UEFA WIBD: If you're going to San Ma-rino...

It will be a rare day in the land of FIFA World Cup qualifiers when this Wednesday we see only 6 games on the docket. But, this kind of scheduling quirk is actually ideal for our now fairly regularly installments in the series chronicling the trials and tribulations of underdog teams.

"So...Europe?"

If you can't tell, I don't really look at Europe and see underdogs. Europe's where the power in FIFA lies (and will lie whenever old white man Sepp Blatter decides to cede power to slightly-less-old-white-man Michel Platini). Europe's where the biggest leagues are. Europe's where the biggest stars play their club football. Europe's won the last two world cups (with closest rival Brazil looking absolutely bored with trying to keep up). In Europe the question is not whether or not they should host the world cup, but WHO among them should host it.

But all that power is not equally spread among all European nations. Sure England, France, Holland and their fellow continental powers dominate practically every single award category and conversation about the sport, but those countries have to go through the qualifying process like anybody else. Two poor results and suddenly those Goliaths might go reeling. After all England, france and Holland have each missed a cup in the past two decades--so there's a chance (however mind-bogglingly miniscule) that a non-power could slip in via some choice upsets.

So, in that spirit, we're rooting for an avalanche of upsets to tilt the tables in favor of the tiny nation known as San Marino. Though the Sammarinese might boast of their millenium old sovereigncy or 400-year-old constitution, they have little to boast of on the pitch thanks to a record of 1 Win, 4 Draws, 119 losses.

Hint, Palazzi is the one not getting the ball...

To be fair, with only 32,000 people within its boundaries San Marino has fewer people than Butte, Montana; so perhaps if San Marino and Butte joined forces the team could be twice as good (and totally prepped for playing at high altitudes).


But more likely, the team known as La Serenissima ("The Serene") will be content to draw from their own local pool of semi-pro players in an effort to catch lightning in a bottle and inspire a new wave of talent. The team does boast two players in (the lowest rungs of) Italian football in 25 year old Defender Mirko Palazzi, and 23 year-old Forward Allesandro Bianchi.

While the team has (unsurprisingly) yet to score a goal in 3 qualifiers while (again, unsurprisingly) allowing 13, they can take solace in the fact that they are only 2 points behind Ukraine and still technically alive for the World Cup. And sure that road to Brazil will require several big wins to erase their goal deficit and perhaps a nuclear disaster that wipes England off the map, but maybe, just maybe this can become reality.

Dream on San Marino, Dream on.

OFC WIBD Solomon Islands

It's time for another edition of my occasionally recurring series, honoring the minnow to watch in the next round of qualifying...even if the qualifying has already started and I'm actually way behind in making these posts.

This time around, we're honoring the Solomon Islands the "Well I'll Be Darned" candidate from Oceania's OFC. That oft overlooked corner of the FIFA globe that consists of New Zealand and....everybody else.

And yet, everybody else has done alright of late. Heck, Tahiti managed to win the regional cup this summer to book their spot at the Confederations Cup next year in Brazil (where they will face Spain, Brazil and a host of other countries poised to beat them up and take their lunch money). So what does it take to come out of a pack of disrespected, underanalyzed nations as the most disrespected and the least analyzed?

Fear the Fish

Well consider that in all recent FIFA rankings the Bonitos have ranked fourth out of the four remaining OFC candidates, and that when the final round began they were 174th in the world, behind already eliminated Vanuatu, Samoa and Tonga.


But there's hope afoot for the team named after predatory tuna*! (*Yes there's a predatory tuna, so remember that the next time you open a can of cheap fish-type substance, you may be eating a ravenous beast!) With three points in the bag, and three matches left (starting tomorrow at New Caldonia). The Solomon Islands can still make a come back. First they need to win against New Cali, a team in only its third world cup campaign. Then they take on bottom feeding Tahiti (still basking in the glow of their imminent destruction in Brazil next summer). Wins in both of those matches could set up an all important final fight against the Kiwis IN the Solomons.

The one and only
Henry Fa'arodo
(footballzz.com)

Sure, the local press has relegated the national team to the back pages of the sports section. (The futsal team gets all the coverage...stupid futsal.) But that doesn't mean that the Solomon's don't have a shot, it just means that it will be even more surprising when they triumph!

