent Republicans who would rather not see their favorite candidates connected to the mess of FIFA. I'm not implying any judgement, it was just easier to draw from a big pool)

The Guy who Doesn't Know When to Quit: Prince Ali Bin Hussein

Who He Is: A member of the Jordanian royal family and runner-up to Sepp Blatter in the last election (in May of 2015). Prior to that he founded a regional organization for football in the Middle East, was a FIFA VP for Asia and a staunch advocate for allowing the hijab in Women's football. He's also kind of the rock and roll candidate, turning up to Arsenal games, showing up for just about every public event, showing his family man status, etc.

Who He Is Not: A humble street urchin posing as Prince Ali Ababwa...that would be ridiculous!

How He Would Effect Mid-American Fans: Hussein is in favor of continuing many of the growth oriented practices of FIFA's recent past (more technology, cracking down on racism, supporting small member associations, growing grassroots/women's game). But he differs in two key details: he would alter requirements for World Cup Hosts (incorporating human rights issues--after 2022--and looking for ways to decrease cost burdens on hosts), and he's mostly focused on giving money to smaller countries rather than growing membership or reforming local FAs. 

What are His Chances? Fading fast. Ali was the only other option 9 months ago, and had the backing of the Europeans furious with Blatter. But with two European candidates this time around, his support base has dried up faster than an Agrabah oasis.

Which US Candidate does He Resemble? Mike Huckabee/Chris Christie. Cool enough to be intriguing, but not to actually win anymore.

The Man Out of Time: Jerome Champagne

Who He Is: A French diplomat who segued into football management during the 1998 World Cup. After 11 years near the center of the football decision makers, Champagne took to bopping around the globe consulting smaller federations on ground level improvements (most notably in Palestine). He didn't get the nominations needed to run in 2015, but is back again and still bucking for the presidency.

How He Would Effect Mid-American Fans: Like Prince Ali, Champagne is one of the most vocal reform candidates. But he would take a more active role in addressing the minor associations (as a consultant for minnows, that makes sense): building pitches, pushing an on-line management training class, adding a voice for players in FIFA, getting boots on the ground in burgeoning markets (China/India/Indonesia) and explicitly campaigning to add Kosovo and more Oceanic nations.

What are His Chances? Not good. As relevant, viable, and progress-driven as he may seem in the eyes of fans and the press, he's not terribly relevant to the powers that be in FIFA-land, being dismissed by some as "the minutes taker". 

Which US Candidate does He Resemble? John Kasich. Obviously capable, but oblivious to the tides of voters and the times.

Infantino (w/ball) and his homies

The Rock Star: Gianni Infantino

Who He Is: A Swiss sports management official, given the defacto backing of European confederations when Michael Platini was banned in the fall. He's been around the ever increasing popularity of European football, and enjoys the support of lots of players also connected to UEFA management.

How He Would Effect Mid-American Fans: Unclear. Infantino is long on popularity and short on specific suggestions for improvement. Of the five topics I identified as relevant, he hasn't take a definitive stand on any of them (not even curbing racism, which...COME ON MAN!). He has said in the past that he backs World Cup expansion, and he wants to start his presidency with a football game at FIFA with some favorite old stars, which would be fun.

What are His Chances? Great! Most of Europe and South America have pledged their support, and with a platform that's long on vagaries and short on specifics, the old hands in Zurich will feel quite comfortable with him.

Which US Candidate does He Resemble? A hybrid of Jeb Bush's establishment credentials and Donald Trump's blanket pronouncements/celebrity pals.

The One with a Die-Hard Fan Base: Sheikh Salman

Who He Is: A member of the Bahraini royal family, Salman Bin Ibrahim al-Khalifa, has a degree in English literature, but rather than racking up debt (or just wasting royal family money) on a graduate degree, he got involved in football, first as president of the Bahrain FA (just as the team's golden generation finished painfully short of the World Cup in 2006 and 2010), and now as President of the Asian Federation. He also has been linked to the imprisonment and torture of Bahraini athletes who took part in pro-democracy protests during the Arab spring.

How He Would Effect Mid-American Fans: The Sheikh wants more money to small federations (his own has gotten the most over the last decade), and he has made appropriate mutterings about the social issues everyone cares about...or says they care about anyway. Racism = Bad. Mission accomplished. Hope you're happy everybody. But generally he wants to be hands off and let the game be the game. So if you're cool with how the most powerful clubs and countries have been doing things lately, get comfy.

What are His Chances? Pretty strong. Many FIFA watchers have suggested a potential backdoor deal between Infantino and Sheikh Salman where the president isn't white, and nothing really changes either. 

Which US Candidate does He Resemble? Ted Cruz. All the promise that makes his supporters happy, all the baggage that makes others wince.

The Zombie Campaign: Tokyo Sexwale

Who He Is: A former dissident and prisoner in Robben Island alongside Nelson Mandela. But rather than becoming a beacon for hope and democracy around the world, he followed up a brief political career by making gobs of money in mining, starting the "Say No to Racism" campaign, and becoming Franz Beckenbauer's BFF.

How He Would Effect Mid-American Fans: Sexwale is in favor of EVERYTHING! More associations! More grassroots promotions of pitches in the developing world! More money to the poor! More teams in the World Cup! More Women (presumably playing football)! More doping!...Wait...I mean, more stopping of doping! All he doesn't explicitly want is vetting of World Cup hosts, so get ready for Venezuela 2026!

What are His Chances? Bizarrely worse than the other "reformers". As a new face, a rich backstory, and a person from the underrepresented constituencies in FIFA, many tipped Sexwale (Seck-wall-ee, not Sex-whale) as a putative early favorite. But after making a big bang on his entrance, he's fizzled. His website is down, his twitter is dormant, his campaigning looks meek next to Ali and Champagne, and he has no confirmed voters (heck, even the mild mannered Champagne has Guinea-Bissau).

Which US Candidate does He Resemble? Ben Carson, but without the narcolepsy.

So, it's pretty clear that, barring some bizarre turn of events, it will be either Sheikh Salman or Gianni Infantino. But in a more democratic world, where the whole world actually had a voice, who would get your vote? 

