Waning Seconds: Asia

In just a little more than a week, the last matches of AFC qualifying will begin and we will start slotting our first, official, not-host-nation entrants into the World Cup. As we approach these crucial three weeks worth of games, it's worth noting that every team could still work their way into the cup. And so we present (from most likely to least likely) the scenarios for who will qualify from the AFC

Already Looking At Airfares

Japan (Remaining Matches (6/4--v. Australia; 6/11--@Iraq)

They Qualify If: They get 1 point from either remaining match

They Go to a Play-off If: They lose both matches and Jordan & Iraq win all remaining

They Stay Home Next Summer If: A giant prehistoric lizard thing rises up from the Pacific and decimates Tokyo 

THAT WAY TO BAGGAGE CLAIM!

Confederation champions, top of their group, persistent qualifiers and all around dominant force of Asian football, Japan really is pretty good to go. It would take a pair of crippling losses to Australia and Iraq coupled with Jordan and Australia winning out in huge fashion to knock them down to the play-in games. (Since Jordan and Australia play eachother on June 11th, they'll have to do something pretty fancy in order to both win.) Realistically, if you love Japanese football, you can start booking plane tickets, pricing thongs, stocking up on sunscreen and taking Samba lessons because barring a total disaster, you're going to Brazil next summer.

A Game in Hand is Worth Two in the Bush...or Table Or Something

Right next to Japan in the pantheon of Asian football powers, South Korea and Australia are pretty solid bets for any World Cup now-a-days. And though neither are at the top of their qualifying tables, both have three games left to gain points and get into the final round of competition.

South Korea (Remaining Matches [6/4--@ Lebanon; 6/11--v. Uzbekistan; 6/18--v. Iran])

They Qualify IF: They get a couple wins in their last matches

They go to Play-off IF: They get three points

They Stay Home Next Summer IF: Kim Jong Un gets an itchy trigger finger

All South Korea really needs is a point from each of their three final matches (@ Lebanon and home for Uzbekistan and Iran) and they're golden. Well...actually, all South Korea needs is a point from each of  their final three matches AND somebody to eliminate all the nukes in North Korea and they're golden. And hey, hit four points and you don't even need to worry about the continental play-off.

Australia (Remaining Matches [6/4--@ Japan; 6/11--v. Jordan; 6/18--v. Iraq])
They Qualify IF: They meet expectations
They go to Play-off IF: They continue to underwhelm
They Stay Home Next Summer IF: The wheels fall off the wagon, the shrimp fall off the barbi, and the Fosters plant moves to Holland.

Things are slightly trickier for the Socceroos who have to start with Japan (in a definite struggle that might see them slip out of even third place). But their final two matches (at home versus Jordan [who can't win away from Amman] and Iraq [already beaten by Australia]) offer plenty of points to a merely competent Australian squad.

"Donnie, You're Out of Your Element!"

Unlike the first three teams I wrote about, Uzebekistan and Jordan would be big dance debutants should their current positions hold. But they have one less game to play than their more experienced rivals, and they have little control over what really happens.

Uzbekistan (Remaining Matches [6/11--@South Korea; 6/18 v. Qatar])

Do you recognize these men?

They Qualify IF: The young guns like Sanzhar Tursunov and Farhod Tojiyev pull out at least one big win.
They go to Play-off IF: The old timers like Server Djeparov and Timur Kapadze refuse to let a great start go wrong and get at least a point from each match.
They Stay Home Next Summer IF: All the players want to avoid awkward mispronunciations of their names on international television and they tank the last couple matches

Uzbekistan's youth program has been impressive of late and may make for a compelling dark horse in Brazil. But to get there they'll likely need at least three points to put themselves in the playoffs, and rather than banking on a win in Seoul on the 11th, they'll likely gear up for a more winnable match against Qatar in Tashkent on the 18th.

Jordan (Remaining Matches [6/11--@ Australia; 6/18--v.s. Oman
They Qualify IF: They finally pack their A-Game on the road and defend home turf (as usual)
They go to Play-off IF: They defend home but continue to scuffle on the road.
They Stay Home Next Summer IF: They scuffle both home and away.

Meanwhile Jordan's Al-Nashama (The Chivalrous) have a more closely packed group with three teams behind them, all within two points of second place. Having failed to get a single point on the road in this group, Jordan has to head for Melbourne on the 11th, before closing out with Oman on the 18th. To be fair, the Socceroos have drawn both of their home ties this campaign, so a point in Melbourne isn't out of the question, but if The Chivalrous want to make King Abdullah proud, they definitely need the win in Amman (and then hope for a fair shot in the continental play-offs)

Literally...Everything to Play For

Iran (Remaining Matches [6/4--@ Qatar; 6/11--v. Lebanon; 6/18--@ South Korea])
They Qualify IF: They want to live like heroes
They go to Play-off IF: They want to live
They Stay Home Next Summer IF: They want to live like heroes of a revolution

Iran has a long and storied history in international football (like Japan, South Korea and Australia); they also have three games still to play (like South Korea and Australia), but they have a slightly more challenging task ahead of them. They're already 3 points back of South Korea, and need multiple results in their favor to pull ahead of Uzbekistan. They have to face the two underdog teams in Lebanon and Qatar whose whole campaigns hinge on beating Team Melli, before finishing IN South Korea.

Khameni prefers a 4-3-4

Then there's this: Iran's presidential election is scheduled for June 14th (between the Lebanon and South Korean matches). It will be the first election in Iran since the Arab Spring and the Green Revolution that threatened full scale rebellion during the last election (2009). Mahmoud Ahmadinijad will not be running. The Aytollah has blocked genuine reformers including former president Akbar Hashemi Rafsanjani from candidacy. And the national team includes Masoud Shojaei and Captain Javad Nekounam who both suddenly "retired" after supporting the Green Revolution protestors publicly during their last qualifying campaign. Add to all of this the fact that qualifying for the World Cup is a welcome distraction from domestic troubles, but failing to qualify for the World Cup kind of, sort of, endangers really any ruling party in any country anywhere.

SO! If Iran beats Qatar and Lebanon, not only will they qualify for at least the continental play-offs, but the elections likely go off without a hitch, protecting players for another year or more and installing another hardline reformer who follows the will of the Ayatollahs. If Iran drops either or (inshallah) BOTH games, the populace (particularly young men with nothing better to do) will likely be dissatisfied, the elections are jeopardized and Shojaei and Nekounam (plus any other idealistic young athletes) have to face the awkward decision of whether they stand up with their fellow citizens and risk expulsion from the team [again] OR if they shut up and play out the string as their country roils from the inside out.

That's a little bit of pressure, wouldn't you say?

Clinging to the Cliff Face

I kind of want in on this party!

Oman (Remaining Matches [6/4--v.s. Iraq; 6/18--@Jordan])
They Qualify IF: They dominate their last two opponents and run up the goal differential
They go to Play-off IF: They just take care of business
They Stay Home Next Summer IF: They decide they don't want to allow jabronis around the world to shout "Oh, man! Oman lost again!" and throw the last two matches

As we noted with Jordan, there are four teams bunched within 2 points of each other. And all that comes to a head when Iraq and Oman square off in Muscat on the 4th of June. A win for Oman and they can write their own ticket, they'll be just a point in Jordan away from a minimum 3rd place finish. 

Iraq (Remaining Matches [6/4--@Oman; 6/11--v.s. Japan; 6/18@Australia])
They Qualify IF: They rule and their opponents drool.
They go to Play-off IF: They do well and their opponents do slightly less well...
They Stay Home Next Summer IF: They are average and their opponents are a little better than that.

Meanwhile, a win for Iraq puts the recent Asian title holders on a brutal final set of matches, at home versus Japan and in Australia. Best case scenario: Iraq beats Oman while Japan wraps up their qualifying with a win over Australia. Then Japan rests their stars allowing Iraq an easy three points in the second match, setting up a decisive final match against Australia (who pull a measly draw with Jordan in their second match), with momentum going all the way of the Lions of Mesopotamia. Worst case scenario: literally anything else happens.

