Waning Seconds: Groups C & D

Let's take a quick glimpse at exactly what must be done for teams to qualify, or, in the case of others not heading in to the last round of matches.

MORNING--
Costa Rica V.s. England
Coming into the cup if you had said that one of these teams would be qualified and the other would be mulling whether to prolong their vacation or head home, you'd have heard most Brits agree with you...but it's the Lions heading home and Los Ticos preparing for the next stage. Like Colombia, Costa Rica needs to decide how much to push versus how much to rest, luckily so does England.

Italy V.s. Uruguay
Here's a tantalizing match up. Both teams need points to get the second spot in the group (and could-- with a theoretically large enough margin of victory and a British win over Costa Rica--top the group themselves and avoid Colombia). Italy could be through with a draw but Uruguay won't just let that happen, and since Pirlo has been proficient at picking out strikers on long breaks, bank on the Azurri to let their rivals bring it on, in the hope of springing an attack right after.


AFTERNOON--

Colombia V.s. Japan

Los Cafeteros are already through, but have been in fantastic form, so their question is do they keep the momentum going and build up to the next round, or do they hold back and rest for the pressure to come? That decision will have a major effect on Japan who has been sloppy and floppy in their last three halves of football. They need a win to have any chance at all, and don't look close to getting it from a full strength Colombia.

Cote D'Ivoire V.s. Greece
Les Elephants are on the verge of finally breaking through, finally giving Didier Drogba the knockout round shot he's deserved for 8 years. A draw would be a start--though they can't stand to see a two goal margin in Japan's favor as that would knock them out regardless of their victory over the Samurai, so it's safer to go for victory again. The Greeks are somehow still clinging to life, though they need both a win over the far more organized and energetic Ivorians and a Colombian win/draw against Japan. That's a lofty order, and the only thing lofty about the Greeks at the moment is their age.

3 On/3 Off: Matches 24-26

Half-way home in the first round we've seen some surprising victories, more surprising losses and quite frankly stunning goals. But there can only be three substitutions made each match(day) so let's see who's coming on, and who's heading off.

ON: Jorge Luis Pinto--Costa Rica's coach has done a marvelous job of preparing Los Ticos to play against three of the legends of World Futbol with absolutely no fear. Three decades of coaching experience with minimal success on the world stage has all been wiped away with two thrilling matches and tremendous strategy. If you're an American, you know all about coaching darlings who take a Cinderella deep in the NCAA Tournament en route to a better job...Jorge Luis Pinto is their non-union Costa Rican equivalent.
OFF: Mario Balotelli's Love Life--The Italian striker who spends his down time collecting Panini stickers of himself, and making jokes about getting a smooch from Queen Elizabeth, seemed to have put much more preparation into those gags and not nearly as much into preparing an attack against Costa Rica. Sorry Mario, you and HRH will be a missed connection, yet again.

ON: Everything Karim Benzema Does--He's only on three goals, though he has a case for two more (the rebound off the Honduran keeper which should not be an own goal/the final whistle strike against Switzerland, since you shouldn't whistle dead a match on an attack). Even without the goals, he's been integral to making everything happen for France, the goals, the goals against, the celebrations, the crepes suzette.
OFF: Diego Benaglio--The Swiss Keeper's tepid, depressed showing was utterly exposed by France until his teammates boosted their goal differential by netting two late goals. Worse still, by getting compared constantly with Swiss Cheese, he risks single-handedly tanking the Swiss economy*.

*Note, I know that's not true...but hey, stereotypes are funny...

ON: The Other Valencia--Enner is his name and driving La Tri is his game. As Ecuador strides towards a showdown with France, their chances of a knockout round spot are in doubt, not in doubt is the media's fondness for the Ecuadorian striker who has hurdled to the top spot of teams' summer transfer must have list. A modest proposal: Valencia? He's got your name written all over him.
OFF: The Letter "H"--Honduras' nickname? "La H" A fact the Letter H can't be too happy about right now. For as many bad teams as there have been in the cup (Cameroon and Spain come to mind), Honduras is the only one that combines brutally thuggish defense, with unblinking use of handballs, with zero attacking inspiration. The longer they go, the more Sesame Street must be considering pulling the letter's cushy sponsorship deal.