What to Watch for Worldwide in 2016

We spent the last few days reflecting on the teams that have bowed out of the next round of the world Cup in 2015. Now it's time to look ahead to the 2016 International Soccer Calendar and ponder what, if anything, matters to the average Upper-Midwest-Mountain-Time-Zone-Type Soccer Fan.

January 3rd: SAFF Championship--India
Forget your podunk Tax Slayer and Alamo Bowls, the first real hardware on the line this year will be awarded when India and Afghanistan meet in Kerala this Sunday. The Afghans have long dominated the subcontinent but are about to defect to a different subregion, meaning that India will soon be the lone giant in their area (as usual). The Blue Tigers have already been mathematically eliminated from the world cup qualifiers with two games to go, but they play throwback American footy. As in: a throw back to those late 80 days when 90% stadium seats were empty and even the best players were tentative. Ahhh memories. (You can watch the live stream here at 7 AM local time Sunday, but be warned there are no announcers, but feel free to invent your own.)


January 11th: Ballon d'Or Awards
AKA Lionel Messi wracks his brain to think of someone he hasn't yet thanked in an acceptance speech.

Uhh...my great-great-great grandma I guess?

January 12th-30th: Asian Olympic Qualifying/U-23 Championship
It will be interesting to see who makes it to the Olympics (I'm still riding the Thai War Elephants bandwagon), but what really matters is our sense of progress and organization in Qatar who hosts the tournament. Sure it's still 6 years off, and they've hosted an Asian Cup with more spectators and journalists, but the closer we get to 2022 the more we want to see wrinkles ironed out.

February 7th: African Nations Championship
You might be thinking...didn't Africa just play a championship last year? Yes they did, but this time they take only players based on the continent into their national teams, giving a slightly trickier job to the coaches involved. Unfortunately the late timing means that if someone has a great tournament they have to wait five long (injury-prone) months before they can become a transfer target again. But, as an added bonus, you can brag at that evening's Super Bowl party that you won the Office ANC Pool. ("What's that?" you can continue "your office doesn't have a pool for the African Nations Championship final? Well...I suppose we're just more worldly over where I work"--and that's how you win Hipster of the Year with 10 months to spare)

February 26th: FIFA's Extraordinary Congress
Sadly, it's not a congress made up of FA directors who are also steam punk superheroes. It's a bunch of officials running to replace Sepp Blatter as most derided and loathed man in the world. There's a full month plus of campaigning, including the possibility of a live ESPN debate around the world on January 29th so we can get more into the who, what and why and if you want logical, intelligent coverage rather than my style of mockery and pop culture allusions, Sporting Intelligence has just about everything you need to know to make an informed decision about who you would least dislike winning an election you can't vote in.

Be prepared to loathe one of these men for the rest of their professional lives!

March 15th & 16th: FIFA Meetings on Development and Cup Organization
AKA Shoot, people are watching us now...how do we "develop" our bank accounts like this?

March 21st-29th: International Break #1
The biggest piece in this session will be Asia's final round of second round matches, with a number of spots in the final round still up for grabs. The great stories of Bhutan and Guam have reached their disappointing endings, but there's still hope for Cinderella story runs for Thailand (coming of a trophy win last year), Hong Kong (who could qualify off the back of China) and Syria (who...holy hell what would their progression mean?).

May 12th-15th: FIFA Congress in Mexico City
The new president will have the eyes of the world on him as he announces a host of minor bureaucratic "reforms" that will either continue the devolution of power to an international base or set billionaire European club owners toes a-curling.

May 15-29th: COSAFA Cup--Windohek, Namibia
Bafana Bafana remains the dominant force in the region, but shockingly trail Zimbabwe and Zambia in total titles. With Zambia a dark horse for Wold Cup qualifying and Botswana and Angola riding a youth wave, there are some interesting story lines to watch before most teams settle in for three years of waiting for the 2022 qualifiers.

May 28-June 11: OFC Nations Cup/2nd Round Qualifiers

AKA New Zealand enjoys some lovely beach weather in Papua New Guinea and wonders how it can join the Asian Federation.

C'mon All Whites, look at this view

June 3-26: Copa America Centenario--USA
Ahh, the tournament that gave Attorney General Loretta Lynch the opening needed to whomp FIFA on the head with the reform stick (thanks Traffic Sports Marketing!!) For those who are still keen on seeing great international soccer (assuming it rises above the stink of bribery that it was built on) it's only 5 hours to Chicago which will host three first round games (including one US Men's National Team and one Argentine game) as well as a semi-final.

June 10-July 10: Euro 2016--France
The big tournament of the summer will offer answers to a few big questions: is Germany unbeatable? Can Spain and Italy bounce back? Are France and Belgium ready to join the short list of title contenders? Dare we dream of Irish, Welsh or Icelandic qualification? Who is destined to make Euro pundits giggle like star-struck teens before turning in a wildly disappointing next season and disappearing off the face of the sporting earth? Ohh, Euro season, how I tolerate you.

June 24: CAF 3rd Round Qualifying draw
While some strong teams still look indomitable (Ivory Coast, Algeria, Ghana) we've reached that stage of African development where often overlooked squads are on the rise (Cape Verde Islands and Congo), while older squads have faded just enough to create groups of deaths (Egypt and Nigeria). We'll have to wait and see how the groups shake out, but there's a good chance that three more spots will be in the balance.

Alright! More Cartoon Sports Enthusiasts

August 3-20: Olympic Tournament--Rio de Janeiro
Hey! A soccer tournament in Brazil! Move over pigeons of Manaus, we need that stadium again...for a couple of hours anyway. Seriously, the U-23 teams coming in from around the world should give a sense of which county's development programs may be bearing fruit in two years time (Denmark, Sweden, Honduras, South Africa, maybe just maybe the US--if they can beat Columbia in March).

August 29-September 6: International Break #2
Just a few weeks into the start of the new club season, and just six weeks after the Euro Championships, UEFA starts another round of Cup Qualifiers, and even San Marino dreams big (We lost 5-0 it's a miracle!!)

