3 On/3 Off: Asian Cup Edition

So, I was back on schedule, and then...yeah.

We hereby return to our summaries and catch-up of notable (and not-so notable) tournaments starting with the first federation cup of the new cycle: the AFC Asian Cup

On: Tim Cahill (Soccer Legend)
Tim Cahill is to Australlian soccer what Bronco Nagurski is to American football.

That is all.

Off: Australian Fans (Geopolitical Novices)
I'm all for hospitality, but Australian fans took it to a new level expressing their affection for North Korea. The Red Robot wasn't too likely to have a lot of fans in the stands, but that's as much for it's systemic disadvantaging of citizens as it is due to the country's small population. Cheer how you want to Aussies...but just remember that one man's satire is a nut job despot's eternal devotion.

On: South Korea
The Taeguk Warriors are certainly disappointed to have been forced to settle for a fourth silver medal since their last trophy in 1960. (Their four bronzes over the same time don't help either). But set aside the final standings and you can see a dominant squad that only trailed for 45 minutes (the second half of the final) and still managed a stunning equalizer in stoppage time. The resilient South Koreans are certainly worthy of a trophy, and I have every confidence they'll be gunning for one sooner rather than later.
Off: Japan
Meanwhile, Korea's primary rival, Japan's Blue Samurai, were underwhelming, topping a middling Group D before being on the back foot for 74 minutes against the United Arab Emirates en route to their eventual ouster in the quarterfinals. Combine this lackluster showing with the fuzzy and unfocused runs in Brazil both last summer and the year before (at the Confederations' Cup) and Japan doesn't look terribly well prepared for the future.


On: Asia's "Perceived" Third Tier (Uzbekistan/UAE/China/Iraq)
Recent form suggested that China and Iraq had no shot at the second round and that the UAE and Uzbekistan were too unknown to thrive in a bigger tournament. At the end of the tournament Iraq and the UAE finished 3rd & 4th, while China and Uzbekistan topped a group featuring more recent World Cup qualifiers (North Korea/Saudi Arabia).

Off: Asia's "Perceived" Second Tier (Saudi Arabia/Oman/Jordan/Qatar)
The Saudi's remain Asia's most baffling squad, with a fine pedigree and minimal results. The other gulf states with rising standards and results (Oman, Jordan and Qatar)looked totally underwhelming en route to their own early exits. And while none conceded as many goals as debutants Palestine, their standards aren't to compete against Palestine...it's to compete against the other top teams in Asia.

Happy Trails #143-130 (Catching up on 2012's Eliminations)

143: Tofa Samoa
Why They Lost: A very young side, Samoa may not have had quite the experience to keep up with Tahiti and New Caldonia, or to stop themselves from yiedling 24 goals in 3 matches (this despite their triumphing over fellow minnows (American Samoa, Cook Islands and Tonga)

Fear my adorable WRATH!
(Optusnet.com)

Who/What We'll Miss: Traditional Samoan tattoos (or Pe'a) would have been guaranteed to freak out a few opponents and add a little non-Ronaldo based color.


142: Lukim Yu Bihain Papua New Guinea
Why They Lost: The rapidly improving Kapuls have a number of players playing in Australia's major league, but seemed to be hard pressed to break through a tough group including a superior New Zealand squad
Who/What We'll Miss: The chance to explain that the Kapul is the local (Tok Pisin) word for Cuscus which is a local variety of opossum...how 'bout that for some zoological factoids!

141: Sa Moce, Fiji
Why They Lost: A this often popular squad was stymied in their quest for another round of action after ceding a vital goal to Papua New Guinea and seeing the Solomon Islands snatch a draw against New Zealand

Not sure if this is a cheer or yawn
(Golfcentraldaily.com)

Who/What We'll Miss: Vijay Singh going nuts-o in the stands.


140: Mbae mi lukem yufala Vanuatu
Why They Lost: Vanuatu had a good chance to slip through a wide open Group A, but a 4:1 loss to Tahiti in the final match meant their downfall.
Who/What We'll Miss: With the vast majority of their team and coaches plying their trade in Vanuatu it'll be a shame that we can compare the "Vanuatu system" to the "Spanish system" (probably would have been a draw).