What's more, with the well-capped and beautifully coiffed Henry Fa'arodo in midfield, the island nation's attack has plenty of promise whenever it heads down the pitch. And while Fa'arodo may be in the twilight of his international career he has certainly paved the way for a new generation to continue the Solomon's slow rise to regional prominence. Fa'arodo may still be the only Solomonder to make it to Australia's A-League, but others like Benjamin Totori and Nelson Kilifa have joined him overseas, or rather, over a sea. And with 20-year-old striker Gagame Feni starting his career in New Zealand, the next level may well be just around the corner for all of the Solomons.

We'll have to wait and see if the next level comes to them even sooner in the World Cup.

Literature + Futbol = Nerdery Personified

Okay, so I love football, I even call it football even though my fellow Americans prefer to call that thing where you throw/carry the ball with your hands "football". But I also love books, and I love combining the two whenever possible.

With another round of World Cup matches right around the corner I thought I'd break down the favorites in the nerdiest way possible: through the odds on favorites to win the Nobel Prize in Literature (according to ladbrokes betting house...which places bets on everything from intellectual achievement to whether or not anyone ever reads this post....oooh, 9 Zillion to 1...I LIKE THOSE ODDS!!)

Rather than look at everyone on the list I'll suggest that the top 10 favorites may well inspire their teams to victories in the near future. (Even though #3 Mo Yan of China and #10 Adonis of Syria can't inspire their local sides to Cup qualification...what with those teams already losing and everything)

Does he wanna talk about Japan's
chances against France or Brazil

Most of the top 10 writers can already claim to support powerful teams. Top of the list is Haruki Murakami, he of the wild and stylistically invigorating 1Q84...though the Tengu Warriors have friendlies against titans France and Brazil but don't play another cup qualifier until November, you've got to like their odds against Oman as they look to move on to the Mundial.

Similar good fortune may be in the offing for Ladbrokes' other Goliath writers: #4 Alice Munro (Canada v. Cuba); #6 Bob Dylan...yes that Bob Dylan... (USA V. Antigua & Barbuda) #7 Cees Noteboom (Netherlands v. Andorra).  Heck, even #5 Peter Nadas, has to feel pretty good as his Hungary takes on Estonia...come on Estonia, you call that a couplet?

#8 Ngugi wa Thiong'o won't get to push the Harambee Stars through a qualifier (they wait 'til March to play top of their table Nigeria)...still! Kenya does have a friendly against South Africa next week. And if Thiong'o's got the momentum his team might upend the most recent African winner, J.M. Coetzee.

Pop-Quiz: is this Albanian author Ismail Kadare,
or Albanian captain Lorik Cana...I really don't know

And who knows what to expect when #9 Ismail Kadare of Albania has his nation face off with Iceland. Seriously, I don't know about Ismail Kadare or any players on either of those teams...I'm stumped.

But perhaps the biggest upset has already been prognosticated by looking at the 2nd favorite in the Ladbrokes odds: Irish poet William Trevor. Does this mean that the Irish will spring an upset on Germany in Dublin this Friday? (Especially since the Germans don't have anybody on Ladbrokes list?) Probably not...but hey! If I can't make wild conjectures here, where can I make them? Put it down! Ireland over Gemrany this Friday.

Blame it on the Grey

Perhaps most importantly...Ladbrokes longest of longshots this year is Fifty Shades of Grey author EL James whose English heritage may destroy the Three Lions if she wins and thereby uses up all their momentum against San Marino...yes. I hereby proclaim that if EL James wins the Nobel Prize in Literature (against 500/1 odds), then San Marino should definitely take the win against England (they're currently 400/1 according to Ladbrokes).

GO SAN MARINO!!

CONCACAF WIBD (Rd. 3) Guyana

Continuing on with our series of underdogs and unlikely qualifiers in need of a little love and support, we look into our own North American backyard in search of a team with grit, gumption, guts and other things that start with G (gorillas, gogo dancers, gefilte fish?).In that spirit we offer our Well-I'll-Be-Darned, Minnow to Watch: Guyana.

WEAR YELLOW!! (Guyana Times International)

Though Cuba is the lowest ranked team remaining they were given free passage to this round of the competition (the Castro's know that cigars are the secret to every international organization's heart), and though Antigua and Barbuda have shared the distinction of being a bottom-ranked local team, the Golden Jaguars have been consistently lower ranked than the others and had to struggle through a group including former World Cup darlings: Trinidad &Tobago's Soca Warriors.