October 3-11: International Break #3
It's Africa's turn to start a round of qualifications based on the June draw for 5 groups. Assuming people aren't so pumped after watching the new Channing Tatum as Gambit movie to lose focus. They love their early-90s X-Men in Gabon!

Let's go, cher pantheres!

October 20-11: FIFA Meetings on Marketing and Television/Development
AKA "Dude, check out all the tv money we can...oh...dang it, they're still looking."

October/November: Central/East-Central African Cup (Possibly?)
Uganda has been on a great run of late, making the third round of World Cup qualifiers and winning their 14th regional cup. If (as Wikipedia seems to believe) there's another cup in the offing, the Cranes may be able to build themselves up more for a longer qualifying run (or run themselves ragged when they need to be fresh).

November 7-15: International Break #4
North American fans rejoice, it's time to start the Hexagon. Assuming the US can get past the Grenadines and Tobago, we will see more high stakes matches with local rivals Mexico and Costa Rica, whether or not we see that with Jurgen at the helm depends on your fondness for our resident Ubermensch.

Jurgen and his critics move to a slightly larger space

December: ASEAN Football Federation Cup--Myanmar/Phillipines
What a great way for Aung Sang Suu Kii to celebrate her first year in power! The Southeast Asian nations will run another tournament. With Thailand on track for their first final qualifying round and Vietnam still in the hunt, the AFF Cup might make a good tune up for those teams with big dreams, or salve the wound if it all falls apart. Plus, I hear the Nobel Prize winner's a pretty creative attacking midfielder.

Riding into the Sunset: GERMANY

For the past four years we've tracked every team to play in and eventually lose in the world cup, at the end of all that stands the final survivor, ready to ride into the sunset with the Jules Rimet trophy in one hand and an obscene wad of cash in the other.

That team is Germany.

They bested all these other fools

So how did they do it?

Well they kicked off qualifying with a 3-0 walkover versus Faroe Islands, with Mario Götze's 28th minute strike starting the march towards Rio.

The rest of qualifying was similarly easy with only Sweden really testing them: first by stealing a point in Berlin and then by striking twice in the first half to take a lead...before Andre Schurrle's second half hat trick put Die Nationalelf ahead for good.

All told they brought down 28 points from 10 matches, and ceded 10 goals...3 of them to teams not named Sweden.

Fortunately, the Swedes couldn't get past Portugal which mean that when they had finally qualified they were pretty high on my list of contenders (in fact I had them losing the final to Argentina...so close)

But in December fate seemed to frown upon the Germans foisting them with this year's "Group of Death" (cue dramatic music). The Portuguese who had shot down the rival Swedes? In it. The Ghanaians who had bedeviled them four years before? In it. The Americans who had beaten Germany (albeit their B team) in a friendly the year before? In it. At the time it prompted a lot of conversations among my fellow hooligans. The best part of which might be this exchange with my old student teacher:

"Parcursed: US in a group with the best European team, their bogey team, and the best player in the world... See you all in 4+ years.
Me: I 100% agree with my student-teacher (whose doing a great job of doing my real job while I'm home sick today). But the good news is, traditionally teams who emerge from the group of Death are the teams who compete for the title.  (Including Italy when they topped the US and Ghana in 2006--so at least we'll lose to the best?)"

Again I called for Argentina over Germany in the final, and again the Germans looked to be hard core, their build up to the trophy was impressive, and even though I gave in to the massive group think that we were building to Brazil V. Spain (Round 2), I knew they would be tough enough to make it to at least the quarterfinals--and that Benedikt Howdes would be brutal in defense (Sadly I was one round too early in my "injured Neymar" prediction.

The group stage started with Thomas Muller featuring prominently both as goal scorer, and Portugal's least favorite man, as they crushed the Portugese 4-0 (causing Zlatan Ibrahimovic to shake his head and go back to kicking gum into his mouth). They had perhaps their worst match of the whole tournament in a narrow 2-2 draw with Ghana where the Black Stars looked the better side for long stretches. The final day dawned with a result needed against the US and dreams of match fixing in the press. It wasn't nearly that serious as Germany controlled and the Yanks looked bedraggled before a 1-0 win.

The knockout stages started with a surprisingly game Algeria, repeating much of the same athletic end-to-end pressure that Ghana used so effectively. Though a pair of late goals gave Die Mannschaft a better result, it was dangerous for a while. 

Things were less dire versus the French in the quarters, as control and possession spelled the end for Les Blus. The blunted attack of Karim Benzema was just fine by the blunted attack of Miroslav Klose as they headed for the semis and the vaunted Brazilian side.

Well...maybe they shouldn't have been that vaunted. Instead 7-1 has all the makings of a national joke for decades to come. The superlative style of focused, ingenious attacking made fans around the world sit up and take notice--as well as several other football players look on in shock.

By the time the final came around, Germany looked the safer pick--even against the Argentine squad I'd been plumping over Germany for six months, and while Argentina looked strong in the first half, the gas ran out of Lionel Messi's legs in the second. Yet the Germans couldn't capitalize and while it looked for all the world like we'd be doomed to the pig-kissing penalty-kick shoot out, that was when Mario Götze came up big, delivering the final goal of Germany's campaign, just as he had delivered the first in Hannover 22 months before.

No question about it the Germans are champions and deserve to be them. They have the best league in the world and a relatively young squad that continue to improve. But will they be the dominant force in football for the next six years (as Spain was before them)? Not that likely: Sweden, Ghana and Algeria all had answers for them and may provide the model for how to dethrone the current kings. But until that happens, live it up Germany, now is the time for you to shine (and make huge chunks of money on the transfer market). Savor the sunset now, because who knows how quickly we'll say happy trails to you next time around.

It's good to be Rhianna...at least...now it is...

(Okay, we probably will see you in the semi-finals AGAIN in Russia...but let us dream, okay?)

Meet the Team: Switzerland

Nickname: With four languages squeezed into about 16,000 square miles, there's a lot of different ways to say "National Team", but we prefer Rossocratiati (The Red Crosses).

Xherdan practices his Tiger Beat face

Star: There's plenty of people talking about this world cup as a coming out party for Neymar, or the entire Belgian/Colombian teams. But Switzerland has as much young potential as anyone else, particularly starring Bayern Munich's midfield man: Xherdan Shaqiri, whose speed is vital to keep an aging defense protected.

