African Nations Championship--While we were sleeping

So I had a dream last night about using a flashlight to see inside eggs, and spilled soup and my father yelling at me to come watch Wayne Rooney.

I woke up confused, and while piecing things together remembered: "Isn't there a Football Tournament on now?" Answer: Yes...yes there is...not that anyone would notice.

The ANC or African Nations Championship should not to be confused with the ACN or African Cup of Nations nor the other ANC (Nelson Mandela's African National Congress political Party) nor of course CAN (which is an emphatic way of spelling a small storage cylinder, usually made out of tin and valuable for those who like soup).

No, the African Nations Championship is a special tournament designed to highlight the best of African football, by focusing on those players who play in their local African leagues. So there's no Didier Drogba, no Samuel Eto'o and no Michael "The Bison" Essien (our honorary Ghanaian/Montanan). There are however 16 teams vying for the trophy...only...not any more.

It seems that while I was working on my thesis and having dreams about eggs, soup and Wayne Rooney, the tournament has already reached the knock-out stages (sidebar: I'm not a great news man am I?) But! World Football is always intriguing and the fact that this tournament comes fast on the heels of the Asian Cup and massive unrest in North Africa and is being held in Sudan means that things could be interesting both in terms of football and politically.

Let's take a look at the final 8. (The Quarter Finals kick off tomorrow!) The first matches will see South Africa against Algeria in a battle of two sides with some World Cup experience. Of course, Algeria has a number of players overseas while BafanaBafana is home to what many consider the best African league. Their group results bear that out with BafanaBafana easily topping a group that included a (weakened) Ghana (*tear*) while Algeria barely snuck in after managing draws against Gabon and Sudan. Speaking of the Nile Crocodiles, Sudan will be pitted against Niger [pronounced Nee-jhair for those of you worried about sounding like racists]. The hosts are in for a battle, as Niger boasts a solid midfield of local players, and cruised to second winning two and losing only to South Africa. Meanwhile, I have to base my entire analyses of Sudanese football off of one recent BBC (even Wikipedia is lacking!), but complaints of favoritism to Northern players (as well as the fact that not a single game has been played in the soon-to-be-free Southern sector) mean that uniting the country is probably not gonna happen. (And c'mon, Darfur can't be solved with a single great goal.)

On Saturday, Tunisia tussles The Democratic Republic of the Congo. Fresh off their revolution the Eagles of Carthage boast a wealth of homegrown talent (especially in a cohesive midfield) and topped their group with relative ease, while the defending champions from the most ironically named country in the world got in thanks to a 2-1 win over Cote D'Ivoire (just nudging them ahead of the Elephants). The last match sees Cameroon against Angola. On paper Angola's Black Antelopes should have the more well trained, unified side (rebuilding nicely after their first golden generation led them to the 2006 World Cup)--but they needed two goals to comeback against Rwanda and slip in to the out rounds. Meanwhile the Indomitable Lions (great nickname, ps) should have been easy pickings. None of the national first team plays in Cameroon, that national first team was absolutely shellacked in the World Cup (even with African footballer of the year Samuel Eto'o). Yet they cruised through their group winning each match and allowing nothing.

Based on first round performances it would be hard to bet against Cameroon and South Africa in the final...but if ever there was a team of destiny label to win, it would belong to Tunisia as the right team at the right moment in history. I'll keep trying to find video of this whole shindig, and share it with you if I ever can.

January 2011: 3 On/3 Off

We'll try and set this up so that each month we review the most important information about world football gleaned from matches, competitions and news. (Hopefully there's always something to talk about.) And to do that, we'll think about three heroes subbed onto the pitch, and three out of form slugs heading for the bench with their heads hanging low.

3 Coming On:

Japan in General and Kaisuke Honda in particular:

Winning the Asian Cup is a little like being the greatest best baseball team in triple A. You've got a trophy and god knows you deserve it...but everyone knows in their heart of hearts that it might not be that way if you had to play a big-time, high-profile squad of superstars in the making.

Still, the blue samurai deserve to be congratulated. And unlike the Albuquerque Isotopes, they will get to play some high-profile superstars this summer when they head down to the Copa America to try their luck against Brazil and Argentina. Win that and I'll genuflect and beg forgiveness...until then, I'll just keep clapping politely

Except for Kaisuke Honda. After a sterling World Cup he won man of the tournament honors in Qatar and set the stage for his continued rise to the title of Asia's top footballer. Sniggering over his relationship to the car factory needs to stop...he looks like he's for real.

Feeling Good in Qatar

The Asian Cup was chock full of good stories. The hosts overcame their minnow-ish ranking and made a strong showing against eventual champions Japan. The Uzbeks were a surprise entry into the semi-finals (except not to me...because I predicted it...because I'm AWESOME!). And for a brief period of time the Australians were able to distract their countrymen from surging flood waters with some stellar football and a near miss in the final match. Kudos Asia, Kudos!

Spain...the system everyone wants a part of

Just in case the fawning adoration of the World Cup winners wasn't enough, FIFA pointed out the supremacy of Spanish Football at their annual awards ceremonies in Zurich. And while the Spaniards didn't walk away with any major individual hardware...their system and league gave a full throated power yell of domination to anyone who still thought Spain's best contribution to recent world history was tapas.

Lionel Messi (Barcelona's wunderkind) won the Ballon d'Or. Jose Mourinho (Mr. Jump on the Bandwagon/Real Madrid) won the coach of the year. And the Fifa Pro World XI features 8 La Liga representatives and 6 Spanish Nationals. Investing in all that talented football may have diverted funds from other areas like...say...the crippling Iberian debt crisis...but hey! SHINY TROPHIES!! (Suck on that England)

3 Heading off

Saudi Arabia: The Riyadh Zoo

Here in America we have a long and storied history of teams that are quite simply CRAZY. The Bronx Zoo of the New York Yankees in the 1970s, The Portland Jail Blazers from the turn of the millenia, The Cincinatti Bengals of...well...pretty much forever. But no matter what your preferred local sport, few crazy ass teams can compete with the insanity of Saudi Arabia at the Asian Cup.