Qatar (Remaining Matches [6/4--v. Iran; 6/18--@Uzbekistan])
They Qualify IF: They shock they world
They go to Play-off IF: They mildly surprise the world
They Stay Home Next Summer IF:  They totally underwhelm the world

And then there's Qatar the little nation that wants so badly to prove they aren't the corrupt ne'er-do-wells who swiped away the 2022 World Cup from other countries. Their chance to prove exactly that starts on the 4th in Doha where a win over Iran would go a long way to improving their odds (and ruining Iran's). Provided that Iran and Uzbekistan scuffle in their June 11th matches (against Lebanon and South Korea respectively) that sets the stage for Qatar to slip in if they win big in Uzbekistan on the 18th.

Slim To None

Lebanon (Remaining Matches [6/4--v.South Korea; 6/11--@Iran])
They Qualify Directly IF: They refuse to lose and other teams refuse to win
They go to Play-off IF: They refuse to lose and one team stubbornly meets expectations
They Stay Home Next Summer IF: They accept their own limitations and find satisfaction in their accomplishments to this point.

We've been driving the Lebanon bandwagon for over a year and a half now. But there is only one path that can get our beloved Cedars into a qualifying scenario. They need to win their last two matches: against South Korea in Beirut and at Tehran and then hope that Qatar and Iran draw their own match (June 4th during the South Korea game) and lose/draw the rest of the way.

Any outright victory for either the Qatari or the Iranians and Lebanon would have to get a massive swing in goal differential, or a horrific plague of gout in the other countries...so, better win now.

Those are all the ways that Asian qualification could end. And while we would love to see Japan, Australia, South Korea, and the Uzbeks make it in (with Lebanon squeaking into the intercontinental playoffs) We have to admit, it's a tetchy possibility at best. 

One thing's for sure. Monday Morning Futbol is going to be a whole lot of fun for the next three weeks.

Happy Trails #123-121: Islands in the Stream

The first confederation to finish their qualification round has passed the post.

Oceania has, unsurprisingly, crowned New Zealand as their best hope to qualify for the World Cup. The Kiwis will be looking to make their second consecutive Cup, and after shocking Italy and nearly making the round of 16 last time around, they have a great opportunity again here. But first they'll have to beat the 4th place team in CONCACAF (currently that's Honduras, but Mexico's just a point back).

But there will be time to analyze the All-Whites later. This is the time we set aside to bid farewell to the teams whose dreams of glory are now gone (assuming they had dreams of glory to begin with). So join me as we pour out a Mai Tai for those we lost this round.

#123: See ya, Solomon Islands
Why they lost: The confederations' top underdog, underperformed after an opening win against Tahiti. Giving up 6 goals to New Zealand, and then 11 goals to New Caledonia over two matches will do that to you.

What we'll miss: The opportunity to keep talking about the Bonitos (the team mascot and a particularly rough kind of tuna fish) and this...the coolest federation logo in this group of Happy Trails participants

#122: Parahi, Tahiti
Why they lost: Chalk it up to over confidence. After a stunning OFC Confederations title (besting New Caledonia and never having to face New Zealand) Tahiti was riding high coming into the last round of OFC qualifications. But once they started playing away from the magical pitch at Honoria (in the Solomon Islands), things got shaky and Team Fenua, as they are known, were toast.

What we'll miss: The stirring story of how part-time footballers are competing against heavy weights like Spain and Uruguay...wait a second...they're going to the Confederations Cup this summer? Well, then we'll miss telling those stirring stories twice.

#121: Adieu, New Caledonia
Why they lost: The land of speech, land of sharing fell just short of one of the biggest shocks in 2014 qualifying. They were still alive in the contest (just three point behind New Zealand entering the last two matches), but they needed to get another victory of New Zealand--after pulling a stunning 2-0 victory last June--and a big goal differential victory of Solomon Islands, while Tahiti held the Kiwis to a draw or loss.

But New Zealand won against the Kagus and the dream died there. Still, New Caledonia may be a dark horse to watch in future qualifications

What we'll miss: Trying to explain what in the heck that national emblem is...oh and promising new comers Georges Gope-Fenepej and Caesar Lolohea.

CAF WIBD: Crocodile Tears

It's been a little while since our last journey down the "Well-I'll-be-darned" street, and while we will be wrapping up most of the qualifying in the next six months, there's still a chance to root for those tiniest of minnows.

We continue our tour of lesser known teams battling for a shot at Brazil 2014 in Africa, by taking a trip  to the tiny state of Lesotho, surrounded by South Africa, crouched in the bottom of their second round group, but still granted an opportunity that other countries don't have: to play the game with the world on the line. (So take that Bhutan and Vanuatu!)

I like her hat better...
Photo: Catholicforum.com

Lesotho (aka "The Crocodiles") started their campaign ranked #185 in the world (August 2011) presumably because the Will & Kate royal wedding had finally eradicated glow of King Lesthi III's royal wedding a decade before.  Yet the Crocodiles rolled on to round two by beating Burundi.

As a reward for their positive showing in the first round of qualifying Lesotho got lumped with a couple tough opponents for round 2, including Ghana (fresh from their shoulda-been-semis performance in South Africa), Zambia (hungry to prove themselves and gearing up for what would be their first African Cup of Nations title this winter) and Sudan (I wouldn't want to mess with Omar al-Basheer, would you?).

Sure enough they got thumped in the opener 7-0 by the Black Stars tying their national federation's record for worst. loss. ever.

Goal scorer Letsipe Marabe
(Courtesy www.mtnfootball.com)

Since then Basotho fans have been able to cheer their boys in blue & green much more. At home in Maseru they've drawn twice and even notched a much needed goal which lifted them past Sudan into third place.

Still, it might be early to ring the victory bells (or rather, since this is Lesotho the setelo-tolo/jaw harp), there's a long way to go. This is unchartered water for the crocodiles and if young gun Letsipe Marabe is the only guy to get a goal, there's not a whole lot of veteran leadership who can keep the young squad steady if Ghana runs up the score again (hint...they probably will...).

Still, as long as there is a blog like this there will be foolish hopefulness for the underdog. If the Crocodiles can get wins in their next/last three matches (two of which are away from home) they can shockingly, miraculously, eliminate both the continent's champion and their best performer from the past two world cups.

Impossible you say?!? Yeah, probably...but where's the fun in admitting defeat?

Waning Seconds: Oceania

As we enter the middle months of 2013, World Cup Qualifying is approaching its final throes. While we normally recount the results, honoring winners and losers after they matches have all gone final: we're happy to talk a little about the possibilities that are still afoot as individual confederations wrap up their qualifying campaigns.

Most will finish sometime in September or October, but already tiny little Oceania is approaching its' climactic weekend of matches. Where three teams will go home and the other...will also go home...until November when they have to go play someone in North/Central America.

There's really only one match up that will determine the victor of Oceania and that's the plucky New Zealand Kiwis (they who stymied the divas of Italy back in South Africa). However, in OFC qualifying New Zealand is practically a whale, but they're a whale being hunted by the Kagus of New Caledonia. (Okay, not really hunted...but the Kagu is almost flightless and the Kiwi is totally flightless so that's one feather in the New Caledonia cap...so to speak)

BEHOLD THE BATTLE OF THE BIRDS! (Kiwi on the left; Kagu on the right)

It's an uphill battle for New Caledonia, they trail the Kiwis by 3 points and a goal. So their best hope is to beat the Kiwis on Friday (ideally by more than a single goal) and then hope they earn an equal or better result in the Monday matches [the Kagus play cellar dwellers Tahiti, while the Kiwis face the Solomon Islands].

Georges Gope-Fenepej

Truth be told, New Caledonia doesn't have a whole lot of experience at this level of competition. The whiff of international prominence must be a heady aroma, and they have only 3 World Cups of experience to go off of. Still there is hope, including rising Caledonian star: Georges Gope-Fenepej (whose last name is real and not the result of accidentally smashing my hand against the keyboard). Gope-Fenepej, recently acquired by Ligue 1 debutante Troyes, has 14 goals in 15 matches that set him apart as a special player on the pitch.