139: Sampa Jumpai Indonesia
Why They Lost: Poor scoring punch was the end of the day for Indonesia, just three goals saw them fall flat with zero points in their group (the second half game winner by Qatar spoiled their one chance for points)
Who/What We'll Miss: The chance for a reunion of the 1938 World Cup team (back when they were the Dutch East Indies, and Prince as Pre-Boron-Symbol-Prince)


138: See ya, wouldn't want to be ya, Singapore
Why They Lost: Time for penetrating analyses "if you give up more goals than you score it's hard to win," Singapore gave up 20 and scored 2...draw your own conclusions.
Who/What We'll Miss: Luxurious high rise mansions peering over the national stadium means everybody's got a seat in the city state!

Place goes crazy when Tajiks in tha house!
Citysearch.net

137: Khar Naboshad Tajikistan
Why They Lost: Continuing a popular theme of this post...it's all about the goal scoring...Tajikistan got 1 in their six matches. Unless you get a lot of nil-nil draws hard to move on that way.
Who/What We'll Miss: Would be pretty sweet to watch a Tajikistan match at the Boulder Dunshabe Tea House



136: Allah Yisallimak U.A.E.
Why They Lost: A slow start stung "The White" losing to Kuwait and Lebanon gave them a lot to get done against a far more powerful Korean Republic team.
Who/What We'll Miss: Hamdan Al Kamali, the wunderkind of Gulf-State soccer is a promising player on his way up the ladder at Lyon.

135: Sawatdi Thailand
Why They Lost: In it up until the end (and with the good fortune to play Oman in their final match) the War Elephants could not come up with the goals when they needed them and ended up at the bottom of their group.
Who/What We'll Miss: The excuse to wear my Teeratep Winothai jersey and this great federation logo (winner of our Happy Trails, coolest federation symbol award...that's not an elephant to piss off)


134: Mas as-salaamah Saudi Arabia
Why They Lost: The Saudi Golden generation is long gone and it may be a while before we see them back in a World Cup; only one player plays in a European league (Defender Osama Hasawi--and even that, is only recently)
Who/What We'll Miss: The tumultuous chances to fire a bunch of coaches and yell about the failures of the team...making the "Green Eagles" federation the world cup equivalent of the Steinbrenner's clan

133: Annyong hi-Kashipishio North Korea

The 1st 2010 Finalist to be Eliminated

Why They Lost: They foolishly trusted decadent Western based players to infiltrate the hard-working mother land's true sons. Such mistakes will not be repeated and those who have been corrupted shall undergo intense reeducation to repair the damage they have done to the home land and to the great and glorious Kim Jong-Un (People's Sexxiest Man Alive 2000-2013)
Who/What We'll Miss: Writing paragraphs like the above


132: 'Ilaa-liqaa Kuwait
Why They Lost: The hard luck Kuwaiti national side, stymied in attempts to qualify for the world cup over the past 3 decades after a debut in Spain '82, was stuck just outside the promised land of another round yet again. They had the chance to qualify in their final match, but the Taeguk Warriors of Korea were just too much and Kuwait headed home for another long four years.
Who/What We'll Miss: The utter irrationality of a team called "The Blue" despite the fact that their flag contains White, Green, Red and Black.

Heck, I'll sing the national Anthem if you want!
(Telegraph.co.uk)

131: Zai Jian, China
Why They Lost: Quite possibly because they had not yet paid Didier Drogba and Nikolas Anelka enough money to pretend that they are Chinese.
Who/What We'll Miss: The ever rarer feeling of being better than China at something (even if it's kicking a ball on a field)


130: Allah yisallimak, Bahrain
Why They Lost: Needing a big win over Singapore (and a Qatar loss to Iran) to move on, Bahrain got their big win (10-0), but Qatar drew, so no luck for the Big Red Machine. But hey! At least that 10-0 victory (over a team that allowed just 2 goals in the previous leg and was sitting its most experienced players) seems so incongruous and sketchy that Bahrain is the recipient of a FIFA INVESTIGATION!!
Who/What We'll Miss: The chance for Bahrainis gathering together to watch sport peacefully...OR...gathering together to watch sport and overthrow a tyrannical government.