Lose your first game (2:1 to Syria), that's bad...but maybe not: fire the coach this second bad. Still, the Saudi's made their choice and went in confident against Jordan...where they lost again (1:0). It's hard to fire a coach after one match, so instead King Abdullah fired federation president (Prince Sultan Bin Fahd) and replaced him with Prince Nawaf Bin Faisal. Surely, after cleaning house of these losers, a meaningless game against a half-strength already progressed Japan would give them the chance to lick their wounds, learn their lessons. Or...lose 5:0 and lead to the sacking of their second coach in three matches. (Cue the slow sarcastic clap)

A Break-away Confederation?

I listen regularly to the BBC's World Football podcast (and if you're reading this website hoping for news I suggest you look there instead). Last week the Beeb broke the story of scuttlebutt surrounding a new Confederation that could be created by merging Oceania with East Asia. The move makes sense for a few people. First, Australia could stop pretending to be Asian. Second, Japan and South Korea could have lovely holidays in New Caldonia. Finally, China could bid for the World Cup in 2026 and really stick it to the Qatari federation and AFC president Mohammed Bin Hammam.

But once you dig a little deeper this is a terrible plan. Oceania gets nothing but a pack of guaranteed ass-kickings in Tokyo, Seoul and Sydney. The whole scheme completely undermines FIFA authority and sets up more snide bickering between bureaucrats (leading to more back stage wheeling and dealing rather than less). North America would likely get bumped to one-side AGAIN in the continental rotation order (and with Europe likely to throw a tantrum for 2030, our next shot would be 2034...22 years after the Mayan apocolypse!). Nice try East Asia (and Australia)...but no...just no.

Qatar's Crickets

One little bone to pick with Qatar after the AFC Cup...seriously? you broke the bank to win the World Cup and you the only two full houses you can draw are for the home team versus Japan...and the final? I've seen bigger houses for operas in Butte! I've met more dedicated footie fans in remote hillside villages of India! Come on guys...show us why you won it. (Unless it's through corruption in which case please give no sign).

AFC Cup Outrounds!

It's crunch time in Qatar and no...I'm not referring to the home stretch of a camel race. Today begins the out rounds of the AFC cup, and shockingly, for someone with absolutely no experience, I did pretty well on my predictions of the quarter finalists.

Japan, Uzbekistan, Australia, South Korea, Iran and Iraq all came through for me, with only China and Saudi Arabia (who fired two coaches in three matches) falling short. So the new darlings are Jordan and...yup...Qatar. I'm wondering if they're winning through illegality or through sheer antagonism towards the rest of the world.

If you've watched any of the highlights (Click here if you're interested) you may well have noticed the somewhat...generally...shall we say..."sparse" crowds at the matches. That's too kind: there are literally HUGE SWATHS of seats available at these games. Seriously, I've seen larger crowds at Craig Kilborn Fan Fests. My brother's high-school games were more attended than these matches...and they played in Bozeman...in November...after shoveling snow off the field.

So, hey, if you want to go on vacation and see some international soccer in the lap of luxury: Qatar's the way to go. (It'll be easier now than in 11 years anyway).

We'll be back in a few days to check on the semi's which will have at least one starry-eyed dreamer playing with the World Cup perennials. (Good luck surviving that one Uzbekistan/Jordan)

AFC Cup 2011: A half-hearted/belated preview

Since the Asian Cup kicked off two days ago, I suppose I ought to point out precisely who is likely to win this and head on to the Confederations Cup in 2013.

Why? Because it's early January and there's NOTHING ELSE TO DO!

Let's lose Qatar (the deal with the Devil only won the them the world cup hosting, not actual talent), Syria (with only two stars left on their flag they only have so much collateral to trade with), North Korea (a change in management's always tough--for all his problems Kim Jong Il always got the red robot motivated) and much as it pains me to admit it: India. (Where the fans will be cheering right up until the cricket comes back on.

Just missing out on the out rounds we have Jordan (any non Michael form of "Jordan" can't win a title for fear of copyright infringement), Bahrain and the UAE (losing out of sympathy for their fellow obscenely wealthy Arab state: Qatar) and Kuwait...because I flipped a coin and they lost.

Ooops, Uzbekistan stayed alive until the knock out stage, but Japan will take care of that, while China crushes Saudi Arabia and moves wins the title of country that most frustrates Bill O'Rielly. On the other side of the draw, Australia and South Korea will run roughshod over Iraq and Iran because they'll be busy moping over their demotion on O'Rielly's list.

In the semifinals Australia will take China out for "a quick snort" the night before. Several hours and 22 lost pairs of pants later, a bedraggled/hungover China will be dumped from the tournament by a barely winded set of Socceroos. Meanwhile the Japanese and Koreans will do what they do best: hate eachother through a tense draw that ultimately results in a Korean victory.

The final on the 29th we'll have a rematch of a previous game between two group C rivals (as seen on January 14th). And under the blazing Qatari sun, a clear victor will emerge: and that victory will be....AUSTRALIA! (Because the crafty Aussies will spike their opponents Kim Chee...diabolic villainy...that's the Aussie way!)

The Full 90: 2010/2011

Since we missed a chance to do a year in review, or a year in preview...how about we do both? With two halves covering 45 people, teams, places and moments that turned our heads in 2010, and 45 things to keep an eye on in 2011.

1st Half--2010

At the start of the year Egypt (1) showed us what we would all be missing in June by winning the African Cup of Nations (2). And while the Pharaohs would indeed be missed, you'd be hard pressed to say that The World Cup (3) was a failure without them. To be sure we might have been better served with them than with the whipping boys from Honduras (4) or North Korea (5). Speaking of the Red Robot (The coolest national team nickname of the year) (6) bad news for Kim Jong Il (7) and all fans of a free and independent press; the first live television event in decades, or maybe ever (8) ended with a 7-0 loss to Portugal (9) and professional tabloid headline/underwear model Cristiano Ronaldo (10).

Despite the triumph over the forces of evil on the pitch, Ronaldo lost a much bigger trophy--that of biggest goober in professional football to Wayne Rooney (11). You might recognize Rooney from his starring role in the Very cool Nike World Cup commercials (12) or, possibly, the bizarre Tiwanese computer animated recreations of his sexual exploits (13). Despite the monastic diligence demands of coach Fabio Capello (14) the Three Lions of England (15) were so distracted by injuries, Rooney and fellow horn dog John Terry (16) managed to barely scrape into the second round before getting positively throttled by Germany (16).