Strangely, press on the Golden Jaguars is somewhere between scant and nonexistent. Local press blocks their websites so I have no idea what they think of the squad, but I do know what a British tv show thought of them back in 2010.


In case you don't want to watch...it's not good. Losing to a regional British semi-pro team isn't promising, and though Guyana does boast some talented relatives in world football, including Dewayne DeRosario of Canada, but none of those top players opt for Guyanese kits. The most decorated player is actually 32 year old defender Leon Cort of Charlton (in England's top minor league). Mr. Cort has 4 whole caps.

And yet! Here's Guyana. One round away from the final stage of CONCACAF competition. Heck they practically dominated their last round of competition, clinching a berth in the next round with a stellar victory against Trinidad and Tobago at home (over to you local sports reporter)



Thanks local sports reporter! Now sure, Guyana's been dealt a tough hand having been slammed hard in their first games against Costa Rica and Mexico. And yes, they haven't gotten a point from a game since May 4th (against titans Guadeloupe), and they haven't scored a goal in FIFA matches since since last November (and the above shown game against T&T) but they do have one of the coolest named coaches in all of football: Jamaal Shabaaz.

Coach Shabaaz will be sure to do what he can with a team led by North American Soccer League up and comer Nick Millington, and the aforementioned veteran Leon Cort. Whether or not it's enough, they've bucked the odds by getting here in the first place. And for that we salute them!

AFC WIBD Round 4: Stand Still and Conquer

We're back to the "Well-I'll-Be-Darned" awards, recognizing unlikely teams who still have a shot at qualifying for the World Cup Finals in Brazil.


We'll start with the team closest to qualification...the mighty Cedars of Lebanon the first team to ever win a regional WIBD Award two rounds running!

Yes, Lebanon moved on despite being the lowest ranked qualifier for the AFC's 3rd Round. This was a team that wasn't supposed to beat Bangladesh in Round 2. But they topped the Tigers and moved on to face the UAE, Kuwait and South Korea. None of whom they'd beaten in a World Cup competition over the last 20 years earning our praise in the process.

As many predicted, Lebanon suffered an early smack down at the hands of South Korea. But then beat the UAE at home, drew with Kuwait, beat Kuwait IN Kuwait City and pulled the biggest stunner of all: topping Asian giant South Korea 2-1 in Beirut to move on to the next round of the competition.

Despite my laziness and lackadaisical/nonexistent posting, Lebanon has continued on in the competition battling Korea (again), rising power Uzbekistan, fading power Iran, and embattled future cup hosts Qatar.

An early loss in Beirut to Qatar put the Trees on the ropes, and while they salvaged a point against the Uzbeks, another loss in South Korea have left them in dire need of as many points as possible, as quickly as possible.

Still, we remain optimistic that Lebanon can do just that. Start with the fact that the rest of the world has started to take notice. The UN used the symbol of a football team bringing unity to a war torn country as the basis for a unifying tv show. Even the BBC covered their rise to prominence. The Australian Socceroo's are a little worried ahead of an upcoming friendly match, and while Captain Roda Antar will be unavailable due to injury, the rest of the first squad should be available for the critical upcoming matches at home against Iran and in Qatar.

NOT Coach Bucker

Coach Theo Bucker (not revenge of the Nerds star: Booger) remains a focal point for the team. The players love him, even if the fans are dubious of his goalie choices, preferring local veteran Ziad Al-Samad, to Swedish based 23 year old novice Abbas Hassan. A summer time struggle to qualify for the regional Arab Cup increased the pressure on Bucker.

Still Bucker's got a vision to make the Cedars not just a success this year, but a constant presence in Asia's upper echelon, by mirroring the Japanese model of developing great local coaches and ensuring long term growth.

Nader Matar, a stylish young man
in need of a nickname

That effort will likely be helped by the rise of young international talents from the Lebanese diaspora. In addition to Hassan playing in Sweden other young talents like 22 year old Ahmad Zreik (in Greece) and Nader Matar (in Spain) promise to serve up balls to the prodigious young talent Hasaan Matoouk. {But seriously guys we need to come up with some nicknames, how about Nader "To"Matar? Huh? A little vegetable punning?)