Hip-Star: While Switzerland's youthful midfield is promising, their youthful striking corps is a little more worrying. Though he is the youngest and least capped striker on the squad, Josip Drmić is in the best form--with the third most goals in this year's Bundesliga and a spiffy new contract with Bayer Leverkusen. Plus, like his name shows, he's so over vowels.

X-Factor: The swiss were really stupid, they beat Brazil in a friendly last August. That boosted them to the top 8 of Fifa's rankings, which made them a top seed in the cup. Without that win they might have landed a more manageable group with Colombia, or Belgium and played their familiar role of spoiler. Instead they're "the team to beat" saddled with France and Ecuador in a group that's not impossible, but certainly not their ideal situation.

Omar tells me what I can do
with my questions

Coach: Omar Hitzfield is leading the Swiss Miss-ters to a second consecutive world cup, but has vowed to step down on July 1st--of course, if Switzerland makes the quarter finals, they would play after July 1st...not sure what will happen then.

History: It's been feast or famine for the army knife gang (can you tell I like making up nicknames for them?) Strong showings in the 30s and 50's presaged two decades of inadequacy and no qualification. The current group will play in their third World Cup in a row with a second round in Germany and stunning victory against Spain in South Africa to show for their troubles.

Food: Fondu is totally overkill, and while they're popular world wide, the Swiss are such an international people that I feel entitled to claim quiche and call it good.

Thanks British Press!

Fool: Did you know that Switzerland uses a council of learned elders to rule the country...no single executive but a community. It obviously works for the wealthy and stable nation (though friendly overseas banking laws help). Which means it's back to my old stand by, mock Sepp Blatter. The president of FIFA who rules with an iron grip inside a velvet glove runs the organization like his own personal fiefdom, going so far as to say last month that he would run for a fifth term despite pledging to step down after a sketchy reelection in 2011.

Best Case: The Swiss defense stands pat, the young talents prove their worth and all the criticism and complaint about their seeding is proved ill-founded as they top Group E, best the underwhelming runner-up of Group F, and push Germany all the way to penalty kicks in the Quarterfinals.

Worst Case: The defense's age is exposed and the attacker's youth is exploited, and even the steady hand of Hitzfield can't stymie faster, focused squads from France and Ecuador, with just a draw against Honduras holding them up in third place.

My prediction: While the Swiss stand out as the top-seeded team everyone loves to mock, they've been a top ten team in the world for a reason. While they may be overrated, they can definitely handle Honduras, so a strong showing against Ecuador is crucial. I think they get it and, by proxy, a spot in the Second round.

Added Bonus: Arguably the most influential song in Swiss hip-hop is "Murder By Dialect" by P-27 (f. Black Tiger), shifting from Swiss-German to English and back again is yet another sign of the Swiss cosmopolitan style.

Meet the Team: Spain

Nickname: I actually appreciate the Spanish method of weaving in the jersey color into their nickname: La Furia Roja (The Red Fury) is a fine way to go.


Star: The plethora of options, creators, finishers, defenders and just general talent is embarrassing. Narrowing those options to one star is like identifying the single best peanut M and M's in a pound worth of them. Let's just say Andrés Iniesta and brace for the torrent of angry fans defending their own favorite.

Hip-Star: If you can find an under-the radar Spanish player, you should talk to NORAD, because, your skills shouldn't be wasted on futbol. Since Fernando Torres and David Villa are aging up top, and most recent spotlight stealer Diego Costa is hurt, we'll say the Spanish player who is most important, but most absent from mainstream debate is: Álvaro Negredo.

Mastermind/Understudy
for the role of "Kind Grampa"

X-Factor: There is no way to ignore it, the road to the trophy goes straight through Spain, which is both a sign of their talent and of the fact that the whole world is plotting against them. Every team that knows it faces Spain, or hopes to face Spain, has been strategizing and plotting specifically for them since they qualified. If everyone uses the Bayern Munich method of socking it in at the back...they may only make the quarter finals.

Coach: While most teams replace managers at the end of a tournament cycle, consistent trophy hoisting has kept Vicente Del Bosque firmly entrenched in Spain's hottest of hot seats. While his Real Madrid squads never bought into the Tiki-Taki passing strategy used to such tremendous effect in the last three major tournaments, he's employed it perfectly with the national side.

History: The years of "underachieving" Spain have finally vanished. The supposed "Quarter-Final Curse" has been busted, and the team's first gold star (a sign of having won the World Cup) adorned the crest after their 2010 triumph in South Africa. The first generation of stars who made that happen are nearing the twilight of their careers now, but they should have something left for one more big run.


Food: Tapas are easy, and since the whole Spanish style was built, refined and maintained at Barcelona in Catalonia it seems best to honor them with a dish for eating: Escalivada--roasted vegetables, the perfect accompaniment to all the other grilled things I'll be making in June.

Fool: The only real blemish on Spain's post-Franco era has been the hideous Property Bubble that prompted a EU bailout in 2012. But rather than foisting the blame on bankers or home buyers or anything else, we'll pick on King Juan Carlos I, because 'merica don't take kindly to kings!

Best Case: Spain is Spain. The World Cup is lifted. Host Brazil bows to them in the final. The earth continues spinning.

Worst Case: Holland holds La Roja, to a 90 minute stale mate (much as they did in the 2010 final), forcing a must win game against a defensively fierce Chile in the second, that ends in another unsatisfying draw. A final win over Australia is nice but goal differential from the more potent Dutch and Chilean attacks creates a stunningly short trip to Brazil for the holders as they exit in third place of their group.

My prediction: The Spanish system is every bit the world beater it has been for the past six years. Unfortunately, they don't have to beat the world, just Brazil...in Brazil. After the confederations cup last year, I fear that's a little too much to ask. Runners-Up

Added Bonus: Hey, here's someone I actuallly used to play during my old college radio days: Mala Rodriguez's "Tengo un Trato"

Meet the Team: Russia

Nickname: While Wikipedia doesn't give any specific name, some leave it with the simple "national Team" Sbornaya.