But protestations of English incompetence have nothing on France (17) and Italy (18). Les Blus quit on coach Raymond Domenench (19) not only mentally, but LITERALLY quitting and refusing to practice before playing South Africa (20) in their final (pointless) group match, the only Bafana Bafana win of the cup. Meanwhile, the Azzuri sleepwalked their way through two draws against Paraguay (21) and New Zealand (22) before losing to titans Slovakia (23). Point and laugh everyone point and laugh.

Okay, lets cease our focus on the idiots who lost, instead, lets remember those brave fools who managed to win in spite of everything else. Starting with Landon Donavan (24) whose last minute goal over Algeria (25) gave the USA (26) an epic win and begat the reactions that begat the Youtube clip that shut up the nation's soccer haters. Of course one could argue that Ghana's (27) win over us in the next round shut down the love affair, but I think it's probably still got some life left. Besides, as someone who was in Ghana at the time, I know it meant a lot to them (and this might just be my personal fandom highlight of the year (28) ):

While I learned to love Kevin Prince Boateng (29) and Andre "Dede" Ayew (30) I've got to feel for the truly impassioned (though slightly stubborn) Asamoah Gyan (31) who had the semi-finals in his fingers only to see them slip away. Of course, my personal tournament villain, Luis Suarez (32) helped with that. But no matter how much we may want to curse Uruguay (33) you've got to love Diego Forlan's (34) hair. Forlan led the way for exciting players captivating a world wide audience, and the raft of others including Mesut Oezil (35), Bastian Schwienstager (36), Wesley Snejieder (37), Keisuke Honda (38), Robert Koren (39) and David Villa (40).

Of course it was Villa who won in the end as the boys of La Furia Roja in Spain (41) finally lifted the World Cup over the perennial bridesmaids from The Netherlands (42). And while their party has lasted well into the new year, and the specter of insulting insinuations of corruption have faded in South Africa, Sepp Blatter (43) has gotten to appreciate scandal and innuendo anew with the awarding of the 2018 World Cup to Russia (44) and the 2022 event to Qatar (45).

2nd Half--2011

The awarding of more cups to future hosts gives us the opportunity to start looking forward into the year 2011 and the tonnage of events that will effect future world cup activities.

Start with the inauguration of Dilma Rousseff (46) the new president of Brazil (47). As the successor to the politician who brought back facial hair: Luiz Inacio "Lula" DeSilva (48). The good news for futbol fans is that Rousseff will likely continue most of DeSilva's policies. The bad news is that she's not quite as popular as DeSilva and might struggle to keep the construction/renovation of the 12 stadiums on track. Hey, why does that sound familiar?

But to start things off nice and easy we've got the Ballon D'Or Awards Spectacle on January 10th (49). Inside the labyrinthine secret lair of FIFA in Switzerland (50) the votes have been tabulated and soon we'll know who has pulled down the big fat trophies. The big prize is down to a race between Andres Iniesta (51), Xavi (52) and Lionel Messi (53). If you're noticing a certain Spanish flavor to that you're not alone. The world game is distinctly connected to the joys of paella and if you aren't part of La Liga (54) you're really just an after thought now (as evidenced by the fact that the three coaches nominated for Coach of the Year (55) all work in Spain). The equally enticing World XI (55) will be announced the same day: but only 3 players on the 55 name shortlist hail from somewhere other than Europe or South America. (Those 3 would be Didier Drogba (56), Samuel Eto'o (57) and, my favorite,

Michael "The Bison" Essien (58).) C'mon FIFA, no token rep for North America? or Asia? Sigh...

Well, Asia will just have to try and find a stand out starting with the Asian Cup (59). Kicking off in just 5 days on January 7th in the arab nation of Qatar (remember them? They're gonna host the World Cup in 12 years?). The 16 teams gearing up include relative minnows Syria (60), Jordan (61) and (even though I love them) India (61). But as the tournament unfolds keep an eye on the dogfight in Group C between South Korea (62) and Australia (63) (two World Cup teams will keep it interesting) and rising power Uzbekistan (64) (drawn into a weak Group A).

That final will kick off a year worth of confederation competitions building to the 2013 Confederations Cup (65). First Panama (66) hosts the Central American Cup (67) to pick up 5 teams to fill out the big dance: the CONCACAF Gold Cup (68) in June, where Mexico (69) will try to re-establish its dominance of the confederation. El Tricolor will follow that up with a trip down to Argentina (70) for the Copa America (71). Oddly, they'll also be with Japan (72)...why precisely Japan is competing for the title of best team in South America...well...uhh...I've got no clue. Just trust that one of the big powers will knock them out, with Chile (73) looking to be the feel good story of the year.

Throughout the summer there will be qualifiers aplenty for the 2012 African Cup of Nations (74) (to be held in Equatorial Guinea (75) and Gabon (76)) and the 2012 Euro Tournament (77) (in Poland (78) and the Ukraine (79)). But just in case you aren't in the mood for Mozambique V. Comoros on October 7th (80) or Luxembourg V. Albania on September 6th (81) don't worry there's plenty of other action to enjoy. Including the Women's World Cup in Germany (82), the U-17 World Cup in Mexico (83) and the U-20 World Cup in Columbia (84). Whether you want to try and spot up-and-coming talents (Alex Nimley (85) anyone?)or a host of women with enough talent and toughness to crush you between their little fingers (I'm looking at you Abby Wambach (86))

there's plenty of futbol to be enjoyed.

Kick back and enjoy the matches wherever you are in the world. Appreciate the patience and consistency of Ji-Su Park (87), the fine touch and goal scoring acumen of Zlatan Ibrahimovic (88) and the eternally entertaining Diego Maradona (89). Best of all...there's the Qualification Draw for the 2014 World Cup, on July 30th in Brazil (90)

Extra Time Predictions:

1: Argentina wins the Copa America at home...Diego Maradona pouts, Brazil goes crazy with the fear that they're in dire straits for futbol matches 3 years away.

2: The qualifying draw for the 2014 World Cup creates one very difficult qualifying group including both New Zealand and New Caldonia...the world press corps does not notice.

3: I won't write another post like this for at least a year.

World Cup 2018/2022 The Winners Revealed: A Live Blog!