The second weekend of action seems just as promising as the past week. I'll even be trying to go out and party with real live people (rather than just my pets--who appreciate the companionship but don't care much for the football).

3 On/3 Off: Matches Twenty-One through Twenty-Three

It's been a week since the cup opener, and we're rapidly approaching make or break time for a squadron of teams. How they fare will depend largely on how they are feeling heading into their final match. With that said, let's look at who's up and who's down after Thursday.

ON: James Rodriguez--For all the wailing and gnashing of teeth about the absence of Radamel Falcao, James Rodriguez has been more than equal to the challenge of representing Colombia and representing them well. Twice Man-of-the-Match, capable of besting one of Europe's top defenses, and flying over the legendary Didier Drogba for another, he's the Visa card of Colombia--every where they wanna be.
OFF: Wilfried Bony--We've been backing Bonny Mr. Bony since last August, believing that he's the future of Ivorian striking. Instead it's been the Gervinho show (though, clearly he's earned it). A Bony threat against the Greeks would go a long way to pushing the Elephants into an energetic, enthusiastic squad worthy of the last 16.

ON: Luis Suarez--The dominant force in Uruguay's great run of results in recent years was back with a vengeance not seen since Die Hard movies were thrilling and not silly. A couple great runs, a couple more lucky bounces, and always, always a cold blooded finishing strike. It lifts up all Liverpool during the winter, and it just crushed all of Liverpool (as well as Blackpool, Hartepool and Richard Branson's Mansion Pool) this afternoon.
OFF: My smile--Watching him steal a goal from Ghana was dastardly. Hearing him be hailed for it as "a gutsy team play" was stupid. Seeing him feted and hailed as a genius sets my teeth on edge. I don't like to root against people, so Mr. Suarez, while you are undoubtedly talented, I do not like you, not one little bit.

ON: Giorgios Karagounis--The first half substitute came on when Greece was at their lowest ebb. Down to 10 men, having lost top striker Konstantinos Mitroglou to injury, the old salt Karagounis came through with serious defense on Japan's top talent Keisuke Honda. With Honda limited to free kicks, the Greeks stayed in the match all the way to their bloodless draw.
OFF: Japanese Finishing--Seriously Japan? Seriously? The Greeks were down to 10 men. Their defense was exposed hither and yon by Colombia, and while you're not as impressive as they are to not get anything for an entire hour worth of chance after chance against a backup keeper...you can only miss so many golden chances before you and your lead footed finishing get exposed.

Mini celebrated her first right prediction today...namely that England would be full of stress but rejuvenated by a couple strong runs down the park. Of course, she didn't say that rejuvenation would lead to a win...so let's call it good. How she fares tomorrow with Switzerland and France set to square off for the marbles of Group E, we shall see.

3 On/3 Off: Matches Five-Eight

Saturday was a wild and wonderful day of futbol, covering four matches across the mass of Brazil featuring past cup winners, favorites, dark horses, and supposed also rans. Rather than giving an On/Off award for each match, here were the big themes from the day.

ON: Young Defenders--Oscar Duarte and Pablo Armero each struck a marvelous goal, taking their relative inexperience and lack of mainstream exposure and tossing it out the window. Speed, pace and strength served them well, both in shutting down their opponent attacks and in adding a new dimension to their team's attack.
OFF: "Veteran" Defenders--For all the talk that you need a strong veteran presence in the back to ground your squad during the game's premier event, it sure didn't do much to help two of the most veteran lines in the Cup: Greece and Uruguay. The Greeks got picked apart, and the Uruguyans looked first creaky, and then increasingly cranky when they drew a raft of cards to make an even bigger hole than their two goal deficit.