Oh...that's why 11.11.11. matters!

So, admittedly, I'm a little behind in posts (and if you think this blog's bad, you should see my other ones), but I thought I ought to post before tomorrow in advance of a major day in World Cup qualifying.

Apparently the powers that be in FIFA decided they ought to schedule matches on every continent on this most auspicious of palindromy days.  So, there's a whole mess of soccer going on tomorrow: here now, the matches we're most excited to see on each continent:

South America:
Chile v.s. Uruguay; It's more than just the match up of two countries whose names sound like English language words--it's the rising power of South America (complete with greasy haired stars in the making), versus one of the continents perennial dark horses. So, senors, bring it on.


North America:
Antigua & Barbuda v.s. Haiti; So Haiti--despite all the financial, bureaucratic, and--you know--earthquake-y related things, was actually favored to win their group. Then along came underdogs Antigua & Barbuda...so if you think about it: we're guaranteed to see one adorable underdog vault into the next round...and see another underdog suffer humiliating defeat and broken dreams.

Asia:
Saudi Arabia v.s. Thailand; While I'm biased in favor of the Elephants and have made more than my share of jokes at the expense of the turmoil in Saudi Arabia, the match will be crucial to finding the second-place team in the group. Australia's guaranteed the top spot (barring some kind of freak team-wide spontaneous combustion), so this one will matter more than a little.


Africa:
Somalia v.s. Ethiopia; Here's the real barnburner, and while it's not the highest profile match and doesn't have any of the big name continental stars; as a Montanan who currently lives in Minnesota (with its high population of Ethiopians and Somalis) we can think of several people who really care how it turns out.

So whether you prefer rising powers, underdogs, high-stakes contests, or serious rivals there's something for you tomorrow. And if you prefer being gainfully employed and just looking up the scores during your coffee/tea break...you can do that too.

Enjoy the games!

2014 World Cup Qualifying Begins

We're still six weeks away from the first draw to organize qualifying for the 2014 World Cup, but there are a few preliminary matters to deal with first.

Those preliminary matters include getting rid of most miniscule minnows in all of FIFA...you know...the ones who have more sway in the organization's boardrooms and backrooms than on the pitch. Their votes count in presidential elections...their athletes...eh, not so much.

Last night we got started with Belize topping Montserrat 5-2. I know what you're thinking: How could Montserrat lose? Well, let me ask you, if you lived in the place pictured at right...would your first concern be playing futbol...or avoiding volcanic ash and enjoying the sunshine?

At any rate. Belize V. Montserrat is only one of the preliminary games before the draw, the bigger issues are afoot in Asia where the 38 lowest rated teams play home-and-home playoffs to determine the lucky few who will get whomped by medium-sized talents in Bahrain and China...or if you're really lucky...Australia! (eep!) some of these will be all over by July 3rd, others won't even have the first leg start until July 23rd, wrapping up matches two days before the initial draw in Rio.

Whenever I watch or think about these games, I think of the Royal Rumbles I used to watch when I was a kid. If you watch pro wrestling you know what happens, put a bunch of guys in a small space and watch as one by one they throw each other over the side. No one wins anything...just a shot at the title. Only in this case, instead of sweaty men pretending that people believe they really are diabolical morticians or hip-hop heavyweights, there's a bunch of sweaty men pretending that they actually have a shot at the world title (it's adorable!).

The biggest matches kick-off around July 23rd with former World Cup contestants Iran, Saudi Arabia rising threat Uzbekistan and ex-Asian Champ Iraq in action. It's unlikely that they lose to their opponents (the Maldives, Hong Kong, Kyrgystan and Yemen respectively)...but like the Royal Rumble you never really know until it's underway. (Sure Iran's the Randy Macho Man Savage of Asian futbol...but Macho Man is gone...maybe Iran's doomed for the same fate?)