11:30 ET--And with that our conversations have devolved into MacKenzie family hijinx. Including the invention of a new wrestler (Swift Justice, dressed up like a judge with the finishing move: "The Gavel") and continued berating of Alexi Lalas ("Why did ridiculing Fifa officials during the hour leading up to the announcement seem like a good idea?"). There's a lot to like about these decisions: it spreads the game to new parts of the world, it lets us all share in the fun, it may lead to great innovations in solar technologies for the Qatari world cup which benefit the world, and it stops Vladmir Putin from going on an assassination spree throughout Europe, which is also appreciated. There's a lot to fix too (Russia's venues being spread out throughout that massive continent, the fact that Qatar is...you know...Qatar) but throughout that time, we'll be here to analyze the World cup and all its ancillary silliness straight through to the end. From three Montanans lost in the lonely East, I'm Ben MacKenzie. Good night.

11:22 ET--Quoth Simon, who has just woken up and gotten the news: "Money always wins, and Alexi Lalas shoudl shut his damn mouth for jinxing us!"

11:20 ET--Meanwhile Qatar is going to have a 30 mile ring containing the best soccer players in the world (except the poor blokes from Wales), playing at Stadiums that they have to find a way to cool, and ensuring security at a level high enough to convince fans/corporate partners to buy in, while offsetting the lost alchohol revenue that's hampered by Sharia law...and then they will tear it all down and send it to Malawi

11:11 ET--Matt and I have been jibber-jabbering about the other issues related to this outcome, and we still think that England's been a little too smug in their bids. But all that can be fixed if Dame Helen Mirren sends out a come hither look. (Keep your Hiedi Klums, Charlize Therons and Nicole Kidmen...just give us the DAME!)

10:53 ET--All Xenophobia in this post was brought to you by George W. Bush's new memoir: Deciding Things, exclusively at Borders

10:51 ET--The award for first vaguely racist comment from Nick on ESPN's live chat: "Security nightmare 2022" Matt's rebuttal: "I would think that would be the one time it doesn't happen. 'Yo, let's go blow up a place!' 'Nah, dude...game's on!' "

10:50 ET--Before 2022, says Matt, "needs to improve its defense but it has tremendous upside potential and length"

10:47 ET--We should note that Matt's super-hot Scorching-burn on England was brought to you by TGIFs brand Jalapeno Poppers, available in your grocer's freezer section

10:44 ET--Matt says it best: "WOWZA!"

10:43 ET--Here again is Sepp doing his old man bit fumbling for the envelope and the winner is........................................Qatar

10:42 ET--Matt's gut is 1 for 1...he claims it never lies. (He also notices that England has a great deal of other things going for it...but it really ought to progress past the Quarter Finals in a cup held outside of England before we're impressed)

10:41 ET--Slightly awkward moment, Blatter thanks the losers...but I didn't hear him mention England...that'll teach you to criticise FIFA England

10:40 ET--Attention shifts to 2022, and the question is Qatar, Australia or the USA...but a little more blather before we get there

10:39 ET--England comes up short again...good thing Prince William got the proposal in before coming up empty here.

10:37 ET--2018 goes to.......RUSSIA!

10:36 ET--Blatter keeps picking up the envelope and putting it down, "and now, and now"...get it done SEPP!

10:35 ET--High drama has occured as I had to run quickly and do my actual job, but fortunately Sepp Blatter has been blathering. So nothing has been missed

10:30 ET--"Lazy Setup, brought to you by sonic Drive in. Sonic, we give you Dialisis" (Matt)

10:29 ET--Here comes Jerome Valke...the Jimmy Fallon of Fifa

10:28 ET--Here we go!

10:25 ET--Same logic holds for Russia, FIFA's attempt to deliver the deathblow to Hockey... Matt: "Soccer V.s. Hockey Deathmatch? I'd go with the Hockey Players."

10:22 ET--Quick debate, Matt: Does the world's most popular sport need growth?, Ben: Not really, but they'd love to have more countries like America who take a hosting turn and then become bigger consumers of the game over the next 20 years Matt: "So the Aussies are a more desirable target because Soccer isn't the No. 1 Sport behind swimming, Aussie Rules and what...Alpine Skiing? Quidditch? Mad Max Recreation Derbies?" Ben: "I think it's keg standing actually"

10:16 ET--Our colleagues at CNN (Aka Uncle Ted's Big Ol' House O' News) says that the announcement will be made at 9:30... Matt: "Way to build the suspense Blatter!"

10:13 ET--Our penatrating analysis (Matt: The Cup in the desert in the middle of the summer is a bad idea/Ben: And the idea of 9 stadiums with super huge air conditioning systems seems like a lot of electricity to use up for a supposedly "green World Cup")

10:11 ET--Our Mideast expert, Matt MacKenzie says: "just an oil deal, they happen at every meal"

10:10 ET--ESPN (the evil empire to our plucky rebel batallion) is reporting that there's a short delay, but Qatari bid reps are shaking hands happily....

10:08 ET--Wondering why things are still not announced, Matt's theory: Russian mafia pulling some last second strings, or Putin with a sniper rifle on a nearby rooftop, (Bourne Supremecy style)

10:06 ET--Matt and I once tried to launch our own cable news channel "MacKenzie Low Budget Sports"--stupid ESPN...their monopoly avoids soccer coverage

10:03 ET--And in 1 minute Matt has come to the same conclusion I arrived at over a month of research

10:02 ET--And Matt makes his predictions: "Here's my complete and total gut reaction prediction, which is based on nothing other than guts, know how and stomach-ness, Ready? 2018 Russia, 2022 Aussies

10:01 ET--And...they're late getting started...stupid Swiss...BUY A WATCH ALREADY!!

9:56 ET--Matt MacKenzie is in the house! This is his first live blog...mine too come to think of it

9:54 ET--And meanwhile in the 2018 race:

England (Our Bid Analyses) (My vote #1/FIFA #2)

Netherlands/Belgium (Our Bid Analyses) (My vote # 3/FIFA #4)

Spain/Portugal (Our Bid Analyses) (My vote #4/FIFA #3)

Russia (Our Bid Analyses) (My vote #2/FIFA #1)

9:51 ET-- Just to play an amusing game to pass the time, Here are the bids again as well as who I would vote for/who I think FIFA will vote for)

2022: Australia

(Our Bid Analyses) (My vote: #2/FIFA #1)

Japan (Our Bid Analyses) (My vote #5/FIFA #5)

Qatar (Our Bid Analyses) (My vote #4/FIFA #3)

South Korea (Our Bid Analyses) (My vote #3/FIFA #4)

USA (Our Bid Analyses) (My vote #1/FIFA #2)

9:46 ET-- In 15 minutes or so the world's soccer nerds will turn their attentions to Zurich in order to hear which countries have been selected for the billion dollar boondoggle known as the FIFA World Cup. 9 bid teams are dreaming and hoping of the day when the world will come to play on their shores (bringing lots of money with them).