ON: Myth Making of Legends--Running errands, and experiencing life with my wife, I did not let the matches consume my day. But ESPN certainly has their opinions about what happened: "Balotelli Beat England"; "Drogba Distracts Japan"; "Colombia Overcomes the Loss of Falcao" and "Suarez's Absence Leads to Shock Defeat". Basically, if you're a star, you're responsible for everything...good to know, eh?
OFF: Role Players Grabbing Headlines--As a result of the ma-star-bating media, anybody else looking for some credit can just keep right on looking...the attacks of Junior Diaz and Christian Gamboa for Costa Rica...nothing; Claudio Marchiso's first goal for the Azurri...nothing; the Ivorians youthful combo of Wilfried Bony and Gervinho...nothing. Well, that's what we're for I guess.

ON: Loving Futbol--People who actually watched the matches are obviously fans first and critics second, but it was amazing to see the burst of pure love on Twitter for the game: Joel Campbell is suddenly everyone's must have transfer target, Daniel Sturridge has runs that are something out of a smart phone game, we're all watching and ranting and cheering together. That's what we love.
OFF: Hating Referees--After a pretty bad first pair of matches, the referee bashing has (thankfully) taken a back seat to the players, plays, events and actions. The more invisible the men with the whistles get, the better for all of us.

It's Father's Day so stay tuned for a special post on how my father learned to love the game alongside his sons. And also--you know--watch the big matches of the day: Switzerland/Ecuador, France/Honduras, and a great capstone: Argentina/Bosnia. 

Meet the Team: Uruguay

Nickname: Uruguay set the tone for all nicknames going with the simplicity of the kit color: La Celeste--"The Sky Blue"


Star: No doubt about it, Luis Suárez is the star of the show, having passed his old running mate Diego Forlan to be the all time leading goal scorer in Uruguay's history (in 30 matches less than it took Forlan). Of course, he's also something of a nut job--what with the whole berating rivals, biting people's ears, and stymying other teams by playing goalkeeper for the hell of it.

Hip-Star: While I normally lean towards younger players you've never heard of, but given the tonnage of press that surrounds the strikers and Champions' League squads, it seems right to nod to Diego Lugano the veteran captain of the team, and a man who was just unceremoniously dumped by West Bromwich Albion earlier this month. Whatever man, his new stuff is totally underrated.

X-Factor: For all the talent and potential of Uruguay, there's a whole lot of inconsistency in the team too. They scraped the fifth place spot into the playoff against Jordan, and couldn't muster any wins against Cup bound teams away from home. Add in Suarez's tendency to exit early, and you may have the next victim of the Semi-final curse (See Turkey, Croatia, Sweden).

Still stinging Brazil

Coach: Óscar Wáshington Tabárez (No idea why he has the middle name Washington) has a smuch experience with his team as anyone. Having led the way through two entire cups, a semi-final spot and a Copa America victory, he has earned the title of "el maestro"--the primary school teaching helped too.


History: Sure it was over 50 years ago, but Uruguay are twice champions, including the last time the cup was held in Brazil. Of course that was when manager Tabárez was three years old...so they can't exactly draw on past experiences to help the cause.

Food: While Uruguay thrives on adopting popular flavors from other places in the world, most of them have already gotten a shout out in these posts. But not the Armenian contingent--so congrats Armenia, your Lahmajun stands in for Uruguay's food.

Dictator, or Bond Villian Minion?

Fool: The Economist recently named Uruguay, "Country of the Year"for 2013, which means we have to dredge up national history--fortunately there's martial law enforcing, torture endorsing, ex-president Aparicio Méndez. Good ol' Aparicio was also president during back to back failed World Cup Qualification rounds.