It's been great to have a team not just to cheer for but to cheer for as they actually excel! We Montanan Soccer Hooligans will continue to rally as much support as we can for Lebanon. Fight on you mighty Cedars! Stand still and conquer!

MatchDay Culture Wars: Holland V. Turkey

As a new initiative on this site I'll post a quick look ahead at an upcoming World Cup Qualifier match day, in an effort to give fans without a vested interest in the match a choice in who to root for. Matches are picked at random (unless people actually vote in the poll at the right) and may be inspired by research and writing done by any interested students I have.

Giving "Turkey Swiss" a
whole new meaning

THIS WEEK: A guide to the biggest match in the first European Match Day--Holland V.s. Turkey.

On the pitch, there's lots to like about both Holland and Turkey. The Dutch have their Total Futbol style, their epic underdog heritage, their repeated defeats on the world's biggest stage, and their violent orange unis to recommend them. Turkey had an epic run to third place in 2002 and along with a century of great history they also have a rising young midfield talents in Nuri Sahin (Liverpool) and 18 year old Turk-Swiss, wunderkind Kerim Frei (Fulham).

But in case you don't pick your teams based on their talent, you might as well make your pick on two titans of Dutch and Turkish culture. We refer of course to Hall of Fame pitcher Bert Blyleven and Nobel Prize winning author, Orhan Pamuk! Which one is more your style, here are my suggestions.

For fans of complex literature, filled with difficult characters and emotional charged realizations about Islam's place in the Western World. Your choice should be Orhan Pamuk. That's what he does, and he does it darn well.

Don't we all?

But if you prefer fart jokes to literature, and just want a guy who will sit back, swear a little bit, talk about the good ol' days of quarter hot dogs, and never make you feel remotely bad about your creaky math skills. Bert Blyleven is your guy!


If you're someone who digs on subverting authority, never letting the man get them down and speaking truth to power, you'll probably like Pamuk. If you like statistical analyses with your sports and appreciate fine facial hair, you're more likely to go for Blyleven.

Most importantly of all. When choosing a cultural figure to like (and, by association, a team to root for) you should know exactly where they stand on the issue that brought you to this site and article in the first place: FUTBOL!

Pamuk on Futbol (from an interview with Der Spiegel): "The image that I remember most of all is of the Febernace players storming into the stadium before kickoff. They were called the canaries because of their yellow jerseys, it was as if they, like canaries, were fluttering into the stadium out of a hole. I loved it. It was poetry. It's like religion. I can't explain it."

Blyleven on Futbol: "April 6th is my Birthday!"

So, make of that what you will...will you cheer for the literary, rebellious, poetic fan Pamuk and Turkey? or The goofy, stat king, goofy Blyleven and Holland?

The superior team (and, by association, person) will be decided September 7th

Lessons from Euro 2012 3 On/3 Off

It's all over in Kiev (and in Poland too...but...meh, it's Poland). And, despite our stubborn insistence that Europe is just one confederation among many (rather than the grand masters of football artistry), there's much to note in the UEFA final tournament, so in that spirit here's our run down of the rising (3 On) and the falling (3 Off)

Yup, again (zeenews.india)

3 ON

1. Spain still sets the gold standard: Say what you will about the monotony of European competitions (Spain comes, Spain conquers, Everyone else mimics Spain), nobody can quite match La Roja's fluidity, grace and efficiency of play. It seems illogical that this can really last much longer, but until its proven otherwise: Spain and the Spanish style of play remains the style to beat (if you can)
2. Reports of Italy's Demise are greatly exaggerated: While many people [points ostentatiously at self] were giddy at Italy getting positively smashed at the last World Cup, the Azurri are not quite ready to be relegated to the second level of World Powers (unlike, say, France). Despite the probable end to careers of recent Cup winners Gianluigi Buffon and Andreo Pirlo; a future with Mario Balotelli and Daniele DiRossi can't be all bad.
3. I admit it...Europe's good...: Cheering for underdogs makes us perpetual Europe-baiters, we'd much rather see a World Cup final of Ghana v. Mexico, or even Tahiti V.s. Lebanon than another Italy v.s. Germany "clash of the titans". Still, if you're at all interested in pure talent on the pitch you can't complain while watching Europe send their best sides out into the fray. No matter how much I may whinge, the road to greatness still goes through the continent.