Here at the Montana Hooligans' World Cup Center, we've (okay, I've) been analyzing the bids and have come up with my own opinions and biases...but the odds that my opinions and biases are the same as a bunch of sextagenarians in Zurich are relatively scant, so...take all of this with a grain of salt.

I'll try to blog as I see things, so keep hitting refresh, and hopefully witticism will come with it.

--Scruffy Rube

MEET THE BID: ENGLAND 2018

With the stars of world futbol alining in Zurich, we quickly dash off the final installment of our Meet the Bid series, highlighting the long perceived front-runner for the 2018 games, England

Tagline: The World Invited.

What the Tagline Should Be: The World Invited...but seriously you guys, show up this time.

You Tube Plea:

Pros: Well, start with the fact that the game has its origins in England. England is the most dominant futbol force on the planet (even if it's team plays like a pack of three-toed sloths in World Cup outrounds). Its league is the most popular. Its players are (at least among) the most well known. Its citizens play and watch more than anyone else on the planet (and drink more Guiness while doing it!). It last hosted in 1966 and is right around the due date for their 50 year return cup (Italy, France and Brazil all waited that long). They've played the game and bid frequently throughout the 90s and 00's, now they want it, the deserve it, by god we all better come to their party!

Cons: When I first heard that England was bidding for 2018 it was widely assumed that the bidding was a mere formality. They wanted it, they'd waited for it, by god they deserved it. If that sounds a little smug to you...that's because it is; and surprisingly for some people smugness is a turn off (did you read that VH1? Sound romantic advice. Can I have a reality tv show now?). And though some are still concerned about the possibility of hooligans and racist fan chants (like you might be if you're considering bringing 31 teams from disparate countries to an insulated, overcrowded, occasionally xenophobic island), the biggest detraction from the English bid is the overzealous British press. In the last months, English newspapers have published harsh expose's accusing several FIFA board members of intending to sell votes for the cup in exchange for youth programs in their countries. While journalistic integrity can be cool, FIFA doesn't exactly like being publicly attacked by people who want them to do favors. (I really do almost expect Sepp Blatter to shout: "Sticks and Stones may break my bones...but your words also hurt me!!!")

Summary: It really boils down to a tough choice for FIFA: give the World Cup to England and rake in obscene gobs of money while exposing yourself to extended criticism in the British press, or don't give England the world cup, make large sums of money elsewhere while exposing yourself to a brief critique and slander in the British press.

Chances: No matter how pessimistic the British have become, never underestimate FIFA's desire for the cash. They're still the front-runners.

Well, that covers the bids. We'll be back Thursday morning with a live blog coverage of the host unveilings 8 AM Mountain...the only time zone that matters.

MEET THE BID: SPAIN/PORTUGAL 2018

Thanksgiving holiday led us to push this post back a little bit, but that just means a little more concentrated commentary in the next days before the winning bids are announced. Now, let's get to Spain/Portugal's bid:

Tagline: (I've looked for a while, can't find one)

What the Tagline Should Be: The Iberian Peninsula is SOOOOooooooOOOO hot right now we don't even need a tagline.

You Tube Plea:

Pros: As the promotional video suggests, Spain and Portugal are very beautiful countries, full of very attractive people who like futbol very very much. Undoubtedly the popularity of futbol among the people who live in Spain and Portugal ensures that (unlike the swathes of empty seats around South Africa this year) every match will be a sell out. Moreover, the futbol played on the peninsula is also incredibly popular around the world. The domestic leagues, especially the Madrid/Barcelona matches, draw a global audience (it's huge in Seoul). Then there's the intense popularity of midfielder/professional-tabloid-headline Christiano Renaldo (young enough to be my son, pretty enough to be my daughter). And finally...you might recall that the Spaniards won the world cup this summer, especially if you know or have met any Spanish citizen...anywhere.

Cons: It's great that Iberian soccer is hot right now, but what the hell difference does right now make in 8 years when Real Madrid has imploded like Lehman Brothers, and Christiano Ronaldo retires and turns into fat Elvis? There's also the fact that FIFA has said they don't want to have joint hosts again (In 2002, Korea and Japan hosted like a couple that broke-up right before hosting a New Years party). Oh, and the fact that bid officials have been accused of swapping votes with the Qatari bid officials (Scandal...no es bueno!) And finally, there's the financial situation of both countries. While Iberian soccer might cool off, Iberian financial distress is just heating up. (If economists are proven correct, a Spain/Portugal world cup might end up being as smart a move as Greece/Ireland....ZING--ECONOMIC JOKE!!)

Summary: Throughout that promotional video I kept thinking: "I want to go to Spain and Portugal"...the bid organizers are basically counting on that sentiment and a few Ronaldo smiles to sway the voters.

Chances: Don't get me wrong, Ronaldo's smile has led to the polar ice-caps melting, but I just think there's too much stacked against them to make the bid a favorite.

Next time on Meet the Bid: England 2018 ("Okay, this isn't funny anymore, give us the World Cup again!")

MEET THE BID: RUSSIA 2018

After finishing the analysis of all 2022 candidates, we move on to the last three bids, each for the 2018 starting with Mother Russia...

Tagline: "Ready to Inspire"

What the Tagline Should Be: "Ready to Inspire....FEAR!"

You Tube Plea:

Pros: If you've read any of the other posts, you know that one of the best things you can do to boost your World Cup bid is offer FIFA a new market to tap into. Growing the game is one of their biggest passions, and when a country starts making more money, the powers that be perk up considerably. (Why else would Brazil be set to host the World Cup and Olympics in the span of 2 years?) Russia (the R in the BRIC gang) is set to offer FIFA an emerging market, and with 8 years before kickoff they should have plenty of time to take all their money and all their clout and fix any problems FIFA identifies. Additionally, Russia can be a ground breaking host offering the first Eurasian cup and offer a rallying point for a diverse and often tenuous alliance of ethnic groups (That's right FIFA, Money & PEACE!). Finally, there's the fact that Russia is looking for their coming out party as a new world power (like Beijing's Olympics)...and the powers that be in Russia, usually get what they want...(or else, FIFA!)