Through all the action we'll try to give a quick update, including quick adieus to each team as they bow out (it may only be a paragraph but it's the least we can do to honor the players, fans and delusional gamblers who thought they might have a shot).

Check back for more news later, after all, you never know when I'm going to randomly connect Randy Savage and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

January 2011: 3 On/3 Off

We'll try and set this up so that each month we review the most important information about world football gleaned from matches, competitions and news. (Hopefully there's always something to talk about.) And to do that, we'll think about three heroes subbed onto the pitch, and three out of form slugs heading for the bench with their heads hanging low.

3 Coming On:

Japan in General and Kaisuke Honda in particular:

Winning the Asian Cup is a little like being the greatest best baseball team in triple A. You've got a trophy and god knows you deserve it...but everyone knows in their heart of hearts that it might not be that way if you had to play a big-time, high-profile squad of superstars in the making.

Still, the blue samurai deserve to be congratulated. And unlike the Albuquerque Isotopes, they will get to play some high-profile superstars this summer when they head down to the Copa America to try their luck against Brazil and Argentina. Win that and I'll genuflect and beg forgiveness...until then, I'll just keep clapping politely

Except for Kaisuke Honda. After a sterling World Cup he won man of the tournament honors in Qatar and set the stage for his continued rise to the title of Asia's top footballer. Sniggering over his relationship to the car factory needs to stop...he looks like he's for real.

Feeling Good in Qatar

The Asian Cup was chock full of good stories. The hosts overcame their minnow-ish ranking and made a strong showing against eventual champions Japan. The Uzbeks were a surprise entry into the semi-finals (except not to me...because I predicted it...because I'm AWESOME!). And for a brief period of time the Australians were able to distract their countrymen from surging flood waters with some stellar football and a near miss in the final match. Kudos Asia, Kudos!

Spain...the system everyone wants a part of

Just in case the fawning adoration of the World Cup winners wasn't enough, FIFA pointed out the supremacy of Spanish Football at their annual awards ceremonies in Zurich. And while the Spaniards didn't walk away with any major individual hardware...their system and league gave a full throated power yell of domination to anyone who still thought Spain's best contribution to recent world history was tapas.

Lionel Messi (Barcelona's wunderkind) won the Ballon d'Or. Jose Mourinho (Mr. Jump on the Bandwagon/Real Madrid) won the coach of the year. And the Fifa Pro World XI features 8 La Liga representatives and 6 Spanish Nationals. Investing in all that talented football may have diverted funds from other areas like...say...the crippling Iberian debt crisis...but hey! SHINY TROPHIES!! (Suck on that England)

3 Heading off

Saudi Arabia: The Riyadh Zoo

Here in America we have a long and storied history of teams that are quite simply CRAZY. The Bronx Zoo of the New York Yankees in the 1970s, The Portland Jail Blazers from the turn of the millenia, The Cincinatti Bengals of...well...pretty much forever. But no matter what your preferred local sport, few crazy ass teams can compete with the insanity of Saudi Arabia at the Asian Cup.

Lose your first game (2:1 to Syria), that's bad...but maybe not: fire the coach this second bad. Still, the Saudi's made their choice and went in confident against Jordan...where they lost again (1:0). It's hard to fire a coach after one match, so instead King Abdullah fired federation president (Prince Sultan Bin Fahd) and replaced him with Prince Nawaf Bin Faisal. Surely, after cleaning house of these losers, a meaningless game against a half-strength already progressed Japan would give them the chance to lick their wounds, learn their lessons. Or...lose 5:0 and lead to the sacking of their second coach in three matches. (Cue the slow sarcastic clap)

A Break-away Confederation?

I listen regularly to the BBC's World Football podcast (and if you're reading this website hoping for news I suggest you look there instead). Last week the Beeb broke the story of scuttlebutt surrounding a new Confederation that could be created by merging Oceania with East Asia. The move makes sense for a few people. First, Australia could stop pretending to be Asian. Second, Japan and South Korea could have lovely holidays in New Caldonia. Finally, China could bid for the World Cup in 2026 and really stick it to the Qatari federation and AFC president Mohammed Bin Hammam.