Smeltz like teen spirit

Meanwhile, New Zealand is still basking in the glory of being the big kid on the playground of the South Pacific. A stirring showing in South Africa is a big help, but as the roster of their golden generation ages (leaders Shane Smeltz and Chris Killen are each 31), the Kiwis time at the top might be running out. And yet, there's no one who has come close to touching them in qualifying to this point (they easily dispatched New Caledonia 2-0 in their last meeting back in September. And with hefty wins against Tahiti and the Solomon Islands already in the bag, regardless of Friday's outcome, the qualifiers from 2010 will likely feel confident heading into their final matches again.

We'll have to wait until the weekend to see who walks away from the Oceanic qualifying to fight on (several months and millions of miles away). But whoever it is there will be a grateful endangered bird out there somewhere...

Happy Trails 129-124: Exit the Hexagon...

It's not quite like losing a bout in Ultimate Fighter, but the losers we discuss here might feel just as battered, bruised and beaten. Left in the lurch by grim misfortune, they have to head back to the drawing board and dream of four years from now when they might redeem themselves.

But enough about the Republican party, let's talk about the teams that bowed out of CONCACAF Qualifying in the penultimate group stage. (You know...five months ago when I meant to publish this but apparently didn't.) Failing to make the final hexagonal hurdle is no great shame (the U.S. flirted with that possibility up until their final match), but still that means no trip to Brazil, no fame and fortune, no Vanity Fair cover shoot, just quiet preparation for going to Russia...ugh.

So let's sound a solemn samba for the departed (before starting a joyous Livenka polka for their next chance!)

129: Goodbye Guyana
Why they lost: As we outlined in the WIBD edition for the second round, the Golden Jaguars simply don't have the experience or talent on the roster to make themselves a viable contender in North America.

What we'll miss: Other than sincere satisfaction of seeing a little ol' minnow elevate themselves to the level of a regional spoiler? Just saying the nickname "Golden Jaguars" as often as possible.

128: And we'll see you soon Antigua and Barbuda

Why they lost: Like Guyana, A & B got a single point out of six matches. Facing off against recent Cup qualifiers from Jamaica and the US probably wasn't a tremendous help either.

What we'll miss: There's a serious boom of Antiguans, Barbudans and Antinguan/Barbudans popping up on the rosters of English clubs: Nottingham Forrest, Oxford United, Reading, Motherwell and Wycombe. Plus it'd be cool to see a match in the glorious Cricket Castle of Sir Vivian Richards Stadium


127: Adios Cuba

Why they lost: After FIFA set Cuba up with a bye into round three, the "Lions of the Caribbean" acted much more like pussy cats than kings of the jungle (or tropical sea...or whatever). It didn't help that their players have a nasty habit of seeking asylum whenever they get a breathe of fresh air on foreign soil.

What we'll miss: Cuban pulled pork sandwhiches...oh wait! This is America, we can get those anytime!! (Seriously though...you can't go wrong with a good [or bad] Castro joke)


126: Hasta luego El Salvador

Why they lost: Despite a rather stellar legacy as a Central American soccer state, El Salvador couldn't get over the hump of the more recent continental darlings Costa Rica or true goliath Mexico

What we'll miss: The chance for a touching homage to Forward and international team lynchpin Rudis Corrales who suffered a stroke in April 2012 and would have made for a great angle on the up-and-coming Salvadorans.


125: Farewell/Adieu Canada

Proof that Cuba's better than Canda
at pork products.

Why they lost: Finishing just a point short of both Honduras and Panama, the Canucks have to be grimacing and the lost chance to get a win at home against Honduras (a result made all the more bitter by a subsequent 8-1 drumming in San Pedro Sula).

What we'll miss: Are you serious...there aren't enough jokes about the other countries in the world COMBINED to make up for the mockery we can make of Canada! Like this one: Hey Canada is that Bacon or are you just looking at Ham through Maple Syrup goggles? [crickets chirp]


124: Ciudata Guatemala

Why they lost: Two goals. Two gol' durn goals! That's all that stood between Guatemala and a berth in the next round. If they'd just given up two fewer goals, or scored two more (or split the dang difference for all I care). A 3-1 win at home versus Jamaica? A 3-2 loss against the US? And voila...problem solved!

What we'll miss: Fun times with the Guatemalan immigrant community here in Minnesota, plus the super avant-garde federation logo which win our Happy Trails logo contest for this round.

UEFA WIBD: If you're going to San Ma-rino...

It will be a rare day in the land of FIFA World Cup qualifiers when this Wednesday we see only 6 games on the docket. But, this kind of scheduling quirk is actually ideal for our now fairly regularly installments in the series chronicling the trials and tribulations of underdog teams.

"So...Europe?"

If you can't tell, I don't really look at Europe and see underdogs. Europe's where the power in FIFA lies (and will lie whenever old white man Sepp Blatter decides to cede power to slightly-less-old-white-man Michel Platini). Europe's where the biggest leagues are. Europe's where the biggest stars play their club football. Europe's won the last two world cups (with closest rival Brazil looking absolutely bored with trying to keep up). In Europe the question is not whether or not they should host the world cup, but WHO among them should host it.

But all that power is not equally spread among all European nations. Sure England, France, Holland and their fellow continental powers dominate practically every single award category and conversation about the sport, but those countries have to go through the qualifying process like anybody else. Two poor results and suddenly those Goliaths might go reeling. After all England, france and Holland have each missed a cup in the past two decades--so there's a chance (however mind-bogglingly miniscule) that a non-power could slip in via some choice upsets.

So, in that spirit, we're rooting for an avalanche of upsets to tilt the tables in favor of the tiny nation known as San Marino. Though the Sammarinese might boast of their millenium old sovereigncy or 400-year-old constitution, they have little to boast of on the pitch thanks to a record of 1 Win, 4 Draws, 119 losses.

Hint, Palazzi is the one not getting the ball...

To be fair, with only 32,000 people within its boundaries San Marino has fewer people than Butte, Montana; so perhaps if San Marino and Butte joined forces the team could be twice as good (and totally prepped for playing at high altitudes).


But more likely, the team known as La Serenissima ("The Serene") will be content to draw from their own local pool of semi-pro players in an effort to catch lightning in a bottle and inspire a new wave of talent. The team does boast two players in (the lowest rungs of) Italian football in 25 year old Defender Mirko Palazzi, and 23 year-old Forward Allesandro Bianchi.

While the team has (unsurprisingly) yet to score a goal in 3 qualifiers while (again, unsurprisingly) allowing 13, they can take solace in the fact that they are only 2 points behind Ukraine and still technically alive for the World Cup. And sure that road to Brazil will require several big wins to erase their goal deficit and perhaps a nuclear disaster that wipes England off the map, but maybe, just maybe this can become reality.

Dream on San Marino, Dream on.

OFC WIBD Solomon Islands

It's time for another edition of my occasionally recurring series, honoring the minnow to watch in the next round of qualifying...even if the qualifying has already started and I'm actually way behind in making these posts.

This time around, we're honoring the Solomon Islands the "Well I'll Be Darned" candidate from Oceania's OFC. That oft overlooked corner of the FIFA globe that consists of New Zealand and....everybody else.

And yet, everybody else has done alright of late. Heck, Tahiti managed to win the regional cup this summer to book their spot at the Confederations Cup next year in Brazil (where they will face Spain, Brazil and a host of other countries poised to beat them up and take their lunch money). So what does it take to come out of a pack of disrespected, underanalyzed nations as the most disrespected and the least analyzed?

Fear the Fish

Well consider that in all recent FIFA rankings the Bonitos have ranked fourth out of the four remaining OFC candidates, and that when the final round began they were 174th in the world, behind already eliminated Vanuatu, Samoa and Tonga.


But there's hope afoot for the team named after predatory tuna*! (*Yes there's a predatory tuna, so remember that the next time you open a can of cheap fish-type substance, you may be eating a ravenous beast!) With three points in the bag, and three matches left (starting tomorrow at New Caldonia). The Solomon Islands can still make a come back. First they need to win against New Cali, a team in only its third world cup campaign. Then they take on bottom feeding Tahiti (still basking in the glow of their imminent destruction in Brazil next summer). Wins in both of those matches could set up an all important final fight against the Kiwis IN the Solomons.

The one and only
Henry Fa'arodo
(footballzz.com)

Sure, the local press has relegated the national team to the back pages of the sports section. (The futsal team gets all the coverage...stupid futsal.) But that doesn't mean that the Solomon's don't have a shot, it just means that it will be even more surprising when they triumph!