Star: As a team built on defense, Russia has lived and died with their keeper. And after topping their group (one that contained Portugal), a lot of it is owed to keeper Igor Akinfeev, the CSKA Moscow man who ceded just 5 goals in all of qualifying. As he follows in the bootsteps of legendary Soviet keeper Lev Yashin, Akinfeev will have to be on point to push Russia ahead in the Cup for the first time since the fall of communism.


Hip-Star: A great many eyes will be on Aleksander Korkorin, the preeminent forward of the team, who led the scoring in qualifying, but someone has to serve him and, given the team's tendency to run on the wings it may need to be Denis Cheryshev, who was gobbled up by Real Madrid's program and has barely sniffed the pitch in the past two years. He may not make the squad, and even if he does, he might not play at all. All the more reason to cite him as you roll up your flannel sleeves and push up your box-framed glasses, that's just how much you know.

Bigger....

X-Factor: In case you don't read the newspapers or listen to the radio or watch the television or look at the internet (which would actually preclude you from reading this), Russia's in the midst of a military incursion excuse me, Russian media says that's inaccurate. I mean they're in the midst of a fascist liberation nope, sorry, Western media says that's inaccurate. I mean a bowl of Cheerios. yeah, that's the ticket...a bowl of Cheerios. Maybe they can focus with a big bowl of cheerios going on in the background...maybe they can't...but one thing's for sure, no team's faced a bowl of Cheerios this big since...well I can't remember one...so there you have it...yeah Cheerios.

Coach: Remember 4 years ago when Fabio Capello seemed to be a genius who was going to save English football? How he had only lost 3 matches when the Cup started...and then promptly oversaw a group of players who looked like a dog's breakfast? Yeah...those were the days; and now he's back in an all new adventure yes it's Capello 2: Russian Boogaloo.

History: The Russians have made an appearance each decade, but they haven't made it past the group stage since 1986 (And that started a long decline from quarter finals to bottom of the barrel). The top highlight was a 4th Place finish in 1966.

Food: I don't trust my pureeing abilities enough to make borsht, and I'm eager for some more breakfast foods so bilinis it is. (I'm aiming for more sweet and less savory, but depending on how long Russia's run goes, I may need to try some thing new.

Sexy/Genius and he knows it...

Fool: It's like someone wrote a casting notice: "Vladmir--40-60, Serious, unflappable former KGB operative who feels that the fall of the Soviet empire is a disaster and that he will create a new world order. Must be willing to work without a shirt." Enter VLADMIR PUTIN.

Best Case: The Great Russian Revival continues, besting Korea, stunning EU darlings Belgium and cruising against Algeria. The stalwart defense and potent offense run up the score against the US in round two, and only a desperation, miracle move from Messi sends them out in the Quarterfinals. Ukraine throws up their hands and beg to be annexed as a whole.

Worst Case: The team arrives with a big fat target on their back, and the inexperienced squad is wrong footed by the faster Koreans and Belgians, while their offense sputters. The team bickers their way, pointing fingers and hanging heads as the Algerians knock them out in last place...again. The US moves on to the quarters with ease, and Putin slips a radioactive mickey in Capello's nightcap.

My prediction: Sweet as it would be to relive Rocky IV on a soccer pitch, I don't see great things ahead for either the Russians or the Yanks. Though it will likely be harder on Russia when Algeria steals a point in the last minutes to deny the ex-Reds a second round spot. 3rd place--2 points

Added Bonus: Yup there's Russian hip-hop...so we've at least won on that front, here's Bad Balance.

Meet the Team: Portugal

Nickname: Though they might like to be known as "Selação", Brazil actually has that locked down. So we'll go with Os Navegadores--"The Navigators"

The world's only
unphotoshoppable human

Star: The fourth and final "futbol player everybody knows" is literal golden boy Cristiano Ronaldo, who manages to combine the athletic prowess of a prize fighter/ballet dancer with the absurd good looks of Derek Zoolander/James Bond. He's easy to make fun of, because he is easy to feel jealous of.

Hip-Star: Oh, yeah...Cristiano Ronaldo...ooh, he's so talented, ooh, he's so good looking...oooh...but do you really think he's going to stop the brutally efficient German attack? The speeding Ghanaian wingers? The gritty American scrapiness? No...he's too busy winking and flexing for the cameras. That's okay as long as defensive midfielder Miguel Veloso plays his game, not that you'd notice if you only judge players on how deep their dimples are...silly sheeple.

X-Factor: One of the greatest clichés in futbol is that one man can't win the game on his own. Though Portugal has certainly challenged that philosophy lately, riding Ronaldo and a host of complementary pieces to a number 3 FIFA ranking. A more complete team got fourth place in 2006, a less effective one got to the second round in 2010...will supporting players rise up, or fade away?

Coach: For a former defensive midfielder, Paolo Bento is bedeviled by mediocre defending and giving away goals in heaps, first with Sporting Lisbon and again in qualifying (ceding 4 to North Ireland, and 3 to Israel) as they finished second behind Russia and needed all of Ronaldo's scoring acumen to send them through.

Norwegians don't do this with cod...

History: While the 70s and 80s were a fallow period for Portugal, four straight qualifications and a chunk of European glory has made them far more notable in the past decade particularly their 4th place finish in 2006.


Food: A little breakfast food never went amiss, and it's been far too long since I thought about fish so let's try Bacalhau à Brás. Taking potatoes, scrambled eggs and the ubiquitous treat of Portugal: dried Cod.

Fool: As Portugal tends to be more or less manageable and considerate of one another they don't fit most of our "fool" types. So, it's with nostrils pinched that we point the finger at Pedro Passos Coehlo for being the man in charge at the fall of the Portugese economy. Sorry Pedro.

Best Case: Cristiano Ronaldo does everything Nike and Cristian Dior and Rolex and Gillette could ever want. Single handedly netting game winners in every group match, and then knocking off every rival in the knockout stages (culminating in that other selacao) en route to Portugal's first World Championship.


Worst Case: Ronaldo tweaks something on his first warm up jog around the track and the rest of Portugal collapses around his absence. Getting pummeled into last place by Germany, the US and even Ghana and flying home in tears as Brazilians chant insults at their erstwhile oppressors.