But once you dig a little deeper this is a terrible plan. Oceania gets nothing but a pack of guaranteed ass-kickings in Tokyo, Seoul and Sydney. The whole scheme completely undermines FIFA authority and sets up more snide bickering between bureaucrats (leading to more back stage wheeling and dealing rather than less). North America would likely get bumped to one-side AGAIN in the continental rotation order (and with Europe likely to throw a tantrum for 2030, our next shot would be 2034...22 years after the Mayan apocolypse!). Nice try East Asia (and Australia)...but no...just no.

Qatar's Crickets

One little bone to pick with Qatar after the AFC Cup...seriously? you broke the bank to win the World Cup and you the only two full houses you can draw are for the home team versus Japan...and the final? I've seen bigger houses for operas in Butte! I've met more dedicated footie fans in remote hillside villages of India! Come on guys...show us why you won it. (Unless it's through corruption in which case please give no sign).

AFC Cup Outrounds!

It's crunch time in Qatar and no...I'm not referring to the home stretch of a camel race. Today begins the out rounds of the AFC cup, and shockingly, for someone with absolutely no experience, I did pretty well on my predictions of the quarter finalists.

Japan, Uzbekistan, Australia, South Korea, Iran and Iraq all came through for me, with only China and Saudi Arabia (who fired two coaches in three matches) falling short. So the new darlings are Jordan and...yup...Qatar. I'm wondering if they're winning through illegality or through sheer antagonism towards the rest of the world.

If you've watched any of the highlights (Click here if you're interested) you may well have noticed the somewhat...generally...shall we say..."sparse" crowds at the matches. That's too kind: there are literally HUGE SWATHS of seats available at these games. Seriously, I've seen larger crowds at Craig Kilborn Fan Fests. My brother's high-school games were more attended than these matches...and they played in Bozeman...in November...after shoveling snow off the field.

So, hey, if you want to go on vacation and see some international soccer in the lap of luxury: Qatar's the way to go. (It'll be easier now than in 11 years anyway).

We'll be back in a few days to check on the semi's which will have at least one starry-eyed dreamer playing with the World Cup perennials. (Good luck surviving that one Uzbekistan/Jordan)

AFC Cup 2011: A half-hearted/belated preview

Since the Asian Cup kicked off two days ago, I suppose I ought to point out precisely who is likely to win this and head on to the Confederations Cup in 2013.

Why? Because it's early January and there's NOTHING ELSE TO DO!

Let's lose Qatar (the deal with the Devil only won the them the world cup hosting, not actual talent), Syria (with only two stars left on their flag they only have so much collateral to trade with), North Korea (a change in management's always tough--for all his problems Kim Jong Il always got the red robot motivated) and much as it pains me to admit it: India. (Where the fans will be cheering right up until the cricket comes back on.

Just missing out on the out rounds we have Jordan (any non Michael form of "Jordan" can't win a title for fear of copyright infringement), Bahrain and the UAE (losing out of sympathy for their fellow obscenely wealthy Arab state: Qatar) and Kuwait...because I flipped a coin and they lost.

Ooops, Uzbekistan stayed alive until the knock out stage, but Japan will take care of that, while China crushes Saudi Arabia and moves wins the title of country that most frustrates Bill O'Rielly. On the other side of the draw, Australia and South Korea will run roughshod over Iraq and Iran because they'll be busy moping over their demotion on O'Rielly's list.

In the semifinals Australia will take China out for "a quick snort" the night before. Several hours and 22 lost pairs of pants later, a bedraggled/hungover China will be dumped from the tournament by a barely winded set of Socceroos. Meanwhile the Japanese and Koreans will do what they do best: hate eachother through a tense draw that ultimately results in a Korean victory.

The final on the 29th we'll have a rematch of a previous game between two group C rivals (as seen on January 14th). And under the blazing Qatari sun, a clear victor will emerge: and that victory will be....AUSTRALIA! (Because the crafty Aussies will spike their opponents Kim Chee...diabolic villainy...that's the Aussie way!)