Cons: Let's start with the fact that Russia is HUGE. So the basic logistics of getting around for national team fans is difficult (Heck between St. Petersburg and the other most northern city (Yaroslav) it's 10 hours by train...) So the transport logistics for teams and fans would be almost always solved with plane travel--normally fine, but a little rough given the push for greener games. Then there's the whole problem of the stadia, because while Russia has some stadiums, they need new ones, better ones (ones without the foul stank of communist despair) and while the economy is booming...the bureaucracy is a little tough to navigate...meaning they'll probably need all 8 years. And on that note, it might be a little hard to sell Russia as a brand new nation as long as Vladmir Putin (aka Humanoid Dobby the House Elf) is creating new positions to keep himself in power and attempting to poison former spies. (Doesn't really seem like Fair Play, does it?)

Summary: Russia's an awfully attractive site, especially in a race against other European countries that have already hosted. But the country's also a little/a lot crazypants...not good

Chances: If Vladmir Putin will reportedly turn up to make an emotional appeal, good...If Vladmir Putin turns up to make a death threat, REALLY GOOD!

Next time on Meet the Bid: Spain/Portugal 2018 ("So, we've been successful recently...reward us some more please!!")

MEET THE BID: AUSTRALIA 2022

Today we conclude our look at the 2022 World Cup Bids with a quick analysis of Australia's quest to host the cup.

Tagline: Come Play!

What the Tagline Should be: Come play, get drunk, see a bunch of nature and watch some football...you know...whatever!

You Tube Plea:

Pros: Australia offers a lot of the things FIFA likes best: a burgeoning market for its product, money, distinctive culture, money, adorable children who want to learn the game, money and pretty girls. (That's the problem with Qatar, not enough bikinis!) Other benefits are spelled out in greater depth in this video with (speaking of pretty girls) Nicole Kidman. Undoubtedly the most important benefit is the potential riches involved in turning a sports mad nation into a futbol mad nation. Do that and, in the words of Rod Blagoevich "YOU ARE F*&*ING GOLDEN!". Moreover an Australian cup would offer a small nod to the forgotten step child of FIFA, the Oceania Football Confederation (otherwise known as New Zealand and the Pips). Finally, judging by that promotional video, Australians have superhuman kicking abilities...it would behoove us all to stay on their good side.

Cons: That whole "burgeoning market" thing cuts two ways. While futbol's increasingly popular down under, it still trails Aussie Rules Football, Rugby, Surfing and Drinking Beer as the nation's primary entertainments. For better or worse, Australia is banking on the World Cup to spur interest in the game and push soccer to number one (I would mock this...but America's doing the same thing). Speaking of the land up over, Australia is generally seen to be in direct competition with the US (with Japan, Korea and Qatar, lagging behind). Normally, this would be great given international antipathy towards rewarding the US with still more money. BUT a quick look at the websites of each bid show a stark contrast in the reception the cup might receive in each country. Over 1 Million people have signed a petition on the US site, the petition on Australia's site has 325,000 (I know our education system stinks...but 1 Million is still more than 325,000...right?). And while Australia's connection with Oceania seems like a bonus, the recent banishment of Oceania's chief from voting on the World Cup host might turn that into an albatross.

Summary: It's a good bid, fair dinkum. But the lack of passion might bite them in the bum.

Chances: FIFA loves growing the game, so even with an uncertain national popularity, the promise of liquor, money and pretty girls, might make Australia too good to pass up.

Next Time on Meet the Bids: Russia 2018 (In Russian World Cup Bid...Futbol Plays YOU!!!)

Meet the Bid: USA 2022

Tagline: The Game is in US

What the Tagline Should Be: The Game is in all of us, and all of us are in the US, ergo, the game is in US.

You Tube Plea:

(Preface: I will try to be as neutral as I can...if I fail, I trust someone will tell me)

Pros: Strange as it may sound, America actually might have international interests on our side for once. If we talk about spreading the game around to every continent, then North America will undoubtedly be the most overlooked continent in 2022. Since the US welcomed the world in 1994 every continent will have hosted a World Cup (including Europe 3 times...not that we're jealous or anything). As the only North American country in the game, we've got continental rotation on our side. Moreover our last big sporting event on US soil was the Salt Lake City winter games of 2002 (though there's an outside chance that Bozeman might bid on the Winter Olympics in 2022...VERY outside). So some might say we're overdue (some might also say that we're a pack of imperialist dogs who want to rule the world...but that's for the con section). The stadia have already been built, the fan base has been growing with every world cup, the money should continue to flow, corporations will be on board and we offer more cultural diversity than you can shake a stick at. (Go ahead, try, you'll probably need a redwood).

Cons: Europe is going to get the games in 2018, and England is the likely front runner there, so the prospect of two straight cups that line the pockets of pasty anglos might get the diverse FIFA board to pass. (Though, to rebut that argument, so many companies are owned by WASPy types it doesn't matter where it's held Coke and Nike are going to get their cuts.) It also doesn't help matters that the game is still a niche sport in the US, belittled by the mainstream media, with a minute portion of the population that's really fanatical and no real club presence on the international stage. (Again, to rebut, we do love the World Cup because it's the best of the best...and we do like the best of the best.) Finally, we are a pack of imperialist dogs who want to rule the world (Rebuttal: PBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBT!) But seriously, the more anti-immigration we get, the more this World Cup bid sends a mixed message. (FYI: There would be scheduled games in Pheonix...would be pretty funny to see Lionel Messi deported for lacking proper documentation right before a match against the home team...scandalous...but funny.)

Summary: We've got the money, we've got the infrastructure, we've got the accessibility, we've got the continental politics, we've got the diversity and we've got Morgan Freeman. (He's not Mandela, but he has played him on film!) To be sure, I'm biased...but it's my blog...so pbbbbbt!

Chances: Let's say the US has as much chance of getting the 2022 world cup as your average sports talk radio guy has of ignoring the news that the US got the 2022 world cup...which is to say, REALLY DARN GOOD.

Next Time on Meet the Bids: Australia 2022--Why give it to America in 2022, when you can give it to America circa 1994?