My prediction: Fear not sponsors, super-shiny Christiano Ronaldo will play more than three games--not even a shock upset from the US will derail that dream. But they won't play more than 4, as the super-shiny upset darlings of Belgium pounce on Portugal's main weakness...overconfidence. 2nd Round

Added Bonus: In my (extremely brief) survey of Hip Hop Tuga, it seems that artists rely heavily on intros, hooks and slowly set up the beats. Bear that in mind when you hear Sam the Kid's "Jungle Fever"

Meet the Team: Netherlands

Nickname: Whether you call them Holland, or the Dutch, or the Netherlands, you have a similar plethora of choices when it comes to the nickname for the squad: Oranje/Clockwork Orange/Flying Dutchmen--take your pick, it all works well.

Star: Dutch attackers tend to pass the torch from one generation to the next, this time around its Robin Van Persie's to run with. Though he won't have a younger ally to tutor, his pace, speed and scoring acumen have made the Man United man Holland's all time leader in goals scored. Hard not to trust him here.

Hip-Star: For all the fun people have with Total Futbol, and memories of Cruyff, Gullit, Kluivert, Bergkamp, Robben, Sneijder, et al, the Dutch need a defense every bit as much. That's why center back Stefan de Vrij is so vital to the team's chances. Alongside a pair of fellow Feyenoord back liners, he'll have to shut down the dangerous Spanish and Chilean attacks to help the Dutch endure a brutal Group B. While he's at it, he can work on lining his parka hood with artisanal hemp designs that simulate fur without murdering animals.

X-Factor: I know that I put way too much stock into touchy feely categories like "momentum" and "chemistry" but the serious psychological gut shot of losing on the biggest stage again, must have some effect on the Dutch. The perennial bridesmaids of European and now, world futbol (since Spain finally got their gold star last time out), might well be professionals, might well be athletic and well trained...but to face the foe who denied them last time in the very first match...it's do or die time immediately for Holland.

Oh...what? World what now?

Coach: Maybe you've heard the name Louis Van Gaal recently. Maybe you've heard that he's due to take on a job managing the most prolific, historic, media beloved club on the planet after this tournament is over. Maybe you've heard all about his plans and transfer targets, his schemes and short leash from management. But have you heard how he's going to guide the Dutch? You know, the team he currently works for and previously left on the door step of qualifying for the 2002 Cup? Yeah, me neither.

History: The title of "Best Team Never to Win the World Cup" has been handed down from Argentina, to France, to Spain and now (officially) to the Netherlands. Back to back runners up in the glory days of Cruyff and Co. are almost 40 years in the past, before any of the current squad was born, should they break the streak (in Brazil of all places)...it would be miraculous.

"Douchio-Reducto!"

Food: I'm not going to be able to brew any beer, or ferment any cheeses, but I think I can manage Andijviestamppot--endives, mashed potatoes and diced bacon.


Fool: Ahh Geert Wilders the man who compared the Quran with "Mien Kampf", opposes all forms of immigration and looks like a distant, douchy, relative of the Malfoy family (though even they think he's a little over the top).

Best Case: Van Gaal is the genius everyone thinks he is. A well oiled machine of midfield and forwards doesn't miss a beat as they redeem themselves against Spain, trounce Chile and make Australia hide in the dressing room rather than play the second half. The momentum continues through the next two rounds en route to a Semi-against Argentina (another case of sweet sweet revenge) and a final against Brazil. Miraculously, unbelievably, they win the cup while unicorns fly over head and Fernanda Lima declares her undying love for me.

Worst Case: Van Gaal is already out the door by the time Spain dismantles the rookie defenders again, Chile pounces on blood in the water and a bedraggled squad goes through the motions in a draw with Australia dropping Holland to the worst showing at a cup since 1938. Fernanda Lima declares her undying love for Geert Wilders.

My prediction: Coming off a second place finish in 2010, the eternal bridesmaids of World Football won't have to suffer a near miss again, not because they're poised for glory, but because the aging dutch in the knock-down-drag-out Group B will likely have everything to play for in their final match against Chile. When that's the case, in South America, against a team in sterling form, it won't end well. 3rd Place--3 points.

Added Bonus: I know what you really want, a sample of NEDERHOP! Here's Dutch Oldskool group Extince with "Spraakwater"

Meet the Team: Italy

Nickname: Like the rival French, Italy just goes by their color, though Azzuri sounds quite a bit more interesting than Les Bleus.

Super Mario has a lot of good cries

Star: Poster child for bad boy soccer stars (if you believe such a thing exists), is Mario Balotelli: "unmanageable" in the eyes of some managers, "insanely gifted" in the eyes of others, lightning rod for critics of "the right way to play", target of red cards everywhere, idol of those who fixate on "the beautiful game". One of the most famous players in the world, Super Mario will be vital to the Azzuri's chances in Brazil.

Hip-Star: Balotelli gets the goals, Buffon gets the armband, Pirlo gets the Nike ads, Chellini gets responsibility for the whole defense, and somewhere in the midst of all that Riccardo Montolivo quietly does his job as distributor, defender and all around lynchpin. Learn the name, and repeat it frequently so you can say, "I was a fan of Montolivo before it was cool to be a fan of Montolivo".

X-Factor:  Italy's life long philosophy of play is simple: defend, defend, defend and stun them at the end. Sometimes that works like a charm (see Cannavaro, Fabio in 2006), sometimes it works terribly (see Cannavaro, Fabio in 2010). Defense is less a focus than it has been in recent years, whether the shift in style will hold, or pan out, has yet to be seen.

Cesare wondering
about the name sake

Coach: After Marcello Lippi first saved the day, and then ruined the day, Italy turned their attention to Cesare Prandelli who has boosted the squad to strong showings at Euro 2012 and last year's Confederation's Cup. Those accomplishments are impressive, though Italy tends to prefer hardware rather than impressive results.

History: 4 gold stars on the crest mean 4 total championships. There was almost a 44 year gap between the second and third, and a 24 year gap between the third and fourth. In between there's a tale of feast and famine, washing out in group stages as often as they make the semi-finals, whether that's a predictable disaster or just a random coincidence we'll see soon enough.