3 OFF

You stay classy, Croatia!
(nydailynews.com)

1. PKs are guaranteed to spoil a good game: When I was a kid I used to think that anything that wasn't a penalty shoot out was just plain boring. My brothers and I created a backyard game of it: all PKs, all the time. And maybe, if that's all you watch it can be exciting, but after 90 minutes of solid play, having to sit through 30 minutes of "I'd-rather-not-even-try" extra time can make you cry. Solving these problems are decisions above my pay grade--but something, anything is better than this...(maybe a Hunger Games style fight to the finish?)
2. England can't figure out how not to disappoint: Speaking of sad sacks on the verge of destruction...the Three Lions of England seem to actively seek ways to, first, inflate the hopes of their nation and, second, dash those hopes into a million, billion, broken pieces. Undefeated in the group stage (including some impressive little footwork in dispatching the Swedes), England was naturally defeated in one of the aforementioned penalty shoot outs. Lets go ahead and say it: England will look dominant in World Cup Qualifying but not come close to hoisting the cup in 2014.
3. Europe's dirty secret isn't so secret any more...but it's still dirty: Along with a tournament of the beautiful game we got a tournament full of ugly racism. As the globalization of team rosters becomes ever more apparent (with Turkish Germans, Ghanaian Italians and Ethiopian Czechs), the spread of racism becomes equally apparent. While many point out that these are "isolated" incidents, and the acts of "only a few" those few seem to have no compunction about making it known in grossly inappropriate places: hence the cruel Croatians and rascally Russians being ignored just as often as they're fined. But since the fans don't pay the fines (and the federations have plenty of cash in their coffers) there's aren't really disincentives. How about this instead: get caught abusing players once in a match and it's a yellow, do it twice it's a red and your team forfeits. Two yellows in back-to-back games and the fans get suspended for the next match...it works for friendlies, qualifiers, even tournaments--if you're going to change the culture, you've got to make it count. (And hey, keep it up Russia and we'll just see how long you keep that 2018 event you're planning on)

Happy Trails #143-130 (Catching up on 2012's Eliminations)

143: Tofa Samoa
Why They Lost: A very young side, Samoa may not have had quite the experience to keep up with Tahiti and New Caldonia, or to stop themselves from yiedling 24 goals in 3 matches (this despite their triumphing over fellow minnows (American Samoa, Cook Islands and Tonga)

Fear my adorable WRATH!
(Optusnet.com)

Who/What We'll Miss: Traditional Samoan tattoos (or Pe'a) would have been guaranteed to freak out a few opponents and add a little non-Ronaldo based color.


142: Lukim Yu Bihain Papua New Guinea
Why They Lost: The rapidly improving Kapuls have a number of players playing in Australia's major league, but seemed to be hard pressed to break through a tough group including a superior New Zealand squad
Who/What We'll Miss: The chance to explain that the Kapul is the local (Tok Pisin) word for Cuscus which is a local variety of opossum...how 'bout that for some zoological factoids!

141: Sa Moce, Fiji
Why They Lost: A this often popular squad was stymied in their quest for another round of action after ceding a vital goal to Papua New Guinea and seeing the Solomon Islands snatch a draw against New Zealand

Not sure if this is a cheer or yawn
(Golfcentraldaily.com)

Who/What We'll Miss: Vijay Singh going nuts-o in the stands.


140: Mbae mi lukem yufala Vanuatu
Why They Lost: Vanuatu had a good chance to slip through a wide open Group A, but a 4:1 loss to Tahiti in the final match meant their downfall.
Who/What We'll Miss: With the vast majority of their team and coaches plying their trade in Vanuatu it'll be a shame that we can compare the "Vanuatu system" to the "Spanish system" (probably would have been a draw).

139: Sampa Jumpai Indonesia
Why They Lost: Poor scoring punch was the end of the day for Indonesia, just three goals saw them fall flat with zero points in their group (the second half game winner by Qatar spoiled their one chance for points)
Who/What We'll Miss: The chance for a reunion of the 1938 World Cup team (back when they were the Dutch East Indies, and Prince as Pre-Boron-Symbol-Prince)


138: See ya, wouldn't want to be ya, Singapore
Why They Lost: Time for penetrating analyses "if you give up more goals than you score it's hard to win," Singapore gave up 20 and scored 2...draw your own conclusions.
Who/What We'll Miss: Luxurious high rise mansions peering over the national stadium means everybody's got a seat in the city state!