Best Case: Suárez stakes his claim to being the best striker in the world--fighting off Balotelli and Rooney in the group stage, tops Drogba in the second round, Villa in the Quarters, Messi in the semis and the Neymar in the finals for the third title.

Worst Case: Suárez draws a red card in the first match against Costa Rica, and Forlan's age catches up to him as they settle for a draw. Without him the team is no match for England, and the aging defense is even more exploited by Italy as they crash out in an embarrassing 4th place.

My prediction: Congratulations Uruguay, despite the educator's bond with El Maestro, you've passed Italy on the list of teams I actively root against. Sure it's spiteful and stupid, but so help me, that's the man I am. I'll grudgingly grant you a trio of draws as an exhausted Suárez falters in the heat...but that can hang you just as well as anything else. 3rd Place--3 points

Added Bonus: Let's close out the World Cup of Hip-Hop with an independent voice: MC Jo with "Vos y Yo"

Meet the Team: Italy

Nickname: Like the rival French, Italy just goes by their color, though Azzuri sounds quite a bit more interesting than Les Bleus.

Super Mario has a lot of good cries

Star: Poster child for bad boy soccer stars (if you believe such a thing exists), is Mario Balotelli: "unmanageable" in the eyes of some managers, "insanely gifted" in the eyes of others, lightning rod for critics of "the right way to play", target of red cards everywhere, idol of those who fixate on "the beautiful game". One of the most famous players in the world, Super Mario will be vital to the Azzuri's chances in Brazil.

Hip-Star: Balotelli gets the goals, Buffon gets the armband, Pirlo gets the Nike ads, Chellini gets responsibility for the whole defense, and somewhere in the midst of all that Riccardo Montolivo quietly does his job as distributor, defender and all around lynchpin. Learn the name, and repeat it frequently so you can say, "I was a fan of Montolivo before it was cool to be a fan of Montolivo".

X-Factor:  Italy's life long philosophy of play is simple: defend, defend, defend and stun them at the end. Sometimes that works like a charm (see Cannavaro, Fabio in 2006), sometimes it works terribly (see Cannavaro, Fabio in 2010). Defense is less a focus than it has been in recent years, whether the shift in style will hold, or pan out, has yet to be seen.

Cesare wondering
about the name sake

Coach: After Marcello Lippi first saved the day, and then ruined the day, Italy turned their attention to Cesare Prandelli who has boosted the squad to strong showings at Euro 2012 and last year's Confederation's Cup. Those accomplishments are impressive, though Italy tends to prefer hardware rather than impressive results.

History: 4 gold stars on the crest mean 4 total championships. There was almost a 44 year gap between the second and third, and a 24 year gap between the third and fourth. In between there's a tale of feast and famine, washing out in group stages as often as they make the semi-finals, whether that's a predictable disaster or just a random coincidence we'll see soon enough.

Food: There's really no shortage of great Italian food, but I'm most excited to try a recipe I learned a few years ago: Budino di Rossi a sweet risotto pudding cooked in amaretto with dried fruits. I know...gourmet and alcoholic!

I do not want to call you Silvio

Fool: Some countries have dictators, some have bigots, and Italy has Silvio Berlusconi, the only man with less impulse control than Charlie Sheen, a man so doofish-ly full of himself that even Mario Balotelli thinks he needs to reevaluate his ego. A man convicted of corrupt dealings, who still thinks he should run the country. God bless you Silvio, you beautiful, beautiful moron.

Best Case: Stinging from the embarrassment four years ago, a motivated Italy comes through with a sterling performance against a tough group (including England and Uruguay), as well as whatever woebegone sucker sneaks out of group C, then stun Spain in the quarters, lock down Messi and get steal the title, getting revenge on Brazil for poor old Roberto Baggio.

Worst Case: Balotelli gets a red card inside of five minutes against England, aging stars Buffon and Pirlo get injured in the first 10, Italy gets bounced in three games and everyone laughs.