Food: There's really no shortage of great Italian food, but I'm most excited to try a recipe I learned a few years ago: Budino di Rossi a sweet risotto pudding cooked in amaretto with dried fruits. I know...gourmet and alcoholic!

I do not want to call you Silvio

Fool: Some countries have dictators, some have bigots, and Italy has Silvio Berlusconi, the only man with less impulse control than Charlie Sheen, a man so doofish-ly full of himself that even Mario Balotelli thinks he needs to reevaluate his ego. A man convicted of corrupt dealings, who still thinks he should run the country. God bless you Silvio, you beautiful, beautiful moron.

Best Case: Stinging from the embarrassment four years ago, a motivated Italy comes through with a sterling performance against a tough group (including England and Uruguay), as well as whatever woebegone sucker sneaks out of group C, then stun Spain in the quarters, lock down Messi and get steal the title, getting revenge on Brazil for poor old Roberto Baggio.

Worst Case: Balotelli gets a red card inside of five minutes against England, aging stars Buffon and Pirlo get injured in the first 10, Italy gets bounced in three games and everyone laughs.

My prediction: Just 8 years ago they were the best in the World, just 4 years ago they were the worst in the field. This time they'll be where they belong, just about in the middle. Wins to start their run will get them confidence, and a second round date with underperforming Colombia. Of course, Italian confidence plus Colombian motivation equals an upset, but hey, for at least a week they'll look incredible. Round of Sixteen (Group Winners)

Added Bonus: Having honored a couple of Milan players, it's only right to honor a Milan based group, so here's the shout out to Club Dogo with dude bro party anthem "Michina Boh"

Meet the Team: Greece

From Vanity Fair

Nickname: Rather than the blunt "National" or another color-scheme name "sky-blue white", we'd like to call the Greeks Piratiko "The Pirate Ship"


Star: While Konstantinos Mitroglou has risen to prominence (thanks in no small part to 3 goals in the cup playoff against Romania and an ensuing transfer to Fulham), it's still Giorgos Karagounis' team. The midfielder is the Captain of these pirates, and far more reliable Jack Sparrow (though with less guy-liner). Karagounis is a more rough and tumble midfielder, building off of set pieces and serving as a unique link between the current squad, the 2010 one, and the miracle European champs of 2004.

Hip-Star: If Karagounis is the overexposed Captain Jack of the Piratiko, Kostas Fortounis is the too often forgotten swashbuckler Will Turner. Having sliced and diced defenses at age 16, he's still just 21 and could, nay, should be the future of Greek soccer. Unless the powers-that-be assume that the "over exposed" are really the talented ones.

X-Factor: The aging backbone of Greece's defense is as creaky as a hull peppered with cannonballs (wow, I really like that pirate trope don't I?). But it was superb in qualifying allowing six goals in 12 matches...half of them in one game against Edin Dzeko and Bosnia. Of course they won't face Dzeko in Brazil, but are Radamel Falcao, Didier Drogba and Keisuke Honda really an easier squad of opponents?

Coach: Greece's best run at a tournament since 2004 came in a quarterfinal run in 2012 under the eyes of Fernando Santos who seems to be on a ceaseless county fair pirate ship ride swinging between Portuguese and Greek teams, every two or three years. So, get ready Portugal, he's due back soon.

Credit to "The Howler"

History: In two cups the Greeks have one win over Nigeria in 2010. And while the glory of 2004 still shines brightly, it's not much in comparison with the World Cup struggles. But if they can ever find that old map where X marks the spot...well.

Food: I'm grateful that Greek cuisine is often cooking free: yogurt/olives/feta cheese. While Kalamari is tempting (and a little squid might fit nicely with the pirate theme, making my own Tzatziki for pita dipping may be just the thing for lounging, watching and snacking.

Fool: Oh, Greece, if your national team is a pirate ship, your political scene is the Titanic. Bickering, infighting disastrous elections and worst of all: Golden Dawn the Neo Nazi Group led by Nikolaos Michaloliakos. Any credit given to triumphs by the all Greek squad will be coopted...the punks.

Best Case: Somehow the glory days of the old Greek squad come back, plundering Brazil for its ragamuffin riches, getting a miraculous Quarterfinal spot over a bedraggled Group D offering, and Fernando Santos sets up a glorious return to Portugal...perhaps as the new national manager there.

Worst Case: All the underwhelming, worn down, exhausted Greek days of Cups gone by are back in force and they exit meekly in fourth place....the real Greek team having retired 10 years ago, living like Kings in Patagonia.

My prediction: Despite the strong showing in qualifying, The Pirate Ship's days of riding a stalwart defense to victory are ten years gone, and no clear attacking game plan has emerged since for Greece. I can't see them find a strategy that makes a huge difference within a tricky group C. Without a swash to buckle it's sad, but true: 4th Place--0 points

Added Bouns: Less because of what he is and more because it's my chance to spite Golden Dawn, the World Cup of Hip Hop spot goes to Killah P aka Pavlos Fyssas.

Meet the Team: Germany

Nickname: Nationalelf (national eleven) to their countrymen Die Mannschaft (the team) to the rest of the world. The Germans are all business, there's a shock.

Nein, nein, nein!

Star: The Germans are stacked in the midfield, where studs like Lukas Podolski, Bastian Schweinsteiger, Mesut Özil, Thomas Müller, Sami Khedira, and even rising stars André Schürrle, and Mario Götze. Rather than choosing between them all, I'll go the lame route and point out the keeper who ended Iker Casillas' reign as World Keeper of the year: Manuel Neuer who grabbed attention in 2010 and has held on to it ever since.

Hip-Star: With Germany taking only one proven striker (Miroslav Klose) to the cup, distribution and defense have never been more valuable. So we suggest you show off your arcane knowledge of German football by highlighting Mats Hummels, who paces things out of a Left Back position, and will have to hustle back in defense to keep up with speedy attacks from Portugal and Ghana (without the overexposed brother v. brother plotline of the Boateng brothers).