MEET THE BID: JAPAN 2022

Tagline: 208 Smiles/Dream

What the Tagline Should Be: 208 Countries We Can Market our Electronics to!

You Tube Plea:

Pros: Did you know that Japan makes a lot of electronic devices?!? They do!! And they hope to make many more electronic devices within the next 12 years, which is just fine because the world plans on continuing to buy said electronic devices as long as Japan makes them. (This is all my snarky way of saying that Japan has the business might and economic infrastructure to host whatever they want whenever they can have it.) Japan also has a leg up in the competition based on being significantly less European than the WASP-y sorts who populate Australia and the U. S. of A. Add to this the stated goal of making life better for children around the world and FIFA can check off both the: "diversify the game" and "help the little children" boxes on its bid checklist.

Cons: Like Korea, Japan's got the not insignificant albatross of having hosted within the past twenty years hung 'round its neck. It also has the somewhat specious argument of creating great technologies if it is made a host. C'mon, Japan, let's not be coy, you'll be able to make money with those technologies no matter where the cup is and we will all pay you handsomely for it. There's also the somewhat weird suggestion that Japan will invite children from every country on the world to their country...making them the first World Cup host to model their bid on a plot device from Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory.

Summary: No doubt, Japan could easily host the World Cup, but based purely on the reports I read and websites I visit during my research for these posts (all 20 minutes of it), I seriously doubt that Japan will host the World Cup. They have no advertisements, make no big waves, merit no special mention in voting speculation. They could do it for sure, but whether or not they get the chance is another matter entirely.

Chances: About as likely as an eight-year-old farm boy asking for Sashimi.

Next Time on Meet the Bids: USA, 2022 (Won't someone please give us an international sporting event?)

MEET THE BID: KOREA 2022

Tagline: More Than a Game

What the Tagline Should Be: More Than a Game...it's also a Way to One-up Japan.

You Tube Plea:

Pros: Have you ever started watching a hit tv show half-way through? It debuted and you didn't notice, it was on-air for a couple years and you were always busy or watching something else. Nobody really talked about it except to say: "oh yeah, I love that show!"? Well in global affairs that's Korea...the How I Met Your Mother of developing markets. As the You Tube video explains (in the kind of perfect presentation style that I have to give an A for content), Korea has stability politically and economically; its infrastructure is great and it offers a flair of the foreign with the comforts of home (it's EPCOT-tastic!). Also, Korea benefits from its competition: with FIFA honor bound to give the 2018 World Cup to some pasty Europeans it may not want to give the following World Cup to pasty descendants of pasty Europeans (that means bad news for the US and Australia) and the fine-tuned precision of Kora's bid seems a better alternative than Qatar and Japan.

Cons: Only one country has hosted the World Cup twice in twenty years (Mexico 1970 & 1986...and they only got the '86 gig after Columbia spent all its stadium money on Carlos Valderamma's hair gel), most countries have to wait 60 years before they host again (Italy, France, Brazil) and while Korea's great, it might be a little presumptuous to assume they deserve it again so soon. Moreover, the "great fan culture" cuts both ways, if Koreans love football so much they'll watch even if it's not in Korea. So if FIFA wants to grow the game, Korea might not be its best option. (Also: where were the adorable kids in that video? C'mon Korea you're missing the appeal to our heartstrings) It also might be a little naive to assume that FIFA can solve the problem of North Korea by giving South Korea the World Cup (Can you see Kim Jong Il saying: "well, shoot! I was going to keep imprisoning dissidents and asserting my iron will until I died and handed over power to my equally ruthless son, but now that you've given a platform for my main rival to show the world how forward they are and backward I am...I guess I better start behaving!")

Summary: My snarkiness aside, FIFA loves feeling needed and relishes the opportunity to use sport for good. That humanitarian slant, as well as a distinctive culture, stable environment, and excellent footballing history makes Korea a serious contender for the 2022 cup.

Chances: It all depends on the tricky balance of "Pasty European Guilt" v.s. "Growing the Game". If Korea holds up enough pictures of adorable kids holding soccer balls and pouting they have an excellent chance.

MEET THE BID: BELGIUM/HOLLAND 2018

We continue our look at the bids for the 2018 and 2022 World Cups with Belgium and Holland's joint bid for 2018.

Tagline: Together for Great Goals

What the Tagline Should Be: HOPEFULLY We'll Still Be Together for Great Goals

You Tube Plea:

Pros: Beligum and Holland are offering the sensible, northern European approach to hosting futbol's premier event. And what they might lack in beaches and recognizable landmarks they more than make up for in steady, consistent effeciency (Yo HOTTIE!! show us your balanced budgets!!!). Both would be first time hosts and could offer a great chance to pay homage to one of the great international sides of the last 50 years (the perennial bridesmaids in orange). Also, to judge from their YouTube video, they may just be the first nation to broadcast the World Cup in a completely grunge indie ouevre, just think of the massive hipster market waiting to be tapped!!

Cons: That whole sensible approach thing can go right out the window if Belgium's Flemish north breaks away from the Wallonian minority in the south. (I know that "Wallonia" might sound made up, but believe me it, and the hostility towards it are very real). FIFA has said that they aren't real fond of joint-hosting bids, so going from two countries to three might be awkward. Neither country has an 80,000 seat arena for the biggest matches (stupid fiscal logic!). Also if they continue their aesthetic evolution from grunge indie to post-modernism we might just end up with 45 minutes of a match and 45 minutes of a cow's unblinking eye...snooty art critics are not a great futbol market.

Summary: Belgium/Holland probably has a solid chance to be a compromise site. Continental, centrally located, consistently stable, they'll appeal to several EU hugging politicos, but they just don't elicit the same excitement as other nations. (South Africa! Brazil! and now...Belgium?!?) and while the Netherlands has mobilized great players from their history to get out the vote around the world Belgium seems to mostly be sitting back and saying: "uhh...we can help too!"

Chances: Pretty good if England and Russia screw up their bids. And since screwing things up is a grand tradition for both the FA and Russia, I'll go ahead and say: "pretty good".

Our New Look, Our New Mission, and the 1st Installment of Our New Series

Hey, look, this blog now looks like someone pays attention to it, instead of wallowing in the perpetual limbo of circa 2003 hipness!