My prediction: Just 8 years ago they were the best in the World, just 4 years ago they were the worst in the field. This time they'll be where they belong, just about in the middle. Wins to start their run will get them confidence, and a second round date with underperforming Colombia. Of course, Italian confidence plus Colombian motivation equals an upset, but hey, for at least a week they'll look incredible. Round of Sixteen (Group Winners)

Added Bonus: Having honored a couple of Milan players, it's only right to honor a Milan based group, so here's the shout out to Club Dogo with dude bro party anthem "Michina Boh"

Meet the Team: England

I know...the 10 Tiny Roses!

Nickname: The Three Lions are so called because their logo has three lions on it. Okay, so it wasn't the most challenging nickname development process, but at least it's not another obvious color nickname.

Star: It's time for the second of the four soccer players your non-soccer-fan friends might know about: Wayne Rooney. A man as well known for his goal scoring acumen, as for his omnipresence in Nike commercials, his public persona and pleas for transfers, and his alleged sexual indiscretions. The source of all credit for England's triumphs and scapegoat for all their struggles, if you ever refer to English soccer just focus on saying "F*ing Rooney"--either sadly if they lose, or proudly if they win.

Hip-Star: Identifying an under-the-radar English player is a little like identifying a under-the-radar member of the Beatles. On a recent trip to Denmark the big 5 British teams (Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool, Manchester Utd and Manchester City) employed 17 of the 28 players (2 of those others were third/fourth string keepers). Since so many eyes are on Rooney up top I'll stick with Phil Jagieleka who serves as an excellent defender, plays for lesser renowned Everton, and comes from Polish ancestry. Let's go ahead and call him the George Harrison of the group.

The Economist, Snarkily photo-
shopping since forever.

X-Factor: While the Premier League is the highest profile league in the world, it also is the most globalized league in the world. That's great news for the bosses who sell broadcast rites around the world, and apparently terrible news for enemies of globalization in football. After all, globalized Premier League Rosters mean more foreigners in England, and fewer opportunities for local English players. If England fails this summer you can count on some people blaming the globalized league for retarding the growth of the English players. (If they succeed...then they'll blame the globalized leagues for something else..)

Coach: Why anyone would want to be England's manager escapes me (in American terms it's like the scrutiny for managing the Yankees, coaching Notre Dame football and running for President), still Roy Hodgson has the job, has committed to building the young players up for future glory, and seems happy with it...for now...

History: Fun fact, did you know the English really, really, really like soccer? Like a lot? Probably because they helped invent and popularize it around the world? And yet they've only won the World's biggest event one time (1966) and since then have been consigned to floundering also ran status in a way that makes them nothing so much as the Chicago Cubs of World soccer.

Food: While working in former colonial outposts of the British Empire, I have often been excited to see signs offering "PIE". I expect, naturally, a warm and fruity desert. Then bite in to find a savory meat/vegetable combination...disappointing if you expect fruit, quite delightful if you are in the mood for deliciousness. So all hail the Pie or Meat Pie (if you prefer specificity) or Cornish Pasty.

Seriously, that's how Farage laughs

Fool: Remember what I said about hating globalization? Yeah, that's the rallying cry of the Independence Party (UKIP) led by Nigel Farage who wants England and the whole of the UK out of the EU and stricter quotas on immigration. It's less a racial issue and more a European one...so all the Italians, Spaniards, Russians and Dutch running the biggest clubs in England are a real favorite

Best Case: In England's wildest dream they top their group, knock out Chelsea run away Didier Drogba in the Round of 16, stun Spain in the quarters, unveil the man behind the curtain by curtailing Lionel Messi and Argentina in the semis and then grab the cup by demolishing either rival Germany or host Brazil. Then Sepp Blatter comes to them crying and pleading for them to take the 2018 Cup away from the conniving, invading, spooky Russians.