What's more, with the well-capped and beautifully coiffed Henry Fa'arodo in midfield, the island nation's attack has plenty of promise whenever it heads down the pitch. And while Fa'arodo may be in the twilight of his international career he has certainly paved the way for a new generation to continue the Solomon's slow rise to regional prominence. Fa'arodo may still be the only Solomonder to make it to Australia's A-League, but others like Benjamin Totori and Nelson Kilifa have joined him overseas, or rather, over a sea. And with 20-year-old striker Gagame Feni starting his career in New Zealand, the next level may well be just around the corner for all of the Solomons.

We'll have to wait and see if the next level comes to them even sooner in the World Cup.

Literature + Futbol = Nerdery Personified

Okay, so I love football, I even call it football even though my fellow Americans prefer to call that thing where you throw/carry the ball with your hands "football". But I also love books, and I love combining the two whenever possible.

With another round of World Cup matches right around the corner I thought I'd break down the favorites in the nerdiest way possible: through the odds on favorites to win the Nobel Prize in Literature (according to ladbrokes betting house...which places bets on everything from intellectual achievement to whether or not anyone ever reads this post....oooh, 9 Zillion to 1...I LIKE THOSE ODDS!!)

Rather than look at everyone on the list I'll suggest that the top 10 favorites may well inspire their teams to victories in the near future. (Even though #3 Mo Yan of China and #10 Adonis of Syria can't inspire their local sides to Cup qualification...what with those teams already losing and everything)

Does he wanna talk about Japan's
chances against France or Brazil

Most of the top 10 writers can already claim to support powerful teams. Top of the list is Haruki Murakami, he of the wild and stylistically invigorating 1Q84...though the Tengu Warriors have friendlies against titans France and Brazil but don't play another cup qualifier until November, you've got to like their odds against Oman as they look to move on to the Mundial.

Similar good fortune may be in the offing for Ladbrokes' other Goliath writers: #4 Alice Munro (Canada v. Cuba); #6 Bob Dylan...yes that Bob Dylan... (USA V. Antigua & Barbuda) #7 Cees Noteboom (Netherlands v. Andorra).  Heck, even #5 Peter Nadas, has to feel pretty good as his Hungary takes on Estonia...come on Estonia, you call that a couplet?

#8 Ngugi wa Thiong'o won't get to push the Harambee Stars through a qualifier (they wait 'til March to play top of their table Nigeria)...still! Kenya does have a friendly against South Africa next week. And if Thiong'o's got the momentum his team might upend the most recent African winner, J.M. Coetzee.

Pop-Quiz: is this Albanian author Ismail Kadare,
or Albanian captain Lorik Cana...I really don't know

And who knows what to expect when #9 Ismail Kadare of Albania has his nation face off with Iceland. Seriously, I don't know about Ismail Kadare or any players on either of those teams...I'm stumped.

But perhaps the biggest upset has already been prognosticated by looking at the 2nd favorite in the Ladbrokes odds: Irish poet William Trevor. Does this mean that the Irish will spring an upset on Germany in Dublin this Friday? (Especially since the Germans don't have anybody on Ladbrokes list?) Probably not...but hey! If I can't make wild conjectures here, where can I make them? Put it down! Ireland over Gemrany this Friday.

Blame it on the Grey

Perhaps most importantly...Ladbrokes longest of longshots this year is Fifty Shades of Grey author EL James whose English heritage may destroy the Three Lions if she wins and thereby uses up all their momentum against San Marino...yes. I hereby proclaim that if EL James wins the Nobel Prize in Literature (against 500/1 odds), then San Marino should definitely take the win against England (they're currently 400/1 according to Ladbrokes).

GO SAN MARINO!!

CONCACAF WIBD (Rd. 3) Guyana

Continuing on with our series of underdogs and unlikely qualifiers in need of a little love and support, we look into our own North American backyard in search of a team with grit, gumption, guts and other things that start with G (gorillas, gogo dancers, gefilte fish?).In that spirit we offer our Well-I'll-Be-Darned, Minnow to Watch: Guyana.

WEAR YELLOW!! (Guyana Times International)

Though Cuba is the lowest ranked team remaining they were given free passage to this round of the competition (the Castro's know that cigars are the secret to every international organization's heart), and though Antigua and Barbuda have shared the distinction of being a bottom-ranked local team, the Golden Jaguars have been consistently lower ranked than the others and had to struggle through a group including former World Cup darlings: Trinidad &Tobago's Soca Warriors.

Strangely, press on the Golden Jaguars is somewhere between scant and nonexistent. Local press blocks their websites so I have no idea what they think of the squad, but I do know what a British tv show thought of them back in 2010.


In case you don't want to watch...it's not good. Losing to a regional British semi-pro team isn't promising, and though Guyana does boast some talented relatives in world football, including Dewayne DeRosario of Canada, but none of those top players opt for Guyanese kits. The most decorated player is actually 32 year old defender Leon Cort of Charlton (in England's top minor league). Mr. Cort has 4 whole caps.

And yet! Here's Guyana. One round away from the final stage of CONCACAF competition. Heck they practically dominated their last round of competition, clinching a berth in the next round with a stellar victory against Trinidad and Tobago at home (over to you local sports reporter)



Thanks local sports reporter! Now sure, Guyana's been dealt a tough hand having been slammed hard in their first games against Costa Rica and Mexico. And yes, they haven't gotten a point from a game since May 4th (against titans Guadeloupe), and they haven't scored a goal in FIFA matches since since last November (and the above shown game against T&T) but they do have one of the coolest named coaches in all of football: Jamaal Shabaaz.

Coach Shabaaz will be sure to do what he can with a team led by North American Soccer League up and comer Nick Millington, and the aforementioned veteran Leon Cort. Whether or not it's enough, they've bucked the odds by getting here in the first place. And for that we salute them!

AFC WIBD Round 4: Stand Still and Conquer

We're back to the "Well-I'll-Be-Darned" awards, recognizing unlikely teams who still have a shot at qualifying for the World Cup Finals in Brazil.


We'll start with the team closest to qualification...the mighty Cedars of Lebanon the first team to ever win a regional WIBD Award two rounds running!

Yes, Lebanon moved on despite being the lowest ranked qualifier for the AFC's 3rd Round. This was a team that wasn't supposed to beat Bangladesh in Round 2. But they topped the Tigers and moved on to face the UAE, Kuwait and South Korea. None of whom they'd beaten in a World Cup competition over the last 20 years earning our praise in the process.

As many predicted, Lebanon suffered an early smack down at the hands of South Korea. But then beat the UAE at home, drew with Kuwait, beat Kuwait IN Kuwait City and pulled the biggest stunner of all: topping Asian giant South Korea 2-1 in Beirut to move on to the next round of the competition.

Despite my laziness and lackadaisical/nonexistent posting, Lebanon has continued on in the competition battling Korea (again), rising power Uzbekistan, fading power Iran, and embattled future cup hosts Qatar.

An early loss in Beirut to Qatar put the Trees on the ropes, and while they salvaged a point against the Uzbeks, another loss in South Korea have left them in dire need of as many points as possible, as quickly as possible.

Still, we remain optimistic that Lebanon can do just that. Start with the fact that the rest of the world has started to take notice. The UN used the symbol of a football team bringing unity to a war torn country as the basis for a unifying tv show. Even the BBC covered their rise to prominence. The Australian Socceroo's are a little worried ahead of an upcoming friendly match, and while Captain Roda Antar will be unavailable due to injury, the rest of the first squad should be available for the critical upcoming matches at home against Iran and in Qatar.

NOT Coach Bucker

Coach Theo Bucker (not revenge of the Nerds star: Booger) remains a focal point for the team. The players love him, even if the fans are dubious of his goalie choices, preferring local veteran Ziad Al-Samad, to Swedish based 23 year old novice Abbas Hassan. A summer time struggle to qualify for the regional Arab Cup increased the pressure on Bucker.

Still Bucker's got a vision to make the Cedars not just a success this year, but a constant presence in Asia's upper echelon, by mirroring the Japanese model of developing great local coaches and ensuring long term growth.