Hey, look, someone's writing on this blog again after several months of absentee ownership (c'mon, man! Baseball was going on...I might love futbol, but I'm American...I've got to prioritize.) But now that distractions are (mostly) gone, we can focus in on the fun stuff like providing soccer commentary for the smart, and the smartasses of the world.

Hey, listen, I'm sure that professional league futbol is great fun, but it's not a passion here in the States. You know what is? The World Cup. So you know what we should do? Talk about the world cup some more!!! Sure the next installment is four years away. Sure qualifiers won't even start until next summer. Sure there's no way to intelligently predict anything based on anything, but since when has lack of intelligence stopped someone from posting things on the internet? (Case in point.)

So here's what's going to happen now, I'm going to spend the next 24 days in a mad dash trying to explain (in my most sassy of voices) what the chances are for each of the bidders involved in trying to get the 2018 and 2022 World Cups. Both hosts will be announced at the beginning of December which means I should be posting every three days.

With that, let's get cracking! (Just FYI I'm going to go in reverse World Ranking Order...just because I felt like it!)

***

MEET THE BID: QATAR 2022

Tagline: Expect Amazing

Real line: Expect Disappointment

YouTube Plea:

Pros: Qatar is the perfect bidder for FIFA's global domination strategy. Since 1994 they have assiduously tried to incorporate unlikely nations as hosts for the contest (the US, Japan/Korea, South Africa) the only two untapped markets are the Middle-East and the Arctic Circle. Since those damned lazy scientists at Ice Station Zebra were late in their paper work, Qatar has the leg up in the "new market" category. It also hits FIFA g-spots by providing allusions to luxurious accommodations, state of the art facilities, oodles of corporate sponsorship and children in need of athletic inspiration. (C'mon FIFA think of the kids!)

Cons: Qatar wants to hold the world's premier sporting event in a country that's a little bit smaller than South Dakota(boohiss!)'s Black Hills. It wants to have a host of elite athletes play a demanding physical game in average 106 degree temperatures (just what we need: more sweaty Slovenians). It wants to establish itself as a global soccer mecca despite a current FIFA ranking of #109...two spots below giant of the game: Barbados. The greatest player in their history is Mansoor Muftah, if you knew that before that video (and aren't Qatari), I will mail you some cookies. If you'd like to learn more about Mansoor Muftah, you might want something other than Wikipedia where the globe's geeks only came up with 4 sentences for him. Oh, and there were rumors about Qatar trying to swap votes with Spain and Portugal...so...their winning could raise some furor.

Summary: Qatar is easily the biggest long shot in the race to host the World Cup, and while part of me thinks it might be cool to see the game played on that stage, I think their best shot would come as part of a Middle Eastern group (maybe with Bahrain and the UAE?).

Chances: About as good as an ice cube on a Doha sidewalk.

Oops

One of the down sides to having a World Cup blog is that such blogs don't actually--ya know, earn money.

As such the authors of this blog have prioritized work above play--and while we've all watched a bunch of games we haven't written.

To be fair: Matt has a new child on the way and it's best if you get ready for that is actually getting ready for it.

Also, Simon was in a bit of a nasty car accident and begun a new job after graduating from college, so....that was important too.

And I, Ben, was in Ghana for the month doing his thesis research. And while the complete obsession of Ghanaians with football was amazing, Ghanaian internet didn't care what I wanted to say and repeatedly reminded me of this fact by turning into a big white mass of nothing.

So...this is a world cup center that came up, regrettably empty.

But, as a certifiable nerd, sports fan and voicer of irrelevant opinions--I hereby vow that we will be back.

Hopefully we shall return sooner rather than later (perhaps the Champion's League...perhaps the Premiership or perhaps its time to try the MLS again...does Carlos Valderamma still play?) but if nothing else we'll write on Sunday and we'll write again in 2012--when the World Cup quest for qualification begins anew on those little ol' islands in the South Pacific.

Until Sunday--

The Scruffy Rube

On my way

Tomorrow I'll be spending hour after merry hour on a series of planes heading for Accra, Ghana and a futbol hot bed. Though I'm going for school work rather than sporting pleasure, I'm sure that I'll find the time to watch a few matches with some new friends and in so doing come up with stories that I'll be telling for years to come.

Hopefully, Matt and Simon will be able to make greater use of their stable internet connections, but just in case our sources of actual pay checks distract us from the fun of World Cup Soccer, please make use of this handy dandy website and all the gadgets and gizmos that come with it

Happy watching

The Rube

Meet the Teams: 4-for-1 BLOWOUT!!

In honor--or plagiary--of March Madness, we return to our Meet the Team Series with a look at 4 European teams, and how they bear a striking similarity to the four principle teams in the Men's College Baskteball tournament: BEHOLD THE GLORY OF ANOTHER CHART!!

	Italy	Portugal	Greece	Switzerland
March Madness Archetype	Prestige Program	Choke Artist	Mid-Major cinderella Story	Speed Bump
If you cheer for them you may also like cheering for:	Duke Blue Devils	Texas Longhorns	Butler Bulldogs	Alabama State Hornets
Nickname	The “Azzurri”	Seleccao del Quinas (The Five Shields)	None (Taken away by EU in exchange for loan)	Schwizer Nati
Star Player	Fabio Cannavaro	Cristiano Ronaldo	Theofanis Gekas	Alexander Frei
Random player with a name that’s fun to say	Gianluigi Buffon (Sounds like “Buffoon”)	Da Silva Muniz Liedson (Three last names, no firsts)	Socratis Papaststhopolus	Blaise N’Kufo
Tearjerking story to be told in sepia tones	Triumphant story of 23 men who somehow are less attractive to women than Silvio Burlusconi	Triumphant story of a group of men who learn not to fall over at the first bit of contact	Triumphant story of a plucky group of men who help Greece forget about their crippling financial woes	Triumphant story of a group of chocolatiers who play a little sport on the side.
Best Possible Result	Yet another title....yawn	This year is OUR year	Soul stirring semi-final spot	“A pretty girl saw me and smiled!!!!”
Worst possible result	Inexplicable defeat...tar & feather at home	Another disappointment...yawn	Smug satisfaction for “experts”	Get lost on the way to the field
Most likely highlight reel appearance	Holding a big shiny trophy--like....this one!	Looking on in disbelief	Silly celebration	Running feebly after a star player
Likelihood that the coach cries after a championship	0	4	8	-6 (Victory may cause death, make crying impossible)