Place goes crazy when Tajiks in tha house!
Citysearch.net

137: Khar Naboshad Tajikistan
Why They Lost: Continuing a popular theme of this post...it's all about the goal scoring...Tajikistan got 1 in their six matches. Unless you get a lot of nil-nil draws hard to move on that way.
Who/What We'll Miss: Would be pretty sweet to watch a Tajikistan match at the Boulder Dunshabe Tea House



136: Allah Yisallimak U.A.E.
Why They Lost: A slow start stung "The White" losing to Kuwait and Lebanon gave them a lot to get done against a far more powerful Korean Republic team.
Who/What We'll Miss: Hamdan Al Kamali, the wunderkind of Gulf-State soccer is a promising player on his way up the ladder at Lyon.

135: Sawatdi Thailand
Why They Lost: In it up until the end (and with the good fortune to play Oman in their final match) the War Elephants could not come up with the goals when they needed them and ended up at the bottom of their group.
Who/What We'll Miss: The excuse to wear my Teeratep Winothai jersey and this great federation logo (winner of our Happy Trails, coolest federation symbol award...that's not an elephant to piss off)


134: Mas as-salaamah Saudi Arabia
Why They Lost: The Saudi Golden generation is long gone and it may be a while before we see them back in a World Cup; only one player plays in a European league (Defender Osama Hasawi--and even that, is only recently)
Who/What We'll Miss: The tumultuous chances to fire a bunch of coaches and yell about the failures of the team...making the "Green Eagles" federation the world cup equivalent of the Steinbrenner's clan

133: Annyong hi-Kashipishio North Korea

The 1st 2010 Finalist to be Eliminated

Why They Lost: They foolishly trusted decadent Western based players to infiltrate the hard-working mother land's true sons. Such mistakes will not be repeated and those who have been corrupted shall undergo intense reeducation to repair the damage they have done to the home land and to the great and glorious Kim Jong-Un (People's Sexxiest Man Alive 2000-2013)
Who/What We'll Miss: Writing paragraphs like the above


132: 'Ilaa-liqaa Kuwait
Why They Lost: The hard luck Kuwaiti national side, stymied in attempts to qualify for the world cup over the past 3 decades after a debut in Spain '82, was stuck just outside the promised land of another round yet again. They had the chance to qualify in their final match, but the Taeguk Warriors of Korea were just too much and Kuwait headed home for another long four years.
Who/What We'll Miss: The utter irrationality of a team called "The Blue" despite the fact that their flag contains White, Green, Red and Black.

Heck, I'll sing the national Anthem if you want!
(Telegraph.co.uk)

131: Zai Jian, China
Why They Lost: Quite possibly because they had not yet paid Didier Drogba and Nikolas Anelka enough money to pretend that they are Chinese.
Who/What We'll Miss: The ever rarer feeling of being better than China at something (even if it's kicking a ball on a field)


130: Allah yisallimak, Bahrain
Why They Lost: Needing a big win over Singapore (and a Qatar loss to Iran) to move on, Bahrain got their big win (10-0), but Qatar drew, so no luck for the Big Red Machine. But hey! At least that 10-0 victory (over a team that allowed just 2 goals in the previous leg and was sitting its most experienced players) seems so incongruous and sketchy that Bahrain is the recipient of a FIFA INVESTIGATION!!
Who/What We'll Miss: The chance for Bahrainis gathering together to watch sport peacefully...OR...gathering together to watch sport and overthrow a tyrannical government.

We Shall Return

Apologies for the delay in getting back into this--the spring semester took a lot of effort and with the various other Montanans who write here dealing with new jobs, new children and new inspirations we are now a little backlogged. We'll come up with some of our standard features on teams that bit the proverbial bullet and those that seem staggeringly overmatched by the scale of their situation--not to mention blatantly obvious "analyses" masked in goofy "witticisms".

Until then enjoy the footie--there's the Euro for now and Olympics in a little bit before we get back into the qualifying swing of things.

Sincerely,
The Montanan Hooligans