Nader Matar, a stylish young man
in need of a nickname

That effort will likely be helped by the rise of young international talents from the Lebanese diaspora. In addition to Hassan playing in Sweden other young talents like 22 year old Ahmad Zreik (in Greece) and Nader Matar (in Spain) promise to serve up balls to the prodigious young talent Hasaan Matoouk. {But seriously guys we need to come up with some nicknames, how about Nader "To"Matar? Huh? A little vegetable punning?)

It's been great to have a team not just to cheer for but to cheer for as they actually excel! We Montanan Soccer Hooligans will continue to rally as much support as we can for Lebanon. Fight on you mighty Cedars! Stand still and conquer!

MatchDay Culture Wars: Holland V. Turkey

As a new initiative on this site I'll post a quick look ahead at an upcoming World Cup Qualifier match day, in an effort to give fans without a vested interest in the match a choice in who to root for. Matches are picked at random (unless people actually vote in the poll at the right) and may be inspired by research and writing done by any interested students I have.

Giving "Turkey Swiss" a
whole new meaning

THIS WEEK: A guide to the biggest match in the first European Match Day--Holland V.s. Turkey.

On the pitch, there's lots to like about both Holland and Turkey. The Dutch have their Total Futbol style, their epic underdog heritage, their repeated defeats on the world's biggest stage, and their violent orange unis to recommend them. Turkey had an epic run to third place in 2002 and along with a century of great history they also have a rising young midfield talents in Nuri Sahin (Liverpool) and 18 year old Turk-Swiss, wunderkind Kerim Frei (Fulham).

But in case you don't pick your teams based on their talent, you might as well make your pick on two titans of Dutch and Turkish culture. We refer of course to Hall of Fame pitcher Bert Blyleven and Nobel Prize winning author, Orhan Pamuk! Which one is more your style, here are my suggestions.

For fans of complex literature, filled with difficult characters and emotional charged realizations about Islam's place in the Western World. Your choice should be Orhan Pamuk. That's what he does, and he does it darn well.

Don't we all?

But if you prefer fart jokes to literature, and just want a guy who will sit back, swear a little bit, talk about the good ol' days of quarter hot dogs, and never make you feel remotely bad about your creaky math skills. Bert Blyleven is your guy!


If you're someone who digs on subverting authority, never letting the man get them down and speaking truth to power, you'll probably like Pamuk. If you like statistical analyses with your sports and appreciate fine facial hair, you're more likely to go for Blyleven.

Most importantly of all. When choosing a cultural figure to like (and, by association, a team to root for) you should know exactly where they stand on the issue that brought you to this site and article in the first place: FUTBOL!

Pamuk on Futbol (from an interview with Der Spiegel): "The image that I remember most of all is of the Febernace players storming into the stadium before kickoff. They were called the canaries because of their yellow jerseys, it was as if they, like canaries, were fluttering into the stadium out of a hole. I loved it. It was poetry. It's like religion. I can't explain it."

Blyleven on Futbol: "April 6th is my Birthday!"

So, make of that what you will...will you cheer for the literary, rebellious, poetic fan Pamuk and Turkey? or The goofy, stat king, goofy Blyleven and Holland?

The superior team (and, by association, person) will be decided September 7th

Lessons from Euro 2012 3 On/3 Off

It's all over in Kiev (and in Poland too...but...meh, it's Poland). And, despite our stubborn insistence that Europe is just one confederation among many (rather than the grand masters of football artistry), there's much to note in the UEFA final tournament, so in that spirit here's our run down of the rising (3 On) and the falling (3 Off)

Yup, again (zeenews.india)

3 ON

1. Spain still sets the gold standard: Say what you will about the monotony of European competitions (Spain comes, Spain conquers, Everyone else mimics Spain), nobody can quite match La Roja's fluidity, grace and efficiency of play. It seems illogical that this can really last much longer, but until its proven otherwise: Spain and the Spanish style of play remains the style to beat (if you can)
2. Reports of Italy's Demise are greatly exaggerated: While many people [points ostentatiously at self] were giddy at Italy getting positively smashed at the last World Cup, the Azurri are not quite ready to be relegated to the second level of World Powers (unlike, say, France). Despite the probable end to careers of recent Cup winners Gianluigi Buffon and Andreo Pirlo; a future with Mario Balotelli and Daniele DiRossi can't be all bad.
3. I admit it...Europe's good...: Cheering for underdogs makes us perpetual Europe-baiters, we'd much rather see a World Cup final of Ghana v. Mexico, or even Tahiti V.s. Lebanon than another Italy v.s. Germany "clash of the titans". Still, if you're at all interested in pure talent on the pitch you can't complain while watching Europe send their best sides out into the fray. No matter how much I may whinge, the road to greatness still goes through the continent.

3 OFF

You stay classy, Croatia!
(nydailynews.com)

1. PKs are guaranteed to spoil a good game: When I was a kid I used to think that anything that wasn't a penalty shoot out was just plain boring. My brothers and I created a backyard game of it: all PKs, all the time. And maybe, if that's all you watch it can be exciting, but after 90 minutes of solid play, having to sit through 30 minutes of "I'd-rather-not-even-try" extra time can make you cry. Solving these problems are decisions above my pay grade--but something, anything is better than this...(maybe a Hunger Games style fight to the finish?)
2. England can't figure out how not to disappoint: Speaking of sad sacks on the verge of destruction...the Three Lions of England seem to actively seek ways to, first, inflate the hopes of their nation and, second, dash those hopes into a million, billion, broken pieces. Undefeated in the group stage (including some impressive little footwork in dispatching the Swedes), England was naturally defeated in one of the aforementioned penalty shoot outs. Lets go ahead and say it: England will look dominant in World Cup Qualifying but not come close to hoisting the cup in 2014.
3. Europe's dirty secret isn't so secret any more...but it's still dirty: Along with a tournament of the beautiful game we got a tournament full of ugly racism. As the globalization of team rosters becomes ever more apparent (with Turkish Germans, Ghanaian Italians and Ethiopian Czechs), the spread of racism becomes equally apparent. While many point out that these are "isolated" incidents, and the acts of "only a few" those few seem to have no compunction about making it known in grossly inappropriate places: hence the cruel Croatians and rascally Russians being ignored just as often as they're fined. But since the fans don't pay the fines (and the federations have plenty of cash in their coffers) there's aren't really disincentives. How about this instead: get caught abusing players once in a match and it's a yellow, do it twice it's a red and your team forfeits. Two yellows in back-to-back games and the fans get suspended for the next match...it works for friendlies, qualifiers, even tournaments--if you're going to change the culture, you've got to make it count. (And hey, keep it up Russia and we'll just see how long you keep that 2018 event you're planning on)

Happy Trails #143-130 (Catching up on 2012's Eliminations)

143: Tofa Samoa
Why They Lost: A very young side, Samoa may not have had quite the experience to keep up with Tahiti and New Caldonia, or to stop themselves from yiedling 24 goals in 3 matches (this despite their triumphing over fellow minnows (American Samoa, Cook Islands and Tonga)

Fear my adorable WRATH!
(Optusnet.com)

Who/What We'll Miss: Traditional Samoan tattoos (or Pe'a) would have been guaranteed to freak out a few opponents and add a little non-Ronaldo based color.


142: Lukim Yu Bihain Papua New Guinea
Why They Lost: The rapidly improving Kapuls have a number of players playing in Australia's major league, but seemed to be hard pressed to break through a tough group including a superior New Zealand squad
Who/What We'll Miss: The chance to explain that the Kapul is the local (Tok Pisin) word for Cuscus which is a local variety of opossum...how 'bout that for some zoological factoids!

141: Sa Moce, Fiji
Why They Lost: A this often popular squad was stymied in their quest for another round of action after ceding a vital goal to Papua New Guinea and seeing the Solomon Islands snatch a draw against New Zealand

Not sure if this is a cheer or yawn
(Golfcentraldaily.com)

Who/What We'll Miss: Vijay Singh going nuts-o in the stands.


140: Mbae mi lukem yufala Vanuatu
Why They Lost: Vanuatu had a good chance to slip through a wide open Group A, but a 4:1 loss to Tahiti in the final match meant their downfall.
Who/What We'll Miss: With the vast majority of their team and coaches plying their trade in Vanuatu it'll be a shame that we can compare the "Vanuatu system" to the "Spanish system" (probably would have been a draw).