Great coach...better scarf model

X-Factor: The last four years have seen an unprecedented rise in stature for the Bundesliga going from European also ran (behind the Premiership, La Liga and Serie A) to an international force. Munich, Dortmund, Schalke, Leverkusen, every thing's going German of late, the more national team members prep against the world's best on a week in-week out basis, the better prepared they are to face international opponents (as Spain found after La Liga's rise in 2008).

Coach: An oddity in International futbol, Joachim Löw has managed the German national squad since July 13th 2006--making this the 8th year of his reign atop German football. Over that time he's 70-18-15, for a 68% winning percentage. That kind of methodical efficiency seems appropriate for Germany.

History: Since for the 1950 World Cup (when they were banned), Germany has been to 16 straight World Cups, winning 3 times and never finishing worse than 7th. In the last 12 years they've made three straight trips to the Semis and surely expect the same again, no matter how tricky their group draw may be.

What else do you need?

Food: Cased meats + alcohol = fine german dining. Bratwurst, beer, and I'm done.

Fool: Angela Merkel seems to be keeping Europe afloat through sheer force of will at some points (no matter how absurdly fond of Vladmir Putin former chancellors seem to be), so we won't dare dispute her awesomeness...but if we hear one peep out of ultra-nationalist Udo Pastörs calling Mesut Özil or any foreign born player a "semen cannon"...we may have to reinvade.

Best Case: It all unfolds like clockwork--dominance against a difficult group, barely breaking a sweat against whomever Groups H, E and F throw up in the knock outs. And then using focused precision to rattle a Brazilian team worn out by partying before reclaiming their rightful trophy atop Europe from Spain.

Worst Case: A stunner at the hands of some Group G upstart (maybe Portugal in the first match?) unsettles them and forces them to settle for runner's up, despite topping Belgium they can't figure out Argentina and crash out in a humiliating quarterfinal spot that sends confidence in Merkel plummeting and the Euro into total collapse.

My prediction: Die Mannschaft are as methodical and machine like as ever, even in the intimidating Group G. While they'll be the best of a good group, they'll be even better in the knock out stages, where a lighter load of rivals gives them a clear path to the Semifinals before butting heads with Brazil, and--yet again--taking 3rd place (this time from Argentina)

Added Bonus: Just to spite Udo, and to encourage more diversity on the German squad we offer a voice from the Turko-German Hip Hop scene: Eko Fresh with "Der Gerät"

Meet the Team: France

Nickname: Les Bleus derive their name from the permanent gloom and ennui that pervades their nation...oh and the flag...that too.

Ribery accpeting SPECTRE's
Employee of the Year Award

Star: Franck Ribéry might just be the Frenchiest looking French man we have ever seen. Honestly, between the close cut hair, the suave style and the fierce scar he looks like he belongs in a café, smoking a cigarette, debating the meaning of life and plotting to annex the world's means of cheese making. Fortunately he confines his dastardly plotting to the world of goal creation, and does so with aplomb.

Hip-Star: Pundits have tapped Paul Pogba of Juventus as the next big thing in French (and perhaps European) football. Of course that means he is SOO yesterday. Instead we recommend Antoine Griezmann who can play both in the midfield and up as a striking complement to his fellow La Liga attacker Karim Benzema. Of course, in the spirit of being French about it, don't mention his name right away, roll your eyes, mutter it offhandedly and then smoke your cigarette/candy cigarette.

X-Factor: France rightly deserves the title of Team Turmoil. Last time around they nearly staged a mid-tournament strike (and certainly played like the were more interested in riding the bench than running around in Africa). They (including Ribéry) been implicated in prostitution rings, the national association has been accused of having a quota on foreign born or Francophone kids. Even the good old days have drama attached (see: History)

The one image that unites
all three of these sections

Coach: In an attempt to reclaim their glory days (see: History), the French went to the well of former champions and hired Laurent Blanc. Then Blanc got caught in scandal (see: X-Factor), and they turned to Didier Deschamps, former captain of both the Cup winning and the Euro winning teams of '98 and 2000. He didn't get them to pass Spain during qualifying but a miracle comeback against Ukraine got them this far, much farther? Who's to say?


History: For a while the French and Spaniards were vying for the title of "best teams never to win the cup", then the French capitalized on home turf, winning it all in 1998 and winning Europe two years later (setting the tone of dominance the Spanish have emulated lately). But they tend to alter great performances tinged with drama (race relations and a title in 1998), with lousy performances and even more drama (crashing out in the first round in 2002 amid feuding players and losing even more in 2010 amid feuding players and coaches).

A bombe slightly smaller than
Monsuier Hollande.

Food: Do you have healthy arteries? Why on earth? There's French cooking to destroy those for you! Between sauteeing more or less everything in butter, coating everything in wine sauces and then injecting pastry with every flavor imaginable. There's no limit to the boundaries of French cooking, but since I'm not that talented, I'm going with a safe, secure Bombe Glacée...three layers of icecream.

Fool: It takes a special person out fool gnomish former president Nicolas Sarkozy and right wing nut Marie Le Pen, but fortunately President François Hollande is quite special. After all, overseas he's a modern day Rambo, and at home he's a modern day Warren Harding. The man's even scooting around Paris between the palace and his mistress, and that's not even the reason the hyper-tolerant French have given him the worst approval rating since World War II.

Best Case: Blessed with a fortunate draw (blame FIFA heir apparent Michel Platini), they cruise to the quarters, get a stirring win against the Germans before falling to Brazil and snatching third place.

Worst Case: It's Déja Vu all over again as the French fall to last place amid frustration and in-fighting, squandering a golden opportunity and losing Pogba to a career ending injury on the way.

My prediction: If it seems like Les Bleus always get the lucky breaks, it's because they do. Now they finally can capitalize on it. Those blessings should keep coming throughout Group E and into the 2nd Round against a less intimidating runner up than any of the other groups. Falling in the Quarterfinals to Germany, might not be ideal, but it's a good sight better than they expected after 2010, or even after qualifying.

Added Bonus: French Hip-hop is one of the best established brands in the Western World, and from that plethora of talent we choose Don Gyeco with "Dans Ma Rue" because he has an album cover that alludes to a classical painting. We are nerds.