Worst Case: In England's most recurring dream, they cannot stop prolific Premiership scorers past (Mario Balotelli--Italy) or present (Luis Suarez--Uruguay), and then get worked over by Costa Rica for good measure to send them home with zero points in three tries.

My prediction: When it comes to England and the World Cup two things are certain. 1) They could be great; 2) They'll get in their own way. I'd bet on an opening loss to Italy to make the press frantic, and then a rally of results to first qualify for the second round, and then best Ivory Coast before bowing to Brazil in the Quarterfinals.

Added Bonus: The hottest thing in English hip-hop right now is "Grime" style, led by top seller Plan B and one of his biggest albums "Ill Manors"

Meet the Team: Costa Rica

Nickname: Los Ticos take their nickname from the nickname for the entire country, a little like America's being the Yanks, or the French being the Frogs.

Ruiz (L) and Campbell (R)

Star: Captain and star striker Bryan Ruiz has definitely flown the highest, topping squads in Holland and making a strong showing for a season or so with Fulham. Now that he's joined by Olympiakos wunderkind Joel Campbell he's a little more free to use his experience to tear up rival defenses.

Hip-Star: The most capped mid-fielder in the Costa Rican line-up is also one of it's youngest. At 25 Celso Borges  already has 61 appearances in the Red, White and Blue. His experience, value to the run of play and the fact that he plays for AIK (oh, you haven't heard of AIK, it's only like...the Swedish Club) and has some valuable European league experience makes him an obvious choice.

X-Factor: Life on the road is not terribly kind to Costa Rica. While they love the home cooking of life at home, they haven't taken a point from a World Cup qualified opponent since a draw against Mexico in Estadio Azteca back in June of 2013. And a trio of losses against Chile, South Korea and everybody pundit's whipping boy--Australia--don't bode well either. They'll need to win on hostile territory to have a chance.

Ahora, como se cuesta
el refrigerador actualmente?

Coach: As Colombia turned from locals to foreigners, their last Cup Qualifying coach turned a little farther north for his next chance. Jorge Pinto did the needful this time around, getting the Ticos back to the Mondiale. The fact that he looks like he should follow every match by announcing the winner of a brand new Dodge Durango on Costa Rica's version of The Price Is Right is an added bonus.

History: Even though they only have three appearances to their name, Costa Rica have quietly established themselves as the third point in the North American Triangle (alongside historic leaders Mexico, and the obviously empowered Americans). Three Cups in four tries (and a heartbreaking playoff loss to Uruguay) suggest that they're becoming a fixture--now if they can just get out of the first round.

Hearty enough for even Group D

Food: Though this World Cup will be aired at manageable times, there's still a part of me that will miss soccer with breakfast. Fortunately, Gallo Pinto (a breakfast-y mix of rice, beans, onions and red peppers) seems like a perfectly satisfying side-dish anytime of day.

Fool: I'm writing this on the eve of Luis Guillermo Solís' inauguration as Costa Rica's first president from a third party in history. He's too new to be mockable, but the insatiable Presidency of Óscar Arias --he of the Noble Peace Prize in 1987 and the Grover-Cleveland-Esque Nonconsecutive Terms-- is...seriously, Óscar, get your muttonchops in order.

Best Case: After stunning an overconfident Uruguay, the momentum carries them to a draw against Italy and a victory over equally unlucky England giving them a shot in the second round.

Worst Case: The odd man out of the powerhouse Group D, Costa Rica is picked on worse than a little brother asking out his first date, Ruiz and Cambell never get going and the squad heads home for three more years of waiting.

My prediction: Los Ticos are perhaps the most underrated side in the CONCACAF, and perhaps the unluckiest side in the World Cup, getting slotted with three teams who each have a claim to be title contenders. They'll make it difficult for someone, but not easy for themselves. 4th in Group--1 point

Added Bonus: Producer Bloke and Star Tiko305 team up for easily the most cinematic video yet in our Hip-Hop World Cup