139: Sampa Jumpai Indonesia
Why They Lost: Poor scoring punch was the end of the day for Indonesia, just three goals saw them fall flat with zero points in their group (the second half game winner by Qatar spoiled their one chance for points)
Who/What We'll Miss: The chance for a reunion of the 1938 World Cup team (back when they were the Dutch East Indies, and Prince as Pre-Boron-Symbol-Prince)


138: See ya, wouldn't want to be ya, Singapore
Why They Lost: Time for penetrating analyses "if you give up more goals than you score it's hard to win," Singapore gave up 20 and scored 2...draw your own conclusions.
Who/What We'll Miss: Luxurious high rise mansions peering over the national stadium means everybody's got a seat in the city state!

Place goes crazy when Tajiks in tha house!
Citysearch.net

137: Khar Naboshad Tajikistan
Why They Lost: Continuing a popular theme of this post...it's all about the goal scoring...Tajikistan got 1 in their six matches. Unless you get a lot of nil-nil draws hard to move on that way.
Who/What We'll Miss: Would be pretty sweet to watch a Tajikistan match at the Boulder Dunshabe Tea House



136: Allah Yisallimak U.A.E.
Why They Lost: A slow start stung "The White" losing to Kuwait and Lebanon gave them a lot to get done against a far more powerful Korean Republic team.
Who/What We'll Miss: Hamdan Al Kamali, the wunderkind of Gulf-State soccer is a promising player on his way up the ladder at Lyon.

135: Sawatdi Thailand
Why They Lost: In it up until the end (and with the good fortune to play Oman in their final match) the War Elephants could not come up with the goals when they needed them and ended up at the bottom of their group.
Who/What We'll Miss: The excuse to wear my Teeratep Winothai jersey and this great federation logo (winner of our Happy Trails, coolest federation symbol award...that's not an elephant to piss off)


134: Mas as-salaamah Saudi Arabia
Why They Lost: The Saudi Golden generation is long gone and it may be a while before we see them back in a World Cup; only one player plays in a European league (Defender Osama Hasawi--and even that, is only recently)
Who/What We'll Miss: The tumultuous chances to fire a bunch of coaches and yell about the failures of the team...making the "Green Eagles" federation the world cup equivalent of the Steinbrenner's clan

133: Annyong hi-Kashipishio North Korea

The 1st 2010 Finalist to be Eliminated

Why They Lost: They foolishly trusted decadent Western based players to infiltrate the hard-working mother land's true sons. Such mistakes will not be repeated and those who have been corrupted shall undergo intense reeducation to repair the damage they have done to the home land and to the great and glorious Kim Jong-Un (People's Sexxiest Man Alive 2000-2013)
Who/What We'll Miss: Writing paragraphs like the above


132: 'Ilaa-liqaa Kuwait
Why They Lost: The hard luck Kuwaiti national side, stymied in attempts to qualify for the world cup over the past 3 decades after a debut in Spain '82, was stuck just outside the promised land of another round yet again. They had the chance to qualify in their final match, but the Taeguk Warriors of Korea were just too much and Kuwait headed home for another long four years.
Who/What We'll Miss: The utter irrationality of a team called "The Blue" despite the fact that their flag contains White, Green, Red and Black.

Heck, I'll sing the national Anthem if you want!
(Telegraph.co.uk)

131: Zai Jian, China
Why They Lost: Quite possibly because they had not yet paid Didier Drogba and Nikolas Anelka enough money to pretend that they are Chinese.
Who/What We'll Miss: The ever rarer feeling of being better than China at something (even if it's kicking a ball on a field)


130: Allah yisallimak, Bahrain
Why They Lost: Needing a big win over Singapore (and a Qatar loss to Iran) to move on, Bahrain got their big win (10-0), but Qatar drew, so no luck for the Big Red Machine. But hey! At least that 10-0 victory (over a team that allowed just 2 goals in the previous leg and was sitting its most experienced players) seems so incongruous and sketchy that Bahrain is the recipient of a FIFA INVESTIGATION!!
Who/What We'll Miss: The chance for Bahrainis gathering together to watch sport peacefully...OR...gathering together to watch sport and overthrow a tyrannical government.

We Shall Return

Apologies for the delay in getting back into this--the spring semester took a lot of effort and with the various other Montanans who write here dealing with new jobs, new children and new inspirations we are now a little backlogged. We'll come up with some of our standard features on teams that bit the proverbial bullet and those that seem staggeringly overmatched by the scale of their situation--not to mention blatantly obvious "analyses" masked in goofy "witticisms".

Until then enjoy the footie--there's the Euro for now and Olympics in a little bit before we get back into the qualifying swing of things.

Sincerely,
The Montanan Hooligans

Happy Trails #175-144

Some people sneak peeks at game scores between spreadsheets and meetings, I managed to find a way to sneak peeks at the results from World Cup qualifiers between activities and lessons. Heck, I tried to squeeze score updates into classroom conversation (it helps teaching world literature to kids from diverse backgrounds...all the more reason to say--and hey, since we've read about Sumeria let's check in on how their great, great, great (x10 to the 25th) grand kids are doing in world cup qualifying!).

But for now, let's just satisfy ourselves with digging into the nitty gritty of who fell flat, and why.

175 Where'd you go, Mauritius?
Why They Lost: Generally speaking, not playing the games at all doesn't help your chances. (Though being nicknamed the Dodos, an extinct bird probably didn't help any.) Mauritius became the third team to back out of the competition, due to lack of funds.
Who/What We'll Miss: Cheering for our favorite strikers from Mauritius' Pamplemousse FC (aka Grapefruit FC)

174 Ka Kite, Cook Islands
Why They Lost: They only have 24,000 citizens from which to draw a team (Helena could have a deeper bench)
Who/What We'll Miss: Food Network mistakingly airing games from Oceanic qualifiers.

Diamond Ott at Right

173 Tofa, American Samoa
Why They Lost: Despite having gotten schellacked by an international record score of 31-0 by Australia in April, American Samoa nearly got into Round Two of OFC qualifying. Needing a win against hosts Samoa in their final match they unfortunately lost 1-0 and went home in third place after notching their first four points EVER in World Cup Qualifying
Who/What We'll Miss: His last second near-equalizer almost made him a hero but really, just being named Diamond Ott makes you a winner in our books.



172 Mou Nofo A, Tonga
Why They Lost: Despite a win in their rivalry game against Cook Islands (known as the Battle for James Cook's Love) they couldn't come up with needed results against either American Samoa or Samoa.
Who/What We'll Miss: We have to assume the erstwhile "Friendly Islands" would have made a great host for various matches.

171: Ma'as salaama, Djibouti
Why They Lost: It sure looked like the Djibouti never stood a chance, getting whooped 4-0 on both legs of their home-and-away series with titans Namibia. So don't color us surprised.
Who/What We'll Miss: Let's be honest...north, south, east or west, "Djibouti" is about the most enjoyable name of a nation to say.

No luck for you
Kevin Betsy!

170: Orevwar, Seychelles
Why They Lost: Despite establishing themselves as the most dominant island nation in the Indian ocean, that's still a little like being the toughest kid in the sou-southeasterly corner of the sandbox, and they never stood a chance against the heavyweights in Kenya.
Who/What We'll Miss: It's a shame that after 14 years bouncing around the divisions of English football that Kevin Betsy's only been able to play a few games for the Seychelles, it's even more disappointing that he's done in World Cup qualifiers before he even got started.

169: Sala Kahle, Swaziland
Why They Lost: Perhaps the King's Shield was still riding high off a stunning win against Togo prior to the 2010 World Cup, but they looked totally over matched losing 8-2 aggregate to Congo DR.
Who/What We'll Miss: I had a grad school advisor who was tight with the King of Swaziland...so based on two degrees of separation I'm sorry they came up so short.

mmmm....sponge bread

168: Nabad geylo, Somalia
Why They Lost: Inexplicably, after a 0:0 draw in the first leg the Ocean Stars got pummeled by Ethiopia 5-0 in the second leg.
Who/What We'll Miss: Minneapolis is a haven for Somalian refugees, it would have been nice to eat some canjeero during the matches from Brazil.

167: Tchau, Sao Tome e Principe
Why They Lost: Like Somalia, Sao Tome e Principe followed up a strong draw with Congo in the first leg with a brutal 5-0 drubbing in the second match.
Who/What We'll Miss: If Sao Tome e Principe had qualified for the second round they would have proven a remarkable story; coming back after 8 years off from relevant matches to pull a stunner like that? Amazing. Of course, they lost....but if it HAD happened!

166: Namkwaheri, Comoros
Why They Lost: Losing the first leg 4-1 in Mozambique dug a hole that the Coelacanth's could not come back from.
Who/What We'll Miss: In addition to a young and growing team, it's a shame that we no longer have a team in the competition whose nickname is a prehistoric fish.

Afewerki's stunned into silence
by my brutal burn

165: Selamet, Eritrea
Why They Lost: After two years without participating in international competition, the Eritreans might have been a little under prepared for the next round of competition.
Who/What We'll Miss: Another despotic tyrant's team is out of the picture, meaning one less figure to mock with the immunity of American internet anonymity. So let's get the joke out while we can: Isaias Afewerki impinges on freedom of the press so much he won't even let people iron their shirts! (KA ZING!!!)

164: Nabai, Guinea Bissau
Why They Lost: Despite being neck-and-neck with Togo through two legs of qualification, Guinea-Bissau fell a goal short because Emmanuel Adebayor loves crushing people's dreams.
Who/What We'll Miss: At 19, midfielder Zezinho is already a valuable part of Sporting's reserve squad. Maturing into a leader could make him and the Djurtus a future force.

163: N'agasaka, Burundi
Why They Lost: Only managing a 2-2 draw at home against fellow minnow Lesotho left the Swallows helpless to move on.
Who/What We'll Miss: The opportunity to keep running this video clip of Eddie Izzard's imagined cup of coffee with the president of Burundi (Pierre Nkurunziza)

162: Adieu, Chad
Why They Lost: The 2-1 loss at home gave Les Sao a lot to overcome in the second leg, and though they notched a win in Tanzania, the 1-0 score line had them head home on away goals.
Who/What We'll Miss: The chance to talk to the perpetually underrated Japhet "The Wizard" N'Doram.

161: Veloma, Madagascar
Why They Lost: After falling 2-0 in the oppressive oil baron dictatorship of Equitorial Guinea, and conceding another goal at home, Madagascar needed four second half goals to move ahead--they settled for 2 goals and a hard fought victory.
Who/What We'll Miss: Insinuating that they sold their national football soul to Dreamworks in association for positive references in the Madagascar cartoon series.

160: So long, US Virgin Islands
Why They Lost: Our "Well-I'll-Be-Damned" Minnow to Watch in CONCACAF's 2nd Round of qualifying had a problem keeping balls out of the back of their net scoring 2 and allowing 40 to finish last in their group.
Who/What We'll Miss: Finding more parallels between Tim Duncan and Peter Crouch.

159: See you later, Barbados

TRIDENT TEAM, ASSEMBLE!

Why They Lost: While their goal differential of -12 is a far cry from USVI's -38, they still lost all six matches.
Who/What We'll Miss: I still love this set of Barbadian superheroes I found on a random google search...seriously, where can I find these action figures?

158: Bon swe, Dominica
Why They Lost: Deprived of two matches against Bermuda in Group C, Dominica was the weakest of that lot failing to score a single goal (see, something to be proud of Barbados/USVI)
Who/What We'll Miss: The chance to talk to our most random club team affiliation so far--Midfielder Chad Bertrand, born Dominican, yet playing in Goa, India.

157: Catch you later, St. Lucia
Why They Lost: Though they did muster a draw against St. Kitts & Nevis, St. Lucia came up empty in all their other matches
Who/What We'll Miss: They still dance quadrilles for fun down there! It's like Jane Austen in a tropical climate!

156: Time to cash in, Cayman Islands
Why They Lost: The "Shell Corporations" round out our bottom five of CONCACAF because they, like their fellow cellar dwellars couldn't do much offensively or defensively (notice a theme coaches?)
Who/What We'll Miss: Tax evasion jokes

It's not like England
would try him again anyway

155: Gotta go, Grenada
Why They Lost: While Grenada has players among top flight leagues in the US and England, most are at/or near their 30 year old season, making them a little old to keep up with younger fresher teams.
Who/What We'll Miss: They are known as "The Spice Boys" which makes the chance of buying David Beckham's nationality before 2014 all the more tempting.

154: Fare thee well, St. Vincent/Grenadines
Why They Lost: Just a step ahead of Grenada, come the Grenadines who can thank their spot to an extra draw against Belize...of course it didn't help them win the group...but isn't beating Grenada more important? (No? Oh, right...no)
Who/What We'll Miss: Yet another cool nickname for a team: "Vincy Heat"...you can almost hear LeBron James switching teams again...

153: Adios, Nicaragua
Why They Lost: Handily beat Dominica both times they played but couldn't muster much against Panama losing both of those. Clearly they should have tried to play Dominica four times...that's just bad planning.
Who/What We'll Miss: The US Men's team could have had guinea pigs, iguanas, armadillos and boas in local restaurants! Frownie face for the foodies :(

152: Doei, Suriname
Why They Lost: Despite two solid wins, Suriname allowed 11 goals and scored just 5, leaving a clear gap between themselves and the leading teams in their group.
Who/What We'll Miss: We'd say goalkeeper Ronny Aloema, but as the goal difference shows he missed enough things for all of us (Sorry, Ronny...that might have been mean...)

151: See ya, St Kitts & Nevis
Why They Lost: If any team needed to hear the Mortal Kombat "FINISH HIM", it was St. Kitts & Nevis, 1 win and 4 draws left them with just 7 points. Switching just two of those results to wins would have left them top of the table.
Who/What We'll Miss: Atiba Harris--stealthy winger and all-around MLS gun-for-hire.

150: Best wishes, Belize
Why They Lost: Belize lost when it mattered most, giving Guatemala an easy route to round 2 with 3-1 and 2-1 defeats
Who/What We'll Miss: The general blood feud between Belize (formerly British Honduras) and Honduras (formerly Regular Honduras)

149: Ayo, Curacao
Why They Lost: While they scored 15 times only just eked out a positive goal differential (playing USVI might have helped with that though)
Who/What We'll Miss: Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands knighting 9/10ths of the team...she knights pretty much everybody after all (heck, Sidney Ponson got knighted!)

I seek the futbol grail

148: Hasta la juego, Dominican Republic
Why They Lost: In all likelihood, the Dominican winter league probably had most players distracted.
Who/What We'll Miss: The Quisqueyanos have my favorite federation logo of this set of Happy Trails teams--I'm not sure why the ball is in some sort of chalice-type thing, but I like the classiness.

147: Hasta la bye bye, Puerto Rico
Why They Lost: It's very simple--if Ivan Rodriguez isn't blocking the plate or goal or whatever, Puerto Rico is not as strong as they could be.
Who/What We'll Miss: The opportunity to settle the whole Puerto Rican statehood issue by a game of football...not unlike the plot to the classic made for tv film FUTURESPORT!

146: Bye bye, Bermuda
Why They Lost: In the nip-tuck race to win Group B, Bermuda's draw to Guyana (on home turf) was the difference between finishing three points back and being on top of the group.
Who/What We'll Miss: As the last island left from that old Kokomo song, our last chance to sing chillaxed Beach Boys tunes is out the window.

145: Happy trails, Trinidad andTabago
Why They Lost: Honestly, your guess is as good as mine, T and T had a +7 goal differential, and a great start to their campaign. But the wheels came off the wagon in the final month dropping two matches to Bermuda and Guyana to open the door for Golden Jaguars to vault into the next round
Who/What We'll Miss: Stern John's swan song goes silent and the Soca Warriors last chance to relieve their glory days in Germany.

144: Au revoir, Haiti
Why They Lost: A mid-campaign swoon left Haiti needing two big results against Antigua & Barbuda to move on, while the 2-1 victory at home helped, losing 1-0 in St. John's left them one point short of the next round.
Who/What We'll Miss: Cheering on the rebuilding of Haitian pride through futbol would have made for a tremendous feel-good story, but with a scad of young talent coming into clubs in the US, UK and France, we won't miss Les Grenadires for long

Oh...that's why 11.11.11. matters!

So, admittedly, I'm a little behind in posts (and if you think this blog's bad, you should see my other ones), but I thought I ought to post before tomorrow in advance of a major day in World Cup qualifying.

Apparently the powers that be in FIFA decided they ought to schedule matches on every continent on this most auspicious of palindromy days.  So, there's a whole mess of soccer going on tomorrow: here now, the matches we're most excited to see on each continent:

South America:
Chile v.s. Uruguay; It's more than just the match up of two countries whose names sound like English language words--it's the rising power of South America (complete with greasy haired stars in the making), versus one of the continents perennial dark horses. So, senors, bring it on.


North America:
Antigua & Barbuda v.s. Haiti; So Haiti--despite all the financial, bureaucratic, and--you know--earthquake-y related things, was actually favored to win their group. Then along came underdogs Antigua & Barbuda...so if you think about it: we're guaranteed to see one adorable underdog vault into the next round...and see another underdog suffer humiliating defeat and broken dreams.

Asia:
Saudi Arabia v.s. Thailand; While I'm biased in favor of the Elephants and have made more than my share of jokes at the expense of the turmoil in Saudi Arabia, the match will be crucial to finding the second-place team in the group. Australia's guaranteed the top spot (barring some kind of freak team-wide spontaneous combustion), so this one will matter more than a little.


Africa:
Somalia v.s. Ethiopia; Here's the real barnburner, and while it's not the highest profile match and doesn't have any of the big name continental stars; as a Montanan who currently lives in Minnesota (with its high population of Ethiopians and Somalis) we can think of several people who really care how it turns out.

So whether you prefer rising powers, underdogs, high-stakes contests, or serious rivals there's something for you tomorrow. And if you prefer being gainfully employed and just looking up the scores during your coffee/tea break...you can do that too.

Enjoy the games!

CONMEBOL'S WIBD: Crushed into Bolivian!

If you haven't noticed while reading this blog, we are not overly concerned with the legends and the superstars. Lionel Messi gets enough attention when he heads for the gents' lavatory, he doesn't really need more from our minor sphere of the blogoverse. Blood, sweat, tears and ink is spilled by the gallon over the Three Lions, why not take a break by looking into the little glimpsed underdogs of our World Cup?

In that spirit we turn our attention to CONMEBOL, the South American confederation, and it's nascent qualifying campaign. Unlike most other competitions, to march into the game's grandest stage, South American squads have only one round. Play all the other teams in your continent, play them again, top four records go to the Cup (for more details and South American sass, click the Conmebol link at the top of the page, or here).

The open-ended style of the qualification means that the strongest teams rise to the top and shocking upsets have relatively little effect on the overall results. Over 16 matches even the best teams will lose a few and worst teams will win a couple...but what if there was a stunning turn of affairs? What if someone could pull off a stunning, unpredictable, rags-to-riches meteoric triumph?

That would be awesome. Of course, given the strength of South American teams, it would also be pretty hard to fathom. There aren't many scrappy underdog squads...except, of course, for Bolivia.

Marcelo Martins is #1-#100
in Bolivian hearts

Bolivia, the land that futbol forgot. While every other team in South America has several players in premier European leagues (Italy, Spain or England), Bolivia's top player, Marcelo Martins, is freezing his butt off in the Ukraine. It's a little hard to keep up with the Joneses and the Escobarses when you only play against them during World Cup Qualifier Whoopings.

Sure they've made three World Cups and reached #18 in the world less than 15 years ago...but right now (after tanking their first two matches) they are ranked last in South America and #115 in the world. If Bolivia could somehow, someway, beat four other teams in their continental zone it would be like the President of your High School AV Club winning the girl over the Beatles at the height of their power.

This logo goes great with white wine

Heck, Bolivia's federation logo is a chicken holding a ball...other teams have the good sense to limit themselves to their national flag colors. Bolivia must root for a bird that looks desperate for a beheading...

With all of that going against them, it's painfully clear. WE MUST CHEER FOR BOLIVIA!! To hell with the big guns and the dominant squads and the powerful players, let's go Chickens, let's go under-appreciated whelps, let's go BOLIVIA!!

Analysis our Way

The next round of qualifying has kicked off, home-and-away matches that will set the Caribbean and Asia alight with furious competition. While these matches may turn into do or die affairs for the players and supporters, we have the liberty of remaining aloof, objective, and totally uninformed.

In that spirit here are our previews of the next round of Asian and North American qualifying rounds: group by group, with special insight from our fellow Hooligans--Edemame Pajyamas and Celestial Aly

Don't fight it...she always wins

AFC

Group A What a special group. You've got a plucky underdog in Iraq, a hulking Goliath in China, a cast of diverse, quirky characters from Singapore and a mysterious unknown in Jordan. Given all those story lines to make movies out of, you have to think that the powers that be in Hollywood would love to see the Iraqis come through with China...if only for the chance to make a sequel. I'm sure there's a part in there for Zoe Saldana (eager, interpid reporter, maybe?) and whatever Zoe Saldana wants, Zoe Saldana gets.

Group B While we've already discussed Lebanon's chances, it should be noted that South Korea's track record, top flight talent and willingness to set themselves on fire for victory make them the odds on favorite to win the group. Second place should be a toss up between Kuwait and the United Arab Emirates: since their nicknames are the white and the blue we fully expect that Parisian fashion designers will let us know which one is in and which is out this season.

Group C Kim Jong-Il's son--Kim Jong-Un--can firmly establish his power base if he oversees his team's ascendency to the next round of the World Cup. The best strategy to do that would be to kidnapped and indoctrinate the Japanese and Uzbeki players who visit Pyongyang for matches in the country. So if something that unlikely happens (and hey, it's North Korea, so it might!) then it'll be North Korea and Tajikistan (by default, natch.)

Group D Sure the Saudi's and the Aussies are the top teams in the group, sure they've got a bundle of World Cup appearances between them, sure they are the most likely teams to win the group...but I don't own one of their jerseys. Buoyed by my support Thailand should slip in to the next round in group two...if only because they risk incurring my wrath if they do not.

Group E A hard group to handicap. Iran has a dangerous attacking squad but might be past it's prime. Rising young powers Bahrain has made great strides recently in suppressing the opposition (through force if need be) and you should never underestimate Qatar's resources and determination to prove themselves. And hey! I just realized that my analysis of each nation's questionable governmental structures could also be applied to their football...how about that!

CONCACAF

Group A Just look at the Dominican's line-up. Manny Ramirez, Albert Pujols, evenan aging Pedro Martinez is better than anybody that Suriname, the Cayman Islands or El Salvador could scrounge up...oh, wait a second...I got confused about which sport I was writing about...uhh...let's just say El Salvador.

Now this is a line-up that could
get all the way to Brazil!

Group B There's not a lot of soccer power in Guyana or Bermuda, but Barbados could have a great chance...if they could pull the trident off of the flag and use it to impale the opposition. Other than that there's nobody to touch Trinidad or Tobago (and with their powers combined...well, they're not quite Captain Planet...but they're close)

Group C With the Bahamanians already picking up their ball and going home, there are only three teams left to fight. It will be the first group decided, the first one that sends someone on to the next round, so let's just go ahead and say the first team listed alphabetically wins, congratulations Dominica!!

Group D Canadian's are already excited about their chances to get through--and who could blame them? On top of their talent, Canadian fans are prone to throwing things on rinks and fields of every size and shape--it's doubtful that their only real challenge (St. Kitts & Nevis) are going to know what to do when octopi, hats or maple syrup rains down on them.

Hipster Zombies prefer their brains
at gastropubs with chipotle aioli

Group E Group E is brought to you by the letter G as Grenada, Guatemala and Grenadines(/St. Vincent). For that reason (and no other) Belize wins the group.

Group F I've written before about the US Virgin Islands having as much chance as anybody in a wildly unpredictable group. But, even with all their struggles, the smart money still has to be on Haiti. They gave us the modern form of Zombies, now they can unleash a 21st century strain of zombie (hipsters oversaturated on zombie memes)